I don’t want kids — and apparently that’s a problem

0:05 Even though I’m a proud uncle, I don’t want kids myself.

0:09 I was on the fence about it during my adolescence,

0:13 but as the years passed, my wish to live without children solidified.

0:18 In the past, people have tried to convince me to have kids,

0:23 but I’ve never found their reasons particularly appealing or conclusive.

0:27 Others told me, honestly and based on experience,

0:31 how difficult parenting can be and that I should think twice about it,

0:36 which only strengthened my resolve.

0:39 The decision not to have kids isn’t received well by everyone.

0:43 I’m lucky to have an understanding family,

0:46 but I’ve also witnessed people getting condemned for their choice.

0:51 The country I’m from, the Netherlands,

0:53 is overall pretty accepting of people who wish to be voluntarily childless.

0:58 But in many parts of the world, that’s certainly not the case.

1:03 On top of that, the internet is full of animosity toward the childfree.

1:07 There is a great deal of shaming and blaming,

1:11 ranging from ignorance and misunderstanding to outright spite toward

1:15 those who don’t conform to the dominant social norm.

1:20 I’ve often struggled to understand,

1:23 let alone explain or defend, why I don’t want children.

1:28 At the same time, few life decisions

1:31 have occupied my thoughts more than this question,

1:34 which has followed me throughout my adult life,

1:38 from dating and relationships to watching people around me,

1:42 especially my friends and siblings, start families.

1:46 But today, I think I can explain quite well why I don’t want kids.

1:52 Moreover, I believe I can make a strong case

1:55 that choosing not to have children is not morally wrong,

2:00 and may, in some circumstances, even be the more ethical choice.

2:04 In this essay, I want to share the reasons

2:07 I’ve arrived at, after a great deal of thought, for not having children.

2:13 Hopefully, they’ll offer some insight and perhaps even help you

2:17 work through your own thoughts and struggles on the subject.

2:21 My name is Stefan.

2:23 If you enjoy my work, you can subscribe to my newsletter on Substack.

2:27 You can also support me on Patreon, and my books are available on Amazon.

2:32 Thank you, and I hope you’ll enjoy this video.

2:41 Before we get into the reasons I don’t want kids,

2:45 let’s explore some recurring criticisms

2:47 and arguments that childfree people face.

2:50 By the way, I’m using the term “childfree” for simplicity’s sake.

2:55 That doesn’t mean that I’m part of any

2:58 childfree movement or community, because I’m not.

3:01 Let’s start with the “there’s something wrong with you” accusations,

3:05 which often come in different flavors,

3:08 from “You’re selfish,” “You’re self-absorbed,” “You don’t want responsibility,”

3:12 to “You just hate children” or “You’re mentally ill”.

3:17 Jordan Peterson is probably one of the most

3:21 famous contemporary figures when it comes to such accusations,

3:24 saying that if you don’t want children, you’re “either deluded or immature”.

3:29 Another thing I’ve often heard is that you only

3:33 discover true love and happiness once you have children.

3:37 People say things like, “The moment I held my baby,

3:41 everything else seemed insignificant,” or “Nothing

3:43 I achieved before becoming a parent

3:46 compares to this.” It’s not that I doubt the sincerity of such statements;

3:52 I’m genuinely happy for people who feel this way about parenthood.

3:56 But there is also something rather dismissive about these statements.

4:00 They can make everything (and everyone)

4:03 outside the parent-child relationship seem unimportant,

4:06 while implying that the lives of people

4:09 without children are somehow less meaningful or complete.

4:13 Also, a while ago, someone close to me said, “Without children,

4:19 what’s the point of life?” The supposed lack of meaning

4:22 is often used as an argument against being childfree.

4:26 “Children give life purpose,” “Family is what life is

4:30 about,” “Life is empty without kids,” and so forth.

4:34 Some people even claim that procreation is the purpose of a human being,

4:39 that nature has made us to reproduce.

4:42 But, as I see it, reproduction is a biological function,

4:47 while meaning and purpose are human concepts.

4:50 I’ve never heard nature telling us what our lives are for.

