British Comedy specials (1990 - 1970s) | BBC Comedy Greats

0:06 You're new.

0:08 Only around here, lady.

0:10 Have you nothing for this address?

0:13 Sorry.

0:13 I'd be greatly obliged if you'd make quite sure.

0:17 [laughter]

0:19 There's usually something for a Mrs.

0:21 Richard Bouquet.

0:23 How do you spell bouquet?

0:25 B U C K E T.

0:31 [laughter]

0:29 Come on.

0:30 B U C K E T.

0:35 Oh, bucket.

0:37 [laughter] It's

0:40 Well, I'm sorry, lady.

0:41 There's nothing here for a bouquet.

0:43 [laughter]

0:44 Nothing for this address.

0:46 And yet you have something for next door.

0:48 I find that very strange.

0:50 I can't help that, lady.

0:51 But people will tell you.

0:53 It's common knowledge I receive more mail than these next door.

1:00 [laughter]

1:00 There must be a card from my sister in Tenneref.

1:03 She's back home, of course, but we're still waiting for the card.

1:08 Anything wrong, Hyen?

1:09 He's mislaid my letters at the sorting office.

1:12 This would never have happened with my former postman.

1:15 [laughter]

1:18 You will remember, Elizabeth,

1:19 that you're invited this evening to my candlelight supper.

1:23 It's engraved on my mind.

1:25 Hi, telephone.

1:28 Dear, you want it on the phone?

1:29 I think it's urgent.

1:31 I'm not offering an opinion.

1:32 That's what she said.

1:33 Urgent.

1:35 Don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors, Richard.

1:38 I don't like you getting excited outdoors.

1:40 [laughter]

1:46 Morning, MAJOR.

1:47 FINE BY GONE, WOMAN.

1:49 YOU CAN DRIVE A MAN MAD LOOKING SO attractive so early IN THE DAY.

1:53 [laughter] YOU'LL NOT forget my little candle light supper this evening.

2:03 1930s.

2:04 I'll be there.

2:05 You minks.

2:07 You can always tell breeding.

2:10 [laughter] The phone hire synth.

2:15 I think it's urgent.

2:16 It's about your father.

2:22 We're going to have to emulion this ceiling.

2:25 We've just done it.

2:26 It's not a fit ceiling to bring a major under.

2:30 Sister Daisy, she's not coming, is she?

2:33 Not in that awful coat.

2:35 And he's not bringing her.

2:36 Not in that rust bucket of a car.

2:38 I will not have them back.

2:39 I think it's urgent.

2:40 It's so thoughtless to look as poor as they do.

2:43 [laughter] Daisy, how are you, dear?

2:47 Bloody ill.

2:48 How ill?

2:49 Is it of a severity necessary to cancel my candlelight supper?

2:53 [laughter] What was he doing at his age on a bicycle?

2:58 [laughter] Oh my god.

3:02 How much to drink?

3:04 [laughter] This way, Mrs.

3:09 Bucket.

3:10 It's okay.

3:15 How you feeling, Mr.

3:16 Oxley?

3:17 Better than him.

3:20 Daddy, I'm afraid he won't be aware of very much, Mrs.

3:24 Bucket.

3:25 Bouquet.

3:26 He's quite comfortable, but heavily sedated.

3:29 Oh, Daddy.

3:32 Should he be at a ward with a person who wears his hat in bed?

3:36 [laughter]

3:37 I'll leave you with your father, doctor.

3:40 What condition was my father in when he was admitted?

3:43 Drunk as A SKUNK.

3:45 [laughter] I EXPECT HE WAS flushed from excessive cycling.

3:51 [laughter] Can you describe what he was wearing, doctor?

3:54 Very quickly.

3:56 Very little, really, [laughter] to be honest.

3:59 Nothing at all.

4:01 There must be some mistake.

4:03 Yes, that's what I thought.

4:04 It was quite a chilly evening.

4:07 He'd been in the canal.

4:09 He was that blustered he wobbled off into the canal.

4:12 [laughter] Well, that explains it.

4:15 My father was cycling along the canal when he saw someone in distress,

4:19 so he removed his outer garments and dived in to save them.

4:23 Oh, great.

4:23 [laughter] Very commendable.

4:29 He must have removed more than his outer garments, Mrs.

4:31 Bucket Bouquet.

4:35 When he was pulled out, he was absolutely naked.

4:39 [laughter] Pollution.

4:40 I mean, what he'd been wearing was obviously dissolved by the pollution.

4:43 [laughter]

4:44 If you'd excuse me, I must attend to my other patient.

4:47 Why is he sedated after such a plucky act?

4:50 Well, he was highly excited.

4:52 And then, of course, there was the injury from the milk bottle.

4:56 Where is the injury?

4:58 You may tell me the worst.

4:59 I demand to be shown the extent of his injuries.

5:04 [laughter] Very well.

5:19 [laughter] Where is the injury?

5:23 Never you mind.

5:24 [laughter] My name is Bouquet.

5:29 B U C K E T.

5:32 No, it's not Bucket.

5:34 It's Bouquet.

5:36 I wish to place a large order, a very important order.

5:41 I have the new vicar calling this afternoon for tea and light refreshments.

5:44 So, how soon can you deliver?

5:48 Yes, I know it's Saturday and I'm very happy that you're busy.

5:53 I can understand that you don't deliver just anywhere, but as I say,

5:56 I do have the new vicar coming for tea and light refreshments,

6:00 and I want six fresh cream cakes.

6:05 That is a large order.

6:07 [laughter] Hello.

6:10 Hello.

6:14 Hi.

6:14 Poloy.

6:23 Oh, I wish you wouldn't raise your arms like that, Richard.

6:30 Not when you're [laughter] overheated.

6:31 It's very common out ofdoors.

6:35 It's warm work.

6:37 If you have to persspire, we should go into the back garden so

6:41 [laughter] we disturb people who respect us socially.

6:45 I didn't invent the human cooling system.

6:48 We mustn't abuse it, must we, dear?

6:54 Why are my roses not as big as those next door?

6:59 Maybe they're a different variety.

7:02 I don't like our roses not being as big as those next door.

7:05 Are you neglecting them, Richard?

7:08 I wanted the vicar to be greeted by a blaze of petal glory.

7:13 This type only grows to this size.

7:16 Highest.

7:17 I'm sure if you tried harder.

7:19 I keep thinking you're out here growing these huge roses.

7:23 And all the time I suppose you're gossiping with passers by.

7:27 It's funny you should say that.

7:28 Do you know who passed by earlier this morning?

7:30 My goodness, is that a dead leaf?

7:33 [laughter] Why are you collecting old dead leaves, Richard?

7:37 I'm going to corner the market.

7:40 Entire world market.

7:41 They're going to be begging me for old dead leaves.

7:53 Good morning, Elizabeth.

7:56 Morning, Har.

7:57 do come in and we'll have a little rehearsal for this afternoon.

8:02 Rehearsal?

8:03 Well, surely you haven't forgotten you're having tea with the new vicar

8:06 and light refreshments.

8:09 Oh, yes, the light refreshments.

8:11 I've had them before.

8:12 Do we need a rehearsal?

8:14 I never like leaving things to chance.

8:17 It's the mark of the thoughtful hostess.

8:20 [laughter] You can't just burst in.

8:34 They're having tea and light refreshments.

8:36 [laughter]

8:36 You can't be grudge a person of vicar when they're on the brink of the grave.

8:40 You're not on the brink, Rose.

8:41 You've hardly set foot in the cemetery.

8:43 [laughter]

8:44 Have you any idea of THE LOVE I BEAR FOR MR.

8:46 HERIS?

8:47 You're dropping petals on MY LACQUERED WOOD BLOCK.

8:50 [laughter] THIS IS THE LAST time I shall inconvenience you.

8:55 DON'T TRY AND STOP ME.

8:57 IT'S CRUEL TO ASK ME TO LIVE WITH A BROKEN HEART.

9:03 He's very young.

9:04 You You never said he was young.

9:08 It's very wicked of you, hire keeping him all to yourself.

9:12 ROSE [laughter] the bouquet residence.

9:18 The lady of the house be Oh, Sheridan, how wonderful to hear your voice, dear.

9:24 What a close psychic bond between you and I.

9:29 £50?

9:30 Why do you need £50, dear?

9:32 [laughter] Why do you want curtain material?

9:36 A flat?

9:36 Whose flat?

9:39 Sheridan, you're not moving in with some designing female.

9:42 [laughter] Oh, it's not a girl's flat.

9:44 It's a boy's flat.

9:46 [laughter] And you're making your own curtains.

9:49 How inventive.

9:52 Your friend always makes his own curtains.

9:54 [laughter]

9:58 Sorry, Dicky.

10:00 Don't worry.

10:04 You shouldn't be motoring things like that, Onslow.

10:06 Not with a vicle in the vicinity.

10:11 By all means, send me a sample of his embroidery.

