Parks and Rec Moments to WATCH While You Eat

0:00 Thank you all for being here.

0:02 Let's get started.

0:04 Wow, great attitude, Ron.

0:07 Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.

0:10 Okay, so the Valentine's Day dance is planned, prepped, and under budget.

0:14 Hey, what did you bring?

0:16 I was in charge of the cake.

0:18 To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf.

0:20 You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach,

0:23 and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.

0:25 But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?

0:29 No, a cake.

0:30 But this is so much healthier.

0:31 So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.

0:37 Ron.

0:37 Yep.

0:43 [clears throat] This couldn't have worked out any better.

0:54 There was a guy eating lunch in here didn't finish his spaghetti.

0:57 Oh, also, Tom and Lucy, you're totally going to fall in love.

1:01 Five-second rule.

1:02 Chris and I have been talking, and we are thinking very seriously about leaving

1:07 Pawnee and moving somewhere else to start our family.

1:11 Oh my god, look at that.

1:12 It's waffles.

1:14 Delicious waffles.

1:16 Should we try?

1:17 Yeah, let's try.

1:20 Huh?

1:19 Wait, what were you saying?

1:20 Try.

1:22 Just enjoy.

1:22 Yeah, there we go.

1:25 Is this all the eggs we have?

1:28 Yes.

1:29 What are you making?

1:31 Eggs.

1:36 This isn't a steak.

1:38 Why would you call it that on your menu?

1:40 I don't know what to tell you, man.

1:44 Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

1:48 Wait.

1:48 Wait.

1:49 I worry what you just heard was,

1:51 "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was,

1:55 "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

1:59 Do you understand?

2:04 Is that bacon on your turkey leg?

2:06 They call it a Swanson.

2:12 [cheering] Wow.

2:11 And seal the edges by crimping the fork.

2:16 Ah, crap.

2:18 Ben!

2:19 What's up, Chris?

2:19 Come on in, man.

2:20 I already did.

2:21 So, uh how you been?

2:23 How you doing?

2:23 How are you?

2:24 Great, actually.

2:25 I'm just learning how to make a calzone,

2:27 and uh or as you Americans like to say, calzones.

2:33 Do you want one?

2:33 No, I find calzone fatty and unnecessary.

2:38 So, Ben, why calzone?

2:41 Glad you asked, Chris.

2:43 You know, there's fast food hamburgers, there's fast food Mexican,

2:46 there's fast food Chinese, blah, blah, blah.

2:48 Have you ever wondered why there isn't a fast food option for Italian food?

2:52 What about pizza?

2:53 Pizza?

2:54 Never heard of it.

2:56 That's what people will be saying in 20 years, because pizza is old news, Chris.

2:59 Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.

3:03 Never thought of it that way.

3:04 What I'm talking about is a portable, delicious meal that is its own container.

3:08 It's a whole new spin on Italian fast casual dining.

3:11 Amazing.

3:12 And you of all people will like this.

3:15 I'm going to use low-fat ingredients.

3:16 Game changer.

3:17 And I will call my new Italian fast casual eatery the low-cal calzone.

3:23 Zone.

3:25 That idea is literally the greatest idea I have ever heard in my life.

3:29 That idea is terrible.

3:31 New dish we're working on.

3:32 Tell me what you think.

3:34 It's a red and white heirloom red bean pasta with an imported

3:37 Tuscan walnut herb sauce infused with shaved heritage pecorino romano.

3:42 What?

3:42 You're done?

3:42 Mhm.

3:44 Really good.

3:44 Why are you doing new dishes?

3:45 I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting

3:49 kicked in the nuggets with a steel toe boot.

3:52 But, this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp.

3:56 That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.

4:00 I go to a banquet in honor

4:01 of those Somali pirates if they serve bacon-wrapped shrimp.

4:04 Excuse me.

4:06 Bacon-wrapped shrimp.

4:07 Oh, thanks.

4:08 I'm okay.

4:09 I wasn't offering.

4:10 What are those shrimp?

4:11 Ah.

4:12 Okay.

4:13 Rethink that move, son.

4:15 Sup, fart wads?

4:17 Are you eating a paunch burger?

4:19 Well, you know what?

4:20 If you can't beat them, join them.

4:22 I mean, I've been boycotting them ever since

4:23 Pinewood and her goons started this whole recall business,

4:26 but who cares now, right?

4:28 What does it matter?

4:29 Nothing matters anymore.

4:31 Mhm.

4:31 Oh my god, this is so good.

4:33 This is really good.

4:35 Why did I ever fight this?

4:36 If it isn't Mr.

4:37 Best Man and Bachelor Boy.

4:39 And Perkins, Maid of Honor, are you ready for the bachelorette party?

4:42 Uh more than ready.

4:43 We've got dancing, Jell-O shots, private karaoke,

4:47 and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.

4:50 [screaming] As Leslie's maid of honor,

4:54 I really need her bachelorette party to go well,

4:57 which is why I'm stress eating gummy penises.

5:03 And one number eight.

5:06 All right, party time.

5:07 I would suggest sticking around and watching him eat it

5:09 cuz it only takes 4 minutes and it's pretty amazing.

5:12 This will not be necessary.

5:15 Mhm.

