Life advice society doesn't want you to hear...

0:01 Is happiness personal?

0:02 I’ve often thought about that question

0:05 while researching different philosophies and belief systems.

0:08 There are many roads to happiness,

0:11 and what makes someone happy seems to differ from person to person.

0:15 What happiness actually means also appears to be a personal matter.

0:20 Conventional advice for a happy life tends to revolve around relationships:

0:24 building a social circle, finding the right partner,

0:28 having children, and spending time with family.

0:30 It encourages us to pursue decent careers that offer

0:34 the financial stability needed to sustain this conventional way of living.

0:39 Such advice seems excellent,

0:41 as it encourages people to fully integrate into the societal machine,

0:46 which offers plenty of perks.

0:47 And it’s a formula that has worked for many people, for many generations.

0:52 “You should do what other people do,

0:54 unless you have a very good reason not to,” wrote Jordan Peterson,

0:59 advocating for the ‘established path’ of being useful and responsible.

1:04 Yet, in the arena of philosophers, there have been plenty of outliers;

1:09 people who rejected conventional life advice,

1:12 who found their happiness in different things,

1:15 who found ways to be happy and content that aren’t quite socially acceptable.

1:20 Philosophers like Arthur Schopenhauer, Epicurus,

1:23 Democritus, and Zhuangzi are such people.

1:27 They examined life and saw that the conventional isn’t necessarily better,

1:32 especially when it comes to contentment and happiness.

1:36 And thus, they came up with ‘life advice,’ so to speak,

1:40 that quite goes against what’s considered normal,

1:42 and can even be regarded as controversial.

1:45 This video explores life advice society doesn’t want you to hear.

1:51 My name is Stefan.

1:52 This is not an AI voice, I’m a real person.

1:55 Subscribe to my newsletter on Substack to stay updated on all my content.

2:00 You can also support my work on Patreon and find my books on Amazon.

2:04 Thank you.

2:05 And I hope you’ll enjoy this video.

2:12 Imagine a cranky old guy with mommy issues living with his dog,

2:16 lamenting the dreadful state of the world and its living beings,

2:21 writing endlessly about it.

2:23 That’s Arthur Schopenhauer for you.

2:25 Schopenhauer preferred life not to have been,

2:27 and that the Earth was crystalline like the moon, as without sentient beings,

2:32 there would not have been the vast amount of suffering there is now.

2:37 Just imagine the peace when there wouldn’t be anyone around,

2:41 although there also wouldn’t be anyone there to enjoy it.

2:45 I’ve covered Schopenhauer several times now, so I try not to repeat myself.

2:50 However, I should mention again that he believed in an irrational,

2:53 blind force he named the Will-to-live,

2:56 which causes a plethora of desires within living beings.

3:00 Because of it, we desire to survive, procreate, accumulate, and gain status.

3:07 The Will-to-live is a force that keeps us on the hamster wheel,

3:11 so to speak, causing ongoing suffering and inner turmoil.

3:14 An ascetic lifestyle, such as that of hermits and monks, could ‘curb’ the Will,

3:21 but that’s a challenging path to follow,

3:23 and hardly attainable for the average Joe.

3:26 By and large, the conventional path affirms the will.

3:30 It’s about pursuing all kinds of goals,

3:33 which often makes life worrisome and uncomfortable.

3:36 Just think about the amount of work people

3:39 generally need to do to maintain their lifestyles;

3:42 people working several jobs to keep their heads above water.

3:45 And also consider the extent to which

3:48 we labor just to gain validation from others,

3:51 which is a big thing in today’s achievement society,

3:54 but an irrational pursuit according to Schopenhauer,

3:57 who pointed out that people are generally just full of it.

4:02 Schopenhauer saw happiness less as ‘positive

4:05 fulfillment’ and more as inner peace: a calm existence with not too much going

4:10 on, sustained by activities that are fulfilling but demand little.

4:15 He realized that such peace rarely comes from the conventional rat race.

4:21 Instead, it emerges from turning away from it as much as possible.

4:26 Needing less means fewer demands on oneself.

4:30 Living minimally, moderating ambition,

4:32 enjoying simple pleasures (especially intellectual ones, such as reading),

4:36 and cutting back on conventional aspirations can

4:40 lead to a more peaceful and bearable life.

