Trump Now Wants Americans to Pay for His Ballroom & Says Crazy Stuff to Kids in the Oval Office

0:00 Hi, I'm Jimmy.

0:00 I am the host.

0:02 That's very nice.

0:04 Thank you for being here.

0:05 Thank you for watching at home.

0:08 And I want to wish a very happy Cinco de Mayo to each one of you.

0:15 Happy Cinco de Mayo to you, GMO.

0:17 Thank you.

0:17 HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO TO EVERYBODY.

0:20 YEAH.

0:22 On a scale from one to Cash Patel, how hammered are you right now?

0:26 No, I only had two shots.

0:28 You know, and it's not only Cinco de Mayo, it's also Taco Tuesday.

0:31 That's right.

0:33 This is how

0:35 it's like if St.

0:36 Patrick's Day fell on National Potato Day.

0:39 It's It's how we know God is Mexican.

0:41 You know, it was an extra special Taco Tuesday for LeBron James,

0:45 who loves Taco Tuesday.

0:46 And the Lakers made it to round two of the NBA playoffs tonight.

0:49 They were major underdogs in Oklahoma City.

0:52 And the New York Knicks, I don't know if you watched this game last,

0:54 they crushed the 76ers last night in game one of their series.

0:57 They beat them by almost 40 points, but still it was an excitement game to see.

1:15 Noel, you don't people don't know Kimmel is Spanish for Fallon.

1:20 So, or Fallon as he is known in Mango.

1:24 That was not me, by the way.

1:26 If that was me, I would have been in the 11th row.

1:29 U there was another big New York event I wasn't at last night, the Met Gala.

1:32 This is an annual thing held by the world of fashion and attended

1:36 by celebrities to remind everyday Americans

1:39 that they are correct in hating them.

1:41 The theme this year was costume art, which I thought was the theme every year.

1:45 It's not really a theme, but people dressed up.

1:48 You have Beyonce radiating dead mermaid.

1:51 You've got Oh, Madonna wearing uh Steven Miller's wedding dress,

1:55 looking quite lovely.

1:56 Cardi B dressed like the portion of the small intestine

2:00 they cut out of every person on My 600B Life.

2:04 That is Heidi Clume, believe it or not.

2:07 She She's not She getting out of the limo.

2:09 She fell into a wet cement.

2:11 And finally, we have Bad Bunny,

2:12 who showed up as dressed as James Brolan, the television and movie star.

2:18 Some of these people they describe

2:20 and hearing them described as MetGala veterans.

2:23 Yes, thank you for your service.

2:25 Uh, but I do feel like it's important

2:26 to point out that the MetGala is a charity event.

2:29 It raises money for the Metropolitan Museum.

2:32 It's about giving and it's also about using the word

2:35 giving over and over until we all throw up.

2:38 It's giving me Zenaia in that Cinderella moment with the smoke and the fire.

2:44 She's giving you Venus out of the water.

2:46 I'm not mad about it.

2:47 This is giving costume galore.

2:50 It is giving a little preparation age.

2:52 It is giving spring.

2:53 This is so on brand for her.

2:55 Giving body, giving you life on this carpet.

2:59 It's giving an updated version of Hillary Duff in a Cinderella story.

3:02 She is giving art.

3:03 He's just giving me Cumberbun.

3:05 It's giving Bridgetgerton.

3:06 It's giving Matrix.

3:07 This is giving American Horror Story.

3:08 Giving you a passion of Christ.

3:10 That is giving statuesque.

3:11 That is giving art.

3:12 He's giving Michelangelo in a blouse.

3:15 It's giving us Kylie.

3:15 It's giving us those skims nipples.

3:17 It's giving us money.

3:18 And I'm here for it.

3:22 Can we be done with that word now?

3:24 I mean, it's supposed to go on to the next one.

3:28 Let's move on to emanating.

3:29 OMG, she is emanating.

3:32 Maybe next year they can have the Met Gala at the White House ballroom.

