The Office BUT Everyone Gets Hurt

0:00 Can I ask you all a question?

0:02 Do you know what it's like to be disabled?

0:05 Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team.

0:08 I feel very blessed.

0:35 Block.

0:36 Grasp wrist as such.

0:38 And what if he comes at you with the other hand because he does have two?

0:41 Good point.

0:41 Second, throat punch.

0:43 Absorb the blow.

0:45 Groin punch.

0:47 Hip block.

0:48 ELBOW TO THE GUT.

0:49 UH-OH.

0:50 UP TO THE NOSE.

0:50 NO, YOU'RE NOT.

0:53 OH, MY GOD.

0:54 HE'S MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH A FOOL.

0:56 He really is, BUT NOT FOR LONG.

1:00 OW, GOD.

1:01 INSTEP.

1:02 OH, NOT AGAIN.

1:05 YOU LET GO.

1:06 YOU LET GO.

1:07 OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

1:08 OKAY, HOLD ON.

1:09 YOU TWO ARE SO EVENLY MATCHED.

1:11 I DON'T KNOW HOW ONE OF you is going to get the upper hand.

1:13 The important thing to remember, Jim,

1:15 we always have what is called the element OF SURPRISE.

1:22 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

1:28 Meredith was hit by a car.

1:30 What?

1:31 It happened this morning in the parking lot.

1:34 I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life.

1:38 They did the best that they could.

1:41 And she is going to be okay.

1:44 What is wrong with you?

1:46 Why would you have to phrase it like that?

1:48 I have an announcement.

1:50 You pushed Daryl out the window.

1:51 No.

1:51 You shot Dwight.

1:52 No.

1:52 No, that is not funny.

1:54 I love my employees, even though I hit one of you with my car,

1:58 for which I take full responsibility.

2:01 But, did you ever think of this?

2:04 Would a sober person walk in front of a car?

2:08 Ew.

2:08 I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9:00 a.m.?

2:12 Let's just pick a time.

2:13 That's not cool.

2:14 proof of that.

2:15 That's not That seems early even for her.

2:16 That's not what No.

2:17 No, I'm not saying that.

2:19 That's disgusting.

2:20 Drunk.

2:21 No.

2:22 You can't get drunk off Kahlua.

2:24 It's just a kind of coffee.

2:26 Then what are you saying?

2:28 I am saying that maybe I was drunk.

2:35 Did you ever think of that?

2:37 No.

2:38 That's Okay.

2:39 Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off

2:41 of this unavoidable tragedy and onto more positive things.

2:47 So, I thought we should plant a tree.

2:51 Oh, good.

2:51 He's been wanting to work.

2:53 Okay, we're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.

2:55 So, like a freedom tree.

2:56 I can take three people.

2:57 I can also take three people.

2:59 Separate cars.

3:00 Pam.

3:00 All right, we'll get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.

3:03 Pam.

3:03 Salespeople can go later in the day.

3:05 Hourly workers can go at lunch.

3:07 Okay, good.

3:07 Good.

3:07 So, we'll just all go down there together at lunch.

3:10 Excellent.

3:10 I was thinking that we But, if you I think it would be kind of a lot.

3:17 Oh, she looks like an angel.

3:20 She looks awful.

3:21 No, okay.

3:22 She always looks like that.

3:23 It was not my fault.

3:24 They don't have this kind of technology at the vets.

3:27 It's not fair.

3:28 It's fair.

3:29 You know what?

3:29 Why don't we go around the room and say one memory of Meredith.

3:34 I'll start.

3:35 I liked her jumpers.

3:37 They reminded me of kindergarten.

3:42 Jim.

3:43 I'll always remember Meredith's back.

3:46 That's all I can see from my desk.

3:48 All that red hair over a nice strong back.

3:53 Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top and he's

3:55 going to turn around and tell a joke.

3:58 She was fun-loving.

3:59 Okay.

3:59 Okay.

4:01 I said Jim.

4:02 I miss you, wake.

4:04 No, she's in a coma.

4:09 No.

4:12 Okay.

4:13 Meredith.

4:19 Look at all your friends from the office, dear.

4:21 At the same time.