4:56 Other arguments include the idea that you owe your parents grandchildren,

5:00 that you should carry on the family name,

5:03 or that “if your parents had thought the same way,

5:07 you wouldn’t even exist.” And on a macro scale,

5:10 there’s the allegation that you’re failing society.

5:12 After all, who will pay taxes?

5:15 Who will take care of the elderly?

5:18 In more extreme circles,

5:20 the pro-birth sentiment becomes explicitly racial or ethnonationalist:

5:23 having children is presented as a duty to preserve one’s race or ethnicity.

5:29 And then there’s the argument that children will take

5:33 care of you and keep you company when you’re older.

5:36 And if you don’t have kids, who’s going to visit you?

5:40 It’s an understandable concern,

5:41 but it also doesn’t sound like a very selfless reason to have children.

5:47 There are probably many more arguments and accusations against being childfree,

5:53 so feel free to share them in the comments.

5:56 These are simply the ones that come to mind first.

5:59 What many of them have in common is the implication that childfree people are,

6:04 in one way or another, doing something wrong.

6:07 I won’t address each of these arguments one by one.

6:12 Instead, I’ll share my own reasons for not having

6:16 children and return to some of them where relevant.

6:19 Here we go.

6:20 The first is that… I don’t think I

6:24 would make a good father From my observations,

6:27 I’ve come to believe that not everyone is fit to be a parent.

6:33 Unfortunately, many people unfit for parenting have children.

6:37 I don’t want to be one of those people.

6:39 And to help you understand why, I have to tell you a bit about myself.

6:44 As of today, I’m 42.

6:46 I have struggled with depression and anxiety for much of my life,

6:52 along with years of heavy drinking (sometimes passing out

6:55 on the street or waking up in the bushes).

6:58 Even though I hardly drink these days and I’m more stable than before,

7:02 I still have this vulnerability regarding my mental health.

7:06 It takes effort to manage it, and mismanagement could cause me to spiral.

7:12 Some of this probably goes back to a turbulent and traumatic childhood.

7:17 There is also a history of trauma on my father’s side of the family.

7:21 Two family members have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,

7:25 many have struggled with depression and mood swings,

7:29 and one of my aunts took her own life.

7:32 I know what it’s like to grow up with parents who were struggling themselves,

7:37 who probably needed psychological help,

7:39 and who often couldn’t handle the demands of parenting.

7:43 It can create an unsafe, unstable,

7:46 and sometimes hostile environment for a child.

7:50 I also don’t cope well with stress.

7:53 I’m highly sensitive and introverted,

7:55 and social interaction tends to drain my energy.

7:59 A psychologist once suggested that I might also have some autistic traits,

8:04 although I’ve never been formally assessed.

8:07 And since COVID, I’ve become more sensitive to crowds,

8:10 and I’ve also been more prone to insomnia.

8:13 Knowing who I am and being aware of my limitations,

8:17 I just don’t see myself taking on this heavy role as a parent.

8:22 Given how much I’ve struggled with my mental health,

8:25 and how fragile that balance can still be at times,

8:28 I think being a father would simply be too much for me.

8:32 I don’t think I could handle it very well.

8:36 The idea alone already tires me.

8:38 It brings me no joy or excitement,

8:40 unlike many aspiring parents who can’t wait to have

8:43 children and are over the moon when it finally happens.

8:47 I don’t want any hypothetical children of mine to suffer

8:51 because of the baggage and vulnerabilities I carry with me.

8:55 And that’s not even getting into my genetics,

8:58 which, frankly, I’m not particularly eager to pass on.

9:02 I also don’t want to risk adding more suffering to my own life.

9:08 Sure, parenthood can be deeply fulfilling, but for some people,

9:12 the constant demands can lead to exhaustion,

9:16 chronic stress, and declining mental health.

9:19 Now, to address some of the accusations we explored earlier: yes, in a sense,

9:25 I don’t want the responsibility,

9:27 but that’s largely because of my struggles with mental health.

9:31 I don’t consider myself selfish, nor do I hate children.

9:35 If anything, I think it would be more

9:38 selfish to have children despite knowing you may

9:41 not be able to handle the demands

9:43 of parenting and might become resentful as a result.

