Your Questions on Relationships, Self-Love, and Nomad Life, Solved
Mark Manson
0:00 Welcome back everybody to the Solved Podcast.
0:02 The last podcast you will ever need.
0:05 I'm your host Mark Manson and we have a very special episode for you today.
0:09 Yes, it is our oneyear anniversary of the Solve Podcast.
0:13 It's been an incredible year.
0:15 We've published 20 episodes, had over 20 million downloads,
0:19 changed countless lives, and made lots of really bad poop jokes.
0:24 On top of that, we just reached 3 million subscribers on YouTube,
0:29 so it's even more of a time to celebrate.
0:31 And to do that, I'm going to do a Q&A episode with our community.
0:35 You guys sent in over 200 questions and we're
0:38 going to cover a lot of ground today, including advice on overcoming addiction,
0:42 how to defeat procrastination even if you have ADHD,
0:45 getting over a quote unquote perfect X,
0:48 practical tips around gratitude and the limits of self-acceptance,
0:52 and of course, once again, as always, we will talk about finding your purpose.
0:57 That seems to be a popular question with you all.
1:00 But before we get to that, I want to take care of a little bit of housekeeping
1:02 and make some practical announcements about the show,
1:05 where things are going, and what our plans are for the rest of 2026 and beyond.
1:10 So for those of you who listen regularly,
1:13 you have probably noticed that over the past 3 or four months,
1:16 we have experimented with doing uh shorter episodes,
1:20 more frequent episodes, uh different sorts of formats,
1:23 highlight clips, um short 20, 30 minute solo episodes of just me.
1:30 And a lot of this experimentation to give
1:32 you a little bit of visibility behind the scenes,
1:35 basically what it comes down to is what we were running into last
1:38 year is that when you're only doing
1:40 one massive 5-hour episode every single month,
1:43 that puts a lot of pressure and expectation on that single episode.
1:48 And so what myself and Drew and the team were
1:51 experiencing is just that like we're throwing hundreds and hundreds
1:55 of hours each month into this one episode and if it
1:58 doesn't perform it kind of felt like the sky was falling.
2:02 And so we we started thinking of like okay well
2:05 maybe we can kind of branch out and do some
2:06 shorter shows and um you know have some spin-offs and have
2:10 highlights that we can revisit and add to the feed.
2:13 And while that was a useful experiment, the team and I have decided that we are
2:18 actually going to double down on the super long episodes.
2:21 Starting in June, we are going back to the single solved episode each month.
2:27 And that episode is going to be as comprehensive as possible.
2:31 It will follow the show's promise of attempting to be the last
2:34 episode you will ever need to listen to on that topic.
2:38 And we just decided that we would rather go big or go home.
2:41 In the meantime, we have a couple more episodes lined up for May.
2:44 So, in a couple weeks, we have an episode on how to stop being anxious where
2:48 we review all of the research on the best interventions for anxiety.
2:52 That's been a much requested topic from you guys.
2:56 And then a couple weeks after that, we're going
2:58 to do an episode on why people stay in bad relationships.
3:01 Both of those episodes are going to be a little bit shorter,
3:04 probably in the two to 2 and 1/2 hour range.
3:07 Um, and they're going to cover narrower topics.
3:10 But then in June, we're back to the original format.
3:13 We're back to the original large episodes.
3:16 We're back to going allin and trying to solve one area of your life.
3:19 Now, when we go back to these episodes,
3:21 we are going to do it a little bit differently.
3:23 Uh there's going to be a little bit more promotion involved on the YouTube side.
3:27 We're going to slice up these episodes into five or six different parts
3:31 and drip them out over the course of probably a week or 10 days.
3:36 A lot of that is simply because the YouTube algorithm punishes 5-hour
3:40 videos and so we we don't want to be punished by the algorithm.
3:43 But also, we've noticed that more people on YouTube like
3:46 to digest the episodes in smaller chunks at a time.
3:49 If you're listening on Spotify or Apple or any other podcasting platform,
3:54 uh you will still be able to get the entire episode on day one all at once.
3:58 And lastly, I'm excited to announce that the PDF guides are coming back.
4:03 You guys can stop griping in the comments.
4:05 You can stop sending me angry emails screaming, "Where are the guides?
4:09 I want my guide.
4:10 Why did you stop doing the guides?" We
4:12 stopped doing the guides because the more frequent,
4:14 shorter episodes, it it just became impractical to to create them.
4:17 It takes a lot of work to write them out,
4:20 format them, create all the designs and everything.
4:23 But if we are doing that one larger episode each month,
4:26 then it does make sense again to make those guides.
4:28 So, the guides will be coming back beginning in June.
4:31 uh you will be able to get them
4:32 for free and work through them at your own leisure.
4:35 So that should be good news for all of you guys.
4:37 All right, so without further ado,
4:39 I'm going to get straight into your questions.
4:41 The first question comes from King Eddie.
4:43 He asks, "How does a person who's facing addiction without any control?
4:46 Each time after they make it a few good weeks without doing the activity,
4:50 they revert and relapse and they're flooded
4:53 with feelings and thoughts of regret and guilt.
4:55 How do you handle that?
4:57 How do you get back on the wagon and try
4:59 again?" This is a great question and this is
5:02 incredibly common for anybody who's trying to quit
5:04 a bad habit or quit any sort of addictive behavior, whatever it might be.
5:08 The problem is that you're relying on your feelings and not your systems.
5:13 So, what happens is you want to quit something.
5:15 Let's say smoking.
5:17 You get really worked up.
5:18 You get all hyped.
5:19 You're like, "I'm finally going to do it this time.
5:21 This is going to be it.
5:23 This is the time I'm going to change." Maybe you line up a bunch of plans
5:27 or tell a bunch of people and you do great for the first week or two.
5:31 But the problem is is that that feeling
5:33 eventually waines and pretty soon you're left with all
5:36 of the feelings that the activity in this case
5:39 smoking was numbing and covering up before.
5:42 And so when those underlying feelings come up, you start to feel awful.
5:46 Maybe it's you're overwhelmed by anxiety.
5:49 Or maybe there's a deep sadness or depression down there.
5:52 Or maybe you're just like incredibly bored and undisiplined.
5:56 And when that happens, you naturally desperately want to go back to the activity
5:59 that was numbing and moderating those underlying feelings.
6:03 So the problem here is not the feelings.
6:05 The feelings are completely normal and natural.
6:07 The problem is that you have not planned for those feelings.
6:11 You have not systematized around those feelings.
6:14 You have to count on the fact that you're going to lose
6:16 enthusiasm at a certain point and then you and then you're going
6:19 to have to face a bunch of underlying emotions that you've struggled
6:22 with in the past or that you've probably never dealt with before.
6:25 So the best thing for this in my opinion
6:27 is simply developing an accountability system.
6:30 So finding other people who are either on the same path
6:33 as you or people who can hold you accountable so you
6:37 can reach out to them when you're tempted to indulge
6:40 in whatever compulsion or addiction that you're trying to get rid of.
6:43 And then talk to them about those feelings, right?
6:46 It's like, man, I'm 3 weeks into not drinking.
6:49 I'm really struggling.
6:50 I'm like, you know, freaking out.
6:52 I'm anxious all the time.
6:54 I'm not sleeping well.
6:55 And then having somebody there who like understands what you're going through,
6:58 can talk you through it.
6:59 um can empathize with you and can just be kind of like
7:04 a rock for you to hold on to during that period.
7:07 This is why AA and other addiction programs are so successful
7:12 is because of those ingrained accountability systems that they have for people.
7:17 There's a place you can go every single day if you're freaking out and you
7:20 think you're going to drink again or you think you're going to use again.
7:23 So again, the issue is not the feelings here.
7:25 The feelings are completely natural.
7:27 they're actually part of the process.
7:29 The failure here is to plan for those feelings and to build a system
7:33 around them and to know what you're going to do when those feelings arise.
7:37 The other way to address this is to replace the behavior with another behavior.
7:42 So there's tons of research on addiction and they find
7:44 that simply quitting the addiction is most people are not very successful.
