I Tried Every Pop Tart

0:00 Pop Tart.

0:00 It's not just the nickname you have for your[ __] dad.

0:03 It's also the name of the breakfast pastry

0:05 that you're probably more familiar with than that one.

0:07 And did you know that they make a whole lot of them now?

0:11 I always thought it was just brown sugar,

0:13 strawberry, and[ __] You don't like it?

0:14 Go get toaster.

0:15 Wait, wait, wait.

0:16 Come back.

0:16 We know they're better.

0:17 We'll be better.

0:18 We'll make more flavors.

0:20 That's the story of Kellogg, famously anti-masturbation company.

0:23 I can't think of many more expectation

0:26 versus reality disappointing products because usually you end

0:30 up with like a partially frosted guy and like a like a paintedon filling inside.

0:36 So, I'm going to see if that specific memory I have is

0:39 true and I'm going to see what all these different flavors about.

0:41 Is there any difference between frosted

0:43 brown sugar cinnamon and frosted cinnamon roll?

0:46 Is there any difference between frosted cherry and samores?

0:50 We'll find out right after this.

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1:34 Wo!

1:34 The original Pop-Tarts were available in blueberry,

1:38 strawberry, apple, currant, and brown sugar cinnamon.

1:41 And they were unfrosted.

1:43 And fittingly, this old ad says, "Oops, we goofed.

1:46 Will you excuse us, please?

1:47 We ran out of Pop-Tarts.

1:49 The new breakfast treat.

1:50 You fooled us.

1:51 We had no idea our Pop-Tarts would become so popular so soon.

1:55 If your store is temporarily out of Pop-Tarts, please forgive us.

1:58 They'll have some more shortly.

1:59 I can see the episode of Mad Men where they were just pitching this just like,

2:03 "Well, here's what we're going to say.

2:04 We're say these are so popular that that everybody ran out." It's not true,

2:07 obviously, but we're going to make millions.

2:09 Original Pop-Tarts.

2:09 Drop them into the toaster or just eat them as they are.

2:13 Wonderful breakfast treat.

2:13 Grand for lunch and snacks, too.

2:15 Oh, that begs an interesting question.

2:17 Am I eating these raw?

2:19 Am I eating Pop-Tart sushi or am I cooking them?

2:22 Let's find out if these tarts pop or if they're just going

2:26 to pop some tarts just to see what all the hubbubs about.

2:28 Is it worth toasting?

2:29 I've never known anybody to actually toast these.

2:32 I do remember my very favorite Brian Regan bit.

2:36 You know, Brian Rean standup legend where he was like,

2:40 there's instructions on how to toast Pop-Tarts on the on the box.

2:44 instructions that say step one, toast the Pop-Tarts.

2:46 Go ahead, toast them.

2:48 It's okay.

2:49 Hey, you still reading this?

2:51 Perfect impression.

2:52 But yeah, there is instructions here.

2:54 Step one, toast on lowest setting.

2:56 Step two, let cool before eating.

2:58 The old instructions apparently used to say, step one,

3:01 unwrap the Pop-Tarts, which I think he might have single-handedly changed that.

3:05 I think he affected change at a at a at a high level.

3:09 Waiting for your mouth to cool is better than waiting for pop.

3:12 Burn your mouth.

3:13 Don't wait.

3:14 It's right above the instructions.

3:15 It's saying to burn your mouth on the same panel.

3:19 That's only instructions.

3:20 Look at thising nonsense.

3:21 That is frosted edge to edge.

3:24 It doesn't say like product enlarged to show deliciousness or whatever.

3:28 It's just a fake representation of the Pop-Tart on the Why is this allowed?

3:33 Why is this legal?

3:34 And also like look at the difference between this one and that one.

3:38 That's That's close to reality.

3:39 Even that's being generous.

3:40 Like they they frosted all the way to the end all over the place to start.

3:45 Oh, it smells so good.

3:46 I'm going to go two cuz these ones in particular,

3:48 cuz they're pure sugar, get crazy hot when they're toasted.

3:52 I remember really burning my mouth on these.

3:54 All right, we have a hot I need I need both.

3:59 Need a control group.

4:01 Look, that's how much frosting's in there or filling, whatever you call it.

4:04 And I need to bite from the center.

4:06 I need to give these guys a fair shake.

4:11 Oh.

4:11 Okay.

4:12 All right.

4:13 That feels good.

4:14 It's so much better.

4:15 It's crazy how much better it is.

4:18 This is delicious.

4:19 It's brown sugar, cinnamon, true to its name.

4:21 Warm, it's way better.

4:22 It's just brown sugar and cinnamon.

4:24 That's all it tastes like.

4:25 I think we're looking at like maybe 50%.

4:28 There's one way to find out.

4:30 I'm only going to go in this deep on one.

4:31 I promise.

4:32 I want to find out what percentage of Pop-Tarts

4:34 are edible because the borders are[ __] of filling.

4:39 Yep.

4:39 See, not quite.

4:40 That's how deep I I'm I'm going and that's how little filling I'm getting.

4:45 We're getting into edible territory, though.

4:46 So, I I I'll call that I'll I'll say, "Okay,

4:49 that's that's where it begins." If you haven't

4:52 ever called your congressman before, now's the time.

4:55 Cuz this is egregious.

4:56 That's how much of a Pop-Tart we're

4:58 looking at that is even borderline enjoyable.

5:01 We got all the science out of the way.

5:03 Well, no, not yet.

5:04 Of course, that's why this is here.