3:35 You know, I don't know what it is with Trump in this ballroom,

3:38 but he's building it.

3:39 He's been pushing it bigly since

3:41 that shooter showed up at the correspondence dinner.

3:43 And I think I know why.

3:44 Originally, he said it would cost $200

3:46 million and would be financed by private donors.

3:50 Then the price tag doubled to 400 million,

3:53 which he said would still be paid for by private donors.

3:56 Then yesterday, Republicans in the Senate pushed a bill that would

4:00 allocate a billion dollars of taxpayer money to go toward this project.

4:07 Oh, you're against it.

4:10 I'm shocked.

4:10 I thought you were all for it.

4:12 According to the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee,

4:14 the money would be used for security features only, not for the ballroom itself.

4:18 And the White House, of course, disagrees with that.

4:21 After saying he and his teeth sucklers would pay for it personally,

4:26 Team Trump now wants us to foot the bill,

4:28 which is now five times what he said it would be.

4:31 A billion dollars for a ballroom.

4:33 What can you say?

4:33 The man loves to dance.

4:35 You know, this is not a popular project.

4:37 Only 28% of Americans supported him illegally knocking the White

4:41 House down in the middle of the night to build this.

4:43 And that was before we found out we'd be paying for it.

4:46 These are all the times Trump posted

4:48 that the ballroom would be built using zero taxpayer dollars.

4:52 But I don't get it.

4:53 Why does he need a room to hold balls?

4:55 He's already holding a lot of balls.

4:57 He's holding JD Vance's balls.

5:00 He's got Lindsey Graham's balls.

5:02 holding the balls of almost every Republican in Congress.

5:07 Thank you.

5:09 So today, today Trump signed an executive

5:13 order to bring back the presidential fitness test.

5:15 Do you remember that?

5:16 They would do it at school in the old days

5:18 to make you feel bad about how many pull-ups you couldn't do.

5:21 It went away during the Hussein Obama administration.

5:25 So Trump had to bring it back.

5:27 He wants kids to get in shape.

5:28 He says, "If kids don't get in shape,

5:30 they'll never be able to marry a wealthy businessman." Now,

5:33 on the old test, there was no preparation.

5:35 They just show up.

5:36 They'd have you do as many sit-ups as you could,

5:39 and if you did enough of them, you got a certificate.

5:41 But in this one, this is different.

5:43 They want to see how many Wendy's tendies you can fit in your mouth.

5:46 This is only Donald Trump would bring back

5:48 a test he would have no chance of passing.

5:50 So, to announce this, they brought a bunch of kids into the Oval Office.

5:54 They were there for about an hour over the course of which he

5:57 covered a wide range of subjects including his landside victory in the election,

6:01 ompic, which he calls the fat shot.

6:04 He bragged about ticket sales for the World Cup,

6:06 the UFC fight on the White House lawn.

6:09 He bragged about bombing boats, and of course,

6:11 what a great great job he's doing as president.

6:13 The economy is going great.

6:15 I ended eight wars.

6:17 Nobody else ended ever ended a war.

6:19 And the person that won the Nobel Prize, Maria, she's a good person.

6:23 She said, "I don't deserve this.

6:24 This deserves to President Trump.

6:27 There's never been a man that deserves a Nobel.

6:29 He ended eight wars, including India, Pakistan."

6:33 You getting this, kids?

6:34 You You're writing this down.

6:36 Nobody else ever entered a war.

6:38 And I strongarmed the Nobel Prize from a lady named Maria.

6:41 She's a good person.

6:42 And then the president moved on to his favorite subject after windmills,

6:46 men and women's sports.

6:48 You know, in all fairness to the Democrats,

6:50 when you have men and women's sports,

6:53 when you have open borders, when you have transgender mutilization,

6:58 don't listen to this, kids, of your children.

7:01 Of your children.

7:02 Transgender mutilization of your children.

7:05 For everyone, for everyone.

7:07 Everyone's getting mutilizated.

