Sophie’s Greatest Moments in ‘2 Broke Girls’

0:00 What's he look like?

0:01 He's got his finger over the peephole.

0:03 Okay, game on.

0:04 Back up.

0:05 This is my building.

0:06 I've got to take it back.

0:07 Max, this is life, not Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.

0:10 MOVE.

0:15 WHAT?

0:17 WHAT IS MEANING OF THIS HORRIBLE, horrible note?

0:20 Oh, YOU'RE NOT A MAN?

0:25 WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THIS?

0:27 Do I look like a man?

0:29 No, but you clump around up there like a man.

0:31 Max, please.

0:33 Did you write this horrible, horrible note?

0:35 I did.

0:38 First day in my new home and I'm given this horrible,

0:42 horrible note with threats.

0:44 Well, they're not actually threats.

0:47 I will gut you like a hog.

0:50 To be clear, I only skimmed the note.

0:52 Everything was happening so fast.

0:55 Listen, we've obviously gotten off to a bad start.

0:57 Please come in.

0:58 Why would I want to come in with your horrible, horrible ooh, cupcake land?

1:05 Yes, we have a cupcake business.

1:07 We're just starting, but doing well.

1:09 Max is the baker.

1:10 Say hello, Max.

1:11 I know people in the mob.

1:13 That's Max, and I'm Caroline.

1:14 You are?

1:15 Sophie Koshinsky.

1:17 Is that a Polish accent I'm detecting?

1:20 Yes.

1:20 I visited Warsaw once.

1:21 I love it.

1:22 Oh, cuz I hate it.

1:24 Rats and pimps.

1:26 Why have you not yet offered me cupcake?

1:29 Is the least thing you can do after horrible, horrible note.

1:32 Oh, sure.

1:33 Chocolate or vanilla?

1:34 Yes.

1:39 Why such sourpuss?

1:42 Sorry about that.

1:43 It's just we work long hours at the neighborhood diner,

1:45 and Max has another job as well,

1:47 and then she comes home and she has to make the cupcakes.

1:52 So good.

1:54 How could someone so angry make something so sweet?

1:57 She's not always like this.

1:59 Yeah, I'm usually like this.

1:59 Just ask the previous tenants.

2:02 Oh, wait.

2:03 You can't.

2:06 You know, you two girls are like these cupcakes.

2:09 One is dark and heavy, and one is light and fluffy.

2:14 I prefer the fluffy one.

2:16 Well, I think we've made our point.

2:18 No music, no clumping.

2:20 I'll shoot you through the floor.

2:21 Thanks for stopping by.

2:24 I'm so glad we can joke with each other already.

2:27 Sorry about the note.

2:28 Can we start a You have the Chanel Allure lip gloss?

2:31 Yeah.

2:33 Mhm, you know the Chanel.

2:36 No, love.

2:38 I can't afford it anymore.

2:39 Oh, take one.

2:41 I got handfuls in my bag.

2:44 Really?

2:45 Oh, that's so nice.

2:51 Hey.

2:52 Hey.

2:53 Hey.

2:54 Do I have to put you on a leash?

2:56 Hey, we start again.

2:59 You take a Chanel, and I take more cupcakes to go.

3:03 Oh, sure.

3:15 Yes.

3:17 OH, NO.

3:18 I AM GOING TO WAKE HIM UP.

3:19 FREE MODEL penis is my reward for doing

3:21 everything and being tied to a ROCK LIKE YOU.

3:25 SEE, I CAN'T GET AWAY CUZ YOU'RE THE ROCK and you're heavier THAN MY BALLOON.

3:31 HEY, STOP.

3:33 THIS IS CLEANING JOB, NOT GORGEOUS LADIES OF WRESTLING.

3:38 GOOD THING I stopped by to check on you.

3:40 What is all this?

3:41 You explain it.

3:42 I'm going to go wake the hot model up.

3:44 He left a note.

3:45 Just doing my job, as usual.

3:52 You think I'm holding Max back?

3:54 What kind of question is this?

3:56 Yes.

3:58 Well, you're wrong.

3:59 We're a great team.

4:00 And yes, there are some things she's better

4:02 at, but there are other areas where I excel.

4:04 Well, I don't see them.

4:07 That's probably cuz of your eye.

4:11 Did you wake him up?

4:13 Uh no, I think he MIGHT BE DEAD.

4:20 OH, NO, NOT THE HOT ONE.

4:23 OH, he's my favorite.

4:25 This is all I need on Yelp.

4:28 We should call 911.

4:29 No, I got it.

4:31 What are you going to do?

4:33 I'm going to give him mouth to mouth.

4:44 I didn't know there was so much tongue involved.

4:48 Okay, this is not working.

4:50 But you know what?

4:51 I I know he's still alive because his manhood is knocking on my lady door.

5:05 He must have taken too many of those pills on the table.

5:08 Pills?

5:09 I got this.

5:09 Max, go get some hydrogen peroxide.