7:48 But when you replace one addiction with another,
7:51 in this case a healthier addiction, people are much more successful.
7:54 So perhaps you uh replace smoking with working out or um
8:01 drinking with I don't know ice cream or video games or whatever.
8:05 It sounds ridiculous, but allowing yourself to have a safer,
8:11 healthier compulsive behavior instead of like
8:13 a very destructive compulsive behavior
8:15 can be the thing that saves you from the destructive compulsive behavior.
8:19 Next question.
8:20 This comes from fro style.
8:21 He says, "I feel like the most difficult
8:23 thing for most people is to prioritize delayed gratification.
8:26 No matter what tips that I apply in my life,
8:28 I always cave into instant pleasure.
8:31 No matter how easy I make it or how
8:32 satisfying I make it or how enjoyable I make it,
8:35 playing video games or doom scrolling is always more appealing.
8:39 I think the fact that I have ADHD makes this even worse." So,
8:42 what I'm hearing here is that you've
8:43 applied a lot of the conventional productivity tips.
8:46 You know, make the thing fun, make it appealing, make it easy.
8:48 This is all stuff from like Atomic Habits
8:50 or Ali Abdoll's work and it's not working for you.
8:53 Why?
8:54 Because[ __] video games are really fun.
8:57 And I don't care how fun you make your work,
9:00 it's never going to be quite as fun as a good video game.
9:02 My advice for people like this, and I speak to you as somebody who has ADHD
9:07 and has struggled horribly with procrastination in the past
9:11 and also loves video games and doom scrolling,
9:14 you have to treat yourself like a dog that shits on the carpet.
9:18 Like, you can't trust yourself.
9:21 We are animals at the base level.
9:24 And so, you have to go into this expecting that you're
9:28 going to behave like an animal at the base level.
9:31 So, if you have a dog that's[ __] on the carpet all the time, what do you do?
9:35 You set up little fences in your house,
9:37 you get rid of uh maybe you get rid of a rug
9:40 in the kitchen cuz he's going to[ __] on it,
9:43 so you'd rather clean up a tile floor than a nice carpet.
9:46 You put him outside certain times each day, right?
9:49 Like you build systems and structure around the dog.
9:53 You don't expect the dog to stop being a dog.
9:56 But for some reason, when it comes to ourselves,
9:59 we expect our inner dog to stop being a dog.
10:01 We we expect our inner selves to suddenly
10:04 stop enjoying video games and start enjoying,
10:08 I don't know, doing the dishes or our homework.
10:11 And it's just not going to happen.
10:13 And if you are somebody with ADHD and you
10:15 have a mind that is very predisposed to procrastination,
10:18 then you have to get religious about this.
10:20 Like you have to get actually extreme.
10:23 When I was in my second year of university,
10:26 I literally sold all my game consoles because I had a very stark realization,
10:30 which which was that I was playing so many video games that I realized I'm like,
10:35 I can have grades, I can have a social life, or I can play video games.
10:39 I cannot have all three.
10:40 I can only have two of those three.
10:42 So, obviously, one of them's got to go.
10:45 And the only way that I was able to actually implement
10:48 that into my life was to sell all my game systems, all my games.
10:52 And then once I didn't have access to them anymore,
10:56 I started studying because I had nothing else to do.
10:58 I was bored as[ __] So I'm like, might as well open a book and actually read it.
11:03 So you you have to get quasi religious about this.
11:06 Like you have to if you really want your life to change,
11:10 you have to alter your environment in an extremely strict way.
11:14 Like imagine if you were a parent of a small
11:17 child and you wanted to protect that child from itself.
11:21 What would you do?
11:22 You would remove the things from the child's environment.
11:25 You wouldn't sit there and yell at the child to like stop being a child.
11:29 So do the same thing with yourself.
11:31 Next question comes from Project Soma.
11:34 They ask more and more neuroscientists
11:36 talk about manifestation in a practical way, not like the secret.
11:40 What mechanism does this involve and can we really apply it?
11:44 H this is my pet peeve topic.
11:50 So manifestation it is making a huge comeback and it's
11:55 becoming extremely trendy on Instagram and Tik Tok right now.
11:58 You see all these videos of people being like
12:02 I'm a neuroscientist and this is why manifestation is real.
12:05 And then they go on to describe something that is not scientific whatsoever.
12:10 So this is a tricky and nuanced topic and the thing that is true is
12:14 not the thing that goes viral and the thing
12:16 that goes viral is not completely true.
12:18 So, does manifestation exist?
12:22 Yeah, sort of to a certain extent.
12:25 Like, what is it scientifically speaking?
12:28 Well, basically the best way to think about it is that you and I,
12:33 we're flooded by way more information
12:36 in our environment than we can actually process.
12:38 I forget what the exact ratio is.
12:40 If Drew was here, he'd probably know it off the top of his head,
12:42 but generally speaking,
12:44 we're exposed to like a thousand times more stimulus in our environment
12:50 than our brain is actually able to process each second.
12:53 So, our brain has developed a bunch of systems
12:56 of like filtration and screening of the information
13:00 that we allow into our consciousness in order
13:02 to actually like properly comprehend what's going on.
13:05 So this is why like something can happen right in front
13:08 of your face and you like don't even notice it
13:10 because it's not relevant to what you're paying attention
13:13 to and your brain is not processing that information at that moment.
13:18 There's this mechanism inside of our minds
13:20 called the reticular activation system.
13:22 And what the reticular activation system does
13:25 is that it fil it is that filtration
13:27 system of our environment based on what is relevant to our wants and needs.
13:33 And so what manifestation does is that it has
13:36 you consciously focus more on the thing that you want.
13:40 And by focusing more on the thing that you want,
13:42 you prime your reticular activation system to notice things
13:46 in your environment that are relevant to the thing that you want.
13:50 And so you start noticing the things
13:51 that are relevant to the thing that you want,
13:53 even though they were there the entire time.
13:56 So up to this point, like I'm on board with all this.
13:59 This is this is just like good psychology.
14:03 Where the manifestation crowd loses me is they start inserting
14:07 all this cosmological nonsense about the universe delivering to you
14:11 the thing that you want because your energy is vibrating
14:16 or and like is bringing you a taco on Tuesday morning.
14:20 Like it it makes no sense.
14:22 The vibration thing doesn't make sense.
14:25 The universe does not give a[ __] about you.
14:27 This is purely something happening inside of your head.
14:30 And by simply focusing and thinking about the thing that you want in your life,
14:34 you are priming your your conscious mind to be more aware of things
14:38 related to the thing that you want as you move through your life.
14:42 In psychology, this is known as the frequency illusion.
14:45 And a simple example is like let's say you
14:48 decide that you want to buy a new car.
14:50 You want to buy a new car.
14:51 So you're thinking about cars.
14:52 Now, because you're thinking about cars,
14:55 suddenly when you're in traffic each day,
14:57 you're looking at all the cars around you and you're asking yourself,
15:00 I wonder how that one is.
15:01 I wonder how much that costs.
15:03 Those cars were always there.
15:06 It's just you never paid attention to them before because
15:08 they were not relevant to the thing that you wanted.
15:10 So, it's not that the universe is delivering you traffic because you want a car.
15:14 It's like, no, no, no.
15:16 You're focusing on something different in the traffic because you want a car.
15:21 The key thing to understand though about the manifestation thing is
15:25 that simply thinking about the thing you want is not sufficient.
15:28 Right?
15:29 So like I can think about wanting a car
15:31 and I can look around traffic and be like,
15:34 "Wow, look at all these cars around me." It's
15:35 the universe delivering opportunities to have a new car.
15:39 That's not enough in and of itself.
15:40 The research on manifestation shows that manifestation only quote unquote
15:44 works if it is coupled with a plan of action.
15:48 So I want a car.
15:49 I'm gonna start paying attention to cars.
15:51 I'm gonna think about cars.
15:54 And I'm going to save up money so that I will have a certain
15:56 budget by a certain time so I can actually go[ __] buy a car.
15:59 If you just sit on the couch and think about cars all the time,
16:02 the universe is not going to air deliver a car to your front door.
