Am I The Asshole? (Part 6)

0:00 Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.

0:01 Today, we're hopping right back into it.

0:03 Am I the[ __] Man, I love doing this.

0:06 Let's go.

0:07 Am I the[ __] for connecting to the AirPod after my niece

0:10 swallowed it to see if it would play in her stomach?

0:13 [laughter] My My immediate answer is no.

0:16 When my three-year-old niece swallowed my sister's left AirPod,

0:19 everyone started worrying right away.

0:20 I was trying to lighten the situation,

0:22 so I connected the AirPod to my phone and put

0:24 my ear on her stomach to check if I could hear it.

0:27 Surprisingly, I actually did hear a little sound coming from inside

0:30 her, which made the moment a bit funny for me.

0:32 But the people didn't really but the people

0:33 around us didn't really find it amusing.

0:35 They all looked at me like I wasn't taking things seriously at all.

0:37 I mean, you weren't.

0:39 All right.

0:39 There's a child who has swallowed a an electronic device.

0:43 I don't really know what happens.

0:45 I don't imagine an AirPod could do that much damage.

0:47 I do think this is a normal thing to do, though.

0:50 Like, I do think that for a second, you got to be like,

0:52 "All right, let's see if we could hear the digestive tract right now." or track.

0:57 I don't know which one it is, but whatever it is, you know, hers is banged up.

1:01 I think you're a bit of an[ __] for sure,

1:03 but you're you're definitely, you know, curious.

1:05 We're all curious.

1:07 Can we hear anything?

1:08 You know, am I the[ __] for walking out of the restaurant and leaving my friend?

1:11 Oo, depends.

1:12 I can't wait to hear this.

1:13 My girlfriends and I went to a restaurant two days ago,

1:16 and I was the designated driver.

1:18 When the food came, I went to take a picture of my plate,

1:20 and before I could even take the picture,

1:21 one of them used her fork and stirred up my food.

1:24 I got upset and asked her why she would do

1:26 that and she told me it was cringe to take pictures of food.

1:30 I could tell the other girls were uncomfortable but no one stood up for me.

1:33 All I wanted was a damn pick because the plate was presented beautifully.

1:36 I got upset and just walked out

1:38 of the restaurant and drove home leaving them behind.

1:40 When I got home, I asked who paid for my meal and zelled her the cost.

1:43 They started texting me that it was just a joke and that I was immature

1:46 and that it was wrong of me to leave

1:48 them be behind considering I was the designated driver.

1:50 Am I the[ __] Kind of.

1:52 I don't know.

1:53 Like, h it's a little dramatic for me, you know?

1:56 Does it mean that much?

1:58 All I wanted was a picture of the food.

2:00 What?

2:00 That's it?

2:01 You wanted that?

2:02 That's it?

2:02 That's all you wanted?

2:03 You didn't want to have fun time friend with friends?

2:05 You know what I mean?

2:05 And I get it when people Oh, here's a prank.

2:08 Maybe, you know, slap them around a little bit or something like that.

2:11 You know, emotionally, not physically, unless no one's looking.

2:14 I I don't think it's a big deal for your friend to stick their fork in and go,

2:19 you know, you can't get a picture, whatever.

2:20 Like, I don't think that's the end of the of the world.

2:22 I think it's a little weird that you like are that upset

2:24 that you're going to get up and walk the[ __] out of there.

2:25 That's a little strange.

2:26 I mean, are your is your friend a[ __][ __] Yeah.

2:29 And are you being a little bit of A DRAMATIC CRYBABY?

2:32 YEAH.

2:33 BUT THOSE ARE, you know, offsetting penalties there.

2:35 So, just move forward with the dinner.

2:37 You know, we kind of forget about that.

2:38 This is a little crazy.

2:40 Greg brings up a good point.

2:41 Was this like a really nice restaurant or is she doing this at Olive Garden?

2:45 Because what are you taking a picture of anyway?

2:47 They're spitting in that food,[ __] in the clam chowder.

2:50 We've all heard the rumors.

2:51 Okay, unlimited bread sticks.

2:53 Talk about giving unlimited of the one thing

2:55 no one gives a[ __] about at this place.

2:58 What?