5:17 Thank you, darling.

5:18 Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?

5:21 People are idiots, Leslie.

5:27 Mhm.

5:29 Oh, yeah.

5:31 10 bucks.

5:32 That comes with my lottery.

5:34 Okay, now, is this the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich ever made?

5:39 Mhm, it's pretty awesome.

5:42 Honey, my bucket list doesn't say make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich.

5:46 Got to go back to the store.

5:47 We're going to get a different kind OF CHEESE.

5:48 NO, NO.

5:48 DUDE, SERIOUSLY.

5:49 This is the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich ever made.

5:51 Okay?

5:52 Okay.

5:53 What's next?

5:55 What's this?

5:56 Dragon fruit.

5:58 What's this?

6:00 Kiwano or horned melon.

6:02 What's this?

6:04 A peach.

6:06 I knew that.

6:08 Wow.

6:09 Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food.

6:13 What's your favorite food?

6:14 Well, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starburst.

6:18 You know what I call it?

6:19 Skittle sandwich.

6:20 That's pretty good.

6:22 No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

6:24 It's nice because the the flavor of the Starburst

6:29 really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

6:36 Dinner is served.

6:38 Excellent.

6:41 The first course is a Mexican bean soup.

6:47 Are these peppers for consuming?

6:49 Uh I wouldn't.

6:50 They're very hot.

6:52 I'm going to give it a try.

6:55 Mhm.

6:56 Hot.

6:57 You're very brave.

6:59 Please.

6:59 That was one of the tiny ones.

7:01 This is how you [singing] eat it.

7:03 Don't do that, Tom.

7:11 Great news, guys.

7:12 I just saved your bacon.

7:13 Impossible.

7:14 You don't even know where it is.

7:22 I didn't think so.

7:24 Daisy, Annabelle, Lily, Olive, Rosemary, chicken, 50 burritos.

7:30 Oh my god, I'm starving.

7:31 Miss, hi.

7:32 I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy.

7:34 So, if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds,

7:36 I'm going to plunge your face into the deep fryer.

7:40 And also, two waters, please, but hurry.

7:43 Thank you.

7:44 I would be thrilled if we had a boy.

7:46 I have perfected the art of shaving the human face,

7:49 and I would love to be able to pass that on.

7:51 Toy trucks, superhero costumes, tiny little acorn penis, forget it.

7:55 A weird image, but one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.

7:59 Will and Perkins, are you ready to find out the sex of our baby?

8:03 I'm ready.

8:04 We are having a distributions.

8:09 That's what it looks like.

8:10 distributions Let me see that.

8:12 It says congratulations, I think.

8:14 Then it says, "I leg smurf." Are we having a smurf?

8:18 We are having a 11 jewel toilet.

8:22 I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation.

8:24 The suspense is killing me.

8:26 Dr.

8:26 Saperstein.

8:27 I'm calling Domino's.

8:28 Do you think Domino's delivers to this restaurant?

8:30 I hope so.

8:30 Oh, no.

8:31 He's out for the rest of the day.

8:33 I have literally never been more stressed out.

8:37 Can I read you some of these quotes?

8:39 Be my guest.

8:40 Um, the Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit.

8:45 Well, until it turns into a park.

8:48 Yes, I agree.

8:51 Um, hey, you should write an article on unicorns

8:54 because they're more likely to exist than this park.

8:56 Oh, really?

8:57 Tell that to a 14-year-old girl.

8:58 Um, you should write an article on the Pope getting

9:01 married because that's more likely to happen than this park.

9:04 There are some countries where the Pope can be married.

9:06 You should write an article on talking monkeys.

9:09 Really?

9:09 Have you seen the Wizard of Oz?

9:10 You should write an article about leprechauns.

9:12 Leprechauns exist?

9:13 You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky.

9:16 you write an article about that?

9:17 That's This one is just no.

9:21 Um, this park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen.

9:29 May I ask who said that?

9:31 Uh, Mark Brendanawicz.

9:36 What are you eating?

9:37 I call this turf and turf.

9:39 It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse.

9:43 Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you.

9:45 They have the most insane burritos.

9:47 I don't much go for ethnic food.

9:49 I know.

9:49 Trust me.

9:50 They have one that's called the meat tornado.

9:53 Literally killed a guy last year.

9:55 You had me at meat tornado.

10:01 Björn Gustafsson was a sixth-round pick.

10:05 Colly was a fourth round.

10:07 Indianapolis Colts know how to draft so well.

10:10 They really do.

10:12 Andy, this was delicious.

10:15 It's awesome, huh?

10:16 It's a whole new meat delivery system.

10:19 Thank you, son.

10:21 Okay, well, don't be such a baby.

10:22 I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.

10:25 I ate it already.

10:26 What?

10:27 I could smell it in your purse before even parked my car.

10:29 And now it's gone and I hate everything.

10:35 I humbly place before you my East Meets West patented Traeger turkey burger,

10:39 an Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey,

10:43 a toasted Taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney,

10:46 black truffle aioli, and microgreens on a gluten-free brioche bun.

10:50 Enjoy.

10:51 Mhm.

10:52 This tastes as delicious as Beyoncé smells.

10:54 Mhm.

10:55 I'm guessing.

