1 Hour of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ That Lowkey Makes You Smarter

0:00 You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.

0:03 Why?

0:03 Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?

0:07 Put it on the back burner.

0:10 Anyway, it occurs to me if I ever did perfect a time machine,

0:13 I would just go into the past and give it to myself,

0:15 thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.

0:18 [laughter]

0:22 Interesting.

0:20 Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

0:24 Sounds like a breakthrough.

0:25 Should I call Science magazine and tell them to hold the cover?

0:28 It's time, travel, Leonard.

0:29 I will have already done that.

0:32 Then I guess congratulations are in order.

0:35 No, congratulations will have been in order.

0:39 All right.

0:40 How's this for revenge?

0:42 A solution of hydrogen peroxide and one of saturated potassium iodide.

0:49 What's this?

0:50 Mountain Dew.

0:54 Ah, refreshing.

0:56 Now, we're going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap,

1:00 creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.

1:09 [laughter] Full me vengeance.

1:17 Yes, exactly.

1:18 This is brilliant, Sheldon.

1:20 How are we going to deploy it in Crypty's office?

1:22 Already taken care of.

1:24 observe.

1:27 This is a live shot of Krypky's lab via a mini webcam I was able

1:31 to install thanks to a dollar bill

1:33 discreetly placed in the night janitor shirt pocket.

1:36 At the same time, I also secured large quantities

1:38 of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.

1:43 Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthther.

1:48 You flatter me, sir.

1:50 Let me guess.

1:51 Motion sensors.

1:52 Yes.

1:53 The reaction will be triggered when Krypky reaches the center of the room.

1:57 Mwah.

2:01 [laughter] I got to say I am really impressed.

2:04 This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.

2:12 [laughter] It may be low tech,

2:14 but I still maintain the whoopy cushion has comic validity.

2:19 Here comes Krypkkey.

2:21 Who's that with him?

2:23 believe that's the president of the university and the board of directors.

2:26 Abort.

2:26 Aboard.

2:27 There is no award.

2:28 Well, how could you not put in an award?

2:29 I made a boo boo.

2:30 All right.

2:31 [laughter] I think the board will really

2:33 appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant.

2:36 President SA right here.

2:37 We have a microcontrolled plasma.

2:43 [laughter] Wow.

2:47 Looks like the Ganges on Laundry Day.

2:52 At least they don't know it was you.

2:55 Hello, Krypkkey.

2:57 This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.

3:04 If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face,

3:07 this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.

3:10 I'll hand a hat tip to Leonard Hoffadder and Raj

3:14 Kraali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.

3:21 Well, I'm going back to India.

3:23 What's your plan?

3:24 [laughter] You know that guidance system was my idea.

3:27 You figured out how to make it work.

3:28 We didn't even need Sheldon.

3:30 Let's not forget your idea was based on my theory.

3:33 Hey, we're bagging on Sheldon here.

3:35 Focus.

3:38 It was pretty smart using our quantum technology

3:40 as the basis for a communication [music] system.

3:42 Be even better if he swapped out the helium for xenon.

3:46 Oo.

3:46 So instead of having to keep it at -271°, you'd only have to keep it at 108.

3:51 It would be way more efficient.

3:53 And xenon has a bigger nucleus,

3:54 [music] so coherence would make it an easier signal to see.

3:58 You're brilliant.

3:58 We should tell Sheldon.

4:00 You're an idiot.

4:02 We don't tell Sheldon.

4:03 We go to the military behind his back and we screw him like he screwed us.

4:07 Yeah, you're right.

4:07 You're right.

4:08 We don't need him.

4:08 We can do this all on our own.

4:10 Do you think you can do the math?

4:11 No.

4:12 [laughter] But if someone else does it,

4:15 I can double check the crap out of [laughter] it.

4:20 So, what do you think?

4:20 Can you make it work?

4:22 Uh, I just need to use the quas

4:24 section to calculate the probability of the interaction.

4:27 Can we help?

4:29 Yes.

4:29 Why don't you one get me a can of Pringles?

4:32 [laughter]

4:35 Based on Crypty's calculations, I think this is going to work.

4:38 Maybe we should pitch it to Colonel Williams today.

4:41 Why limit ourselves to the US military?

4:43 I bet there's a lot of other places we could take this

4:46 without committing criminal espionage.

4:47 You know, it's easy to shoot an idea down, Leonard.

4:51 [laughter] Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.

4:55 You set out to destroy me and you achieved your goal.

4:58 What are you talking about?

4:59 The military canled my project because they're going with yours.

5:03 That's impossible.

5:04 We haven't even pitched it yet.

5:06 Well, Colonel Williams said another team at Caltech

5:08 came up with a more efficient nutrinocom system.

5:10 Damn it.

5:13 Excuse us, Krypy.

5:18 What's up, fellas?

5:19 Did you screw us over?

5:20 Ooh, I can't tell you that.

5:22 It's classified.

5:26 So, I'm going to place this sensory isolation helmet on you for about 5 minutes.

5:29 All you need to do is sit still and relax.

5:32 What do I do if I start to get claustrophobic?

5:34 Oh, the helmet will sense that and stop the experiment.

5:38 Really?

5:37 No, but that'd be cool, wouldn't it?

5:41 [laughter] Amy, are you busy?

5:44 I've got a subject wired up for a sensory study.

5:50 So,

5:50 yes, I'm busy.

5:52 I'm tracking a subject's brain activity

5:53 in real time as we introduce alactory stimuli.

5:56 I'm smelling baby powder.

5:59 That's just my husband.

6:02 Well, I had a thought about our super asymmetry theory.

6:05 Let me show you this one thing.

6:06 I want to see it, but not when I'm in the middle of an experiment.

6:09 Still baby powder.

6:12 Well, he is annoying.

6:13 Do any of those buttons shock him?

6:17 Look, I'm really excited about our paper, too,

6:19 but I've got a lot of my own work to catch up on, so let's talk later.

6:22 Okay.

6:22 Well, let me just say one more thing.

6:24 Lambda calculus.

6:25 And if that wets your whistle, you know where to find me.

6:30 Hey, ready for lunch?

6:31 One sec.

6:33 Is that the prototype drive system for the HiG Rover?

6:36 No.

6:36 Bernardet got me a Fitbit.

6:38 So she can track how much I'm exercising.

6:43 That'll teach her to care about your health.

6:45 [laughter] Yeah.

6:46 I can't wait to see the look on her face when I die young.

6:50 [laughter]

6:51 When was the last actual exercise you got?