9:47 I don’t consider myself “deluded or immature” either,

9:51 as Jordan Peterson suggests.

9:53 On the contrary, I think I see quite

9:56 clearly why parenthood is probably not for me;

10:00 and recognizing your own limitations can itself be a sign of maturity.

10:06 Let’s go to the next reason… I don’t need children to find purpose in life.

10:13 I often feel like I need two lifetimes (probably more) to create everything

10:18 I want to create and learn everything I want to know about the world.

10:23 Ever since childhood, I’ve been blessed, or cursed,

10:26 depending on how you look at it, with an insatiable curiosity.

10:30 The downside is that I’ve often jumped from project to project,

10:34 from one interest to another.

10:36 But when I find something that sticks, I can spend years immersing myself in it.

10:42 My creative exploration of philosophy is just one example;

10:45 there are many more things I’d love to learn, explore, and create.

10:50 Why would I add children to the mix when I’m already struggling to choose

10:55 from countless things I’d rather spend my time doing than being a parent?

11:00 To give life meaning, some would say.

11:03 Recently arrested influencer Andrew Tate said in an interview

11:07 that a life without children is pointless,

11:10 much like my friend who asked, “Without children,

11:13 what’s the point?” These are pretty definitive statements to make.

11:18 Having children can be profoundly meaningful for many.

11:23 But is having children the meaning of life?

11:27 I think that’s much harder to defend.

11:31 Again, a biological function isn’t the same as meaning,

11:35 regardless of how vital or important that function may be.

11:39 As far as we know, “the meaning of life” is a human concept.

11:43 Nature doesn’t appear to assign meaning or purpose to living things.

11:48 We observe processes and functions in nature,

11:51 but nature doesn’t tell us what any of it is all for.

11:56 We could take the existentialist view that we

11:59 come into existence without a predetermined purpose.

12:03 As Sartre famously put it, “existence precedes essence”.

12:06 What we make of the empty canvas of our lives is largely up to us.

12:13 Of course, reproduction is important.

12:15 It allows our species to continue.

12:18 But when it comes to meaning,

12:20 don’t we also have these distinctly human capacities for thinking,

12:26 creating, learning, experiencing the world,

12:29 and shaping our lives in our own unique ways?

12:32 If anything, wouldn’t it make just as much sense to look for meaning

12:38 in these human capacities rather than

12:40 reduce the meaning of life to reproduction,

12:43 something we share with nearly all living organisms… from cattle to cockroaches?

12:48 I’ve never desired children as a source of purpose.

12:52 I’ve simply got too many things going on.

12:55 If anything, one of my concerns is that parenthood would take

12:59 me away from what I want my life to be about.

13:03 Am I thus “self-absorbed” if I want to focus

13:06 on my interests and spend my days on creative pursuits?

13:10 I don’t know.

13:12 I’m deeply interested in the world around me,

13:16 and I engage with it through creativity,

13:20 reading, podcasts, travel, and simply thinking.

13:23 Sure, to some extent, that’s self-serving.

13:26 But wanting to pass on one’s genes, to have children to give one’s life purpose,

13:32 or to use parenthood to fill a void can be just as self-serving in its own way.

13:39 Does my life feel empty without kids?

13:42 I sometimes feel empty, usually when my mood isn’t great.

13:47 But even in those moments,

13:49 I’ve never thought that having a child would somehow fill that emptiness.

13:54 But then, am I not failing society?

13:58 I don’t think that’s the case.

14:01 Sure, I’m not contributing to population growth,

14:04 but I still work, pay taxes, create useful content, write books, help others,

14:10 and generally try not to be a nuisance to my environment.

14:14 I’d argue that a childfree person who

14:17 contributes positively may actually do more good

14:20 than a parent who neglects their responsibilities

14:23 and leaves society to clean up the mess.

14:27 I also don’t feel it’s my purpose to preserve my ‘race’.

14:32 I’m mixed race anyway,

14:33 so I’m doing ethnonationalists a favor by not passing on my genes.

14:38 In that sense, I’ve already done my part for the ethnostate.

14:44 Still, despite what I consider two solid reasons not to have kids,

14:49 I must admit that sometimes,

14:51 when I see my siblings and cousins having children, for example,

14:55 I’m suddenly struck by the fear that maybe I’m missing something.