5:11 Sophie, step aside now.

5:13 all right.

5:15 You sure you know what you're doing?

5:16 My friend Chase Travelstead OD'd like three times

5:18 in college and I brought her back twice.

5:22 There you go.

5:23 Bring him up.

5:25 That's wrong.

5:25 You hold his head back.

5:26 Open his mouth.

5:33 Back up.

5:43 I'm starting to see your worth.

5:47 There, the phone is unplugged.

5:49 Good luck calling the police now, table two.

5:53 Wow, you unplugged that phone faster than we unplugged my Aunt Esther.

5:58 She was a mean lady.

6:00 Sophie, ready to re-enter the workforce?

6:05 I'm ready.

6:07 The question is, ARE YOU READY?

6:10 AND THE answer is, no, I AM NOT.

6:15 PARTY!

6:17 CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

6:19 MISS, sparkling or still?

6:24 How's everything tasting?

6:29 Excuse me.

6:31 Excuse me.

6:31 Yeah.

6:32 Miss.

6:32 Oh, not you again.

6:37 Donut this.

6:38 I ordered a steak and this is a dirty washcloth.

6:42 You want me to heat it up?

6:46 I mean, why am I always getting you stuff?

6:48 How come you're not SCRATCHING MY BACK?

6:53 YOU SEE HOW I told him off?

6:56 Just like Max does, right, girl?

6:58 Why are you calling me girl?

7:00 I'm calling you a woman.

7:02 You know, like the girls do with Han, only he takes it.

7:06 You know, I mean, I wasn't expecting all this.

7:09 Neither was I.

7:10 This is supposed to be my nap time.

7:12 Pick up, unless that's a huge problem for you.

7:17 Oh, that's it.

7:19 I'm going to tell you the same thing that I

7:20 told Hooters when they added pants to the uniform.

7:26 I quit.

7:29 You quit?

7:30 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

7:32 You're fired.

7:34 Oh, yeah?

7:36 Yeah.

7:39 Have Have a bad waitress?

7:44 The naughtiest.

7:50 Uh they're not going to have sex in a restaurant, are they?

7:54 Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

7:56 Hell, it wouldn't be the eighth time.

8:01 Pick up.

8:03 Oleg.

8:04 Oh, yeah, man.

8:05 THIS IS HAPPENING.

8:09 ANYBODY WANT TO GO GRAB A LETTUCE WEDGE AT WITCHES?

8:14 THERE SHE IS, MY VEGAN VIXEN.

8:17 Just look at that healthy glow.

8:24 Sugar.

8:26 That's not a glow, IT'S A GLAZE.

8:29 I HAD A DONUT.

8:31 IT fell on my face.

8:33 I had to EAT IT OR I WOULD SUFFOCATE to death.

8:37 I've been on my best behavior and you're not holding UP YOUR END,

8:40 WHICH FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO COMMENT ON.

8:46 UH MAYBE WE COULD HAVE A cheat day.

8:50 And that day could be today?

8:56 Pound cake?

8:57 Know what I'd like to pound?

9:01 I sure do.

9:05 What are we waiting for?

9:19 What's the hold up back there?

9:21 People are placing bets that I'm halfway

9:23 to Reno with a hooker and the wedding cash.

9:26 Relax.

9:27 After that Subway, Max and Caroline needed some time to freshen up.

9:31 They came smelling like that diner cheese.

9:33 I tell you all IS STILL GOOD.

9:36 HEY, WE LOOK JUST LIKE SOPHIE.

9:41 I AM so relieved.

9:42 I thought I'd be way overdressed, but I'm just under boobed.

9:46 Yeah, we were in a hurry or I would have loaned her a cup of mine.

9:50 All right.

9:52 Olaf, stop looking at us like that.

9:54 It's okay.

9:56 I'm marrying you.

9:58 You guys look like the Four Tops.

10:00 Well, two tops and a bottom.

10:07 Olaf, Sophie doesn't want you to see her.

10:09 Jump on Chestnut and start down the aisle.

10:12 And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.

10:14 I know you never wanted to do drag.

10:19 And Hans, you're supposed to take this in case something happens in the aisle.

10:24 This just went from best man TO WORST JOB.

10:48 WHAT DO YOU THINK, GIRLS?

10:50 Do I look like a virgin?

10:55 And listen, I heard the tuba.

10:57 Yeah, that's what you call girls.

10:59 Go.

11:34 Woo!

11:39 Oh god!

11:41 Her dress almost killed us and now it killed Earl.

11:47 Thanks.

11:48 I thought I was a goner.

11:55 Time for the vows.

11:58 Bring the crowns and crown this marriage with honor.

12:11 No.

12:13 RAISE THE CROWNS to the heads.

12:27 Better go.

12:28 This is good as it's going to get without a ladder.

12:33 I, Sophie Kachinsky, take you, Oleg Galichevsky, to love and to cherish,

12:50 to have and to hold, never to leave your side till death comes to take me.

