Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open - SNL

0:04 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

0:08 GOOD EVENING.

0:09 GOOD EVENING.

0:10 I'M CHRIS WALLACE.

0:11 AND WELCOME TO THE THIRD AND FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

0:15 TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE THE THIRD "LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIE.

0:20 YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO WATCH, BUT HEY, YOU'VE COME THIS FAR.

0:25 NOW LET'S WELCOME THE CANDIDATES.

0:28 DONALD J.

0:28 TRUMP AND SECRETARY HILLARY CLINTON.

0:31 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

0:41 HELLO, CHRIS.

0:46 THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

0:47 IN THE FIRST DEBATE, I SET THE TABLE.

0:50 IN THE SECOND DEBATE, I FIRED UP THE GRILL.

0:55 AND TONIGHT, I FEAST.

1:01 CHRIS, I'M GOING TO START THIS DEBATE IN THE QUIETEST VOICE POSSIBLE.

1:05 IN THE PAST, I HAVE BEEN BIG AND LOUD.

1:09 BUT TONIGHT, I AM A SWEET LITTLE BABY TRUMP.

1:14 THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

1:17 OUR FIRST QUESTION IS FOR YOU AND IT IS ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS—

1:22 THEY'RE RIPPING BABIES OUT OF VAGINAS!

1:27 LISTEN, CHRIS.

1:31 I'M GLAD YOU RAISED THIS TOPIC BECAUSE WHAT TWO

1:34 BETTER PEOPLE ARE THERE TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN'S ISSUES?

1:38 ME, A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD A CHILD AND HAS TAKEN BIRTH CONTROL.

1:42 AND HIM, A MAN WHO IS A CHILD AND WHOSE FACE IS BIRTH CONTROL.

1:50 LAUGHTER][ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND WE'RE OFF TO THE RACES.

1:54 LET'S TALK IMMIGRATION.

1:55 MR.

1:55 TRUMP, WHY ARE YOUR IMMIGRATION POLICIES BETTER THAN SECRETARY CLINTON'S?

2:00 BECAUSE SHE WANTS OPEN BORDERS AND THAT IS CRAZY.

2:03 I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE JUST POURING INTO THIS COUNTRY

2:06 FROM MEXICO AND A LOT OF THEM ARE VERY BAD HOMBRES.

2:11 OH, BINGO, BINGO, I GOT BINGO!

2:14 LAUGHTER] I'VE BEEN PLAYING ALL YEAR AND I GOT IT.

2:18 BAD HOMBRES, RAPISTS, MISS PIGGY, THEY'RE ALL LIVING IN HELL,

2:24 EXAMINE AND IF SHE WASN'T MY DAUGHTER.

2:29 LAUGHTER]

2:30 CONGRATULATIONS, SECRETARY CLINTON.

2:31 MR.

2:31 TRUMP, PLEASE CONTINUE.

2:32 I HAVE A FANTASTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH MEXICO.

2:34 I HAVE PERSONALLY MET WITH THE MEXICAN PRESIDENT,

2:37 I FORGET HIS NAME, I THINK IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE MR.

2:43 GUACAMOLE.

2:44 I'M SORRY, EXCUSE ME.

2:46 SENOR GUACAMOLE.

2:48 I ALSO MET HEREWITH BEAUTIFUL WIFE TEQUITA.

2:52 AND THEIR TWIN CHILDREN CHIPS AND SALSA.

2:57 CHRIS, HERE IS THE TRUTH.

2:58 DONALD SAID HE WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH ON MEXICO,

3:01 BUT WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRESIDENT, HE CHOKED.

3:04 WRONG.

3:05 TRADEMARKED.

3:06 HE SAID HE'S GOING TO BE TOUGH ON RUSSIA BUT HE'S BASICALLY PUTIN'S PUPPET.

3:10 LIAR, TRADEMARK.

3:12 HE'S PROMISED TO ARE TOUGH ON ISIS BUT HE'S NEVER EXPLAINED HOW.

3:15 THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.

3:17 HIRES EXACTLY WHAT I'LL DO.

3:19 FIRST OFF SNIFF MOSUL IS SAD SNIFF AND WE'RE GOING

3:23 AFTER MOSUL BECAUSE ISIS IS IN MOSUL BUT SHE CREATED ISIS.