2:58 You care about bread sticks?

2:59 Everyone's favorite dish at Olive Garden is the bread sticks.

3:02 That's how you know that place sucks.

3:03 Am I the[ __] for telling my dad I could beat him up?

3:05 Oh my god.

3:06 I remember saying this to my dad.

3:08 I swear to God, my my dad Well, it didn't really go down like this.

3:11 My dad was like, "Let me ask you a question.

3:13 If I hit you in the face,

3:15 would you hit me back?" And I literally was like, "Are you an idiot?

3:19 I would blast you with the power of a thousand sons.

3:22 And he's like, are you kidding me?

3:25 [laughter] It blew his mind.

3:27 He's like, if my father hit me, I would never hit him back.

3:30 And I was like, welcome to now, though.

3:32 If you punched me in the face, it's on, dude.

3:34 My dad is 69 years old and I'm 34 years old.

3:36 He was recently helping me move into a new apartment.

3:39 You made your 70-year-old dad help you move?

3:42 Hire a moving company.

3:43 You're 35.

3:44 He passed a comment along the lines of, "I

3:46 just wish you weren't pissing money away renting a prison

3:49 cell when you could buy a house instead." [laughter]

3:52 That's always going to get the millennials turnted up.

3:55 All right.

3:56 Anytime the boomers say something like,

3:58 "Why don't you just buy a house and stop?

4:00 You're pissing away." Yeah, how about I suck you, Dad?

4:04 He's made comments like this in the past, and I've always held back,

4:06 but this time I turned to him and I said, "I could knock you out right now.

4:10 I could kick your ass and there is nothing you can do about it.

4:14 I could put you in the ground forever.

4:16 Hold on.

4:18 [laughter] Let's pause the video for a second here.

4:21 This started as a fun thing.

4:23 You making three comments, not one, not two,

4:26 three comments about how and they progressively got crazier.

4:30 I could knock you out.

4:31 Sure, you're 35.

4:32 I'm 70.

4:33 You probably could get one on me.

4:34 Then was the next one?

4:35 There's nothing you could do about it.

4:37 All right, now we're getting a little Now it's seeming a little real.

4:40 Then you say I could put you in the ground forever because this guy was like,

4:43 "You probably should buy instead of rent." You're like,

4:45 "I could literally kill you.

4:47 I How about I kill you, Dad?" It's[ __] a wild overreaction.

4:52 Me and my dad were kind of just like like, "Yo, if I hit you,

4:54 what would you do?" I'd be I'd[ __] knock your block off.

4:56 You know, I wasn't like I would[ __] just split you in half and drain the blood.

5:02 I would hang you above the bathtub AND LET THE BLOOD DRAIN OUT LIKE a pig

5:06 and then I'd kill like you know like I'm not going into detail like you.

5:09 This is crazy dude.

5:10 He got very upset and left and things have been weird between us since.

5:14 Yeah, man.

5:14 You threatened to [laughter] kill.

5:17 Am I the[ __] for this?

5:18 I feel like his comments were very uncalled

5:20 for and I've let it slide for too long.

5:22 He doesn't understand how difficult the current housing MARKET IS.

5:24 OH NO, YOU'RE DOING IT.

5:27 DON'T TALK TO US ABOUT THE HOUSING MARKET, DUDE.

5:29 Don't get me[ __] started.

5:30 I understand when you were[ __] 21,

5:34 you had a sports car and you bought a house for $10,000,

5:38 but it ain't in the cards anymore.

5:40 All right, pop.

5:41 So, shut the[ __] up.

5:42 I've had a job since I was 16 years old that I can't afford a house.

5:46 Things are different now.

5:48 Look at any of THE CHARTS.

5:49 PUT ON MSNBC or whatever.

5:52 MC, all the CNMs, all the charts are doing this.

5:55 It's bad out there.

5:56 [laughter] I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

5:58 IT SAYS HE PROBABLY BOUGHT HIS HOUSE FOR LIKE 10 GRAND back in the day.

6:01 I didn't even see that till now.

6:03 That's crazy.

6:03 Am I the[ __] for jerking off to my roommate's girlfriend?

6:07 What?

6:07 Yeah.