4:43 Here’s a passage from a publication containing Schopenhauer’s rules for life:

4:49 We see that the best thing the world has to offer

4:52 is a present that is free of pain and calmly bearable.

4:55 If such a present falls to our lot,

4:57 we know how to value it and take care not to spoil it,

5:02 either through restless longing for imagined pleasures,

5:05 or through anxious concern for an ever-uncertain future which,

5:09 whether we resist it or not, ultimately lies entirely in the hands of fate.

5:16 End quote.

5:18 But is this what society wants you to hear?

5:22 Probably not.

5:23 An anxious concern with the future,

5:25 in terms of things to achieve and pleasures to pursue,

5:29 and stuff to buy, is incentivized by our consumerist society.

5:33 And we better be functioning cogs in the machine,

5:37 ultimately feeding the insatiable avarice of a small group of billionaires.

5:42 Okay, that sounded a bit cynical,

5:45 but still, societies usually don’t like non-conformists.

5:49 Speaking of non-conformists, let’s go back a couple of millennia,

5:53 to China, where we find our next philosopher with unconventional life advice.

6:00 The Taoist philosopher Zhuangzi liked to turn the world upside down.

6:05 Like Schopenhauer, he wasn’t quite at home in his social environment.

6:10 He didn’t shy away from ridiculing convention,

6:12 particularly the Confucianist way of life,

6:15 which is characterized by rules and rituals.

6:18 Zhuangzi’s work often points out the silver

6:22 lining in situations we generally regard as unfortunate,

6:26 such as being deemed useless by society,

6:29 which can actually be a blessing in disguise.

6:32 It also reminds us of the relativity of things,

6:36 such as physical beauty, which, ultimately, is in the eye of the beholder.

6:41 When re-reading some parts of a Dutch translation of the Zhuangzi recently,

6:46 I came across a passage in which he,

6:49 like his German nineteenth-century colleague,

6:50 criticizes how people live their lives, a critique that seems timeless.

6:56 The Zhuangzi argues that “life certainly has its limits,

7:00 while the mind does not.” And that’s why when we try

7:04 to chase the limitless (which comes from the mind) with a limited life,

7:10 we’ll end up exhausted.

7:11 But isn’t this what society encourages us to do?

7:15 We put all kinds of stuff in our heads, ambitions,

7:19 goals, wishes; often a lot more than our physicality can handle.

7:23 Moreover, today, we have established a societal

7:27 standard that dictates that we overstretch ourselves.

7:30 “Knowing this, yet still acting from the restless demands of the mind,

7:36 means wearing yourself out until the very end,” argues Zhuangzi.

7:41 Today, overstretching ourselves far beyond the limits

7:44 of our bodies has become the norm.

7:47 According to the contemporary philosopher Byung-Chul Han,

7:50 we live in an achievement society,

7:52 in which its subjects experience internal pressure to achieve,

7:56 leading to significant stress and burnout,

7:59 which I’ve explored in a video a while back.

8:02 So, what’s the solution?

8:05 Unsurprisingly, Zhuangzi discourages us from habitually

8:08 biting off more than we can chew.

8:10 The passage follows up with some ancient advice

8:13 that is strikingly useful in today’s day and age,

8:17 which goes like this: If you avoid seeking fame through doing good,

8:23 and avoid punishment through doing wrong,

8:25 and instead follow a quiet middle line that regulates your actions,

8:30 you can protect your health,

8:32 preserve your nature, nourish what matters most to you,

8:35 and live out the years you have been given.

8:38 End quote.

8:39 In modern times, we can interpret it

8:42 as avoiding excesses that overstretch our capacity, whether good or bad,

8:47 and staying on a ‘middle path’ that more

8:51 closely aligns with what our bodies can actually handle.

8:54 Sure, we may not build multimillion-dollar businesses,

8:57 nor will we have much to brag about on LinkedIn every day,

9:01 and we certainly refuse to work ourselves to death in the corporate environment.

9:06 But, in exchange, we will keep our tranquility, health, and longevity.

