Men Reveal 3 Compliments They Can't Resist

0:00 If you've been watching my videos this year, and [music] you better have been,

0:04 you'll know that we have been digging into nuanced topics in modern dating,

0:07 because there has never been more contradictory information

0:10 out there about finding love and keeping it.

0:13 But today, I wanted to go back to basics and have a little fun.

0:18 So, today's video is a wholesome little romp through the mind of men.

0:23 I asked my 2.4 million followers on Instagram to DM me with one

0:27 of their favorite compliments that they have

0:30 ever received from a woman they have dated.

0:33 One that stuck.

0:35 The answers came pouring in, and they reminded me of why I love men.

0:39 They were sweet and vulnerable.

0:42 So, I have taken these responses and put them in chronological order

0:45 in terms of when is the right time to give them in dating,

0:48 and I will be serving them up to you

0:50 today as a delectable three-course compliment tasting menu.

0:55 Hey, isn't that Daniel Radcliffe?

0:58 By the way, I'm Matthew Hussey.

1:00 I've been helping people with their love

1:01 lives and relationships for almost 20 years,

1:03 and I've learned a lot in the process.

1:05 I share it here on this channel.

1:07 So, if you're feeling inclined to give me a compliment today, and you better,

1:11 like this video and subscribe to the channel, and let's get started.

1:16 When I was developing this video, my producer told me a story about when she

1:19 was living in New York City above a bodega.

1:21 One day, she was at the shop paying for some groceries,

1:24 and she said to the clerk, "I like your hoodie.

1:26 That color looks great on you." The next time she went

1:29 in, she noticed he had the same hoodie on over a T-shirt.

1:32 And then the next time she went in, he was wearing it again.

1:35 And then the next time, and the next one,

1:38 and eventually she said to him, "I see you love that hoodie a lot.

1:41 You're wearing it again." He lightheartedly replied,

1:44 "Well, I remember you complimenting my style,

1:47 and I've never been complimented on my style before,

1:51 or complimented on anything, really." This story illustrates the the point

1:55 that men don't get complimented as often as women.

1:58 They are often compliment deprived.

2:00 So, when they do get a rare compliment,

2:02 they remember it for ages, sometimes a lifetime.

2:07 Some of the responses to my Instagram prompt were "I don't remember

2:11 the last time I received a nice word from a woman." Another reply read,

2:14 "Haven't received a compliment yet, 21 years so far." So,

2:18 what are the compliments that stand out to men?

2:21 The ones that make both the compliment and the person who said it so memorable.

2:28 Number one, competency compliments.

2:33 One category of compliments that emerged from my question were

2:36 compliments that had to do with how competent a man is.

2:40 In some cases, that competence focused on a specific skill.

2:43 "You actually sing very good." "I really like that thing

2:46 you cooked." "I'm proud you're a writer." In other cases,

2:50 it had nothing to do with an obvious skill set.

2:52 It was more of a recognition of a way that he was good at handling life.

2:57 In another story my producer shared with me, she was at an event in New York,

3:01 and there was a guy she was chatting to.

3:03 A waiter walked past him and accidentally spilled red

3:07 wine on his white shirt as he was walking by.

3:09 Now, instead of a big reaction, this guy said to the waiter,

3:13 "It's okay, I didn't like this shirt anyway." and laughed it off.

3:17 Now, my producer was impressed by this calm reaction,

3:20 so she looked at him and said, "That was really smooth.

3:23 I like how you handled that." Side note, by the way, in this story,

3:27 she then said, "I know a great dry

3:29 cleaner." And they ended up exchanging numbers that way.

3:32 Huh, the old dry cleaner clothes.

3:35 Nice.

3:36 Now, these kind of compliments you don't need

3:38 to wait a long time to give someone.

3:40 You could, as in the example of my producer in New York,

3:43 simply give it within minutes of meeting someone.

3:46 I think part of why these compliments mean so much is that we

3:50 don't all have this obvious remarkable skill that we can flaunt in a moment,

3:55 whether it's as a cook or a pianist or a singing

3:58 voice that we can bust out whenever the occasion arises.

