Jim Carrey Absolutely Losing It for 20 Minutes Straight | Big Screen Laughs

0:01 Hi, Mr.

0:02 Reed.

0:03 Woah, hey.

0:05 Did you do something to your hair?

0:08 It's a bit extreme, isn't it?

0:10 No, I mean that's that's a thing nowadays, right?

0:14 Well, he said it would accent my facial features.

0:16 what it does.

0:17 It completely accents your facial features.

0:20 We're just going to go down to my office now.

0:25 [cough]

0:26 Hey, Fletcher.

0:27 Hey, Pete.

0:29 You losing a little weight?

0:30 I don't know, maybe.

0:31 Looks and personality, A DOUBLE THREAT GUY.

0:34 HEY, MR.

0:34 REED.

0:34 HEY, MAN.

0:36 It's uh Randy.

0:37 Yeah, I know.

0:39 Taking lunch orders, Mr.

0:40 Reed.

0:40 Anything?

0:41 No, thanks.

0:42 I'm had so much for breakfast, I'm just about ready to pop.

0:47 I mean, I'm full.

0:49 Okay.

0:51 Great.

0:56 Max, I got a present.

0:58 Hey, watch me.

1:00 Well, it's my birthday tomorrow and we're having a party and everything.

1:03 Wow, I am sure that your daddy has got you something wonderful.

1:07 Yeah?

1:08 Yeah, you bet.

1:11 Listen, kiddo.

1:13 Why don't you go play in my office for me?

1:14 Sue somebody for everything they got.

1:17 Maybe you can send a fax to one of your girlfriends.

1:20 Hey, sorry.

1:22 Damn it.

1:23 I completely forgot.

1:25 Oh, what a surprise.

1:27 You are a saint.

1:29 I should buy you a gift.

1:30 You did.

1:31 I always do the classy thing.

1:33 Any calls?

1:34 The Rawlings clerk needs your filing.

1:36 Tell him it's in the mail.

1:37 Right, she'll do it next week.

1:39 Mr.

1:39 McKinley phoned to confirm your meeting tomorrow.

1:42 Strep throat.

1:43 No, some kind of virus what's going around.

1:45 Asian flu?

1:46 Good one.

1:47 And your mother called.

1:49 I'm on vacation.

1:50 It's your fifth week.

1:51 Snowed in, phones are down.

1:52 Break mother's heart.

1:53 Done.

1:54 Oh, that's it except Miranda's looking for you.

1:57 Ah, how much ass do I have to kiss to make partner in this damn place?

2:03 Tell her I broke my leg and I had to be shot.

2:06 Why don't you tell her yourself?

2:08 And then send out a notice of judgment on my win today.

2:11 I'll get right on it.

2:14 Miranda, hey, I didn't see you.

2:17 You look beautiful today.

2:20 Here.

2:20 I bought you a gift.

2:22 Oh, thanks.

2:24 Max.

2:27 Your father is sorry.

2:29 He had to work.

2:30 I thought he was going to be here.

2:32 He promised.

2:33 I know.

2:33 I know, but he he promises that he's going to see you tomorrow.

2:37 Okay?

2:38 He's going to pick you up from school.

2:41 All right?

2:44 So, come on.

2:47 Make a wish.

3:00 I wish that for only one day dad couldn't tell a lie.

3:32 Mhm, that was incredible.

3:37 Was it good for you?

3:40 I've had better.

3:50 I've had better?

3:55 I've had better.

4:28 Hi.

4:28 Hi.

4:30 New in the building?

4:31 Yeah, I just moved in Monday.

4:33 Oh, you like it so far?

4:35 Mhm, everybody's been real nice.

4:38 Well, that's because you have big jugs.

4:41 I mean, your boobs are huge.

4:43 I mean, I want to squeeze them.

4:45 Huh.

4:48 Mama.

5:01 Any change, mister?

5:02 Absolutely.

5:04 Could you spare some?

5:05 Yes, I COULD.

5:06 LILLY, UH HOW COME?

5:09 BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU WILL BUY BOOZE WITH IT.

5:11 I JUST WANT TO GET FROM MY CAR TO THE OFFICE

5:13 WITHOUT being confronted by THE DECAY OF WESTERN SOCIETY.

5:16 PLUS, I'M CHEAP.

5:23 IT WAS ME.

5:24 [screaming] HI, MR.

5:28 REED.

5:29 What's in the dress?

5:31 Whatever it takes to focus off your head.

5:35 What's up, FLETCHER?

5:36 YOU'RE COLLATERAL.

5:38 HOWDY.

5:38 DEAD MAN WALKING.

5:40 HEY, FLETCHER.

5:41 HEY, YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO REMEMBER.

5:43 WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, MR.

5:43 REED?

5:44 A POCKMARK, EVENTUALLY.

5:45 DON'T ASK.

5:46 FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T ASK.

5:50 ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN BEAT THIS.

5:52 It's all a matter of willpower.

5:55 Contest.

5:56 Something small.

6:04 Red.

6:05 Red.

6:06 All right, now focus.

6:09 The color of this pen is The color of this pen is red.