9:11 (If you’re interested in Zhuangzi’s philosophy,

9:13 I’ve made an in-depth video about him.) Recently, I’ve been very slowly creating

9:21 podcast episodes about the Presocratic philosophers.

9:24 While they were mostly natural philosophers,

9:27 some of these ancient Greek thinkers had

9:29 interesting ideas about how to live one’s life.

9:33 Take, for example, the first Western philosopher: Thales of Miletus.

9:38 Aside from his theories about the universe and his belief

9:41 that water was the fundamental substance of everything,

9:44 he also took a stance on marriage and children: he didn’t want any of it.

9:50 An ancient source, the historian and philosopher Plutarch,

9:53 tells how Thales justified his stance by pulling

9:56 off a rather unkind trick on Solon, one of the seven sages of Greece.

10:02 According to Plutarch, Solon had expressed astonishment toward

10:06 Thales’ indifference to marriage and children.

10:09 Thales, in turn, after visiting Athens,

10:12 told Solon he had attended the funeral of no other than his very own son,

10:18 which led to Solon collapsing in grief.

10:21 But then Thales admitted he had fabricated the whole story,

10:25 just to prove a point:

10:27 the immense grief that befell Solon after he heard his son

10:31 died was the reason he wanted neither marriage nor kids.

10:35 Thales was aware of the deep attachments we

10:38 cultivate in our relationships with spouses and kids,

10:42 which inevitably lead to the pain of loss.

10:45 And so, he preferred to remain unattached

10:48 so that he wouldn’t endure that suffering.

10:51 Eventually, he did adopt his sister’s son,

10:54 so he didn’t stay fully childless or ‘childfree’ as people call it nowadays.

10:59 Thales wasn’t the only Presocratic

11:02 philosopher who wasn’t interested in procreation.

11:05 Democritus, the guy who invented the concept of atoms, also didn’t want kids.

11:10 Aside from being a natural philosopher,

11:12 he also had some curious things to say about ethical topics,

11:17 some of which were pretty controversial,

11:19 like this: It is better not to have any children:

11:23 to bring them up well takes great trouble and care,

11:26 and seeing them grow up badly is the cruellest of all pains.

11:31 End quote.

11:32 Democritus was concerned about how raising children affects one’s inner peace,

11:38 which isn’t an entirely strange argument:

11:41 decent parenting takes a lot of effort and sacrifice.

11:45 Especially in the beginning,

11:46 people’s lives basically revolve around their children.

11:49 And if you’re someone unwilling or unable to make such sacrifices in time,

11:55 energy, and tranquility, it might be better to reconsider.

12:00 For a philosopher, choosing not to have kids makes sense,

12:04 as their lives are often unconventional to begin

12:07 with, and their ideas usually require tons of quiet observation,

12:11 study, and reflection; activities that become more difficult to engage

12:15 in when kids are running around at home, needing your attention.

12:19 Democritus does have some advice for people who still want kids;

12:24 advice that might be even more controversial than the previous one:

12:29 If you must have children,

12:30 adopt them from your friends rather than beget them yourselves.

12:34 That way, you can choose the kind of child you want,

12:37 whereas in the normal way you have to put up with what you get.

12:42 End quote.

12:43 This piece of advice cuts through

12:46 the taboo around feeling unhappy with your kids.

12:49 In reality, some parents do harbour regret about

12:53 having kids or disappointment with their children’s inborn characteristics.

12:57 Sure, it’s very harsh advice: probably not something people like to hear.

13:04 Let’s move on to another, more well-known philosopher,

13:07 who had something to say about a topic

13:10 which most people are concerned with: sex.

13:15 Epicurus was an ancient Greek hedonistic philosopher.

13:18 When we think of hedonism, we think of indulging the senses through pleasure.

13:24 Sex, being widely considered the pleasure of all pleasures,

13:27 must surely be the bread and butter of any serious hedonist, isn’t it?

13:33 Well, not as far as Epicurus was concerned.

13:36 For a hedonist, Epicurus was strikingly ascetic,

13:40 which sounds paradoxical, but it makes much sense,

13:43 considering his hedonism wasn’t about mindlessly indulging in any pleasure,

13:48 but about choosing pleasures wisely.