16:06 That's not how it works.
16:07 And this is where and this is where I think a lot of people get messed up.
16:12 Next question.
16:13 Mr.
16:14 Dan asks a very long one and I'm going to paraphrase it here.
16:17 Basically, he says, "Does confidence only come from competence?
16:20 People on YouTube are always talking about building evidence,
16:23 but if you look at young children, they are often confident to try new things,
16:26 even though they don't have any confidence or experience in anything.
16:29 Therefore, maybe confidence isn't simply
16:31 about developing competence or experience,
16:33 but there's some underlying belief that is the actual source of confidence."
16:37 I love this question because it has become very trendy on YouTube
16:41 and among like productivity and make money people to like shout
16:44 at you like build evidence and that's just one part of the equation.
16:48 So one way to think about this is
16:50 that there is trait confidence and state confidence.
16:53 State confidence is very contextual right?
16:56 So it's like state confidence is um let's say you're a musician
17:01 and you've performed your whole life and you've practiced 10,000 hours.
17:05 When you go on stage, you're probably going to be very confident.
17:08 You're going to be a great performer.
17:09 You're going to feel really good.
17:11 You're going to be a badass when you're up there.
17:14 But then you come off stage and you get put
17:16 in a social situation that you've never been in before.
17:19 And maybe you're socially awkward and you don't have
17:21 good social skills and suddenly you have no confidence.
17:24 Right?
17:24 That's state confidence.
17:26 State confidence is basically determined by are you
17:30 good at the thing you are currently doing?
17:32 And we've all met people and we've all probably been
17:35 the person who is extremely confident in one area of our lives,
17:39 but totally unconfident and insecure in other areas of our lives.
17:43 That's very natural and that's where the build evidence advice comes from.
17:49 If you want to be confident on stage, the way you do it is you get on stage
17:54 a 100 times and then you start to build that confidence.
17:58 But then there's another thing called trait confidence.
18:00 And that is kind of this underlying permanent
18:03 state of a belief that you can handle things.
18:07 And this is where a lot of people get
18:09 blocked before they can even start building that evidence.
18:13 So there are some people who are like, I want to be confident on stage.
18:17 I understand that the way to do that is to get on stage a 100 times.
18:21 That's going to suck and I'm probably going to make a fool of myself,
18:24 but I got to start somewhere.
18:25 So let's get started.
18:27 That is somebody with high trait confidence but low low state confidence.
18:31 If you have low trait confidence,
18:33 then you're going to look at, I want to get confident on stage.
18:37 I'm going to have to get on stage a 100 times and make a fool of myself.
18:41 That sounds awful.
18:42 I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it.
18:44 Let's find an excuse to not get on stage.
18:46 And so all of this advice about building evidence,
18:48 it's totally appropriate when you're trying to build trade confidence,
18:52 but it is not useful at all when you're trying to build trait confidence.
18:55 Ultimately, trait confidence comes down to how you feel about yourself.
18:59 It comes down to your belief that you're going to be able to handle adversity,
19:03 deal with challenges, handle rejection, deal with setbacks.
19:07 Um, and a lot of this is very much formed in childhood, right?
19:11 Because as you point out, Mr.
19:13 Dan, children when they're trying to do
19:15 something and they're like four years old,
19:17 they don't sit there and and agonize about it.
19:20 They're not like, "Oh, I if I try to kick this ball and miss,
19:24 I'm going to look stupid, so I'm just not going to try to kick the ball." No,
19:27 kids just do things and then they fall in their face and they
19:31 and they make a fool of themselves and they get up and they try again.
19:34 What happens is that somewhere along in childhood,
19:37 that recovery and support after the failure isn't there for them.
19:42 Right?
19:43 So, this is this is where we start
19:45 to get into parenting and trauma and self-esteem, right?
19:48 Like if you had a chaotic childhood where failure was not tolerated,
19:53 where you did not have loving caretakers who
19:55 came in and supported you when something went wrong,
19:57 who encouraged you to get up and try again,
20:00 then you're not going to build that that underlying trait confidence.
20:03 And so you're not going to have the courage or the self-belief
20:07 to build the evidence to develop state confidence later on in life.
20:11 Um the good news is is you can build trait confidence as an adult.
20:15 It just sucks and is really hard and probably requires a lot of therapy.
20:20 Next question.
20:21 Walt Rothschild asks,
20:23 "Will the OG Markman Manson blog ever make a comeback?" No,
20:28 but I started a Substack.
20:30 You can go to markmanson.substack.com.
20:33 Check it out.
20:34 I'm having fun with it.
20:35 So, we'll we'll see what happens.
20:36 Glitch operator asks,
20:38 "I've been in conflict between what I want to pursue in life as a career.
20:41 On the one hand, I'm going to university
20:43 for an IT degree and I'm following the crowd.
20:46 On the other hand, I really want to follow my passion,
20:48 which is fitness, and help people as a trainer.
20:51 It has been hard for me to give time to start as a personal
20:53 trainer as my degree's workload is taking up so much of my time and focus.
20:57 I fear that I will regret not starting in fitness right now,
21:00 being in my earlier 20s, and I should just forget about following my passion
21:04 and stick to the security that a university degree offers.
21:07 I picked this question because I get this a variation
21:10 of this question from so many 20some year olds.
21:14 I think in most cases the answer is do both.
21:19 You don't have to go allin on either of them.
21:21 There's significant value in doing both of them
21:25 to a more minimal level at the moment.
21:28 Right?
21:29 So, the degree, it's probably worth getting the degree simply because that sets
21:35 you up with security and opportunities for the rest of your life.
21:38 You don't need to make straight A's.
21:40 You don't need to be at the top of your class,
21:42 but getting that piece of paper will open and keep open more doors
21:47 throughout your life um than almost anything else you can do at your age.
21:51 But you should also pursue your passion as a side hustle, as a hobby,
21:56 as something to work on on the side for a few reasons.
22:00 One is to get some early experience doing it.
22:03 Second, to discover if this is something that you
22:06 could actually do for the rest of your life,
22:07 that it's something that you do love as much as you think it is,
22:10 and also to kind of prepare yourself,
22:13 gain some knowledge and experience before you do decide
22:16 whether to go all in on it or not.
22:18 We just did a whole episode on the question of passion versus purpose.
22:21 And I think the resolution of that episode was
22:24 that it doesn't have to be one or the other.
22:26 Sometimes it can be both.
22:27 Sometimes it can be a little bit of each one.
22:30 These are not necessarily either or situations.
22:33 I think it's a passion is something that you can slowly lean into over time.
22:38 You don't necessarily need to like cut off every other
22:41 thing in your life and go all in on it today.
22:44 Also, just as like a PSA,
22:47 if you're listening to this and you're under the age of 25
22:50 and you ever insinuate that it's too late to do something,
22:55 do yourself a favor and slap yourself in the[ __] face.
22:59 Thank you.
23:00 V Pulverize asks, "I'm wondering what your advice would be to prevent
23:03 having severe and regular I'm going to die" level panic attacks.
23:07 I've got two pieces of advice here.
23:09 And the first one is just my generic panic attack advice in general,
23:12 which is stop trying to prevent them.
23:15 Panic attacks are are weird.
23:17 Anxiety in general is weird in that it's like it's the effort
23:20 to prevent it is part of what makes it so powerful and overwhelming.
23:24 And so if you simply remove the fear
23:27 and the resistance and be willing to let them happen, ironically,
23:31 they will tend to happen less and less often
23:34 and they will they will be less overwhelming when they do.
23:37 But secondly, if you really are having full-blown
23:39 I am going to die level panic attacks regularly,
23:43 um I would definitely speak to a professional because
23:46 this could be a case where medication could be life-changing.
23:49 Steve H asks, "How do I stay interested
23:52 and in touch with adult siblings who don't act reciprocally?" Yes,
23:55 I must be the one who initiates contact every time.
23:58 It's going one way all the time.
24:00 I want more and more than how's the weather.
24:03 I[ __] hear you, Steve.
24:04 I come from an entire family that is pretty terrible at communication.
24:09 It's funny, too, cuz we all get along.