5:06 Okay, we're looking at 28 grams of good stuff versus this is

5:10 a lot lighter because it doesn't have the sugar in it.

5:13 But 20 g.

5:14 We're looking at 58% of a Pop-Tart is enjoyable.

5:17 The rest is work.

5:18 That sucks.

5:19 I was going to guess 60% and I should

5:22 have said something cuz God would I look cool now.

5:25 I was going to say 60.

5:27 Brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts.

5:29 What score do I give you?

5:31 I'm gonna give it a six.

5:32 No, no, I like these.

5:33 I'm gonna give it a seven.

5:35 I'm gonna give it a seven.

5:36 And I think that actually makes more sense because six

5:38 would be if it was 50/50, but it is 60% good.

5:41 So, math, I'm going to give it a seven.

5:45 Brown sugar cinnamon gets a seven.

5:47 Next up, another original flavor is frosted blueberry.

5:51 And they have sprinkles on them.

5:54 Look at how beautiful and well frosted and sprinkled that is.

5:57 I bet the pastry is going to look exactly the same.

6:00 But there's only one way to find out,

6:02 and that's to take it out and give it a That's not bad, actually.

6:04 Pretty good sprinkle coverage.

6:05 The frosting still pretty abhorent.

6:07 I think this is an accident.

6:09 They frost the brown sugar more poorly.

6:10 All of them look like this.

6:12 These ones go edge to edge.

6:13 Well, sort of in some cases.

6:16 Oh, they smell delightful.

6:18 They smell like actual blueberry sugar paste.

6:20 Pow.

6:21 All right.

6:21 Don't mind the extra pops.

6:23 Don't worry about it.

6:24 We have better frosting coverage and decent sprinklage.

6:26 Like, I'm not mad at that amount of sprinkles.

6:29 It kind of looks like the box a little bit,

6:31 but the frosting still kind of sucks.

6:33 Let's crack it open.

6:34 Oh god, I do love it when they're warm.

6:36 I don't know why I always did the brown sugar cinn was better.

6:40 Why did I always do the brown sugar cinnamon?

6:43 Not only do you get a nonzero crunch from these sprinkles,

6:46 but the filling is so strongly flavored that when

6:48 you eat it with a little side piece, it's not nearly as bad.

6:53 like it can carry the edges better than the brown sugar.

6:56 I was so diluted and stupid as a child, just like we all are.

6:59 The filling carries the edges.

7:00 It's a step up.

7:01 I gave those a seven.

7:03 I think by proxy I have to give these an eight.

7:07 They're delicious.

7:07 I love them.

7:08 Next up, we got ourselves some strawberry, which has it seems to be

7:14 a worser frosting distribution situation appearance vibe.

7:17 It's way less frosting than the blueberry.

7:21 Would you look at the difference in the frosting coverage?

7:24 I feel compelled to open another one to make sure.

7:27 It's interesting to me if there's

7:29 a pattern that strawberry are just less frosted.

7:33 Yeah.

7:33 Yeah.

7:34 Why would strawberry be less frosted than blueberry?

7:36 Warm strawberry has never been something that I prefer.

7:39 It's weird, but who cares?

7:42 I don't know.

7:44 Awful.

7:44 I don't even taste strawberry.

7:47 The goo is practically flavorless.

7:48 It does not taste like strawberry.

7:50 If I were blindfolded, which to be fair is how we should be doing this.

7:53 If I were blindfolded, I would not know what flavor that is.

7:56 That's confounding.

7:57 Here, I have a piece of just strawberry goo.

8:01 Barely detectable.

8:02 And that was just goo.

8:03 You're eating the rest.

8:04 You don't know what you're eating.

8:05 And I taste the not burntness, but the toasted pastry only.

8:09 And it's gross.

8:10 The pastry is gross.

8:11 It's It's just It's just shortening and flour.

8:12 I truly don't like it.

8:14 I'm going to give these a four.

8:15 The strawberry that's there is hot strawberry,

8:17 which doesn't make Think about that.

8:18 When's the last time you had anything strawberry hot?

8:21 Blueberries somehow make sense.

8:23 I don't know why, but it does.

8:25 Hot strawberries have a bad texture if they're whole

8:28 and then the flavor it it's in congruous in your brain.

8:31 That begs a very interesting question.

8:35 Strawberry, is it better cold?

8:37 Marketkedly better cold.

8:38 I have to do both.

8:39 That's like way better.

8:41 I can taste strawberry more.

8:42 I swear.

8:43 I promise.

8:44 Believe me.

8:44 Please.

8:45 That's true.

8:46 Like I can I swear I can taste strawberry more clearly.

8:50 It doesn't taste weird.

8:51 The pastry it doesn't have that like toasty flavor like it microwaved a poop.

8:57 It just rolls off the tongue under the tongue.

8:59 Just rolls on that tongue.

9:01 It's still not great.

9:02 A cold Pop-Tart is a less enjoyable eating experience.

9:04 I'm going to give it a five for untoasted, four for toasted.

9:09 What do we got here?

9:12 Unfrosted brown sugar cinnamon.

9:15 Oh, come on.

9:16 What's What's this for?

9:17 Hang on.

9:18 If it's like a dietary thing.

9:20 Okay.

9:21 Wow.

9:21 We have frosted and unfrosted brown sugar cinnamon.

9:24 You might notice that they have extremely similar nutritional effects.

9:27 400 calories.

9:28 The unfrosted has an extra gram of fat and it has less sugar.