12:59 I, Oleg Galichevsky, take you, Sophie Kachinsky, to love and to cherish,

13:07 to have and to hold, never to leave your side till death comes to take me.

13:16 I pronounce you husband AND WIFE.

13:25 Now you toss the coins.

13:32 Long story.

13:36 Well, you know, it's funny.

13:38 I have a favorite thing, too.

13:40 In fact, why don't I just go and get it?

13:44 I can't believe it.

13:45 I'm about to MEET LONI ANDERSON.

13:48 CAN SOMEONE HELP ME LIFT UP MY FORK?

13:50 My arms are still sore from the move.

13:53 OPEN UP.

13:57 SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO FEED HAN.

13:58 HE JUST LICKED MY PINKY.

14:03 EARL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

14:07 JUST hanging out with R&B sensation Mary J.

14:11 Wanna.

14:13 Oh, good.

14:14 So, you're in the right mindset to hand-feed a 30-year-old man.

14:19 OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

14:22 I THINK THAT'S POLISH FOR NO.

14:25 UH-HUH.

14:26 YES, SOPHIE.

14:27 It's my painting.

14:28 Excuse me, our painting.

14:30 And it's going up on our wall.

14:34 Is it me or is this party tense as hell?

14:39 I don't think Sophie and Oleg are going TO MAKE IT.

14:44 UH-OH.

14:45 AM I TALKING OUT loud right now?

14:50 I told you I don't want that thing in here.

14:54 I don't understand.

14:55 It's just a painting.

14:55 What's so bad ABOUT IT?

14:58 OH MY GOD.

15:03 NICE, HUH?

15:04 I did it myself.

15:05 It's a paint-by-numbers.

15:08 You mean it's A PUTIN-BY-NUMBERS.

15:10 WHY ARE HIS nipples so big?

15:14 They don't seem that BIG TO ME.

15:17 OH, I am too high FOR AT I'M NOT HIGH ENOUGH.

15:26 IN MY CULTURE, BIG nipples mean power and wealth.

15:30 In our culture, big nipples means wear a t-shirt in the pool.

15:35 There.

15:36 I like it.

15:40 ADDS A CERTAIN SOMETHING TO THE ROOM.

15:44 Every wall needs nipples.

15:47 So a guy knows where to look.

15:51 Thank you for telling me to do this, Caroline.

15:55 She did?

15:59 I'D GET UP AND RUN, BUT MY LEGS ARE LIKE TAFFY.

16:04 SERIOUSLY, YOU told him to hang that thing up?

16:08 In fairness, I had not seen the painting when

16:11 I suggested something like I mean, I get it.

16:14 It's gorgeous.

16:17 But it doesn't go with that decor.

16:20 What?

16:21 Is it throwing off this gorgeous OUTDOOR INDOOR SWING?

16:33 NOBODY IS CUTTING ANYONE, especially not me.

16:37 DO YOU NEVER LEARN?

16:39 Put some beef in your napkin like I did.

16:41 Let's get OUT OF HERE.

16:44 SOPHIE, YOU ASKED ME TO MOVE IN.

16:46 Guess what?

16:47 I moved in.

16:48 Yes, I asked you TO MOVE IN, BUT NOT WITH BIG WEIRD NIPPLE PORTRAIT.

16:55 WELL, HOW BIG ARE NIPPLES SUPPOSED TO BE?

16:57 CUZ NEVER MIND.

17:01 AND WHAT'S your problem anyway?

17:02 I gave you a drawer.

17:05 This This IS MY DRAWER, EVERYBODY.

17:10 WHAT GOOD IS THIS?

17:12 I CAN'T EVEN get one of my ball gags IN THERE.

17:16 YOU ASKED FOR A DRAWER, GIVE YOU A DRAW.

17:20 AND WHO NEEDS 12 BALL GOWNS ANYWAY?

17:24 SO NOW YOU DON'T LIKE BALL GOWNS?

17:27 WHO ARE YOU, LADY?

17:30 I'LL TELL YOU who I am.

17:33 I'm the lady who's putting THIS IN THE TRASH.

17:41 YOU TRASH THAT, I'LL trash this.

17:44 Oh, no.

17:45 ARE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK ONE OF GRANDMA TITSKI'S GLASSES?

17:48 NO.

17:49 IF ANYONE'S GOING TO BREAK ONE, IT'S GOING TO BE ME.

17:53 THIS REMINDS ME OF THE FIRST half of my second

17:56 marriage and the second half of my third marriage.

18:01 Sophie, I'm done.

18:03 And as you said to me on our first date,

18:05 I don't know how much more of this I CAN TAKE.

18:11 FUN PARTY.

18:15 WITH IT ALL.

18:16 I SHOULD GET GOING THOUGH.

18:17 Got to be up early for What's the thing?

18:19 Church?

18:25 Beep.

18:25 BEEP.

18:26 BEEP.