10:14 It's a lifeline finding someone you can confide in.

10:17 Rose, what a pity you don't do confessions.

10:19 Rose, you could have a ball in mind.

10:22 ROSE.

10:22 ROSE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THE VIC?

10:24 [laughter] Hold just a moment.

10:26 I'm sure she's not hurting him.

10:28 SHE JUST NEEDS A SHOULDER to cry on.

10:30 She didn't look as though she was about to cry to me.

10:33 She was doing everything but bite his neck.

10:35 You're very emotional, dear.

10:37 [laughter] Think of it as a hormone imbalance.

10:41 We do.

10:42 WE ALWAYS THINK OF IT AS A HORMONE [laughter] IMBALANCE.

10:46 KIND of the vicar.

10:47 He may have saved my sister from a desperate act.

10:50 Where's my husband?

10:52 Which way did he go?

10:52 Where's my husband?

10:56 [laughter] Really?

11:00 I must Oh, BY THE WAY, DAD'S COME BACK WITH A STACK OF RIBBONS and lucky charms.

11:04 Come on.

11:05 [laughter] Where is he going?

11:06 Where's she taking him?

11:07 Where is he going?

11:08 He's probably better off down there than listening to what Enzo's saying.

11:12 All the PLE [laughter]

11:20 do feel free to pop in at any time, dear.

11:23 There'll always be a welcome for you at the bouquets.

11:29 Not a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.

11:34 Now we can go the Langley way or through Rich.

11:38 Which way would you like to go?

11:41 I wish you wouldn't leave everything to me, Richard.

11:46 All right, I'll take the B- road and we'll go the Langly Way.

11:55 I'd much rather we went the Ridley way.

12:00 On second thoughts, I think we go the Ridley way.

12:02 I'll turn around in the garage.

12:11 [laughter]

12:15 You know, I really ought to visit daddy first.

12:18 Turn left.

12:20 [laughter]

12:25 On reflection, I think it'd be better to go and see daddy on the way back.

12:28 getting round.

12:29 [laughter] [laughter]

12:38 No, my conscience is pricking me.

12:40 I must put daddy first.

12:43 Left again.

12:44 [laughter]

12:49 On second thoughts, I think it would be better

12:51 to go to Cen Hall first before it becomes too crowded.

12:55 Second thoughts.

12:59 [laughter] [laughter]

13:07 Anyway, I need time to prepare for Onslow.

13:10 I can't stand the sight of Onslow

13:13 lounging about drinking beer in his undershirt.

13:17 [laughter]

13:23 Watch the cyclist.

13:24 I'm watching the cyclist house and my eyes are riveted to the cyclist.

13:30 Aren't we going too fast?

13:31 This is a builtup area.

13:32 I'm under the limit.

13:36 Well, you went past number 23 too fast.

13:39 Far too fast.

13:41 She had no opportunity to see my hat.

13:45 And watch the lorry.

13:47 Which star?

13:50 There you are.

13:50 You see, you can't even see the lorry.

13:52 [laughter] Where is it?

13:53 parked over there.

13:56 Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked

13:58 on the other side of a dual carriageway?

14:03 I don't think I like your tone, Richard.

14:06 [laughter]

14:07 Changing tone.

14:13 Stop.

14:14 No.

14:14 What's wrong?

14:15 It's no good.

14:15 I can't go blindly off into the country.

14:17 I must visit daddy.

14:20 [laughter] Did you tell him?

14:25 Tell him what?

14:26 You must have told him.

14:27 Told him what?

14:28 Where we were going.

14:29 And they mentioned something.

14:31 You fancy doing that?

14:32 You practically invited him.

14:35 I think he's here now.

14:37 We just can't keep running.

14:41 I will not be found on stately premises

14:43 in the company of someone who drinks beer in his undershirt.

14:46 [laughter] Only when he can afford it.

14:50 I don't think will welcome it when we do find her.

14:55 What about that car park attendant?

14:57 I rather like that car park attendant.

14:59 Oh, I don't know why you want to spend the afternoon with higher synth.

15:05 I don't want to spend the afternoon with your higher synin.

15:07 It's your father who's scenile, not me.

15:10 We're here to rescue poor old Dicky.

15:13 He's the one I feel sorry for.

15:15 I just thought someone should rescue him and get some bevies down him.

15:28 [laughter] The hell do you call that?

15:30 It's art.

15:34 Art?

15:34 Wouldn't wrap me chips up in it.

15:37 Rose, what you reckon to this?

15:41 [laughter] OH.

15:50 [laughter] [laughter] THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.

16:01 COME ON.

16:05 [laughter] [laughter] RICHARD.

16:18 [laughter] [laughter] Can I help you?

16:48 This is not a public area, you know.

16:51 It's all right.

16:53 I'm a friend of the families.

16:55 Her lady ship and I are old acquaintances.

16:58 So, it would be very unwise of you to start getting a fish officious.

17:01 Oh, yes.

17:02 But we're merely hiding from some unacceptable person who's trying to pursue us.

17:07 There are such odd people about.

17:09 I'm sure you understand.

17:14 How was I to know that that was his lordship?

17:17 [laughter] He looked like the gardener.

17:20 He must be very low down on the aristocratic scale if he looks like a gardener.

17:26 I think it's irresponsible.

17:29 There's no right to look like a gardener.

17:32 I don't think I've ever seen your sister Daisy's house.

17:35 Have a house in No.

17:38 No.

17:38 I don't I don't believe you have.

17:40 Is it a nice house?

17:42 Well, you I'd really rather we were going to my sister Violet's.

17:45 You remember Violet?

17:46 She married that turf accountant.

17:48 He built that big house with a sauna and room for a pony.

17:52 You've heard me speak of Violet frequently.

17:55 You'd like violets.

17:57 Maybe I like daisies.

17:59 Well, possibly you may, but you you you well may.

18:03 What kind of a house is daisies?

18:07 Actually, it's uh quite like one of these.

18:09 [laughter] Yes.

18:11 In fact, it's very like one of these.

18:14 [laughter] Come to think of it, it is one of the Yes.

18:19 Here it is.

18:28 Now you stay there, Elizabeth, and don't move.

18:33 All right.

18:34 I won't invite you in in case daddy's contracted something unsightly.

18:38 [laughter]

18:39 With my regards to Daisy.

18:41 Oh, I will.

18:42 Yes.

18:43 Yes.

18:44 Thank you.

18:46 I will.

18:47 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

19:32 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] How are you going?

20:12 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

20:46 Shut up.

20:51 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] Sh.

21:21 [laughter] What's going on?

21:27 Nothing.

21:28 She's just sitting there without moving.

21:31 For a moment, I thought it was Onslow.

21:34 [laughter]

21:34 It's remarks like that that helped to cool

21:36 the first furious fires of our marriage.

21:38 Now, don't start arguing.

21:40 What's Daddy doing?

21:41 He's still asleep.

21:42 There's the answer.

21:44 She forced herself on him while he was still asleep.

21:48 [laughter] Daddy, I am his oldest daughter.

21:56 I have been consulted in this matter and it

21:59 has been decided that you can't stay here.

22:03 He offered me marriage.

22:05 [laughter] Daddy has not been well.

22:07 I got witnesses.

22:10 Daddy is sometimes not altogether logical.

22:13 He offered me marriage.

22:15 [laughter]

22:16 Look, you cannot take advantage of an ailing old man.

22:19 He took advantage of me.

22:22 [laughter] When?

22:26 Never mind.

22:27 [laughter]

22:28 I got witnesses.

22:30 I think you must have misunderstood him.

22:33 Oh, I understood him.

22:36 He offered me marriage.

22:39 Haven't you got a home to go to?

22:44 Certainly.

22:43 It's here.

22:45 [laughter]

22:47 We're going to need a bigger teapot.

22:48 You'll need nothing of the kind.

22:50 [laughter] This lady is going.

22:54 I can't just leave him.

22:55 I mean, what kind of basis is that for a marriage?

23:00 He'll probably have forgotten all about you when he wakes up.

23:03 He'll want to play with his trains.

23:07 Trains?

23:07 Oh, I like trains.

23:08 I can play with trains.

23:10 [laughter] What about your family?

23:13 Won't they be missing you?

23:15 I've only got a son.

23:17 Ah,

23:18 a son.

23:19 I have a son, too.

23:21 You can't desert him.

23:23 They need us.

23:25 He's 45 years old.

23:28 [laughter] A very tricky age.

23:49 Have you told Enzo yet?

23:51 Twice.

23:52 What'd he say?

23:53 I don't think he was listening.

23:55 Are you going to tell him?

23:57 I'm going to tell him.

24:00 Come on then.

24:01 In you.

24:01 Come.

24:01 Come on.

24:02 Come on.

24:03 Come in.

24:04 Come on.

24:07 Oh, come on.

24:09 Shut up.

24:11 Come on then.