9:33 It has 4 g less sugar, but it has more fat.

9:36 Why?

9:37 Filling looks the same.

9:38 That looks the same inside.

9:40 Why do these exist?

9:42 If you're cutting back on sugar, you shouldn't be eating these full stop.

9:46 If you're cutting back on sugar, eat something else.

9:49 Who's this for?

9:50 Why do they make these?

9:52 So, upon googling this, some people prefer a simpler texture.

9:56 Just like, what are you talking?

9:58 Why you can't?

9:59 That can't be true.

10:00 And somebody on Reddit was like, cuz I like putting butter on my Pop-Tarts.

10:05 Flip it over.

10:06 Put it on the other side.

10:07 What?

10:08 Like, sounds good, though.

10:10 Not going to do it.

10:13 Too many complications already in this episode.

10:18 Ah, it really needs the frosting on there

10:21 from both a sugar and textural perspective.

10:23 It gives a little crunch and the sugar hits your tongue faster.

10:27 It's on the outside, so it hits your receptors faster.

10:30 So, you're like, "Sweet pastry,

10:31 sweet instead of now it's like pastry sweet pastry pastry."

10:35 I know that some people like to live simpler lives.

10:37 I'm not going to judge them for it,

10:38 but I will judge these Pop-Tarts, not the people who choose to eat them.

10:42 Just these as objects.

10:43 Somehow they're so much worse.

10:44 They're ugly, too.

10:45 I'm going to give them a five.

10:46 That frosting cost you -3 cents to spray on there,

10:50 and it just cost you two points.

10:52 So, you do the math.

10:54 It's worse cold.

10:56 So, we'll give it a four cold.

10:59 How about that?

11:00 Unfrosted strawberry.

11:01 I can taste the strawberry better.

11:04 I genuinely think, look, there's I can squeeze it out.

11:07 That is some hot strawberry jam.

11:09 Can't say I'm a big fan of it.

11:12 Somehow it's better cuz there's more strawberry.

11:16 Confounding.

11:17 Hot.

11:17 I'm going to give it a five.

11:22 Gold.

11:22 I'm going to give it a four.

11:24 It's reversed.

11:25 I swear to God.

11:26 All right.

11:27 Next, we're getting into I assume the next round of flavors.

11:31 I couldn't verify when cherry Pop-Tarts came out.

11:34 I'm sure it's somewhere, but I couldn't find it.

11:36 First off, the filling is flowing out of the holes.

11:39 Is it positively stuffed with filling?

11:41 Is cherry filling more runny and run and flows out more easily?

11:46 Also, on the blueberry Pop-Tarts and and strawberry Pop-Tarts,

11:49 you'll notice that they're rainbow sprinkles that are kind of like It's

11:51 almost like they had big sprinkles that they ground up or something.

11:54 It's like little shards.

11:56 These are just perfectly little squares of sugar.

11:58 So, you know what the hell's going on?

12:01 I don't like fake cherry flavor.

12:03 What's in this?

12:04 Wow.

12:04 Here's the ingredients.

12:05 Enriched flour, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup.

12:08 That's always confused me.

12:10 Dextrose, sugar, soybean, and palm oil.

12:12 Contains 2% or less of wheat starch, salt, leavenning, baking soda, uh,

12:18 sodium acid, phos, pyroofosphate, monocalium phosphate,

12:21 citric acid, dried cherries, dried apples.

12:25 Then it goes soy leithin, gelatin, caramel.

12:28 There's so little cherry in here.

12:30 It's crazy.

12:31 There's natural flavor.

12:32 That's what it says.

12:33 Red 40 lake.

12:34 Lead red 40 and red 40 lake.

12:37 What the hell is lake?

12:39 Oh, this smell like a girl.

12:41 This smell like a sexy lady.

12:43 Fair amount of filling.

12:44 Brown sugar in the um strawberry and blueberry had some caverning happening.

12:48 Some how caverns, which is a cavern system in upstate New York.

12:52 You know, I can push it out the same way that I could the unfrosted.

12:56 I think there's more filling in this.

12:59 I kissed a girl and I didn't like it.

13:02 The taste of taste of her cherry chapstick.

13:05 Tastes like cherry chapstick is what I'm trying to say.

13:08 And that's why I smelled like a girl.

13:09 Do I wear cherry chapstick?

13:10 Yes.

13:10 No, I don't.

13:11 I wear strawberry chapstick like a guy.

13:14 Like one of the fellas, you know?

13:16 That's where that thought feeling come came from.

13:18 If that even makes it into the episode.

13:21 I don't know if that's offensive or not.

13:23 Anyway, that tastes terrible.

13:24 I don't like fake cherry flavor.

13:26 And that is the fakest of all the cherry flavors.

13:29 Let's try it hot.

13:31 That tastes like a car air freshener.

13:33 I hate that.

13:33 If you like fake cherry, you'll like it.

13:35 I don't like fake cherry flavor.

13:37 It really bothers me.

13:37 That's a personal thing.

13:38 I am going to let it let it affect my score.

13:41 What am I talking about?

13:42 I'm totally going to let it affect my score.

13:43 I'm going to give cherry Pop-Tarts a three.

13:45 Like, when that flavor hits me,

13:48 it's truly unpleasant to the point where I don't want any more emphatically.

13:53 Raspberry flavored Pop-Tart.

13:54 Uh, these smell pretty[ __] good.

13:57 I love raspberry jam.

13:58 I love it hot or cold.

13:59 I microwave it.