13:51 Pleasure, thus, remained at the core of his philosophy,

13:54 making it no less hedonistic than the conventional meaning of the word today.

14:00 For those unfamiliar with Epicurus,

14:02 I’ll briefly explain which pleasures he advised

14:05 us to pursue and which he didn’t.

14:08 Simply put, Epicurus advised us to pursue simple pleasures that are

14:13 widely available and don’t cause too much trouble to obtain,

14:16 such as simple food and the company of friends.

14:20 It’s about reaching a state of contentment with the least disturbance,

14:24 which is in line with what Schopenhauer had to say.

14:28 Epicurus advised against unnatural,

14:30 unnecessary desires such as fame or extreme wealth.

14:34 (If you want a more detailed explanation of his hierarchy of pleasure,

14:39 I’ve created several videos on Epicurus,

14:41 which you’ll find in my playlist on hedonism.) Now, where does sex come in?

14:48 Why exclude sex from preferable forms of pleasure?

14:51 In today’s Western society, we place great importance on our sex lives.

14:56 We hear people say sex is vital in relationships.

15:00 Some believe it’s a basic human need.

15:02 We also see that Western societies are highly sexualized;

15:07 we see sexuality expressed everywhere, mainly visually.

15:11 We see commercials and music videos with women wearing revealing clothing.

15:16 Many movies and video games have sexualized characters.

15:20 The obsession with sex also leads to pressure;

15:25 if you’re married but not “doing it,” there’s definitely something wrong.

15:29 And if you’re single and not doing it, or have never done it,

15:33 you also have a problem; you’re missing out,

15:35 and there might be something wrong with you.

15:38 But, contrary to today’s conventional views of sex,

15:41 Epicurus didn’t think highly of it.

15:44 He saw it as unnecessary for a happy life.

15:48 Moreover, he believed that the pursuit of sex comes with risks, saying:

15:54 You tell me that the stimulus of the flesh

15:57 makes you too prone to the pleasures of love.

16:00 Provided that you do not break the laws or good customs and do not

16:04 distress any of your neighbours or do

16:06 harm to your body or squander your pittance,

16:09 you may indulge your inclination as you please.

16:12 Yet it is impossible not to come up against one or other of these barriers:

16:18 for the pleasures of love never profited a man

16:21 and he is lucky if they do him no harm.

16:25 End quote.

16:26 So, we could ask ourselves when pursuing sex

16:30 in real life or in sexually explicit material:

16:34 Is the juice really worth the squeeze?

16:37 What about STDs?

16:38 What about the risk of violence, crossing someone’s boundaries,

16:42 breaking the law, or even false accusations of some sort?

16:46 What about sexual addictions?

16:47 What about the exploitation of women or minors?

16:50 What about human trafficking?

16:52 As far as Epicurus is concerned,

16:54 we stick to pleasures that are easily attainable,

16:59 widely available, and come with few risks.

17:04 What characterizes most of what these philosophers

17:07 said is that it breaks with convention.

17:10 As they lived out their philosophies,

17:12 they turned their backs on society in one way or another.

17:16 They refused to do what many generations before them did, as Peterson put it,

17:21 and found different roads to inner peace,

17:24 happiness, or, at least, less suffering.

17:28 Some would consider people who refuse to have kids,

17:31 or have a relationship, or overstretch themselves for ambition, cowards.

17:36 After all, they refrain from engaging

17:39 with specific life challenges that, for many,

17:42 are essential for a sense of fulfillment.

17:46 So, are they just “chickening out”?

17:49 Are they avoiding responsibility?

17:51 Or do they just not find happiness in these pursuits at all,

17:57 and instead pursue what genuinely fulfills them?

18:00 Again, the question I started with comes to mind: Is happiness personal?

18:06 I guess it isn’t a shoe that fits all.

18:11 Personally, I can partly identify with what these philosophers said,

18:15 although there are certainly things I don’t subscribe to.

18:19 I’m not too quick to dismiss the conventional,

18:22 as there’s probably at least some good in what the masses do.

18:26 But I certainly won’t discard unconventional ways of living,

18:30 just because the masses don’t follow them.

18:32 Some people just require a different course to flourish.

18:40 Thank you for watching.