The Cozy Ones on Monica’s Couch | Friends

0:03 Uh somebody's at the door on the ceiling.

0:07 [laughter]

0:06 Uh that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.

0:09 Yeah, he took up the carpets and now you can hear everything.

0:12 Well, why don't you go up there and ask him to just like step lightly, please?

0:17 [laughter]

0:16 I have like five times, but the guy is so charming that I go up

0:20 there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.

0:23 Oh, that is silly.

0:26 If [laughter] I go up there, I'll tell him to keep it down.

0:28 All right, be my guest.

0:30 All right, all right, all right, all right.

0:31 All right.

0:31 You really want to know how I did it?

0:35 [laughter]

0:35 When you handed me back the card, what you didn't see was I looked at it

0:39 so fast it was invisible to the naked eye.

0:42 [laughter] I just did it.

0:46 Just did it again.

0:49 Here, I'll slow it down so you guys can see it.

0:50 Ready?

1:03 Yeah, look.

1:03 I had my friend down here and we hear everything up there that you do.

1:11 Ooh, that's fun.

1:14 Thank you.

1:16 [laughter]

1:16 Isn't that ridiculous?

1:17 Can you believe she actually thought that?

1:19 Um Yeah.

1:24 [laughter]

1:25 Well, I mean when I first met you, you know,

1:26 I thought maybe possibly you might be You did?

1:32 Yeah, but then but then you spent

1:33 Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts,

1:36 so then I figured maybe not.

1:39 Huh, did uh I mean the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?

1:45 I did.

1:45 think so.

1:47 [laughter] Not me.

1:49 No, no.

1:50 Me neither.

1:51 Although uh you know, back in college uh Susan Salador did.

1:55 You're kidding.

1:57 Did you tell her I wasn't?

2:00 No.

2:00 No, it's just cuz uh I I kind of wanted to go out with her, too.

2:03 So uh I told her actually you were seeing uh Bernie Spellman.

2:09 Who also liked her.

2:10 So [laughter] Wow, this is fascinating.

2:18 So uh what is it about me?

2:20 I don't know.

2:22 Cuz you're smart, you're funny.

2:24 Ross is smart and funny.

2:25 Do you ever think that about him?

2:26 YEAH, RIGHT.

2:27 [laughter] WHAT IS IT?

2:31 OKAY, I I DON'T KNOW.

2:32 YOU YOU JUST you have a quality.

2:35 Yes, right.

2:37 Oh, oh, a quality.

2:39 Good, because I was worried you guys were going to be vague about this.

2:42 It's a typical New York City apartment.

2:44 Two girls are just hanging out.

2:48 All right, how are you doing, Kelly?

2:50 I'm doing just fine.

2:52 God, Tiffany, you smell so great.

2:57 It's my new perfume.

2:59 Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it.

3:06 Oh, you know, Joey, you are sick.

3:10 disgusting.

3:10 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

3:12 WAIT, THE HANDSOME MAN WAS ABOUT TO ANSWER.

3:14 YOU CAN WEAR THIS.

3:15 THANKS.

3:15 OKAY.

3:19 I'm setting the phone down.

3:22 But I'm still here.

3:25 Just don't go anywhere.

3:26 I'm still here.

3:27 Don't don't switch or anything cuz I'm I'm right here.

3:31 Just one sec.

3:33 One sec.

3:34 ONE SECOND.

3:36 WAIT.

3:37 ONE SECOND, JUST PHOEBE.

3:38 WHAT, MONICA?

3:39 I'M SCARED.

3:43 [laughter] HEY, THAT'S THAT'S a sleeve, okay?

3:45 And we also have speakerphone.

3:48 Please stay on the line.

3:49 Your call is important to us.

3:51 You wait, you got to hang up cuz we're going to be late.

3:54 Thank you for your patience.

3:55 You're the next caller.

3:57 Yes, yes, I'm the next caller.

4:00 You were going to have me hang up.

4:04 [laughter] Hey.

4:06 Can you take a duck and a chick to the theater?

4:09 Of course not.

4:10 Okay, I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

4:13 This is my favorite part.

4:15 Yeah, me too.

4:18 Oh, you know what's sadder than this?

4:20 Bambi.

4:22 I cried for 3 days with that movie.

4:24 No, wait, two.

4:25 Cuz on the third day my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.

4:31 Well, see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.

4:36 You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?

4:37 Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

4:43 You know, Chandler, there's nothing wrong with crying.

4:46 You don't have to be so macho all the time.

4:48 Macho?

4:50 Yeah, you're right.

4:53 I don't know what I was thinking.

4:55 [laughter]

4:55 Well, I guess I just never really cried, you know, I'm not a crying kind of guy.

4:59 Come on, man.

4:59 There's got to be something that gets you choked up.

5:02 Like uh Oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?

5:08 I'd be sad, sure.

5:10 But I wouldn't cry.

5:12 Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me, Chandler.

5:18 All the other puppies pick on me." Cry?

5:25 [laughter]

5:23 I just found a talking puppy.

5:24 I'm rich.

5:27 I've got it.

5:28 I have got it.

5:30 Pictures from your childhood.

5:32 This will get you going good.

5:36 [laughter] All right, what's going on there?

5:37 Uh that's parents day, first grade.

5:39 That's me with the the janitor, Martin.

5:44 Where are your parents?

5:44 Oh, they didn't want to come.

5:46 Oh, Chandler.

5:48 Poor thing.

