‘The Big Bang Theory’ But Everyone’s a Criminal

0:02 Who's there?

0:03 Are you A SEX CRIMINAL?

0:07 SEX CRIMINALS DON'T HAVE KEYS, MA.

0:11 WHERE WERE YOU SO LATE?

0:12 I WAS OUT WITH BERNADETTE.

0:14 I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

0:16 I WATCH DR.

0:17 PHIL.

0:19 I HOPE TO GOD YOU USED a condom.

0:23 I'M NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU, MA.

0:26 God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases.

0:33 [laughter]

0:32 NOBODY HAS A DISEASE.

0:34 I hope not.

0:35 I share a TOILET WITH YOU.

0:39 [laughter]

0:40 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

0:41 To give YOUR MOTHER HERPES?

0:45 THAT'S IT.

0:45 I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

0:48 YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR EYEBROWS IN THE MORNING.

0:52 [laughter]

0:57 WHO'S THERE?

0:57 ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?

1:02 STILL LEAVING.

1:03 I JUST FORGOT MY CLARITIN.

1:05 UH, I FEEL JUST LIKE MOTHER TERESA.

1:08 Except for the virgin part.

1:09 That ship sailed a long time ago.

1:14 Think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first?

1:18 Yeah, well I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.

1:23 [laughter]

1:23 You know, giving really is better than receiving.

1:25 Uh, used to think it was such a cliché,

1:27 but seems to be the Look at these cute jeans someone just threw away.

1:34 Donated.

1:36 [laughter] Yes, to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut.

1:42 Penny, come on.

1:44 They would be so cute on me and they go great with this sweater.

1:49 [laughter] I don't think Mother Teresa Oh, that is adorable.

1:55 You don't feel good about this?

1:56 Then then sit in the car and keep it running.

1:59 You were right.

2:00 A whole new load.

2:04 Come on, yoga top.

2:05 Mama needs a new yoga top.

2:08 Check it out, Bernadette.

2:09 Suede boots, your size.

2:11 God, they're cute.

2:13 Oh, why did they have to be cute?

2:16 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

2:16 Guys, just hang on.

2:18 What is it?

2:18 The fuzz?

2:23 Look at us.

2:25 What are we doing?

2:26 I was gleefully following you to a life of crime

2:29 looking forward to the day we might be cellmates.

2:36 I know about Bernadette.

2:39 No, this is wrong.

2:41 Let's put everything back.

2:43 Here.

2:54 IT'S OKAY.

2:55 I SERVE SOUP TO POOR PEOPLE.

2:58 SHELDON COOPER.

3:02 GOOD MORNING, Your Honor.

3:04 Dr.

3:04 Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se.

3:07 That is to say, representing himself.

3:09 I know what it means.

3:11 I went to law school.

3:13 And yet you wound up in traffic court.

3:17 Anyway, if it would please the court,

3:19 I'd like to begin with an opening statement.

3:21 The court would advise you to make it quick as the court

3:23 had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.

3:30 [laughter] Very well.

3:30 Quick opening statement.

3:32 Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs.

3:37 I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving

3:40 by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic.

3:45 I will [laughter] argue that the emergency met

3:48 the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum,

3:50 that which is necessary is legal.

3:53 But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue.

3:56 I am unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera.

4:02 So, to sum up, improper instruction, Quod est necessarium est licitum,

4:06 Sixth Amendment, my milk stool is complete.

4:10 Impressive.

4:11 Thank you.

4:11 Guilty.

4:12 Pay the cashier.

4:15 [laughter] I OBJECT.

4:15 You're completely ignoring the law.

4:17 No, I'm following the law.

4:19 I'm ignoring you.

4:21 Really?

4:22 I would point out that I am at the top of my profession,

4:25 while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.

4:30 Dr.

4:30 Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail,

4:33 I'm going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.

4:37 I'm a scientist.

4:38 I never apologize for the truth.

4:48 That's my spot.

5:02 Excuse me.

5:03 Excuse me, jailer.

5:06 What?

5:07 I need to use the restroom.

5:09 Knock yourself out.

5:14 But that's the toilet?

5:16 Well, it ain't a wishing well.

5:20 Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.

5:24 [laughter] What is that?

5:25 Raiders of the Lost Ark with 21 additional seconds.

5:30 If I can't see it, no one else can see it.

5:32 Sheldon, this is crazy.

5:34 No, crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.

5:38 Listen to me.

5:39 You are overtired.

5:40 You're not thinking right.

5:41 Put the movie back before we get into trouble.

5:43 Trouble is my middle name, Leonard.

5:45 Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer trouble.

5:49 Oh, look who they let in.