3:27 SNIFF IRAN SHOULD WRITE US A LETTER OF THANK YOU

3:29 BECAUSE IRAN IS TAKING IRAQ AND WE'RE GOING TO MOSUL

3:32 AND IRAN'S GOING TO WRITE US A LETTER OF LISTEN

3:36 ALEPPO IS A DISASTER AND IRAN IS IRAQ SNIFF AND ISIS— MR.

3:42 TRUMP, WE HAVE TO MOVE ON.

3:44 OH THANK GOD.

3:47 LAUGHTER] I DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD TELL

3:49 BUT I WAS REALLY SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.

3:51 SECRETARY CLINTON, NOW,

3:53 I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT AN ONGOING ISSUE FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN.

3:58 WIKILEAKS HAS BEEN RELEASING YOUR CAMPAIGN E-MAILS,

4:00 MANY OF WHICH RAISE SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS.

4:04 THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP MY E-MAILS, CHRIS.

4:06 AND I'M VERY HAPPY TO CLARIFY WHAT WAS IN SOME OF THEM.

4:11 SORRY, WHAT, CAROL?

4:12 WHAT?

4:13 I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT I HEARD MY FRIEND CAROL.

4:15 ANYWAY, BACK TO YOUR QUESTION ABOUT THE WAY DONALD TREATS WOMEN.

4:20 LAUGHTER] AND THAT IS HOW YOU BY VOT.

4:25 PIVOT.

4:26 LAUGHTER] SO YOU'RE JUST NEVER GOING TO ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR E-MAILS.

4:36 NO, BUT IT WAS VERY CUTE TO WATCH YOU TRY.

4:39 NOW MR.

4:40 TRUMP, IN THE LAST WEEK, 11 WOMEN ACCUSE YOU OF SEXUALLY ASSAULTING THEM.

4:44 DO YOU STILL DENY EACH OF THOSE CLAIMS?

4:48 CHRIS, OF COURSE I DO.

4:49 I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

4:51 I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

4:54 NOBODY HAS MORE RESPECT FOR WOMEN THAN I DO.

5:03 LAUGHTER]

5:07 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.

5:11 SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN, ENTIRE PLANET, SETTLE DOWN.

5:14 OUR NEXT QUESTION IS ABOUT THE ECONOMY.

5:17 MR.

5:17 TRUMP, WHY ARE YOU BETTER EQUIPPED THAN SECRETARY CLINTON TO FIX THE ECONOMY?

5:22 BECAUSE HILLARY HAS NO IDEA HOW TO FIX ANYTHING.

5:25 IF SHE DID SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

5:27 I MEAN, WHAT HAS SHE BEEN DOING—

5:30 DONALD, NO, NO, DONALD, DON'T SET HER UP—

5:33 I'D BE HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT THE LAST 30 YEARS.

5:36 OH, NO.

5:37 NOT AGAIN.

5:37 BACK IN THE 1970s, I WORKED FOR THE CHILDREN'S DEFENSE FUND.

5:41 YES, YES, WE KNOW.

5:43 I WAS A SENATOR IN NEW YORK ON 9/11.

5:46 YEAH, WE GET IT.

5:47 AND I WAS SECRETARY OF STATE AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS BEFORE—

5:50 WE HAVE.

5:51 BUT I WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN TAKING DOWN A MAN BY THE NAME OF—

5:55 OSAMA BIN LADEN.

5:57 OSAMA!

5:57 BIN!

5:59 LADEN!

6:02 LAUGHTER][ APPLAUSE]

6:07 WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS, SECRETARY.

6:12 CHRIS, SHE CAN BRAG ABOUT HER RESUME BUT I'M

6:14 THE ONE WHO'S GOT ALL THE HEAVY HITTERS SUPPORTING ME.

6:18 I MEAN, I HAVE GOT THE CREAM OF THE CROP.

6:21 I'VE GOT SARAH PALIN.

6:24 I'VE GOT CHACHI.

6:27 GET THIS I'VE EVEN GOT THE BEST BALDWIN BROTHER, STEPHEN BALDWIN.

6:31 LAUGHTER][ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SECRETARY CLINTON.

6:40 SECRETARY CLINTON, LET'S MOVE ON TO ENTITLEMENTS.