18:26 BEEP.

18:29 HEY SOPHIE, YOU REMEMBER LESTER?

18:32 LESTER, you remember when they discovered fire?

18:36 Please join me.

18:38 May I buy you an egg cream?

18:40 Oh, I do love an egg cream.

18:44 Excuse me, I got to powder my nose.

18:47 Girls, girls, I know you want your apartment back and I'm a reasonable man.

18:53 So all I want before I go is a little you know what.

18:57 More jello?

18:59 I'm talking about sex.

19:01 Rebound sex.

19:02 Rebound sex?

19:04 Are you sure you'll even be able to rebound from having sex?

19:08 You kidding?

19:10 It's nothing but sex at that retirement home.

19:12 What do you think I put myself there?

19:16 Wall-to-wall whoopee, and you don't even have to drive home after.

19:21 I have in mind a certain elegant lady.

19:25 Ah, YOU'RE OUT OF TP.

19:30 SET ME UP WITH ONE NIGHT WITH YOUR FRIEND,

19:32 and I will gladly leave the apartment.

19:36 I'll be in your booth.

19:40 Hey Sophie, you'll get with that old guy, right?

19:42 Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?

19:48 LESTER, SHE DIDN'T GO FOR IT.

19:50 I'M NOT going back to that retirement home with my tail between my legs.

19:54 I got to sleep with someone to make Olivia jealous.

19:57 There's a new thing the kids are doing called lying.

20:01 Why don't you just make something up?

20:03 Pics or it didn't happen.

20:06 I need a selfie with whoever I hook up with for my Facebook page.

20:11 And if it's not going to be Sophie,

20:14 my guess it's going to be one of you two up at bat.

20:18 Slugger.

20:20 Slugger.

20:22 Max, I can't do this.

20:24 One of us will just have to take that apartment in Earl's building,

20:27 and you will find another place.

20:30 But then we'd have to live apart.

20:32 I know, but I don't see another choice.

20:35 I'm not ready to live without you.

20:37 I'm not ready to LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

20:54 WHAT?

20:55 I SAW THE POOP PACKER THING.

20:59 MAX, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE ALMOST willing to do that to live with me.

21:03 You know what?

21:04 I'M GOING IN.

21:06 BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF NOT SEEING you 24 HOURS A DAY,

21:10 SEVEN DAYS a week would kill me.

21:17 We'll meet every Saturday morning for coffee.

21:20 Less and less over time, of course.

21:23 That was a good start.

21:24 WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

21:26 NOTHING!

21:28 AH, I'M REALLY LIKING THIS WHOLE back door thing.

21:33 Ah, that's the first time I've EVER SAID THAT.

21:39 DON'T GET USED TO IT, SOPHIE.

21:41 You never do.

21:43 No, I mean, we're going to have to leave this place.

21:45 We couldn't do it with Lester.

21:47 I know.

21:48 That's why I'm here.

21:50 You don't have to do this for us.

21:52 If you two didn't live in this building, then we'd drift apart,

21:57 and we'd only see each other on Saturdays for coffee.

22:00 Ah, I'd probably only go once.

22:05 Look, just give me 90 seconds.

22:08 I mean, it's got A PUMP.

22:09 HOW HARD COULD IT BE?

22:13 SHE'S AMAZING.

22:14 WE SHOULD probably get her something for this.

22:16 What would be appropriate?

22:18 That good candle under the sink?

22:19 We've only used it once.

22:22 That seems right.

22:24 I don't know what that was, but I'm not up to it.

22:29 I don't I don't think my heart could take it.

22:32 Afraid sex with Sophie would kill you?

22:34 Yeah, that's why I haven't gone there.

22:37 You know, I was all excited about about all all all the other fish in the sea.

22:41 That one's a GREAT WHITE SHARK.

22:44 HEY, COME ON.

22:46 I JUST DRESSED.

22:47 I'm ready.

22:49 Okay.

22:50 Could we get a quick pic?

22:52 I'd have gone there, too, if I knew he had an iPhone 5s.

22:55 Try to be as sexy as possible.

22:57 Okay.

22:57 Yeah.

22:59 Uh-huh.

23:02 When Olivia sees that, she's going to say,

23:04 "Morty, who?" Girls, enjoy your apartment.

23:10 I had some lovely times here.

23:12 Thank you so much, Lester.

23:14 Bye, Grandpa.

23:15 Maybe sometime we can come visit you in the home.

23:18 Email me.

23:19 We'll talk.

23:22 That's still in play at HIS AGE?

23:24 AND THANKS FOR THE BLUE BALLS, LESTER.

23:30 NIGHTY NIGHT, GIRLS.

23:36 HI, MAX.

23:37 Chilly outside.

23:39 Nipples everywhere.

23:43 Have a seat.

23:43 I'll be right over.

23:44 Oh, that's okay.

23:45 I texted my order in on the way.

23:47 Hey, baby.

23:49 I got your text.