10:56 What is this in here?

10:57 Saffron?

10:58 Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.

11:00 I love the umami flavor.

11:02 Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.

11:04 Sorry.

11:05 Here's mine.

11:06 It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing.

11:11 Add ketchup if you want.

11:13 I couldn't care less.

11:16 Ron, I'm so disappointed.

11:18 I thought that you and I were going to have a real challenge.

11:21 No, mine is better.

11:22 Way better.

11:23 Mhm.

11:24 Yep.

11:24 Mhm.

11:26 Kyle, sorry, Andy.

11:27 Ron's is better.

11:28 Damn it, Kyle.

11:30 Mhm.

11:31 Oh my god, it's so much better, it's crazy.

11:34 Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.

11:36 Sorry.

11:38 I I don't understand.

11:39 I I I've tinkered with this recipe for years.

11:42 Granted, it's been a long time since I've had hamburger.

11:52 This is better.

11:53 The commissary will continue to serve horrifying, ARTERY-CLOGGING HAMBURGER.

11:59 [cheering] OH, HEY.

12:00 HEY THERE.

12:01 I GOT YOU uh some waffles here,

12:03 courtesy of JJ's Diner and chicken soup, courtesy of me.

12:07 the waffles.

12:08 Thank you.

12:12 So, how did the rest of the meeting go?

12:13 Um well, you said you needed 80 total businesses to participate.

12:18 Yeah.

12:19 We have 110.

12:21 And counting.

12:22 So, uh nice work, Leslie.

12:24 Nice work to you, too.

12:26 Oh, uh left the chicken soup there just in case.

12:29 It's a old family recipe.

12:31 It's not a big deal, but Thank you for that.

12:35 Okay.

12:40 Coffee in the morning.

12:42 OH, MY GOD.

12:46 I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

12:47 WE DECIDED TO THROW A pizza party to say congrats for cracking the case.

12:51 Oh my god, you guys.

12:53 See what we got here.

12:56 [laughter] Wait a second, that's not pizza.

12:57 THOSE ARE CALZONES.

12:59 I LOVE CALZONES.

13:00 WE KNOW.

13:02 I THINK IT'S safe to say I made the right choice.

13:06 WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

13:08 [cheering] MY PLAN FOR LOT 48 IS SIMPLE.

13:12 But why read it when you can shove it right in your face.

13:16 I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger.

13:18 Here's why.

13:19 We make money, they make money.

13:20 They make burgers, we eat burgers.

13:23 That's a win win win win.

13:26 Presentation over, jam out.

13:28 Oh, man.

13:29 Are there curly fries?

13:30 I love their curly fries.

13:31 Ann.

13:32 Well, the planning commission has a week to decide if they want a beautiful,

13:35 innovative community park or a bunch of greasy lard bombs.

13:39 I'm not editorializing.

13:41 Ponchburger's number one selling burger is the greasy lard bomb.

13:45 This is the amount of sugar that the average

13:47 Pawnee 10-year-old consumes from soda every month.

13:50 That is gross.

13:52 Gross.

13:52 All that sugar?

13:53 It's really gross.

13:54 What a powerful image.

13:55 What are you doing?

13:55 What did you put in the sugar?

13:56 It's so good.

13:57 My first act as a city councilwoman,

13:59 I've proposed a tax on all those giant sugary

14:02 sodas so we can discourage people from drinking them.

14:04 I believe with my help all local restaurants can get healthier.

14:07 Ponchburger, Big 'n Wide, the Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough,

14:12 which was formerly Sue's Salads until we ran that out of town.

14:17 Ah, councilwoman, in honor of your never-ending quest

14:21 to personally babysit each and every American citizen,

14:24 I went to Ponchburger and got myself a number two:

14:27 double bacon grenade deluxe, hash browns,

14:29 chili cheese fries, and one poached egg.

14:33 Number two is right.

14:34 I also picked up a 64-oz Sweetums Sugar Splash.

14:37 Damn it, I love this country so much.

14:39 Ron, this homemade bulgogi is so delicious, Kayla.

14:43 This is the best Korean food I've ever had.

14:45 I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can.

14:49 Right, Ron?

14:51 I'm trying to teach my boys about rationing food,

14:54 and your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.

14:59 Chicken soup for the soul of 2011.

15:03 Oh, lord.

15:04 Is he eating soup on a bench alone?

15:08 Tom.

15:10 Fine.

15:13 Come on, rubber band.

15:14 Come with us.

15:15 What?

15:15 What are you No arguing.

15:17 And no soup on the bench.

15:18 Get in.

15:19 What?

15:20 What?

15:21 What is happening right now?

15:23 Romantic reunions, government meetings, self-guided museum tours.

15:27 I mean, am I living the dream?

15:29 I don't know.

15:30 Did I also just walk past a food truck and buy myself a waffle sundae?

15:34 Yes.

15:36 Mhm.

15:36 I love me a calzone.

15:38 And going crazy.

15:40 First, they won't let me work at the parks department.

15:41 Now, they won't let me campaign either.

15:43 All I want to do is improve our town, and they won't let me do that.

15:46 You're putting an awful lot of sugar on your pasta.

15:49 This is just sugar.

15:50 Okay, I need you to distract me.

