Jokes Seth Can't Tell: The Gay Divorce, Lesbian Simulator

0:01 -Here at "Late Night", every night I deliver a monologue.

0:03 It's made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.

0:06 As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that do,

0:09 to my being a straight white male, would be difficult for me to deliver.

0:13 We don't think that should stop you from enjoying them.

0:15 So we'd like to share them with you now in a segment called

0:19 "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."♪♪ So these are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny.

0:28 -I'm black.

0:29 -And I'm gay.

0:30 -And we're both women.

0:32 -And I'm none of that.

0:33 So here's how this works.

0:35 I'm going to read the setups to these jokes,

0:37 and then Amber and Jenny will take over and read the punchlines.

0:41 So here we go.

0:42 A theater in Brooklyn recently mounted a play called "The Gay

0:47 Divorce." -It's about two women fighting for custody of a cat.

0:51 Laughter] -Yeah, see, it would be bad.

0:53 If I told that, it would be back.

0:54 -Yeah.

0:55 -An article encouraging Black women to try

0:57 tennis was published recently in Black Doctor magazine.

1:00 -Said Black women, "Black doctor?"[ Laughter] -Amber,

1:06 what's your favorite contribution made by a Black doctor?

1:09 -"The Chronic."[ Light laughter] -What about open heart surgery?

1:17 -I never got high to open heart surgery.

1:21 -Celine Dion appeared on stage for the first time in six years,

1:24 wearing a black gown and a long, priceless necklace.

1:27 -A long, priceless necklace, or as lesbians call it, a lanyard.

1:32 -Now, now, now, Jenny, do you wear a lanyard?

1:35 -No, I have an even fancier necklace.

1:38 -Oh.

1:40 Laughs] -A 17-foot tall statue of a black woman was recently erected in London.

1:46 -So if you're a Black woman in London, get ready to hear,

1:50 "You know who you look like?" -Amber, who do people tell you you look like?

1:55 -Oh, Clarence Thomas, Rudy Huxtable,

2:00 Sojourner Truth, Steve Urkel, George Washington Carver.

2:05 And that's just from Seth.

2:08 Laughter] -I mean, you see it, right?

2:12 Laughter] A man in Spain recently paid $960

2:20 for a pair of Diane Keaton's nail clippers.

2:23 -"Let me borrow those," said a lesbian going on a date.

2:28 -I don't get it.

2:29 -Oh.

2:30 Indistinct whispering] -Oh, oh, yeah, no.

2:32 I— want to stop learning now.

2:35 A new program is training Black barbers to provide mental health services.

2:39 -Because it was easier than training therapists to do Black hair.

2:44 -Amber, what's the hardest thing about having Black hair?

2:46 -Like, slapping white people's hands away.

2:51 I'm really good at it.

2:53 -I just feel like I'd understand it.

2:54 -No!

2:56 Laughter] -A player for the Brooklyn Nets said in a recent interview

3:00 that he's so straight he'd be a lesbian if he was a woman.

3:03 -And if he was a lesbian, he'd be on a better team than the Brooklyn Nets.

3:07 Laughter] -According— Nice burn.

3:10 Cheers and applause][ Laughter] According to a new survey,

3:17 nearly half of adults said that the food

3:19 is what brings people together at a summer cookout.

3:22 -And what sends them home is a white lady with an iPhone.

3:26 -Does that really happen?

3:28 -There's a white lady who been filming me this whole segment.

3:32 -What?

3:32 How long has she been there?

3:35 -Uh, two minutes and 38 seconds.

3:37 -Oh, there you go.

3:38 So it does come in handy.

3:39 An artist recently created a lesbian simulator that allows

3:43 players to navigate lesbian experiences like friendship and dating.

3:46 -And asking a handsome male stranger for his sperm.

3:51 -According to a recent study,

3:52 AI algorithms are biased against speakers of African American English.

3:57 -"Oh, my God, so are we," said employers.

4:00 Audience "awws"] -Hey, Seth.

4:04 -Oh, no.

4:05 -Now that we're all in a good mood, why don't you tell one?

4:08 -After you guys have iced the crowd?

4:10 I don't think so.

4:11 -Ah, come on.

4:12 Just one.

4:13 -I don't feel like it'll end well.

4:15 -They love you.

4:15 -Do it.

4:16 -Alright, you know what?

4:17 They do love me.

4:18 -Yeah.

4:18 -Why am I being so hard on myself?

4:20 -You're America's sweetheart.

4:21 -A group of students at Virginia Commonwealth University organized

4:24 a lesbian field day featuring activities like potato sack races.

4:28 And this is cool.

4:29 They let them race in the potato sacks they showed up in.

4:33 -Seth?

4:33 -How could you?

4:35 -Oh, it makes sense based on every joke you guys ever told.

4:38 Blows raspberry] -I learned it from you.

4:40 Gasps] -Do you want me to try again?

4:43 -Yeah.

4:43 -Why don't you see if you can— -You can probably do it.

4:45 -Do a Black one and win him back?

4:47 -Yeah.

4:48 -Yeah.

4:48 -That's the surefire way to win them back.

4:50 -Went a little bad on the lesbian one, get 'em back with the black one?

4:52 -You got it.

4:52 -That feels safer.

4:54 -Yeah.

4:54 Thanks, guys.

4:56 You guys are the wind beneath my wings.

5:02 Galveston, Texas recently created an African American cultural district.

5:05 It's just an intersection with a Popeyes and a Lids.

5:09 Audience groans] -Seth, how dare you?

5:12 -How dare you?

5:13 You should be ashamed of yourself!

5:15 -You told me it would be okay!

5:17 -You're sick, Seth.

5:18 -I can't believe you said that.

5:19 How could you?

5:21 -Black women and lesbians are liars.

5:23 Laughter]