23:50 Did you get my erratic haiku?

23:52 I did.

23:53 Did you get the picture I sent of me in the Dustbuster?

23:57 No, I didn't.

24:00 Oh, no, Grandpa.

24:01 You're dead.

24:05 Look, Earl framed our blurb.

24:08 He did?

24:08 That is so sweet.

24:11 What?

24:13 I always saw it as bigger on the wall in our shop.

24:16 Look, the shop is an amazing idea,

24:18 and if it's not that space right now, it'll be another.

24:21 I mean, they have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?

24:25 If we're lucky.

24:27 And even if it didn't work out,

24:29 it's still the closest I've ever come to something great, and that's cool.

24:33 And someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money.

24:36 I say that because if you can convince

24:38 me to believe a dream, you can get anyone.

24:40 Pick up.

24:42 Here you go, Sophie.

24:43 That's $11.25.

24:44 Oh, you take a check, right?

24:48 This is for $20,000.

24:50 Oh, is it?

24:52 I thought that was for 20.

24:54 Oh, well, keep it.

24:57 Maybe you could use it for your dream or to get your legs waxed or something.

25:03 Sophie, are you serious?

25:04 Yes.

25:05 Sophie, this is really really amazing.

25:08 Oh, come on.

25:09 I don't need the parade.

25:11 Just keep the cupcakes coming.

25:16 Max, do you know what this means?

25:18 We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have.

25:21 We're getting our dream.

25:23 I feel like you want a hug.

25:25 I do.

25:34 Max, there is no way you could be sleeping through OLEG AND SOPHIE.

25:42 DOES THAT ACTUALLY WORK?

25:43 IT DOES, with a little help from this.

25:47 GIMME.

25:51 I WAS HOPING THAT'D BE FRUITIER.

25:54 I MEAN, they're Here, they're there, then they're here again.

25:57 It's like we're A VILLAGE UNDER ATTACK.

26:00 YEP.

26:01 JUST A MATTER of time till someone sends in a drone.

26:05 AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT MOANING.

26:07 I THINK I HEARD a big ball rolling around up there.

26:09 If a ball is rolling around up there, Oleg should stop and see a doctor.

26:14 This couldn't be ANY MORE INTRUSIVE.

26:24 UH UH SORRY ABOUT THAT.

26:32 A BOWLING BALL?

26:34 AND WHY DO THEY NEED A bowling ball?

26:36 Maybe they ran OUT OF HOLES.

26:40 HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN A BALL?

26:43 I THINK it's pretty neighborly of us to return someone's sex bowling ball.

26:47 You know we have to bury those mitts now,

26:49 and we have to tell them to stop whatever it is they're doing up here.

26:53 Probably a 7-10 split.

26:58 And now they're not making noise.

26:59 It's like when you go to the zoo and the lion goes inside.

27:03 It's Max and Caroline.

27:05 Your ball came into our yard again.

27:10 Uh yeah, it's not a good time.

27:12 Uh we're role playing and obviously I'm Beyoncé.

27:20 Hey, Jay-Z.

27:23 LOOK AT ALL THE SINGLE LADIES.

27:25 Oh yeah, baby.

27:27 Jay-Z and I have a lot in common.

27:29 He bought the Brooklyn Nets.

27:30 I bought my hair nets in Brooklyn.

27:33 I'm not surprised that you're Jay-Z and Beyoncé,

27:36 but I am kind of surprised that they bowl.

27:40 Where should I put this?

27:41 Well, I'll tell you what I told him.

27:43 Put it ANYWHERE YOU WANT.

27:53 SO THAT'S BASICALLY OUR BALL AT THIS POINT.

27:55 CAROLINE, something is really wrong with me.

27:58 Don't freak out.

27:59 I'm here for you.

28:00 Unless it's something I can catch.

28:04 Something weird happened.

28:05 I think I might have feelings for Deek.

28:08 Oh god, no.

28:10 I mean, that is interesting.

28:12 Let's talk about that.

28:14 I don't know what to do.

28:15 We're bros and I don't want to ruin the friendship, which is really unlike me.

28:19 I always ruin friendships.

28:20 I've been trying to ruin ours since you moved in.

28:23 Well, what changed with Deek?

28:25 Oh, it was so weird.

28:26 He was wetting my bread and then my bread was wet, if you know what I'm saying.

28:32 Okay, thank you.

28:33 I'm finally OFF BREAD.

28:36 LOOK, I UNDERSTAND.

28:37 You can't always help who you're attracted to.

28:39 It's like with me and Nicholas.

28:40 This is not the same as you and Frenchie.

28:42 I wasn't attracted to Deek before today.

28:45 The first time you met Nicholas,

28:46 your vagina fell on the floor and tried to crawl UP HIS LEG.

28:50 YES, BUT I SCOOPED IT UP AND SNAPPED IT BACK ON.

28:54 BECAUSE I WAS NOT BORN TO HAVE sex with a married man.