5:52 But don't worry, Wil Wheaton.

5:53 I was just leaving.

6:02 Who are you here to see?

6:04 I I I'm just going to tell you the truth.

6:05 Oh, you are killing me.

6:08 We don't have an appointment.

6:10 We're We're just fans of Mr.

6:11 Lucas's work and we thought we'd take a shot

6:13 and see if we could get in and look around.

6:15 Sorry, guys.

6:16 We get this a lot.

6:17 Can't let you in.

6:18 What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda?

6:23 A recording session I must attend.

6:28 I'm sorry.

6:29 Don't listen to him.

6:30 We're We're actually physicists.

6:31 We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today.

6:33 We just We had some time to kill.

6:35 Hey, listen.

6:36 You seem like decent guys.

6:37 I can't let you in.

6:39 I got some hats and t-shirts I can give you.

6:41 Thank you so much.

6:43 See?

6:45 Maybe honesty is the best What are you doing?

6:47 Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.

6:51 Don't move.

6:53 Code AA23.

6:54 AA23.

6:55 Copy.

6:57 I CAN SEE THE RANCH, LEONARD.

6:59 OH, IT'S RUSTIC.

7:00 IT'S LOVELY.

7:01 I'D TAKE A PICTURE, BUT PEOPLE ARE CHASING ME.

7:06 I'M GOING TO MAKE IT.

7:07 I'M GOING TO MAKE IT.

7:08 THEY HAVE TASERS.

7:09 THEY THEY WOULDN'T DARE USE [screaming] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

7:29 SHOOT HIM.

7:33 [laughter] DANNY'S SLEEPING.

7:36 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SAY?

7:38 YOU CAN'T just break into a woman's apartment

7:39 in the middle of the night and clean.

7:41 I had no choice.

7:43 I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside

7:44 my bedroom was our living room and just outside our living room was that hallway

7:48 and immediately adjacent to that HALLWAY WAS THIS.

7:53 DO YOU REALIZE THAT IF PENNY WAKES UP,

7:55 there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here?

7:59 I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

8:02 No, no.

8:02 You gave me an explanation.

8:04 It's reasonable.

8:05 THIS WILL BE DETERMINED BY A JURY OF YOUR PEERS.

8:08 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

8:10 I have no peers.

8:12 She's going to have to get OUT OF HERE.

8:16 [snorts and laughter] YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPEAK IN a lower register.

8:20 What?

8:21 Evolution has made women sensitive to high-pitched noises while they

8:24 sleep so that they'll be roused by a crying baby.

8:27 If you WANT TO AVOID WAKING HER, speak in A LOWER REGISTER.

8:32 THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

8:35 [snoring and snorts] [laughter] NO.

8:39 That's ridiculous.

8:44 Fine.

8:47 [laughter] I accept your premise.

8:48 Now, please let's go.

8:50 I'm not leaving until I'm done.

8:56 If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

9:03 Oh, what the hell.

9:06 You want some cereal?

9:07 I feel so good today.

9:08 I'm going to choose from the low-fiber end of the shelf.

9:10 Hello, Honey Puffs.

9:12 SON OF A PENNY'S UP.

9:18 YOU SICK, GEEKY [screaming] BASTARDS!

9:23 [laughter]

9:22 HOW DID SHE KNOW IT WAS US?

9:25 I MAY have left a suggested organizational schematic for her BEDROOM CLOSET.

9:30 LEONARD?

9:31 GOD, THIS IS GOING TO BE BAD.

9:32 GOODBYE, Honey Puffs.

9:33 Hello, Big Bang.

9:36 Howard.

9:39 HOWARD.

9:42 IT'S ME.

9:43 IT'S JUST ME.

9:45 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

9:47 I TEXTED YOU, BUT YOU DIDN'T RESPOND.

9:50 LEONARD and Penny were out.

9:51 GET OFF MY WATCH.

9:55 IT'S FINE.

9:56 IT'S JUST RAJ.

9:57 YOU CAN HIT HIM WITH THE BAT, but it's fine.

10:01 [laughter] If my heart stops, just let me go.

10:03 I'm sorry, guys.

10:05 Sheldon was upset.

10:06 Leonard and Penny were fighting.

10:07 I just wanted to go someplace where I wasn't causing problems.

10:10 Ugh, I'll say it again.

10:13 India.

10:18 Can I just stay in the garage?

10:20 Don't do that.

10:21 We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.

10:23 Thank you.

10:24 Come on.

10:25 I'll get you some sheets.

10:26 I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.

10:34 Never should have had all these kids so close together.

10:39 Anyone seen Sheldon?

10:40 Last time I saw Sheldon was this morning.