14:59 It’s the fear of future regret: a vision of an older,

15:04 lonelier version of myself who finally

15:07 realizes that he wanted children after all.

15:11 Well, let’s chop his head off.

15:14 I would rather regret not having children than

15:18 regret having them Regret is a horrible feeling.

15:21 It can linger for years, all the way to the grave.

15:25 Research suggests that short-term regret is often about what we did,

15:30 while long-term regret is more often about what we didn’t do.

15:35 So reaching old age and realizing that you

15:38 wanted children after all could be deeply painful.

15:41 Who wants to end up as some crazy,

15:44 resentful cat lady or creepy old bachelor spending

15:47 his days playing with model trains in the attic?

15:50 (Although, to be fair, model trains are quite cool.) Who wants

15:54 to see all those happy families walking around, living, laughing, and loving,

15:59 while you’re left on the outside looking in, thinking: this could have been me?

16:05 I wish I had kids after all.

16:07 Regretting never having had kids can be a bitter pill to swallow,

16:12 especially when you hear parents saying things like,

16:15 “I never knew true love until I

16:17 had children.” (Although my first thought is usually:

16:20 how can I miss what I’ve never experienced?) However,

16:24 there’s another kind of regret that, in my opinion,

16:28 is far more troubling: regretting having children.

16:32 I think we’re dealing with a taboo here; a blind spot,

16:37 something that only a few people dare to speak about publicly,

16:41 as they’re afraid to be denounced because of it.

16:45 But thanks to the internet, a significant number of people have been opening up,

16:51 largely anonymously, about their regret over having children.

16:56 With 71,000 weekly visitors as of today,

17:00 the subreddit /regretfulparents has become a significant online space

17:04 for people who feel they shouldn’t have become parents,

17:08 as well as for those interested in the topic.

17:11 Many of the stories I’ve found there were alarming, some heartbreaking.

17:16 People report a variety of reasons for regretting having children,

17:22 ranging from mental health problems

17:24 and loss of freedom to financial difficulties,

17:28 lack of support, sleep deprivation, and unequal parenting.

17:32 I feel a slight increase in anxiety when going through these posts,

17:37 especially considering my own limitations and what I value in life.

17:42 I strongly suspect having children would affect me all across the board,

17:46 in ways that make regret of having children a plausible outcome.

17:51 I can only imagine how painful it must be to regret having children;

17:56 not just for the parent, but for the child as well.

18:00 My father told me several times that he never wanted me,

18:03 and that I only exist because my mother lied about being on birth control.

18:07 Even though he also said he was glad I was here in the end,

18:12 those words still hurt.

18:13 They left me with the feeling that I had always been a burden to him,

18:18 which may also explain why he was so often angry with me,

18:22 even when I had no idea what I had done wrong.

18:26 As far as I’m concerned, I don’t ever want to put my hypothetical child through

18:32 the experience of being unwanted or being the object of regret.

18:36 I think children can sense when they’re unwanted,

18:40 even when a parent tries hard not to show it.

18:43 It leaves a wound in both the parent and the child.

18:47 I’m willing to risk regretting not having children.

18:51 I’m far less willing to risk regretting having them.

18:55 If I regret not having children, I’m the only one who has to bear that pain.

19:01 That seems fair to me, since I’m the one responsible for the decision.

19:06 But if I regret having children,

19:08 I’m no longer the only one who bears the consequences;

19:12 my children and their mother would have to live with them too.

19:16 Considering these two possible outcomes, together with who I am,

19:21 I believe that risking the regret of not

19:25 having children is the more ethical choice for me.

19:28 Hence, I would rather regret not having children than regret having them.

19:33 So, these are the main reasons why I don’t want kids.

19:38 I have other concerns as well, especially about the current state of the world

19:43 and the nature of existence itself, but that’s a story for another time.

19:49 I hope you found these thoughts useful.

19:52 If you’re childfree yourself, feel free to share what led you to that choice.

19:57 And if you’re critical of people who choose not to have children,

20:01 I’d be interested to hear why.

20:06 Thank you for watching.