"My Mom was the Girl from The Ring" — Atsuko Okatsuka’s shocking childhood

0:00 My parents got divorced when I was not even one yet.

0:04 My mom has, you know, schizophrenia and a lot of other mental issues.

0:09 Oh, wow.

0:10 Um and so uh so she was very My dad

0:15 already had uh two kids from his uh first marriage.

0:18 Right.

0:18 And so my mom suddenly had to be, you know,

0:22 in a foreign country um with the schizophrenia kind of bubbling up,

0:28 especially after giving birth to me.

0:29 She had to be a stepmom.

0:31 You know, and she My dad was her first boyfriend, you know, she

0:35 How old was she at the time?

0:36 She was in her 30s.

0:38 So, like a little later to be getting, you know,

0:43 uh to start hearing voices and things like that.

0:45 Yeah.

0:45 Usually it's, I guess,

0:47 in your 20s is when something like paranoid schizophrenia hits.

0:52 How How does it How does it present?

0:53 Like, you know, cuz you you'll hear people throw the term around loosely, but

0:59 Mhm.

0:59 And I I I I know you can't speak broadly,

1:01 but how how did it present for your mom?

1:03 Like, what was her schizophrenia like?

1:05 From what I am told, because, you know,

1:07 I'm I'm now uh talking with those siblings again.

1:11 They had a very traumatic time with her.

1:12 My mom was very abusive to them, you know, she was the stepmom.

1:16 Oh, wow.

1:17 I'm sorry.

1:17 And so um so it presents itself, you know, how do I So,

1:24 there's right, there's like movies about I

1:28 talk about representation in TV and movies.

1:30 And I joked that, you know, there's like sure there's Fresh Off the Boat,

1:34 a an Asian family on TV, or Crazy Rich Asians, the movie.

1:40 But, you know, when people ask like,

1:42 "Uh was Was your family kind of like that?" And I'm like,

1:45 "No, it's more like have you seen The Ring?

1:49 You know, like the you know, the[ __] that comes out of the TV.

1:54 That's my mom.

1:55 So, it's more like that.

1:57 Oh, man.

1:57 We're the worst.

1:58 We're really the worst.

1:59 We're really the worst.

2:01 We are the worst, but they made us this way.

2:03 Oh.

2:04 Uh so, it's more like that.

2:05 Like, you know, or like Baba Yaga or something.

2:08 It's how I mean, even my siblings describing it, you know,

2:11 my mom I guess used to when they would go to bed at night, she would, you know,

2:15 take a kitchen knife and there's like metal bars for the framing of the bed.

2:20 I guess she would just run the knife along You are[ __] me.

2:24 Yeah, and then they would also She would also do it on their face, they told me.

2:27 Just this last trip back to Japan, they told me they're like,

2:30 "Oh, we didn't tell you the story about your mom." So,

2:32 you know, when I joke, I I joke that it's like the girl from The Ring,

2:35 Samara, that crawls out of the TV.

2:37 yeah, yeah.

2:37 But, I mean, it's kind of.

2:39 Or Baba Yaga lurking in the darkness, watching you sleep.

2:42 That was my mom.

2:43 And so, I guess that's when they were like, "Okay, you know,

2:47 she's it's not a I don't think it's a Taiwanese thing." You know,

2:52 they started realizing there was a lot There's something wrong, yeah.

2:56 Yeah, tormenting in her head.

2:58 Voices in her head telling her, you know, to do things.

3:02 Um yeah, so so then but then I've I've always known her like that.

3:08 So, you know, I I just didn't I guess that's that was the beginnings.

3:12 Yeah.

3:12 Wait Wait, so help me understand.

3:14 So, so your your mom and dad get divorced when you're still 1 years old,

3:18 and then you grow up with your mom.

3:21 Good question.

3:22 Thank you.

3:26 [panting] I had that question, too.

3:27 Why did [laughter] I go to my mom?

3:29 Why why live with her?

3:32 You know, because my dad he was an engineer and he

3:35 already had custody of two kids from a former marriage.

3:38 You know, for the most part, he was very like stable.

3:41 So, why would after a divorce would I would my mom get custody of me?

3:46 Right, yeah.

3:46 Um my dad actually uh thanks to Ira Glass of This American Life.

3:53 And I joke you never want a call from Ira Glass,

3:55 because that means your life was bad.

