First Debate Cold Open - SNL

0:14 Laughter][ Stately music plays][ Cheers and applause] -Good evening.

0:24 I'm your moderator— Chris Wallace.

0:27 Cheers and applause] And I think I'm going to do a really,

0:33 really good job tonight.

0:35 First, I want to lay out the rules, which both parties agreed to in advance.

0:40 Each candidate will have 2 minutes, uninterrupted...

0:43 -Boring.

0:45 -But, M-Mr.

0:46 President, I haven't even introduced the candidates yet.

0:49 -Tell that to my Adderall, Chris.

0:51 Now, let's get this show on the road and off the rails.

0:54 -And you did take the COVID test you promised to take in advance, correct?

0:58 -Absolutely, scout's honor.

1:01 -Well, President Trump has already introduced himself,

1:05 so let's now welcome the Democratic candidate...

1:07 -Boo.

1:08 Here comes the booing.

1:09 -...former vice president of the United States...

1:12 -Allegedly.

1:12 -...and senator from Delaware...

1:15 -Not even a real state.

1:17 -...Joe Biden.

1:19 Cheers and applause] Mr.

1:35 Vice President— -Just one second, Chris.

1:46 Okay.

1:48 -It looks like— It looks like you're ready to debate, Joe.

1:53 -Absolutely not.

1:55 I've got the beginning of 46 thoughts.

1:59 Now, let's do this.

2:01 I'm holding my bladder.

2:03 Let's get at 'er.

2:04 -Tonight we'll be discussing six major topics,

2:07 none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow.

2:11 We begin with the Supreme Court.

2:13 President Trump, 2 minutes.

2:15 -I'm gonna do 10.

2:17 I'd like to begin with a list of complaints.

2:20 People are mean to me.

2:21 Joe here is very mean.

2:23 Chris Wallace is mean.

2:25 The economy is mean to keep losing jobs, which is mean to me.

2:29 The China virus has been very mean to me by being a hoax.

2:34 And that statement will not come back to haunt me later this week.

2:37 -And— And what about the question I asked you about the Supreme Court?

2:43 -I think I answered that already.

2:45 We're very excited about our nominee— Amy Cristina Barcelona.

2:50 And it was so nice, so nice to welcome

2:53 her the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

2:58 -Mr.

2:58 Vice President, same question.

3:00 You have 2 minutes.

3:01 -Thank you, Chris.

3:03 Now, look, here's the deal.

3:05 -No, it's not.

3:07 -Excuse me, please.

3:08 -No, whatever you're gonna say, no.

3:12 -Mr.

3:12 President, please let him speak.

3:14 -He let you speak.

3:15 Now let him speak.

3:16 -But he's lying.

3:17 I can't point out if he says a lie?

3:19 -I-I said two words, you son of a— No, don't do it, Joe.

3:28 It's exactly what he wants.

3:30 Don't let your inner Whitey Bulger come out.

3:35 Just flash them all that smile they taught you in anger management.

3:42 -Now, Mr.

3:43 Vice President, and only Mr.

3:45 Vice President, would you consider adding

3:49 additional justices to the Supreme Court?

3:51 -He won't even answer.

3:52 -I just asked the question!

3:54 -You won't even answer it, just like he won't answer.

3:56 What about his son Hunter and Burisma and the mayor of Moscow?

4:01 And Obama was spying on me, and he e-mailed Benghazi.

4:05 -Mr.

4:06 Mr.

4:07 President, no one understands what you're saying.

4:09 You're just listing terms you heard on Fox News.

4:12 And it sounds like you're saying the names of characters

4:14 from season four of a show that no one has watched.

4:16 -Sheriff of Portland.

4:19 -Mr.

4:20 Vice President, please answer.

4:24 -Now, look, here's the deal.

4:26 -Can I respond to that, Chris?

4:28 -will you just shut up?

4:34 Sorry.

4:36 I'm sorry, I misspoke.

4:38 What I meant to say was,

4:41 I'd appreciate it very much if you could just allow me to finish my responses,

4:45 as opposed to sabotaging every waking moment with the toxic

4:49 geyser or verbal diarrhea that you cracked out,

4:52 turd-hurling sack of rancid dog snot.

5:02 Losing control.

5:05 Back to you, Chris, -You still have 2 minutes, Joe.

5:10 -Oh, really?

5:18 Where was I?

5:20 -You said, "Look, here's the deal." -Oh, right.

5:23 Clears throat] Look, here's the deal.

5:28 Nope, lost it.

5:30 Come back to me.

5:32 -Chris, can I say one thing?

5:34 Am I allowed to say one thing?

5:36 -Yes, Mr.

5:37 President.

5:38 -What we need in this country is law and order.

5:41 When someone breaks the rules,

5:43 they need to face the consequences, no exceptions.

5:46 -Okay, what about your taxes?

5:48 -There have to be exceptions, Chris.

5:51 The terms "law and order," they're very vague terms,

5:54 and rules are meant to be broken.

5:55 It's the same with masks.

5:57 I've got mine right here in my pocket.

5:59 Okay?

6:00 My mask.

6:01 Alright?

6:03 It's like a seatbelt, though.

6:05 You just wear it when you're backing out of the driveway,

6:08 then you take it off, okay?

6:09 But Joe wears the biggest mask I've ever seen.