6:53 The other day when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.

6:58 According to a recent study,

7:00 simply thinking about exercise even while

7:02 sitting still can have physical benefits.

7:04 For all you know, I could be exercising right now.

7:07 Are you?

7:07 Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.

7:10 Wouldn't be the worst thing if we were more active.

7:13 You make an excellent point.

7:18 I think I'm getting a runner's hike.

7:24 Howie, what's up?

7:27 Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?

7:31 [laughter]

7:34 Leonard, I've got terrible news.

7:36 What's going on?

7:38 Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow.

7:42 Your face is pleasingly symmetrical.

7:47 Just tell me.

7:48 A Swedish team of physicists is trying

7:50 to scoop our super fluid vortex experiment.

7:54 That kind of stinks.

7:55 That kind of stinks?

7:56 What?

7:57 Why aren't you more upset?

7:58 Did I soften the blow too much?

8:00 Yeah, because this here is more like a Picasso painting.

8:05 [laughter] What are we going to do?

8:07 Perform the experiment immediately.

8:08 I'd love to, but we need liquid helium

8:10 and our shipment's on back order for a month.

8:13 A month?

8:13 Well, are you kidding me?

8:15 That have been a good time for you to soften the blow.

8:18 [laughter] That sure brings out the blue in your eyes.

8:21 Thank you.

8:22 Aren't you sweet?

8:24 Let's go check to see if the university has any helium reserve.

8:28 Did you know that I almost didn't wear this shirt today?

8:31 Read another one.

8:32 Okay.

8:32 Okay.

8:32 Um, the analogy between spacetime and a super

8:36 cooled fluid is either meaningless or false.

8:40 I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead

8:43 of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish.

8:48 Who wrote that?

8:49 As anonymous username general relativity.

8:54 Well, I'm responding to it.

8:56 Don't lower yourself to their level.

8:58 Look, I am simply going to defend our work scientist to scientist and failing

9:02 that suggests that his mother enjoys

9:04 a string of both human and non-human lovers.

9:09 Sheldon, my name's on that paper, too.

9:11 There's no upside to doing this.

9:12 He just left another comment.

9:14 What does it say?

9:16 Upon review, I've changed my mind about the Cooper

9:19 Hosted hypothesis that spacetime is like a super fluid.

9:22 In fact, it's inspired me to come up with my own theory.

9:26 Maybe spacetime is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket.

9:29 Much like Cooper and Hoff, [laughter] can I respond now?

9:35 Do it.

9:36 You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

9:40 About to show this guy just how horny I can be.

9:46 [laughter] Somebody else do it.

9:50 [laughter] Did he respond yet?

9:55 No, not yet.

9:58 Maybe we shouldn't have sunk to his level.

10:00 It wasn't that bad.

10:01 Read it back one more time.

10:03 [clears throat] My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes.

10:08 In fact, we are experts in our fields.

10:11 And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper.

10:15 And later tonight, your mother.

10:19 So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Moulder.

10:24 Glad to see I got Scully Moulder and Scully X Files.

10:32 [laughter] The truth is out there.

10:34 Never mind.

10:35 Uh, so what would you like to know?

10:39 You work with Mr.

10:39 Wallowitz here at the university, correct?

10:42 Yes, of course.

10:42 We're in different departments.

10:44 He's an engineer and I'm an experimental physicist.

10:47 You know, one of those guys who

10:48 examines the building blocks of creation and says,

10:51 "Hello, maker of the universe.

10:56 [laughter] I see what you did there.

10:57 Good one.

10:59 Right.

11:00 Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr.

11:02 Wallowitz?

11:06 Good.

11:06 It's a good relationship.

11:08 Of course, most of my relationships are good.

11:11 Probably because I exude confidence.

11:14 [laughter] People are drawn to that.

11:16 You know, confidence not exuding.

11:22 [laughter]

11:23 Do you know of any groups Mr.

11:24 Wallowitz is a member of?

11:26 You are beautiful.

11:27 You know that.

11:29 You pop, sparkle, and buzz electric.

11:35 I'm going to pick you up at 8.

11:37 Show you a night you will never forget.

11:41 Sounds great.

11:46 Really?

11:45 Yeah.

11:46 Can my 6'2 Navy Seal husband come with us?

11:51 Is that Oh my.

11:52 I didn't see the ring with my glasses off.

11:56 Look at that.

11:57 I'm starting to exude.

12:00 I just want to make sure that we're all clear.

12:02 Standard robotic fighting league rules apply.

12:05 ARE YOU QUEASY?

12:06 THIS IS A STREET FIGHT.

12:07 THE SWEET HAS NO RULES.

12:10 He's right, Leonard.

12:10 The paradigm is to the death.

12:12 I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my superiority

12:16 now and offer me your robot as the spoils of war.

12:20 [laughter] Never.

12:21 I'd rather see Monty dead than in your hands.

12:24 That could be easily arranged.

12:26 [laughter] Ready, set, go.

12:28 Do it.

12:29 All right, then.

12:31 Ready, set, go.

12:37 Come on, Sham.

12:38 You got this.

12:39 Indeed.

12:40 We are prepared for anything he can throw at us.

12:49 [laughter]

12:50 That's new.

13:01 Don't hurt us.

13:02 DON'T HURT US.

13:04 SHELDON, I know you're in the zone, but you want some tea.

13:11 All right.

13:11 I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you haven't spoken in hours,

13:14 and I'm starting to get worried.

13:16 Please say something.

13:17 Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.

13:23 Nope.

13:24 It was better before.

13:25 [laughter] Look at it.

13:28 I feel like my mind just made a baby [laughter] and it's beautiful.

13:34 It's not like human babies which are loud and covered in goop.

13:38 [laughter] Holy crap, Sheldon.

13:40 Did you just figure out a method

13:42 for synthesizing a new stable super heavy element?

13:46 Did I?

13:47 [laughter] Well, that can't be right.

13:49 No one's ever done that before except me because I JUST DID IT.

13:52 [laughter] SHELDON AND HIS BRAIN.

13:54 YES.

13:54 Sheldon and his brain.

13:55 Yeah.

13:56 SHELDON AND HIS BRAIN.

13:57 YEAH.

13:58 SHELDON AND HIS BRAIN.

13:59 YEAH.

13:59 Sheldon and [laughter] Yeah, I definitely had him before.

14:01 Sheldon and his

14:02 I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model,

14:05 but I didn't say anything cuz you're so sensitive.

