Fashion District Robbery - SNL

0:04 -Good evening.

0:04 I'm Wesley Welch, and you're watching "New

0:06 York 1." Coming up, it's almost summer.

0:09 We've got five spots where you can

0:10 experience that famous NYC hot-urine smell for yourself.

0:15 But first, our top story.

0:17 A bank robbery occurred in the Fashion District earlier today.

0:20 Our own Amy Asher is live on the scene.

0:23 Amy?

0:23 -Thank you, Wes.

0:24 It was around noon that the sounds of gunfire

0:27 erupted outside of a bank here on 26th Street.

0:30 Miraculously, nobody was injured, but bystanders were shaken,

0:35 including this group of students and faculty

0:37 from the Fashion Institute of Design next door.

0:40 Let's speak to them and their teacher, D'Artagnan Meringue.

0:45 -I don't teach.

0:47 I show.

0:48 I am the lesson.

0:51 -Got it.

0:52 Now, can you describe the suspect?

0:55 -I would say 30, 32 maybe?

0:58 -So, fairly young?

0:59 -No, not in age, honey.

1:01 Waist and inseam.

1:02 What else could I have been referring to?

1:04 -I apologize.

1:06 Uh, could you describe his clothing?

1:09 -Yes.

1:10 Boho derogatory.

1:14 -Could you be more specific?

1:16 -Why?

1:16 He sure as hell wasn't.

1:18 Laughs] Speak on it!

1:20 Listen, listen.

1:21 Give me that mic.

1:22 The look was all over the place and baggy to a fault.

1:26 My man was swimming in that fit.

1:29 -Swimming?

1:29 Try drowning.

1:34 -Who was that?

1:36 -Oh, that's Tully Point, the dean.

1:37 Who else could it have been?

1:40 -Okay, so I really want to give our viewers

1:42 as clear a description of the suspect as possible.

1:47 -Be on the lookout for a mess!

1:52 -Again, I'm not really understanding.

1:55 -Excuse you.

1:55 I was not done speaking.

1:57 Class, help this woman describe the man's drip.

2:01 Delaney?

2:02 -The fit must have been in the unemployment line because it was not working.

2:09 -Good!

2:10 Roscoe?

2:11 -The fit was giving style by Stevie...

2:14 Stevie Wonder.

2:16 -Yes.

2:17 Yes.

2:18 Yes.

2:19 Gabby?

2:21 -He had, like, a hoodie and, like— -Gabby, you are not cut out for this!

2:29 Go to a normal college.

2:34 Look.

2:35 The clothes were a disaster, but the accessories ate down.

2:39 Chuckles] -The accessories?

2:41 -His gun, woman!

2:42 What else could I have been talking about?

2:44 -Oh.

2:45 You're getting smoke in my face.

2:47 -You're getting your face in my smoke!

2:53 "Antyway," the gun was a tasteful matte-black color.

2:58 -That he paired with a brown belt in spring.

3:03 Oh, no, baby.

3:05 Unalive yourself.

3:10 -Okay, a brown belt.

3:12 That's a good detail.

3:14 Any more specifics on the color of his clothing?

3:16 -The colors flirted with boldness but couldn't get her in bed.

3:21 -Yes, Delaney.

3:23 Roscoe?

3:23 -The colors were a statement.

3:25 And that statement was "Mama raised a dumbass." -Yes, Roscoe!

3:32 Gabby?

3:33 -His jeans were, like, dark blue.

3:36 -Gabby!

3:36 Drop out!

3:39 I beg you.

3:39 Go back to Connecticut.

3:42 -But I like fashion.

3:44 -You have no future in this industry.

3:46 None.

3:46 Zilch.

3:47 Sighs] "I like fashion." Well, I like pornography,

3:51 but I do it as a hobby, not a career.

3:53 -Okay, okay.

3:55 Can you please just describe the suspect in a normal way?

4:00 -No!

4:02 But I snapped a photo of the crime being committed.

4:05 Mm-hmm.

4:05 -Oh, please show that.

4:07 -Oh!

4:10 There.

4:11 The crime of the century.

4:14 If you're going to be sockless in Crocs, invest in some lotion.

4:18 His heels were drier than saltines.

4:22 In fact, when the police asked which way he went,

4:24 I said, "Follow that trail of Parmesan." -Okay.

4:26 All right, all right.

4:27 Enough.

4:28 Let's just forget the clothes.

4:30 -Believe me.

4:30 I'm trying.

4:32 -Authorities have urged the public to remain

4:34 vigilant as the suspect is still at large.

4:37 -Try extra large.

4:39 -Stop!

4:39 Stop crossing my frame.

4:42 Softly] Jesus Christ.

4:43 If you have any information on the suspect, please contact police.

4:47 -And I hope the police do to him

4:49 what he should have done to those raggedy-ass jeans.

4:51 Cuff 'em!

4:54 -More as the story develops.

4:56 Wes?

4:57 -Thanks, Amy.

4:57 I learned a lot from this story.

5:00 You know, hoping that maybe now that I stepped up my drip,

5:03 you might reconsider my offer?

5:05 -Your offer to be friends but hook up when your wife's out of town?

5:09 Yeah.

5:09 My answer is still no.

5:11 -Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

5:12 Reconsider, honey.

5:13 You could do worse, but you won't do better.

5:14 -Okay, what is your problem with me?

5:16 -Everything!

5:17 Everything.

5:18 Your hair...