5:49 So that story doesn't make you cry?

5:51 No, look, I don't cry.

5:52 It's not a big deal, okay?

5:54 No, it's not okay.

5:57 It's [laughter] not okay at all.

6:00 YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE.

6:07 [laughter] HEY, SWEETIE.

6:07 HEY.

6:13 CHICKEN SOUP FOR the Soul?

6:16 There's no back to this couch.

6:20 Why are you reading this?

6:21 You hate this kind of stuff.

6:23 Yeah, I know, but I figured I'd give it a shot, you know,

6:24 I mean maybe one of those stories make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was,

6:28 you know, all dead inside.

6:30 Aw, that's so sweet.

6:32 Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry.

6:34 I love you.

6:35 Aw, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.

6:41 [laughter] Aw, fits.

6:41 I mean, come on, seriously, think about it.

6:43 We get married, I'm up at the altar and I'm like this.

6:48 I won't care.

6:50 Because I know that you'll be feeling it all in here.

6:53 Yeah?

6:54 Yeah.

6:55 And if And if we have a baby one day and the doctor

6:58 hands it to you in the delivery room and you don't cry so what?

7:04 And And if And if we take him to college and we come home and and we

7:07 see his empty room for the first time and you got nothing won't matter to me.

7:18 Okay.

7:20 Well, I won't worry about this anymore then.

7:22 Yeah.

7:23 And And you know, if I die from a long illness

7:29 and you're writing out my eulogy and you open the desk drawer

7:33 and you and you find a note from me that says "I

7:36 will always be with you." And you still can't shed one tiny tear?

7:44 I know you'll be crying a river inside.

7:48 Aw, I love you so What IS WRONG WITH YOU?

7:52 WHAT?

7:53 WHAT?

7:54 YOU CAN'T SHED A TEAR FOR YOUR DEAD WIFE?

7:57 I LEFT YOU A NOTE FROM THE BEYOND.

7:59 So you didn't mean ANY OF THAT?

8:00 NO, YOU ROBOT.

8:03 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.

8:04 I was just saying good night to Emma and she said her first words.

8:08 What?

8:09 Oh, what did she say?

8:10 She said gleeba.

8:14 [laughter] Make me rich.

8:20 ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

8:21 UH YEAH, NO, NO, NO.

8:22 That's That's great.

8:23 What?

8:23 Why aren't you more excited?

8:26 Uh Rach, gleeba is not a word.

8:30 Well, of course it is.

8:32 Okay, uh what does it mean?

8:34 Well, I don't know all the words.

8:37 Well, I'm just I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first word.

8:41 Well, yes, you did.

8:42 Gleeba is a word.

8:44 Okay, use it in a sentence.

8:45 Okay.

8:47 Uh Emma just said gleeba.

8:52 [applause] It's not a word.

8:54 Okay, okay, okay, fine.

8:56 I'm going to look it up.

8:57 Oh, oh, okay, great.

8:58 You know what?

8:59 While you're at it, she said another word the other day.

9:01 Why don't you Why don't you look up [laughter] All right, okay, okay.

9:09 Gleeba.

9:10 Gleeba.

9:11 Gleeba.

9:12 Gleeba.

9:13 Here it is.

9:13 The fleshy spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.

9:19 [laughter] She's going to be a scientist.

9:25 Popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe.

9:29 And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say,

9:32 "Hi, Phoebe." Oh, that's cute.

9:36 We really all enjoyed it.

9:38 But you know it doesn't count.

9:39 Count for what?

9:40 Just count in our heads as good Mad Libs.

9:45 I guess fun time's over.

9:48 But wait, wait, guys.

9:49 IF IF WE FOLLOW the rules, it's still fun and it means something.

9:53 Yeah, I'm going to take off.

9:54 Guys, rules are good.

9:57 Rules help control the fun.

10:00 How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

10:02 I have no idea, but look how much they spent.

10:04 Monica, would you calm down?

10:06 The credit card people said you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

10:09 Still, this is such reckless spending.

10:11 I think when somebody steals your credit card,

10:14 they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

10:18 [laughter] Wow, what a geek.

10:21 They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

10:26 That's me.

10:31 OH, OH, the yak.

10:33 Ross, he's doing it again.

10:35 Marcel, stop humping the lamp.

10:38 Stop humping.

10:38 Now, Marcel, come come back come here Marcel.

10:41 No, no, no, not in my room.

10:42 I'll get him.

10:44 Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.

10:47 What?

10:47 It's It's just a phase.

10:49 Well, that's what we said about Joey.

10:52 [laughter] Would you all relax?

10:56 It's not that big a deal.

10:57 MARCEL, STOP IT.

10:59 MARCEL, bad monkey.

11:00 What?

11:02 Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

11:09 United States Garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon.

11:13 It is now under bombardment by Hey Dad, what are you doing here?

11:28 Well, it's your mother's bridge night,

11:30 so I thought I'd come into the city for a little Mona cuddle.

11:35 [laughter] Since when did you start smoking cigars?

11:40 I don't.

11:41 I just I just like the smell of them.

11:45 So, uh what are you really doing here, Dad?

11:48 Well, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay.

11:52 What makes you think that I might not be okay?

11:54 I saw Richard.

11:57 Oh.

11:58 So, how you doing?

12:00 I'm fine.

12:02 Just a little tired, but I'm okay.

12:05 How How's [clears throat] Richard doing?

12:07 You don't want to know.