4:23 Yeah.

4:23 Hello, Meredith.

4:24 This is weird.

4:25 Brought you some balloons.

4:27 How do we Here you go.

4:30 Hang these up.

4:31 Cheer up your tubes.

4:32 Oh, Oh, for god's sake.

4:36 OKAY.

4:36 HOLD ON, MICHAEL.

4:37 I AM COMING.

4:39 WAIT THERE.

4:40 MICHAEL, WHY DON'T YOU CALL your girlfriend?

4:43 have a girlfriend.

4:44 But, you said you went out with her this weekend.

4:46 That was all made up.

4:46 Just someone come, okay?

4:48 Anyone.

4:49 Anyone but Dwight.

4:51 What's that?

4:52 What was that?

4:56 Oh.

4:57 No.

4:58 He hit the pole.

5:01 It's broken, right?

5:02 He can't Oh, my gosh.

5:03 Oh, Dwight.

5:05 Dwight.

5:06 Oh.

5:07 Oh, oh, my gosh.

5:09 Is he okay?

5:11 He's still driving.

5:13 Dwight.

5:15 You forgot your bumper.

5:17 Don't freak out.

5:18 I forbid anybody to freak out.

5:20 Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, god willing.

5:26 I just want to be treated normally today.

5:28 Normal would actually be good considering the trauma You

5:31 missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.

5:34 Oh, did you explain why?

5:37 No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.

5:39 Burn my foot, Pam.

5:42 You should put butter on it.

5:44 Ah, that's what she said.

5:46 See, I haven't lost my sense of humor.

5:47 No.

5:47 No need, it was a nonstick grill.

5:49 Please stop popping my cast.

5:52 Thank you.

5:55 So, where are you shipping your foot?

5:56 Ha-ha.

5:58 So, where are you shipping your foot?

6:06 Pam, messages, please.

6:08 You didn't have any.

6:09 Really?

6:10 Well, seemed very important to you earlier

6:14 that you needed to stay and Do my job?

6:17 No.

6:18 Your job is being my friend, PAM.

6:20 AND GOD.

6:22 IT SLIPPED.

6:23 WHAT SORRY.

6:25 MHM.

6:26 I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food.

6:30 You know how they say stuff a cold?

6:32 Well, I don't care what you got.

6:34 The flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken,

6:41 you can walk on the moon.

6:44 I had [clears throat] scoliosis as a girl.

6:46 Never heard of it.

6:47 No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble.

6:50 When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.

6:53 What How How old are you?

6:55 No, it The point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability.

7:04 Although, I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.

7:08 I'm not disabled and neither are you.

7:11 Okay.

7:12 What does this look like to you, Stanley?

7:16 Mailboxes, et cetera.

7:18 Shut Okay.

7:21 Well, well, you know what?

7:24 Disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about.

7:30 You people are jerks.

7:31 Oh.

7:32 Oh.

7:33 Okay, I think we need to take him

7:34 to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion.

7:38 Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.

7:40 He needs to go right now and you're his emergency contact.

7:43 I think you should go with him.

7:44 Why don't you go with him?

7:45 I barely know him.

7:46 Michael to take me.

7:47 Can't take you.

7:48 I don't have my car and yours is all vomity.

7:50 You can take my van.

7:51 Uh-oh, okay.

7:53 That's great.

7:54 No, I can't drive.

7:55 Jim, why don't you drive?

7:56 Fine.

7:56 We'll go.

7:57 I'm still recovering, so let's just Ryan, can you get my coat, please?

8:00 Slowly.

8:01 Okay, let's just get to the elevator.

8:03 What are you doing?

8:04 We're getting down the stairs.

8:05 Stop.

8:05 Stop.

8:05 Stop.

8:06 Stop.

8:06 Stop.

8:08 Tired.

8:09 Can't lay down.

8:10 break.

8:10 Wake up.

8:11 Wait, here.

8:12 Let me help you, Dwight.

8:13 Okay, Pam.

8:14 Get in.

8:14 Get up.

8:15 You need the bath.

8:15 Yeah.

8:16 Keep him awake.

8:17 Smells like chicken soup.

8:18 I know.

