My Date With an Amputee | Courtney Gilmour | Comedy In Color | LOL! Stand-Up

0:00 Thank you for having me.

0:01 My name is Courtney.

0:02 Uh I know you guys can tell by the sound of my voice that I don't have hands.

0:08 That's true.

0:09 Gives me away every time.

0:11 Uh yeah, I was born like this, which is not an interesting story.

0:16 I've realized when people ask about it,

0:18 uh I get bored saying the same thing all the time, right?

0:21 Uh so I like to switch it up a bit, you guys.

0:23 When people ask what happened, I like to say other things.

0:27 I like to tell people that I was an abortion survivor, right?

0:33 Yes.

0:34 Thank you.

0:36 Like I fought back, right, Jess?

0:41 Thank you.

0:43 Just more inspirational.

0:44 So, I uh I come from a very good family.

0:49 Uh I have a a f my dad and I like to make fun of each other a lot.

0:55 I like to send my dad cat videos and he likes

0:59 to send me videos of other amputees doing cooler[ __] than me.

1:04 So, just to keep me humble, right?

1:07 Uh he sent me a video recently of a girl

1:10 with no arms and she flies an airplane with her feet.

1:14 That's crazy, right?

1:16 She flies an airplane with her feet.

1:19 And then underneath his email, he was just like, "So, what have you done lately?

1:26 I was like, "I don't know, Dad.

1:27 I'm out here opening a can of soup like it's a bank vault.

1:31 What do you want from me?" Do you have any

1:36 idea how far away I am from being a pilot?

1:38 It's not close.

1:39 It's not.

1:40 Uh I recently I was late for a party because I spent the first 20 I

1:44 put moisturizer on my arms and spent the first

1:46 25 minutes trying to open the front door.

1:48 So that's the kind of life I live.

1:50 It's cool though because now I send him videos

1:55 of other dads doing cooler[ __] than him, right?

2:03 Yes.

2:03 Thank you.

2:05 You know, like cleaning the pool with their clothes on.

2:10 Just dad stuff.

2:11 I uh I recently made the official move

2:14 of deleting all the dating apps off off my phone.

2:17 They're all gone.

2:18 I started seeing someone, so I deleted all my dating apps, right?

2:21 I feel very free, very liberated.

2:23 Everything I was using to meet men on is gone.

2:28 Tinder, Bumble, Uber Eatats, all of it.

2:32 It's all gone.

2:32 I don't know if you heard of the one called Happen.

2:36 There was a dating app called Happen.

2:38 Uh it was GPS-based.

2:39 People couldn't get into it because it was too creepy.

2:43 Because this was what happened.

2:45 dude be like, "Hey, you've matched with Ryan and he's right behind you.

2:53 No one's into that[ __] When I talk to Ryan, he's at home.

2:57 I'm at home.

2:58 That's it.

2:58 I don't want him right behind me." Um,

3:00 I recently uh I had to break up with someone last

3:03 year because we would get into very weird fights all the time.

3:07 uh whenever we would watch a movie together

3:09 and the couple in the movie would break up,

3:11 he would always say it was because the woman let herself go.

3:14 Yeah, that's what he said.

3:16 That the woman let herself go.

3:18 And I was like, "What do you mean by that?" And he goes, "Yeah,

3:22 as soon as a woman takes off her makeup and starts wearing sweatpants,

3:26 you know, it's over.

3:27 She's let herself go." And I looked at him incredulously.

3:31 I was like, "Buddy, you have one shirt that I've ever seen.

3:35 It's got a mustard stain on it.

3:37 Do you get to say that with a mustard stained shirt?

3:41 I feel like that's a two shirt minimum." That comment.

3:44 Here's the criteria.

3:45 If you want to ever tell a woman that she's let herself go,

3:50 this is how it has to be.

3:51 I come home from work at the end of the day,

3:53 you better be sitting there looking like the Monopoly man, right?

4:02 Full tuxedo, top hat, Monaco, cane, stacks of cash.

4:13 I actually I had a a new sexual encounter recently.

4:17 I did something I've never done before.

4:19 I hooked up with another amputee.

4:23 My own kind.

4:24 I did it.

4:26 I hooked up with another amputee.

4:27 Uh, so I got to see the other side of it.

4:30 I got to see what that's like.

4:32 Not great.

4:32 Not great.

4:33 Wasn't my favorite.

4:34 It was fine.

4:35 I was at a bar with this guy.

4:38 Uh, things were going well.

4:40 He was missing a hand.

4:42 Who am I to judge?

4:44 And he also, but the thing was he had a hook.

4:51 Red flag.

4:52 Right.

4:52 Right.

4:53 Red flag.

4:54 Why am I going home with urban legends?

5:00 You know, he also had a prosthetic leg.

5:03 I didn't mention this part of the story.

5:06 I do, too.

5:07 There's a lot happening here.

5:08 You're just going to have to stay with me, okay?

5:11 So, I brought him back to my apartment.

5:13 Things are good getting good.

5:14 Things are getting hot and heavy.

5:17 Clothes were coming off.

5:19 Limbs were coming off.

5:22 It was too much machinery.

5:24 That was the problem, right?

5:25 His hook goes flying.

5:27 That's one thing.

5:28 We're making out.

5:29 Our fake legs are clanking against each other.

5:32 I'm like, what's happening right now?

5:34 Are we becoming a transformer?

5:36 You guys, thank you so much.

5:41 I'm Courtney Gilmore.

5:43 Thank you.