12:08 No, I I really, really do.

12:11 Well, he's doing terrible.

12:16 Really?

12:18 Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.

12:22 You're not just saying that, are you?

12:23 No, the man is a mess.

12:27 Was he crying?

12:28 No.

12:30 Well, do you think he was waiting till after you left so we could cry?

12:34 Maybe.

12:37 I think so.

12:39 Honey, relationships are hard.

12:41 Like with your mom and me, you know,

12:42 after we graduated from college, we broke up for a while.

12:46 It seems her father, your grandfather,

12:49 wanted her to travel around Europe like he did.

12:52 Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel

12:54 because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time.

12:59 However,

13:01 [laughter]

13:24 Well, if we learned one thing today, Cheez,

13:26 it's that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix.

13:32 [laughter]

13:32 Looks like I'm going to play that again, Mac.

13:34 Well, I couldn't have done it without you, buddy.

13:36 You're a genius.

13:37 Oh, yeah?

13:38 Well, then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?

13:49 So, what do you guys think?

13:56 [laughter] Hey, WHAT ABOUT THE DOG?

13:59 I LOVE THESE.

14:00 JOEY, IT'S YOUR MOMMY.

14:01 OH, MOMMY.

14:02 IT'S MOMMY.

14:02 Good night.

14:03 Well, so what did you think?

14:06 Well, that was, um okay.

14:10 It wasn't the best.

14:12 That was one of the worst things ever.

14:16 [laughter] And not just on TV.

14:19 What are we going to tell him?

14:19 Well, the the lighting was okay.

14:21 Oh, no, you don't.

14:22 You got lighting last time.

14:23 Lighting is mine.

14:25 I have costumes.

14:26 Oh, great.

14:26 That means I'm stuck with So,

14:28 we were watching you in there and you were sitting right here.

14:31 Whoa.

14:34 What are you going to do, Phoebe?

14:35 I don't know.

14:36 I don't know.

14:36 I can't lie to him again.

14:38 Oh, no, I No.

14:40 I'm just going to press my breasts UP AGAINST HIM.

14:44 [laughter] AND SAY NOTHING?

14:45 UH-HUH.

14:45 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

14:48 WOW, WELL, my folks really liked it.

14:50 So, what what did you guys think?

14:59 [laughter]

14:59 It wasn't that good.

15:00 Did you do it?

15:01 Yes, yes, we had the sex.

15:05 Uh-oh.

15:05 It was bad?

15:06 It was fine, you know,

15:08 but she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey.

15:13 She was more like, uh "Oh, I see your point.

15:15 I'm all right with it." It was the first time,

15:19 you know, there's not always a lot of agreement the first time.

15:22 Yeah, not for girls, anyway.

15:24 Guys agree like that.

15:27 Look, you have to help me, okay?

15:30 I mean I know what to do with a woman.

15:32 You know, I know where everything goes.

15:34 It's always nice, but I need to know what makes it go from nice to my god,

15:40 somebody's killing her in there.

15:43 All right.

15:44 I'm going to show you something a lot of guys don't know.

15:45 Rachel, give me that pad, please.

15:48 All right.

15:50 Now, what you don't have to draw an actual Whoa, she's hot.

15:57 Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zone.

15:59 So, you got 1 2 3 4 5 6 and 7.

16:06 There are seven?

16:10 [laughter] Let me see that.

16:11 Oh, yeah.

16:15 [laughter]

16:15 That's one?

16:17 Kind of an important one.

16:20 [laughter] Oh, you know you know what?

16:20 I was looking at it upside down.

16:25 Well, you know, sometimes that helps.

16:30 [laughter]

16:32 Okay, now, most guys will hit, uh, 1 2 3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.

16:39 That That's bad?

16:41 Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.

16:45 Well, you might if we're anything like 7.

16:49 All right, the important thing is to take your time.

16:54 You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up.

16:57 You got to keep them on their toes.

16:58 Oh, toes.

17:02 [laughter] Yeah, for some people.

17:08 All right.

17:10 [clears throat]

17:10 You could, uh, start out with a a little one a two a 1 2 3 a three

17:19 a five a four a 3 2 two a 2 4 6 2 4 6 four two two or seven [laughter]

17:35 5 7 6 7 seven seven seven seven seven SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN NO, YOU HANG UP.

17:52 YOU.

17:53 YOU.

17:54 YOU.

17:58 [applause] SORRY, I thought you were talking to me.

18:08 Rachel.

18:10 Well, I'll just call her back.

18:12 Okay.

18:14 I'm sorry, we got disconnected.

18:17 Okay, okay, okay, okay.

18:18 How did this happen to me?

18:19 How did this happen to me?

18:20 A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine.

18:23 Ross was just Ross, just this guy.

18:26 Now, all of a sudden, he's Ross.

18:29 [laughter]

18:30 Oh, he's really great guy that I can't have.

18:34 Sweetie, I wanted you to have him, too.

18:37 I know you did.

18:39 Oh, I'm just going to deal with it.

18:41 I'm just going to deal with it.

18:43 We're going to settle this.

18:46 Let's have Monica decide.

18:48 Yeah.

18:48 Yeah.

18:49 Hey, Mon.

18:50 Mon, get out of here.

18:51 Mon, you go.

18:52 Okay.

18:52 Okay.

18:53 You have to help us decide whose joke this is.

18:55 Why do I have to decide?

18:57 Because you're the only one that can be fair.