8:19 I have to go to the hospital.

8:20 I know.

8:21 Where are we going?

8:22 I just want to say goodbye, okay?

8:24 I'll be back.

8:24 I mean Yes, I know, but it's going to be different.

8:28 Why?

8:27 It's just hard to explain.

8:29 Oh, Pam, you're adorable.

8:33 goodness.

8:34 Come here.

8:35 Oh, I'll give you hugs.

8:37 Okay, come here.

8:38 Hug me.

8:39 Come here.

8:39 No, not you.

8:40 No.

8:41 God, Dwight.

8:42 Okay, I got it.

8:44 Why is there a camera?

8:45 Okay, let's go.

8:46 Now, this is the forklift.

8:51 You need You need a license to operate this machine.

8:54 That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it.

8:58 Quiz, Mike.

8:59 Should you drive the forklift?

9:01 I can and I have.

9:02 No, no, no, no, no, no.

9:03 I said, should you?

9:04 You should not drive it.

9:06 You should not drive the forklift.

9:07 You're not allowed to drive a forklift.

9:09 It's not safe.

9:10 You don't have a license.

9:11 Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift.

9:13 Pudge has driven the forklift.

9:17 Mantz.

9:16 I thought your name was Pudge.

9:17 No, it's always been Mantz.

9:20 Okay.

9:22 Um, her.

9:22 Her.

9:23 Yes, her is qualified to work the dangerous machine.

9:26 You are not.

9:28 Okay?

9:29 Huh?

9:29 Fine.

9:30 Do you understand that?

9:31 Yesh.

9:32 We do safety training every year or after an accident.

9:36 We've never made it a full year.

9:39 This particular time,

9:40 I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker,

9:45 who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled,

9:50 "Hey, Daryl, how's it hanging?" [laughter]

9:54 And I fell and busted my ankle and I'm legitimately scared for my workers.

9:59 The baler can flatten a car engine.

10:04 It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.

10:08 Yeah.

10:10 How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?

10:15 Baler?

10:15 I hardly know her.

10:16 Damn it, Michael.

10:17 Pay attention, man.

10:18 Anybody want to take a guess?

10:19 Five bucks says it's over 50.

10:21 You really want to bet?

10:22 Anybody?

10:23 Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.

10:25 How many Okay, you're 10 people, Michael.

10:29 10 people.

10:30 Would you like to be one of them?

10:32 No, don't worry about it.

10:33 I'll just go down there and do another You should work out, Ryan.

10:39 You look so hot.

10:40 Totally.

10:40 We should both work out.

10:42 Screw you.

10:42 Kelly, Ryan looks great.

10:44 You should be thankful that Sir, could you please please focus on Daryl?

10:49 Try.

10:50 These are very dangerous machines down here,

10:53 and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them.

10:58 Yes, yes.

10:59 But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

11:01 It would be the worst thing in the world.

11:02 It would.

11:03 Very much so.

11:04 It's a big red trash compactor, and it's very dangerous.

11:08 Disrespect the baler, MICHAEL.

11:09 YEAH, I GOT IT.

11:10 I GOT IT.

11:12 Only on the rarest of occasions would No, do not touch IT.

11:15 THERE IS NO OCCASION FOR YOU TO GO NEAR this stuff, okay?

11:17 Ready?

11:17 Let's do it.

11:18 Drop that sucker.

11:20 Yeah.

11:22 BINGO.

11:22 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

11:27 DEACTIVATE THE CAR ALARM, CLEAN UP THE MESS.

11:29 OKAY.

11:30 Find out whose car that is.

11:32 If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P.

11:33 Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

11:35 Got it.

11:36 Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.

11:38 We're not allowed to use the baler.

11:40 Have Patch do it, or the sea monster.

11:42 I'm on it.

11:46 Oh, yeah.

11:47 This is much better.

11:48 Safer.

11:50 Excellent decision.

11:51 Yes.

11:52 Thank you for saying that.

11:53 When you land, try and land like an 8-year-old.

11:56 These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

11:58 I don't know if I want to do this.

11:59 You want to do another test?

12:00 I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.

12:03 No.

12:03 No more.

12:04 The tests are going terrible.