4:01 We might have admirable qualities or ways of dealing

4:05 with things that are more subtle and often overlooked by people.

4:09 In these little moments,

4:11 we feel recognized for the things that we have worked on in ourselves,

4:15 for the tiny but significant ways that we have separated ourselves

4:19 from the pack in the way that we move through life.

4:21 And the person who perceives this about us instantly becomes special to us.

4:27 These compliments can also take the form of appreciating

4:30 the effort that someone has put into something.

4:32 If someone planned a nice date or sent

4:34 you a song they thought you'd like or bookmarked

4:37 a page in a book that they wanted you to read when they gifted that book to you.

4:40 You can say, "I like how thoughtful your gifts

4:43 are." Or, "I like how much planning you

4:45 put into that." Or, "I like how attentive

4:48 you are." I didn't make any of these up.

4:50 These are all real compliments men sent to me from women they've dated.

4:53 As an aside, these compliments also have the benefit

4:56 of rewarding the behavior you like in another person.

4:59 And when people feel rewarded for things,

5:01 they tend to double down on those things and do them again.

5:05 Some of the other compliments men mentioned in this category were,

5:08 "Someone told me I'm extremely intelligent and smart and it is so sexy

5:12 for her." "I love the way you talk and express yourself." I love that one.

5:17 I really love that one.

5:18 I would want to hear that one.

5:20 Audrey!

5:20 Or this one I really liked for its simplicity.

5:24 "You just seem really competent." god, thank you, Matt.

5:27 That is so sweet.

5:28 No, David, we're we're it's for the video.

5:31 You're going to use this in the video?

5:33 That's so nice.

5:34 No, David, I wasn't talking to you.

5:35 Oh my god, dude, you are really good at that.

5:37 Just knowing exactly what someone needs in their day and then and then doing it.

5:41 I mean, you know, honestly, while I have you, can I ask you something, honestly?

5:46 Uh sure.

5:47 Okay, all right.

5:48 So, I have this friend, right?

5:49 And she's dating this guy, and they have like a beautiful connection, right?

5:53 Great chemistry.

5:54 She gives him all these compliments all the time,

5:56 and it looks like it's working,

5:57 but then it just doesn't progress from this kind of casual spot, you know?

6:03 Okay, well, I can't answer that right now, obviously,

6:05 cuz we're in the middle of shooting a video,

6:07 but has she been to nomorecasual.com?

6:10 Uh nomorecasual.com?

6:13 nomorecasual.com is a free training guide where I give

6:17 an exact conversation you can have with someone who isn't committing.

6:21 The guide is called from situationship to commitment

6:24 because it literally is about a conversation you

6:27 can have that helps someone get out

6:28 of their own way and finally commit to the relationship.

6:31 So, she should go there.

6:33 Okay, let me write that down and

6:36 [sighs] oh nomorecasual.com Okay.

6:39 Tell her that's like my best piece of advice

6:42 on that subject in one place, and it's free.

6:45 That's great.

6:46 Okay, I can get on with filming now?

6:48 Yeah, yeah.

6:48 Cuz I I really need to get on to compliment number two.

6:51 You want to give me a second compliment?

6:53 Oh, yeah.

6:53 All right, if you want to.

6:54 I mean, that's that's really nice, but go go ahead.

6:56 Compliment number two.

6:59 Energy compliments.

7:02 Oh, boy.

7:03 Okay, this one is not date two stuff.

7:05 So, please don't go saying any of what I'm about to say until like month four.

7:09 Maybe month two if things are going really

7:12 well and you're seeing a lot of each other.

7:14 All of the compliments I'm about to share

7:16 with you are a variation on one powerful phrase.

7:19 You make me feel safe, which I have said across several videos in the past,

7:24 and my god, do I keep feeling validated for this one.

7:28 I even mentioned it on one of my most popular videos on this channel.

7:31 You say to a man, "I feel so safe whenever I'm around you." Every time

7:36 I ask my male followers what compliments meant the most to them, this comes up.

