LA’s Homeless Got Skills | Vincent Oshana | Comedy In Color | LOL! Stand-Up

0:04 Yeah.

0:04 Uh, a lot of people think the Indian accent is funny.

0:07 The, "Hey, what are you, what are you doing, buddy?" You guys know that, right?

0:12 Only four of you here.

0:13 But listen, it's I don't think it's funny.

0:16 That accent is very dangerous, bro.

0:17 That accent almost[ __] killed me last week.

0:20 All right.

0:20 I go to the gym.

0:21 My gym is open 24 hours a day.

0:23 I walked in at 3:45.

0:24 There's nobody there.

0:25 It's a receptionist and just a Mexican guy.

0:28 vacuuming janitor, right?

0:29 I walk in.

0:30 Before I got there, I took four egg whites.

0:32 I ate avocado toast.

0:33 Just all over the[ __] I got in the car.

0:36 I took a pre-workout, but I didn't eat it.

0:38 I just sniffed the[ __] out of it.

0:40 I was like, "Here we go.

0:41 We're going to do this." All right.

0:42 So, I get inside the gym.

0:43 I'm like, "You know what?

0:45 Let me do my maximum bench press." Okay.

0:47 I weigh 150.

0:48 I put 315 lbs.

0:49 That's three 45 lb plates.

0:51 All right.

0:52 And I'm like, get it myself ready.

0:54 I got And the guys know what this you

0:56 I started doing[ __] I don't know what that does,

0:58 but I'm like, "Let me just do it just in case." Just doing this.

1:03 So, I'm getting it ready.

1:04 I pick it up.

1:05 And you guys ever pick up something so heavy,

1:07 the voice in your head's like, "Put this[ __] down.

1:10 Get the[ __] out of here right now.

1:12 Nobody saw you.

1:12 Get the hell out." But my ego

1:14 and the the pre-workout was like, "Shut the[ __] up.

1:17 Let's go." All right.

1:18 So, I get the weight up.

1:20 I take it off.

1:21 It comes down to here.

1:22 It hits my sternum and come it bounces to here.

1:25 This is bone.

1:26 It's not spring.

1:27 Okay.

1:28 It went here and it stopped here.

1:30 And I swear to God, this noise came out of my body.

1:34 I went, so it's now it's stuck here.

1:36 It's coming back down.

1:38 Like I've accepted like I'm going to die.

1:40 I'm like, please God, forgive me for everything.

1:43 All of a sudden, I look at my on the right side, there's an old Indian guy.

1:49 Yeah.

1:49 Sandals, sweatpants all the way up to here.

1:52 They were up to his nipples.

1:53 Okay.

1:54 They're all the way here.

1:55 He comes up to me.

1:56 He doesn't just grab the weight.

1:58 Grab it.

1:59 Pull it off.

1:59 Right.

2:00 That'd be the smart thing to do, bro.

2:02 He tries to verbally motivate me with that accent.

2:06 Right.

2:07 I almost done.

2:08 So, I'm over here struggling.

2:10 He's like, "Come on, do it.

2:12 Do it.

2:13 Don't you want it?

2:15 Dig deep." And I'm like, "I'm trying." He's like, "I'm not talking to you.

2:20 I'm talking to my cousin.

2:22 Dig deep.

2:22 Get me a candidate from New York." Any New Yorkers in the house?

2:27 Okay, good.

2:28 Just half of a person.

2:30 Just me.

2:31 I live in Los Angeles.

2:32 Live in Hollywood right now.

2:34 A lot of differences, right?

2:35 There's 50.

2:36 Like, we have some better things than them.

2:38 They have some better things than us.

2:40 Los Angeles, their homeless people are the they're the best

2:43 most talented PE when it comes to asking for money.

2:47 They're the best.

2:48 Cuz our New York New York homeless people, they don't they don't even talk.

2:51 They just go they're like they're like zombies, bro.

2:53 So, you got to go get the hell out of my face.

2:56 All right, Walking Dead.