24:13 On Monday and wearing another hat,

24:15 Michael Allen accepted a check for £1,300 from Paul and Carol,

24:20 two former stable employees of the state.

24:25 Onslow.

24:26 I've got something to tell you.

24:28 Hang on then.

24:28 Early off.

24:31 I'm in love onslow with a 17year-old.

24:34 It's got a good chance this.

24:35 I've got two quid on it.

24:37 [laughter] Enzo, I'm trying to tell you your wife is in love with a 17-year-old

24:44 late news.

24:46 That's disgusting.

24:47 That is [laughter] interrupting a bloke's prime time viewing.

24:52 [laughter] Anybody we know?

25:06 I thought he belonged to Rose.

25:09 He did, but they found they weren't compatible.

25:11 Oh, he's nice enough.

25:13 We just weren't compatible.

25:15 How old is he?

25:19 17.

25:19 Is he old enough to smoke?

25:26 Oh, T.

25:30 Oh, cheers.

25:33 Do you think you can keep him interested till he's old enough to drink?

25:37 [laughter]

25:38 Oh, no.

25:38 Look, I've missed it now.

25:40 BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUG OFF AND LET ME WATCH THE REPLAY?

25:44 Oh dear, I forgot the sausage rolls.

25:54 [laughter] Well, there should be somebody here.

26:02 There's food on the table of a rather unimaginative variety, it must be said.

26:08 I think it needs a smidgen of my OWN CUISINE.

26:11 RICHARD, BRING MY ACCUTRANTS THROUGH, will you, dear?

26:16 Well, this will be the principal buffet table.

26:18 I must be getting on, Mrs.

26:19 Bucket.

26:21 [laughter] I'll catch you later, Vicer,

26:25 and fill you in on Sheridan's progress at university.

26:29 Oh, good.

26:30 He's doing brilliantly well, you know.

26:32 Ah,

26:33 his tutors all forecast astonishing things for him.

26:36 [laughter] Ju just put them down there, dear.

26:40 They should be quite safe.

26:42 Now, I better try and bring a little style and polish to this food.

26:47 I shall need some extra people for the unskilled jobs.

26:51 Receptive people who are willing to watch and learn.

26:54 Elizabeth, come here, dear.

26:56 [laughter] While Richard is guarding my china,

27:00 will you go and round me up a few willing helpers?

27:03 Uh, what if they won't come, hire?

27:06 What do you mean won't come?

27:07 Just tell them who it's for, dear.

27:12 It hasn't worked.

27:14 You don't know that.

27:16 Well, look at him.

27:17 Does he look jealous?

27:21 Maybe he's hiding it.

27:23 Doing a very good job.

27:25 [laughter] Maybe he's in turmoil inside.

27:29 Well, if he is, it's indigestion.

27:32 [laughter] Let's find out.

27:36 Enslow, do you think you'll be able to cope now that Daisy's got a toy boy?

27:43 He will.

27:44 I think you'll be able to cope.

27:47 [laughter] I trust you've remembered your cruitess, ladies.

27:54 Oh, you do your lettuce like that, do you?

27:56 Sort of lumpy and carefree.

27:58 [laughter] My Sheridan prefers his arrange rather more symmetrically.

28:03 But then he has such natural good taste.

28:06 My mommy, he used to boast, designs the perfect salad.

28:11 [laughter] A wicked boy, Sheridan.

28:14 I used to protest, of course, covered with embarrassment, but that's how he was.

28:18 So perceptive, even at that age.

28:21 Yes, you need real skill to master cling film, don't you?

28:26 Oh, yes.

28:27 He always had good taste.

28:29 He was quite a small child.

28:30 When other boys would come home from school

28:32 looking as though they'd barely survived an explosion,

28:35 my Sheridan would always have his tie on straight

28:38 and the cleanest pair of knees in the civilized world.

28:42 Oh, is that one of Mrs.

28:43 Watson's cakes?

28:45 Oh, yes.

28:45 I can see it is now.

28:47 She does try.

28:48 Bless her.

28:51 That's one of Sheridan's favorite cakes when it's made properly.

28:56 Not that he has a sweet tooth.

28:57 He's very selfdisciplined.

29:00 Oh, I remember his scout master used to say that he'd never known ANYONE

29:05 APPLY MORE GRIT and determination to the acquisition

29:08 of his cooks badge than Sheridan.

29:11 Oh, that's nice, dear.

29:12 Whatever it is.

29:14 [laughter] There's no reply from Rege.

29:28 Don't think he's with somebody else, dear.

29:30 Can you please forget men today?

29:32 A rose.

29:33 All day.

29:36 All right.

29:36 Just for the christening.

29:37 Done.

29:38 I don't care if he is with somebody else.

29:41 I wonder who she is.

29:42 The[ __] Sorry.

29:44 Sorry.

29:45 Can I have the tea on?

29:53 Well, um, I'm ready.

29:57 Is Enslow up yet?

29:58 I shouted him an hour ago.

30:00 Oh, that's cutting it fine.

30:03 You know he needs at least two.

30:05 Onslow, have you seen me clean shirt?

30:10 DAISY, WHERE'S ENSLO'S CLEAN SHIRT?

30:12 HOW AM I supposed to remember?

30:14 HE NEVER WEARS A SHIRT.

30:16 How's she supposed to remember you never wear a shirt?

30:19 I do.

30:19 ON FORMAL OCCASIONS.

30:21 HE DOES ON FORMAL OCCASIONS.

30:24 HAS HE TRIED LOOKING in the wardrobe?

30:27 HAVE YOU TRIED looking in the wardrobe?

30:30 I hope our lass ISN'T GOING TO START HAVING BABIES every year.

30:34 WE AREN'T SURE LASS IS [laughter]

30:39 I hope the girl isn't going to make a habit of it.

30:41 Stop worrying.

30:43 People always ask what the father does.

30:46 You can't just tell them he gets away.

30:50 [laughter] Oh, that's better, dear.

30:53 She's not a bad girl.

30:54 I've always liked Stephanie.

30:56 Oh, I don't know about this piece of jewelry.

30:59 It'll have to do.

31:00 I'm not wearing my best.

31:02 With some of Onslow's cronies about, I could be mugged.

31:06 Just settle your mind to it.

31:07 You've got to make the best of things.

31:09 At least they're bothering to have the little girl christened.

31:13 Kylie?

31:14 [laughter] What sort of a name is Kylie for a Christian person?

31:19 It sounds LIKE A FOREIGN VEGETABLE.

31:23 NOW, if on our way we meet anyone we know,

31:26 I see no harm in telling them that we're going to a christening.

31:30 But I see no need to be explicit about the details.

31:33 Who am I going to tell?

31:35 I'm just warning you.

31:36 They needn't be told where the christristening is,

31:40 and they certainly needn't be told the exact circumstances.

31:45 My lips are sealed.

31:52 [crying] [laughter] [laughter] Right, let's start cooking, man.

32:17 Which one is the father?

32:19 I go must be that one.

32:30 [laughter] [laughter] Let me have a go [laughter] in the van.

32:47 It's

32:55 not fiddling with your tie on low.

32:58 Sorry.

32:58 Feel like the first man in our family to be hanged.

33:00 [laughter]

33:04 Here's our Violet.

33:08 Booking business looks good.

33:10 And it gets most of your money for a start.

33:13 [laughter] Which one of you is the father?

33:22 I am.

33:25 Me?

33:25 I am.

33:27 It's me.

33:27 I asked if she

33:29 They're arguing.

33:30 Which one is the father?

33:32 Which one is the father?

33:33 I'm the father.

33:35 [laughter] Did they tell you which one's the father?

33:56 Never mind.

33:57 It's time we were going.

34:02 [laughter] [laughter]

34:24 IT'S ALL STIFF.

34:25 ABOUT TIME.

34:43 [laughter] I will not be filmed emerging from a hippie calibanet.

34:55 What happened to your car?

34:56 [crying]

34:57 Richard wore it out.

34:59 Thanks, Har.

35:01 It's a lovely baby.

35:04 Which one's the father?

35:06 Let's go into the church, shall we?

35:09 Little dardy dallying.

35:11 Hson, if we go in first, we can hide behind a pillar.

35:18 Manuel, there is too much butter on those trays.

35:24 There is too much butter on those trays.

35:27 No, no, no.

35:28 Seor, not not on those.

35:31 No sir.

35:32 Uno [laughter] no mucho buro ali.

35:39 Okay.

35:40 Buro alihia.

35:44 What?

35:44 Okay.

35:45 Monteia.

35:45 Buru is is um buru buru.

35:52 Manuel.

35:53 Manuel.

35:54 Poor m see.

35:55 Iasm.

35:56 Nothing, dear.

35:57 I'm just dealing with it.

35:58 You speak good.

35:59 How you say

36:03 English?

36:01 Melia Solmente do.

36:07 Well, don't look at me.

36:07 You're the one who's supposed to be able to speak it.