6:24 [screaming] THE COLOR OF THE PEN THAT I HOLD IN MY HAND IS RED.

6:33 I know I'm blue.

6:39 One lie AND I CAN'T SAY IT.

6:43 All right.

7:12 RIOT.

7:13 RIOT OR I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM.

7:20 [laughter] AH, [screaming] NO, COME ON.

7:24 STOP IT.

7:29 [music] BOSS, what happened?

7:43 The pen is blue.

7:44 The pen IS BLUE.

7:46 THE GOD DAMN PEN IS BLUE.

7:51 And your mother called.

7:53 Are you still on vacation?

7:54 No.

7:56 Then you're here?

7:57 Yes.

7:58 Thank you for clearing that up, sir.

8:00 And your ex-wife called.

8:02 She wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.

8:04 Oh, I'm such a[ __] Hello.

8:14 Audrey?

8:15 Fletcher, hi.

8:16 Are you still picking Max up from school today?

8:17 Here's the thing, I really can't.

8:20 I had a case I was certain would settle and it

8:22 didn't and I have to go to court this afternoon.

8:24 Right.

8:24 It's true, I really want to see Max today.

8:28 How about that?

8:28 I really do.

8:29 Uh-huh, but things just keep coming up at the last minute, right?

8:32 Yes, but this time it's different.

8:33 I see.

8:34 And how is that?

8:35 Now I'm telling the truth.

8:37 And last night you weren't?

8:38 No.

8:38 Well, what were you doing?

8:39 Having sex.

8:42 Well, I hope that it was with someone very special.

8:45 NO, SEE, THAT'S THE THING.

8:47 I DON'T EVEN LIKE HER, BUT SHE'S A PARTNER AND I

8:49 THOUGHT I COULD HELP MY CAREER BY MAKING HER SQUEAL.

8:54 UGH.

8:57 WHAT'S WRONG with me?

9:00 I'm getting what I deserve.

9:01 I'm reaping what I sow.

9:02 I'm [screaming] Is dad still picking me up?

9:16 No, Max, he's not.

9:19 I'm sorry.

9:20 But I'm going to pick you up, okay?

9:22 I'll work it out.

9:24 I guess my wish didn't come true.

9:26 What wish?

9:27 I wish that for just [music] one day dad couldn't tell a lie.

9:37 Max.

9:42 I have something important I want to talk to you about, okay?

9:46 Okay.

9:56 Hello.

9:56 Audrey, LET ME EXPLAIN.

9:58 SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO ME.

10:00 WELL, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher.

10:02 Max and I are moving to Boston.

10:04 What?

10:04 Jerry has asked me to marry him,

10:06 and Max and I are going with him this weekend to look at some houses.

10:09 I thought it was semi-serious.

10:11 Yeah, well, it's just been given a violent shove into serious.

10:14 You can't move to Boston.

10:15 I'll never see Max.

10:16 Well, then you'll have pretty much the same

10:18 relationship you have with him now, won't you?

10:20 Where are you?

10:20 I'm going home.

10:21 When you get there, just stay there.

10:23 I'm coming over.

10:24 WE HAVE TO TALK.

10:25 FLETCHER I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

10:41 FLETCHER HOLY HELL!

10:48 PARDON ME FOR interrupting your meeting.

10:50 Mr.

10:51 Allen, you remember Fletcher Reed.

10:54 Oh, yes.

10:55 Yes, nice to see you again, Fletcher.

10:56 And by the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon.

11:00 I've been hearing some good things about you.

11:03 Well, [laughter]

11:04 Fletcher has just been telling me how much he thinks of you.

11:08 Well, why don't you tell Mr.

11:09 Allen?

11:10 Well, what do you think of him?

11:20 He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart,

11:24 a worthless, steaming pile of cow dung.

11:30 [sighs]

11:30 Figuratively speaking.

11:46 [laughter] [laughter] THAT'S THE FUNNIEST DAMN THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

11:55 YOU'RE A REAL CARD, REED.

11:58 I LOVE A GOOD ROASTER.

12:02 [laughter]

12:01 YOU, SIMMONS.

12:03 SIMMONS IS OLD.

12:07 HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE GAME YEARS AGO,

12:08 BUT HE CAN'T STAY HOME CUZ HE HATES HIS WIFE.

12:12 [laughter] YOU'VE MET HER AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTIES.

12:15 SHE'S THE ONE THAT GETS PLASTERED AND CALLS HIM A[ __] [laughter] AND YOU, TOM.

12:19 YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BROWN-NOSE I'D EVER SEEN.

12:23 YOU'VE GOT YOUR HEAD SO FAR up Mr.

12:24 Allen's ass, I can't tell where you END AND HE BEGINS.

12:28 ALL RIGHT, FLETCHER.

12:32 YOU HAVE BAD BREATH CAUSED BY GINGIVITIS.

12:35 YOU COULDN'T GET A PORN STAR OFF.

12:36 YOUR HAIRPIECE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WAS KILLED CROSSING THE HIGHWAY.

12:39 I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO COMB IT OR SCRAPE IT

12:41 OFF WITH A SHOVEL AND BURY IT IN THE LAWN.