24:11 Like, when we're in the room together, we get along great.
24:14 But when we're not in the room together,
24:15 like nobody talks, nobody reaches out, nobody It's frustrating.
24:21 And I definitely went through a period in my 20s and 30s where I
24:26 decided that I was going to fix this, that I was going to be
24:29 the one to reach out and I was going to Hector people and and bother
24:34 them and ping them and plan trips with everybody and all all this stuff.
24:39 And I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side of this, Steve.
24:43 And I'm here to tell you, you you can't control it.
24:47 You can't control them.
24:48 You can't make them do anything.
24:50 If you guilt them, it's just going to make them resent you,
24:54 and it's going to make them less likely to reach out.
24:56 Um, if you get mad at them, it's just going to ruin Thanksgiving and make
25:02 them want to spend less time with you.
25:04 Um, and eventually, if you're initiating
25:07 everything and putting in all the effort,
25:09 you're going to become resentful and want to spend less time with them.
25:12 Ultimately, you just have to let them be who
25:17 they are and accommodate that relationship the best you can.
25:23 This is the tricky thing with family is that there are people that you love,
25:28 but you didn't get to pick who they are.
25:30 And so, you have to do your best to find ways uh to make
25:36 the time that you do get with them as easy and as enjoyable as possible.
25:42 And so I definitely recommend accepting them for who they are and working
25:46 with them where they are instead of trying to get them to change.
25:50 Question from new beginning for me.
25:52 How do I get over an ex when that person is perfect?
25:58 They are not perfect.
26:00 And the fact that you think they're perfect is why you can't get over them.
26:04 So take them down off that pedestal.
26:07 Take a sledgehammer to it.
26:10 __] throw it in a dumpster somewhere, set it on fire,
26:13 and force yourself to see this person for what they are,
26:17 which is a very flawed, complicated human being.
26:21 Don't just do this for yourself.
26:23 Do it for them, too.
26:25 Because the fact that you think they're
26:27 perfect is not doing them any favors, either.
26:30 It's actually probably a big reason why they're
26:33 not with you or they were never with you.
26:35 is that if somebody thinks you're perfect, that puts a lot of pressure
26:39 and expectation on you that is completely unreasonable.
26:42 It gives you a a power over somebody that is not right.
26:46 So, it's not good for them and it's not good for you.
26:49 So, why do you keep doing it?
26:51 My guess is that you have idealized this person
26:54 and decided that they are some form of perfection.
26:57 There's something in you that needs to believe
26:59 that there's a perfect person out there for you.
27:01 And the truth is there's not.
27:03 There's a bunch of messy, complicated people who are still very lovable
27:07 and are still great to be in a relationship
27:09 with, but until you realize that, this is not going to get any better.
27:14 Crazy Chic asks, "When is the Android version of Purpose coming
27:18 out?" Not only are we working on it, it is imminent.
27:21 For those of you who don't know, uh, Purpose is my AI coaching app.
27:25 It's a the first AI that is specifically
27:28 built and optimized for personal growth and development.
27:31 Challenges you on your[ __] It calls out your blind spots.
27:34 It helps you work through difficult decisions and find clarity on things.
27:37 So, if you want to check it out, go to purpose.app.
27:40 And yes, Android is coming soon.
27:42 Very, very soon.
27:42 It actually might be out now.
27:44 Also have a lot of big exciting
27:46 announcements for Purpose over the next couple weeks.
27:48 So, do stay tuned.
27:50 Um, more on that in a minute though.
27:52 Spotle asks, "First off,
27:54 just wanted to say thank you for everything you do and everything you are.
27:57 You're an absolute definition of a role model.
28:00 You hear that guys?
28:01 and I just can't thank you enough for all
28:03 the helpful advice and knowledge that you've given.
28:06 There's a lot of questions I love to ask.
28:08 The biggest one I want to ask is how
28:09 did you learn to truly love and respect yourself?
28:11 Uh the person goes on to describe a fear of failure,
28:13 rejection, and a dream of getting into acting and film making.
28:17 So the the self-love self-acceptance question
28:19 is really interesting because it tends
28:21 to get marketed to people as this like feel-good like hey you've
28:25 got to love yourself and it's like an Instagram influencer in a bubble
28:30 bath being like this is how I learned to love myself.
28:33 It's not really like that.
28:34 So like think about parenting.
28:36 Some of parenting is fun and and exciting,
28:40 but a lot of parenting is just getting a child to do
28:44 something they don't want to do because it's good for them.
28:49 And that sucks.
28:50 Like that's hard.
28:51 It's stressful.
28:53 It's tiring.
28:54 It's repetitive.
28:56 And self-love is the same way.
28:58 Most of self-love is it's not fun and exciting.
29:01 It's not a[ __] bubble bath.
29:03 It is getting yourself out of bed at the same time every day.
29:07 It's doing your taxes on time.
29:10 It's budgeting each month so that you're not,
29:13 you know, maxing out your credit card.
29:16 All of these things are forms of self-love.
29:18 All of these things are the tiring,
29:22 tedious things that you don't really want to do,
29:26 but you do them anyway because you love yourself.
29:29 And so I think that reframe of seeing self-love not as something
29:33 that like makes you feel good about yourself all the time,
29:35 but rather somebody who's willing to do
29:37 uncomfortable things for the benefit of oneself,
29:41 that's the muscle you actually want to exercise and grow.
29:44 And so when you are confronted with situations
29:47 of potential rejection or failure or embarrassment,
29:50 if you are already practicing doing uncomfortable things for yourself,
29:56 then putting yourself in that those situations is going
29:59 to feel way less intimidating and way less terrifying.
30:02 Cirrus asks, "What should you do when no accomplishment feels like
30:06 an accomplishment and you can only recall your failures?" I don't know, man.
30:09 start a[ __] podcast cuz this is this feels like the story of my life.
30:13 It's interesting.
30:14 Back in April on the self-help interventions episode,
30:19 Drew and I talked about uh gratitude practices and gratitude journaling.
30:24 I think this is a perfect example of when
30:28 some sort of gratitude practice is useful, right?
30:30 Like if you feel like everything good you do is not good enough
30:33 and then everything bad you do just like lingers in your brain forever,
30:38 this is when it's probably good to sit down
30:40 and actually consciously develop the muscle of finding things
30:44 in your life that are actually great and that you're
30:46 happy about and you can feel proud of.
30:48 And sometimes this takes work.
30:50 Uh it's it's it doesn't come naturally to some people.
30:54 I definitely tend to be a person who is like in kind
30:57 of a perpetual state of mild dissatisfaction about everything at all times.
31:02 It could be a downer sometime.
31:03 It's like sometimes I have to very consciously like force myself
31:07 to zoom out a little bit and think about how great things
31:10 are and how fortunate I am and um give myself a little
31:14 bit of credit for some of the things that I've done.
31:16 And it it it's it's hard.
31:18 It doesn't it doesn't come naturally for everybody.
31:20 So it it's I would see it as like a tool
31:23 that you want to develop and put in your toolkit
31:26 just because like if you never do develop this skill then
31:31 yeah it's going to lead you into some pretty dark places.
31:34 Andre Denko asks, "What are your thoughts on religion?
31:38 Your personal journey with different religions such as Christianity,
31:41 Islam, Buddhism, etc.
31:42 I'm curious what your experience has been like
31:44 and what opinions you've formed over time." Okay.
31:48 It's funny because Drew and I joked about doing
31:50 a religion solved episode uh maybe like four months ago.
31:54 Ever since people keep asking for it and I
31:58 keep saying clearly our audience wants us to get cancelled
32:02 because why else would they want a religion episode
32:05 but being serious I would love to do a religion episode.
32:08 I think religion is one of the most fascinating
32:13 and underdised topics from a psychological point of view.
32:17 It's also just like so core and inherent to so
32:20 many people's lives and and human history in general that it
32:24 it just feels like it feels like a massive topic
32:27 that should be addressed or talked about at some point.
32:29 So I would love to do it.
32:31 That said, it's also a very sensitive and controversial topic.
32:34 So I don't want to do it lightly.
