Trump Pardons PGA Golf Caddy for 30-Year-Old Drug Conviction

0:01 -Good evening everybody, I'm Seth Meyers.

0:02 This is "Late Night." We hope you're doing well.

0:04 And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.

0:05 President Trump spoke at a ribbon cutting ceremony yesterday at the White House.

0:10 Or at least he tried to.

0:13 No audio] Yeah, apparently he forgot the press

0:21 pool is also who brings the microphones.

0:24 Laughter] If you're going to ban news organizations from the White House,

0:28 you really need to learn how to project.

0:31 Seriously though, I think we may have accidentally

0:33 cracked the code on how to cover Trump.

0:35 We don't need to hear what he's saying.

0:36 He's either bragging or lying.

0:38 Let's just lose the sound.

0:39 Basically, use the media as a baby monitor.

0:43 Laughter] We can see where he is and whether

0:46 he's awake without hearing all the crying, you know?

0:48 Then if something goes down, we'll pause the movie and go check on him.

0:52 President Trump pushed back yesterday against critics

0:55 warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence,

0:58 and added that the Justice Department will rein in AI,

1:01 quote, "If we have to." Oh, I think we have to.

1:05 We shouldn't be building data centers.

1:08 We should be building assisted living facilities.

1:13 President Trump was set this morning

1:14 to address the United Nations General Assembly.

1:16 Not sure what he's going to say, but I'm guessing, "You're now America.

1:20 You're now America.

1:22 You're now America." During a visit earlier this month to Ireland,

1:26 President Trump broke with decades of U.S.

1:29 precedent and endorsed Irish unification.

1:31 Okay, but when isn't he breaking with decades of U.S.

1:36 precedent?

1:36 It's not like the other presidents also sold cologne.

1:40 Laughter] which is a shame, 'cause you know Obama's would have smelled

1:43 like sandalwood and gotten all of us laid.

1:46 Laughter] President Trump recently pardoned a PGA golf

1:50 caddy for a 30 year old drug conviction.

1:53 I mean, that makes sense.

1:54 He's a caddy.

1:55 He was probably holding it for someone else.

1:57 Laughter][ Laughter] In honor of their upcoming FearFest,

2:03 AMC has unveiled an updated version of the Crypt Keeper, as did Kentucky.

2:10 Laughter] They've updated.

2:14 Applause] It's exciting when they update stuff.

2:17 While speaking over the weekend at the annual Nebraska Steak Fry,

2:21 Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said, quote,

2:23 "I love Nebraska better than sex." Oh, come on man.

2:27 Don't make us picture Nebraska.

2:30 Laughter] And finally, more than 1,000 people recently gathered at a science

2:35 museum in England to break the Guinness World Record

2:37 for Most People Simultaneously Performing the Vulcan Salute—

2:41 and the record for Largest Event with No Plus Ones.

2:45 Laughter] -That was the monologue, everybody.

2:48 Cheers and applause] -We have begun.

2:51 We have a great show for you tonight.

2:53 You know him from "Your Friends and Neighbors," "Mad

2:55 Men," "The Morning Show," films like "Bridesmaids" and "Top Gun:

2:59 Maverick." Currently,

2:59 he's starring in "American Hostage," streaming now on MGM+.

3:02 Our friend Jon Hamm is here.

3:06 Cheers and applause] You've seen her in "The White

3:08 Lotus," movies like "G20" and "Gail

3:10 Daughtery," she's starring in "The Paper," whose

3:13 second season is streaming now on Peacock.

3:15 Sabrina Impacciatore will also be joining us.

3:18 Cheers and applause] She's a fantastic comedian who

3:21 hosted the terrific show "After Midnight." Her new book,

3:24 "Actually, Nevermind" is on sale today.

3:27 Taylor Tomlinson will also be stopping by.

3:30 "Family Trips" this week with the very funny Lauren Lapkus.

3:34 Give that a listen.

3:35 And you guys, moving on.

3:37 Here at "Late Night," every night I deliver a monologue.

3:40 It's made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.

3:44 As a result, a lot of jokes come across

3:46 my desk that, due to my being a straight white male,

3:49 would be difficult for me to deliver.

3:50 We don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,

3:53 so we'd like to share them with you now.

3:55 In a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."[ Cheers and applause]

4:03 So these are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny.

4:06 -I'm Black.

4:07 -And I'm gay.

4:08 -And we're both women.

4:09 -And I'm none of that.

4:11 So here's how this works.

4:12 I'm going to read the setups to these jokes,

4:15 and then Amber and Jenny will take over and read the punchlines.

4:18 So here we go.

4:20 A theater in Brooklyn recently mounted a play called "The Gay

4:24 Divorce." -It's about two women fighting for custody of a cat.

4:28 Laughter] -Yeah, see, it would be bad.

4:31 If I told that, it'd be back.

4:32 An article encouraging Black women to try

4:34 tennis was published recently in BlackDoctor magazine.