12:05 If we keep doing it, we're not going to want to jump.

12:08 This is about doing, not thinking.

12:10 Right.

12:11 Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle.

12:16 You can't do that, cuz you're going to get horribly horribly injured.

12:19 Michael, you cannot fly.

12:21 You cannot.

12:22 I have seen this too many times.

12:24 Give me that thing.

12:24 I want to try it.

12:25 Oh, you know what?

12:25 We should probably preserve the baler.

12:27 I was just going to say that you have a cute butt.

12:30 Oh my god, did I just say that?

12:31 Did I just say that?

12:31 Did I just say that?

12:32 Oh my god, I'm so adorable.

12:34 Dwight, I know this is bad timing.

12:36 I don't want to be an ass,

12:36 but there's stuff he has to sign that needs to be mailed by 4:00.

12:39 Okay, if he's not down by 4:00, I'll get the papers up to him.

12:42 Okay, it's 3:48.

12:43 Hey, Ryan, you know what?

12:44 You can do this.

12:46 Uh no, I have no training on this kind of thing.

12:47 Don't play dumb.

12:48 You know damn well what we talking about.

12:51 Listen to you.

12:55 Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career.

13:02 I will miss you the most, Ryan.

13:03 Oh, what is your deal, man?

13:04 Seriously, I don't get it.

13:06 Let me borrow that, Chief.

13:10 Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.

13:15 So don't jump just to prove anything to us.

13:20 Okay?

13:21 That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump.

13:25 Well, up to you.

13:27 If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky.

13:31 Okay, careful.

13:32 AND GRAB A STAR.

13:43 [screaming] OH MY GOD.

13:50 ATTENTION, EMPLOYEES [screaming] OF DUNDER MIFFLIN.

13:55 THIS HAS BEEN A TEST OF OUR EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS.

13:58 There is no fire.

13:59 It was only a simulation.

14:01 What?

14:01 Fire, not real.

14:03 This was merely a training exercise.

14:06 So, what have we learned?

14:09 Oh, come on.

14:10 It's not real, Stanley.

14:11 Don't have a heart attack.

14:14 Stanley, STANLEY, YOU WILL NOT DIE.

14:17 STANLEY, STANLEY, BARACK IS PRESIDENT.

14:20 YOU ARE BLACK, STANLEY.

14:21 [screaming] I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.

14:22 NO, NO, NO.

14:23 Don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this.

14:24 You need to swallow it.

14:25 OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

14:27 SWALLOW.

14:27 DON'T SWALLOW IT.

14:29 I'M ALL RIGHT.

14:30 LEAVE ME ALONE.

14:32 SAVE HIM.

14:35 DON'T EXCITE HIM.

14:37 DON'T MAKE HIM EXCITABLE.

14:42 Welcome back, Stanley.

14:43 Thank you, Michael.

14:45 It's true, around this office in the past,

14:48 I have been a little abrupt with people.

14:50 Not maybe.

14:51 Yes or no.

14:52 No way.

14:52 Uh-uh.

14:52 Are you from another planet?

14:54 Boy, have you lost your mind, cuz I'll help you find it.

14:57 Did I stutter?

14:58 I'm done.

14:58 Goodbye.

15:01 But the doctor said if I can't find a new way

15:04 to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.

15:08 Well, Stanley, we have turned this office into an intensive care unit.

15:13 You have no idea how intensively we care.

15:16 And today, your only job is to get better.

15:20 Oh, and also, um expense reports are apparently due from last week.

15:25 So, if you want to be reimbursed.

15:27 Welcome back.

15:29 Welcome back, Stanley.

15:30 Nice and gentle.

15:32 Hi, Stanley.

15:34 Come on.

15:35 You're crushing his heart.

15:36 You're going to kill him.

15:36 You're going to kill him.

15:38 Andy.

15:39 A throne for your highness.

15:43 I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.

15:44 No, no, no.

15:45 No debate.

15:45 You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.

15:50 I'm water dying.

15:52 So, Stanley dog, I have made for you a mix

15:57 of all my favorite Enya songs sung by me.

16:01 That is lovely.

16:03 Want to hear it?