14:08 Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell,

14:10 and the way birds look at me does not mean I'm sensitive.

14:15 Hey, I wonder what kind of success we'd have if we defined measurement

14:20 as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.

14:25 That is a daring and insightful solution.

14:29 We're finally making progress.

14:30 I wish we could do it without fighting.

14:33 What if the fighting is the reason we're making progress?

14:38 I suppose it's conceivable that the hormones associated

14:40 with our fight orflight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.

14:45 Well, if that's the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.

14:52 How dare you speak that way about my Grammy?

14:54 Hey, wait a second.

14:55 WAIT.

14:58 [laughter] Delta T could equal alpha sub0.

15:05 Seems we have a choice to make.

15:08 Abandon all ground rules in the name of science

15:11 or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.

15:17 There's only one clear choice.

15:20 Science.

15:19 No, you bonehead.

15:22 Name calling.

15:23 That is perfect.

15:24 Now, when I get to this equation here, really, let me have it.

15:27 Now, if it helps, I'm not the sharpest dresser.

15:31 I never realized this building was classified.

15:34 Maybe that's because it's classified.

15:39 Wish we weren't so far from my part in space.

15:42 The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that's a good thing.

15:47 I'd like to reinstate the you not talking rule.

15:50 Why?

15:50 It clearly doesn't work.

15:51 [laughter] I guess this is it.

15:56 Is that a retinal scanner?

15:58 Let's find out.

16:01 Howard Wallowitz, access granted.

16:04 No.

16:05 My turn.

16:05 My turn.

16:07 Leonard Hoffetter.

16:08 Access granted.

16:09 I didn't even have to take my glasses off.

16:17 Access denied.

16:19 IT KNOWS.

16:21 OH.

16:21 OH.

16:21 OH.

16:21 GUYS, HOLD ME UPSIDE DOWN.

16:26 [laughter] Howard Wallowitz.

16:32 Access granted.

16:34 I've invented a science joke.

16:36 Would you like to hear it?

16:39 Sure.

16:38 How many Edison does it take to screw in a light bulb?

16:42 How many?

16:43 Who cares?

16:44 He stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.

16:48 [laughter] Is that really true?

16:49 Of course.

16:50 That's how you know it's a good joke.

16:52 It not only entertains, it informs.

16:55 [laughter] Hey, sorry to interrupt.

16:58 Yeah, Barry.

16:59 Uh, how many Edison does it take to screw in a light bulb?

17:02 Did you know Edison didn't actually invent the light bulb?

17:05 [laughter]

17:08 What do you want, Barry?

17:09 [laughter] Just wanted to drop this off as wood.

17:12 Thank you for Amy.

17:13 Well, what's this for?

17:14 Your idea really helped me out.

17:16 My white cone quantization paper's online already.

17:19 The response has been amazing.

17:21 Well, that's fascinating.

17:22 I can't wait to read it.

17:24 Yeah, I know.

17:24 Me as well.

17:25 Please email it to Sheldon bazinga.biz.

17:30 Why do biz?

17:31 Because I just gave you the business.

17:33 And also bazinga.com was taken.

17:39 [laughter]

17:44 Done.

17:44 33 seconds.

17:45 Okay, that'll be our baseline.

17:48 You know, I don't want to tell you how to do your job,

17:49 but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.

17:53 It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers.

17:57 And his last meal was a food pellet.

18:00 You're a monster.

18:02 [laughter] All right.

18:04 Next, we're going to introduce an anxietyinducing stimulus,

18:07 measure your stress levels,

18:08 and see how it affects your problem solving rate.

18:10 Very well, and good luck.

18:12 I'm a pretty laid-back guy.

18:13 [laughter] Ready?

18:17 Begin.

18:24 [laughter] [laughter]

18:41 Why'd you pop it?

18:42 I'm sorry.

18:42 I was aiming for your heart.

18:48 [laughter]

18:48 Look, I know you don't like it, but that's the point of the experiment.

18:51 I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone.

18:54 And you said no to tickling poker music or watching me eat a banana.

18:59 Who eats them horizontally?

19:01 [laughter] My mother said that's how good girls do it.

19:10 Perhaps this is a waste of time.

19:12 Sheldon, you're a remarkable scientist.

19:15 Just be patient.

19:16 I'm sure you will find the breakthrough you've been looking for.

19:19 Thank you.

19:20 And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery,

19:25 what does it matter?

19:27 Only [clears throat] do solid research.

19:30 I come to you for help and you insult me.

19:33 I thought the least that you would do.

19:34 My anxiety levels are right in the zone.

19:37 Really?

19:37 Oh, that's fantastic.

19:39 Now, wait, no, wait.

19:40 They're dropping.

19:40 Why are they dropping?

19:42 Because you're happy they're [laughter] elevated.

19:43 Oh, that is infuriating.

19:45 Now, look, they're going back UP AGAIN.

19:47 TERRIFIC.

19:47 OH, NO.

19:48 THEY'RE GOING BACK DOWN.

19:52 Right this way, Uncle Harvey.

20:00 Please stop with that already.

20:01 I am trying not to attract attention.

20:05 Tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn't do that.

20:08 She's had way notice.

20:09 What was he supposed to do?

20:11 [laughter] To start the experiment,

20:13 Leonard, we should probably have our stories straight in case we get caught.

20:16 We're not getting caught.

20:17 But you can't be sure of that.

20:19 But what if the helium dealer rats us out?

20:21 What if Crypt asks where we got it?

20:23 What if the university checks my family tree

20:25 and finds out I don't have an Uncle Harvey?

20:28 The dealer doesn't care.

20:30 Crypt has no authority over us.

20:32 And you being related to a metal container would explain a lot.

20:37 Hook this up.

20:39 Uh-oh.

20:41 What?

20:41 Well, did you see this sticker?

20:42 What is it?

20:43 It's partially torn off,

20:44 but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.

20:48 It's probably USC or UCLA.

20:50 But what if it's property of US government?

20:53 There's a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas.

20:55 If this was stolen from there, we're accessories to a federal crime.

20:59 Let's not jump to conclusions.

21:00 A lot of things start with you.

21:02 That's true.

21:04 US Air Force, US Department of Defense, US Navy.

21:07 You and I are going to jail.

21:10 [laughter] Listen, we can do the experiment as planned

21:12 and beat the Swedish team to the punch,

21:14 or we can kiss our dreams goodbye because we're too afraid to break a few rules.

21:26 You know, that guidance system was my idea.

21:27 You figured out how to make it work.

