How To Make Friends As An Adult

0:00 So I know a lot of people watch this

0:01 channel because they want to find love,

0:03 but there is something that we have to

0:04 talk about right now,

0:06 [music]

0:06 and that is friendship.

0:07 Now of course friendship is inextricably linked to

0:10 love.

0:10 For one thing, having a strong

0:11 foundation of friends gives us the kind

0:13 of confidence and [music] the stability

0:15 that makes us more attractive when we

0:17 date, but also because friendship makes

0:19 it possible to be happy even when we

0:21 don't date.

0:22 And it's not just happiness

0:23 that it affects, it's health.

0:25 A huge meta-analysis showed that people with

0:28 strong social relationships had a 50%

0:31 increased chance of survival compared

0:34 with those with weak social ties.

0:36 In case you didn't catch that, that means

0:38 that real friendships increase your odds

0:40 of survival by 50%.

0:43 The concept of the loneliness epidemic

0:45 has had huge attention in recent years,

0:47 and everyone in particular has

0:49 especially had something to say about

0:51 the male loneliness epidemic.

0:53 Some people say it's self-inflicted, and that

0:55 the loneliness stems from men's own

0:57 behaviors and choices rather than

1:00 external systemic factors.

1:02 Internalized norms like repressing emotions and

1:05 neglecting platonic friendships cause

1:07 men to become isolated as adults.

1:10 But a lot of people also highlight that women

1:12 too are lonely.

1:13 As a growing number of

1:14 women are now single and navigating life

1:16 alone for the first time in history, but

1:19 that their loneliness has not gotten the

1:21 attention it deserves.

1:22 I want to talk

1:23 about the real struggles we all have in

1:25 making friends as adults, and along the

1:27 way I'll highlight how some of these

1:29 struggles are exacerbated by the way

1:32 that men in general approach them.

1:34 [music] I'm Matthew Hussey.

1:35 I've written two New York Times best-selling books on

1:37 confidence and human relationships, and

1:40 I have coached millions of people around

1:41 the world for nearly two decades [music]

1:43 through this channel, my live retreats,

1:45 and my love life coaching program.

1:47 Subscribe and like this video, and let's

1:50 [music] get started.

1:51 So let's talk about

1:52 four things I believe are really

1:53 important to making friends as an adult.

1:56 Number one, become a great friendship

1:59 closer.

2:00 We can feel deeply uncomfortable

2:01 being seen to be looking for friendship.

2:05 On our first day of school, it felt

2:07 socially acceptable to be trying to make

2:09 new friends, but that was a long time

2:11 ago now.

2:12 For most of us, we feel like by

2:13 this point in our life, we are supposed

2:15 to have found our people.

2:17 I think this is why when we go on vacation, it feels

2:20 way easier to make friends because we're

2:22 not in our normal life.

2:23 We're in some random hotel that we don't normally go

2:26 to.

2:27 So of course we'll go and talk to

2:28 the people next to us at dinner.

2:30 Why wouldn't we?

2:31 We'll have a 10-minute

2:33 conversation with them and then be like,

2:35 "Did we just become best friends?" "Oh

2:39 my god.

2:40 Well, I guess the most logical

2:42 thing for us to do is to have breakfast

2:43 tomorrow morning together." Imagine

2:46 doing that to someone where you live.

2:49 It would seem mental.

2:50 But the truth is, we

2:51 can do a better job of making friends

2:54 where we live by becoming a great

2:56 friendship closer.

2:57 Now this part isn't

2:58 that complicated.

2:59 It just requires a

3:00 little bravery.

3:01 If you've had a great

3:02 conversation with someone, or you've had

3:04 several really nice exchanges with

3:06 someone that you keep seeing in the same

3:08 place over days or weeks, get into the

3:11 habit of saying to that person, "We

3:13 should stay in touch." Or, "You know

3:15 what?

3:16 We should hang out sometime." It

3:17 doesn't really need to get any more

3:19 specific than that at this stage.

3:21 All you're really looking for is to have a

3:22 way of staying in touch so that the

3:24 conversation can continue without you

3:27 needing fate to bring you back together.

3:29 If you are someone who thinks that they

3:30 can't do this cuz it just feels really

3:32 scary, or if you're a man watching this

3:34 and you're like, "I couldn't possibly do

3:36 that as a man talking to another man."

3:39 Stick around for the last point in this

3:40 video about vulnerability.

3:42 The second key to adult friendships is the

3:44 follow-up.