14:00 I I eat it with a spoon or I put it in the freezer.

14:04 I lick it.

14:05 Popsicle.

14:05 Neither of those things are true.

14:06 But I do love raspberry.

14:08 And that's why I like it cuz fake raspberry flavor tastes good.

14:13 And I guarantee it's got to be the same situation here.

14:17 Shut up.

14:18 This has more dried pears than dried raspberries.

14:20 And it also has dried apples.

14:22 So, it's filled with pears, raspberries, and apples.

14:25 Presumably, apples and pears are cheaper and they give fruit flavor.

14:28 So, they're like, "Just put a little bit

14:30 of raspberries in there." Just legally, we have to say.

14:32 I do want to eat it, though.

14:33 It's very, very good.

14:34 Do I like it as much as blueberry?

14:37 The answer to that question and more right now,

14:40 I don't like it as much as blueberry, I don't think.

14:44 Yeah, I don't.

14:46 because it is a fake raspberry flavor which I

14:49 preferred cherry but it still tastes not quite right.

14:51 The blueberry one at least tastes like that tastes like blueberries.

14:55 I had coffee in afternoon bad idea and only sugar.

14:58 Just a slow drip of sugar.

14:59 We've learned the effect that has on me.

15:01 It's not good.

15:02 And I'm wearing very short shorts.

15:03 You see?

15:04 You can see right up in there.

15:05 I look normal when I stand.

15:07 See the I look fashionable and normal.

15:08 That's why this table's here.

15:09 We could do this without a table.

15:11 Okay, these are good.

15:12 They're not as good as blueberry.

15:14 I'm going to give them a seven.

15:15 And I'm not gonna try them cold because that's dumb.

15:17 They're not going to be better cold.

15:19 I can tell.

15:20 Next up, we have another one that I

15:21 believe I remember was introduced in the 90s.

15:23 This is one of the many flavors of things that I think came with my childhood.

15:28 We got frosted samores.

15:29 God forbid you ever get an unfrosted samore Pop-Tart.

15:34 This famously has stripes of different colored fillings

15:38 of marshmallow and and chocolate filling and stripes.

15:42 Let's see how accurate that is.

15:44 Dead accurate.

15:45 Perfect depiction.

15:46 Try cold.

15:46 I guess I This one could be better.

15:49 Hot or cold.

15:50 That's why I'm doing it.

15:53 Cold.

15:53 The Pop-Tarts samore editions.

15:55 Frosted s'mores.

15:56 Uh was off to a a a middling start.

16:01 I would call it uh samores flavored breakfast cereal

16:05 that you drizzled Hershey's syrup onto for a little extra cred.

16:09 I liked it, but it tasted very not like a samore really.

16:13 Like I don't know.

16:14 I know it's probably real marshmallow cream in there.

16:16 You know, I don't see anything related to marshmallow.

16:19 If I had to guess, it's just a sugar paste.

16:24 Oh, those are well done.

16:27 Okay, that looks the same.

16:29 Wasn't the good guy.

16:31 Damn.

16:31 That kind of tastes like a samore little bit.

16:35 That's really all you can ask from from a samore flavored Pop-Tart.

16:38 It's all you can ask for.

16:39 I don't like the chocolate flavor.

16:41 It tastes like Hershey's syrup, but it is nice.

16:43 It's warm.

16:44 I like it, but it's got shortcomings.

16:46 This tastes aggressively fake.

16:47 Like, like it's proud that it's fake,

16:50 which I kind of admire, but I can't reward.

16:53 I'm going to give it a seven.

16:55 [Music] Next up, we have Pop-Tarts Frosted Cookies and Cream.

17:00 White filling white stuff with a chocolate cookie.

17:04 I'm going to stop being surprised when people nail the cookies and cream

17:07 flavor of things because I'm starting to realize it's probably not hard to nail.

17:11 It tastes like cookies and cream.

17:15 Does Whoa.

17:16 The frosting becomes like liquid.

17:20 Usually things are cookies and cream flavored.

17:22 This is cookies and cream.

17:24 It just is.

17:25 Way better hot.

17:26 It does taste like cookies and cream manifest.

17:29 And I like that a great deal.

17:31 I think it's very, very good.

17:33 I'm going to give it a eight.

17:34 I guess it's dessert.

17:35 The idea of having this for breakfast makes me want to go back to bed.

17:39 It's like this is the equivalent of doing cocaine for dinner.

17:42 It's this for breakfast.

17:43 First up, we have frosted hot fudge sundae.

17:47 Mm- got a double helix right here.

17:50 You got you got beautiful pattern.

17:53 And then this one the sprinkles.

17:55 Come on, guys.

17:56 It really looks like they threw the sprinkles at it from a distance.

18:00 This is a frosted hot fudge sundae, which on its own sounds insane.

18:04 Frosted hot fudge sundae.

18:05 Do they make an unfrosted hot fudge sundae pop-tart?

18:10 Cuz I'll lose my mind.

18:12 Just tastes like chocolate flavor extract.

18:15 It's going to be better hot just like everything.

18:20 It's better hot.

18:22 But I still really like they could

18:24 have just called this chocolate syrup Pop-Tart.

18:27 This one, it just tastes like chocolate syrup

18:29 and we put other stuff on it for some reason.

18:32 It's so so one note in flavor and it looks bad, too.

18:35 I don't like the lightness of the cookie.

18:37 Show me you mean it, you know.

18:39 I don't like this.

18:40 I'm going to give it a five.

18:42 It just tastes like sugar and chocolate syrup.