15:51 Talk to me about something, anything.

15:53 Well, that accounting firm is going to make me a job offer.

15:55 Oh, yeah?

15:55 That's great.

15:56 Are you going to take it?

15:57 Well, it pays well.

15:59 The commute is a little long, but that's okay.

16:02 I don't love the carpeting, but yeah.

16:07 You know what I think?

16:08 If you don't love it, take a month.

16:11 See what else is out there.

16:13 Yeah.

16:14 Yeah, and you know, you can still improve the city.

16:16 You can't work right now or run a campaign, do it as a private citizen.

16:20 Oh my god, I'll form a citizen action committee.

16:23 I'll lobby from the outside.

16:24 I'll harness the power of the community.

16:26 God, I finally have some work to do.

16:28 Thank you so much for dinner, honey.

16:29 Oh.

16:31 I can hear you breathing, and yes, you can finish your pasta.

16:38 Thank god, I'm so hungry.

16:41 Mhm, tastes like Fruit Loops.

16:43 Look.

16:44 Cucumber flower.

16:45 Well, that's so cute.

16:48 Wait, that's a garnish.

16:49 You're not supposed to eat that.

16:50 Why?

16:50 All my favorite foods have butter on them.

16:52 Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes.

16:57 [gasps] Butter is my favorite food.

16:58 Dry toast and half a grapefruit for Chris.

17:02 Thank you.

17:02 Egg whites for Ben, egg whites for Tom,

17:06 and pretty much everything we make for Ron.

17:10 And don't you go sneaking off.

17:11 I'm sending home some free waffles for Leslie.

17:14 Thanks, JJ.

17:15 You're the best.

17:16 Ron, would you like some salad?

17:17 Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.

17:20 Try it.

17:21 Sounds good to you.

17:22 You got it.

17:25 Mhm, delicious.

17:27 Holy cow.

17:28 [clears throat] Yeah.

17:29 Wow.

17:30 That is good stuff.

17:31 Great, right?

17:32 god, they're amazing.

17:33 They're more than amazing.

17:34 They are terrific.

17:35 Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry.

17:37 No, or it's not less.

17:39 Everything Sweetums makes is off the charts.

17:42 I like their candy fingernails.

17:44 Can't believe it's sugar-free Well, it's not that crazy.

17:46 Crackle bars also healthy and delicious.

17:48 No, they're not.

17:50 They have They They actually have rice in them, so.

17:53 Mhm, Andy.

17:55 They're fine, but they're simple.

17:58 There's so much free food at this party, honey.

18:01 I love politics.

18:02 Look, I made a shrimp claw.

18:04 I'm really proud of you, babe.

18:06 I'll put your used plate in my purse.

18:07 I almost have a complete set.

18:08 Really?

18:09 Oh my god, you're so smart.

18:10 I made a marshmallow Ron Swanson.

18:15 His arms are crossed because he's mad

18:16 at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him.

18:19 You like it?

18:21 It's fine.

18:22 When I was trying to decide how to decorate my office,

18:25 I had to ask myself, what kind of candy should I choose?

18:28 Obviously, chocolate, cuz I'm sweet, smooth, and the ladies love me.

18:32 Now, the question still remained, what kind of chocolate am I?

18:35 Do I have a little gooey caramel center?

18:38 Am I filled with little rice crispies?

18:40 Maybe I'm white chocolate and I'm bucking all the stereotypes.

18:43 damn candy out.

18:44 Ultimately, I decided to go with the little gourmet fudge.

18:48 I didn't have time to make it into anything,

18:50 and please don't eat it cuz it cost $55 an oz.

18:52 So, I made my desk out of silver M&M's,

18:56 but they do not make silver M&M's, so I spray painted them.

18:59 Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.

19:01 Yeah, duh.

19:03 Go throw up.

19:04 I didn't eat any.

19:04 Go throw up.

19:08 Some of them [singing] want to use you.

19:11 Some of them Clipboard Mouth, Clipboard mouth.

19:15 There's some secret ingredient in these NutriYum bars that make me feel so good.

19:19 Sugar.

19:20 It's a block of sugar.

19:23 Councilman, I'd like to talk to you about the Fun in the Sun Bill,

19:26 and I don't mean to rush you, but the vote is in an hour.

19:28 When I'm done eating, we'll talk.

19:30 I've eaten the same lunch for 58 years.

19:34 Caesar salad, extra dressing, extra croutons, and extra anchovies.

19:41 Mhm.

19:42 Try it.

19:43 It's an aphrodisiac.

19:46 You two, my strange foreign friends.

19:49 No, thank you.

19:50 Tom, eat some.

19:51 I'm not eating racist salad.

19:53 The more we eat, the faster we talk.

20:01 Mhm.

20:02 You can really taste the ignorance.

20:04 It's pronounced anchovies.

20:08 [music] We know what you want.

20:08 Healthy, natural food that still tastes great.

20:11 And we're here to tell you, it doesn't exist.

20:15 Healthy food is for suckers.

20:17 It tastes like garbage, [music] and if you say you like it,

20:19 you're a chump and a liar.

20:21 Be honest, this is what you want to eat.

20:23 The Paunch Burger Dinner for Breakfast Burger Combo.

20:26 It tastes amazing.