21:29 We didn't even need Sheldon.

21:30 Let's not forget your idea was based on my [music] theory.

21:33 Hey, we're bagging on Sheldon here.

21:35 Focus.

21:38 Actually was pretty smart using our quantum

21:40 technology as the basis for a communication system.

21:43 Be even better if he swapped out the helium for xenon.

21:47 Oo.

21:47 So instead of having to keep it at -271°, you'd only have to keep it at 108.

21:52 It would be way more efficient.

21:53 And xenon has a bigger nucleus,

21:55 so coherence would make it an easier signal to see.

21:58 You're brilliant.

21:59 We should tell Sheldon.

22:00 You're an idiot.

22:03 We don't tell Sheldon.

22:04 We go to the military behind his back and we screw him like he screwed us.

22:08 Yeah.

22:07 Yeah.

22:07 Yeah.

22:08 You're right.

22:08 You're right.

22:08 We don't need him.

22:09 We can do this all on our own.

22:10 Do you think you can do the math?

22:13 No.

22:14 [laughter]

22:14 But if someone else does it, I can double check the crap out of it.

22:19 So, what do you think?

22:19 Can you make it work?

22:21 Uh, I just need to use the quas

22:23 section to calculate the probability of the interaction.

22:26 Can we help?

22:28 Yes.

22:28 Why do you want to give me a can of Pringles?

22:33 Based on Crypty's calculations, I think this is going to work.

22:36 Maybe we should pitch it to Colonel Williams today.

22:38 Why limit ourselves to the US military?

22:40 I bet there's a lot of other places we could take this

22:43 without committing criminal espionage.

22:45 You know, it's easy to shoot an idea down, Leonard.

22:50 Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.

22:52 You set out to destroy me and you achieved your goal.

22:56 What are you talking about?

22:57 The military canled my project because they're going with yours.

23:01 That's impossible.

23:02 We haven't even pitched it yet.

23:03 Well, Colonel Williams said another team at Caltech

23:05 came up with a more efficient nutrinocom system.

23:08 Damn it.

23:11 Excuse us.

23:13 Krypy, what's up, fellas?

23:16 Did you screw us over?

23:18 Ooh, I can't tell you that.

23:20 Classified.

23:27 Raj, [snorts] can't believe they're going to cut

23:36 that with this punk ass diamond saw.

23:41 [laughter] [laughter]

23:57 [laughter] Leonard, what are you doing?

24:00 Showing you that this is the better way.

24:03 Stop.

24:03 Whatever's inside there is dangerous.

24:12 Oh, and pretty.

24:13 [laughter] What is that?

24:18 AH, are you okay?

24:21 Ah, yeah.

24:22 I'm fine.

24:22 I'm just feeling a little [laughter] hungry.

24:33 [screaming] Stop eating B.

24:37 [laughter] Keep eating B.

24:41 [screaming]

24:44 Leonard.

24:44 Leonard.

24:45 What?

24:45 What?

24:46 You're having a bad dream.

24:47 Oh, thank God.

24:49 I was eating my friends.

24:51 Well, one friend and one acquaintance.

24:53 That You know what?

24:53 Bert's okay.

24:54 Two friends.

24:56 Let me see if you're running a fever.

25:01 Yeah.

24:59 Oh, yeah.

25:00 You're burning up.

25:05 [screaming]

25:07 Jeez.

25:08 Are you okay?

25:10 It depends.

25:10 What color are my eyes?

25:12 I don't know.

25:12 Brown.

25:13 No, green.

25:14 No, wait.

25:14 Brown.

25:16 Oh, good.

25:17 I'm awake.

25:17 [laughter]

25:20 Anybody home?

25:21 Hey, hey, hey.

25:22 What are you doing here?

25:23 I just thought I'd stop by and say hello.

25:25 Oh, what a nice surprise.

25:27 I don't think you've ever seen my lab before.

25:29 Uh, no.

25:29 I know.

25:30 It's long overdue.

25:31 So, what you doing?

25:33 Better not be building a robot girlfriend.

25:36 No.

25:37 Although Howard was making some real strides

25:39 in that area until he met Bernardet.

25:42 What?

25:42 You're kidding.

25:43 Nope.

25:43 Now, the Lisa 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring.

25:49 [laughter] Oo, what's going on in here?

25:52 Oh, no, no, no.

25:52 Don't look in there.

25:53 What is it?

25:54 A secret?

25:55 No.

25:55 It's a nitrogen laser.

25:56 It'll cut your eyeball like a softball egg.

26:00 Oh, you might want to put a sign on it.

26:01 [laughter]

26:03 Sign right there.

26:05 Uh, danger.

26:06 Sure.

26:08 So, what's what's that?

26:09 Uh, that is an integrated ion trap and time offlight mass spectrometer.

26:14 Wow.

26:14 Hi, techie techie.

26:18 Oh, what's this little box?

26:20 That is a pencil sharpener.

26:24 Ooh, low techie techie.

26:27 So, what are you working on right now?

26:29 Oh, it's actually pretty neat.

26:32 Yeah,

26:31 it's a front projected holographic

26:33 display combined with laserbased finger tracking.

26:36 Here, I'll show you.

26:38 Let's put this pencil over here.

26:42 Sharp.

26:42 Thanks to the machine we saw earlier.

26:46 [laughter]

26:47 Very good.

26:49 Then a laser will map the reflective surface and voila.

26:58 Wow, that is amazing.

27:05 [laughter]

27:04 You know, there's a foundational idea in string

27:06 theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.

27:10 What do you mean?

27:16 Oh, wow.

27:18 Well, the holographic principle suggests that what

27:21 we all experience every day in three dimensions

27:24 may really just be information on a surface

27:30 located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos.

27:36 So, it's possible that our lives are really just acting

27:41 out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.

27:46 H

27:51 what?

27:51 Sometimes I forget how smart you are.

27:59 You should visit more often.

28:00 [clears throat]

28:04 What are you doing?

28:08 Take off your clothes.

28:10 What?

28:10 Here now?

28:11 Yeah.

28:11 You got a problem with that?

28:12 Oh no.

28:15 It's kind of crazy.

28:15 I've never fooled around in the lab before.

28:17 Really?

28:18 Never?

28:18 Nope.

28:18 Well, I did have a shot with the Lisatronic,

28:20 but the extension cord wasn't long enough.

28:27 So, basically, this is what's called mag lev technology.

28:31 It uses very powerful electromagnets to create

28:34 a force strong enough to overcome gravity.

