4 Ways To Spot Somebody Who's Right For You

Matthew Hussey

0:00 One of the most torturous debates we have inside our own head in our love

0:03 lives is whether the person we have started dating is right for us.

0:07 What if we already have too much friction for what I'm more physically attract?

0:12 What if there isn't enough of a spark too much of a spark?

0:14 They love to dance.

0:15 They love mountain climbing.

0:17 What if they judge me for my diet?

0:18 You know what?

0:18 If we're even thinking about this, we should

0:20 just dump them and get it over with.

0:21 No, that's enough.

0:24 Because in this video, I want to give you four useful tips

0:27 that I have learned from 18 years of coaching people

0:31 in their love lives that you can use to identify

0:33 if the person you're seeing right now is right for you.

0:36 And my hope is that this video will both provide comfort

0:40 and be a necessary pressure valve for what you are feeling right now.

0:43 As always, like this video and if you are new here, subscribe to this channel.

0:48 Let's get started.

0:49 Number one, you know someone is right if they close the investment gap.

0:55 The investment gap is when the potential

0:57 of a relationship is never realized because

1:00 one person isn't willing to try and the other person is too scared to.

1:07 But you're left wondering what the hell is this?

1:10 but you don't really feel like you can bring

1:12 that up and have clarity because they've not really

1:15 made you feel comfortable to be able to bring

1:17 something up and have clarity with the right person.

1:21 You feel like you can communicate.

1:23 You know where you stand.

1:25 And if you don't, you actually feel like it's okay to broach the subject.

1:30 It flows.

1:31 So ask yourself, is the person I'm dating

1:34 someone I actually feel I can communicate with?

1:37 the wrong person directly or indirectly gives you these little

1:42 cues that it's not safe to bring things up.

1:46 How do they do that?

1:48 They might say an off-hand comment like,

1:50 "I just feel like everyone I ever date moves insanely fast,

1:56 you know, and it I just always feel like,

1:57 wow, slow down." They might just say something like that that puts

2:00 the idea in your head that if you move too fast, it's wrong.

2:04 And so now you're preoccupied with not moving fast.

2:07 They may never bring up where it's going or what this is.

2:11 They may be inconsistent with their communication

2:14 and therefore leave you always feeling unsure of yourself.

2:18 You know, if someone disappears and then reappears, it keeps you distracted.

2:24 When they come back, you're not thinking,

2:27 "I really need to communicate with them about where

2:30 this is going." you're just thinking, "Oh my god,

2:33 I'm so glad they're back." It all becomes this way of occupying

2:36 your mental bandwidth so that you can't actually focus on progression.

2:40 With the right person, things actually progress organically.

2:44 It's not too fast.

2:46 It doesn't feel love bonnie.

2:47 It's not too slow.

2:49 You do become exclusive.

2:51 You can openly share how you feel about each other

2:53 and you start becoming more a part of each other's lives.

2:57 You can make plans.

2:59 One of the great lessons we all learn in our love

3:01 life is that we have to demand our value.

3:04 We cannot expect people to show up and tell

3:07 us what our value is and treat us well.

3:10 We have to have the expectation of being treated

3:13 well and know how to communicate that we want that.

3:16 And the reason most of us aren't doing it

3:18 is because there are deeper things going on within us,

3:21 deeper confidence issues that we need to work on.

3:24 for anyone who wants to do this deeper work for themselves this year

3:27 because you know it's holding you back from the life you could have.

3:30 I am holding my annual retreat again this October in Miami,

3:35 Florida for 2 days of coaching immersion.

3:38 I always say that this is like years of growth in the space

3:42 of two days and it's my favorite thing that I've ever created.

3:46 You can find tickets at mh retreat.com.

3:48 We have a VIP ticket that's available right now.

3:50 There's a whole VIP experience.

3:52 It's going to be amazing.

3:54 We have an early bird discount that's available right now.

3:57 So, take advantage of that and let me know

3:59 in the comments if you already have your ticket or if you're

4:02 planning on getting one so I know who my people

4:04 are that I'm going to be seeing in Miami this October.

4:07 The second sign that someone is right for you

4:09 is when you feel more yourself around them.

4:13 Feeling seen by somebody is ultimately about feeling safe.

4:18 Because when you feel seen, you feel accepted.

4:20 you feel safe to be who you actually are.

4:22 And it's from this place that you get to go out and conquer the world.

4:26 I think that's one of the best things about the right relationship is that it

4:29 is a springboard into the outer world where you can then go and become more.

4:35 Interestingly, when me and my wife Audrey first started dating,

4:39 I noticed something she was doing that I

4:42 ended up calling out because I didn't love it.

4:46 She would sometimes be sarcastic in ways that cut through

4:51 the authenticity or the sincerity of a moment we were having.

4:56 And I ended up calling that out.