6:08 What?

6:08 That's what?

6:09 [laughter] Why are you asking?

6:11 How do you not know that?

6:12 I've only done this twice.

6:14 What?

6:15 [laughter] Only twice?

6:16 Hey bud, more than none is a lot.

6:19 I've only done this twice and I will try to stop myself from doing this again.

6:22 What is happening here?

6:23 This feels like an addiction now.

6:25 Okay, I will try to stop myself from doing this again.

6:27 What are you, a werewolf, dude?

6:28 I will try not to.

6:29 Don't look at me.

6:30 Sometimes I hear my roommate and his girl having sex in the next room.

6:33 They try to be pretty quiet, but the walls are pretty thin.

6:35 I've never jed it while they were doing it,

6:38 so that feels like crossing a line for sure.

6:41 I love how there's a moral compass here.

6:43 Every man has a code.

6:44 I'll beat it to my roommate's girlfriend,

6:46 but I won't do it while they're doing it.

6:48 I'm not weird.

6:49 I'm not strange.

6:50 There have been two occasions where I pulled up her Instagram and Jed it.

6:54 Oh my god.

6:55 She's hot and she's nice to me.

6:57 [laughter] So, it feels like this dirty little secret.

7:00 I should probably stop, but I don't know.

7:02 Maybe this is normal for people.

7:03 It ain't, Chief.

7:04 I don't think that's normal.

7:05 At least I hope not.

7:07 I really hope it's not cuz that's strange to me.

7:10 Uh, you're definitely crossing a line.

7:12 I would say doing it while they're, you know, in the act.

7:14 Also crossing a line.

7:16 Uh, but multiple lines have been crossed here and you have

7:18 your your lines crossed and you need to uncross them and, you know,

7:22 maybe sit on your hands for a little bit.

7:23 Am I the[ __] for telling a first date their kink was weird.

7:26 First date and we're already on kinks.

7:28 This move[ __] fast.

7:29 I'm pretty open to sexual kinks and experimenting.

7:32 I've let a girl peg me once.

7:33 Hello.

7:34 I've dripped candle wax and been tied up and all that good stuff.

7:37 I have a pretty open mind.

7:39 I was on a Tinder date recently that was going really well and she

7:42 brought me back to her place before we were about to get freaky.

7:45 She gave me latex gloves and a stethoscope.

7:47 Bro, if that's me, I'd be terrified.

7:49 I like I thought I was coming back here

7:51 to have sex and now are we doing surgery, dude?

7:54 Am I have to give you a checkup?

7:56 What are we doing?

7:56 She said she wanted to roleplay that I was a doctor and she was a patient.

7:59 She was trying to make light of it like it was just a fun thing,

8:01 but it made me feel uncomfortable.

8:03 I said it kind of felt like non-consensual if I was a doctor,

8:07 like I was taking advantage of her.

8:08 She said I was thinking about it too much.

8:10 I said it was weird and she blew up at me saying no one should

8:13 ever kink shame or say a kink is weird and that I should communicate better.

8:16 Then she kicked me out.

8:17 Yeah.

8:18 No, this I mean she's the[ __] in this situation.

8:20 Okay, just because you have a kink doesn't mean people need to indulge in that.

8:25 You know, you're setting up your sexual boundary.

8:27 You're saying like, "Hey, I understand that you have this thing where

8:31 you want me to be a doctor who's like,

8:32 "Oh, I got to take a look." But you're not comfortable with that.

8:36 I love how he went straight to like this isn't the code of doctors.

8:40 [laughter] You know what I mean?

8:41 There's a patient doctor privilege and we're not this isn't by the code.

8:46 Like, I get that.

8:47 Like, but if you're feeling like this is not it

8:49 doesn't feel it feel it makes you feel strange and uncomfortable.

8:52 You're communicating that.

8:53 I don't know how how much better you

8:55 can communicate that by saying like, "Hey, you know,

8:57 I know you got this thing going on, but it

8:58 makes me a little uncomfortable." IF SHE'S LIKE, "WHOA,

9:00 KING SHAMING." BE LIKE, "BRO,

9:02 this is actually now we're getting into non-consensual

9:05 stuff." Because if you're saying that I'm king

9:07 shaming because you're trying to gaslight me into doing

9:11 something I'm not comfortable with, that's[ __] up.