28:58 If I was, I would have flirted with Matt Lauer when

29:00 he came over for the Christmas tree lighting at my house.

29:03 Matt Lauer, that guy's got game.

29:06 No hair, BUT GAME.

29:10 EVERYBODY, GOOD NEWS!

29:14 OH, I PASSED THAT KIDNEY STONE.

29:17 YEAH, I think the skiing loosened it.

29:21 I felt like I was birthing a baby through my EYE HOLE.

29:26 DID YOU SAVE THE STONE?

29:28 Cuz only three more and you can make me that necklace.

29:31 Max, don't change the subject.

29:33 What are you going to do about D?

29:34 Oh wait, well I love giving advice.

29:37 I had my own advice column in Poland.

29:39 It was called "Doctor That".

29:44 Sophie, have you ever had sex with a friend?

29:46 Oh, no.

29:48 Are you two going TO DO IT?

29:51 NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT OH, DON'T do that.

29:55 No, it will ruin your relationship and my opinion of Matt.

30:00 What about your opinion of me?

30:02 Oh, IT'S ALREADY PRETTY LOW.

30:08 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO about D?

30:10 He's coming over to study tonight.

30:12 God, I sound like such a girl from the '50s.

30:15 Going to go cry into my princess phone.

30:18 Hey, I wasn't sure if it was too late

30:21 to come by, but the Ouija board said, "Go ahead.

30:24 The girls are up." YOU USE THAT?

30:29 THE only spirit I listen to is Two Buck Chuck,

30:32 and he mostly tells me to take my top off.

30:35 Yeah, Ouija helps me make all my big decisions, like coming to America,

30:41 adopting a Chinese orphan, and leaving a Chinese orphan at the fire station.

30:49 Those boards are creepy.

30:50 You never know what you're inviting in.

30:52 I mean, what if we open a hell mouth?

30:54 Oh, come on, girls.

30:56 Look around.

30:57 I mean, you already have.

31:01 Now, shh.

31:03 Okay.

31:04 Ouija, should I take Oleg back?

31:15 Yes.

31:17 Oh, now, see, that is creepy, cuz I was shoving it to no.

31:24 Do you want to get back with him?

31:26 Well, I'm torn.

31:28 And also, I don't know what to do.

31:31 Okay, one more time.

31:34 Ouija, should I be with Oleg?

31:40 15 yeses out of 15 yeses.

31:43 It's still Sophie, this is silly.

31:46 You know you two want to get back together.

31:49 Caroline, we already have the Ouija board.

31:52 We don't need another thing around here that's flat and wrong all the time.

31:59 Fine.

31:59 Sophie, if it's not me after all I've offered you, go.

32:04 Ask the spirits who the man you are supposed to be with is.

32:08 Ouija, please spell out the name of the man that I'm supposed to be with.

32:17 Oh, look, it's moving.

32:20 V l a This is what the world was like before the internet.

32:29 k Oh.

32:33 Vladko.

32:34 Vladko, yeah, that sounds cute.

32:37 Yeah, And I'm sorry, Oleg.

32:39 The spirits have spoken.

32:41 I'm supposed to be with someone named Vanko, and they know the best.

32:46 So, you're supposed to be with someone named Vanko?

32:49 Mhm.

32:58 Vanko Oleg Golachevsky.

33:05 I go by my middle name cuz there were seven other Vankos IN MY FAMILY.

33:12 BUT, I didn't even know that.

33:15 Yeah, that means the widget.

33:19 Oh.

33:21 Ah.

33:22 Oh.

33:24 YEAH.

33:25 OH, NO.

33:26 NO, VANKO, NO.

33:30 I KNOW WE CAN YOU AND I CAN GET BACK TOGETHER, OKAY?

33:32 BUT, I I JUST CAN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

33:36 NO, I mean, THIS IS TOO DAMN SPOOKY, HUH?

33:42 I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY BROTHERS Vanko and Vanko ABOUT THIS.

33:47 HEY, EVERYBODY.

33:52 HUH?

33:52 GREAT NEWS.

33:54 I JUST GOT CARDED AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS.

33:58 REALLY?

33:59 I got carded out of there once.

34:02 And more great news.

34:04 I'm starting my own new business.

34:07 So, girls, you know how you have that $10,000?

34:11 Well, I don't want to clean you out,

34:13 but how do you feel about tossing me 9 to 500?

34:18 You two should invest.

34:20 Sophie's business is genius.

34:22 You know how a bunch of ladies

34:23 got their down there hair permanently lasered off?

34:27 Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael checklist.

34:32 Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.

34:39 That's not a business, that's nobody's business.

34:43 Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff.

34:44 I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.

34:48 Hey, there's a need for this.

34:50 Sometimes in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.

34:57 We're out.

34:58 Well, don't decide yet, girls.

35:00 You haven't even heard the cute little name.

35:03 SOPHIE KACHINSKY'S VAGINA WIGS.

