Tanning Makes Me Feel Like Shakira | Sophie Buddle | Comedy In Color | LOL! Stand-Up

0:00 Okay.

0:00 Who here, by round of applause, has ever been cheated on?

0:08 Okay.

0:08 Just feel like asking that gets everyone in like

0:10 a really good place for comedy, you know?

0:12 I got cheated on.

0:14 I don't think that you should be sad if you get cheated on ever.

0:17 Uh if you're a girl,

0:19 you can be sad if you're a boy, obviously, because it sucks.

0:21 And I'm sorry.

0:22 Um but I had a guy break up with me because I'm too pretty.

0:27 He didn't say, but I knew.

0:29 Um [applause] He said he was breaking

0:32 up with me because I'm always emasculating him,

0:34 which is such a little[ __][ __] reason.

0:38 [laughter] Do you mind if I do a dirty joke like a sexual?

0:42 Okay, there's this guy that I blow.

0:43 I don't know like what to call that.

0:47 His name is Alex.

0:49 I blow him sometimes.

0:52 Sometimes I blow Alex.

0:54 Uh, do you guys get what I do with Alex?

0:59 Yeah, I blow him sometimes.

1:02 And um he really likes to ejaculate into my mouth, which he really likes.

1:09 I'm kind of kumi kuma.

1:12 So I was asking why that has to happen.

1:14 Like how come?

1:14 Why in the mouth, you know?

1:16 And how come?

1:17 He was like, it's just cleaner.

1:20 Like it's less messy.

1:22 Yeah.

1:22 I'm like, have you seen your apartment?

1:25 This is where you draw the line for [applause] [cheering] cleanliness.

1:29 [laughter] [applause] He also likes it if

1:32 you like choke on it when you're whatever.

1:36 And that's um that's physically uncomfortable.

1:38 Sure.

1:39 So I was asking why that has to happen, why that's part of it at all.

1:44 And he was like, it just makes me feel like it's like really big.

1:48 And I was like, you realize I'll choke if I have like a hair in my mouth, right?

1:56 When there's a box that says like caution choking hazard,

1:59 it's not cuz the pieces in the box are too big.

2:06 Oh yeah.

2:07 [laughter] [applause] You know what people choke on?

2:14 Grapes every day.

2:17 Never zucchinis.

2:19 I would like to be uh better looking.

2:21 I know you guys are like how which thank you uh please.

2:25 But I would like to be better looking, but I don't want to exercise at all.

2:30 So, I've just been going tanning.

2:32 It's working.

2:33 I feel beautiful.

2:33 I feel like Shakira.

2:35 [laughter] Ask me where I'm from.

2:40 Where you from?

2:43 Colia.

2:44 I've been going tanning.

2:45 And what I noticed my friends do at the tanning booth is they'll go

2:48 in with a bikini on to get tan lines to make it look natural,

2:51 like they got their tan at the beach.

2:53 And I want to look like my tan is from the beach, too.

2:57 So, I go in with a t-shirt and board shorts.

3:00 Tasteful shawl.

3:01 You guys like your bodies?

3:03 That's cool.

3:04 [laughter] As a girl, you can kind of say I like my body,

3:08 but you can't say I love my body because that annoys everybody.

3:10 And that's what fat girls say.

3:11 Like, that's how you know if you're fat.

3:12 If you're like, I love my body, like tone it down a notch, you know?

3:15 [laughter] I'm sure you're really good at roller derby,

3:18 but like but I like my body.

3:20 I just don't love my body.

3:22 My thing is like I don't have like a fashion body per se.

3:27 Um but I do have like a Renaissance body.

3:33 Yeah.

3:33 Which is pretty okay.

3:36 It's medium.

3:36 Uh [laughter] you know what I mean?

3:39 Like those old oil paintings of like duchesses and they're just kind of plump

3:45 and eating grapes and naked or they're like in a big clamshell thing.

3:51 with little naked babies playing around or pouring something, pouring a liquid.

3:59 That's what my body is like.

4:01 And I think I'd be really confident if

4:03 it was just paintings of me because it's photos

4:05 that do me in because I'll be feeling really

4:07 good and then I'll see a photo of myself.

4:10 I'm like, "Oh, I have diabetes for sure." You know,

4:13 but in paintings it's just so easy to draw stuff long and smooth.

4:17 Like it's really hard to draw imperfections.

4:19 It's hard to draw cellulite and stretch marks and wrinkles and stuff like that.

4:23 And I wonder if those women in those paintings were self-conscious.

4:26 Like I wonder if the king was like, "Okay, it's time for your portrait.

4:28 Let's get the best painter in the land." And then she'd be like,

4:33 "Yeah, but not like the best one." Maybe one that's like good at faces.

4:39 Thank you guys so much.

4:42 You've been awesome.

4:44 [screaming] [music]