32:36 the fact that we are going back to these kind
32:38 of one ep epic episode per month format.
32:42 Um I do think it will create the opportunity
32:44 to do a religion solved episode at some point but probably
32:48 not soon but it it is definitely on the list
32:51 and it is definitely something that I want to do.
32:54 Since you asked though I will give you just
32:55 a brief overview of my experience with rel different religions.
33:00 I grew up in the Bible belt.
33:02 I grew up very Christian, not evangelical,
33:05 but I grew up around a lot of evangelicals.
33:08 And all through my childhood,
33:10 it was church two to three times a week, youth groups, Bible studies,
33:14 I went to a Christian school,
33:16 so we had theology class, we had chapel every single day.
33:19 I I by the time I was 18,
33:21 I got more Jesus than like probably 98% of Christians do their entire lives.
33:29 So, I'm I'm very familiar with the Bible
33:32 and Jesus and the whole the whole thing.
33:35 That said, I decided, you know, when I was about 13, I decided I was an atheist,
33:39 but I never kind of became one of those viralent
33:42 anti-religious atheists like a Sam Harris or a Christopher Hitchens.
33:46 Um, simply because it it was such a foundational
33:49 part of the community that I grew up in.
33:52 Um, and especially as I've gotten older,
33:54 I look back and I see there's just so many positive side effects.
33:58 Like even if you don't believe in the theology,
34:02 there's so many positive side effects that emerge
34:05 as a result of the the community building that happens
34:09 around a religion that I I I honestly
34:11 don't think can be replicated um in other ways.
34:14 It's like I don't think even the most hardcore CrossFit gym is
34:17 even going to approach your your average church in terms of community building.
34:23 Once I got to school,
34:24 I I I personally got very much into Buddhism uh in terms of like practicing.
34:29 I joined um a Buddhist center in Boston when I was in school.
34:33 I used to go to retreats.
34:34 I used to meditate daily.
34:36 Um it was a it was a big part of my life at the time.
34:40 I I'd say within a few years I felt like I kind of hit a ceiling with Buddhism.
34:46 I still think it's the most practical and probably like
34:50 useful religion in terms of like the practices it teaches you,
34:55 but like the place that I got to to go any further,
34:58 you really had to kind of buy into this idea of nirvana and enlightenment.
35:03 And I don't know, I just couldn't quite get on board.
35:06 Um, and man, like sitting and staring at a wall
35:10 for like 20 hours a week, it's a[ __] lot.
35:14 It's a lot.
35:15 And you know, there were a lot of parties I
35:18 needed to go to and girls that demanded my attention.
35:22 So, um, you know, Buddhism kind of got left by the wayside.
35:27 Speaking of girls, um I was uh in a relationship with a a a Jewish girl,
35:34 a a pretty like I wouldn't say like she wasn't like conservative Jewish,
35:38 but like her family was very Jewish.
35:40 Went to Israel with her, spent a lot of time went to temple
35:43 with her, like spent a lot of time around her and her family and her friends.
35:47 So, I got some exposure there.
35:49 And then the Iraq war started when I was in school.
35:51 And so I took a number of classes on Islam as well just
35:54 to understand like kind of what was going on in the Middle East.
35:56 So I've always had a very deep curiosity around religions.
36:01 I find them completely fascinating.
36:04 And as I joke often on the podcast,
36:06 I'm probably the most pro pro-religious atheist you'll ever meet.
36:09 May Jing asks, "I'm an optimistic person finding the good in everything,
36:13 but I finally met the gray area where both black and white are equal.
36:17 For some days now, I've been feeling nothing and asking,
36:20 "What is the point in life anymore?" Yes,
36:22 this dream can fulfill me in the long run, but is it really worth the struggle?
36:25 Because there are bads and sacrifices in everything.
36:27 So, do we acknowledge these feelings or do we just let it be?
36:30 I would say definitely acknowledge them.
36:32 There is a trade-off to everything.
36:34 And what it sounds like to me is
36:36 that your constant optimism and positivity before was not genuine,
36:40 but rather a compensation for things that perhaps
36:44 you didn't want to deal with deep down.
36:46 The truth is is that there is
36:48 a positive and negative in almost every experience.
36:51 There is a sacrifice and trade-off in any pursuit.
36:54 And if you are only focusing on the positive and the upside all the time,
37:00 you are actually setting yourself up for a lot of failure.
37:02 So the fact that you are kind of in this uh
37:07 you know existential vacuum of what matters it
37:12 doesn't feel like progress but I would I would
37:14 be willing to bet that it is progress because when
37:17 you go from kind of constant delusional positivity you
37:21 have to drop back to this level of what really
37:24 matters before you can actually build an optimism that is
37:29 actually informed on sacrifice not in denial about it.
37:33 Lawrence Gutierrez asks, "On the topic of relationships,
37:37 how do you distinguish between having commitment issues or just not
37:40 being into somebody?" Because people say
37:42 that healthy relationships sometimes feel boring.
37:44 But one of your primary pieces of advice is that the[ __] yes or no
37:48 principle where you should only be with someone
37:49 because you're enthusiastic to be with them.
37:51 This is a great question because it can be hard to differentiate sometimes.
37:54 So I would say commitment issues are when you
37:59 imagine there being problems where there actually are no problems.
38:03 Whereas just not being into them means that there
38:06 are no problems but you're still not really satisfied anyway.
38:10 So generally a commitment issue you're going to have there.
38:14 It's going to feel like there's an intense tension within the relationship.
38:18 There going to be days where you're like,
38:19 "Oh my god, I love being with this person.
38:21 I'm so happy I'm with them." And then the next day you're like,
38:24 "Oh my god, get away from me.
38:26 I can't stand being around this person.
38:29 This sucks.
38:30 This is never going to work." And you're kind
38:31 of like on this seessaw going up and down, up and down all the time.
38:36 Whereas, if you're just not into them, you're just going to kind of be bored.
38:41 And I would like to differentiate between being
38:46 bored in a relationship and a relationship being boring.
38:49 Right?
38:50 So, for example, my wife and I's relationship is objectively boring.
38:55 We are very boring together.
39:00 We weren't always this way, but now in our 40s, we were quite boring.
39:04 80% of our relationship these days is like eating dinner together,
39:10 reading books together, sitting on the couch together, me playing video games,
39:15 her like watching a show on her iPad.
39:18 That's like most of it.
39:20 It's not super romantic or exciting, but it doesn't feel boring.
39:26 Like we are both extremely satisfied and happy in those moments.
39:30 In fact, sometimes she and I laugh together because we
39:33 were both big parters when we were younger and we kind
39:37 of laughed that like we enjoy sitting on the couch
39:40 reading books more than we used to enjoy going to parties.
39:44 So that that's an example of like the relationship
39:47 is boring but the people are not bored.
39:50 And I think that's ultimately like what
39:52 a really healthy loving peaceful relationship looks like.
39:56 Whereas if you're just bored with the person
40:00 then yeah you're probably not that into them.
40:02 A ravidon talks asks what's more important
40:04 in life having a purpose or having materialistic success?
40:11 This is actually a complicated question.
40:14 I think most most of you probably expect me to just
40:17 knee-jerk say purpose uh and then move on to the next.
40:20 That's not necessarily the case.
40:22 So I would say there are two key thresholds that the first
40:26 threshold is all of your basic needs being met, right?
40:29 So you've got food, shelter,
40:32 a little bit of financial stability, you've got some warmth,
40:34 you can pay for gas, you can get to your job, whatever.
40:37 like all of your basic needs if they are not
40:40 met then all that matters is materialistic and financial security.
40:45 Purpose is a luxury problem.
40:47 So once you get above your basic needs being
40:50 met then it becomes kind of a mixture of both.
40:53 Like money still matters and having more is going
40:56 to make you happier but it's also not quite enough.
41:00 Like you also want to feel like you're spending
41:02 your time well and doing something that's a little bit meaningful.
41:06 um and that you you're you're excited to get up in the morning, right?
41:10 So once you're past the basic needs, it's kind of a mixture of both.