36:09 Two pieces.

36:10 Two each.

36:12 Ariva.

36:12 Aria.

36:15 Well, I don't know why you wanted to hire him, Basil.

36:18 Because he's cheap and keen to learn, dear.

36:19 And in this day and age.

36:21 But why did you say you could speak the language?

36:23 I learned classical Spanish, not the strange dialect he seems to have picked up.

36:27 Quicker to train a monkey.

36:29 Morning, Miss Gatsby.

36:30 Morning, Miss T.

36:31 Good morning.

36:32 Good morning, Basil.

36:37 Yes, dear.

36:38 Are you going to hang the picture?

36:39 Yes, I am, dear.

36:40 Yes.

36:40 Yes.

36:41 Well, when I've when I've

36:43 Well, why don't you do it now?

36:44 Well, I'm doing this, dear.

36:45 I'm doing the menu.

36:45 Well, you've got all morning to do the menu.

36:47 Why don't you hang the picture now?

36:50 Well,

36:50 that's all right.

36:51 I won't do the menu.

36:51 I don't think you realize how long it takes to do THE MENU,

36:53 BUT NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

36:54 I'll hang a picture now.

36:55 If the menus are late for lunch, it doesn't matter.

36:56 The guests can all come and look at the picture till they are ready.

36:59 Right.

37:03 Lower.

37:03 Lower.

37:04 Up a bit.

37:06 Thank you, dear.

37:06 Thank you so much.

37:08 I know where I'd be without you.

37:10 Land of the living, probably.

37:17 Yes.

37:17 Uh,

37:18 could we have our bill, please?

37:20 Can you wait a minute?

37:21 Well, I'm afraid we're a bit late for our train.

37:23 We didn't get our alarm call.

37:28 Right.

37:28 I'm sorry.

37:28 You know, we do have staff problems.

37:30 I'm so sorry it's not all done by magic.

37:32 Basel, are you doing the No, I'm not doing the menu, dear.

37:35 I'm doing the bill for these charming people who are in a hurry.

37:38 I'm sorry to cause all this trouble,

37:39 but the reason we're late is we didn't get our alarm call.

37:42 Oh, dear.

37:42 I am sorry, Baza.

37:44 Why didn't they get their alarm call?

37:45 Because I forgot.

37:46 I am so sorry I am not perfect.

37:50 There you are.

37:51 The perhaps you'd pay my wife.

37:52 I have to put the picture up.

37:54 There aren't any dust bins to be cleaned up.

37:56 No, B.

38:04 Bye.

38:05 See you again.

38:09 Don't forget the picture, Basil.

38:11 I won't, dear.

38:11 Leave it to me.

38:12 I'm going out now.

38:13 I expect it to be out when I come back.

38:16 Drive carefully, dear.

38:18 Go and GO AND WAIT IN THERE.

38:19 GOT TO BE A WAITER IN THERE.

38:22 [laughter] I do apologize, your lordship.

38:27 I'm afraid he's only just joined us.

38:30 Be quicker to train a monkey.

38:32 [laughter] Oh, do uh do please follow me.

38:45 [laughter] I mean, if you if you're ready.

38:46 There's no hurry.

38:47 Oh, yes.

38:47 Yes.

38:48 No.

38:48 Fine.

38:55 Uh, excuse me.

38:55 I'm sorry to bother you.

38:56 Uh, would you mind moving to that table?

38:59 Uh, could I ask you please to move to that table over there?

39:01 I'm so sorry to trouble you.

39:03 Thank you so much.

39:04 This is Lord Melbbury's table.

39:06 You see?

39:07 What?

39:06 Uh, Lord Melbury, when he says with us, he always sits at this table.

39:09 WHY DID THEY PUT US HERE THEN?

39:11 UH, an oversight on my wife's part.

39:12 I'm so sorry.

39:13 He's only just arrived.

39:13 Lucy, would you mind pulling?

39:15 Uh, would you help these people move?

39:17 Great fruit.

39:18 Thank you.

39:18 Thank you so much.

39:19 Come on.

39:20 Come on.

39:22 Thank you.

39:31 Ah, Lord Melbury, do you please uh come this way, your lordship?

39:34 I have your table over here by the window as usual.

39:38 [laughter] Thank you.

39:40 Thank you.

39:41 Thank you VERY MUCH.

39:41 YES.

39:46 [laughter]

39:45 OH MY GOD.

39:46 OH MY GOD.

39:48 GET OVER YOUR MIRROR.

39:50 THANK YOU SO MUCH.

39:51 Thank you.

40:01 Uh, Lord Melbury, I REALLY MUST HAVE

40:04 PLEASE, please think nothing of it.

40:05 Oh, but it was very No, no, no.

40:07 Smallest of accidents could have occurred anywhere.

40:09 Yes, but I mean if

40:10 No, no.

40:10 I've forgotten all about it.

40:12 Well, that's most of you're really your lordship.

40:14 Would [laughter] you allow me to offer you dinner here tonight as our guest?

40:19 Oh, that's extremely kind of you.

40:20 Unfortunately, I have an engagement tonight.

40:22 Oh, actually, yes.

40:24 And there is one thing.

40:26 Good.

40:26 Um, I finally can you cash me a small check.

40:30 I'm playing golf this afternoon.

40:32 Oh,

40:32 delighted.

40:32 And I'd rather not go into the town.

40:35 Absolutely.

40:35 I mean, uh, how much?

40:37 If it's not a rude question.

40:38 No.

40:38 Well, uh, could you marry um 50?

40:41 Oh, 100.

40:45 Oh, [laughter] absolutely.

40:48 Oh, yes.

40:48 I mean, uh, will 100 be enough?

40:50 I mean, 150, 200.

40:52 160 or Yeah.

40:54 Well, now, let's see.

40:55 It's dinner tonight.

40:55 Few tips.

40:56 Oh, and it's weekend, isn't it?

40:58 Would 200 be all right?

41:03 OH.

41:02 OH, PLEASE.

41:03 OH, TREMENDOUS.

41:05 OH, I'M SO HAPPY.

41:07 I'LL SEND SOMEONE down to the town straight away

41:09 and have it for you here when you get back.

41:11 Yes.

41:11 Well, that'll be splendid.

41:13 Well, thank you.

41:13 Thank you a lot.

41:14 Thank you so much.

41:14 No, not at all.

41:15 I mean, my my privilege greedy.

41:19 I mean, sure.

41:22 Hello, dear.

41:24 What you doing?

41:25 I'm kissing you, dear.

41:27 Well, don't thought it might be nice.

41:29 Some small sign.

41:31 I heard about lunch.

41:32 What?

41:33 Oh, that.

41:33 Oh, think nothing of it.

41:35 What?

41:35 IT WAS THE SMALLEST OF ACCIDENTS.

41:36 Could have happened anywhere.

41:38 Anywhere.

41:38 First you move that nice family in the middle

41:40 of their meal and then you attack Lord Melbour with a chair.

41:44 Look, I've had a word with Lord Melbour about it.

41:46 He was quite charming.

41:48 It's delightful to have people I bet staying here.

41:50 Sheer class, golf, bar, there's engagements, couple of hund horses.

41:57 [laughter]

41:57 Well, I've never seen such tatty cases.

41:59 OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T.

42:00 IT'S ONLY a true upper CLASS THAT WOULD HAVE T LIKE THAT.

42:03 THAT'S THE whole point.

42:05 Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about.

42:07 No, I don't.

42:07 But don't ever guess in the middle of a meal again and get that picture up.

42:13 Sorrow, right?

42:21 Um, Faulty Towers, how are you?

42:23 Nice day.

42:24 [laughter] No, no, no.

42:26 He not here.

42:27 He not here.

42:28 Very, very sorry.

42:28 Uh, goodbye.

42:29 Goodbye.

42:32 Ah, hello men.

42:34 today now.

42:35 You are men.

42:37 You are.

42:38 You're men.

42:39 Are you trying to be funny?

42:40 Huh?

42:41 I said are you trying to be funny?

42:43 Not but not here.

42:44 You are men with orally.

42:46 What?

42:45 YOU ORALLY MEN.

42:46 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

42:47 YOU ORALLY?

42:48 YOU WATCH IT.

42:49 WHERE ORALLY?

42:50 WHAT'S HE GOING ON ABOVE?

42:51 He means a Oh yes, that's right.

42:56 Yes, we are orally men.

42:59 [laughter] Thick as a plank.

43:02 Wait here, please.

43:02 I go, you wait.

43:06 Uh, you wait too, please.

43:18 Polly.

43:19 Polly.

43:20 Polly.

43:35 Hello 40 ft towers.

43:36 How are you?

43:36 It's a nice day.

43:38 Oh, you again?

43:38 No, I say he not here.

43:40 He not here.

43:40 Very, very sorry.

43:41 Goodbye.

43:43 [laughter] Wicked.

43:46 You men know what to do.