9:13 This is the snake eating its own tail or the rabbit eating its own foot.

9:17 Whatever it is, she doesn't want to be

9:19 judged and doesn't want to be king shamed.

9:20 But now she's shaming you for not having a kink.

9:23 Can't have this.

9:24 Can't have this.

9:25 Can't have this.

9:26 So, you're not the[ __] She's the[ __] Way to set your boundaries.

9:29 All right.

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12:11 Am I the[ __] for telling friends and family I'm broke when they need money?

12:14 I've had several instances where friends

12:16 and family members borrowed money from me.

12:18 They either never paid it back or I had to really pressure them for the money.

12:22 The issue is they all knew I made good money and saved.

12:24 I started telling people I was tight when they would ask,

12:26 but they wouldn't believe me and kept harassing.

12:28 So, I opened up a new bank account and only

12:30 put $20 and funded it with just enough to cover bills,

12:34 groceries, so that the account always just had a few bucks in it.

12:37 Anytime someone asks, I show them this account.

12:39 And when they started asking where my money went,

12:41 I would say I developed a spending problem on alcohol, strip clubs, and casinos.

12:44 This is like a completely unnecessary like

12:48 thing that you're adding to the story.

12:50 You literally could could have been I I invested the money

12:53 and now I can't get like you could make up so much things.

12:55 You're like, actually, I'm a degenerate.

12:56 I I'm an alcoholic.

12:58 I, you know, I frequent strip clubs and uh casinos.

13:01 I like gambling as well.

13:03 You know, anything.

13:03 I've indulged in some I've bought a lot of guns.

13:06 That's what it was.

13:06 I spent all my money on guns.

13:07 And it's now gotten to the point where they are very worried about me.

13:10 But little do they know I'm doing great and have more saved than ever.

13:12 Am I the[ __] for this?

13:13 I don't think you're an[ __] as much as you are

13:15 like kind of a genius and an idiot at the same time.

13:18 If you don't want to do this and you feel like,

13:20 uh, there's no talking to these people.

13:22 They're not going to accept the fact that I don't want to lend them money.

13:24 That conversation's too tough.

13:26 I'm going to open up a bank account and put 400 bucks in it.

13:29 You're using that.

13:30 I mean, I think it was very unnecessary.

13:32 You could have made it anything.

13:33 You had the world at your fingertips and you chose

13:36 to make yourself an alcoholic who indulges in casinos and strip clubs.

13:40 Dude, what you're setting yourself up for here is

13:42 like you got to be really invested in the lie.

13:44 So, they're going to be like, "Oh,

13:45 we got to send you to AA." They're going to they're going to have

13:47 an intervention and you're going to have

13:49 to sit there and everyone's going to be like,

13:50 "We don't like the way that you've been.

13:52 You know, you've been doing it.

13:53 You've been down the wrong way.

13:54 Like, you got no more money." Yeah.

13:55 I would say you're a genius for the first part.

13:58 The second part, I would have gone a different route.

14:00 Am I an[ __] for being a dick to my daughter's boyfriend?

14:02 My daughter is 16 and in high school and recently started dating a guy.

14:05 __] this guy.

14:06 Okay.

14:07 16.

14:08 You're dating my daughter.

14:09 He hasn't necessarily done anything bad, but I just don't like how he looks.

14:13 He has a mullet and thinks he's so cool.

14:16 I heard him telling her once that he's not too worried about his future because

14:19 he's charismatic and good-looking and he knows he

14:22 will find his way and doors will open.

14:23 I want to knock this little[ __] down a peg.

14:26 I mean, that's a legitimate reason why not to like somebody.

14:29 You're like, "All right, bro." Like, this isn't the real world.

14:31 You got your mullet.

14:32 You're lucky it's in style now, but when I was a kid, THIS WAS WHITE TRASH.

14:36 THIS WAS HORRIBLE.

14:37 NO one liked this.

14:38 So, you just wait.

14:39 You wait until the mullet gets out of, you know what I mean?

14:42 Out of style.