28:37 You hold this.

28:39 Wa, that's heavy.

28:40 Yeah.

28:41 Oh.

28:41 Uh, you don't have on any jewelry, do you?

28:43 No.

28:43 Why?

28:44 Um, grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings.

28:48 Now he's on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size.

28:53 Now watch this.

29:00 Wa, that is very cool.

29:02 Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I'm the super villain Magneto.

29:09 Getting a little less cool energy.

29:10 [laughter] But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands

29:15 the mechanics of the universe and is

29:16 wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him.

29:18 There we go.

29:22 Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?

29:25 [laughter]

29:30 It's too thin if I were making a foot long brain

29:32 sandwich at Quiznos [laughter] for examination under a two photon microscope.

29:38 It's fine.

29:39 [laughter] Well, you're the expert.

29:45 If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.

29:48 [laughter] Very well.

29:49 If you die and donate your body to science,

29:51 I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

29:56 Thank you.

29:57 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.

30:01 Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order

30:03 to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity?

30:06 I did that one summer.

30:08 Oh, youth.

30:11 No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night,

30:14 so I'm checking my vital signs every hour.

30:16 I'd be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

30:21 Oh, that sounds like fun.

30:25 All right.

30:27 What were the symptoms?

30:29 Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.

30:36 Localized to what region?

30:41 Ears and genitalia.

30:45 [laughter] Interesting.

30:46 Not body parts that usually team up.

30:51 [laughter] What about environmental factors?

30:54 Describe the scene for me.

30:56 I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernardet

30:58 drinking water carbonated as it was a special occasion.

31:01 [laughter] Penny's friend Zach stopped by and said hello and I said who?

31:08 Who?

31:08 Zack.

31:10 Then why did you ask?

31:12 Ask what?

31:15 Who?

31:16 Zack.

31:16 All right, let's start over.

31:18 What did you say when Zach walked in?

31:22 Who?

31:23 Zack.

31:23 Why do you keep saying Zack?

31:25 Because you keep saying who.

31:27 I'm not saying who now.

31:28 I said who last night and the answer was Zack.

31:31 Correct.

31:32 There was [laughter] no question.

31:33 I simply said who.

31:37 All right.

31:38 I think I have enough to go on.

31:42 Possible explanations for your symptoms are in descending order of likelihood,

31:46 hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, posting an alien parasite,

31:51 or and I only include it for the sake

31:54 of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.

32:00 Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

32:04 What are we going to tell the girls?

32:05 It's not a problem.

32:06 I mean, without lying.

32:07 And now you've made it a problem.

32:10 Come on.

32:10 We're a couple of smart guys.

32:12 Sure, we can come up with a way to explain this that doesn't make us look bad.

32:19 Oh, the boys had to drive all the way

32:20 to San Bernardino for the solder and got a flat.

32:26 They bought it.

32:28 Who are you texting?

32:30 Raj, he really wants to see this movie.

32:33 He'll never make it in time.

32:34 I know.

32:34 I want to make him feel bad.

32:38 Haha.

32:39 Leonard and I are about to see Suicide Squad.

32:42 Spoiler alert.

32:43 When I see you, I'm going to spoil it.

32:46 You're a good friend.

32:47 [laughter]

32:57 Okay.

32:59 Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment?

33:06 Why?

33:05 I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.

33:11 [laughter] You know the best part of working in the clean room?

33:14 No allergies.

33:15 Check it out.

33:19 Oh, that that that's a lot of oxygen.

33:23 We should get going to Amy's.

33:25 Yeah.

33:25 Can you believe there was a time when we would have

33:27 needed an array of giant Cherikov telescopes to detect cosmic particles?

33:31 And here we are building our own multi-wire detector like a couple of bad asses.

33:37 [laughter] I know.

33:38 If we were still single, we'd be tripping over all that booty.

33:42 Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag.

33:51 [laughter] Oh no.

33:55 How the hell did a pigeon get in here?

33:57 We shut the loading doors, right?

33:58 I thought you did.

33:59 Do you know what a disaster this is?

34:01 You mean cuz this room isn't supposed to have dust

34:03 in it and we just let IN A FLYING CRAP MACHINE?

34:07 What do we do?

34:08 SHOULD WE CALL SOMEONE AND TELL THEM THAT WE COMPROMISED all the equipment?

34:12 Let's just get it out of here before anyone knows.

34:15 Okay.

34:15 How do we catch it?

34:16 Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to us?

34:22 It's not a moth.

34:26 Don't yell at me.

34:27 You're not going to get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.

34:29 Okay.

34:29 So, if I remain calm, I'll get more gems.

34:32 Like, turn off the lights.

34:34 [laughter] Great.

34:35 We're turning on each other.

34:36 THAT'S JUST WHAT THE BIRD WANTS US TO DO.

34:41 [laughter] OKAY.

34:44 On the count of three, I'll shoot the fire extinguisher and get him airborne.

34:48 Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit.

34:50 Roz, you hold open the curtain so we can fly out.

34:52 Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket?

34:58 Do you want the fire extinguisher?

34:59 Yeah, I do.

35:00 Great.

35:00 Here you go.

35:02 Thanks.

35:02 [laughter] One 2 3.

35:09 [laughter] You have to take the pin out.

35:18 You miss the blanket now, don't you?

35:20 [laughter] On three.

35:24 1 2 3.

35:32 [laughter] What did you do?

35:38 It was an [laughter] accident.

35:39 Oh my god.

35:40 Oh my god.

35:41 No, relax.

35:42 It wasn't your fault.

35:43 Maybe it's just stunned.

35:44 Dude, it it it's not breathing.

35:47 Oh, no.

35:48 I killed it.

35:50 Oh, not again.

35:53 What do you mean not again?

35:55 [laughter] When I was 10, I was playing in my backyard and sat on a Blue J.

36:06 [laughter] I tried to bring it back to life with electricity,

36:10 but it just CAUGHT ON FIRE.

36:18 [laughter] THE WORST PART WAS IT SMELLED DELICIOUS.

36:21 So this is it?

36:23 Yes, we are using it to map brain wave patterns and then converting them

36:26 into electrical impulses that could be used

36:28 to control anything from wheelchairs to robots.

36:30 Based on that ring on your finger,

36:31 I'd say you're pretty good at controlling robots.

36:35 Careful, that's my fiance you're talking about,

36:37 and I can program him to hurt you.

36:41 If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors,

36:43 I'll have to rewrite most of the code.