2:57 But Los Angeles, they're the best cuz the a lot of them,

3:00 the majority of them are ex actors and comedians.

3:04 It's Hollywood, so they're great.

3:06 I was outside waiting for my friend to come out

3:08 of a meeting and uh this homeless guy sees me and I'm,

3:10 you know, I'm like, I normally give I give.

3:12 I have change, I'm going to give them change.

3:14 All I had was $20.

3:15 So, I'm like,[ __] So, he's makes eye contact.

3:17 He starts coming towards me.

3:18 So, I just grabbed my phone and I started

3:20 acting like I was talking to you've done that before.

3:22 Come on, dude.

3:23 I was like I was like, "Hi, mom." And like he comes to there.

3:26 I have a Yankee hat on.

3:27 He has a Yankee hat on.

3:28 And I'm like I'm like, "Hi, mom." And he's like I'm like,

3:32 "Yeah." I'm like I'm like, "Mom,

3:33 hold on." I'm like, "Yo, do talking on the phone.

3:35 My mom, can you?" He was like, "Oh, I'll wait.

3:36 Just like he has nothing to do.

3:38 He doesn't give a[ __] He doesn't have a job.

3:40 He's good." But I'm running out of[ __] to say.

3:43 It's like 2 minutes.

3:44 I'm like, "Yeah, mom.

3:45 How is she?" And okay, then what happened?

3:46 So now he won't leave, right?

3:48 So I'm like, "You know what?

3:49 I'm a I'm a comedian, but I'm I'm a dramatic actor.

3:51 I'm a trained actor.

3:52 All right.

3:53 I go, "Let me change this conversation to something serious.

3:55 Maybe he'll feel my pain and he'll just get the hell out of there." Right?

3:59 So, just after like 10 seconds, I went, "What?

4:05 Mom, he's dead." This guy takes off his hat

4:12 and goes I gave him to I'm like, "Take this $20.

4:15 Get the hell out of here.

4:17 You're hilarious." Thank you.

4:18 Thank you.

4:19 Thank you.

4:19 I'm an ass man.

4:21 We're the guys that like the female butt.

4:24 Where are you?

4:25 Don't be embarrassed.

4:27 Thank you, bro.

4:28 Three.

4:28 Yeah, you were serious.

4:30 Like, don't be I like that.

4:32 Don't I That's a God is so God's a beautiful arc.

4:35 Look at that.

4:35 God perfect place, right, bro?

4:37 That's the most wellplaced fat on the female body.

4:39 It's just your back does that and then cuz it's God's dude.

4:42 He could have easily put it right here.

4:44 How weird.

4:45 How weird would that look?

4:46 Just like it's disgusting.

4:47 But God just and I think when God was in heaven, he knew it.

4:51 Like when he made it with all the angels,

4:53 God was like, "Hey, hey, hey, look." Yeah, that's me.

4:56 I'm God.

4:56 Thank you.

4:57 Thank you.

4:58 But God has a sense of humor.

5:00 You know that, right?

5:01 God's hilarious.

5:02 It's God.

5:03 Why else?

5:03 He made this perfect.

5:05 Why else would he put a little stinky?

5:08 Why would he do that?

5:10 Why would he do that?

5:11 Can you explain that to me?

5:13 That's a comedian.

5:14 That's a comedian.

5:15 Cuz he put all of our guts, bro.

5:17 They're all here.

5:18 He could have easily put it and had your butth hole at the bottom of your foot.

5:22 It's God.

5:23 How convenient would that be, right, sweetie?

5:25 You're hanging out with your friends.

5:27 You're like, "Yes, sir.

5:28 I was at the mall.

5:29 Hold on." And just I'm sorry.

5:31 We had Mexican food.

5:32 I'm sorry.

5:33 It's It's a convenience thing.

5:35 You could be at the beach and just take a crap right there,

5:40 bury it, and just moonwalk to wipe your ass.

5:42 Just like Michael Jackson.

5:44 Just be like, "Guys, I'm Mr.

5:47 Oshan." Thank you guys very much.

5:49 Peace.

5:50 Good night.