12:45 [laughter] LOSER!

12:46 IDIOT!

12:47 WIMP!

12:48 DEGENERATE!

12:53 [laughter] I LIKE YOUR STYLE, AUDREY.

12:56 THAT'S JUST THE SORT OF STUFF I LIKE TO EAT.

12:58 HALLELUJAH, REVEREND SCUDDER.

13:00 I'LL SEE YOU LATER,[ __] [laughter] __] PRICELESS!

13:10 [laughter] KEEP YOUR EYE ON THAT BOY.

13:27 __] YOUR HONOR, WOULD THE COURT BE WILLING TO GRANT ME A SHORT BATHROOM BREAK?

13:53 CAN IT WAIT?

13:54 YES, it can.

13:56 But I've heard that if you hold it, you can damage the prostate gland,

13:58 making it very difficult to get an erection or even become aroused.

14:02 Is that true?

14:03 It has to be.

14:06 Well, in that case, I better take a little break myself.

14:08 But you get back here immediately so we can finish this.

14:27 How am I going to get out of this?

14:33 Think.

14:35 Think.

14:37 THINK.

14:38 OW, [screaming] WE!

14:43 OW, WE!

14:55 [music] [screaming] [screaming] [groaning and screaming] [laughter]

15:37 What the hell are you doing?

15:40 I'M KICKING MY ASS, DIVINE.

15:47 [screaming] [music] I found him like this in the bathroom, Your Honor.

16:11 Somebody beat the hell out of him.

16:14 WHO DID THIS?

16:15 A MADMAN, YOUR HONOR.

16:17 A DESPERATE FOOL AT THE END OF HIS PITIFUL ROPE.

16:20 WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?

16:22 About 6'2", 180 lb, big teeth, kind of gangly.

16:26 Bailiff, have the deputies search the building.

16:28 Yes, sir.

16:30 Order.

16:32 Order.

16:40 [music] I CALL SAMANTHA COLE TO THE STAND.

16:43 ORDER.

16:45 ORDER.

16:47 ORDER.

16:50 [screaming] BACK IT UP.

16:48 SIT DOWN.

16:52 MR.

16:52 REED, IT IS OUT of sheer morbid

16:54 curiosity I'm allowing this freak show to continue.

17:00 Mrs.

17:01 Cole if you dare.

17:19 Mrs.

17:19 Cole is this a copy of your driver's license?

17:27 Yes.

17:29 It says here you're a blonde.

17:30 Are you?

17:31 If you don't remember, PERHAPS MR.

17:33 FALK WILL.

17:33 BRUNETTE.

17:34 We could play the tape again.

17:35 MAYBE IT'S ON THERE.

17:36 I'M A BRUNETTE.

17:39 Thank you.

17:40 Now, let's see.

17:42 Weight 105?

17:43 Yeah, in your bra.

17:45 Your Honor, I OBJECT.

17:47 YOU WOULD.

17:47 BASTARD!

17:48 HEY!

17:48 QUIET!

17:49 OVERRULED.

17:51 Weight 118.

17:55 All right, fine.

17:56 Fine.

17:57 I'm 127.

17:59 Uh-huh.

17:59 And it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true, either, is it?

18:04 Is it?

18:05 No.

18:06 Will you tell me what it says here

18:07 on your birth certificate under date of birth?

18:10 Your Honor, I object.

18:11 What does this have to do with anything?

18:13 Overruled.

18:14 Mrs.

18:14 Cole, answer the question.

18:17 1965.

18:20 Now, let me get this straight.

18:22 That would mean that you lied about your age to make yourself older.

18:27 But why would any woman WANT TO DO THAT?

18:32 I changed it so I could get married.

18:35 AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

18:40 MY CLIENT LIED ABOUT HER AGE.

18:42 SHE WAS ONLY 17 WHEN SHE GOT MARRIED, WHICH MAKES her a minor.

18:45 And in the GREAT STATE OF CALIFORNIA,

18:47 NO MINOR CAN ENTER INTO ANY LEGAL CONTRACT WITHOUT PARENTAL CONSENT,

18:51 INCLUDING PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT.

18:54 PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS!

18:56 THIS CONTRACT IS VOID.

18:57 THE FACT THAT MY CLIENT HAS BEEN RIDDEN more than Seattle Slew IS IRRELEVANT.

19:01 STANDARD COMMUNITY PROPERTY APPLIES,

19:03 AND SHE IS ENTITLED HALF OF THE MARITAL ASSETS, or 11.395 million dollars.

19:08 Jordan fades back.

19:09 SWOOSH.

19:10 AND THAT'S THE GAME.

19:13 NOTHING FURTHER, Your Honor.

19:18 [applause] [applause] Order.

19:25 Order.

19:29 In light of this new evidence, the court must rule in favor of Mrs.

19:33 Cole.

19:34 She is hereby awarded half the marital assets.

19:38 OH, THE SON OF A[ __] PULLED IT OFF.

19:42 I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS UNDERAGE.

19:43 It's the matter of the contract being Order.

19:49 Order.

20:13 Oh.