6:13 And he's standing like 200 feet away from everybody.

6:15 Oh-oh.

6:17 -Look, man, I'm a nice guy, but if you give me any more guff tonight,

6:22 I'll rip your face off like a mad chimp.

6:26 I'll knock that thing off your head and burn it,

6:29 bury it in the pet cemetery where it came from.

6:32 Stop it, Joe!

6:34 Stop it!

6:37 God, you can't lose your cool just

6:39 'cause this joker's raising a little monkey dust.

6:41 The country's counting on ya to just stand here and look lucid.

6:58 I know it.

7:00 I know what'll calm me down.

7:02 My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

7:06 -We dip our toes in cold, wet sand...

7:10 -Nice -...and sit and face the sea.

7:13 -Cleansing.

7:15 -We let the waves wash over us...

7:17 -Ah.

7:18 -...alone, just you and me.

7:21 -Hey.

7:22 Clears throat] And I better listen to, uh, my meditation tape, as well.

7:29 -Ladies and gentlemen!

7:32 Leaders and voters!

7:34 For freedom and liberty and the American team!

7:38 The best is yet to come!

7:41 Aaaah!

7:45 -Alright, can we please have a civilized dialog?

7:48 Debates are a time-honored tradition and the bedrock of American democracy.

7:53 -You're gay.

7:55 -Mr.

7:55 President, if you keep interrupting this debate,

7:57 I'll do absolutely nothing about it.

7:59 -Okay, okay, I'll be quiet.

8:02 Sighs] I don't want to be dictated to, and I'm

8:06 not gonna be distracted anymore by this clown tonight.

8:09 Okay?

8:11 But I'm definitely gonna concentrate.

8:15 I'm gonna try to keep my cool.

8:17 What— What is that?

8:18 Where is that coming from?

8:19 Get down!

8:25 -Mr.

8:26 President, please, stop using a laser pointer.

8:28 -It's not, it's not.

8:29 This is a wand the cures the COVID, okay?

8:33 -Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

8:38 Scoffs] The both of you, this stops right now.

8:47 Alright?

8:47 You look at me, Donald.

8:50 You do not treat my Joe like that, alright?

8:54 He's a nice boy.

8:56 -Kamala, I got this.

8:58 -Unh-unh, Joe.

8:59 Let Mamala go to work.

9:02 Now, Donald...

9:04 I want you to apologize to Joe.

9:07 -He started it.

9:09 -Hey!

9:09 Hey!

9:10 I don't care who started it.

9:12 Alright?

9:12 I don't even care who sharted it.

9:14 Now, you apologize to Joe now.

9:18 -Sorry.

9:18 -I'm sorry, what's that?

9:19 -I said "sorry." Okay, are you happy now?

9:23 -I think if there's one thing we learned tonight,

9:26 it's that America needs a WAP— woman as president.

9:41 But for now, I'll settle for HVPIC— hot vice president in charge.

9:48 So, why don't the two of you finish this debate,

9:50 or whatever the hell this is, with some dignity.

9:53 And when you're done,

9:53 I've got you boys some PB&J and apple slices waiting for you backstage.

9:57 -Yummy!

9:58 -Thank you, Senator Harris.

10:00 -Oh, I am not done with you, Christopher Wallace.

10:03 You will see me in my office after the debate.

10:07 Now, where the hell is my martini?

10:09 -Oh, uh...

10:13 Finally, just to ensure that this is the worst presidential debate in history,

10:19 I'd like to close with white supremacy.

10:21 -Oh, baby, come to papa.

10:24 -Mr President, I'll ask you directly, do you condemn white supremacists?

10:30 -Condemn them?

10:30 I don't know any.

10:32 I mean, who are you even talking about?

10:34 The Proud Boys, the White Boot, the Eugenics Eagles?

10:38 I don't even know any of these groups.

10:40 I certainly wouldn't even know how to signal them if I tried.

10:46 -America, are you listening to this.

10:49 The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

10:55 -I don't think this thing is working.

10:57 I don't hear anything.

10:58 -Mr.

10:59 Vice President, your closing statement?

11:01 Sighs] Well— -That is so unfair.

11:04 Why don't I get to make a closing statement first?

11:06 After all, I am the pres— -Sorry, but I think we all needed a break.

11:26 Isn't that satisfying [Sighs] just not to hear

11:31 his voice for a single goddamn second?

11:39 Let's wallow in it.

11:41 Let's bask in the Trumplessness.

11:44 Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

11:51 -Is it gonna be weird?

11:54 -Totally.

11:54 Totally weird.

11:57 America...

11:57 Soft music plays] ...look at me.

12:01 Look directly into my eyeballs.

12:05 You can trust me because I believe in science and karma.

12:13 Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up...

12:24 ...to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be.

12:37 I'm not saying I want it to happen.

12:41 But just imagine if it did.

12:49 Mmm.

12:51 Mmm.

12:54 Hmm.

12:58 So, this November, please get on the Biden train,

13:02 which is literally a commuter train to Delaware,

13:06 and we can all make America not actively on fire again.

13:12 Okay...

13:15 now I'll unpause him.

13:17 -...antifa.

13:17 -Nope, can't do it.

13:20 Gonna leave him on pause.

13:23 Oh, and one more thing.

13:25 -Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!