3:46 Whether you just got

3:47 someone's number, or you just bumped

3:49 into them for the fifth time, but you

3:51 already have their number, you just

3:53 never hung out before,

3:55 follow up.

3:56 It is often pride that stops

3:58 us from following up.

3:59 We prefer to let

4:00 someone else make the first move, or to

4:02 look aloof, and you know, bump into

4:04 someone and then text them 3 weeks from

4:07 now.

4:08 But following up cements the

4:10 connection.

4:11 You don't always have to

4:12 follow up immediately to make a plan,

4:14 although there's nothing wrong with

4:15 that, but you could just follow up to

4:17 say, "It was great running into you,

4:19 man.

4:20 Um really appreciate the

4:21 conversation." Or you could go a step

4:23 further and be like, "I'm going on a

4:25 hike this week if you want to join." Now

4:27 if that doesn't lead to something, don't

4:29 force it.

4:30 There's a fine line between

4:32 being a friendship closer and a

4:34 friendship stalker, trying constantly to

4:37 make something happen with someone who

4:39 is resisting.

4:40 If someone tells you

4:41 they're busy or they can't this week,

4:42 just put the ball back in their court.

4:44 No worries, let me know when you've got

4:45 some space.

4:46 Or you can text them a few

4:47 months from now and be like, "Hey, how

4:49 have you been?" But put the ball in

4:51 their court to propose something this

4:53 time.

4:53 It is crazy how many friendships

4:55 never happen because neither person

4:57 follows up.

4:58 Most people don't follow up

5:00 in life.

5:00 The beauty of that is that it's

5:02 really easy to stand out and build

5:04 better connections than other people do

5:06 if you do that one simple thing.

5:09 I know we are talking about friendship in this

5:10 video today.

5:11 I also know many of you are

5:13 watching this video dating right now,

5:16 and there's someone that you're in a

5:17 situationship with and it's not

5:19 progressing.

5:20 I just want to take a

5:20 moment to tell you about something we

5:22 have available for all of you who are

5:25 looking for real commitment.

5:26 It is called from situationship to commitment

5:29 because it is designed to give you a

5:32 structure, a way of having a

5:33 conversation with that person that

5:35 actually graduates it to a committed

5:38 relationship.

5:39 If you struggle getting

5:40 commitment from people in general, or if

5:42 there's someone in your life right now

5:43 you want more from, this is the perfect

5:46 guide.

5:47 Go check it out at

5:48 nomorecasual.com.

5:51 I know you're going to love this.

5:53 It's free.

5:54 Go try it out.

5:55 nomorecasual.com.

5:58 Back to the video.

5:59 The third key to

6:00 making friends as an adult, and this is

6:02 especially relevant if you're someone

6:04 who struggles to be brave, or if you're

6:06 a guy watching this and you're like, "I

6:08 just struggle to not look weird, or I'm

6:11 afraid I'm going to look weird." Is the

6:13 importance of vulnerability.

6:15 None of what I have said will work

6:17 unless we can be vulnerable.

6:19 And by the way, following up and trying

6:21 to meet up with someone probably won't

6:23 work if you didn't make a real

6:24 connection when you were with someone.

6:26 And for a connection to happen, we have

6:29 to be prepared to be a little vulnerable

6:31 with someone.

6:32 Vulnerability is a master

6:34 key, and it happens when someone does

6:36 something simple like asks us how we're

6:38 doing, and we respond with something beneath

6:43 the surface.

6:44 So someone recently asked

6:45 me how I'm doing as a new dad.

6:47 And amidst talking about the things that

6:49 were amazing about it, I also admitted

6:52 to the fact that because I haven't been

6:54 able to work out as much as I normally

6:56 do, it's affected my confidence and my

6:59 mental health a little bit, and that

7:01 it's been an adjustment.

7:02 Now that's vulnerable.

7:04 It's not me pouring out my

7:05 soul or my trauma, it's just being a

7:08 person, and people love people when they

7:12 actually get to see them.

7:14 Now a big part

7:15 of vulnerability is accepting that

7:18 things won't always go our way.

7:20 There will be times where we have a

7:23 friendship crush on somebody who we

7:25 really believe we should be good friends

7:28 with cuz we have so much in common, and

7:30 you like the way their mind works, and

7:31 you admire them and respect them, and

7:33 that friendship is unrequited.

7:37 You try and they shun you, or they don't

7:41 give you anything back, or you suggest

7:43 times to meet and they never seem to

7:45 want to.