6:42 WILL YOU RAISE TAXES TO SAVE PROGRAMS LIKE SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE?

6:47 YES, BUT ONLY ON THE VERY WEALTHY.

6:50 FOR EXAMPLE, MY CONTRIBUTIONS WILL GO UP AS WILL DONALD'S,

6:53 ASSUMING HE DOESN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET OUT OF THAT—

6:57 SUCH A NASTY WOMAN.

6:59 WHOA, WHOA, MR.

6:59 TRUMP.

7:00 MR.

7:00 TRUMP, THAT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE TO SECRETARY CLINTON.

7:03 THANK YOU, CHRIS.

7:05 THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF LANGUAGE THAT HAS POISONED AND DEBASED THIS ELECTION.

7:10 AND IF YOU AGREE, GO TO HILLARYCLINTON.COM

7:13 AND BUY A LIMITED EDITION NASTY WOMAN MUG.

7:19 LAUGHTER] NOW WE HAVE TO TURN TO THE BIG STORY OF THE WEEK.

7:23 MR.

7:23 TRUMP, IT HAS BECOME VERY CLEAR THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO LOSE.

7:31 CORRECT.

7:32 LAUGHTER]

7:34 NOW, WHEN YOU DO, WILL YOU ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION?

7:38 I WILL LOOK AT IT AT THE TIME.

7:39 BECAUSE FRANKLY THIS WHOLE THING IS RIGGED.

7:42 EVEN THE MEDIA.

7:44 EVERY DAY I TURN ON THE NEWS AND ALL

7:46 OF THE NEWSCASTERS ARE MAKING ME LOOK SO BAD.

7:50 AND HOW ARE WE DOING THAT?

7:52 BY TAKING ALL OF THE THINGS I SAY AND ALL

7:54 OF THE THINGS I DO AND PUTTING THEM ON TV.

7:59 LAUGHTER] DONALD, LISTEN, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, BUDDY.

8:02 SO REPEAT AFTER ME.

8:04 I, DONALD TRUMP— I, THE BEST-EVER DONALD TRUMP.

8:09 PROMISE TO ACCEPT— PROMISE TO ACCEPT.

8:12 THE RESULTS OF THIS ELECTION.

8:14 THE RESULTS OF THIS ELECTION.

8:15 FY WIN.

8:17 GOT YOU, LOSER, TRADEMARK.

8:20 LAUGHTER] CHRIS WHAT HE HAS JUST SAID IS HORRIFYING.

8:23 AND THAT'S WHY AMERICANS HAVE AN IMPORTANT DECISION TO MAKE.

8:26 BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, WHO DO YOU TRUST TO BE YOUR PRESIDENT?

8:30 THE REPUBLICAN OR DONALD TRUMP?

8:32 LAUGHTER] THANK YOU, SECRETARY.

8:36 NOW, WE ARE ALMOST OUT OF TIME—

8:38 WE ARE?

8:39 OH, NO.

8:39 LET ME JUST MAKE SURE THAT I SAID EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED TO SAY.

8:43 OKAY, I'M GOOD.

8:47 I'M GOOD.

8:48 NOW BEFORE WE CONCLUDE,

8:50 YOU EACH WILL HAVE ONE MINUTE FOR YOUR CLOSING STATEMENTS.

8:52 MR.

8:53 TRUMP, WE'LL START WITH YOU.

8:55 THANK YOU, CHRIS.

8:56 THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY SUPPORTERS.

8:58 BECAUSE OF YOU, I AM WINNING IN EVERY

9:01 SINGLE POLL TAKEN OUTSIDE OF A CRACKER BARREL.

9:07 SECRETARY CLINTON.

9:10 LISTEN, AMERICA.

9:11 DONALD TRUMP CANNOT BE PRESIDENT.

9:13 HE WOULD BE A DISASTER.

9:15 A FAILURE.

9:16 A COMPLETE "F." AND AMERICA, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN AN "F." SO ON NOVEMBER 8th,

9:22 VOTE FOR ME AND I PROMISE I WILL BE A STONE-COLD "B."[ LAUGHTER]

9:31 THEN ON NOVEMBER 9th, MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT TRUMP TV, YOU'RE GOING TO HATE IT.

9:35 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!