7:09 Did you know that, children?

7:11 This man is insane.

7:13 Okay, there are kids IN THE AND HE MADE UP A WORD,

7:22 MUTILIZATION, and he's telling children about it.

7:25 Next thing you know,

7:26 he'll be telling them his favorite story of the tale of the lady weightlifter.

7:30 I'm I'm doing football right now,

7:31 and next year I'm going to be trying to do powerlifting.

7:34 Oh, wow.

7:35 All right.

7:36 Oh, wow.

7:37 That's awesome.

7:37 And you'll never compete against women in powerlifting.

7:40 That's right.

7:41 Did you see that they had a man

7:42 powerlifter and he decided to go the opposite direction?

7:47 took a record, stood for 18 years.

7:51 He beat it by 119 pounds.

7:54 Okay.

7:55 He was a failed powerlifter and he went on the other side and he decided

7:59 that he wanted to go into women's sports and he broke the record by 118 pounds.

8:04 Think that's fair?

8:06 So, I don't think we have to worry about you.

8:09 You're going to do good.

8:11 Very, very normal.

8:13 just that a totally lucid, very rational, clear-minded,

8:18 level-headed person sharing his thoughts on gender

8:20 reassignment with a group of young kids.

8:23 That's our guy.

8:24 He's he he also let them know how bigly he got ripped off in the election.

8:35 It was a rigged election and I said, "Oh,

8:37 I'll do it again." I had the ultimate poll.

8:39 I did so well and I had the ultimate poll and we won in a landslide.

8:43 We won every single swing state.

8:46 We won the popular vote.

8:47 We won everything you can win.

8:48 We won 87% of the counties in the United States.

8:53 Are you foring real she can vote?

9:06 So then Liger Woods took the kids outside

9:09 for the ultimate test of physical fitness, putting.

9:13 See, he lines up a putt in front of the kids and um he misses the putt.

9:20 But um I'll get that for you, Mr.

9:22 President.

9:23 They get him another ball.

9:26 And now you hear the song Gloria blasting

9:28 in the background because kids love Laura Brandan.

9:33 He took three shots.

9:34 He missed all of them.

9:36 And um then he gave up.

9:39 Yeah.

9:40 He's just like, which is a great lesson.

9:41 You know, if you first you don't succeed, try two more times and then screw it.

9:47 That's what's going to happen in the straight of home move.

9:50 They can't seem to get their story straight about that.

9:53 Since the start of the ceasefire,

9:54 Iran has attacked the US and our allies 10 times.

9:58 This is a special Donald Trump kind

9:59 of ceasefire where the fire doesn't actually cease.

10:02 Over the weekend, a spokesman for the Iranians said,

10:04 "Surprise measures are planned for the enemy beyond their imagination.

10:09 That's us." Which I don't know.

10:10 I think we have a pretty good imagination at this.

10:13 We have a president who thinks he's AI Jesus MD.

10:16 So, but nothing's off the table.

10:18 The Iranians have even suggested they have

10:20 dolphins that are trained to carry mines,

10:23 which is a notion our Secretary of War disputes.

10:26 Are there still concerns about mines in the straight?

10:29 And can you kind of clarify these reports

10:32 of kamicazi dolphins that we've heard about?

10:35 I haven't heard the kamicazi dolphin thing.

10:37 It's like sharks with laser beams, right?

10:40 Uh and I can't confirm or deny whether we have kamicazi dolphins.

10:44 Uh but I can confirm they don't.

10:47 Can you though?

10:47 I mean, can maybe they're enriching

10:49 an underground stockpile of kamicazi dolphins.

10:52 We don't know.

10:53 They could be hiding anything in those beards.

10:55 This is good.

10:56 This is almost as nutty as the kamicazi Dolphins.

10:58 GameStop, you know the store nobody goes to because

11:01 you can download every game imaginable at home.

11:05 GameStop has announced a surprise bid to buy eBay.