20:27 What's in it?

20:28 Who cares?

20:29 How many calories?

20:30 Shut up.

20:31 It's awesome.

20:33 Put it in your body or you're a nerd.

20:38 Hey, Ron.

20:39 Thanks for coming, man.

20:40 Of course.

20:41 This bowling alley has my favorite restaurant in Pawnee.

20:50 Really?

20:50 You're not scared to eat here?

20:52 When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

20:56 Why are you sitting weird?

20:57 Damn it.

20:58 There is no food definer.

21:01 For Leslie, that means whipped cream or No, it's whipped cream.

21:06 We're going to look in the whipped cream cans.

21:08 Oh, got some.

21:16 Nothing yet.

21:19 Okay, something wicked this way comes once you peruse a book with your thumbs.

21:24 Go to the one who succumbs I'll be attached with a little gum.

21:28 Leslie, give me a break.

21:29 I hate riddles and other such nonsense.

21:32 I want that on the record.

21:34 But something wicked with a book is my ex-wife from the library,

21:39 which means I'm the one that succumbs.

21:41 Uh I'll be attached with a little gum.

21:43 Good god, that woman is good.

21:46 Follow me to the sheltered snow, only 22 clues left to go.

21:53 22?

21:53 Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love.

21:56 Well, I guess there's nothing to do

21:57 but spend the entire night methodically solving this puzzle.

22:00 There's no way we're finishing time.

22:02 Okay, I'll just make a list of places she and I've

22:04 been together and hope we luck out and find the last clue.

22:07 We'll split up, cover more ground.

22:09 Move.

22:12 I hate salad.

22:13 Leslie What's that?

22:18 Well, since I can't give her waffle iron for breakfast day,

22:20 I am making her a miniature Leslie out of breakfast food.

22:23 Good lord.

22:30 How sweet is this table by the way, huh?

22:33 Got it from an actual Benihana.

22:35 Cost me four grand, worth every penny.

22:38 Can I interest anyone in an authentic a Japanese a breakfast?

22:42 Scrambled eggs eaten with chopsticks, okay.

22:46 You know, maybe we should negotiate while we're eating.

22:48 No, what's the rush?

22:49 Plenty of time FOR THAT LATER.

22:54 [screaming]

22:54 HEY GUYS, Mommy and I just need to talk.

22:57 Can you quiet down, please?

22:58 I will give you each a billion dollars.

23:02 Forget it.

23:02 They have my energy and your focus.

23:05 We created monsters.

23:06 Well, what a cute monsters.

23:08 Adorable.

23:08 That's how they get you.

23:09 So, help me out with this.

23:10 I have been stressing about my Newport land proposal.

23:14 I think we need to find a way to sex it up.

23:16 know.

23:16 What could be sexier than the intricacies of federal land purchases?

23:20 I know you're joking, but that actually does turn me on.

23:23 The Newports aren't going to just donate this land.

23:25 We're going to have to sweeten the deal.

23:27 Just like tonight.

23:28 I am sneaking broccoli into the mac and cheese

23:31 so the children don't know that they're eating vegetables.

23:33 It's what parenting is all about.

23:35 Helping your children through lies.

23:37 Well, not just your children.

23:40 Hm?

23:41 I've been sneaking vegetables into your waffles for years now,

23:43 since way before we were married.

23:46 What?

23:47 Haven't you ever wondered why your syrup had seeds in it?

23:50 You said they were maple seeds.

23:52 Yeah.

23:54 There's no such thing.

23:56 I have literally never been angrier at anyone in my life.

23:59 Walk away, Wyatt.

24:00 Okay, BUT YOU SAID WALK AWAY!

24:02 CHILDREN, ATTACK YOUR FATHER!

24:03 NO!

24:05 NO!

24:11 WHO JUST PUT A HUNDRED OF THESE IN THEIR BODY?

24:15 [crying] OH, look at you.

24:17 You're looking pretty unhealthy today.

24:18 You might be one of these.

24:19 Nutrium, by Sweetums.

24:21 If you can't beat 'em, sweet 'em.

24:22 I love that song.

24:24 Oh, I need to check my email.

24:26 We're going to sell these in the park now.

24:29 They're healthy.

24:30 Holy god, no, they're not.

24:31 They're terrible for you.

24:32 No, they're not.

24:33 There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there.

24:34 Yeah, look at the ingredients.

24:35 High fructose corn syrup, corn syrup.

24:38 eight grams of fat.

24:39 Yeah, per serving.

24:40 A bar is four servings.

24:42 Well, people seem to enjoy them.

24:43 Look how happy everybody is.

24:46 [music] Yeah, that's a a sugar rush.

24:51 Yeah.

24:51 Yeah.

24:52 That makes sense.

24:53 You're going to crash soon, and it's not going to be pretty.

24:55 Yeah, I'm going to crash soon, too, cuz I've eaten like 40 of these.

24:57 Oh god.

24:58 Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business,

25:01 but Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America.

25:05 The kids here are beefy.

25:06 They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized, chunk monsters.

25:12 Call them like I see them.

25:18 Leslie.

25:19 Yeah.

25:20 Let's get some almonds in you, okay?

25:24 Okay.

25:23 Get a You can't open them.