43:48 I think so.

43:48 This is the uh dining room.

43:50 You are certain, you know.

43:51 It looks pretty straightforward.

43:52 We just got to block THIS ONE OFF.

43:55 YES.

43:55 YES.

43:55 YES.

43:57 OH, you Now listen.

43:58 He not here.

43:59 HOW MANY TIMES?

44:00 WHERE ARE YOUR EARS?

44:01 YOU GREAT BIG HALFWHEAT.

44:03 HE NOT HERE.

44:04 LISTEN.

44:07 NOW YOU UNDERSTAND.

44:08 He Mr.

44:14 Faulty.

44:15 I'm very sorry.

44:16 Very sorry.

44:17 Is you?

44:17 Yes.

44:18 Is me, Mr.

44:19 Faulty.

44:19 Holly.

44:20 No.

44:21 No.

44:21 She She very busy.

44:22 Uh men.

44:24 Yes.

44:24 Men are here.

44:25 Men are work.

44:26 You work men.

44:27 Yes.

44:28 Which ah yes.

44:30 Man with beard, please.

44:32 Which one is man with beard?

44:41 See one moment please.

44:42 Um you are aidius orangutang.

44:52 H [laughter] P.

45:19 [laughter] Polly.

45:26 MANUEL.

45:31 [laughter] POLLY.

45:34 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HOTEL?

45:36 HOLLY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOTEL?

45:39 WHAT?

45:40 LOOK.

45:39 OH, IT'S NICE.

45:40 I LIKE IT THERE.

45:42 SHUT.

45:42 YOU'RE HURTING ME.

45:43 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DINING ROOM DOOR?

45:44 WHERE IS IT?

45:45 I DON'T KNOW.

45:45 WHY DON'T YOU KNOW I LEFT YOU IN CHARGE?

45:47 WELL, I FELL ASLEEP.

45:48 YOU FELL ASLEEP?

45:49 WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

45:50 YOU FELL ASLEEP AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

45:52 HE FORGOT TO WAKE ME.

45:53 WHO FORGOT TO WAKE YOU?

45:54 IT IS MY FAULT,

45:55 MANUEL.

45:55 I KNEW IT, MANUEL.

45:57 DON'T BLAME HIM.

45:58 WHY NOT?

45:59 IT'S NOT REALLY HIS FAULT.

46:00 WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS IT THEN?

46:01 YOUR CLOTH AND BENT COTTON.

46:05 WELL, YOU HIRED O'REILLY, didn't you?

46:07 I mean, we all warned you.

46:08 Who else would do something like this?

46:09 I beg your pardon?

46:11 You hired O'Reilly?

46:13 OH, I SEE.

46:14 IT'S MY FAULT.

46:14 Is it?

46:15 Oh, of course.

46:16 THERE I WAS THINKING IT WAS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN LEFT IN CHARGE.

46:20 OR MANUEL WELL'S FAULT FOR NOT WAKING UP WHEN ALL THE TIME IT WAS MY FAULT.

46:24 OH, it's so obvious NOW.

46:25 I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT.

46:26 WELL, I MUST BE PUNISHED THEN, MUSTN'T I?

46:28 YOU'RE A NAUGHTY BOY.

46:31 DON'T DO IT.

46:33 DON'T.

46:33 She's going to BE BACK AT LUNCHTIME.

46:36 NOW WAIT.

46:36 YOU CAN'T DEMAND.

46:38 YOU REALIZE EASY.

46:39 YOUR DEAD TOO ARE ALL DEAD.

46:41 DON'T PANIC.

46:42 WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO?

46:49 We will follow heal.

46:51 [laughter] COME ON IN.

47:05 [screaming] RIGHT.

47:08 I CALL HER RIGHT.

47:12 [laughter]

47:12 What is this?

47:13 I mean, WHAT IS THIS DOING?

47:14 WIFE.

47:16 YOUR WIFE ORDERED TO CALL O'NEAL.

47:24 WHAT SHALL I CALL HIM?

47:25 NO.

47:25 NO, I'LL DO IT.

47:25 I'LL CALL HIM.

47:26 YOU GO AND SEE IF THE ROOF'S STILL ON.

47:35 [laughter] What are you doing?

47:36 Stay there.

47:37 YOU CAN'T DO THAT NOW.

47:38 GO AND SEE IF THEY'VE STARTED BREAKFAST NOW.

47:45 AH, hello Mr.

47:47 O'Reilly.

47:48 How are you this morning?

47:49 Oh, good, good.

47:50 No rare diseases or anything?

47:52 Oh, I do think about um Basel 40.

47:55 You remember the poor sod you do jobs for?

47:58 Well, now how are things your end?

48:01 Oh, good, good, good, good.

48:05 Well, now how would you like to hear about things my end?

48:08 Oh, well, at your usual standard, I think I could say a few holes in the floor,

48:13 the odd door missing, but nothing you can't be sued for.

48:15 Good morning.

48:18 I make a phone.

48:19 Good morning.

48:20 One moment, please.

48:21 [laughter] Would you say good morning?

48:25 See, she Well, what are you going to do now then?

48:29 Okay.

48:30 What you do now?

48:32 I serve breakfast.

48:34 Oh, let's see you then.

48:36 See Where is Dor?

48:43 Dor is gone.

48:45 DOR DOR WAS HERE.

48:47 UM,

48:51 and where is your charming wife this evening?

48:53 Oh, she's uh she's spending the night with a friend.

48:56 Oh, a girl.

48:57 A lady friend.

48:58 When the cats away, huh?

49:00 Oh, hardly.

49:01 No, too much to do.

49:02 Ah, well, good night.

49:04 When we Oh, Mr.

49:05 Fy.

49:07 Yes.

49:06 Did you fix my window?

49:07 Oh.

49:07 Uh,

49:08 if you could please.

49:09 It's so hot tonight.

49:11 Yes.

49:11 Yes.

49:12 Okay.

49:12 Right.

49:24 Here we are.

49:26 Ah, you're so strong.

49:28 Oh, well, I'm sure you are, too, if you put your mind to it.

49:31 Your wife shouldn't leave you with strange women.

49:34 Oh, well, I I wouldn't call you that strange.

49:36 [laughter] Mr.

49:37 Fy, you're so charming.

49:39 Oh, very early little.

49:41 Isn't it wonderful?

49:43 Yes, it's nice, isn't it?

49:44 I shall sleep on natural tonight.

49:48 Good idea, right?

49:49 I mean, not so much fun on your own.

49:52 Oh, well, one can always pretend.

49:53 Oh, twinch from the old legs.

49:55 Better go lighter.

49:56 Good [laughter] night.

49:57 Good night, damn strapple.

50:13 Uh, who is it?

50:14 Uh, Mr.

50:15 40.

50:21 Hello.

50:20 I'm so sorry, but I have to leave early tomorrow.

50:23 Could I have a call at 7:00, please?

50:25 Oh, Marvis, is that all?

50:26 Absolutely.

50:26 7:00.

50:27 Please don't go yet.

50:29 Oh, really?

50:30 I think you forgotten something.

50:32 Did I?

50:33 Damn.

50:33 Well, there you go.

50:34 Your recorder.

50:36 Oh, thank you.

50:38 You left it in my room.

50:39 No, thank you so much.

50:41 You left it in my room so you could come and get it, didn't you?

50:45 [laughter]

50:46 I'm not having you knocking on my door in the middle of the night.

50:50 [laughter] You naughty man.

50:56 Good night and Okay, go to your room.

51:21 I won't ask you again.

51:23 Open the door.

51:25 LISTEN, I CAN'T.

51:26 MY WIFE HAS JUST GOT BACK UNEXPECTEDLY.

51:28 SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

51:29 WHAT?

51:29 DEAR, UH, I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT ON THE SECOND SHELF, CIVIL DARLING.

51:34 Let me in.

51:34 Basel, you'll meet somebody else sooner or later.

51:38 Basel, try to control yourself.

51:40 Where do you THINK YOU ARE, PARIS?

51:41 LET ME IN.

51:43 SHUT UP, WILL YOU?

51:44 YOU SILLY TART.

51:46 GO AWAY.

51:47 MY WIFE WILL HEAR US.

51:49 THIS IS your wife.

51:51 [laughter] Oh, what a terrible dream.

52:03 [applause] There's a burglar downstairs.

52:08 George got back.

52:08 Did he?

52:09 There's a burglar downstairs.

52:13 What?

52:11 A burglar.

52:12 Quick.

52:16 [laughter] I will.

52:45 We've been to a wedding.

52:52 [laughter]

53:00 Hello, faulty titties.

53:04 Yes.

53:04 Yes.

53:05 Oh, it's you, Audrey.

53:07 Yes.

53:08 Oh, he's left you again, has he?

53:10 Oh, dear.

53:11 Oh, dear.

53:12 How sad.

53:14 Yes.

53:15 Oh, good evening, Major.