35:08 YEAH, WE'RE REALLY OUT.

35:11 BUT IT'S A QUALITY PRODUCT.

35:14 And it's real HAIR IMPORTED FROM VAGINA.

35:19 YEAH, NEVER BEEN FURTHER OUT.

35:23 I JUST GOT MY FIRST SHIPMENT of wigs.

35:29 Sophie, why are you walking like that?

35:32 Well, I'm not just the president, I'M ALSO A CLIENT.

35:42 SOPHIE, I THINK YOU DROPPED something unless

35:44 we have those giant Persian roaches again.

35:48 Even a milky version of that was too much.

35:58 Oh, heck, girls.

35:59 Oh, do you mind if I hang down here with you for a while?

36:02 All Oleg is up there is trying to seduce me

36:05 by cleaning the apartment and it's all all so dirty.

36:12 Oh, oh, he's vacuuming now, which means he's naked.

36:17 OH, FOR ME AND MY POLISH VALUES.

36:22 Polish values, that's the name of my favorite dollar store in Brooklyn.

36:27 Ew.

36:30 He's deep cleaning the shag.

36:32 Oh my god, somebody do something to make me not WANT SEX.

36:37 ALL RIGHT, ASH.

36:37 WHY DON'T you show us your runway walk?

36:43 That was it?

36:45 Oh, I thought you were going to pick up a pen.

36:48 Thanks, perfect.

36:50 Now I'm completely turned off.

36:54 Oh, watching a potato walk across the room really did the trick.

36:58 Now, Ash, concentrate.

37:00 Follow my lead.

37:02 Bam, pow, bam, pow, and step and bam, and step and pow, and step and bam.

37:07 Oh, even better.

37:11 After that, they could film the sequel to Frozen on my lady parts.

37:19 Yeah, me too.

37:21 But just cuz I let it go down there.

37:30 Oh, now he's using the wand attachment.

37:33 Oh, now it's getting real deep between the cushions.

37:38 Oh my god, just screw it.

37:40 I'm never going to make it to the wedding.

37:45 Oh, Grandma Kuchinsky, please forgive me for what I'm about to do.

37:50 Oh.

37:51 Well, YOU'RE NO WHITE LILY YOURSELF.

37:55 I GOT A LOT ON MY MIND.

37:56 I'M trying to design our future baby.

37:59 See girls, I read this article that says you

38:00 can spin sperm to get rid of the bad stuff.

38:04 So Oleg's not going to be the father?

38:09 It's true.

38:09 There's a new technology where you can select the baby's genes.

38:13 I miss selecting genes.

38:15 Now I just reach into the $3 bin and hope for the best.

38:19 Well, I'm going to spin that jazz till I get a girl

38:23 baby with green eyes and Jennifer Aniston's second nose AND AND MY BUTT.

38:33 WHY CAN'T WE GET PREGNANT THE natural way?

38:35 Up against the fence.

38:39 Hey girls.

38:41 Looking for a baby boy.

38:43 Yeah.

38:44 I feel like we're finally getting close to something I can work with.

38:48 You know, it really started to flow

38:49 once I threw away the Anne HATHAWAY FOREHEAD.

38:55 THAT IS THE SCARIEST thing I've ever seen.

38:58 Oh, a good thing you didn't see it with the Hathaway forehead.

39:03 I love baby number two, but I know Oleg still wants to be surprised.

39:09 Why don't you give us all a nice

39:10 surprise and brush his teeth WHILE HE'S SLEEPING?

39:15 RIGHT?

39:17 ALL RIGHT HERE.

39:19 MAX, Oleg can't go to the game.

39:21 Our baby appointment got changed to tomorrow and we

39:25 got to get working on the baby body.

39:28 Oh, you know what?

39:29 That reminds me.

39:31 Max, do you have a picture OF YOUR BOOBS?

39:35 I KNOW I GOT IT FROM OLEG.

39:39 HERE COMES THE CONTESTANT PICKER.

39:41 Act like you're a stay-at-home mom from the Midwest.

39:43 That's the Price Is Right sweet spot.

39:45 I'm this.

39:47 Oh god, those little bastards are just running me ragged.

39:52 PICK ME.

39:53 PICK ME.

39:54 PICK ME.

39:54 PICK ME.

39:54 PICK ME.

39:58 We got a lot of 12-year-old boys playing sick at home.

40:00 How long can you ladies jump up and down for?

40:04 20 minutes.

40:05 Step out of line.

40:07 What is that costume?

40:08 Oh, this is home bedazzled, DON'T YOU KNOW?

40:12 STEP OUT OF LINE.

40:14 I'M JUST GLAD TO BE out of the house.

40:17 Wait here.

40:18 You're both in the mix.

40:19 Max is being excited to meet Drew Carey.

40:21 He knows when you're faking it.

40:22 Uh, my Bob never knows when I'm faking it.

40:26 Keep it up.

40:27 I LIKE YOUR PEPPER.

