Why Ron Swanson is the Perfect 007... | Parks and Recreation

0:00 This is a pretty sweet-ass gun.

0:04 You want me to JUST POWDER YOU?

0:09 I'M RON SWANSON.

0:11 GOING TO DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR form here.

0:13 Ron, you redacted all the information.

0:16 some of them.

0:17 For date of birth, you wrote springtime.

0:19 Which is true.

0:20 Everything you write down is confidential.

0:22 We need you to give real answers.

0:24 Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is.

0:27 He's even had it redacted on all government documents.

0:30 3 years of investigations, phone calls,

0:33 Freedom of Information Act requests, and still I had nothing.

0:38 Nope, follow me.

0:39 Just 1 second.

0:40 Now.

0:40 RON, HEY.

0:41 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

0:42 RON, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN.

0:43 WHAT'S GOING ON?

0:44 My ex-wife Tammy is back.

0:46 Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.

0:47 No, my other ex-wife Tammy, Tammy 1.

0:50 I have accrued 228 personal days.

0:52 Starting right now, I'm using all of them.

0:56 While I'm gone, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

1:03 ALSO, I KEEP A SIZABLE SUPPLY OF ground chuck in my desk.

1:07 Remove it or it will begin to smell.

1:10 Godspeed.

1:15 Mr.

1:16 DUKE SILVER.

1:18 [cheering] A SMOOTH and silky evening to you all.

1:24 On nights like this, when the cold winds blow

1:26 and the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dreams, [music]

1:31 come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.

1:40 So, we need to find proof of every tax deduction I've taken in the last 5 years.

1:45 Ron, most of these aren't even receipts.

1:47 This one says I bought supplies 2007.

1:50 You won't find any bank statements, either.

1:53 I've heavily invested in gold,

1:54 which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee.

1:59 Or have I?

2:00 I'm not interested in caring about people.

2:03 I once worked with a guy for 3 years and never learned his name.

2:07 Best friend I ever had.

2:10 We still never talk sometimes.

2:12 They finally cleaned up the vomit.

2:14 I found the towel.

2:15 I forgot about the towel.

2:16 So did we.

2:17 Crazy, right?

2:18 This story is awesome.

2:20 Indeed.

2:20 Thank you for sharing, Jenny.

2:25 Ann was getting a little chummy.

2:27 When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name

2:32 to let them know I don't really care about them.

2:34 My name is Ronald Ulysses Swanson.

2:38 Your job and mine is to walk this land and make sure no one harms it.

2:44 If you show up on time, speak honestly,

2:47 and treat everyone with fairness, we will get along just fine.

2:51 Though hopefully not too fine, as I'm not looking for any new friends.

2:55 End of speech.

2:57 Here comes the booth.

2:59 I'll dressed in booth.

3:01 Booth Leslie, nope.

3:03 Booth.

3:04 Booth.

3:05 Booth.

3:06 Booth.

3:06 Dude, what are you doing?

3:08 I'm being awesome.

3:09 Booth.

3:10 Booth Leslie, booth.

3:12 My friend, I don't think you understand what a bad idea this is.

3:15 I don't think you understand that I would have got a cut

3:17 of that new punch burger if she hadn't screwed everything up, so.

3:21 Sorry, guys.

3:22 This wedding is canceled cuz the bride is a bee hole.

3:25 Oh, hey.

3:26 Check this out.

3:27 Stink bomb.

3:28 Who knows what that does?

3:29 OH.

3:32 STINK BOMB, ARE YOU JOKING?

3:34 Oh my god, where did you even get a stink bomb?

3:37 Amazon, baby, that's how.

3:38 You are looking at a prime customer, everybody.

3:41 2 days free shipping for this guy.

3:43 LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED WITH ANOTHER ONE, GANG.

3:48 NO.

3:49 IT'S TERRIBLE, JERRY.

3:49 YOU DO the wedding.

3:50 Who cares?

3:51 Come on, man.

3:51 Just go home.

3:53 And who's going to make me?

3:55 It's your wedding day.

3:57 I'll handle this.

3:58 Here comes the bride.

4:00 Time to go, sir.

4:01 No.

4:02 Hey, get off me.

4:03 What the hell, man?

4:04 Don't you touch me.

4:06 I'll give you that one.

4:08 But if you do it again, Oh, if I do what again?

4:10 What?

4:10 Kick your ass?

4:11 Is that what you like?

4:12 You want me to JUST POWDER YOU?

4:17 YAY, BEST WEDDING EVER.

4:20 NutriShums energy bars are just absolutely loaded

4:23 with high fructose corn syrup and fatty oils.

4:26 And anyway you slice it, they're just extremely unhealthy for you.

4:30 Leslie needs to butt out.

4:31 The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage,

4:35 balloon up to 600 lb, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can.