36:45 Well,

36:45 can you do that?

36:46 Well, these hands were made to do three things.

36:48 Close-up magic, writing code,

36:49 and the dirty shadow puppet show that got me kicked out of Hebrew school.

36:57 Hello.

36:57 Hi.

36:57 What a nice surprise.

36:59 Well, I just came by to see how you two were getting along.

37:02 Well, everything's going really great.

37:03 Oh, that's nice to hear.

37:06 I was hoping you two would enjoy working together.

37:08 [laughter] What's with the blinking?

37:13 It's Morse code so we can talk about without hurting its feelings.

37:24 [laughter]

37:25 Sheldon, I don't know Morris code.

37:27 I do.

37:28 And if you have something to say, you can say it to my face.

37:31 Oh, all right.

37:35 [cheering] [laughter]

37:42 I'm a little rusty.

37:43 Could he say that again?

37:55 [laughter]

37:59 Hey, Krypy.

38:00 Hello.

38:01 Ha.

38:04 Why are you cleaning that out yourself?

38:05 Don't you have grad students?

38:07 Come on.

38:07 I can't make my grad students do every dirty job.

38:11 Or so I've been told in Whiting by the head of human resources.

38:16 [laughter] Fair enough.

38:17 Uh so look, I'm here to ask you

38:20 to give Sheldon and Amy the Anthony for their wedding.

38:23 [laughter] Why would I do that?

38:29 Because deep down, Barry, you're a really good guy.

38:34 But am I?

38:38 Fine.

38:38 What's it going to take?

38:40 [laughter]

38:46 Barry, I have come to ask one more.

38:49 Leonard, why are you doing that?

38:52 Because deep down Barry is not a good guy.

38:56 He's making you clean out barrels of irradiated grease.

39:00 Yeah, I made a deal with him to get you the Aanam for your wedding.

39:08 Why would you do that?

39:10 Because I was a jerk for lying to you before.

39:13 And besides, you're my best friend.

39:14 I want you to have the wedding of your dreams

39:18 on Mars.

39:23 Okay.

39:23 I want Amy to have the wedding of her dreams.

39:27 Well, thank you.

39:28 But I don't want you to do this.

39:30 It's okay.

39:32 No, it's not.

39:33 We're not going to let Barry win.

39:35 What are we going to do?

39:37 We have a combined IQ of 360.

39:39 Yeah, perhaps more if that radiation gave you a superb brain.

39:44 Yeah, you're right.

39:46 If we work together, we can totally outsmart Barry Krypkkey.

39:57 Lunar, my nose itches.

39:58 What do I do?

40:08 Oh my god, it's working.

40:11 You sure?

40:12 Look, the system is maintaining its own stability.

40:15 The quantum vortex apparatus is now controlling the orientation.

40:20 You're right.

40:21 You realize what this means.

40:24 Yeah, I do.

40:27 It's proof of concept.

40:30 We got a workable guidance system.

40:34 Congratulations.

40:35 Thanks.

40:39 [snorts] Hey, I just got an email from the US Air Force.

40:46 [laughter] Open it.

40:48 We request a meeting at your earliest convenience

40:50 regarding your quantum guidance system provisional patent 62/295118.

40:56 It's weird.

40:58 Is there a window around here we don't know about?

41:03 I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

41:05 Yeah, of course.

41:05 What else could it be?

41:07 Boy, do I love America.

41:12 Hello, Leslie.

41:13 Hi, Leonard.

41:14 Leslie, I would like to propose an experiment.

41:17 Leonard,

41:18 right?

41:18 [laughter] Leslie, I would like to propose an experiment.

41:21 Hang on.

41:22 I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500

41:24 kW oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup of noodles.

41:30 I've done it.

41:30 About 2 seconds.

41:31 2.6 for Minerroni.

41:33 [laughter] Anyway, I was thinking more

41:40 of a bioosocial exploration with a neurochemical overlay.

41:46 Wait, are you asking me out?

41:50 I was going to characterize it as a modification

41:52 of our colleague/friendship paradigm with the addition of a daylight component.

41:56 But we don't need to quibble over terminology.

42:00 What sort of experiment would you propose?

42:02 There is a generally accepted pattern in this area.

42:05 I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie,

42:08 probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bulock.

42:14 Interesting.

42:15 And would you agree that the primary way

42:16 we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based

42:20 on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss,

42:22 heart rate, pherommones, etc.?

42:24 Yes.

42:25 Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date

42:27 goes well and move to the key variable?

42:30 You mean kiss you now?

42:32 Yes.

42:31 Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

42:33 Closed mouth but romantic.

42:35 Mint.

42:35 Thank you.

42:40 [laughter]

42:44 Shall I count down from three?

42:45 No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.

42:48 [laughter]

42:55 What do you think?

42:56 You propose the experiment.

42:57 I think you should present your findings first.

43:00 Fair enough.

43:02 On the plus side, it was a good kiss,

43:04 reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle.

43:08 On the other hand, no arousal.

43:12 None.

43:14 None.

43:15 Ah, [laughter] well, thank you for your time.

43:19 Thank you.

43:21 [laughter]

43:24 None at all.

43:27 [laughter] Oh, did you know at the United

43:32 Nations there's a Department for Outer Space Affairs?

43:36 Really?

43:36 Why?

43:37 They exist in case we ever make contact with an alien civilization.

43:41 Oh boy.

43:41 That's one of those jobs that's boring.

43:43 Boring.

43:44 Boring.

43:45 Then Oh god, where's the memo with what we do now?

43:50 [laughter] Oh, this is cool.

43:52 So, a few weeks ago, I set up a fan page on Facebook for our band.

43:56 And I

43:56 Wait a second.

43:57 How could you do that without consulting me?

44:00 What's not a big deal?

44:01 It just took like 5 minutes to set up.

44:03 That's not the point.

44:04 When we created Footprints on the Moon,

44:07 we agreed that every band decision would be mutual.

44:10 Now you're just trying to take over the whole thing.

44:13 You know, maybe I should go solo.

44:17 Someone joined up age.

44:18 We have an actual fan.

44:22 All right.

44:22 This thing's bigger than you and me.

44:23 Band's back together.

44:27 So, listen to what he wrote.

44:28 Uh, I saw you play at the comic book store, You guys Rock.

44:32 And then there's a animated smiley face raising the roof like this.

44:39 We did raise the roof that night.

44:40 Yeah, we totally did.

44:42 Why do rock stars do drugs when this feels so great?