18:45 Not into it.

18:47 Next up, we have Pop-Tarts Frostedy Chip Pancake.

18:50 On the bottom, it almost looks like a McGriddle

18:52 and that like there's like a syrup injection point.

18:55 Definitely smells like fake maple syrup.

18:59 That does not smell super great.

19:02 I don't know what the filling is supposed to be.

19:05 Just like pancake goo, like pancake batter or something.

19:07 What the hell is that supposed to be?

19:09 It does not taste chocolate at all.

19:11 Hence the chocolate tea.

19:12 I wonder if there's any actual chocolate in here.

19:15 Semieet chocolate chips.

19:16 Are you for serious?

19:17 These are chocolate chips.

19:18 They look like pieces of paper.

19:19 It's like you took Mrs.

19:21 Butterworth's pancake syrup.

19:22 That's what that's called.

19:24 and you added sugar to it.

19:26 Just like plain sugar.

19:27 It's like muted down the pancake syrup flavor.

19:30 I hate it.

19:31 It's awful.

19:31 I don't like it.

19:33 I'm going to give it a three.

19:35 It's not palatable whatsoever in my in my opinion.

19:39 So, now we have frosted cinnamon roll,

19:41 which is different from frosted brown sugar cinnamon.

19:45 How?

19:45 First off, it has 20 fewer calories,

19:47 two grams less of fat, 10 grams less of sodium,

19:51 same 69 gram of carbs, two grams less of protein,

19:55 and it has white frosting instead of tan.

19:58 And I think to its detriment, that looks like that looks like garbage.

20:02 I don't know.

20:03 I guess cinnamon rolls are kind of rough around the edges,

20:05 and they wanted to have the goo oozing,

20:07 ejaculating out of it so that it, you know,

20:09 kind of bears a resemblance a little bit.

20:11 or they just don't give a I mean like I'm probably

20:13 putting way more into all of these than they ever have.

20:17 Wa!

20:17 It's filled with goo.

20:19 It's not a a paste.

20:22 It's a goo.

20:23 Definitely more cinnamon and definitely more goo cuz there's no goo in that one.

20:27 It's paste.

20:28 This one's goo.

20:29 I can't get over it.

20:30 I'm sorry, but it's goo.

20:32 See, look at that goo.

20:33 Here's the news.

20:34 I like the goo.

20:35 I'm a gooby eye.

20:37 I've made no secret about this, but I especially like it

20:40 in this context because it's definitely has way more cinnamon in it.

20:44 It's like very distinct cinnamon flavor.

20:46 And I do think that having the goo in there has improved the texture.

20:50 I do it.

20:50 It doesn't have the crunch of the cinnamon sugar paste,

20:54 but it still has it from the frosting.

20:56 And I think it's made the pastry like a little lighter and flakier somehow.

21:01 I don't know.

21:02 I love it.

21:02 Best Pop-Tart I've ever had.

21:04 There's room for improvement.

21:05 There's always room for improvement.

21:06 It's not good enough to get a nine.

21:08 It just isn't.

21:09 Nine is like, "Holy[ __] what is happening right now?" 10 is like,

21:13 "You forget how to speak." Eight is like, "Damn." It's like, I say I say, "Good.

21:18 Goddamn." Yeah.

21:19 So, that's an eight.

21:20 Give that an eight.

21:21 You need the goo.

21:22 Give me the goo.

21:24 Give me the goo, Lord.

21:25 Give me the goo.

21:27 Girl Scouts Frosted Thin Mints.

21:29 Girl Scout cookie inspired flavor.

21:31 Will they taste like hot Thin Mints?

21:34 This is going to sound insane.

21:36 But it's not sweet enough.

21:38 It's not sweet enough.

21:39 I think the thin mints, they have the chocolate coating on them and that adds

21:43 like an a little extra hit of sugar.

21:45 They taste like toothpasty almost like the chocolate.

21:47 That's it.

21:47 It needs more chocolate.

21:48 No, it's there.

21:49 Needs more sweet and chocolate a little bit.

21:51 I don't like it.

21:52 __] I don't like the aftertaste.

21:53 Like I thought I liked it so much when I was eating it.

21:56 Now I'm like, do I?

21:57 I don't like this.

21:58 This it doesn't look very good and it tastes fine at first,

22:00 but then it turns a little toothpasty and not sweet enough.

22:03 So I'm going to give it a five.

22:05 Lot of room for improvement there.

22:07 Next up, we have Pop-Tarts.

22:08 Girl Scouts Frosted Coconut Caramel Girl Scout cookie inspired flavor.

22:14 Smells crazy.

22:15 These smell bonkers.

22:16 These smell like the candle section at TJ Maxx.

22:19 Will they taste like coconut caramel cookie?

22:22 My favorite Girl Scout cookie.

22:24 My Girl Scout cookie of not of choice, but of demand.

22:29 It's not a perfect recreation of the coconut

22:32 caramel cookie courtesy of Girl Scouts,

22:34 but if you just called this a coconut caramel Pop-Tart, we'd be in business.

22:39 We're still going to do business together.

22:41 Don't worry.

22:41 The caramel flavor is very, very, very fake.

22:44 Like, you know, caramel flavored extract syrup products byproduct.

22:49 The coconut flavor tastes good.

22:51 I wish that there were bits of actual co coconut in there.

22:55 I like it.

22:56 I'd keep eating it.

22:58 Not going to seek it out.

23:01 That's a seven.