7:41 So, here are some specific responses men sent to me

7:43 this time round when it came to energy compliments.

7:48 You make me feel safe and calm.

7:50 I feel safe with you.

7:52 I've never felt this safe.

7:54 And this one was kind of interesting.

7:56 She lived in a new house for 2 and 1/2 years.

7:59 She told me I made her feel at home in her home.

8:03 Now, if you're a woman and someone said this to you,

8:05 it might not hit the same way it does for a man.

8:08 For many men, it speaks to that very

8:10 stereotypically masculine desire to feel strong,

8:14 to feel his energy has a powerful impact on you,

8:17 and to have succeeded in doing what society has taught him he is supposed to do,

8:21 which is to make the people he loves feel safe.

8:24 What connects all of these compliments is that they

8:27 are not just you complimenting something he is.

8:29 They go a step further by saying the effect that has on you.

8:33 It is the difference between telling a quiet introvert,

8:36 "You're a really calm person." and saying to them,

8:39 "You make me feel calm." All right, let's get on to compliment number three.

8:46 Three compliments?

8:47 Acceptance compliments.

8:50 Society gives men a lot of mixed and toxic messages about what women want.

8:54 There are influencers who say that women want a man who's 6-ft tall,

8:57 makes six figures, and has six-pack abs.

9:00 Even if women say that they don't care about those things,

9:03 that's what portions of society have men believing right now.

9:08 This kind of rhetoric has even given rise to what's called looks maxing,

9:12 which is rooted in the nihilistic, utterly cynical belief that for a man,

9:16 literally the only thing that matters is how good looking you are.

9:20 The result, even at the more sane end of the spectrum,

9:22 is the repeated message that men have to show up rich enough,

9:26 bulletproof enough, and handsome enough just to survive modern dating.

9:30 It is no surprise then that so many of the most

9:32 common responses I got from men was a variation around being enough.

9:37 Here's what men told me that women said to them that stuck.

9:41 You're enough and I want you the way you are right now.

9:44 You are enough.

9:45 It broke me, one man said.

9:48 I'm easy to love.

9:49 These compliments tell him, "Hey, I see you,

9:53 all of you, and you are enough." Now, saying this too early in dating can come

9:58 off as patronizing or like you're playing the therapist,

10:00 which is not a good role to play.

10:02 But, later down the line,

10:03 several months in, when emotional intimacy has been built,

10:07 it can be incredibly powerful.

10:09 The way I think about all of these three

10:10 categories of compliments is that the first kind,

10:13 competence compliments, recognizes men for what they've worked on.

10:17 The second kind, energy compliments, reward men for how they make someone feel.

10:22 And the third kind, acceptance compliments, reward men for who they are.

10:28 Now, some of you might be watching this and thinking,

10:30 "I am never complimenting a man.

10:32 The last time I did that, his ego got so big, he thought he could do better,

10:36 and then he ghosted me and started trying to pursue other women."

10:38 If someone's reaction to you complimenting them is to do that, it speaks

10:42 way more to their level of insecurity and low self-esteem than it

10:46 does to the fact that complimenting someone is a bad thing to do.

10:50 Remember, [music] you are not complimenting someone as a fan looking up to them.

10:56 [music] You're complimenting them as a peer.

10:57 You are talent recognizing talent.

11:00 And the best compliments, they either do one of two things.

11:02 They either reflect back at us something we value in ourselves,

11:06 but is often overlooked,

11:07 or they show us something about ourselves we hadn't seen ourselves,

11:11 or didn't even know was special.

11:14 [music] And as men, we can't rely on the fact that the next

11:16 person we meet is going to be this perceptive about us,

11:19 or is going to see us in such a beautiful light.

11:21 Men are multifaceted objects, [music] and the right person for them is

11:26 the one that comes along and holds that object up

11:29 to the light at an angle that makes it

11:32 shine the brightest in all [music] of its iridescent glory.

11:36 Let me know the best compliment you have ever received or given,

11:39 or if you feel inclined, leave me a compliment about this video in the comments,

11:44 and I will see you in my next [music] one.