3:58 You know, you never want to be an inspiration,

4:00 which Trevor you are, but that means[ __] happened.

4:03 Someone[ __] [laughter] up, right?

4:06 It's not good to be right?

4:07 it is true.

4:08 You're so inspiring.

4:09 It's shorthand for Yeah.

4:11 Oof.

4:12 Wow.

4:12 Damn.

4:13 Yeah.

4:13 Yeah.

4:14 It's all It's all those phrases.

4:15 You're You're very brave.

4:17 That means something about sort of like how you look.

4:19 Right.

4:19 So brave.

4:20 That That's your looks.

4:21 And then [laughter] you're you're an You're an inspiration Yeah.

4:24 Have you ever been told you're brave?

4:26 I've never been told I've been I've been brave,

4:28 but I've definitely been told I'm an inspiration.

4:31 I've never I've been told.

4:31 No, I just just [laughter] not brave.

4:34 Not brave enough.

4:35 Right.

4:35 [snorts] Right.

4:36 But an inspiration, of course.

4:37 An inspiration, of course.

4:39 Of course, yeah.

4:39 Yeah.

4:39 Yeah.

4:40 You know who's not an inspiration?

4:42 Martin Smith.

4:43 You know who that is?

4:43 No.

4:44 Exactly.

4:45 We've never heard of him,

4:46 because he's just living a regular life, parents still together.

4:52 Maybe trust fund.

4:54 Happy.

4:54 I'm I'm I'm often torn about whether or not I would want that for myself.

5:00 We're just you know, just chill.

5:03 Well, yeah, like like so No No one's keeping our parents apart.

5:08 Yeah, like like I just think of um I think there's a world where somebody

5:15 grows up and everything is the way it is meant to be for the most part.

5:21 Mhm.

5:21 Uh their life doesn't involve anything particularly crazy.

5:24 Like, let's put it this way.

5:25 Like, no one would read their book.

5:27 Is the is the way I would put it.

5:28 No, yeah, that's what I said.

5:30 We don't know Martin.

5:32 But But I go But I go those people are I think honestly,

5:38 I think they're sort of like better for society for the most part,

5:41 because I think they don't they don't exist in in extreme land.

5:44 Mhm.

5:45 But they're also not the people who write

5:48 the greatest symphonies and they're not the people

5:50 who make the greatest movies and they're not

5:52 the people who like invent things and then but they do.

5:56 They do actually.

5:57 Sometimes they're the ones that get to tell stories, too.

6:01 I don't know.

6:01 No.

6:02 I don't know.

6:03 I think uh uh uh look, I think everyone can do something.

6:07 But there is a common thread that you'll find with genius in particular, right?

6:12 Which I don't even like I I think I'm too sane to be genius, thankfully.

6:17 Mhm.

6:18 But like when when you get to levels of genius,

6:20 there is almost no genius person I know who has not

6:22 had some fraught existence that nobody else would want to have.

6:26 Of course, yeah, totally.

6:28 Yeah.

6:28 And then I'm torn.

6:29 I'm like, is it Is it worth giving that person

6:31 that existence to get what the world gets afterwards?

6:35 I know.

6:36 Or do we wish everyone a good life and then nothing ever exceptional, yeah.

6:42 Yeah.

6:43 Totally.

6:43 I I I don't I don't know.

6:45 I was joking, because I was trying not to laugh,

6:47 because you were in the kindest of words calling people basic.

6:51 You were like, you know, these basic people have to exist.

6:54 I mean, they, you know, they keep the water fountains on and, you know,

6:59 they keep the movie projections going.

7:02 I was not [laughter]

7:03 I mean, I was like, "Wow, get this man on Drag Race." He's just This is a read.

7:07 No.

7:08 I was not I was not saying I'm not saying I'm And I was joking that, you know,

7:12 sometimes basic people do get to make movies and TV,

7:15 and that's why some of them kind of they

7:19 don't want to take risks sometimes with storytelling.

7:21 So, it's like, "Why this movie again?" It's like,

7:23 "Oh, another basic person." Maybe, you know,

7:26 who did have like a pretty cushy and cushy

7:29 and life gets Sometimes they do get a platform, you know.

7:33 Um you know, whatever.

7:35 Maybe Sometimes they become president.

7:37 They had a cushy and life or something.

7:39 Um you know, even if uh But I think Trump is like the opposite, funny enough.