18:58 I can't be fair.

19:00 You're my boyfriend.

19:01 Yeah, yeah, but I'm your brother.

19:03 We're family.

19:04 That's the most important thing in the world.

19:08 [laughter]

19:10 Don't try to sway her.

19:12 I'm your only chance to have a baby.

19:18 Okay, let's go.

19:19 All right.

19:20 Okay, well, we'll each tell you, um, how we came up with the joke and then you

19:24 decide which one of us is telling the truth, me.

19:29 Chandler, you go first.

19:30 Okay.

19:30 I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.

19:34 Oh, wait, is he the guy that I met at Christmas?

19:35 Can I finish my story?

19:36 Do you want me to pick you?

19:39 See, I would never snap at you like that.

19:45 [laughter] Continue.

19:51 Okay.

19:52 So, Steve said he had to go to the doctor and Steve's doctor's name is Dr.

19:56 Monkey.

19:57 So, I said, "Dr.

19:58 Monkey?" And that is how the whole Dr.

20:01 Monkey thing came up.

20:07 Are you kidding?

20:09 Okay, look, I I study evolution.

20:12 Remember?

20:12 Evolution, monkey into man.

20:15 Plus, I'm a doctor and I had A MONKEY.

20:23 [laughter] I'M DR.

20:23 MONKEY.

20:27 [laughter] I'M NOT ARGUING WITH THAT.

20:29 All right.

20:30 I've heard enough.

20:30 I have made my decision.

20:32 Oh, okay.

20:33 You tell You are both idiots.

20:37 The joke is not funny and it's offensive to women and doctors AND MONKEYS.

20:44 [laughter]

20:44 ALL RIGHT.

20:44 YOU YOU SHOULDN'T BE ARGUING OVER WHO gets credit.

20:46 You should be arguing over who gets blamed

20:48 for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world.

20:51 Now, let it go.

20:53 THE JOKE SUCKS.

20:59 [laughter] IT'S YOUR JOKE.

21:03 NOT.

21:02 IN THE FEATHER BOA, that's Dr.

21:03 Francis.

21:05 Now, she used to be a man.

21:07 Okay, Olaf.

21:08 See, now there's Raven.

21:09 We hate her.

21:11 We're glad she's dying.

21:14 What?

21:15 Marcel, you're playing with Monica's shoes.

21:17 You know you're not supposed to play Whoa.

21:21 Whoa.

21:22 Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?

21:25 Oh my god.

21:29 Oh god.

21:34 [laughter] SORRY, BARRY.

21:38 LITTLE engagement gift.

21:41 Sure you didn't register for that.

21:46 I swear.

21:50 [laughter] Who died?

21:51 Who died?

21:54 Roll him over.

21:54 OH, COME ON.

21:55 ROLL HIM OVER.

21:56 OH.

21:57 WELL, we know it wasn't Dexter, right, Marcel?

22:00 Because Marcel.

22:03 Marcel.

22:04 Marcel.

22:07 [laughter]

22:07 How could you lose him?

22:08 I don't know.

22:09 I don't know.

22:09 We were watching TV and then he pooped in Monica's shoe.

22:12 Wait.

22:13 He pooped in my shoe.

22:15 Which one?

22:16 I don't know.

22:17 The left one.

22:19 Which ones?

22:20 Oh, oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

22:25 No, no, I don't think you heard me.

22:26 Are you ready to party?

22:31 No.

22:33 Gandalf?

22:33 Gandalf is coming to town?

22:35 Kathy's with her parents.

22:36 I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandalf, dude.

22:40 Dude, we are so going to party.

22:47 [laughter] Wow, okay.

22:46 Dude alert.

22:49 And who is this guy?

22:50 Mike Gandalf Ganderson.

22:52 Only like the funniest guy in the world.

22:55 I'm going to call and get off work tomorrow.

22:56 Oh, I'm going to call after you.

23:00 This is going to be so cool, dude.

23:01 WE NEVER PARTY ANYMORE.

23:06 [laughter] ALL RIGHT.

23:06 WERE YOU GUYS SMOKING SOMETHING in the back of our van?

23:10 Really?

23:11 And what do you mean we never have fun anymore?

23:12 You have fun with me.

23:14 Remember the time we saw those strippers and you

23:15 paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?

23:20 [laughter]

23:20 Joey, you are going to love this guy.

23:21 Gandalf is like the party wizard.

23:24 Why do you call him Gandalf?

23:26 Gandalf the wizard.

23:30 Hello, didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

23:34 No, I had sex in high school.

23:37 Hey.

23:38 Hey.

23:39 You know, I'm I'm really glad we

23:40 decided not to sleep together before the wedding.

23:43 Oh, boy, me too.

23:45 You know, I was thinking, if we had a a big fight Mhm.

23:49 and uh we broke up for a few hours Yeah.

23:51 technically we could have sex again.

23:56 What do you think?

23:56 Bossy and domineering?

23:58 The wedding is off.

24:00 Sloppy and immature.

24:01 That's me.

24:01 Come on.

24:04 My cousin Cassie's in the guest room.

24:05 We're supposed to have lunch.

24:06 We'll get rid of her.

24:07 Obsessive and shrill.

24:11 [laughter] Shrill?

24:11 The wedding is back on.

24:13 Question number 28.

24:14 Have you ever allowed a lightning bearer to take your wind?

24:19 I would have to say no.

24:24 [laughter] And I would have to say paha.