4:38 -Said Black women, "Black Doctor?"[ Laughter] -Amber,

4:43 what's your favorite contribution made by a Black doctor?

4:47 -"The Chronic."[ Laughter] -What about open heart surgery?

4:54 -I never got high to open heart surgery.

4:57 Laughter] -Céline Dion appeared on stage for the first time in six years,

5:01 wearing a black gown and a long, priceless necklace.

5:04 -A long, priceless necklace, or, as lesbians call it, a lanyard.

5:08 Laughter] -Now, now, now, Jenny, do you wear a lanyard?

5:12 -No, I have an even fancier necklace.

5:15 -Oh!

5:17 Laughter] -A 17 foot tall statue

5:20 of a Black woman was recently erected in London.

5:23 -So if you're a Black woman in London,

5:25 get ready to hear— "You know who you look like?"[ Laughter] -Amber,

5:31 who do people tell you you look like?

5:33 -Oh, Clarence Thomas...

5:35 Laughter] -Rudy Huxtable, Sojourner Truth, Steve Urkel...

5:40 George Washington Carver.

5:43 And that's just from Seth.

5:45 Laughter] -Yeah, but I mean, you see it, right?

5:50 Laughter] A man in Spain recently paid $960

5:57 for a pair of Diane Keaton's nail clippers.

6:01 -"Let me borrow those," said a lesbian going on a date.

6:04 Laughter] -I don't get it.

6:06 -Oh.

6:08 -Oh!

6:08 Oh, yeah.

6:09 No, I— I want to stop learning now.

6:12 Laughter] A new program is training

6:14 Black barbers to provide mental health services.

6:17 -Because it was easier than training therapists to do Black hair.

6:21 Laughter] -Amber, what's the hardest thing about having Black hair?

6:24 -Like, slapping white people's hands away.

6:27 Laughter] I'm really good at it.

6:29 -I just— I just feel like I'd understand it.

6:31 -No!

6:32 No!

6:34 -A player for the Brooklyn Nets said

6:36 in a recent interview that he's so straight,

6:38 he'd be a lesbian if he was a woman.

6:40 -And if he was a lesbian, he'd be on a better team than the Brooklyn Nets.

6:44 Laughter][ Laughter and applause] -According— Nets burn!

6:49 Cheers and applause] According to a new survey,

6:54 nearly half of adults said that the food

6:56 is what brings people together at a summer cookout.

6:59 -And what sends them home is a white lady with an iPhone.

7:03 Laughter] -Does that really happen?

7:05 -There's a white lady who been filming me this whole segment.

7:08 Laughter] -What?!

7:10 How long has she been there?

7:13 -Uh, two minutes and 38 seconds.

7:14 -Oh, there you go.

7:15 So it does come in handy.

7:17 An artist recently created a lesbian simulator

7:19 that allows players to navigate lesbian experiences, like friendship and dating.

7:24 -And asking a handsome male stranger for his sperm.

7:27 Laughter] -According to a recent study,

7:30 AI algorithms are biased against speakers of African American English.

7:34 -"Oh my God, so are we," said employers.

7:38 Brief, uncomfortable laughter] -Hey, Seth— -Oh, no.

7:43 -Now that we're all in a good mood, why don't you tell one?

7:47 -After you guys have iced the crowd?

7:48 I don't think so.

7:49 -Ah, come on, just one.

7:51 -I don't feel like it'll end well.

7:52 -They love you.

7:53 -Aw, do it, Seth.

7:53 -Alright, you know what?

7:54 They do love me.

7:55 -Yeah.

7:56 -Why am I being so hard on myself?

7:57 -You're America's sweetheart.

7:58 -A group of students at Virginia Commonwealth University organized

8:01 a lesbian field day featuring activities like potato sack races.

8:05 And this is cool— they let them race in the potato sacks they showed up in.

8:09 Laughter] -Seth!

8:11 -How could you?

8:12 -Oh, it makes sense based on every joke you guys ever told.

8:16 I learned it from you.

8:19 -Ah!

8:19 You want me to try again?

8:21 -Yeah.

8:21 -Why don't you see if you can...

8:22 -You can probably do it.

8:23 -Do a Black one and win 'em back?

8:24 -Yeah.

8:25 -Yeah.

8:25 -That's the surefire way to win 'em back.

8:27 -Went a little bad on the lesbian one.

8:28 Get 'em back with the Black one?

8:30 -You got it.

8:30 -That feels safer.

8:31 -Yeah, thanks, guys.

8:33 You guys are the winds beneath my wings.

8:36 Laughter] Galveston,

8:40 Texas recently created an African American cultural district.

8:43 It's just an intersection with a Popeye's and a Lids.

8:46 Laughter and gasps] -Seth, how dare you?

8:51 -You should be ashamed of yourself.

8:53 -You told me it would be okay!

8:55 -You're sick, Seth!

8:55 -That was— I can't believe you said that in public.

8:57 -How could he?

8:58 -Black women and lesbians are liars.

9:03 Cheers and applause] We'll be right back with Jon Hamm, everybody.