7:46 And while that is painful and

7:48 hard, we have to remember the same rule

7:51 applies to friendships as it does

7:52 romantic relationships, that we might

7:55 have an idea of what this relationship

7:58 should be, but a friendship has to be

8:01 with someone who is actually available

8:04 for one.

8:04 I think it's worth saying that

8:06 all of this carries additional

8:09 challenges for certain kinds of men.

8:13 I'm not saying this isn't true of women too.

8:15 Women can feel awkward making friends.

8:17 Women can feel weird.

8:18 Women can feel uncool trying to make friends, or you

8:22 know, embarrassed, or call people and

8:25 feel like it they got shunned.

8:27 But there's an additional layer for a

8:29 lot of men that

8:31 they're dealing with other men.

8:34 And if you're a guy who wants to be open

8:36 and vulnerable and make friends, you

8:39 might not have the right men around you

8:41 for that right now.

8:43 There are plenty of

8:43 men by the way who are available for

8:45 this, and I know this because I've spent

8:48 my adult life cultivating friendships

8:50 with other men who are open and warm and

8:53 vulnerable.

8:54 But not all men have that

8:55 right now, and a lot of men are dealing

8:57 with men who are really stunted when it

9:00 comes to this.

9:01 There is a truth to the

9:02 idea that many female relationships are

9:05 inherently more enriching and offer more support than a lot of

9:09 male friendships do.

9:11 I know that my wife

9:11 Audrey can call up friends at the end of

9:13 the day after a very long day and just

9:16 say, "Hey, I'm tired and this and that.

9:19 What are you up to?

9:20 How are you doing?"

9:21 And they'll have a conversation, and

9:23 that conversation will put energy back

9:25 in the tank for both of them.

9:27 I have friendships like that with other

9:29 men, but a lot of guys don't.

9:31 A lot of guys do not have a guy that they can

9:34 call tonight and just talk about their

9:35 feelings and be like, "I just wanted to

9:38 call just to see how you were, or just

9:40 to chat." They will feel awkward in

9:43 doing that.

9:44 So the activation energy for men to do this

9:48 is often way higher.

9:50 I also know that

9:51 many men get together around an

9:53 activity, whether it's a sport, or a

9:57 or or you know, business, or they'll get

10:00 together with the pretext of having this

10:03 reason to get together

10:05 and then they'll spend their whole time

10:07 focused on whatever that pretext is and

10:09 don't actually connect on anything

10:11 that's going on on any of those in any

10:13 of those men's lives.

10:14 Most women have had the experience of being with a man

10:18 who went off to see a friend and then

10:21 that man comes back and she says,

10:23 "You saw Jeff?

10:24 Oh my god.

10:26 How is he?" And he says, "Yeah.

10:29 Yeah, he's he's fine."

10:31 He's fine?

10:32 What?

10:33 He's fine?

10:34 His entire family were eaten by bears

10:37 last week.

10:38 They had to airlift Jeff from

10:40 the top of a tree.

10:42 What do you mean he's

10:43 fine?

10:44 Yeah, it just I don't know, it

10:46 didn't come up.

10:47 Ironically, I don't think men will ever feel closer to women

10:50 than when they are genuinely trying to

10:52 make friends with other guys and coming

10:54 away with some of the same complaints

10:56 that women have about men.

10:58 Two word replies, a lack of reciprocal

11:01 vulnerability, trying to hang out and

11:03 getting very little back.

11:04 And all of this makes it easier to understand why

11:07 men not only experience higher rates of

11:09 depression after divorce, but why women

11:11 end up feeling so much of the emotional

11:13 labor in relationships with men.

11:15 It's because men often end up relying heavily

11:18 on their spouses their primary,

11:20 sometimes only emotional support while

11:22 being unprepared and ill-equipped to

11:26 provide that kind of emotional support

11:28 to someone else themselves, [music]

11:29 which is what makes many women who date

11:31 men wish that those men had deeper

11:33 friendships themselves.

11:35 Now, we are obviously not going to solve all of this

11:37 in one video.

11:37 I have way more to say.

11:39 This could have been an hour-long video

11:40 with the amount of notes I made,

11:42 but let's first hear from you.

11:44 What is your experience of making friends as an

11:46 adult?

11:47 Are you someone who has

11:48 prioritized friendships in your life or

11:50 are they something that you feel [music]

11:51 like you now want to invest in more at

11:53 this point in your life?

11:55 Leave me a comment.

11:56 I will be reading.

11:57 I'm excited to continue this conversation.

11:58 It's an important one.

12:00 I'll be in the comments.