4:59 Not in a mean way, but I would just like point it out and be like,

5:02 that was that was a little unnecessarily sarcastic.

5:05 Over time, I realized Audrey's sarcasm was not innate to her.

5:10 It had been developed as a defense mechanism for people she had dated

5:15 in her past that constantly made her feel like she was too much,

5:20 she was too sensitive, she was too emotional,

5:22 her feelings got too easily hurt and her sensitivity

5:26 as a result started to take a backseat and sarcasm became

5:30 the kind of weapon of choice and it was protective

5:34 and she had been in that mode for quite some time.

5:38 So when I first pointed it out,

5:39 it caught her by surprise and it caught her off guard,

5:43 but it made her remember a part of herself.

5:47 What she realized was that she was dating

5:50 someone who was as sensitive as she was.

5:54 So rather than looking at me and going,

5:57 "Why are you being so sensitive?" she saw me and saw herself and went,

6:02 "Oh, I can just be sincere with this person.

6:06 I don't need to do this.

6:08 And she started to let her guard down as a result

6:11 and actually be more of who she really was.

6:15 So, it was actually a a defense mechanism that became a kind of portal

6:21 to a way that we were deeply compatible once it was pointed out.

6:25 I'm not saying in this that you have to be the same as the person you're dating.

6:29 You could be with someone who's not very sensitive in the ways

6:33 that you are and it work because they really love that about you.

6:37 They really appreciate the difference between you in that area.

6:41 What we can't have is a person who doesn't even understand or see that about us.

6:47 And if they do, sees it simply as a point of contention and judgment

6:52 and a way to shame us or a way to decide to go cold on us.

6:57 It can't be that.

6:59 We either have to see each other because

7:00 we truly understand each other or I see you

7:04 in your differences and I love our differences

7:07 and they just become things that I treasure about you.

7:11 Either way, it encourages you to be more of yourself, not less of yourself.

7:18 The third sign someone is right for you is

7:20 that they accept where you are in your life.

7:24 I did a recent group coaching session where a woman

7:27 was talking about how she had been through a divorce.

7:29 She had then taken time to heal from that divorce

7:32 and then she went back out there and dated.

7:34 And she met a guy in the first few months of dating.

7:37 She had a couple of moments where she got

7:39 triggered and her anxiety was triggered and she became reactive.

7:44 And she talked about two moments in particular.

7:46 I don't know what happened in those moments,

7:48 but they obviously caused some friction and the guy

7:53 ended up saying to her, "This is not for me.

7:56 I'm out." So, he left.

7:58 Now, she was beating herself up.

8:00 Part of her was wondering if she shouldn't have dated so soon.

8:04 Part of her was wondering if, you know, she's not enough.

8:07 Am I going to scare people away with the way that I am?

8:10 She also did point out to him that she's in therapy

8:13 and she's working through these things and she's doing work,

8:16 which I think is an amazing level of transparency and vulnerability, right?

8:20 She wasn't taking no responsibility for these things.

8:23 Now, it's tempting for someone in that position to be like,

8:27 he was the right person.

8:29 I just screwed it up.

8:30 But the reality is the right person for us is the person

8:34 who signs up for the stage of our journey we are actually in.

8:39 None of us are coming to a relationship perfect.

8:42 None of us are coming without baggage.

8:44 None of us are coming unscathed or fully healed.

8:47 This idea of like heal yourself and then go have a relationship,

8:51 it's Life is not that simple or binary.

8:55 We all are always a work in progress.

8:58 So we are always asking the person we meet to accept

9:03 that this is the stage of our journey we are

9:06 in and to ask them to make space for that and to sign

9:09 up for that and we're doing the same for them.

9:12 The right person isn't the person who would be right for us if

9:15 only we had never been through a divorce and didn't have issues from that.

9:19 If only we hadn't had parents who caused

9:22 us trauma that we're now having to untangle.

9:24 That's not the right person.

9:25 The right person is the person who either understands where we're

9:28 at or seeks to understand where we're at or likes us

9:32 or loves us enough that they're going to be with us

9:34 through the stage that we're at and is in for that ride.

9:38 I'm not saying that someone else is responsible for everything

9:42 we do and the problems we bring to a relationship.

9:45 I'm not saying that we shouldn't take responsibility for working on ourselves.

9:49 But I am saying that the right person two the two right people for each other

9:54 are two people who see where the other person is in their life and says yes.

10:00 Speaking of moments of friction that instantly end a relationship.

10:05 The fourth sign that someone is right for us

10:08 is that the relationship can actually handle these difficult moments.

10:14 The right relationship isn't brittle.

10:17 I know that in my most anxious moments of dating personally,

10:23 I have tortured myself over a text that I sent

10:27 that then didn't get a response or an argument I caused

10:31 in a moment of jealousy or frustration that then created coldness

10:41 and made me go away thinking I have ruined the whole thing.