24:26 What?

24:27 Do you not remember the puppet guy?

24:29 Yeah, you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.

24:36 And his puppet, too.

24:38 Yeah, okay.

24:38 Well, AT LEAST I DIDN'T LET SOME GUY

24:40 into the forest of my righteous truth ON THE FIRST DATE.

24:45 [laughter] [cheering] [applause] WHO?

24:48 PAUL.

24:49 OH.

24:50 OKAY.

24:51 OKAY.

24:51 OKAY.

24:51 OKAY.

24:51 OKAY.

24:51 MOVING ON.

24:52 Moving on.

24:52 Next question.

24:54 Okay, number 29.

24:56 Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer?

25:01 Okay, number 30.

25:02 Whoa.

25:02 Whoa.

25:02 Whoa.

25:04 Let's go back to 29.

25:07 Not uh not to my recollection.

25:13 [laughter] All right.

25:13 Danny Arshack, ninth grade.

25:15 Oh, come on, Rachel.

25:15 You know the bottle was totally pointing at me.

25:18 Only cuz you took up half the circle.

25:24 Listen to you two.

25:26 It's so sad.

25:28 Looks like I'm going to be going to the goddess meetings alone.

25:32 Well, not when they find out you slept with Jason

25:35 Hurley an hour after he broke UP WITH MONICA.

25:40 ONE HOUR?

25:41 You are such a leaf blower.

25:47 Hey.

25:48 Is the show still on?

25:49 Almost over, man.

25:51 Hey, Noni.

25:52 Oh, cool.

25:53 Is that the Pope?

25:57 WHY AM I LOOKING?

26:00 OH, NONI, here I am.

26:00 Look, this is my big scene.

26:02 All right, back off.

26:06 [laughter]

26:06 I got a gun.

26:08 And I'm not afraid to use it.

26:10 Oh, Joey.

26:11 That's right, Noni.

26:13 You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

26:17 Now, I want a suitcase filled with a hundred thousand dollars and [laughter]

26:24 filled with a hundred thousand dollars in small bills.

26:26 And if I don't get And if I don't get it I'm going to shoot this duck.

26:35 Oh, no.

26:38 I'm coming out.

26:48 [laughter] And she's supposed to buy this?

26:49 Joey, bravo.

26:54 Ground control to Major Tom.

26:59 Commencing countdown.

27:01 Engines on.

27:06 [laughter] That's uh scenes from next week's show next week.

27:16 I'm definitely going to watch that.

27:18 Something great?

27:21 All right.

27:28 Oh.

27:31 [laughter] [applause] The uh the neighbors must be vacuuming.

27:36 [laughter] Well, as long as we're uh here and uh not on the subject,

27:48 um I was thinking about uh how mad we got at each other before.

27:59 And um I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we uh how Rachel.

28:07 Barry.

28:08 I can't.

28:09 I can't do it.

28:10 I can't marry Mindy.

28:13 I think I'm still in LOVE WITH YOU.

28:16 [laughter]

28:20 WE HAVE GOT TO START LOCKING THAT DOOR.

28:23 ASSISTANT, now that they're in me it's like it's like I know them, you know,

28:29 and and it's just not it's not going to be easy when,

28:33 you know, these little babies have to go away.

28:36 I know, sweetie.

28:39 But it's not like you're not going to have anything.

28:41 I mean, you're going to have nieces and nephews.

28:43 In some ways, that's even better.

28:45 Yeah, okay.

28:46 No, really.

28:48 Really, Pheebs.

28:48 I mean, you're not going to be the one worrying

28:51 about saving for college or yelling at them when they're bad.

28:55 You know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won't calm down.

29:00 You know?

29:01 You're going to be the one that they come to when they want

29:03 to run away from home and the one they talk to you about sex.

29:06 You just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe.

29:11 Cool Aunt Phoebe.

29:14 I am pretty cool.

29:17 Yeah, and you know what else?

29:18 Oh my god, they're they're going to love you.

29:22 They are going to love me.

29:26 Thanks, you guys.

29:28 Again.

29:28 Oh, sweetie.

29:33 Thanks.

29:33 Oh, what?

29:34 Oh god.

29:35 JUST KIDDING.

29:38 [laughter]

29:38 AH, WHAT?

29:38 OH MY GOD.

29:39 OH, GOTCHA AGAIN.

29:40 YOU'RE so easy.

29:47 So, what do you think?

29:52 I've still got it.

29:55 [laughter] Why did you get me this?

29:56 What is it?

29:58 yelling, bleeding, dilating.

30:04 [laughter] Oh, the dilating.

30:07 Is this the video of the baby being born?

30:09 Sweetie, this is Phoebe's.

30:10 What Why were you even watching it?

30:14 [laughter] I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day.

30:22 Chandler, if you thought I was going to get

30:24 you porn for Valentine's Day, you were right.

30:30 Apparently, it's it's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know,

30:33 in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys.

30:37 Yeah, it got four stars.

30:39 Ooh, wait a minute.

30:41 Those aren't stars.

30:44 [laughter] Hey, you want to take a look?

30:45 Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.

30:50 Hey, what's going on?

30:52 Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws,

30:55 how long it took to go back in the water?

31:01 Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.

31:04 You don't know.

31:05 You didn't see it.

31:06 Childbirth is it's a natural thing.

31:08 It's beautiful.

31:09 Oh, beautiful?

31:10 Really?

31:11 Oh, really?