14:43 You're just going to be another white trash guy with a mullet.

14:46 Not as charismatic.

14:47 Now, his parents don't let them hang out at their house,

14:49 so he can only come over to ours.

14:50 When he's over, I'll constantly ask him for help

14:52 with random tasks like taking things down from the attic.

14:54 When he's over with her, I'll start doing

14:56 loud housework or sawing things in the backyard.

15:00 He recently ate dinner over and I intentionally cooked such a gross meal.

15:04 I try to make their time in the house kind of miserable.

15:07 I sense my wife may be on to me,

15:08 but I do feel bad for my daughter because I can tell she's annoyed,

15:12 but I feel like I can save her from this douche.

15:14 It's one thing to be not thrilled with the dude that your daughter's dating.

15:18 It's a completely other thing to be like,

15:21 I'm gonna cook a gross meal and I'm gonna go

15:23 in the backyard and just start sawing[ __] in half.

15:27 Like, what are we doing here?

15:28 I mean, in this in this day and age,

15:31 I think that all you can really do with a 16-year-old

15:34 is kind of warn her about these types of guys.

15:38 You know, they think the mullet's going to last forever.

15:40 They're not thinking ahead.

15:41 You know what I mean?

15:42 You think he could he could skate off of his good looks.

15:45 It's not going to happen.

15:46 Okay?

15:46 It's not going to happen.

15:47 like you can only warn them about these types of things.

15:49 You can't really, you know, do this stuff.

15:51 I also think that I would rather my children spend time

15:55 at my house than somewhere else cuz I could keep an eye on them,

15:59 you know, make sure they're not getting into trouble.

16:01 I definitely don't want to make my house

16:02 a place where they don't feel comfortable or whatever.

16:06 I don't want to create a divide between me and my children.

16:08 I have none.

16:09 Where they're like, they can't talk to me, they won't understand, they want.

16:12 I think this is a bad route to go down.

16:14 I would I would rethink the strat.

16:16 Am I the[ __] for making my sister's gender

16:18 reveal cake gray because no one told me the gender?

16:21 It's not where I thought that was going.

16:22 I bake as a hobby and I'm actually pretty good at it.

16:25 My sister is pregnant and wanted me to make the cake for her gender reveal.

16:27 I asked her to send me the info so

16:29 I could prep the inside classic pink or blue filling.

16:32 She says, "Oh no, I want to be surprised too.

16:34 Someone will reach out with the gender." Well,

16:35 the deadline came and nobody ever reached out to me with the gender,

16:38 so I just made the entire cake gray inside and out.

16:41 It looked like a block of cement.

16:42 The reveal day comes.

16:43 They cut into it and it's just gray.

16:45 My sister and her husband are pissed.

16:46 She pulled me aside and asked, "Why did you make it gray?

16:48 That's so passive aggressive." I told her no one reached out with the gender,

16:51 so I had no data to work with.

16:52 My mom told me I embarrassed my sister and that I should have tried harder.

16:55 Am I the[ __] even if no one told me the gender?

16:58 Yeah, there's a very easy way to not do that.

17:01 Also, you making the outside gray is nuts.

17:05 It's just You know what you're doing.

17:06 Like, now you're being a[ __] You're going to make

17:08 the outside gray and make it look like a block of cement.

17:10 That's crazy.

17:11 All you have to do is reach out.

17:13 All you got to go is be like, "Hey, you know, no one reached out to me.

17:16 The thing's in a few days.

17:17 I don't even know what[ __] color to make this thing.

17:18 This is very easy to avoid." Even if you're going to go the route of like,

17:21 "I'm going to make this joke." Still dumb.

17:23 You make the outside gray.

17:25 The You make the most unappetizing piece of cake in the world.

17:28 You are an[ __] Am I the[ __]

17:29 for telling my friend she reached her max potential lookswise?

17:32 Are you out of your[ __] mind?

17:35 Are you outside of your brain with this?

17:38 How is this a question?

17:39 Am I Am I an[ __] for telling my friend she'll

17:42 never be as attractive as she was when she was younger?

17:45 Could that be Could that possibly be seen as mean in some way?

17:50 What an[ __] Do I even need to read this?