53:16 Yes, I'll be with you in just one moment.

53:17 Yes.

53:17 Well, I'll get her a call.

53:19 Yes.

53:19 Well, keep your pecker up.

53:20 Bye.

53:24 [laughter]

53:25 Stop it.

53:30 [laughter]

53:32 Hello.

53:32 We booked a room.

53:34 Have you?

53:34 Yes.

53:34 A double one.

53:35 The name is

53:36 One Moment, please.

53:38 It's a nice suit.

53:40 What?

53:40 I thought you said something.

53:42 No.

53:42 [laughter]

53:44 Are you all right?

53:45 Yes, thank you.

53:47 [laughter]

53:49 Are we ready?

53:50 I think we are.

53:51 Yeah.

53:52 Your name, please.

53:53 Yes.

53:53 It's Bruce.

53:54 Mr.

53:54 and Mrs.

53:55 Bruce.

53:55 That's right.

53:56 Is it a double bed?

53:58 I beg a pardon?

53:59 Has our room got a double bed?

54:01 A double bed?

54:03 Yes.

54:03 Well, we've only got one double bed.

54:04 I mean, you want that?

54:05 Oh, very much indeed.

54:06 Yeah.

54:06 Well, I'll have to put you in number 12 then.

54:09 All right.

54:09 Well, I mean, what?

54:10 Oh, never mind.

54:11 Yes.

54:12 Has it got a breeze?

54:14 Has it got a breeze?

54:16 Oh, is is it airy?

54:18 Well, there's air in it.

54:19 I mean, what?

54:21 I think there's a letter for me.

54:22 What?

54:22 There's a letter for me there.

54:23 No, there isn't.

54:25 Yes, Jean Wilson.

54:28 Jean Wilson.

54:29 Is this you?

54:30 Mhm.

54:31 [laughter] Now, what's going on here?

54:34 Well, I can't give you a double room then.

54:35 Oh, law.

54:36 It's against the law.

54:37 What law?

54:37 The law of England.

54:38 Nothing to do with me.

54:40 Nothing to do with you.

54:41 Nothing at all.

54:41 I can give you two singles if you like, but um should we go somewhere else?

54:45 Excuse me.

54:47 Well, there's my key.

54:48 And now I'm off to paint the town red.

54:51 Thank you so much.

54:52 Well, perhaps I'll see you later this evening.

54:54 Yes, my wife and I will be up till quite late tonight.

54:56 Thank you.

54:58 Don't believe it.

54:59 Will.

55:00 Excuse me.

55:01 We'll have two singles then, if that's all right, with the police.

55:04 Two singles?

55:05 Certainly.

55:05 Now, um

55:06 next to each other.

55:07 Next to each other.

55:08 Oh dear.

55:09 We can't do that.

55:10 What a shame.

55:11 Good evening.

55:11 Good evening.

55:13 Um, a double, is it?

55:14 We'd like a double.

55:15 Two singles, dear.

55:15 Not married now.

55:16 Um,

55:19 what?

55:19 Nothing, dear.

55:19 I'm dealing with it.

55:20 Well, 17 and 18 are free.

55:22 You'd have to share a bar.

55:24 Oh, Audrey called.

55:25 I'll handle it.

55:26 Uh, George has left her again.

55:28 Oh, no.

55:28 Now, we got one on the first floor, one right up at the top.

55:31 Shall I deal with this, Basil?

55:33 I'm dealing with it, dear.

55:34 No, dear.

55:34 That's all right.

55:34 Now, you wanted two singles.

55:36 I said I'd deal with it.

55:37 Do you mind sharing your bathroom?

55:38 Look, I was here first.

55:39 Well, it's my turn now then.

55:41 [laughter]

55:42 I fought the Korean War, you know.

55:44 I killed four men.

55:48 He was in the catering core.

55:49 He used to poison them.

55:51 [laughter]

55:55 Yes.

55:55 Who is it?

55:56 He's Manuel.

55:57 What do you want?

55:58 Can I go now?

55:59 I thought you'd gone.

56:02 Okay.

56:01 I thought you'd gone.

56:03 No.

56:03 No.

56:04 I turned it off.

56:06 What?

56:07 It was about Sohai.

56:08 No.

56:08 No.

56:08 I said I thought a cred.

56:10 It doesn't matter.

56:12 Okay.

56:12 It doesn't matter.

56:13 Oh, you think I gone?

56:15 Yes.

56:15 No.

56:15 No.

56:15 I go now.

56:17 Wonderful.

56:17 What is okay?

56:18 Is okay.

56:19 Thank you.

56:23 Yes.

56:23 Before I go.

56:24 Is it?

56:25 Ma'am, is my birthday?

56:27 Yes, I know.

56:29 I want to thank you for beautiful present.

56:31 Oh, yes.

56:32 And for your much kindness to me since I come here.

56:35 Not at all.

56:35 My pleasure.

56:36 Since coming here from Spain, leaving my mother outside.

56:42 Okay.

56:41 Outside.

56:41 Thank you.

56:44 Since coming here from Spain, leaving my five brothers and your sister.

56:49 Hey, sure.

56:53 Oh.

56:53 Uh, I'm so sorry to have left you.

56:55 Uh, I trust you enjoyed your meal.

56:56 Yes, thank you.

56:57 I was The the casserole was really good, was it?

56:59 Well, it was adequate.

57:00 Oh, quite.

57:01 Yes, exactly.

57:01 I'm afraid our our chef at lunch today is not our regular.

57:04 Incidentally, I'm sorry about that poor chap choking himself like that.

57:07 I was wondering if you had a telephone, I might.

57:09 Oh, yes, please.

57:09 Don't know how he managed to do it, but uh Thank you.

57:12 Ah, there he is.

57:12 Good.

57:12 H Mr.

57:13 Hson, there you are.

57:14 What the f say about that bit of cheese

57:16 getting stuck in the old wind pipe like that.

57:17 Would you like to go in there and discuss it?

57:19 No, I'D PREFER TO COME IN here and discuss it.

57:21 Oh, fine.

57:22 I'm afraid it's a little BIT OF A MESS.

57:25 [laughter] WELL, THAT lie down seems to have done you some.

57:32 [laughter] [laughter] I'M NOT A VIOLENT MAN, MR.

57:43 FAULTY.

57:45 YES, you are.

57:45 No, no, I'm not.

57:46 NO, BUT WHEN I'M INSULTED AND AND THEN ATTACKED,

57:49 I PREFER TO RELY ON MY OWN METAL THAN CALL THE POLICE.

57:51 DO YOU DO?

57:52 YES, I DO.

57:52 NOW, STAND UP LIKE A MAN.

57:53 COME ON.

57:54 BIT OF TROUBLE WITH THE OLD LEG.

57:55 COME ON.

57:57 YEAH.

57:58 Look what I found.

57:59 Yes.

58:00 I I HOPE I'VE MADE MY POINT.

58:02 ABSOLUTELY.

58:02 YES.

58:02 I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT.

58:03 YES.

58:03 I would just like to say I would just like

58:05 to say that THIS HOTEL IS EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT AND BADLY RUN,

58:07 AND YOU ARE A VERY RUDE AND DISCOURTEOUS MAN, MR.

58:10 FAULTY.

58:10 [laughter]

58:11 I said something funny, Mr.

58:12 Faulty.

58:13 WELL, SORT OF PY.

58:14 REALLY?

58:14 OH, REALLY?

58:15 WELL, HERE'S THE PUNCH LINE.

58:18 I'M GOING to fetch my belongings, AND I DO NOT EXPECT TO RECEIVE a bill.

58:24 You've handled that then, have you, Bazer?

58:26 [laughter] Yes, dear.

58:28 Thank you.

58:29 Leave it to me.

58:31 Incidentally, I don't know if you'll realize,

58:32 but he's a regular customer of ours.

58:34 Oh, he loves it here.

58:35 It's his second home.

58:36 It's just that we always have to have this little I don't know why,

58:39 but he seems to like it.

58:40 [snorts]

58:41 Really?

58:41 I guess the only danger is though that somebody's going

58:42 to think he really isn't satisfied about something or the fighting's real,

58:46 you know, and tell somebody.

58:47 Won't mention it, will you?

58:48 We'd love to offer you dinner here tonight as our guest to show our gratitude.

58:51 What?

58:52 A dinner tonight?

58:53 Would you?

58:53 Would you?

58:53 No, I can't tonight.

58:55 Thank you.

58:55 Tomorrow night?

58:56 I should be leaving tomorrow.

58:57 I'm sorry.

58:59 All right.

58:59 £50 then.

59:01 Take your part.

59:02 £50.

59:03 Not to mention it.

59:05 £50?

59:05 60.

59:05 Not to write about it.

59:06 You know, I mean, articles, books, letters.

59:09 I'm afraid I really don't.

59:10 Oh, please.

59:11 It's fing us 12 years to build this place up.

59:13 Don't throw this in the book.