41:14 I would say the more money you make, the more purpose starts to matter um
41:19 as you kind of move up the socioeconomic ladder.
41:22 And then I would say the the second threshold
41:25 occurs once you reach a place of complete financial security,
41:29 which is you reach a place where you're like, I'm good.
41:33 I've got more money than I need.
41:35 I've got a bunch banked up.
41:36 I'm going to be set and stable for a long time.
41:39 If I don't want to work for a while, I don't have to.
41:42 Like, once you kind of reach that financial escape velocity,
41:46 past that point, it's 100% purpose.
41:49 That's all that matters.
41:50 And it's interesting because once you're at that point,
41:56 you actually have so many more opportunities and directions you could go
42:01 with your life that the question
42:03 of purpose actually becomes incredibly difficult.
42:06 Um it's like I've got all this time and extra money
42:08 and resources and I could invest it into a lot of different things.
42:11 So like what do I actually do with myself?
42:13 It's a very good problem to have, but it is a significant problem to have.
42:19 like people really do get depressed and kind of freak out over it.
42:22 Um whereas when you're kind of in that that middle
42:26 area where you're still want to make more money, but you also want it to matter,
42:31 there's kind of there's a lot of trade-offs going
42:33 on and that money at least narrows your options
42:38 and and gives you a little bit more clarity
42:40 in terms of like what you want to be doing.
42:42 Next question.
42:43 Shasha asks, "How to stop maladaptive
42:47 daydreaming?" So happy you asked this, Shasha.
42:50 Most people probably don't know what maladaptive daydreaming is.
42:54 I did not know what maladaptive daydreaming was
42:56 until I worked on a project back in 2018.
43:01 Uh so I have an Audible only book called Love is Not Enough.
43:05 And what we did for that project um is that we took I think
43:10 it was 10 fans and I coached them over the course of of six
43:14 months and we recorded all the coaching calls and I put together
43:17 an audio book on relationships that large
43:20 was largely based on those coaching calls.
43:23 And there was a woman in in that book named Daphne
43:27 who became extremely fixated on people that she had a crush on.
43:33 And it was like to the point that it was like debilitating fantasies.
43:36 Like she like literally couldn't stop fantasizing
43:39 and it was messing up her life.
43:42 And in the process of working with her, it
43:44 turned out we discovered there was a thing
43:46 called maladaptive daydreaming where it's actually a form
43:50 of OCD of like a a kind of obsessivempulsive disorder.
43:55 But instead of like checking if the door is locked 12 times a day,
43:59 she would fantasize about this person 12 times a day.
44:03 And once we realized that it was kind of this offshoot of OCD,
44:08 then you just kind of treat it as like
44:09 a a compulsive behavior and it and it's actually very very manageable.
44:14 Um, but that being said, you should check out that book,
44:18 Love Is Not Enough, because Daphne and I
44:21 talk all about maladaptive daydreaming in it.
44:23 um and we get into all the ins and outs of it.
44:26 It is a little bit specific to the individual,
44:28 but um I would research um I would research it
44:32 in the context of OCD and kind of treat it as such.
44:36 User Muff asks, "When will the episode on personality be
44:40 released and please include modern frameworks like MBTI and Anogs?" So,
44:46 I'm very excited to announce that our first mega
44:49 episode in June is going to be on change.
44:52 How to change your life, how to change yourself.
44:55 This is going to be a big one.
44:56 Uh this actually started as the episode on personality,
45:01 but as it grew and grew and grew, we realized like no,
45:04 this needs to be like just this mega
45:07 episode on like how do you actually change yourself?
45:10 Can you actually change yourself?
45:12 So, look for that in early June.
45:14 Extremely excited about it.
45:15 I think it's going to be our best episode ever.
45:18 Uh, that said though, if you are a big fan of the MBTI or the Inog,
45:24 probably going to have some bad news for you, but I won't spoil it.
45:29 Ali asks, I had this conversation with somebody.
45:31 They insisted that the ability to grow makes you a better friend.
45:35 I think just improving yourself and growing is more about your relationship
45:38 with yourself and most of it does not affect your relationship with others.
45:41 So, self-improvement or not,
45:43 you could still always have friends who like you for you.
45:45 and I didn't get that their idea
45:47 that growth is an important element of friendship.
45:49 What do you think?
45:50 I think your friend is actually quite wise and this is why.
45:54 First of all, as we talked about
45:56 in our emotions episode and in our friendship episode,
46:00 so much of our personal growth actually happens
46:02 through the relationships that we have in our lives.
46:05 Like humans are are literally designed to co-regulate with one another
46:10 and to uh evolve and grow based on who we're surrounded by.
46:16 There's an old cliche that you are
46:18 the average of the five people closest to you.
46:20 And it's a cliche for a reason because it's it's it's backed up
46:23 by research that the people that we
46:25 surround ourselves with, they set the standard
46:29 by which we tend to judge ourselves
46:31 and they tend to have disproportionate amount
46:34 of influence on us and we have a disproportionate amount of influence on them.
46:37 So if you want to develop a better friendship,
46:40 it makes sense to develop and grow yourself and for them to develop and grow
46:44 because then you are going to be more
46:46 capable of being better friends for each other.
46:48 But there's a second point here that is also super interesting,
46:52 which is that if you do not grow along with your friends,
46:56 then chances are over time you will grow away from your friends.
47:00 See, like when you're only focused on your own growth,
47:03 you can grow in a direction that starts
47:04 to isolate you from the people around you.
47:07 And sometimes that's not a bad thing.
47:10 Uh but sometimes it's it is sad.
47:12 And like if you kind of lose touch with somebody over time,
47:16 you kind of get into your own thing.
47:17 they get into their own thing.
47:19 Next thing you know,
47:20 you hang out a couple years later and you have nothing in common.
47:23 You have nothing to talk about anymore.
47:25 So, I do think there is something to be said of growing together,
47:28 of like finding people who are interested in the same things as you,
47:32 who want to improve themselves in the same ways that you do,
47:35 and then growing alongside each other.
47:38 Uh, because it not only does it help each of you grow faster,
47:41 but it also grows the friendship at the same time.
47:46 Suya asks, "What do you think of morning
47:48 pages and what is your morning routine?" So, for those of you who don't know,
47:53 morning pages are um journaling first thing in the morning.
47:57 I have never done morning pages.
47:59 Uh not not because I don't think it's valuable.
48:01 I I actually I know a number of people
48:03 in my life who swear by journaling first thing in the morning.
48:06 Um I I just think it's an individual thing
48:10 and I never really I'm more of an emergency journaler.
48:13 I journal when like shit's on fire and my life is falling apart,
48:17 but like when things are good, I I don't really crack the journal open.
48:21 But for the fun part,
48:22 so my morning routine is I wake up probably around 6:00 a.m., no alarm.
48:29 Uh by like 6:02, I've cracked open my first energy
48:34 drink and by 6:05 I'm at my desk and working.
48:39 That is my morning routine.
48:41 By the way, I don't think morning routines matter either.
48:44 D asks, "New book when?" I don't know, D.
48:48 One of these days.
48:49 Someday I'll have time to write again.
48:53 Sam Stewart asks, "Have you gone back
48:55 to alcohol since your most recent video on alcohol?
48:58 The one where you said you were thinking about going back?" So, yes, I have.
49:02 I actually drank right around like pretty soon after that video was recorded.
49:07 I think maybe two or three weeks after that video was recorded.
49:10 Um, I was in Mexico with a group of friends and we, it was our last night there.
49:16 I was kind of tired and cranky and a bunch of my friends,
49:20 it's like old friends, people I've known for like 10, 12 years.
49:23 I I don't see them very often.
49:25 I see them maybe once a year at most.
49:27 And they were all drinking.
49:29 They were having a great time.
49:31 I was sitting there like being a[ __] sack of potatoes, a negative Nancy.
49:37 And it was just so clear that I I was sitting there.