31:12 You think THIS IS BEAUTIFUL?

31:18 OH MY GOD, [laughter] NO WONDER MY MOTHER HATES ME.

31:25 [screaming] SEE, HONEY, THERE'S DON'T TOUCH ME.

31:27 COME ON, JOEY.

31:28 RACH, I TOLD YOU everything I knew last night.

31:30 Look, it's not that big a deal.

31:32 So, Monica and Chandler are doing it.

31:36 [laughter] I cannot believe you would say that.

31:37 Oh, sorry.

31:38 Monica and Chandler are making love.

31:42 No, I mean, come on.

31:43 This is a huge deal.

31:46 Come on, I I need more details.

31:47 Like, who who initiated the first kiss?

31:50 I don't know.

31:52 Is he romantic with her?

31:55 I don't know.

31:58 Are they in love?

32:00 I don't know.

32:03 You don't know anything.

32:05 Oh, I know one thing.

32:06 What?

32:06 They did it right there on the couch yesterday.

32:10 Yeah, I'll bet you anything he's going to call you again.

32:13 Yeah, maybe, but you know, I don't think I even care.

32:17 I don't think he's the one I'm sad about.

32:22 You know, I know that I said I'm totally okay with Ross getting married,

32:26 but as it turns out, I don't think I am handling it all that well.

32:32 Yeah, maybe.

32:35 [laughter] And I'm just trying to figure out why.

32:37 Any luck?

32:39 Well, yeah.

32:40 Yeah, I mean, you know how Ross and I have always been on again,

32:42 off again, on again, off again.

32:45 I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again.

32:50 Again.

32:53 You know what?

32:54 I think we all did.

32:57 Hey.

32:58 Hey.

32:58 Hey.

33:04 So, got us a reservations for Sunday night, okay?

33:07 How about Ernie's at 9:00?

33:09 Yeah, well, you better make it for three.

33:13 Oh, see, I I don't know if we're going to be hungry at three.

33:18 [laughter]

33:20 Three people.

33:21 Josh was not going to be there.

33:23 What happened?

33:24 Um well, I think I think he broke up with me.

33:28 Oh, why?

33:31 Apparently, he scares easy.

33:34 Rachel, I'm sorry.

33:37 It's okay.

33:40 Sometimes, things don't work out the way you thought they would.

33:47 Come here.

33:55 Oh, hey, don't you have to go pick up Emma?

33:58 Yeah.

33:58 Yeah.

34:00 You okay?

34:01 Yeah.

34:02 I got my girls.

34:08 Okay.

34:24 Hey, you know what might cheer you up?

34:27 What?

34:32 You know, I got to tell you, this really does put me in a better mood.

34:37 [laughter] Ah, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time.

34:43 [laughter] Maybe someday there will be.

34:45 Janice likes to cuddle at night, which, you know, I'm all for.

34:50 But, uh you know, when you want to go to sleep, you want some space.

34:53 So, uh you know, how do I tell her that without,

34:56 you know, accidentally calling her fat or something?

35:00 Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

35:01 We can't help you there, cuz we're cuddly sleepers.

35:06 Okay, I'm late for work.

35:07 Oh.

35:08 All right, are you guys going to come down?

35:09 Uh yeah.

35:10 Yeah, I'll I'm right behind you.

35:11 Okay.

35:12 Good luck, Chandler.

35:13 Thank you, Rachel.

35:13 Bye, sweetie.

35:17 Okay, the sleeping thing.

35:21 [laughter]

35:21 Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.

35:23 I thought you guys were CUDDLY SLEEPERS.

35:25 NO.

35:29 [laughter] NO, NOT CUDDLY, not me, just her.

35:31 I'm like you, I need the room.

35:33 Okay, come here.

35:37 [cheering] Okay.

35:40 You're in bed.

35:41 Yeah.

35:44 [laughter] I'm going to use the cushion.

35:48 Yeah.

35:50 [laughter] Okay.

35:50 You're in bed.

35:51 She's over on your side cuddling.

35:54 Now, you wait for her to drift off,

35:57 and then you hug her, and roll her over to her side of the bed.

36:05 And then you roll away.

36:12 Hug for her, roll for you.

36:20 Okay, the old hug and roll.

36:22 Yeah.

36:22 Okay.

36:23 One question.

36:24 Shoot.

36:24 You're pretending the pillow is a girl, right?

36:29 [laughter] Can I use your phone?

36:29 Yeah.

36:29 Uh but for future reference,

36:31 um that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.

36:38 Yes, it's working.

36:42 [laughter] Why isn't she calling me back?

36:44 Maybe she never got your message.

36:46 You know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps,

36:49 that means that she probably didn't get her messages yet.

36:52 You don't think that makes me seem a little desperate, needy, pathetic?

36:57 Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

37:00 [laughter] How many beeps?

37:04 She answered.

37:06 [clears throat] [laughter]

37:07 You see, this is where you'd use that hello word we talked about.

37:15 [laughter] Not even close.

37:17 Okay, well, then you know what?

37:18 Help me.

37:18 I need help.

37:18 I can't do this.

37:19 All right, come on.

37:20 Let's do it.

37:21 Come on.

37:21 All right.

37:21 Sit down.

37:22 All right.

37:23 All right, put your head back.

37:24 Yes.

37:24 All right.

37:25 Okay.

37:26 Now, open your eyes.

37:27 Okay, they are.

37:31 [laughter] How many fingers am I holding up?