23:02 Next up, we have a limited edition Fantastic Four First

23:06 Steps Blue Raspberry Pop-Tart with a photo realalistic print on top.

23:10 Well, not really.

23:12 That's pretty lame, actually.

23:13 That's pretty.

23:14 It does have all those retro futuristic sparkle things on it

23:17 that have been in all the branding for Fantastic 4 First Steps,

23:20 which I have not yet seen.

23:22 Wow.

23:23 Electric turquoise.

23:23 It's way more turquoise than the actual Fantastic 4 color, guys.

23:27 You couldn't nail the color.

23:28 That's all you do.

23:29 Smells like blue raspberry.

23:31 I will tell you that.

23:33 It smells like a blue raspberry blow pop.

23:36 God, it's tart.

23:37 This is the only pop tart I've ever had that's tart ever.

23:42 These flavors are inongruous.

23:43 You shouldn't have blue raspberry.

23:45 Like it tastes like they melted down

23:48 a Jolly Rancher and stuffed it in this bread.

23:51 Like that doesn't make sense.

23:54 It's weird and super tart.

23:56 But I kind of like it.

23:57 Like the the psycho inner child in me, the one that like,

24:00 you know, was like, I don't want to eat dinner.

24:03 I just want candy, would love this, like love this.

24:07 But does that mean it should exist?

24:08 Not necessarily.

24:09 I do not know what to do with this one.

24:11 I cannot tell if I like it.

24:13 So, I think that could be a five.

24:15 Like, I am so on the fence.

24:16 I kind of want another bite, but also I don't.

24:19 I mean, look at it.

24:21 That looks insane.

24:22 That's kind of good, but it's weird.

24:24 Frosted banana bread.

24:25 Nothing to do with chill or anything like that.

24:28 It has a like a very well hydrated yellow frosting.

24:32 Banana powder.

24:33 There's banana powder in these.

24:35 Okay.

24:35 Sounds like uh this is going to be interesting.

24:38 Unfortunately, I will never know because I am allergic to bananas.

24:41 And even though I think that cooking

24:43 them deactivates the enzyme that makes me die, I'm not going to roll the dice.

24:47 Not for this.

24:47 I shouldn't be touching it.

24:48 Honestly, last time I touched a banana,

24:50 I start So, here's what we're going to do.

24:53 We're going to bring cameraman Steven here and he's going to taste this for me.

24:58 Be my surrogate.

24:59 Be my eyes, ears, mouth, nose.

25:00 This looks awful.

25:01 The color of the the icing is Pick a color.

25:08 It's white, but also not white.

25:12 It's eggshell.

25:13 That sucks.

25:14 That is just terrible.

25:15 Also, my palette's very unrefined.

25:16 The only things I can compare this to is candy and ices from 7-Eleven.

25:20 That's what it tastes like.

25:22 Yeah.

25:22 Give me a break.

25:23 That's a two.

25:25 That's really bad.

25:27 That's dreadful.

25:28 All right.

25:29 Goodbye.

25:30 Pop-Tarts.

25:30 No chill.

25:32 Sugar cookie.

25:33 What?

25:33 I think they took like a, you know, Tik Tok Jenz saying.

25:37 They just slapped it on.

25:39 These could be called on god sugar cookie.

25:41 I sure do like a sugar cookie,

25:43 but I don't know how it's different from literally every other pop.

25:46 The sugar cookie is just a sugar and cookie.

25:48 You know what?

25:49 This is probably an unflavored Pop-Tart is what it is.

25:52 This is just generic goo or generic paste, generic frosting.

25:55 That's it.

25:56 I'm willing to bet they'll load it up with vanilla flavor.

26:00 Yeah, they printed a beach chair on it.

26:03 The CMYK cartridges are a little out of alignment.

26:06 They got to work on that.

26:07 But they can print a pretty solid image on this Pop-Tart,

26:10 but they can't get normal frosting pattern upon it,

26:12 which would make it look so much better if

26:14 you just had like a just a strip of frosting.

26:17 Can you just make it with clean edges?

26:19 Can you just do that?

26:20 Oh.

26:21 It's filled with like sugar cookie dough.

26:23 It's not even a a paste.

26:25 You want to know something about these Pop-Tarts?

26:28 They have no chill.

26:29 And chill is what I call sugar cookie attributes.

26:32 They suck.

26:33 The filling is dry.

26:35 It is like cookie dough but thicker and not like,

26:39 you know, cookie dough has like crystals of sugar in it.

26:42 This has nothing.

26:43 It's just this dense,

26:43 slightly chewy kind of gunk that has zero discernable flavor.

26:47 It's terrible.

26:48 I do think it is an unflavored Pop-Tart with a worse

26:51 filling because this filling it like it's not even,

26:54 you know, soft and and and sugary like the uh brown sugar one.

26:57 The fact that they can do a brown sugar filling that has sugar crystals in it

27:02 and they chose not to do that for the sugar cookie pop-tart is frankly unkind.

27:07 Truly truly dislike that everything about it.

27:10 Uh, not to the point where I want to spit it out and step on it,

27:15 eat it again, chew it out, spit it, spit it up, and so add nauseium.

27:18 So, not a zero.

27:19 I'm gonna give it a one because it is boring.

27:22 It has a worse texture and has no chill.

27:25 Do they know what that means?

27:26 Do they know that that's a like a bad thing?

27:28 The fact that you called these no chill has no chill.

27:33 Next up, we have frosted strawberry milkshake.

27:36 Nice hot milkshake for you.