16:05 Welcome back.

16:08 Hey, Stanley, let me know when you need to go to the bathroom.

16:12 What?

16:13 Michael will be your bathroom buddy,

16:14 so that you don't have a heart attack on the the like crapper.

16:20 I can go to the bathroom by myself.

16:22 Oh, well.

16:24 Great.

16:25 Right?

16:30 Well, then maybe I'll just go with you so we can talk about stuff.

16:35 Thank you.

16:42 Oh my god.

16:43 My god.

16:44 Oh my god.

16:45 Stanley.

16:46 STANLEY.

16:48 STANLEY.

16:49 OH MY GOD.

16:49 [screaming] DAMN IT, MICHAEL.

16:51 I WAS SLEEPING.

16:53 WOW.

16:53 [laughter] WOW, WOW.

16:56 YOU LOOK like you're dead when you sleep.

16:58 Oh.

16:59 Okay.

17:01 Wow.

17:02 Oh.

17:04 Glad to have you back.

17:06 [laughter] Okay.

17:07 Okay.

17:09 We're all right.

17:10 We're all right.

17:11 Woo.

17:47 Oh my god.

17:52 I recognize that.

17:54 That is Japanese for California roll.

17:57 Uh no, it's not.

17:58 I think it is.

17:58 A guy told me about that.

17:59 Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.

18:01 Sir, your shoes.

18:03 Yes.

18:04 You're going to have to take them off.

18:04 It's a sign of respect.

18:06 Oh.

18:08 Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes,

18:11 it would be a sign of disrespect.

18:14 Stinky feet veil.

18:15 Kind of a yin yang.

18:20 Oh, stretching.

18:22 I like to SAY TIGHT, COMPACT.

18:26 [screaming] HERE'S YOUR GEAR.

18:28 PLEASE PUT THIS ON.

18:29 DO YOU HAVE UH DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING in like black?

18:33 No, just white.

18:34 All right.

18:34 Wow, that is really interesting.

18:36 What?

18:37 Your love I'm just kidding.

18:38 I can't see anything.

18:40 [laughter] Look closer.

18:42 Okay.

18:43 for me.

18:43 Tied up.

18:44 Oh, you're dead.

18:45 What?

18:45 What are you going to do?

18:46 Bring it, Beasley.

18:46 Bring it.

18:47 Ooh, yeah.

18:48 The move.

18:49 Ooh, not such an ultimate fighter now, [laughter] huh?

18:54 OH MY GOD.

18:55 HEY, PUT me down.

18:56 Hey.

19:21 You ready?

19:22 Okay, gentlemen, listen up.

19:24 After a clean strike to the chest, stomach,

19:27 or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point.

19:30 First person to three wins, all right?

19:31 Yes, Sensei.

19:32 A lot of rules.

19:33 A lot of rules.

19:33 On the street, we didn't have any rules.

19:35 Maybe one.

19:36 No kicks to the groin.

19:37 Home for dinner.

19:39 Hi, Sensei.

19:39 Hi, Dwight.

19:41 That's Alyssa, my senpai.

19:43 She just qualified for regionals.

19:44 Oss.

19:47 Alyssa?

19:48 I guess she's technically the senpai, but nobody really respects her.

19:53 The only reason she got into regionals was

19:55 because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls.

19:59 Put me in that division.

20:00 Let's see how SHE DOES.

20:03 SUBMIT.

20:06 [screaming] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

20:06 DWIGHT.

20:07 YES, NO WAY.

20:08 OKAY.

20:09 EAT IT.

20:09 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO DO IT.

20:11 PLAY DIRTY, HUH?

20:12 OKAY, GAME ON, MAN.

20:14 Sweep the leg.

20:15 Yeah, I'm coming at you, man.

20:23 Okay, purple belt.

20:24 Okay.

20:25 I've got it.

20:26 No, I got his pants.

20:27 Those are my pants.

20:29 No points for pants.

20:31 Dwight, you have No, look.

20:33 No, you have something You have something God, you look LIKE AN IDIOT.

20:39 [screaming] COME ON.

21:05 GATE OF STEEL, YOU CANNOT PENETRATE.