4:39 You are free to do so.

4:41 To me, that's beautiful.

4:44 Go ahead, Ron.

4:44 Let me have it.

4:45 Oh, wait.

4:46 I'll do it for you.

4:47 I told you so, Leslie.

4:49 This is what happens when the government interferes with business.

4:51 Government is bad.

4:52 Business is good.

4:53 Free market.

4:53 Who who Capitalism is the only way, Leslie.

4:57 It moves our country forward.

4:59 It's what makes America great and England okay and France terrible.

5:04 Ready?

5:05 I was born ready.

5:09 I'm Ron Swanson.

5:14 No.

5:17 Ron.

5:18 What are you doing here?

5:21 Running away from my problems.

5:23 Come on in.

5:28 This is a pretty sweet-ass gun.

5:37 Oh god.

5:37 Come on, come on, come on.

5:38 Now, that's what I call shooting.

5:40 That's a new record.

5:41 Hey, look at that.

5:43 You finally made it in the top 10.

5:50 OH GOD.

5:55 LINDA, DO YOU ENJOY LAND KAYAKING?

5:57 IT'S QUITE FUN.

5:58 WELL, it's more grueling than fun, but I would love to take you.

6:02 I'm really flattered, but I just got out of a relationship and I think

6:06 I need a little more time before I jump into anything.

6:09 Of course, I understand.

6:10 Sorry.

6:11 I appreciate your caution.

6:13 Thank you.

6:13 I hope to see you again.

6:15 Goodbye, everyone.

6:16 Anybody want to go to JJ's for some after-dinner omelets?

6:21 Or how about you and I go back to my place?

6:23 Yes.

6:26 Any luck?

6:27 Nope.

6:28 Didn't work out as well as I thought it would.

6:30 No.

6:31 Better luck next time.

6:32 I tried.

6:33 Just doesn't seem like Wow, I love that hat.

6:36 Thank you, ma'am.

6:41 Uh-oh.

6:42 Check it out.

6:44 Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods.

6:51 Oh god.

6:53 What?

6:53 Who's that?

6:55 That is my ex-wife.

7:02 HEY, SWANSON.

7:04 SNAP OUT OF IT.

7:06 LESLIE, congratulate us.

7:10 Ron's got one just like it on his penis.

7:13 Every time another department asks for more money,

7:15 he just stares them down until they back off and or wet themselves.

7:23 I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster,

7:26 an old Underwood 5 with original carriage return.

7:31 Ah.

7:32 Took her home, polished her up,

7:35 bought a brand new ribbon off of electronicbay.com.

7:39 Okay, somebody's got to do something.

7:41 I'm getting a cluster headache.

7:44 Oh, whoa, whoa.

7:44 He's leaving.

7:46 Let's go.

7:47 I'm going to throw it away.

7:50 No, I'm not.

7:51 It weighs a billion tons.

7:52 What is he typing, anyway?

7:53 If you sons of try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you.

7:57 Mom, you're going back to the farm.

8:01 And you, Mhm.

8:02 you're going back to hell.

8:03 Fine.

8:04 I got what I came for, anyway.

8:06 I found your underground safe.

8:07 I stole half your gold.

8:09 That's decoy gold.

8:11 You think I'd leave my gold in a locked

8:12 safe buried underground where anyone could find it?

8:16 You don't know me at all.

8:17 On principle, I never say anything that another

8:20 person is obviously trying to get me to say.

8:23 My first wedding ceremony took 2 hours because after the priest said,

8:27 "Repeat after me," I fell silent.

8:41 Where the hell are you sending me, Nope?

8:44 Here you go, lane eight.

8:46 No, lane 22, the one at the very end.

8:56 Son of a Hey, perfect game.

9:13 What's your name?

9:14 Put it up on the wall.

9:15 I was never here.

9:17 And you will never speak of this again.

9:19 Ron Swanson will be next.

9:21 When it comes to government hearings,

9:23 the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one.

9:27 That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.

9:34 Were you aware that all of the entertainment

9:36 and food was provided by Rex Center teachers?

9:38 Would I have stayed if I knew that?

9:41 I don't know.

9:41 Would you have?

9:42 Would you have?

9:44 No, I wouldn't have.

9:45 Did you hear Leslie make any promises?

9:48 What constitutes a promise?

9:50 A quid pro quo.

9:52 Oh, do you know Latin?

9:54 Okay.

9:55 Thank you, Ron.

9:57 Are we done?

9:58 Excuse me.

10:00 There's a sign at Ramsett Park that says do not drink the sprinkler water,

10:04 so I made sun tea with it and now I have an infection.

10:07 Sir?

10:09 Sir, are are you are you are you listening to me, sir?

10:12 Sir, I'm talking to you.