10:45 And many of you, I know, will relate to that, that feeling of having

10:48 your first argument with someone and then going, "Well, it was nice knowing you.

10:52 I'm going to go and get my toothbrush." Our hope, obviously,

10:55 when we do something like this is that the person looks at us and goes,

10:58 "What are you talking about?

11:00 It's fine.

11:01 Stop it.

11:02 Go get your pajamas on with it's movie night."

11:05 That's the relationship that we want to be in.

11:08 It's the relationship where we can actually butt heads with someone.

11:14 But the way that we resolve it is quite beautiful

11:18 and it's forgiving and we make space for the screw-ups.

11:22 I know that sometimes when I was anxious

11:25 after a fight in a relationship or, you know,

11:28 when I felt like I'd sent the wrong thing,

11:31 sometimes it was just my anxiety and it was unwarranted.

11:35 But other times it was a reflection of the fact

11:37 that I genuinely wasn't safe in that relationship.

11:40 I instinctively knew that this person was not accepting of me or was

11:46 quick to judgment and was looking at me with that highly scrutinizing lens.

11:51 The right relationship has great suspension.

11:54 You may still feel the speed bump when you go over it,

11:57 but the car continues on its journey.

11:59 I want to finish by talking about the difference

12:01 between who we think is right for us and who

12:04 is actually right for us which are often two

12:07 very different things which causes us a lot of distress.

12:12 There is a writer a British writer David

12:14 White who I once read describing an intense

12:19 feeling of jealousy he had when he went

12:21 into another writer's house and saw his writing space.

12:26 He went to this guy's house in Ireland and he saw this gorgeous room with a desk

12:31 that looked out of a window onto rolling

12:34 hills with mountains in the background and he

12:37 just thought this is the dream writing space

12:41 and he was overcome with jealousy as he

12:44 thought about how he needed a writing space like this in which to do his work.

12:49 But at a certain point once he left

12:51 it dawned on him that his actual writing space,

12:55 the space that worked for him was far more austere.

12:58 The real thing he needed was the intense focus of his mind,

13:03 which very quickly made all of that beautiful background fade into the distance.

13:08 Anyway, there is a huge difference between what

13:11 we desire and what will make us happy.

13:15 We want what we seem not to be able to have.

13:19 We often want the person that we seem not to be able to hold on to.

13:24 But this becomes a way of watching real

13:27 life and the opportunities it brings pass us by.

13:31 Our resistance to leaning into that life,

13:35 real life is often the result of seeing real life as a consolation prize.

13:41 the person that is presenting to me as an option

13:45 as somehow my way of quitting or settling for less.

13:49 But when we do that, we can actually miss a situation

13:54 or a person who is far more appropriate for us.

13:59 Someone who is actually right for us and someone whose rightness will only

14:04 be seen if we can lean in to what we have with them.

14:09 We can see their beauty.

14:11 We can see the potential with them.

14:13 I fundamentally believe and I've come to believe that it's the love

14:17 and attention we give something that gives it a chance to truly blossom.

14:21 That gives us a chance to see what it could be.

14:23 I'm not saying that you can make things blossom with anyone.

14:27 I'm saying that there are people that are far more right for us than the people

14:31 we're fixated on that we never see blossom

14:34 because we never give our attention to them.

14:37 We are so busy looking for the flowers in life that we fail to take

14:40 up our responsibility as a gardener whose job it is to bring the flowers about.

14:46 The problem with our fixation on someone who isn't even choosing

14:51 us or is seeing us casually for a situationship that isn't

14:55 offering us a real committed relationship is that so much

14:59 of what has us fixating on them is an imagined rightness.

15:04 It didn't grow organically out of the two of us weaving our stories

15:09 together in a way that you know after years of being together I look

15:13 back and say God this this person is so right for me and I

15:17 am so right for them and that is so clear to me in hindsight.

15:20 It didn't come from that.

15:22 It's an imagined rightness that's born out

15:24 of a desire to have them born out of ego.

15:28 Often out of insecurity that I won't be enough

15:31 unless I can prove that I can get them.

15:34 The compatibility we imagine is not a natural

15:36 outcome of how we in fact are together,

15:39 but how we imagine we might be together given the chance.

15:44 The reality of what will make us feel calm and content in a relationship

15:48 may be totally different from what we lust after in early dating.

15:52 What will actually make a great relationship is one

15:55 in which we can continuously see ourselves giving to.

15:59 Not out of a desperate desire to make someone love us,

16:03 but because we find ourselves deeply and generously loving them.

16:07 Not for how impressive they are,

16:09 but for how much we appreciate their deeper nature

16:12 and how grateful we become for their generous interpretation of us.

16:17 In other words, it is not a rightness that has been earned.

16:21 It is a rightness we are attributing to the situation simply because we want it.

4 Ways To Spot Somebody Who's Right For You

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