25:26 Oh, back to work.

25:28 I like the vanilla one with the lemon cream.

25:29 That was a joke cake I got

25:31 from the grocery store to weed out low-quality palettes.

25:34 Maybe it's cuz he's my fiance and I love him,

25:38 but I kind of like the grocery store one, too.

25:40 This is your dinner?

25:42 His name is Tom.

25:44 Burn.

25:45 Seriously?

25:46 No, I understand that it's hilarious, but that is his given Christian name.

25:50 Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal.

25:52 He's basically a dog.

25:54 A dog we're going to cook, chew, and swallow.

25:57 Dude, there's kids around here.

25:59 Good point.

26:00 Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal?

26:03 If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder.

26:05 You can blow it up for a fun play ball.

26:07 Hey, Ron.

26:08 You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?

26:10 Not to worry.

26:11 I have a permit.

26:14 This just says I can do what I want.

26:17 I am the director of the Parks Department and this is a park.

26:21 It's not a Parks thing.

26:22 It's against like three laws and dozen health codes.

26:28 Fine.

26:29 Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff.

26:34 Let's go, Tom.

26:35 NO, PIG TOM.

26:40 OH MY GOD.

26:41 FOOD.

26:42 FOOD.

26:43 YES, I am returned.

26:45 No, not so fast, Shirley.

26:46 I just have to thaw the meat, season it,

26:48 and grill it up, so it's going to be a few hours.

26:51 No, Ron.

26:52 My tummy's rumbling.

26:53 It's scary.

26:54 Tommy's got the tum rums.

26:56 Ron.

26:56 Chris Traeger feelings update.

26:58 I'm now feeling that your guests are getting a little antsy.

27:02 Fine, I'll skip a few steps and speed things up.

27:05 There you go.

27:05 Is there at least something to drink?

27:07 There's beer in the cooler.

27:08 What about for the children?

27:10 You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer.

27:13 Why don't you just give the kids water?

27:15 I suppose you could do that.

27:17 Now, would everyone please back off and just let me cook in peace?

27:21 These people are soft.

27:22 They're grill virgins.

27:24 But by the time this day is over,

27:26 they'll have been taken by the grill and delicately

27:29 and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat love.

27:33 Mhm.

27:35 The first time is so beautiful.

27:37 So, we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas.

27:39 So, let's talk topping.

27:40 Sausage, onion, and peppers scientifically proven to be the best toppings.

27:45 Nice.

27:46 Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?

27:49 Wow.

27:50 Don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

27:51 Yeah, Ben.

27:52 These guys are cops, not ballerinas.

27:54 How's your salad?

27:55 Well, it's called the Good Earth salad,

27:57 but really it's just cheese, toffee, and gummy bear worms.

28:03 This town is really unhealthy.

28:04 As always, we would like to make a friendly wager with Eagleton.

28:08 If you beat us this year,

28:09 we will give you a basket of apples from our Pawnee orchard.

28:13 Pesticide, yuck.

28:15 Oh, no.

28:15 These are pesticide-free.

28:16 I ate one of these for breakfast this morning and I found a worm in it.

28:20 So.

28:21 I bet somebody feels pretty stupid right now.

28:23 Well, Leslie, I think we had similar ideas.

28:26 If you win, Eagleton will give you this basket of oranges.

28:32 [laughter]

28:32 Of course, it's silly to compare apples and oranges, but what the heck?

28:36 These are made of Swarovski crystal and they're worth $700,000.

28:39 On the bright side, we did win the basketball game.

28:42 I think you owe us some apples.

28:44 Better pay up.

28:45 Oh, you don't want them.

28:47 All of Pawnee's apples have been recalled.

28:48 G coli.

28:49 You mean E coli?

28:51 I wish.

28:52 Way easier to treat.

28:54 Welcome to Pawnee.

28:59 Fork.

29:03 Fork?

29:06 Morning, Rummy.

29:07 How'd you sleep?

29:08 Well, there were no bed bugs.

29:10 Also, no bed.

29:12 I'm going to go buy a bed.

29:14 Fork.

29:14 I'm sorry.

29:15 Are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?

29:21 [laughter] It's pretty cute, right?

29:22 No.

29:23 Do you know what cute means?

29:25 What have you got against turkey chili for breakfast?

29:27 What have you guys got against washing dishes?

29:29 We don't have any dishes, okay?

29:31 Burly took them all when he left.

29:33 Now I bet you feel like a jerk.

29:35 [sighs and gasps] God.

29:36 Okay, I might need to not stay here anymore.

29:38 No, sorry, dude.

29:39 We already spent your money on a new Xbox 360 and more Frisbees to eat off of.

29:43 You got to stay.

29:43 Oh, good.

29:45 Okay.

29:45 All right.

29:46 Here's the deal.

29:49 We're going to clean this place up, okay?

29:51 And then I'm going to teach you how to be adults.

29:55 Cool.

29:55 We'll get to be adults.

29:57 Gee golly, thanks, mister.

30:01 Fork.

30:05 Ron?

30:06 What in the devil's NAME IS THIS?

30:08 Portobello mushrooms.

30:09 Where's the steak?

30:10 Oh, there's no steak.

30:11 That's a healthier option.

30:12 It's organically grown.