17:52 __] I have a friend and she's obsessed

17:53 with her looks and constantly trying to find new styles,

17:55 change her hair, new makeup.

17:57 It's kind of tiring how often she is trying to improve herself.

18:00 This person's[ __] miserable.

18:02 And you're jealous of your friend?

18:03 Oh my god, my friend's always trying to improve herself.

18:07 Who?

18:07 What kind of friend are you that that upsets you?

18:09 The other day I told her that I think she has maxed out on her looks.

18:12 Like she is as beautiful and as sexy as she could possibly be.

18:16 She told me that was extremely mean because

18:17 she doesn't feel that confident about her looks

18:19 and that I was basically saying she's like a 6 out of 10 at best.

18:22 I don't know.

18:22 I thought I was being nice.

18:24 Yeah, you probably thought a lot of stuff, but you're wrong, Betsy.

18:28 All right.

18:28 This doesn't sound good.

18:29 I mean, I get it's like you have a friend who's very

18:31 vain and they care about their looks a lot, blah blah blah.

18:33 If anything, that should tell you clearly someone's

18:35 dealing with that insecurity about their physical appearance.

18:39 I'm not going to throw fuel on the fire.

18:41 I think it's one thing to be like, "You are so beautiful.

18:44 You are beautiful.

18:45 Like, don't even worry about it." Blah, blah, blah.

18:47 You being like, "Hey, this is as good as it's going to get,[ __] So,

18:51 get comfy cuz it's all downhill from here.

18:54 You're going to be a pig soon enough." How do you think that is a compliment?

18:59 Come on.

18:59 Am I the[ __] for telling a potential employer the truth about my friend?

19:03 Ooh, mystery.

19:04 My friend put me down as a reference because we used to work at the same place.

19:07 The issue is she's pretty lazy.

19:09 I know for a fact she waited until the last

19:10 minute to work on projects when we would work together.

19:13 We live together and she doesn't keep her room clean.

19:15 And I always have to remind her to do the dishes and pick up after herself.

19:18 So, a potential employer called and I did list her good qualities,

19:21 but I also listed her flaws.

19:23 She thought she was a shoe in for the job, but she ended up not getting the job.

19:26 And I do think that it could be

19:27 a good lesson for her to work harder going forward.

19:30 You're a[ __] dweeb, bro.

19:33 What are you?

19:33 Are you insane?

19:35 Who are you?

19:37 That you're her roommate being like, "Oh, you know what?

19:40 You're going to get a job.

19:41 I'm going to teach you a lesson." Okay.

19:43 Cuz you don't do the dishes and you don't It's a Who

19:47 does People go through phases in their life where like they,

19:51 you know, they have an apartment.

19:52 It's like your first apartment.

19:54 It's like, "Yeah, the dishes pile up sometimes.

19:55 I don't always keep my room the cleanest

19:57 or whatever the[ __] You're a ch you're a kid.

20:00 You're a person.

20:00 Do you think the appropriate course of action is like

20:02 I'm going to take away money out of your pocket.

20:05 I'm going to take a job away.

20:06 She puts you down as a reference and you're going to go Yeah.

20:09 No, she's great.

20:09 She's organiz She's, you know, she's she does not do the dishes, though.

20:13 She's not someone who you can count on.

20:15 She What do you think was going to happen?

20:17 You are a piece of[ __] Not only are you an[ __] but you

20:19 are the piece of[ __] that comes out of the[ __] You are both.

20:22 Congratulations.

20:23 That's a horrible thing to do.

20:25 That is a crazy thing to do.

20:26 If I put you down as a reference, just go with the hits.

20:28 Don't tell them bad things.

20:29 If they really push for a bad thing, you say,

20:31 "He's a perfectionist." You know, he works too hard sometimes.

20:35 You know, this is where you lie in your life.

20:37 This is called being a friend.

20:39 This is craziness.

20:40 Well, there you have it, folks.

20:41 We got two solid[ __] there at the end in this uh in this video.

20:46 I don't know why I did that, but what a what an amazing video.

20:49 Um, thank you so much for everyone for getting to uh this part of the video.

20:52 Don't forget to subscribe.

20:54 We will see you next