59:14 We're finished.

59:14 If you don't, please don't.

59:15 Book?

59:16 What book?

59:16 The hotel guy.

59:17 Oh, sorry.

59:17 I shouldn't mention it.

59:19 Oh, God.

59:22 [laughter] You've got me confused with someone else.

59:27 [laughter] I'm I'm nothing to do with any hotel guide.

59:32 I'm down here for the exhibition.

59:35 I sell outboard motors.

59:38 All right.

59:41 [laughter] You're not an inspect.

59:47 No.

59:47 Not on the side.

59:49 No.

59:49 Swear to God.

59:50 I tell you, I I have nothing to do with this.

59:52 Oh, thank you.

59:53 Oh, thank you so much.

59:55 I [laughter] don't know how I I can Thanks.

1:00:01 Thanks.

1:00:05 [clears throat]

1:00:07 26 bedrooms, 12 with private bathrooms.

1:00:10 Yes.

1:00:10 Well, why don't you have dinner here and Chris and I can try the Claremont.

1:00:13 Okay.

1:00:14 The owner's won bezel faulty.

1:00:19 Please Mr.

1:00:20 Fy want to say adios.

1:00:22 He wants TO [laughter] SEE.

1:00:32 [laughter] [laughter] So you can't do the lobster.

1:00:42 No.

1:00:42 Right.

1:00:43 Right.

1:00:43 I see.

1:00:43 But but but Andre the tornadoes.

1:00:45 Yes.

1:00:45 I'm sorry.

1:00:46 I'm sorry.

1:00:46 I'm sorry.

1:00:48 Sh.

1:00:48 Shh.

1:00:48 Yes, of course I want the duck.

1:00:49 That's marvelous.

1:00:50 But I mean, c can you do one OR TWO SAUCES?

1:00:53 WONDERFUL.

1:00:54 THAT'S IT.

1:00:54 THANK YOU.

1:00:54 THANK YOU, ANDRE.

1:00:55 ARE YOU TALKING TO ANDRE?

1:00:57 WHAT IS IT?

1:00:57 WHAT IS IT?

1:00:58 WE NEED SOME WATER.

1:00:59 WELL, STOLE THEM.

1:00:59 STOLE THEM.

1:01:00 WHAT?

1:01:00 STOLE THEM, YOU STUPID WOMAN.

1:01:01 TELL THEM SOME LIES.

1:01:03 WHAT'S HAPPENING?

1:01:04 SHH.

1:01:05 You can't tell me what you're doing.

1:01:06 We got to change the manual.

1:01:09 Why?

1:01:09 Why?

1:01:10 WHY?

1:01:11 LISTEN, HE'S HE'S OUT THERE.

1:01:12 HE'S OUT.

1:01:12 HE'S FLAT OUT.

1:01:13 SO, ANDRE IS

1:01:14 WHO IS

1:01:16 WHAT?

1:01:15 WHO IS OUT?

1:01:16 KURT, WHO DO YOU THINK?

1:01:17 HENRY KISSINGER.

1:01:20 WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUT?

1:01:21 HE'S DRUNK.

1:01:24 DRUNK.

1:01:23 DRUNK.

1:01:23 S POTTED.

1:01:24 INEBRIATED.

1:01:25 GOT IT.

1:01:26 I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

1:01:26 NEITHER DO I.

1:01:28 PERHAPS IT'S A DREAM.

1:01:31 NO, IT'S NOT A DREAM.

1:01:32 WE'RE STUCK WITH IT.

1:01:33 RIGHT.

1:01:34 [laughter] I'm doing the cookies are COLLECTED IN THE CAR.

1:01:37 WHAT'S HE COOKING?

1:01:38 DUCK.

1:01:39 DUCK.

1:01:39 DUCK.

1:01:41 DUCK.

1:01:40 NO.

1:01:40 DUCK.

1:01:49 [laughter] I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.

1:01:51 Well, we'd like to order now.

1:01:53 Yes, quite.

1:01:54 Um,

1:01:54 my wife would like the lobster as her menu.

1:01:56 Yes.

1:01:57 Excuse me.

1:01:58 There is one small thing.

1:02:00 I'm afraid you were given the wrong menus.

1:02:02 Uh, this is tonight's menu.

1:02:06 What?

1:02:06 Uh, yes.

1:02:06 I'm afraid the chef changed his mind and forgot to tell us.

1:02:09 He's like that.

1:02:10 Brilliant, but temperamental.

1:02:12 WHAT?

1:02:12 HE'S CHANGED EVERYTHING.

1:02:13 I'M AFRAID SO.

1:02:14 YES.

1:02:14 IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH, SO HE JUST CHUCKED it away.

1:02:16 He's such a perfectionist.

1:02:17 The lobster.

1:02:18 Lobster, tornado, you name it, it's in THE BIN.

1:02:22 EXTRAORDINARY.

1:02:21 YES.

1:02:21 Lucky old bin, I say.

1:02:23 SO, UH, THIS IS YOUR NEW MENU.

1:02:25 Duck with orange.

1:02:26 Duck with cherries.

1:02:29 Duck surprise.

1:02:31 [laughter] What's duck surprise?

1:02:33 Uh, that's duck without orange or cherries.

1:02:36 [laughter]

1:02:37 I mean, is this all there is?

1:02:38 Duck.

1:02:39 Um, yes.

1:02:40 It's done, of course, the three extremely different ways.

1:02:43 And what do you do if you don't like duck?

1:02:45 Uh, well, if you don't like duck, uh, you're rather stuck.

1:02:49 [laughter]

1:02:51 Fortunately, I LOVE IT.

1:02:52 OH, GOOD.

1:02:53 SO, UH, THAT'S FOUR DUCKS, IS IT?

1:03:06 Come on.

1:03:11 Come on.

1:03:22 I'm just a girl who can't say no.

1:03:25 I'm in a terrible fix.

1:03:47 ON YOU VICIOUS BASTARD.

1:03:54 COME ON.

1:03:54 [laughter] Oh my god.

1:03:57 I'm holding you if you don't stop.

1:04:01 I'LL COUNT TO THREE.

1:04:03 ONE, TWO, THREE.

1:04:06 RIGHT.

1:04:07 That's it.

1:04:08 [laughter] YOU'VE TRIED IT ON JUST ONCE TOO OFTEN.

1:04:12 RIGHT.

1:04:12 WELL, DON'T SAY I HAVE WARNED YOU.

1:04:15 I'VE LAID IT ON THE LINE TO YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

1:04:18 RIGHT.

1:04:19 Well done.

1:04:19 This is it.

1:04:19 [laughter] I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD TRASHY.

1:04:31 [laughter]

1:04:33 I can't be pretty and quaint.

1:04:36 How can I be what I ain't?

1:04:39 I can't say no.

1:04:46 [cheering] [laughter] Very good.

1:04:51 Uh any any sign of the duck?

1:04:55 Oh, it's it's just coming.

1:05:03 [laughter]

1:05:05 So, Uncle Ted comes in with his crate of brown ale and [laughter] AND MAMA SAYS,

1:05:12 "OH, TED, LOOK who's here." And he says, "Okay, Polly, OKAY, GOT THE SAUCES."

1:05:20 GOT THEM RIGHT, ladies and gentlemen.

1:05:27 So sorry to catch you waiting.

1:05:39 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] Well, uh, WHO'S FOR TRIFLE?

1:05:59 WHAT A trifle for you, Mrs.

1:06:00 Hall.

1:06:02 [laughter] What about [snorts] the duck?

1:06:04 40.

1:06:08 [laughter]

1:06:09 Ducks off.

1:06:10 Sorry, ARE THESE GERMANS, TOO?

1:06:13 OH, YES, BUT I CAN DO.

1:06:14 RIGHT.

1:06:14 RIGHT.

1:06:15 HERE'S THE PLAN.

1:06:16 I'LL stand there and ask them if they want something to drink BEFORE THE WAR.

1:06:20 BEFORE THEY LUNCH.

1:06:21 [laughter] Don't mention the war.

1:06:33 [laughter] Can we help you?

1:06:40 [laughter] Oh, you speak English?

1:06:43 OF COURSE.

1:06:44 AH, WONDERFUL.

1:06:45 VUNDERA.

1:06:46 AH, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

1:06:48 I AM THE OWNER of Faulty Towers.

1:06:51 AND MAY I WELCOME YOUR WAR?

1:06:53 YOUR WAR?

1:06:53 YOU WAR?

1:06:54 you [laughter] and hope that your stay will be a happy one.

1:06:59 Now, would you like to eat first or WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK BEFORE THE WAR?

1:07:03 NING THAT OUR TRESPASSES WILL BE TIED UP WITH PIANO.

1:07:07 SORRY.

1:07:08 SORRY.

1:07:09 THE OLD GO SUCH A shrapnel in THE WAR.

1:07:12 KOREAN.

1:07:13 KOREAN.