10:42 Careful.

10:43 Don't say his name a third time.

10:47 You don't think he actually went to Las Vegas, do you?

10:51 By bread.

10:53 This is it.

10:56 Is everything okay, sir?

10:58 Oh, it's better than okay.

10:59 I am a physicist and I've been observing

11:01 this wheel for hours and running a chi square analysis,

11:05 which is how I know that the ball is far more likely to land on 32, 17, or 5.

11:10 So, if you could hold off on replacing this wheel,

11:12 I'd like to make several large bets.

11:16 Well, good for you, pelican.

11:19 What's pelican?

11:20 Sir, would you come with us?

11:21 Oh, no, no, I have to place my bets first.

11:23 This is for science.

11:24 17 BLACK.

11:26 NO!

11:27 [screaming] [laughter]

11:31 IT IS A BRACING COLD.

11:34 AN A invigorating cold.

11:36 Lord, is it cold?

11:39 Uh help you with your bags, sir?

11:41 Oh, yes, thank you, fellow Boazite.

11:44 May I say you are the living embodiment of all

11:47 the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.

11:57 [laughter] WAIT.

11:58 WAIT.

12:00 EXCUSE ME.

12:04 [laughter] ONE TICKET TO PASADENA, CALIFORNIA, PLEASE.

12:15 [laughter]

12:16 HEY, I DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE YOU.

12:19 AND THEY [cheering and applause] SAY FIREFIGHTERS ARE THE REAL HEROES.

12:23 Uh what number in line are you?

12:25 Uh 15,211.

12:30 Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left.

12:32 Really?

12:33 Thursday's gone, just Sunday left.

12:35 OH, SUNDAY'S THE WORST.

12:37 Everybody's leaving, most of the good panels are over,

12:40 and the only t-shirts they have left are small AND XXXXXL.

12:46 [laughter] SUNDAY'S GONE.

12:47 NOT SUNDAY, I LOVE SUNDAY.

12:53 [laughter]

12:52 SO, THAT'S IT, EVERYTHING SOLD OUT?

12:55 YEAH.

12:57 I can't believe we're not going.

13:01 It's okay.

13:03 You know, there's there's there's there's always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know.

13:07 That that's just as good.

13:10 EXCUSE ME.

13:14 [laughter] GENTLEMEN, I HAVE THE solution to our Comic-Con problem.

13:22 We don't need them.

13:24 I'm starting my own convention.

13:29 [laughter] Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us.

13:31 I told you, buying scalped tickets is against the rules.

13:35 If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life.

13:38 Life, Leonard.

13:40 You're going to feel pretty silly when we're 80 years old and you have

13:42 to drive me down there and then wait in the car for 3 days.

13:48 [laughter] Do what you want.

13:48 We're getting scalped tickets.

13:49 I already found a guy online who's willing to sell.

13:52 How do you know this isn't a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?

13:58 [laughter] The same way I know that the people in the TV set can't see me.

14:02 Sheldon, just come with us.

14:03 You're not going to make your own convention.

14:06 You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn't exist at all

14:09 until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen.

14:13 And you mark my words, I'm going to rip that guy off.

14:17 Okay, great.

14:19 Bye.

14:20 Our friendly neighborhood scalper says he's running late.

14:23 Does he sound like a criminal?

14:27 [laughter] What do you mean?

14:28 You know, did he say things like "You guys" or "Listen here, see?"

14:37 [laughter] Yes, he's late because he's on his way here from 1940.

14:42 We're just saying, we don't know who this guy is.

14:44 What if he wants to steal our money

14:45 or our kidneys or make a suit out of our skins?

14:49 Didn't someone want to make clothes out of your skin?

14:52 I don't know.

14:53 Maybe cuz Doc doesn't show the stains.

14:58 Well, now you're making me wonder if we

14:59 should have met him at a neutral location.

15:01 Why do you think I told him to come to your place?

15:06 Okay, so I'm on a Comic-Con message board and there's a post from a guy

15:11 where he says he got caught using someone else's badge and Sheldon was right.

15:16 He did get charged with petty theft, guys.

15:19 If I go to jail dressed as the Human Torch, that might send the wrong message.

15:27 [laughter] Maybe this isn't a good idea.

15:28 I can text the guy, tell him we changed our minds.

15:33 Do it.

15:35 Okay.

15:36 We're officially not going to Comic-Con.

15:41 Hold on, we always do this.

15:44 Do what?

15:44 We chicken out.

15:46 We're so afraid of getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong.

15:49 It's cuz we're the good guys.

15:51 Even Batman breaks the rules.

15:53 You know I struggle with Batman.