21:11 [laughter] OH, NICE TRY.

21:16 CLEAN TAKING DOWN.

21:16 COME ON, DO THAT AGAIN.

21:18 DO THAT AGAIN.

21:18 I DARE YOU.

21:21 OKAY, BREAK.

21:23 BREAK.

21:24 BUT YOU CAN'T SEE.

21:25 YOU CAN'T SEE.

21:27 ONE POINT.

21:27 [screaming] TWO POINTS.

21:28 THREE POINTS.

21:29 AND BREAK.

21:30 FOUR POINTS.

21:30 OW.

21:31 I WIN.

21:32 I WIN.

21:33 OH.

21:34 YEAH.

21:34 NO, YOU CAN'T.

21:36 NO.

21:37 EIGHT POINTS.

21:38 NINE POINTS.

21:41 STOP IT.

21:41 NO.

21:42 COME ON.

21:44 MICHAEL.

21:44 OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

21:45 NO, MICHAEL.

22:02 YOU TALKING TO ME?

22:04 YOU TALKING TO ME?

22:06 Raging Bull, Pacino.

22:08 Oh, I want that footage.

22:09 I want it.

22:10 I need it.

22:12 WHERE ARE [screaming] YOU?

22:14 LET'S DO THIS THING.

22:18 COME ON.

22:19 COME ON OUT.

22:21 I can't believe they're going to fight over me.

22:23 I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.

22:27 My favorite kind of movie is when two

22:29 guys are fighting over the love of a woman.

22:31 I also like those movies where everyone's pretending to be

22:33 really classy cuz it's Victorian times and they're wearing corsets,

22:36 but really they're just horny.

22:37 Keira Knightley is so skinny.

22:40 Afraid?

22:41 Afraid of this?

22:45 If Jim didn't want me to have a weapon,

22:47 he would have gotten rid of all the bikes.

22:51 Come on.

22:51 Hey, has anything happened yet?

22:53 Where are you?

22:54 It's 4:10.

22:55 I don't think he's going to show.

22:56 Oh, come on, man.

22:57 Believe in something.

22:59 COME ON, COWARD.

23:01 IS THE FLAG OF THE HOUSE OF BERNARD FLY YELLOW?

23:06 IT IS said that human beings have a fight or flight response.

23:09 Not true of the Schrutes.

23:11 With us, it's fight or fight.

23:15 Only my great uncle Helmut had a flight response.

23:18 In 1898, he disappeared into the woods.

23:20 In 1902, he emerged with a small plane.

23:23 It was a basic glider cobbled together with a spruce propeller and wings

23:27 from a plane another man was working on, but it was capable of 3-minute flights.

23:31 After three 3-minute flights,

23:34 he landed in a town 9 minutes away and was immediately

23:38 beaten to death because he had landed on a little girl.

23:41 WHERE ARE YOU?

23:42 [screaming] WHAT?

23:52 ON THE DESK OF ANDREW BERNARD.

23:55 A NOTE.

23:57 PATHETIC.

23:58 Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note.

24:02 How are you?

24:02 I am well.

24:03 You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note.

24:06 It's come to my attention that in any physical match with you,

24:08 I would surely be bested.

24:10 True.

24:11 The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly.

24:15 There's Andy, he's in his car.

24:18 You guys, what is he doing?

24:19 Why is he Why Why turning around?

24:21 The Prius is silent if he keeps it under 5 mph.

24:24 He deserves the win.

24:26 Alas, after much consideration and the Oh my god.

24:29 What's happening?

24:30 Andy's running over Dwight with his car.

24:32 Whoa.

24:33 WHAT ARE YOU HEY.

24:35 HEY.

24:35 YEAH.

24:36 OH.

24:37 COME ON.

24:38 OW.

24:39 OH MY GOD.

24:42 [screaming] YOU GIVE UP?

24:42 NEVER.

24:43 GET OUT AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN.

24:45 I AM A MAN.

24:46 I'M A BIGGER MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

24:48 I would never sleep with ANOTHER MAN'S FIANCE.

24:50 YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

24:51 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HER.

24:54 ALL YOU DO IS DRESS FANCY AND SING "LALALA".