27:38 Oh, okay.

27:39 It's goo based.

27:40 You get three options with Pop-Tarts.

27:42 You get paste, gel, or goo.

27:45 And this is goo.

27:48 Smells better than the other.

27:51 The strawberry one.

27:53 The strawberry one tasted like not like real strawberry.

27:56 It tasted like, you know,

27:58 strawberry jam that they put in the Pop-Tart, which is weird hot.

28:02 This tastes like strawberry chapstick, which is strangely not weird to eat hot,

28:06 but it doesn't make it good.

28:08 It tastes like strawberry flavoring,

28:10 which I think is an improvement, but barely.

28:13 Like barely.

28:13 It still tastes weird.

28:14 So, that's it.

28:15 That's all I got to say about it cuz it's just not terribly good.

28:19 I really don't like the flavor.

28:20 It does taste like strawberry chapstick.

28:22 And I do use strawberry chapstick.

28:23 I don't use I don't use cherry chapstick.

28:26 That's for That's for girls.

28:27 But, as a Pop-Tart, I cannot recommend it.

28:30 I'm going to give it a four.

28:32 It's a downgrade from the normal strawberry,

28:33 which I already didn't like very much.

28:35 Um, I'm going to give it a four.

28:37 Next up, we have Frosted Lemon Blueberry Crumble,

28:40 which I assume is just blueberry pop-tart with some lemon in it.

28:45 Damn it.

28:46 If I wrote down my thought process, it'd be 50 pages long moment.

28:51 It's like, it tastes very good,

28:54 but then there's these little hints of lemon flavor.

28:58 Not lemon flavor, but lemon extract flavor style,

29:02 which has been a common theme with this where

29:05 it's just like they're using the extract.

29:07 They're not using the real thing.

29:08 And god, I wish they just added a little lemon juice to the freaking blueberry.

29:12 That's all they have to do.

29:13 You could just make these yellow dots.

29:14 It doesn't matter.

29:15 Like just just add a little bit of lemon juice or lemon zest, even better.

29:18 You're throwing that[ __] away anyway.

29:20 You might as well just Smells great and it tastes

29:24 great except for those little Let me try one more.

29:27 Yeah, the lemon.

29:28 It's like pine soul.

29:29 So, you're eating this and it's like blueberry,

29:32 blueberry, a little bit of lemon cleaning supplies.

29:34 Blueberry, blueberry, blueberry, a little bit of lemon Windex.

29:37 That's not a thing.

29:38 I really hate those little hits.

29:40 Uh otherwise, it's just a very good blueberry pop-tart.

29:43 So, that's going to cost you and it's going to cost you two points to a six.

29:50 Frosted confetti cupcake.

29:51 These better be real confetti sprinkles.

29:53 And they better bring a real crunch.

29:55 One fell off.

29:56 Perfect opportunity.

29:57 They are real confetti sprinkles, but they're like stale.

30:00 They're not crunchy the way that they should be.

30:02 Oh no, it's got this uncooked goo in the center.

30:06 Oh yeah, it's just this paste.

30:09 Oh, this aggressively bland paste.

30:11 Sprinkles aren't doing aren't doing anything for me.

30:15 This just tastes like vanilla, fake vanilla flavor.

30:19 And it has a reprehensibly dry and pasty texture.

30:23 That's so awful.

30:25 I mean, I don't mind the flavor.

30:27 It's just so dry.

30:28 It turns into just gunk in your mouth.

30:31 It's terrible.

30:31 It's going to get a twin one along with its brethren,

30:34 the sugar cookie because I think

30:36 they're effectively the same minus the sprinkles.

30:39 Pop-Tarts pastry bites.

30:40 These just going to be miniature versions of the Pop-Tarts.

30:43 Like the same exact formula, but just smaller.

30:45 Feels like it.

30:47 I don't think it's going to work.

30:50 We'll get those out later.

30:52 Uh, there's one left for little old me.

30:55 These are strawberry, but they have pink, yellow, and green, red sprinkles.

31:01 Martyra colors, I guess.

31:04 So, there's no purple in them, man.

31:08 Wasn't that bad.

31:09 I'm acting, but like, dude, they started off so promising.

31:13 The strawberry flavor apparent, immediate.

31:14 I think that they put it in the frosting so that you taste it faster and so

31:19 it's more just prolific because that strawberry filling

31:21 was almost nothing in the fulls size guy.

31:23 And there's so much bread on this.

31:25 Look at the amount of bread.

31:26 It's got a nice texture.

31:27 Like it's less crumbly and dry than the original Pop-Tart.

31:30 The frosting is snappier.

31:32 Like it is crunchier.

31:33 You're getting great crunch from that and from the little sprinkles.

31:36 But the flavor is abhorent.

31:38 It somehow tastes even more fake.

31:41 Not the strawberry, mind you, even though that does taste fake.

31:45 So, it is kind of like they took a full-size

31:48 strawberry pop-tart and they used the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

31:51 Such a badass laser.

31:52 The coolest laser in all of fiction was that Honey, I shrunk the kids laser.

31:58 It's like they use that laser to shrink down that Pop-Tart,

32:03 but in doing so, it magnifies all the flavors.

32:06 So yeah, you got a sharper, crazier strawberry flavor,

32:09 but you also have a a staler ranc more rancid shortening flavor.

32:15 Give me a two.

32:16 That's interesting.

32:17 I just need to point this out.

32:19 I'm jumping back in time here, but just cuz I just spotted it.

32:23 Huge text here.