7:45 I think Trump had a financially cushioned life,

7:48 but from everything I've read about his life

7:51 That's true.

7:51 he did not have like I don't think he had a good relationship

7:54 with his father in in in in the way that they were together, you know?

7:59 So, people be like, "Oh,

8:00 but his dad was rich and he bailed him out." It's like, "Yeah,

8:01 yeah, yeah, that's the financial side of things." Trump

8:04 to me doesn't seem like somebody who was hugged regularly.

8:07 Sure, yeah.

8:08 You know what I mean?

8:08 But sweetie, to that I say, "Bitch, join the club, okay?" Yeah.

8:14 Guess who else wasn't hugged?

8:16 Me.

8:17 I'm just I was here looking cute, being a sweetie to people.

8:22 So, cry me a river.

8:25 I'm I'm not saying it I'm not saying it's to feel bad for

8:27 Not to you, too.

8:28 No, no, no, but I'm not saying it's to feel bad for him.

8:30 It's just um It's the You know what it is?

8:32 It's the other side of the coin, right?

8:35 Yeah.

8:34 If you if you um I think of it like an experiment.

8:38 If you [snorts] uh inflict a certain amount

8:41 of anything on this object that is a human Mhm.

8:47 it can turn out sort of one of two ways.

8:50 So, you you like zap it with let's call it terribleness in some shape or form,

8:54 emotional, financial, whatever it may be.

8:56 You zap it.

8:58 It could become like beautiful genius,

9:00 or it could become terrible genius in a way.

9:02 Mhm.

9:03 No, for sure.

9:04 Yeah.

9:04 And so, I'm like, is it worth Is it Is it worth zapping

9:07 at all if symphonies might on the other side be like world wars?

9:12 For sure, yeah.

9:13 Right.

9:13 Or it's like or do they Do we just It's like keep it basic.

9:18 Yeah.

9:18 Like, just everyone is You said Martin Smith?

9:20 Uh yes.

9:21 You remembered his name.

9:22 Yeah, we just Martin Smith everyone.

9:24 We just Yes, exactly.

9:26 Made-up name, obviously.

9:27 It was like a Jane Doe, you know.

9:29 No offense to Martin.

9:31 Of course not.

9:31 Of course not.

9:32 was just the first name.

9:33 from the Smith family.

9:34 Yes.

9:35 It's kind of my go-to, I think, when I was learning English,

9:38 Smith was like the example name in sentences or something.

9:42 How old were you when you learned English?

9:43 I was eight.

9:45 I was started I started at eight, yeah.

9:47 Cuz you cuz you you joke and you say like English is not your first language,

9:51 but I argue you have a greater grasp

9:54 of the English language than many native English speakers,

9:56 because of how you play with the language.

9:58 Oh, yeah.

9:59 I mean, you know, a lot of us uh you're what uh I don't even know the name.

10:05 Polyglot?

10:07 Oh, polyglot?

10:08 Polyglot.

10:08 do you have to speak to be a polyglot?

10:10 I mean, you don't you speak like seven?

10:13 No, the number keeps going up.

10:14 I speak like five and then six if I'm in the place.

10:17 and Pete Buttigieg, right?

10:20 [laughter] Supposedly Pete Buttigieg speaks like seven.

10:22 I was like, "Mhm, maybe like [laughter] he can order food, I'm sure.

10:27 Maybe." Pete?

10:28 How many languages do you speak?

10:29 Three.

10:31 So Four if on tequila.

10:33 Then I'm like I don't even know what I'm saying.

10:38 Were you raised in Japanese?

10:39 I was raised in Japanese and then when I

10:41 came to the States because the Taiwanese side took me.

10:45 Yeah.

10:45 Oh, so my dad had full custody of me in Japan and then my grandma

10:48 took me um uh from him and brought me to the States as like a Okay.

10:55 two-month vacation and then so then that's how they It

10:58 was kind of It was kind of like a kidnapping.

11:00 It's How How old were you?

11:01 I was I was eight, yeah.

11:02 So, that's when I came and then because I

11:04 was suddenly with my Taiwanese side of the family, too,

11:07 that's when I uh you know, I and we stayed with my mom and my uncle

11:11 and aunt who were already in Los Angeles.

11:13 They're also Taiwanese.

11:14 So, at the same time I was learning English,

11:16 I I learned Mandarin, too, cuz I was hearing it in the house.

11:21 Suddenly.

11:22 [music]