49:39 And I'm like, "Okay, if I'm left to my own devices,
49:42 I'm probably going to go back to my room
49:44 and go to bed by like 10:00 and I'm going
49:47 to miss out on like some really fun times
49:50 with a bunch of people that I love and I
49:52 really enjoy being with and I don't see very
49:53 often or I can have a couple margaritas and see
50:00 what happens." And so I had a couple margaritas
50:02 and I saw what happened and I got hammered.
50:06 Um, I had a[ __] great time and I
50:11 don't regret it and I've not had a drink since.
50:14 So, I think my current stance on this is that to just
50:19 really pick and choose my spots in terms of alcohol.
50:23 I think for me the my issue is less about not drinking at all.
50:31 Like I seem to be able to stop kind of whenever I want to.
50:34 The problem is is that if I start, I tend to drink too much.
50:40 So if I just don't allow myself to start, then I'm generally pretty fine.
50:45 And if I do let myself start,
50:47 it should be in a situation that it feels very much called for.
50:51 Um that I'm not going to regret it the next day.
50:53 Like after that night, I woke up hung over the next day and I had zero regrets.
50:57 I was like, that was 100% worth it.
51:00 Don't don't regret it.
51:02 But I think going forward when I'm making that decision,
51:06 I need to think about that like is this am I
51:09 drinking because this is a very special occasion and drinking is going
51:12 to take it from uh an eight to a 10 or am
51:17 I just drinking because I'm bored or anxious or like cranky or whatever?
51:23 CJ Bird asks, "When was a time you changed your mind about something
51:26 that was important to you and what made you change your mind?" Well,
51:30 I decided to drink again.
51:34 That was one reason.
51:36 Um, actually, my whole video on on alcohol on the YouTube channel uh
51:40 from January kind of gets into why uh after three years of not drinking,
51:45 I was considering drinking again.
51:47 But I would say also deciding not to drink was a big time I changed my mind.
51:50 Um, I mean there there are a lot of times
51:52 that I changed my mind and it's it's really quite simple.
51:56 I think it's it's being willing to uh be
51:59 honest with yourself when something is is not working.
52:02 Um be honest with yourself about your feelings and tendencies.
52:08 Uh and being willing to experiment and be wrong.
52:11 Like it's just I think it's it's actually a to me
52:15 I tend to respect people more if they're willing and able
52:18 to change their mind frequently because it tells me that they're
52:22 not they don't have their ego attached to their beliefs.
52:25 Christopher Ferrris asks,
52:27 "Can you please cover the psychology and neurology of hitting rock bottom?
52:30 I know you've covered some of this stuff,
52:32 but I think it could be useful as its own episode.
52:34 Why is it so powerful?" So,
52:36 I know I keep hyping this, but the change episode in June.
52:41 Stay tuned.
52:42 We're going to have a whole whole section on this and it's very fascinating.
52:47 Twisted Tea asks, "I'm in my late 30s.
52:50 Single finances are not an issue,
52:51 and my career gives me flexibility to live pretty much anywhere.
52:54 That puts me at a crossroads that a lot of people face.
52:57 Do you actually pick up and relocate every
52:59 few years or do you plant roots somewhere
53:01 and use your time and resources to travel
53:03 instead?" From everything you've seen from your own experience,
53:06 the research, and the people who write in, what are the real trade-offs,
53:09 not just the obvious lifestyle stuff,
53:10 but the deeper things like identity, relationships, community, personal growth.
53:14 Great question.
53:15 So, I spent eight years of my life,
53:18 seven years of my life being kind of a nomad.
53:21 Um, I've lived all over the world.
53:24 I have picked up and moved many, many times.
53:28 This is what I'll say.
53:29 So the benefits obviously is you get a wealth
53:33 and a a a wide diversity of experiences.
53:37 Um there is nothing quite like going
53:40 and living somewhere different in among a different culture,
53:44 different group of people and really just understanding
53:46 how they live and trying to understand how
53:47 they think and and realizing that there's so
53:51 many ways to live to get through life.
53:55 there's much more diversity of thought and experience
53:56 in the world than you would ever guess or suppose.
54:00 So in that sense I I I would look at it
54:03 more from like a personal enrichment and education point of view.
54:06 Like that's what you really gain.
54:08 Um aside from just understanding different parts
54:11 of the world and different groups of people,
54:12 you also learn things about yourself.
54:15 You learn a lot about your own values.
54:17 uh when you say you live in New York City for a year and then
54:21 you go live in like a small town in I don't know the middle
54:25 of Kansas for a year like it's going to show you a lot about yourself
54:29 and what you need for yourself and so there's a lot of benefits in that way.
54:35 The downsides, the most obvious one I would say
54:39 is is community is that you really need to invest
54:43 in a place for a long time to build
54:46 a stable community of people and feel like you belong somewhere.
54:51 I think I na when I was younger, I was very naive about this.
54:54 I thought like, oh yeah,
54:55 within a few months you can make some friends and then you're good.
55:00 On one level, that's true.
55:01 But to like really feel like you belong somewhere
55:04 or that you have I think of it as like, you know, if if my house was on fire,
55:12 uh how many people could I call to like come throw buckets of water on it?
55:16 Uh the truth is is that if you're only
55:19 living in places for like a year at a time,
55:21 like you're you're not really going to have a long
55:23 list of people that you can you can do that with.
55:26 Um there there there is something to be
55:28 said that of that kind of social safety net
55:30 of having very strong connections with friends and neighbors
55:34 who you've known for five years, 10 years.
55:36 So you are going to be every time you move,
55:39 you're going to be resetting that clock and the older you get,
55:44 I would say it becomes more difficult
55:46 to build those relationships because the older you get,
55:50 the more pe more[ __] people have going on.
55:52 That's what I found at least.
55:54 I'll also say that you it becomes difficult
55:57 to maintain friendships in community over long distances.
56:00 Um so of course you do keep in touch
56:03 with people and like your real true friends.
56:06 They're always there for you when you go
56:07 home or go back to wherever you lived before.
56:10 But it puts a real strain and like
56:12 back to the topic of friendships growing apart.
56:15 You know, when you live in two different places for many, many years,
56:19 what you'll find in many cases is that you go
56:21 back and see an old friend and it suddenly you
56:23 have nothing in common anymore because you've just been living
56:26 this completely different life on the other side of the world.
56:31 So my take on it is that if people have not done it and they want to do it,
56:39 I encourage them to do it just because you do
56:41 learn so much about yourself and about people in the world.
56:46 But I would set a deadline for it.
56:47 I would I would not do it perpetually.
56:49 And I would I will say too that the people I know
56:52 who have been kind of living nomatically for extended periods of time,
56:58 say like a decade plus,
57:00 there is something kind of untethered and a drift about them um that I can't
57:07 help but feel like it's not totally
57:08 psychologically healthy after a certain period of time.
57:11 The other thing I'll say here is that if
57:13 you're gonna do this, like really do it.
57:16 Don't you said here like move to the other side of the country.
57:20 Dude,[ __] that.
57:20 Move to another country.
57:22 Like don't like if you're going to uproot and and like sacrifice these things.
57:29 Don't just move from like Florida to Kentucky or like California to Texas.
57:35 Like go somewhere completely.
57:38 go to like Portugal or Thailand or Argentina or something like it's
57:44 really really put yourself out there because think of it this way.
57:49 This is going to be like let's say you plan to do this for 3 years that that 3
57:54 years is an investment in an education of yourself
57:59 um in an a better understanding of the world.
58:01 And so you want to maximize that time.
58:03 So if you're going to be completely on mored,
58:05 you're going to have to make friends from scratch.
58:06 If you're going to have to learn a new place, a new culture,
58:08 a new a new routines, um you might as well go all out cuz[ __] it.
58:14 Like why why wouldn't you?
58:15 Two other downsides that I'll mention.
58:18 One, I just mentioned routines.
58:20 That's something that's very hard if you're moving around all the time.
58:23 Like reestablishing those routines can get a little bit difficult.
58:28 And then the other thing that I've found is since
58:33 moving a lot and living in a lot of different places,
58:35 I actually find it hard to maintain friendships with people
58:39 who have not lived in a lot of different places.
58:41 So like most of my friends in the US now
58:43 are immigrants um or spouses of immigrants or or or most
58:49 of my friends in the US are either immigrants or they
58:51 are uh Americans that have lived abroad for extended periods of time.