10:15 Sir.

10:16 Sir, are you aware that there is waste in your water system?

10:23 Zoe broke my tiara.

10:25 We both have the same tiara and now she has one and I don't.

10:28 Okay.

10:29 mean to.

10:30 I mean Okay, well, let's let's just even things out.

10:34 There.

10:34 Now neither of you has a tiara.

10:36 Problem solved.

10:38 [crying and screaming] Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse,

10:44 the best damn steakhouse in the damn state.

10:47 I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.

10:51 June 2004, porterhouse, medium rare, béarnaise sauce.

10:55 January 2000, they call this one the enforcer.

10:58 February '96, the steak, ribeye.

11:02 The whiskey, Lagavulin 16.

11:04 The lady next to me, a Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy.

11:09 Okay, this is this is the first time I ever went there.

11:13 Look at me.

11:14 Just a kid.

11:16 At this very moment,

11:17 Leslie is throwing herself in front of a freight train named Tammy.

11:22 For me and you.

11:24 Leslie is a wonderful loyal friend who is very important in my life,

11:28 but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us.

11:33 Although, if you'd like to visit Europe,

11:36 I like you so much I'd be willing to risk it.

11:39 But not France, right?

11:41 God, no.

11:45 See, you know me pretty well already.

11:47 But you're about to get to know me even better.

11:50 I brought you here because I want to show

11:52 you something that almost no one knows about.

11:55 Certainly not Tammy and not even Leslie Knope.

11:58 Ladies and gentlemen, and especially the ladies,

12:02 put your hands together for the one, the only, my man, MR.

12:07 DUKE SILVER.

12:09 [cheering] [applause] A MIGHTY FINE HOLIDAY evening to you all.

12:16 It might be cold outside, but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz.

12:22 I, of course, am Duke Silver.

12:25 And I would like to dedicate this first song to my duchess.

12:35 [music] You're so lucky.

12:38 I'm going to kill you.

12:41 Go to Google Earth and type in your address.

12:52 It is my pleasure to inform you that you

12:55 are a finalist for the job of assistant city manager.

12:59 Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do

13:01 not believe that the position or the entire government should exist.

13:05 That said, you'd be a fool not to pick me.

13:08 I will walk deeper into the belly of the beast

13:10 if it means I'm able to further limit reckless government spending.

13:14 I mean, I have so many ideas.

13:16 Some are simple like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office.

13:21 The bigger ones will be tougher like bring all of this crumbling to the ground.

13:27 Tomato sauce.

13:29 Rontanamo Bay.

13:31 Do be seated.

13:33 And congratulate me.

13:35 For what?

13:36 Winning the game.

13:38 I just found out through some pretty

13:39 impressive investigating that your wedding was a sham.

13:44 It's a green card marriage.

13:45 That's crazy.

13:46 I was born in South Carolina.

13:47 These colors don't run, baby.

13:48 Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa, Canada.

13:53 Her visa was set to expire the day after you got married

13:56 at the county courthouse in front of three strangers and no family.

14:01 Okay.

14:02 We met in college.

14:03 She wanted to work in the state, she couldn't get a permit.

14:08 I knew I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.

14:10 Seriously, Ron, games aside, you got to keep this between us.

14:13 Don't tell anybody, please.

14:14 come on.

14:15 Don't worry, I'm not going to turn you in.

14:17 Just admit that when it comes to digging up dirt, I bested you in this game.

14:21 Say it.

14:21 Say I bested you.

14:23 Fine.

14:23 You bested me.

14:24 Is that No.

14:27 I'll have your wife tonight.

14:29 What?

14:31 I'm just kidding.

14:32 Leslie warned me that Ron was a master puzzle solver, so I have outdone myself.

14:36 This is the Lady Gaga of scavenger hunts, a complete work of genius wrapped up

14:41 in a disorienting mix of confusing cultural red herrings.

14:45 Uh the treasure is buried beneath the southwesternmost bench in Ramsett Park.

14:51 How could you have possibly figured that out already?

14:53 Once I determined the cryptex was a false lead,

14:55 I realized the hidden clues on the scrolls

14:57 could be solved with incomplete columnar transposition.

15:00 The transposed words alphanumerically linked to numbers,

15:03 the sequence of which suggested latitude and longitude.

15:06 Then it was simply a matter of accessing my mental sextant.

15:09 I'm shocked.

15:10 I ran this hunt planned by the Indiana Puzzlers Guild

15:12 and they gave it five out of five Sherlock pipes.

15:17 Keep it.

15:18 And don't feel bad.

15:19 It's my curse.

15:21 Okay, so the clue is inside, but it takes a five-letter code to open it.

15:24 Andy.

15:26 Did you try Ha!

15:29 Yes.

15:29 Why is that everyone's first suggestion?