30:15 No.

30:16 Ron?

30:17 You okay?

30:18 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

30:18 Okay.

30:19 Can you get us a cold compress or something?

30:24 Opening this farmers market was one

30:27 of my greatest achievements as city councilor.

30:29 It's good for the economy, it's good for families,

30:32 and it's good for promoting a healthy lifestyle, which Pawnee desperately needs.

30:36 Look at this tiny tree.

30:38 Can you eat this?

30:40 Oh.

30:41 This one's dead.

30:45 Hey, Connie Cabbage.

30:46 What's good today?

30:47 Green cabbage is always a safe bet.

30:49 Red cabbage is good.

30:51 I mean, you can't go wrong.

30:53 That's the fun thing about cabbage.

30:55 One of the fun things.

31:00 [music] Time to crack this market open, Nacho.

31:02 Chard bodies, get a chard on.

31:05 LET'S GET ME CHARDED IN HERE.

31:08 WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

31:09 Uh Yeah, that's the new chard stand.

31:12 I suppose that's one way to sell [music] vegetables.

31:15 We got Swiss chard.

31:16 WE GOT WHITE CHARD.

31:17 WE GOT CHARD POPPERS.

31:18 AND FOR ALL YOU freaking vegans out there, WE GOT SHORT SHOTS.

31:23 YEAH.

31:25 MHM, chard is so bitter.

31:28 Ben, do something.

31:30 What do you want me to do?

31:31 Well, you're the city manager.

31:32 Kick them out.

31:33 They're violating every single one of the farmers market's rules of conduct.

31:36 By rules of conduct, do you mean that wooden sign you made that says,

31:40 "Peas be kind to others"?

31:41 Yes, and in case of fire, romaine calm,

31:44 and you won't believe how nice all of our vendors are.

31:47 I don't like vegetables, but I'm very good at vegetable puns.

31:49 Okay, I admit this is a little iffy, but

31:53 iffy?

31:52 I can't do anything till I check the rules for city vendors.

31:56 Cabbage.

31:57 Come and get it.

31:59 Connie, no.

32:01 Put those away.

32:03 I'm hungry.

32:04 Okay, well, don't be such a baby.

32:06 I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.

32:09 I ate it already.

32:10 What?

32:10 I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car.

32:13 And now it's gone, and I hate everything.

32:18 The key to volunteering?

32:20 A lot of pockets.

32:21 For putting all the food in.

32:23 The Red Cross has amazing cookies.

32:25 I go there all the time.

32:27 Meals on Wheels was a bonanza.

32:29 Suicide hotline?

32:30 Surprisingly lame spread.

32:37 What a gorgeous herbaceous medley.

32:39 There's been a mistake.

32:41 You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

32:44 Salad is traditionally the first course of the wedding.

32:46 Is a gerbil marrying a rabbit?

32:49 I'm in charge of food for the wedding,

32:50 so I brought in Pawnee's three best caterers and a panel of experts.

32:55 Chris loves vegetables, Ron loves meat, and Tom considers himself a foodie,

33:01 which apparently means taking Instagrams of food instead of eating it.

33:05 Okay, so I liked number one, Chris liked number two, and Ron liked number three.

33:12 Tom, what about you?

33:13 Caterer number one's presentation was simple, yet exhausting.

33:17 Number two's was subtle and provocative,

33:21 like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret.

33:23 Nothing you're saying is helpful.

33:24 But number three's told a story.

33:26 A story from a book I wouldn't read, but I would watch the movie of.

33:32 That's nonsense.

33:33 You know what?

33:34 I'm going to go with the first place.

33:35 I really love that appetizer.

33:37 Oh, the mini calzone?

33:38 I wouldn't call it that.

33:39 It was more like a savory pastry.

33:41 Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce,

33:44 cheese, and seasoned meat.

33:46 Just a stunning culinary innovation.

33:48 It was a calzone.

33:50 It was literally just a small calzone.

33:52 Ron, can I have a burger?

33:54 I'm hungry.

33:54 For the last time, no burgers yet.

33:57 I've got ribs and I've got beef cheek.

33:59 Ron, where are my vegan soy patties?

34:01 I gave them to the kids.

34:02 They love them.

34:03 They're skipping them across the pond.

34:05 Donna, I got to go to the boys' room.

34:06 Can I have a ride in your car?

34:08 Absolutely not.

34:09 stinks.

34:10 I'm saying it.

34:11 It stinks.

34:11 Do you have any plates or anything?

34:13 I mean, how are we supposed to eat these rumps?

34:15 Ron, if no one takes me to the bathroom,

34:16 I'm just going to have to go in the trees.

34:18 All right.

34:20 Forget it.

34:21 You have ruined a perfectly good barbecue with your demands and chatter.

34:27 Enjoy the rest OF YOUR EVENING.

34:31 EVERYONE, GET IN HERE NOW.

34:36 YOUR WORK IS APPRECIATED.

34:38 Eat some corn.

34:40 Thanks, Ron.

34:41 Thank you, Ron.

34:42 Thanks, Ron.

34:42 Thanks, Ron.

34:43 Also, here's Tom.

34:48 It actually smells really delicious.

34:50 It really does.

34:52 Give me some of Tommy's ribs.