24:58 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

24:59 YOU CAN'T EVEN PROTECT HER.

25:01 Protect her from what?

25:02 Bears, you idiot?

25:03 When's the last time you saw a damn BEAR IN SCRANTON?

25:06 LAST YEAR, IDIOT.

25:08 DWIGHT.

25:09 Are your legs broken?

25:10 No, my right one's falling asleep a little bit.

25:13 Andy, you all right?

25:13 Go away, Tuna.

25:14 I'm winning this.

25:18 Yeah, back off.

25:19 THIS ISN'T YOUR FIGHT.

25:20 OH.

25:21 WHAT?

25:21 TRUST FUND WHAT DID YOU SAY?

25:24 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

25:25 I said What?

25:27 You stupid idiot.

25:29 You're like a You're like a Sasquatch.

25:31 You live IN THE WOODS.

25:32 SASQUATCH IS THE STRONGEST ANIMAL ON THE PLANET.

25:35 So fine, call me a Sasquatch.

25:37 I DON'T GET IT.

25:38 HOW COULD she be sleeping with you this whole time only sleep with me twice?

25:42 What?

25:43 What?

25:45 She's sleeping with you?

25:46 I'm her fiance.

25:49 She She was only sleeping with me.

26:00 So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.

26:04 Okay.

26:05 Let me see if I have a cell.

26:07 Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan, or does somebody miss me?

26:13 Michael.

26:12 Ed died over the weekend.

26:16 Oh, wow.

26:18 Yeah.

26:18 And And I know I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know.

26:23 Does his family know?

26:25 Yes, they know, Michael.

26:27 But I'm the first in the office.

26:30 I guess.

26:31 Yes.

26:33 I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement

26:35 to your team in case they want to pay their respects.

26:38 Okay.

26:39 Yes, sure.

26:40 I will do that.

26:41 Cuz I am the first to find out.

26:43 Nobody else knows, and it is my responsibility to tell them.

26:47 Well, good.

26:49 How are you holding up?

26:50 Want me to come over?

26:55 Attention, everybody.

26:57 I just received a call from corporate with some

26:59 news that they felt that I should know first.

27:03 My old boss, Ed Truck, has died.

27:07 Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news.

27:09 You must feel so sad.

27:12 Yes, I am.

27:14 It's very sad.

27:16 Because he was my boss.

27:19 Oh, that's a shame.

27:20 Ed was a good guy.

27:21 That's right.

27:22 You worked with him.

27:23 So did Creed.

27:25 Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by cheer me up.

27:42 So, did you hear the news?

27:43 The news that you just announced that Ed died?

27:47 Is there anything I can do?

27:48 Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really?

27:52 He was almost 70.

27:53 Circle of life.

27:56 Yeah.

28:01 Oh.

28:02 Okay.

28:06 Yeah.

28:11 Okay.

28:13 Ed Truck died.

28:15 And it blows.

28:18 They say that with grief, time makes it worse.

28:21 Which is bad for me because I found out before anybody.

28:24 So, I've had more time to be sad.

28:26 It's a real shame about it, huh?

28:28 Yeah.

28:29 Must really have you thinking.

28:31 About what?

28:32 The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're going to die.

28:35 You knew that.

28:36 Ed was decapitated.

28:38 What?

28:39 Really?

28:40 He was drunk as a skunk.

28:41 He was flying down Route 6.

28:43 He slides under an 18-wheeler.

28:45 Pop, it snaps right off.

28:46 Oh my god.

28:48 That is the way to go.

28:50 Instant death.

28:51 Very smart.

28:53 You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.

28:57 You thinking I'm a chicken?

28:59 What did I say?

29:01 That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go.

29:03 I'm sorry.

29:05 Alone, out of the blue.

29:07 Not even have his own head to comfort him.

29:10 So, [clears throat] I'm not exactly sure how to say this.

29:14 Ed was decapitated.

29:16 doing?

29:16 You said you didn't know how to say it.

29:20 He was driving on the road and he went under a truck.

29:25 And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him.

29:33 I will let you know more as soon as I find out.

29:41 [music] Um You see how comfortable I don't Um I'm taking a bath.

29:56 Okay.