11:09 The CEO of GameStop, who's very weird,

11:12 but like weirder than the people who go to his store,

11:15 told the Wall Street Journal that his company made

11:18 an unsolicited proposal to buy eBay for $56 billion.

11:23 where they will get $56 billion, nobody knows.

11:26 Their whole company is only worth 11 billion.

11:29 This is like Arby's trying to buy Apple.

11:32 And so, as an experiment, I typed the words GameStop store into eBay.

11:36 The very first thing I got was a GameStop store closing sign.

11:42 Maybe that's why they want to buy it,

11:43 to keep those signs from getting out of there.

11:46 Today, I do want to mention that today is National Teachers Appreciation Day.

11:51 Did you know that, GMO?

11:52 Uh, yes.

11:52 Yes, you did.

11:53 I didn't know it.

11:54 I've only I wish there was someone I don't

11:56 know who could have taught me that years ago.

11:58 But I love teacher.

11:59 I think being a teacher is one of the best things you can be.

12:02 I had some great teachers over the years.

12:05 Um Mr.

12:07 Camper, Mr.

12:07 Hail, Miss Peterson, and I had one very crazy one named Mr.

12:11 Gretz who one day disappeared.

12:12 I was a good student, but the one subject I did not do well in was penmanship.

12:17 I was not a good penman.

12:18 And this is interesting.

12:19 Back in 2013, most schools stopped teaching cursive.

12:23 They felt it was becoming defunct, I guess.

12:26 But then it came back.

12:27 27 states have now mandated that cursive be taught in public schools.

12:31 But those students who missed the window from 2013 never learned,

12:36 which either matters or it doesn't.

12:38 I don't know.

12:40 So to find out, we took to the streets to see

12:42 if persons of a certain age could pass a simple penmanship test.

12:47 When was the last time you wrote in curses?

12:50 Like first grade probably.

12:53 Do you miss it?

12:55 No.

12:55 Can you write quiz?

12:58 Quiz.

12:57 Yes.

12:57 In cursive.

13:10 You did something I've never seen.

13:12 You connected the line from the Q to the rest of the letters.

13:17 Yeah.

13:17 Yeah.

13:17 What are you studying in school?

13:18 Uh, I am hoping to go into graphic design in college.

13:21 Graphic designers probably need to know a lot of like type faces.

13:25 Yeah.

13:25 Fizzler.

13:29 Okay.

13:31 I don't know what I'm doing here.

13:34 If you could name this font, what would you name it?

13:37 Uh, show.

13:40 Pizza.

13:43 All in cursive.

13:44 Yeah.

13:47 I don't think I spelled it correctly, but So, I see you've written quizzical.

13:53 The Z's are so special.

13:55 Thank you.

13:56 The S is really the biggest issue probably.

13:59 It almost looks like you're trying to do a bubble letter.

14:03 Writing in cursive is so hard.

14:06 Okay.

14:06 So, where do you think you went wrong?

14:09 Like this and this and this.

14:14 So kind of the whole word, you know, cursive.

14:17 Yeah.

14:17 Like the where you write it all together.

14:19 Yeah.

14:20 Yeah.

14:20 Okay.

14:20 What about champagne?

14:21 Like the drink.

14:26 Champagne.

14:27 Yeah.

14:31 I misspel it.

14:32 I miss a letter.

14:32 I miss the letter G.

14:34 Is that the only difference you see?

14:43 No.

14:43 What about the word definitely?

14:45 Oh god.

14:53 What's the best part for you?

14:56 Probably the F to the I looks pretty I feel like that looks clean.

15:01 And then the E looks pretty cool, too.

15:03 Like going to the T.

15:06 It does look cool.

15:08 Do you want to sign your name on the bottom there?

15:10 You want me to do it in cursive?

15:11 Yeah.

15:11 kind of like a signature.

15:13 I curse it.

15:16 Sorry, kids.

15:18 We have a great show for tonight.

15:19 Gonzalez is here.

15:20 We'll be right back with John Molany.