37:33 Four.

37:34 Oh my god, I was thinking four.

37:36 Yes.

37:38 All right, you know what?

37:38 Why don't we start with a practice one, okay?

37:40 Okay.

37:41 No drugs.

37:41 Great.

37:42 Okay.

37:43 Okay.

37:44 On three.

37:45 Okay.

37:45 One, two, three.

37:49 My pillow's all wet.

37:50 Well, well, you said it was practice.

37:53 Then why did you move?

37:54 Because I knew you were lying.

37:57 ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

37:58 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

37:59 WHAT MONICA?

38:00 Let's get started.

38:01 OH MY GOD.

38:02 NOW, I AM GOING I'M GOING TO TURN IT OVER.

38:06 I AM I am going to I am going TO GET OKAY.

38:10 GET THESE SOCKS IN YOUR EYES.

38:11 OH MY GOD, YOU REALLY ARE FREAKISHLY STRONG.

38:16 [laughter]

38:21 JANICE, EMPTY.

38:23 YEAH.

38:23 [laughter] YOU KNOW, IF JOEY AND CHANDLER walked in right now,

38:26 we could make a fortune.

38:30 [laughter] Can you pass me the TV guide?

38:31 YEAH.

38:32 NO.

38:33 WHAT?

38:33 I AIN'T DOING OH MY GOD.

38:37 HOLD IT UP.

38:37 OKAY.

38:41 [cheering] [applause] WE'LL SEE YOU IN ABOUT THREE OR FOUR HOURS.

38:48 SPIDER-MAN.

38:50 You know, like Goldman, Silverman.

38:52 Cuz it it's not his last name.

38:55 It isn't?

38:56 No, it's not like like Phil Spider-Man.

39:04 [laughter] He's a spider man.

39:07 You know, like uh like Goldman is a last name, but there's no gold man.

39:13 Oh, okay.

39:15 There should be a gold man.

39:19 Oh, this is so amazing.

39:21 I can't believe my brother's getting married and in London.

39:23 I mean, it's just it's so romantic.

39:27 Yeah, pretty smart.

39:29 Tissue paper.

39:31 You at the wedding, you have to cry.

39:33 Handkerchief?

39:34 No, no, I got my invitation.

39:39 [laughter]

39:38 Oh look, isn't this adorable?

39:40 Ross let Ben address mine.

39:44 [laughter]

39:44 Hello.

39:44 Hey.

39:46 Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross's wedding?

39:49 No.

39:52 Well, don't worry, man.

39:52 I get to bring a guest.

39:53 We'll show him.

39:55 So jealous you're all going.

39:57 I can't believe I never knew that you can't fly in your third trimester.

40:01 I didn't know that.

40:01 know that, either.

40:02 I knew that.

40:05 So didn't know that, but you should see your faces.

40:09 [laughter] Hey guys.

40:10 What's up?

40:10 Hey.

40:11 Hey.

40:11 Good to be hanging out.

40:14 [laughter]

40:18 What's this?

40:20 Is this Ross's wedding invitation?

40:22 See, maybe that's the one we should have actually hidden.

40:26 [laughter]

40:26 Oh, no, no, you guys, come on.

40:27 You don't have to do that.

40:29 I'm happy for him.

40:31 I am.

40:32 I really I'm I'm I I'll work on it.

40:37 [laughter] I'm sorry, honey.

40:40 Wait, you're going to come though, aren't you?

40:43 Oh, honey, I don't know.

40:44 I don't know.

40:46 This isn't one of those you know,

40:47 if she doesn't come, we we don't we don't come, right?

40:49 Because I already bought my ticket.

40:54 [laughter] This is my son having lunch, okay?

40:56 It's going to happen a lot, so you better get used to it.

40:58 And if you have any problem with it,

41:00 if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions.

41:02 Carol's fine with it.

41:03 Come on.

41:06 Carol?

41:07 Carol?

41:10 I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breastfeeding.

41:15 [laughter] Sure.

41:18 Uh [laughter] Does it hurt?

41:23 It did at first, but not anymore.

41:25 Chandler?

41:28 So uh how often can you do it?

41:32 As much as he needs.

41:34 Oh, okay, I got one.

41:35 I got one.

41:36 Uh [clears throat] If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

41:42 One to two.

41:44 Interesting.

41:47 [laughter] Anyway, um probably worked out for the best.

41:56 Yeah, sure.

41:58 And in about 10 seconds, you're going to see him kiss me.

42:01 And in about 5 seconds, you're going to see why.

42:08 Ross, did I ever tell you about

42:10 the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?

42:16 [laughter] Hey, get ready to see some begging.

42:26 [laughter] OH, YOU CAME ON TO ROSS.

42:28 WHAT?

42:29 WELL, I'M SO HAPPY.

42:32 [laughter] What are you talking about?

42:34 You used the Europe story.

42:35 That's the magic story you use when you want TO HAVE SEX.

42:40 [laughter] HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT STORY?

42:44 How do you know about that story?

42:47 [laughter] I HEARD IT FROM MY friend Irene, who heard it from some guy.

42:51 SOME GUY?

42:56 [applause] NO, NO, SHE TOLD ME THAT HIS NAME WAS KEN ADAMS.

43:02 [cheering] KEN ADAMS?

43:03 I GOT TO TELL YOU, I LOVE your mom's books.

43:05 I love her books.

43:06 I cannot get on a plane without one.