34:54 Oh, heck yeah.

34:54 Sorry, Tom.

34:56 Oh my god, that's good.

34:58 Hey, did you hear back from the lease?

35:00 Oh, yeah, we're good.

35:01 The IOW is not going to protest us.

35:03 How's your pie?

35:05 I don't know.

35:05 I didn't make a pie.

35:07 Okay, how is your dessert calzone?

35:10 It's ready.

35:11 Question is, are they?

35:14 All right, our next contestant is candidate Ben Wyatt's wife, Leslie.

35:18 Let's see what Mrs.

35:19 Wyatt has baked up for us, shall we?

35:21 It's actually Ms.

35:22 Knope, and actually right now, it's Mr.

35:25 Wyatt.

35:25 Leslie has her own busy life, and I happen to be an excellent pie maker,

35:29 so we figured we'd switch it up a bit.

35:31 Now, pack your suitcases,

35:33 because we're going to a little town called Annabelle Lee in Italy.

35:40 FREE BEN WYATT!

35:42 FREE BEN WYATT!

35:43 EXCUSE ME, FREE ME FROM WHAT?

35:45 From the tyranny of women.

35:48 We are the male men.

35:49 We are a men's rights activist group, and we are fed up.

35:52 I'm sorry, what's happening now?

35:54 Behind every successful woman is a man she has oppressed.

36:00 First, Leslie Knope poaches her husband's campaign by making it all about her.

36:04 Now, she's forcing him to bake pies and enter a contest for her?

36:08 Oh, excuse me, I'm not forcing him to do anything.

36:11 He loves to cook.

36:12 Here, he has five personalized aprons.

36:15 Oh, so I guess he was asking for it because of the way he was dressed.

36:19 We are sick and tired of this feminized society.

36:23 Men have had a very rough go of it for just recently and it ends now.

36:30 Male and proud.

36:32 MALE AND PROUD.

36:34 MALE AND PROUD.

36:35 Strippers do nothing for me.

36:37 I like a strong, salt of the earth,

36:39 self-possessed woman at the top of her field.

36:42 Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses.

36:45 But, I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

36:49 [music] Tomcat, pull up a mouth.

36:59 This buffet is unstoppable.

37:01 Yeah, I'm not hungry.

37:03 By the way, you're doing a bang-up job of looking sad about Wendy.

37:08 Does she make scrambled eggs?

37:10 Couldn't you put Sue's Salads here?

37:12 On Deep Fried Boulevard?

37:14 It's just There's so many junk food places and only one salad stand.

37:18 Well, there's a lot of people that don't consider salad a food.

37:22 Who else Sue's Salads?

37:24 Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private citizen,

37:28 I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.

37:32 I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.

37:35 Because I don't hate myself, Tanya.

37:37 I'm sorry.

37:38 I know I should be chasing your vote,

37:40 but I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.

37:44 And I think I have a lot of support in the community for that.

37:47 Salad sucks.

37:48 There, I said it.

37:49 Feel better?

37:50 Yep.

37:51 Okay, Eagleton Ron.

37:53 Tell me a little about yourself.

37:55 Well, I love the outdoors, love nature.

37:57 Amen.

37:58 I'm a big believer in environmental conservation,

38:01 recycling, and composting, and the like.

38:03 I'm a yoga nut.

38:05 And I'm a nut nut.

38:08 They make delicious milk, man.

38:10 And I'm a vegan, of course.

38:11 Slowly working towards full freaking vegan.

38:14 What in God's name is freaking vegan?

38:16 You only eat vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters.

38:20 Do you know what I just read?

38:22 That right now our baby is the size of a green olive.

38:27 [snorts] Isn't that wild?

38:28 It is.

38:29 A green olive.

38:31 Little high in sodium.

38:32 I would have preferred a chickpea or a cherry tomato.

38:34 Our baby's not a salad.

38:36 Yes, right.

38:37 Speaking of bad reviews, computers are mostly pointless,

38:41 but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people and places.

38:47 I am composing strongly worded letters about things I disapprove of and I

38:51 am using the internet to get addresses where I can send them.

38:55 So far I've written to a vegetable farm, several European ambassadors,

38:59 a manufacturer of male cologne, and a non-fat frozen yogurt bar.

39:06 Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts.

39:09 Be ice cream or be nothing.

39:12 Zero stars.

39:14 Your blood pressure looks fine.

39:16 Not sure how this is possible, but your cholesterol is 120,

39:19 which is the lowest I've ever seen.

39:20 What's cholesterol?

39:21 And the only problem I see is that your potassium's low,

39:24 so just eat a banana once in a while.

39:27 No, thank you.

39:28 I live the way I live.

39:29 I eat the things I eat and I'll die the way I'll die.

39:33 That's oddly beautiful.

39:35 But also stupid.

39:36 You're not alone in the world anymore, Ron.

39:38 You're dating a woman who has two kids.

39:41 So every 3 days think about Ivy and Zoey and Diane and eat a damn banana.

39:51 Hi, Ron.

39:52 Hi, Ron.

40:07 Ladies.

40:08 Ladies.

40:18 Hey.

40:19 Hey.

40:20 Oh.

40:28 Oh.

40:35 Oh.

40:55 Oh.