58:55 Like it's just it's once you have kind
58:58 of expanded your mind to all these different things,
59:02 it it becomes difficult to relate to people who have not.
59:05 And so just be aware that if you are
59:08 going to get like all this diversity of experience,
59:10 in a way you're kind of narrowing the pool of people that you're
59:14 going to be able to connect with on a very deep level.
59:16 Ultimate Frisbee is fun asks, "What should I do?
59:20 My wife wants me to celebrate her birthday
59:22 with her, but I'd rather go to Hooters with my crew.
59:25 I think you should get a divorce cuz it's going to happen anyway.
59:30 Just nip it in the bud.
59:32 Iman's TV asks, "I've been dreaming of and planning
59:35 for retirement for the past 15 years,
59:38 and I should be able to reach my goal in about 3 years by the age of 40.
59:41 I fully intend to quit my job once I get there.
59:43 I'm excited to have financial freedom and do whatever I want,
59:45 but I also want to mentally prepare if I can once I'm retired.
59:48 Do you think I should let boredom set in so that I can
59:50 then follow my curiosity on what to do next and find my purpose?
59:54 Or would it be better to start dabbling
59:55 in what seems purposeful already while I'm still working full-time?
59:59 First of all, congratulations.
1:00:01 Uh this is a fire person.
1:00:03 So for those of you who have never heard of it,
1:00:04 there's a community online called called FIRE,
1:00:07 which stands for financial independence and early uh retiring early.
1:00:11 Um, and generally the goal is to amass enough wealth uh
1:00:15 in savings to retire by by the time you're in your 40s.
1:00:19 So I I' I've ended up speaking to quite a few
1:00:21 fire people over the years and universally all of them are lost.
1:00:29 And this is why because when you're when you're a fire person,
1:00:33 when you're in this community, right,
1:00:35 like you you have been so focused and intent
1:00:39 for so many years to get yourself to this point
1:00:43 of having this much money saved up to uh cutting
1:00:47 this many expenses to simplifying your life in so many ways.
1:00:51 And then you get to this point,
1:00:52 not only are you removing work as something that takes up a lot of your time,
1:00:57 so you're given all this free time,
1:01:00 but you've also removed your goal and purpose for so long.
1:01:03 And having both of those things simultaneously are it's extremely disorienting.
1:01:09 And and what's interesting is that I actually have found that a lot
1:01:14 of fire people quietly go back to work after a year or two.
1:01:19 Don't tell anybody I told you that.
1:01:20 But it is true.
1:01:21 And it's not because they need more money or they're like it's just they
1:01:25 they need something to do and and they're still young enough to do a lot.
1:01:30 And some of them they've enjoyed their careers.
1:01:33 Um and so they're like, why not just go back to it?
1:01:36 So all that is to say,
1:01:37 I would absolutely start mentally preparing for this beforehand.
1:01:41 Do not let yourself get to that finish line and have no idea what to do.
1:01:45 That's not to say like don't take some time off.
1:01:47 Like sure, give yourself a vacation, maybe a sbatical.
1:01:51 Like, okay, plan maybe the first 3 months you're just chilling at the beach,
1:01:56 maybe go on a trip somewhere, enjoy your life a little bit.
1:01:59 But I would definitely start mentally preparing for this beforehand.
1:02:04 Line up the things that you're curious about.
1:02:07 set up some activities and commitments beforehand,
1:02:10 whether that's volunteering or a hobby or joining a group or whatever it is.
1:02:15 Like really give yourself some infrastructure to transition over to.
1:02:21 Again, like most of the fire people that I
1:02:25 end up speaking to, they are completely and utterly lost.
1:02:29 They're like 41.
1:02:30 They got all this money in the bank and nothing to do.
1:02:33 And it's it's hard once you're there
1:02:35 if you're especially if you're not expecting it.
1:02:37 Hunter asks, "How do I deal with purpose anxiety?
1:02:40 Like, what do I do when I don't know what my purpose is?" All right.
1:02:45 Every Q&A, we get all the purpose questions.
1:02:48 We did a full episode in December on purpose.
1:02:50 We did a Q&A largely on purpose that same month.
1:02:54 I will hit the highlights here again,
1:02:56 but I would encourage you to go back to those episodes.
1:02:59 Also, I have a whole app dedicated to this called
1:03:03 Purpose that you can go download and try for free.
1:03:06 Uh, so there's a lot of resources here, but I'm going to hit the highlights.
1:03:10 So, first thing is purpose anxiety
1:03:13 largely stems from viewing purpose incorrectly.
1:03:17 Like people think, "Oh my god, I don't have a purpose.
1:03:20 What am I doing with my life?
1:03:21 What is the point of this?" Thinking that purpose is like
1:03:24 this thing you're going to find and suddenly everything's going to make sense.
1:03:28 purpose really only makes sense when you look backwards.
1:03:31 It doesn't make sense when you look forwards or it's it's hard
1:03:35 to get to the point where it makes sense when it looks forward.
1:03:38 Generally speaking, in the moment, it just feels like you're doing lots
1:03:42 of things that feel like they're worth doing.
1:03:45 That's it.
1:03:46 And some finding something that feels worth doing,
1:03:51 that's not the highest bar in the world to clear.
1:03:54 You can find things that feel worth
1:03:56 doing simply because you're curious to do them.
1:03:58 You can find things that feel worth doing simply because they're fun to do.
1:04:02 You can find things that feel worth doing because
1:04:05 you want to learn something or it helps somebody.
1:04:08 Purpose is the sort of thing that you develop and evolve over
1:04:12 time by continually investing into the things
1:04:15 that feel like they're worth doing.
1:04:17 You're not going to like suddenly wake up one day and be like, "Oh my god,
1:04:20 it's my purpose." It's a narrative that you
1:04:22 slowly construct over a long period of time.
1:04:24 And so being anxious about not having it is just irrational.
1:04:29 It's it just means that you need to follow
1:04:32 your curiosity and find something that feels worth
1:04:35 doing today or this week and just just focus on that and it's going to work out.
1:04:40 Don't worry too much about it.
1:04:42 You can also talk to my AI named purpose.
1:04:45 That will help too.
1:04:47 All right, last question.
1:04:48 Nate asks, "If you could choose what to reincarnate into after death,
1:04:53 what would you choose?" Coming with the hard questions here, Nate.
1:04:58 So happy that you asked this.
1:04:59 I would reincarnate as a house cat because what
1:05:03 better life could you have than a house cat.
1:05:06 I mean, it is there are zero expectations for your behavior.
1:05:12 You can literally do anything or do[ __] nothing all day.
1:05:18 and nobody cares.
1:05:19 You could eat, sleep,
1:05:22 and lick your balls for 24 hours a day and people just love you for it.
1:05:28 And not only do people love you for it,
1:05:30 but you can tell them to[ __] off anytime you want and they will[ __] off.
1:05:35 Like it is the height of existence.
1:05:38 It is the pinnacle of existence.
1:05:41 I think all of us I think if there is a karmic cycle,
1:05:45 the peak of the karmic cycle is coming back as a house cat.
1:05:48 There is a reason the Egyptians worship them.
1:05:51 They are perfection made manifest.
1:05:54 All right, everybody.
1:05:55 That's it for me.
1:05:56 Thank you to all of you for tuning in.
1:05:58 Thank you for making this podcast such a huge success.
1:06:01 Uh it's a joy for Drew and I to work on it and and record this every month.
1:06:06 Um and I cannot wait for these new episodes coming this summer.
1:06:08 So, please, if you're not subscribed, subscribe.
1:06:12 I It's because we're only posting once a month.
1:06:16 If you are not subscribed to the podcast,
1:06:18 if you're not following us on the platform that you listen to podcasts on, you
1:06:21 will not be delivered the podcast because
1:06:24 the algorithms are so crowded and noisy these days.
1:06:26 So, please follow the show.
1:06:28 Uh, can't wait for you to hear what we have in store over the next 12 months.
1:06:33 And I will see you all next time.