43:07 I mean, this is so cool.

43:09 Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it's cool if you're 11 years old and all

43:11 your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Hey, hey, HEY, SHE'S ON.

43:19 AH, NOT A BING.

43:23 IF YOU GET TO THE BOOK.

43:24 NOW, NOW, WHAT IS THIS about you you being arrested in London?

43:27 What is that all about?

43:28 Your mom was arrested?

43:30 Busy beaming with pride.

43:32 This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally,

43:36 after I've been intimate with a man, Now, why would you say that's embarrassing?

43:42 I just get this craving for Kung Pao chicken.

43:46 THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

43:52 ALL RIGHT, SO NOW YOU'RE DOING THIS WHOLE book tour thing.

43:54 How's that going?

43:55 Oh, fine.

43:56 I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate,

43:59 but I get to see my son, who I love.

44:03 And this is the way that I find out.

44:05 Most moms use the phone.

44:07 You know, I don't take this wrong.

44:09 I I just don't see you as a mom, somehow.

44:12 I don't mean that I don't mean that bad.

44:13 Oh, no, I am a fabulous mom.

44:16 I got my son his first condoms.

44:24 And then he burst into flame.

44:26 Remember, I'm I'm still learning.

44:37 One, two, three, four.

44:44 [music] [music] [cheering] You know this song?

44:59 Sing along.

45:02 [laughter] [laughter] So?

45:20 No.

45:20 Joey, miss him?

45:21 No, no, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

45:25 Whoa, she's pretty.

45:26 Yeah.

45:27 Oh, and she's really nice, too.

45:29 She taught me all about, you know,

45:30 how to work with the cameras and smell the fart acting.

45:37 I'm sorry.

45:37 What?

45:40 It's like you got so many lines to learn so fast

45:43 that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.

45:46 So while you're thinking of it,

45:48 you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.

45:57 Okay.

46:00 Oh, here's my scene.

46:00 Here's my scene.

46:05 This is Wallace?

46:05 Yes.

46:06 I'm Dr.

46:07 Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.

46:09 And tell me, Is she Will she be all right?

46:11 I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected.

46:15 Your sister is suffering from a a subdural hematoma.

46:28 Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.

46:39 [laughter]

46:39 Nice.

46:40 You know, for a minute there,

46:41 I thought you were actually trying to smell something.

46:44 Chandler Bing.

46:44 Hi, honey.

46:45 We're all here.

46:46 We just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

46:48 Merry Christmas.

46:53 [laughter] Aw, Merry Christmas.

46:54 I miss you guys.

46:55 So is it horrible?

46:56 Is everybody working really hard?

46:58 Uh well, no, it's just uh me and Wendy.

47:01 Wendy?

47:02 That sounds like a girl's name.

47:05 It is.

47:05 Did I not tell you about her?

47:07 Mhm.

47:08 Mhm.

47:08 About the time you told me about New Year's Eve.

47:11 Where is everybody else?

47:13 I sent them home.

47:14 Aw, you are such a good boss.

47:17 Is she pretty?

47:21 [laughter] Uh uh answer faster answer faster.

47:23 I don't know.

47:24 Answer better answer better.

47:27 I don't think of her that way, you know?

47:29 I mean, she's a yeah, she's a colleague.

47:30 What does she do there?

47:32 Oh, she's regional vice president.

47:33 She's just below me.

47:35 SHE DID WHAT?

47:38 [laughter] BELOW ME.

47:45 [laughter] OH, WAIT, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?

47:48 What?

47:52 [laughter] Well, she didn't win.

47:54 All right, well, maybe I should let you

47:56 and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.

47:59 Well, second prettiest that year.

48:01 I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

48:07 [laughter] Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.

48:10 Okay.

48:11 I'm serious.

48:12 Okay.

48:14 Merry Christmas.

48:15 Merry Christmas.

48:17 Merry Christmas, you guys.

48:44 [laughter] Oh, that's nice.

48:52 ROSS.

48:58 [applause] ROSS.

49:04 I'M HERE.

49:07 [laughter] YOU ARE?

49:12 Um We were we were we were just What?

49:18 What?

49:22 Great, now I'm having a baby.

49:25 What?

49:27 No, I'm I'm having I'M HAVING A BABY.

49:29 I'M I'M HAVING [laughter] A WHAT'S THE PHONE?

49:31 THE PHONE.

49:36 ROSS.

49:38 I'M HURT.

49:40 THAT IS THE MOST beautiful engagement ring ever.

49:44 Yeah, well, you should know.

49:45 You bought like a billion of them.

49:49 [laughter] Yeah, you didn't get one.

49:52 Okay, well, tonight's the big night.

49:54 Hey, listen, how are you going to ask her?

49:55 It is going to be perfect.

49:56 I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant.

49:59 I'm going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves,

50:02 therefore knows how expensive it is.

50:05 Then, when the glasses are full,

50:07 instead of proposing a toast, I'm just going to propose.

50:10 Aw.

50:12 It sounds perfect.

50:14 You're going to mess it up.

50:15 Let me do it.

50:17 I'm not going to mess it up.

50:18 If she says no, can I have the ring?

50:21 She's not going to say no.

50:23 If.

50:27 [laughter] Hey.

50:27 Hey.

50:29 I'm lovable.

50:34 [laughter] Give it.

50:34 It's gone.

50:37 Phoebe.

50:42 I'm lovable.

50:46 Practically kissing.

50:52 [music]