15:31 Just smart people.

15:32 I think I might be able to help you.

15:34 Told you.

15:39 Let me see it.

15:40 Yeah, you can I'll show you.

15:41 I can unroll it.

15:42 The murals with this heart, you see,

15:44 look to the first and there your next clue will be.

15:48 The first letter of the name of each mural

15:49 with a heart on it will spell out the clue.

15:53 Or some or something.

15:54 Okay, something wicked this way comes once you peruse a book with your thumbs.

15:59 Go to the one who succumbs, I'll be attached with a little gum.

16:03 Oh, Leslie, give me a break.

16:05 I hate riddles and other such nonsense.

16:07 I want that on the record.

16:09 But something wicked with a book is my ex-wife from the library,

16:14 which means I'm the one that succumbs.

16:16 Uh I'll be attached with a little gum.

16:19 Good god, that woman is good.

16:24 We need to talk.

16:26 What is that?

16:27 This is a flying robot I just shot out

16:30 of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.

16:33 I thought you didn't like to pass judgment on this.

16:36 was addressed to my son who is 4 years old and does not own a Grizzle Doodad.

16:43 Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something

16:46 about my child and then brought him a box of presents.

16:50 So I destroyed the robot.

16:52 No one is safe from these bastards.

16:56 I couldn't help but notice from afar that you are both acting like weirdos.

17:01 I further suspect you have not yet talked about what happened.

17:04 What?

17:06 I don't even know what you're talking about us having not talked about.

17:09 Ow!

17:10 I got stung by the wood.

17:11 Oh, no, it's a splinter.

17:12 I need to get on WebMD now.

17:14 I need an iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, something with 4G.

17:16 There's no time for the Edge network.

17:18 What are you doing?

17:18 WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT GOT IT.

17:22 You okay, Ron?

17:23 Just a little tooth pain.

17:25 I'm fine.

17:26 Continue.

17:26 Okay, each department will be getting blue bins.

17:31 Do you need to go to the dentist, Ron?

17:33 I don't like dentists.

17:34 Just a second.

17:36 Hey!

17:38 no.

17:39 NO.

17:40 [laughter] WHAT THE OH MY GOD!

17:48 I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.

17:49 What were we talking about?

17:50 Recycling?

17:51 This is a real problem, Tom.

17:53 You are an addict and you need to change.

17:56 I've downloaded every episode of Intervention.

18:01 I know what to do here.

18:03 You're right.

18:05 I am an addict.

18:06 I've hurt all my friends and family with my addiction.

18:09 I will accept this gift of rehabilitation.

18:12 I'm proud of you, but also a bit fearful

18:14 that we're verging on what I call feelings territory.

18:18 So let's stare at the fire in silence.

18:23 Impressive.

18:24 I'm going to engage Andy in an attack hold and he's going to try and break free.

18:28 Cool.

18:29 Now, I don't want to hurt you, Ron.

18:31 Don't worry about that.

18:32 Just try to escape my attack.

18:33 Now, when I get out, am I allowed to counterstrike?

18:37 Sure.

18:38 When you get out, you may counterattack.

18:42 But just promise me you'll be ready because I mean I don't want TO DESTROY YOU.

18:47 OKAY.

18:49 Let's see where you're going with this.

18:53 [clears throat] Now, when your arms are pinned to your sides,

18:55 use your legs to break free instead of your neck,

18:58 which is what Andy's trying to do.

19:02 You got GAIL DOWN?

19:03 GET OUT.

19:04 LET HIM GO.

19:09 ANDY.

19:13 Oh god.

19:14 Oops.

19:17 Peyton Manning reading the defense.

19:19 REGGIE WAYNE.

19:20 HOLT'S CORNER.

19:30 [laughter] ANDY, BREAK UP.

19:31 YES, I TOLD HER THAT I THINK she is

19:32 old enough to be sexually active with her boyfriend,

19:34 but I'm sorry, 16, that that just seems too young to be on birth control.

19:38 You know, I was 24 when Gail took my virginity.

19:41 What say we just stand here in silence and think of ideas for projects.

19:49 Morning, Leslie.

19:51 Did you have a good night?

19:52 I did.

19:52 I watched a really good docu- What is that?

19:55 This is what I did last night.

19:57 After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey,

20:00 and then I finished crafting this small harp using a band saw,

20:04 a spoke shave, and an oscillating spindle sander.

20:09 Beautiful.

20:10 All my life, I have avoided Europe and its multitudes of terribleness.

20:15 But it turns out, much to my surprise,

20:18 there is actually one place in Europe that is worth seeing.

20:23 These tiny islands off the coast

20:25 of Scotland where God's chosen elixirs are distilled,

20:28 barreled, and prepared for consumption.

20:31 This is worth the trip.