40:31 MAX!

40:32 I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL over for you.

40:34 What are you doing here?

40:36 Isn't this scene in the movie?

40:37 I know, because I'm in it.

40:39 Max, there would be no movie without you.

40:42 There would also be no armed guards at Hometown Buffet.

40:44 What's the point?

40:46 I would have been here sooner, but I just got back from Vegas with Bob.

40:50 He lost $50,000 and somehow paid Don Knotts's Oscar.

40:55 Bob and I talked a lot about friendship on the helicopter.

40:58 You know, right after I jump-started his heart with the EpiPen.

41:02 And you and I are not going to be Winona Ryder and Gwyneth Paltrow.

41:06 Or Sophie and Gwyneth Paltrow.

41:09 That I was going to name my firstborn Apple, and she took it.

41:16 Now I have to settle for Fritter.

41:20 I am not going to sell out our friendship for Hollywood.

41:24 Max, you're in the movie and you're coming

41:25 with me to the meeting to tell them that.

41:27 But I'm in the mix.

41:28 They actually want me here.

41:30 But I want you there.

41:34 I'm the stupid you should be with.

41:37 All right, screw it.

41:39 So, if I'm going to go with her, why stop making bad decisions now?

41:44 All right, but I'm going to have to make another friend in line.

41:50 Hi.

41:51 I'm Barb.

41:54 Uh, gosh.

41:55 Carpool and fluffernutter.

41:58 Yeah.

41:59 Uh, BECAUSE SOCCER, RIGHT?

42:05 EVERYBODY!

42:09 DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO shut off the fire alarm in the elevator?

42:14 Cuz this sage is really popping off.

42:17 Hey, puff, puff, pass.

42:20 I don't want to smoke it.

42:21 No, it cleans your aura or some crap like that.

42:26 Oh, that sounds spiritual.

42:28 You know, my healer says the reason that I haven't been able

42:32 to get pregnant is that my aura is filthier than my gynecologist Instagram.

42:41 But I did get a lot OF LIKES.

42:45 OH, SOPHIE, I'm getting second-hand hippy.

42:48 Why?

42:49 Sophie, I have got to get this out of here

42:51 or Jennifer Lawrence will think this is my vibe.

42:53 I'm going for Grace Kelly, not Woody Harrelson.

42:57 Well, that's a mistake.

42:59 You know what?

43:00 My healer Audra gave me a whole list of things

43:03 that I need to do in order to get pregnant.

43:06 Is one of them have sex the front way?

43:10 YEAH, ALSO EAT APPLES, MEDITATE, cut down on cigars.

43:17 She also said that I have to practice loving kindness with everyone.

43:22 Even the people who trigger my negativity.

43:26 Yeah, but you know what?

43:27 I'm as sweet as the sugar substitute that gave half my family cancer.

43:34 You're maybe not always sweet as sugar substitute to everyone.

43:39 I'm not?

43:42 Well, here comes this idiot.

43:46 You know what?

43:47 I'm going to be real nice to you so that I can have a baby.

43:51 So I don't care what kind of crap comes out of your stupid pie hole.

43:56 OH MY GOD, I'm a monster.

44:00 What do you think?

44:00 Cuz we're already signed up and it's nonrefundable.

44:03 I took your share out of your piggy bong.

44:06 You stole from Cheech& Chong?

44:10 Okay, you can say you hate the idea, but you don't have to cry about it.

44:16 Man, this baby more full of crap than a Coldplay album.

44:20 Fine, I'll change your diaper, but when you grow up,

44:23 you're going to have to return the favor.

44:27 THAT DIAPER GOES THE OTHER WAY.

44:31 DID THAT DOLL JUST TALK, OR ARE THE voices telling me to kill again?

44:35 No, no, it's been yelling at me all day.

44:37 Between this and the police chatter I pick up on my hearing aid,

44:41 it's like a damn party in my head.

44:45 Roger that.

44:47 Can this doll get any creepier?

44:50 Takes one to know, I'm Caroline.

44:52 ASKED AND ANSWERED.

44:54 HEY.

44:56 CAN'T A LADY HAVE A SMOKE AND A tinkle without having to worry about her baby?

45:01 You're watching us from the toilet?

45:03 Can't you just hold your nose and hover like everyone else?

45:06 It's my surveillance doll.

45:08 Look.

45:10 It's hooked up to an app in my phone.

45:13 Look, she's got cameras in her eyeballs, she's got a microphone in her mouth,

45:19 and look, a laser pointer in her butt.

45:23 Is that the American Girl Doll Patriot Act edition?

45:27 Isn't she cute?

45:29 Look, she's like my twin, only more alive.

45:36 Thank you, girl, thanks for keeping your eye on Barbara.

45:43 Well, thanks so much.

45:45 I'd pay you, but I know you're too proud to take the money.

45:49 Well, actually, the medical bills ARE PILING UP, SO I HAVE TO REALLY USE