44:48 Maybe we should post a comment back to our fan and thank him.

44:51 What should we write?

44:52 How about uh oh, how about we might be footprints on the moon,

44:56 but your kind words sent us over the moon.

45:01 Someday you're going to make an amazing grandma.

45:05 What do you want to write?

45:07 Something badass, you know?

45:08 Like, thanks for digging our vibe.

45:12 We'll keep rocking if you keep rolling.

45:16 Dude, if I was wearing a bra, I'd throw it at your head right now.

45:21 I'll keep rocking.

45:22 You don't do that.

45:25 All right.

45:25 How are we going to play this when they return?

45:29 I know you guys should totally be making out with me.

45:35 Sweetie, I know you think jokes like that are funny,

45:37 but do you really think you could handle making out with both of us?

45:42 No, ma'am.

45:45 [laughter]

45:47 Okay.

45:47 Okay.

45:47 How about this?

45:48 They don't know you're here with us.

45:49 See, you hide in the closet.

45:50 When they show up, we'll hear whatever

45:52 their dumb story is about where they were.

45:54 We'll pretend to believe them.

45:55 And just when they think they got away with it, you jump out.

45:57 Yeah, that's pretty good.

45:59 I love it.

46:00 I'll be all like busted and they'll be like,

46:02 "What?" And then we'll all be like, "Oh, YEAH." [laughter] YEAH, I I get it.

46:09 I wouldn't make out with me either.

46:14 Okay, here they come.

46:15 Go hide.

46:16 Oh man, when I come out of the closet, I'm going to NAIL THOSE GUYS.

46:24 [cheering]

46:23 YEAH, I HEARD IT.

46:24 SHUT UP.

46:30 HEY.

46:31 HI.

46:32 HEY.

46:32 What's this?

46:33 Listen, we did a stupid thing.

46:35 We went to a movie and lied about it,

46:38 but we feel bad and want to make it up to you.

46:40 So, these are for you, and if you're not too mad,

46:42 we'd love to take you guys to dinner.

46:44 Yeah.

46:44 Anywhere you want.

46:46 Well, thank you for being honest.

46:48 Yeah.

46:48 You know, I want to be upset,

46:49 but we did kind of have fun working on the prototype.

46:52 Don't forgive them.

46:53 Stay mad at them.

46:56 Here you go.

46:57 This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man

47:00 with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sean.

47:06 Soap spots.

47:07 Wash them again.

47:09 You're being ridiculous.

47:10 Those are perfectly clean.

47:13 Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal

47:15 fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis.

47:17 If it's in fact perfectly clean, drink from it.

47:27 Biologists are mean.

47:32 366 367

47:34 How's it going?

47:36 How's counting going?

47:38 When I was in kindergarten,

47:40 I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show.

47:44 I think I got this.

47:46 GREAT.

47:52 OH, NUTS.

47:56 [laughter] ONE.

47:58 UH, what do we start with?

48:00 Maybe uh splicing some jeans, clone a sheep,

48:03 perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse's back.

48:06 Haha, how to freak.

48:11 Well, I'm going to be doing some brain stem hisystologology while you

48:14 put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beers.

48:18 Wash those Oh, I get it.

48:22 Little hazing for the new fella.

48:23 Yeah, better keep an eye out for what?

48:25 Shoe polish on the microscope for mad

48:27 cow disease and my grilled cheese sandwich.

48:30 No, I just need those beers washed.

48:32 Hippity hop.

48:33 Quick like a bunny.

48:35 Excuse me.

48:35 You have Dr.

48:36 Sheldon Cooper in your lab.

48:37 You're going to make him do the dishes?

48:39 That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

48:45 Sheldon, you've never worked in a lab like this before.

48:47 You have no experience in the field of biology.

48:50 I have plenty of experience in biology.

48:52 I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998 and it's still alive.

48:58 Let's do this.

49:01 Gentlemen, I've got Amy up and running.

49:04 Shall we get to work?

49:06 Before we do, what are you wearing, oh friend, who we pretend is normal?

49:11 These are hydration backpacks for efficiency.

49:15 Whenever I'm thirsty, I have access to water.

49:17 And when I'm hungry, I have lentil soup.

49:21 [laughter]

49:22 It's getting harder to pretend.

49:25 Anyway, Sheldon, we're at a decision point to run

49:26 the xenon stream through the cryocooler or through the vacuum filter.

49:30 Run down the pros and cons of each for me.

49:32 Well, if we run the xenon stream through the cryocooler,

49:34 it'll be cooled immediately before it reacts with the conduction.

49:41 Oh, sorry.

49:42 Uh, carrot chunk.

49:43 [laughter] Just feel the time being saved.

49:50 Ah, I'm back.

49:51 You got me for 8 minutes.

49:53 Sheldon, this is silly.

49:54 You can't expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.

49:58 The coefficient isn't lambda.

49:59 It's lambda sub one.

50:00 And then over here you should consider the possibility

50:02 that the brain itself is in two different quantum states.

50:05 And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?

50:09 The rate of spinning for the central axis

50:11 centrifuge has to be four revolutions per second.

50:14 It can't be four revolutions.

50:15 It's got to be seven.

50:17 Seven?

50:17 Look at the board.

50:18 It's four.

50:19 Oh my god, IT'S SEVEN.

50:21 FOUR.

50:22 SEVEN.

50:21 IT'S FIVE AND a half.

50:23 [snorts] Son of a It's five and a half.

50:27 BRB.

50:27 Let that short and BE RIGHT BACK.

50:29 I'M SAVING SO MUCH TIME.

50:32 Two signals meet up at the Corpus Colossum and T equals zero.

50:37 And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.

50:42 Incredible, Sheldon.

50:43 I didn't expect that you could work on both projects, but I I was wrong.

50:47 You know, I felt the same way about the spork.

50:49 Solids and liquids handled by one utensil.

50:51 That'll never work.

50:53 Spoiler works.

50:56 You got to admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once.

50:59 You know, I felt the same way about the platypus.

51:02 Bird and mammal and the same creature.

51:04 No way.

51:05 Spoiler way.

51:09 You know, I I do have a way to get him out of our hair.

51:12 We've been holding on to this for a few years, but maybe now's the time.

51:17 We can just lock the door.

51:18 You don't have to kill him.

51:21 Can't kill him.

51:22 He'll just respawn at the last SAVE POINT.

51:26 OH, THAT WAS MY SIXTH TRIP TO the bathroom.

51:30 Hey, as long as that's not a urinary tract infection, that's a personal best.