15:57 I say this one time, instead of wimping out, let's be badasses.

16:03 Okay, I'll be a badass, but only if you pinky swear to be one, too.

16:09 [laughter] Howard, you in on this?

16:10 No need, I'm breaking rules all the time.

16:14 Name one.

16:15 Last night, drank my Pepto straight out of the bottle.

16:22 What about that little cup they give you?

16:24 Yeah.

16:26 [laughter] What about it?

16:30 [laughter] Are you impressed by that?

16:32 A little.

16:33 Yeah, me, too.

16:36 He just parked, he's on his way up.

16:37 Good, this is exciting.

16:39 It is, I feel alive.

16:40 What if we do get caught?

16:42 Who cares?

16:42 We get banned from Comic-Con, maybe slapped with a fine.

16:46 I'll be an astronaut and a bad boy.

16:48 How will women keep their pants on?

16:51 Maybe it'll come up when I apply for citizenship.

16:55 [laughter] Oh, crap, what if it comes up when I apply for citizenship?

16:59 What if we have to disclose something like this when we apply for grants?

17:03 He's going to be here any second, what should we do?

17:05 You guys are such babies, I'll handle this.

17:10 If we think it's not our fault, IT'LL GO AWAY.

17:15 I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BADASS.

17:16 I LIED ABOUT THE CUP.

17:16 I ALWAYS USED THE LITTLE CUP.

17:27 HELLO.

17:29 I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.

17:32 Howard Wolowitz?

17:36 I have the right address, don't I?

17:39 Address?

17:41 Is he here?

17:43 Um no.

17:46 Do you know where I can find him?

17:48 May I ask what this is about?

17:50 No, you may not.

17:52 Very well.

17:58 Have him call me.

18:00 Okay.

18:01 Raj, WHO'S AT THE DOOR?

18:07 [laughter]

18:06 THAT'S NOT HIM.

18:09 THE BACK door has a five-pin tumbler system, single circuit alarm, child's play.

18:16 [laughter]

18:15 You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.

18:20 No, I don't think so.

18:22 We need to go home now.

18:24 But I'm still working.

18:26 If you don't come out of there, I'm going to have to drag you out.

18:30 You can try, but you'll never catch me.

18:37 For God's sakes.

18:44 Sheldon, come here.

18:46 Bazinga.

18:50 Bazinga.

18:53 Bazinga.

18:56 Bazinga.

18:59 Bazinga.

19:04 Sheldon, come here.

19:08 Bazinga.

19:18 Bazinga.

19:21 Bazinga.

19:25 Bazinga.

19:29 BAZINGA.

19:32 I WONDER IF THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS like to be Bernadette's baby.

19:38 I don't know.

19:38 Bernadette's baby doesn't have a Jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.

19:46 Those jets are for my secret spot, not his.

19:51 [laughter] What are you doing here?

19:52 It's called relaxing, and that's all you need to know.

19:58 [laughter]

20:00 Well, it's getting late.

20:01 Maybe we should head home.

20:03 Yeah, probably right.

20:08 You coming?

20:09 Yeah, just give me a minute.

20:11 Why?

20:12 Well, you know how you're wearing a bathing suit?

20:16 Yeah?

20:18 I kind of went the OTHER WAY.

20:21 YOU JACKASSES JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A HOT TUB.

20:24 CAN YOU COME OVER HERE?

20:27 SHELDON, the deck is safe.

20:28 You can walk on it.

20:31 [sighs] Oh.

20:36 Oh, that gets the heart going.

20:37 Mm.

20:38 So, what's up?

20:40 I went down to the city code compliance office to turn you in.

20:43 Are you kidding?

20:44 But I didn't do it.

20:45 I filled out the form and then

20:47 realized that the unwritten rules of friendship are

20:50 more important than the written rules

20:53 of the city of Altadena zoning and planning department.

20:55 Aw.

20:57 Really?

20:57 Aw?

21:00 And you'll be happy to know that while I was there,

21:01 I did look into your neighbor's balcony,

21:03 and it is encroaching on your property line.

21:05 I had all this pent-up snitch energy, so I reported him hard.

21:10 [laughter] What did they say?

21:11 He's going to have to remove it.

21:13 So, the good guys win?

21:14 Well, I don't know if I'd call you the good guys.

21:16 You're enforcing a law on him that you're willfully ignoring yourselves.

21:20 All right, fine.

21:20 So, the morally compromised guys win.

21:23 Apparently so.

21:25 Now, if one of you be kind enough to take me home, I need to use my bathroom.

21:28 What's wrong with the one here?

21:29 I'm sorry, I want to live.

21:35 [music] [music]