1:07:14 WELL, SORRY.

1:07:14 KOREAN.

1:07:16 Thank you.

1:07:16 We will eat now.

1:07:17 OH, GOOD.

1:07:18 PLEASE DO ALLOW ME.

1:07:19 MAY I say how pleased we are to have

1:07:20 some Europeans here now that we are on the continent?

1:07:23 Can I speak to Dr.

1:07:24 Finn, please?

1:07:26 I didn't vote for it myself, quite honestly,

1:07:27 but now that we're in, I'm determined to make it work.

1:07:29 So, I'd like to welcome you all to Britain.

1:07:31 The place is grilled, but that doesn't matter.

1:07:33 There's life in the old thing yet.

1:07:34 Wait a moment.

1:07:34 Got a [laughter] bit confused there.

1:07:35 Oh, yes.

1:07:36 The place is grilled.

1:07:37 In fact, the whole room's a bit warm, isn't it?

1:07:38 I'll open the window.

1:07:39 Have a look.

1:07:40 And the ve chop is done with rosemary.

1:07:43 It's funny.

1:07:44 Thought you gone to Canada.

1:07:46 And is delicious and nutritious.

1:07:48 In fact, it's really good.

1:07:50 Really good.

1:07:52 The wheel is good.

1:07:53 Yes.

1:07:53 Doesn't matter.

1:07:53 Doesn't matter.

1:07:54 Never mind.

1:07:54 May we have two ex mayes?

1:07:57 Certainly.

1:07:57 Why not?

1:07:58 Why not indeed?

1:07:58 We are all friends now.

1:08:00 A porn cocktail.

1:08:01 All in the market together.

1:08:03 All differences forgotten.

1:08:04 And no need at all to mention the war.

1:08:06 Sorry.

1:08:07 Sorry.

1:08:07 What was it?

1:08:08 A porn cocktail.

1:08:09 Oh, prawn.

1:08:10 That was it.

1:08:10 When you said prawn, I THOUGHT YOU SAID WAR.

1:08:13 OH.

1:08:13 OH, THE WAR.

1:08:14 OH, YES.

1:08:15 COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND.

1:08:16 YES.

1:08:16 I'VE FORGOTTEN all about Hitler, Himler, and all that.

1:08:19 Oh, yes.

1:08:19 completely forgotten it just like that.

1:08:23 Sorry, what was it again?

1:08:24 A porn cocktail.

1:08:25 Oh, yes.

1:08:26 Eva prawn.

1:08:26 Yes.

1:08:27 First and gles, too.

1:08:28 I can't hardly remember at all.

1:08:30 And I'm pickled hank.

1:08:31 Herman gory.

1:08:32 Yes.

1:08:32 Yes.

1:08:32 And ribbon chops.

1:08:34 That was another one.

1:08:35 And four cold meat salads, please.

1:08:37 Certainly.

1:08:37 Well, I'll just get your orders which must be a times without question.

1:08:44 Sorry.

1:08:44 Sorry.

1:08:45 Will you please call YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY?

1:08:47 SIMOL.

1:08:48 ZIB.

1:08:48 SHE'S IN THE HOSPITAL, YOU SILLY GIRL.

1:08:51 YES, HOLD HER THERE.

1:08:52 I CAN'T.

1:08:52 I'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO.

1:08:53 LISTEN, DON'T mention the war.

1:08:54 I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

1:08:57 All right.

1:08:58 SO, IT'S ALL FORGOTTEN NOW AND LET'S HEAR no more about it.

1:09:01 So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn gerbles,

1:09:04 a Herman Goring, and four cold sets.

1:09:06 [laughter] Oh,

1:09:07 wait a minute.

1:09:07 I got a bit confused here.

1:09:08 Sorry.

1:09:09 I got a bit confused cuz everyone keeps [snorts] mentioning the war.

1:09:11 So, could you What's [laughter] the matter?

1:09:13 It's all right.

1:09:14 Is there something wrong?

1:09:16 Will you stop talking about the war?

1:09:18 Me?

1:09:18 You started it?

1:09:19 We did not start it.

1:09:21 Yes, YOU DID.

1:09:21 YOU INVADED POLAND.

1:09:22 YEAH.

1:09:24 YEAH.

1:09:25 YEAH.

1:09:26 YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE.

1:09:27 THERE'S THIS WOMAN.

1:09:27 SHE'S COMPLETELY STUPID.

1:09:29 SHE'D NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING.

1:09:30 AND HER HUSBAND'S IN A BOMBER OVER BERLIN.

1:09:33 OH, SORRY.

1:09:34 SORRY.

1:09:35 YEAH.

1:09:35 YEAH.

1:09:35 SHE'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

1:09:36 SHE'LL LAUGH AT LEAVE HER ALONE.

1:09:38 NO, THIS IS A SCREAM.

1:09:38 I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE NOT LAUGH AT THIS.

1:09:41 LOOK, SHE'LL LOVE IT.

1:09:42 SHE'S GERMAN.

1:09:44 NO, MR.

1:09:45 WHAT?

1:09:46 DO JIMMY KAGNY INSTEAD?

1:09:48 WHAT?

1:09:48 JIMMY KAGNY.

1:09:49 JIMMY KAGNY?

1:09:50 NO.

1:09:50 NO.

1:09:50 YO, DADDY R.

1:09:51 I CAN'T DO JIMMY KAGNY.

1:09:53 PLEASE TRY.

1:09:54 I'M GOING TO GET YOU.

1:09:55 SHUT UP.

1:09:56 OKAY.

1:09:56 WATCH.

1:09:57 WHO'S THIS THEN?

1:09:59 YOU I'll give you anymore.

1:10:07 [applause and cheering] Oh, no.

1:10:17 No, no, no.

1:10:24 [laughter]

1:10:39 No, no, there aren't any major.

1:10:40 It went off by accident.

1:10:42 Oh, come on and join us.

1:10:43 Oh, thank you.

1:10:44 THANK YOU SO MUCH.

1:10:47 FIRE.

1:10:47 FIRE.

1:10:48 NO.

1:10:48 NO.

1:10:50 YES.

1:10:50 LOOK.

1:10:50 WILL YOU GET BACK IN THERE?

1:10:55 Shut up.

1:10:55 I mean, JUST JUST GET ON WITH THE VOICE.

1:10:57 MR.

1:10:57 B IS FIRE.

1:10:58 DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

1:11:00 NO, BUT HE'S FIRED.

1:11:01 HE'S NO FIRE.

1:11:01 HE'S ONLY DRILLED.

1:11:03 IT'S FIRE.

1:11:10 FIRE UPSET.

1:11:12 NO MAN WILL LISTEN to none and there is no fire.

1:11:20 Well, I'll keep the fire department happy for another 6 MONTHS OF WHY WE BO.

1:11:27 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

1:11:29 Come back in now.

1:11:30 Oh, that's never had it.

1:11:35 Shut up.

1:11:37 Yes, I will.

1:11:39 HAVE YOU TOLD ABOUT CHEDDAR?

1:11:42 MR.

1:11:42 YES, THIS IS AN AWFUL.

1:11:44 YES, I KNOW.

1:11:44 IT'S A RIGHT [applause and cheering] RIGHT.

1:11:46 THANK YOU.

1:11:47 THANK YOU SO much for talking AND NOSING THIS.

1:11:56 [laughter] RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

1:12:00 UH, COULD I HAVE EVERYONE DOWN HERE IN THE LOBBY AGAIN?

1:12:04 SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, BUT there is something that I THINK I OUGHT TO MENTION.

1:12:10 UM, I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW THIS HAS BEEN HERE AT THIS HOTEL BEFORE,

1:12:16 AND I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW IT'S STARTED NOW.

1:12:18 WHAT IS IT?

1:12:19 WELL, UH, THE POINT IS, UH, UH, CAN I PUT IT THIS WAY?

1:12:22 UM, [clears throat] WHAT?

1:12:27 FIRE.

1:12:38 FIRE.

1:12:39 FIRE.

1:12:42 WHAT?

1:12:43 Leave me alone.

1:12:43 LEAVE ME ALONE.

1:12:44 RIGHT.

1:12:44 RIGHT.

1:12:47 WHERE'S THE KEY?

1:12:48 WHERE IS THE I MEAN, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

1:12:49 I MEAN, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

1:12:51 FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER HAD A FIRE HERE IN THIS HOTEL AND SOMEBODY'S LOST THE KEY.

1:12:56 AND ISN'T THAT TYPICAL OF THIS PLACE?

1:12:58 OH, THANK YOU, GOD.

1:12:59 THANK YOU SO BLOODY MUCH.

1:13:02 [laughter] [laughter] HELLO.

1:13:16 THANK YOU.

1:13:30 PULL.

1:13:30 PULL.

1:13:30 DAD.

1:13:31 PULL.

1:13:32 GUYS, OPEN THE DOOR.