51:35 Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present.

51:40 Really?

51:38 Yeah.

51:38 Go ahead, open it.

51:45 Congratulations.

51:45 The bearer of this certificate is entitled

51:47 to the ultimate train experience at the Nevada Northern Railway.

51:54 You are at the throttle.

51:56 You are the engineer.

51:58 You are running the locomotive.

52:01 [laughter] This doesn't happen very often, but here comes a hug.

52:11 [laughter] Oh dear, I have to tinkle again.

52:20 Okay, where were we?

52:23 How much will it hurt?

52:26 It's just a tiny skin sample.

52:28 You saw me do it to myself.

52:30 On a scale of 1 to 10, where one is a pebble in your shoe and 10 is

52:35 the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off?

52:39 A two.

52:40 Eating a whole Altoid.

52:44 Sheldon, if I'm going to synthesize a neural network from our skin cells,

52:47 I need to harvest them.

52:48 Now, I've done this dozens of times,

52:50 but if you're too scared, you don't have to.

52:52 No, this is for science.

52:54 I can be brave for science.

52:58 Thank you.

52:59 Oh, Jiminy, that's cold.

53:02 Just think how happy you'll be in a few weeks

53:03 when I've converted our skin cells into functional brain cells.

53:07 All right, just warn me before you do it.

53:11 Okay, [snorts] three, two, and we're done.

53:19 You tricked me.

53:20 You didn't say one.

53:22 It didn't hurt, did it?

53:23 No, but three, two, and we're done is incomplete.

53:26 You know, those things bother me.

53:28 It's like hearing da da da da da without yelling.

53:31 Okay, fine.

53:32 One.

53:33 Thank you.

53:34 Now, yell charge and we can get out of here.

53:38 I don't understand why I can't talk at this meeting.

53:41 Cuz when you talk, it enrages people.

53:44 [laughter]

53:46 Okay.

53:46 A quick question.

53:47 Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?

53:53 Yes.

53:52 Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel

53:54 Sanders was never actually in the military?

53:58 I'm getting enraged.

54:01 Oh, can I use texttospech software?

54:04 No, don't speak.

54:07 Oh, I'm nuts.

54:10 Gentlemen, I'm Colonel Williams.

54:12 Thank you for meeting with me.

54:13 Hi.

54:15 Hello.

54:17 So, which one of you was the brains behind all this?

54:21 Well, it's a group effort,

54:22 but I I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.

54:26 [laughter] And because of the quantum vortices, this can run perpetually.

54:35 Exactly.

54:35 Yeah.

54:35 You have a good grasp of the physics.

54:37 Well, I'm a scientist by training.

54:39 Really?

54:40 You're a physicist?

54:41 Better.

54:41 I'm an engineer.

54:49 Where did you go to school?

54:52 MIT.

54:52 Well, hey, me, too.

54:53 I should have known.

54:54 Behind every great invention is an MIT mind.

54:57 [laughter] I'll cut to the chase.

55:02 The Air Force believes there's an application for this technology,

55:06 and we're interested in funding your research.

55:10 Thanks.

55:10 But you should know we're a little concerned about this being used in weapons.

55:15 Oh, well, let me put your mind at ease.

55:16 What we use it for is none of your business.

55:23 I don't know how I feel about this.

55:25 Look, guys, it's just a guidance system.

55:27 It's not like you're handing us the Death Star from Star Trek.

55:32 [cheering] All you need to worry about is right now

55:38 it's this big and we need it to be this big.

55:44 That's a lot less big.

55:47 Yes, it's this much less big.

55:51 [cheering] I'm not even sure that's possible.

55:54 Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT

55:56 and they thought they could get it done in 4 months.

55:59 4 months?

56:00 Yeah, WE'LL DO IT IN TWO.

56:02 HI, I'm Dr.

56:03 Shelton Cooper.

56:03 I'm the actual brains behind this project.

56:06 Also, engineers aren't real scientists.

56:08 MIT is a trade school.

56:09 And the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek.

56:14 Otherwise, thank you for your service.

56:18 I don't know about this, Howard.

56:20 What?

56:21 You're having trouble with the long distance love making?

56:24 This is your answer.

56:25 There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth.

56:29 You have one.

56:29 Priya has one in India.

56:31 When you move your lips and tongue on yours,

56:32 it transmits exactly what you're doing to hers.

56:35 See?

56:36 Internet kissing.

56:42 [laughter] Try.

56:48 I don't think so.

56:49 [laughter] I'll try it.

56:55 [laughter] Wait.

56:58 Like this.

56:59 Almost.

57:00 Really?

57:00 Get your tongue in there to activate the motion sensor.

57:03 [laughter] Like this.

57:07 Really French it [laughter] [laughter] better.

57:19 Yeah, you got it.

57:19 You got it.

57:22 [laughter] I'm impressed.

57:24 This is very lifelike.

57:27 Well, you just bit my tongue.

57:29 Oh, I I labored.

57:30 I was being playful.

57:33 Why do you have to make everything weird?

57:39 Sorry, [laughter] better.

57:44 Oh, [laughter] yeah.

57:48 Most people don't realize this technique has

57:50 actually been around for a few years.

57:52 Still, I can't believe you can turn

57:53 ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells.

57:56 Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky's the limit.

58:00 [cheering] Look, look.

58:03 Here I am standing next to the incubator.

58:07 And here is a microscopic view of the cells.

58:12 Look at that.

58:12 Put him in a tiny flash t-shirt and it's you.

58:17 Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted

58:20 images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy's lab.

58:25 I'm running out of ways to act excited.

58:30 So, enough about us.

58:31 How are things going with you?

58:32 Great.

58:33 The doctor said the baby's head is facing down now.

58:36 Good.

58:36 You know, in case the exit isn't clearly marked.

58:40 Yeah.

58:40 I have to say it is nice to share

58:43 this experience with someone who's on the same journey.

58:47 Although, right now,

58:49 ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waist.

58:56 ARE YOU ACTUALLY comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl?

59:01 [laughter]

59:02 Well, I didn't make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.

59:07 You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices.

59:11 Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.

59:17 Mine has a fully developed immune system.

59:20 Ours doesn't need an immune system because

59:21 it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.

59:25 Sheldon, that's enough.

59:26 Oh, you know, fine.

59:27 Let's just agree that both creations are special in their own way,

59:30 and it is foolish to try and compare them.

59:33 Although, we didn't need to have sex with Howard for ours, so we win.

59:39 [music] [music]