32:24 Good source of three B vitamins.

32:26 Under vitamins, they do not list any B vitamins.

32:29 Everything else is 10% of your daily value or less.

32:32 In fact, there's very specifically 0% vitamin D.

32:36 Why do you even put that?

32:38 0% potassium, 0% calcium.

32:40 Why?

32:41 Okay, now we have Pop-Tarts Crunchy Poppers Frosted Strawberry Crunch.

32:45 I've never seen anything like this where where the product

32:49 has looked so it's not even that it looks significantly worse.

32:53 The dimensions are different.

32:54 That's like a different object.

32:55 The amount of strawberry filling in there.

32:58 What's a crunchy Pop-Tart like?

33:01 Ask your dad after he's been suntanning.

33:06 There's an off flavor and I think I think it's specifically in the frosting.

33:11 And it is off, but I kind of like it.

33:14 It's the same frosting as on frosted mini wheats.

33:16 There's like that kind of hollow metallic tinny sweetness to it.

33:19 The first bite.

33:21 You know what I'm talking about?

33:23 Look at this pathetic[ __] Look at that.

33:27 It's not even gestal.

33:29 It's just like, oh, we accidentally got frosting on that one.

33:34 Shoot.

33:34 Leave it on there.

33:35 That's insane.

33:35 Well, it's a good test of like, is it that frosting was a source of the flavor?

33:40 It's a strange flavor.

33:42 It's a little more metallic, but it's also nostalgic.

33:44 I I like frosted mini.

33:46 I will say the cookie, I guess I'll call it,

33:48 is way more palatable than the pastry bites.

33:50 It doesn't have any rancidity or off flavor to it.

33:53 Has a nice crunch.

33:54 Doesn't taste like buttery or real or anything,

33:56 but it's like a really, you know, great texture.

34:00 Short, crumbly, crunchy filling is

34:02 the same exaggerated hyper peekquant strawberry filling.

34:05 These make for a great little snack.

34:08 I think I like them a fair amount.

34:10 And that fair amount is out of 10, these are a seven.

34:15 Uh, they're pretty good, and I would pop the rest of them.

34:20 Pop-Tarts Crunchy Poppers Frosted Brownie Crunch.

34:22 Sounds like a blizzard from DQ, not a little Pop-Tart snack here.

34:27 Again, a utter misrepresentation.

34:29 Whoa, we got a daisy chain going on here.

34:32 These ones are These ones are just going to town on each other's genitals.

34:36 Okay, the frosting seems to be its undoing.

34:38 Smells not great.

34:39 Smells like uh you know, if these are the sort of chocolate syrup flavor,

34:43 that's going to be their undoing.

34:44 But I'm going to give them the fairest

34:47 crack of all and grab this frankly photogenic one.

34:50 Put it in my mouth.

34:53 Tastes like cocoa puffs.

34:54 I like cocoa puffs.

34:56 See, that's nostalgia talking cuz objectively as a food item,

34:59 if you were an alien or somebody who had

35:01 never tried cocoa puffs before when they were a kid,

35:04 you probably eat it and be like,

35:06 "What the[ __] is this?" You took corn, you ground it up, and you puffed it,

35:10 and then you flavored it with chocolate and not real chocolate,

35:13 like just cocoa powder style imitation extract.

35:16 What are you doing?

35:18 It's that same flavor.

35:19 I don't like it and that's a shame.

35:22 That being said, they're not like bad.

35:25 They just aren't very good.

35:28 And I think that gets you a five.

35:32 Well, here we are, folks.

35:34 My only two eights of the day.

35:36 Classic frosted blueberry and new school frosted cinnon roll.

35:39 Only two eights today.

35:40 And here they are.

35:42 And I'm talking about them to you, the audience,

35:45 who I'm going to thank for watching and prompt to comment and ask

35:49 a philosophical question that hopefully makes

35:52 you think and tickles your funny ribs,

35:54 saying that until next time, this has been one thing bringing you another thing.

36:00 And with that, there's only one thing left to do.

36:06 Half and half.

36:11 There you have it, folks.

36:13 I think we broke a world record for most flavors of Pop-Tarts in a smoothie.

36:22 I knew that was going to taste crazy.

36:25 I had no idea.

36:27 Oh my god.

36:28 Every flavor.

36:29 It's every flavor of fruit and cinnamon and chocolate.

36:36 Oh Jesus.

36:38 like needs something.

36:41 Kirkland tequila blanco.

36:44 [Music] I feel like all the tequila did was make it taste stronger.

36:54 Like all the existing flavors taste stronger.

36:56 I don't think I've ever put anything in my mouth

36:59 that not only had as me that many flavors in it,

37:03 but also had the volume of the flavor was so like

37:06 it tasted like more things than I've ever had in one place.

37:09 The taste was the most powerful taste like like my mouth felt overwhelmed.

37:15 Not just from the variety, but from the sheer taste of it all.

37:19 I got to try it again.

37:21 Babage fam, you know.

37:23 God.

37:23 Wow.

37:24 I wish I didn't do this.

37:26 And uh thank you for watching.

37:29 Please comment below what do you want to see me

37:32 blend or rank and then blend into a smoothie next.

37:35 Thanks again to my long-term partner Squarespace for sponsoring this episode.

37:39 Be sure to head to rankedwithbish.com to submit your ideas for what you

37:42 think I should rank next or who you want to see as a guest.

37:45 While you're there, admire the smooth template designed by Squarespace.

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38:19 [Music] [Music]