Most Hilarious Moments in Season 2: Part 1 | 2 Broke Girls

0:00 I have one question.

0:02 Do you want to live?

0:03 Actually, today I could go either way.

0:05 You see this?

0:07 Go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse.

0:10 And if you do, nobody gets hurt.

0:12 Okay.

0:12 Okay.

0:12 Okay.

0:13 But uh I don't know how much you're going to collect here.

0:15 I mean, most of these customers pay

0:16 with coins or fresh tomatoes from their garden.

0:20 Uh Earl, listen up.

0:21 We're being robbed by that man in the suit,

0:23 and he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag.

0:26 Uh Max, I've been on both sides of this situation.

0:32 And the best thing to do is play along.

0:37 Okay, Caroline, I'm going to tell you something, and I don't want you to react.

0:41 I knew you were going to get pregnant.

0:43 Damn it.

0:45 All right, fine.

0:46 We'll get through this together.

0:48 No, look.

0:49 We're being robbed, and that guy in the suit might have a gun.

0:52 No, no, no.

0:53 Just do what I say and stay calm.

0:55 I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.

0:58 I can't believe this is happening just when I saved $2.

1:03 Max, I can't die.

1:05 And I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform.

1:07 I mean, it looks good on you.

1:13 Are you having a heart attack?

1:16 I'm peeing.

1:20 What do you mean?

1:21 I'm really freaked out and I'm peeing.

1:25 I can't stop.

1:26 Just stop.

1:27 Stop.

1:28 Clench it.

1:29 Okay.

1:30 Nope.

1:30 Can't step out from behind the counter.

1:35 Sorry.

1:35 Sir, I can't.

1:38 Why?

1:37 Well, um, I'm peeing.

1:42 Still.

1:42 Out of the way, girls.

1:43 I'll take down this.

1:47 Get away from him.

1:49 Miss, you need to get out from behind the COUNTER NOW BEFORE I

1:51 PLEASE TAKE HER.

1:52 NOT ME.

1:54 What's happening, HAN?

1:55 WE'RE BEING ROBBED.

1:57 So sorry.

1:58 Please take everything that is in my manip.

2:03 Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out?

2:06 They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of

2:10 I don't think so, homeboy.

2:18 You're in my house now,[ __] WE CAN do

2:24 our sweet potato mash cupcake with peanut molasses drizzle.

2:28 Gumbo cupcake.

2:29 Gumbo cupcake.

2:31 What are we going to do?

2:33 I don't know.

2:34 What are you looking at?

2:36 A camera.

2:38 New Orleans.

2:39 New Orleans.

2:40 WE GOT THIS.

2:40 GUMBLE CUPCAKES.

2:42 Good luck, Caroline.

2:43 Stop it, Max.

2:44 What's wrong with you?

2:45 It's happening.

2:47 We're the Dum Dums.

2:48 We are not the Dum Dums.

2:50 I went to Wharton.

2:52 All we have to do is pick three ingredients

2:55 and WE'RE READY TO POP THEM IN THE OVEN.

2:58 HOW CAN THEY ALREADY be going in the oven?

3:00 Oh, that gives me an idea.

3:01 What?

3:01 Put me in the oven.

3:04 Okay.

3:04 Okay.

3:04 We just have to start.

3:05 It'll come to us.

3:06 Bring it all.

3:07 Just my luck to get soul food when I don't even have a soul.

3:11 NEW ORLEANS.

3:12 NEW ORLEANS.

3:13 WE GOT THIS.

3:14 CUPCAKES.

3:15 THAT IS NOT catching on.

3:18 So, what are you thinking, Max?

3:20 New Orleans.

3:21 New Orleans.

3:21 I was wrong.

3:22 It is catching on.

3:24 Stop thinking that.

3:24 Start thinking about the ingredients while I do the baking.

3:27 I've seen you do it a million times.

3:28 We just need milk.

3:29 Right, Max?

3:30 We got this.

3:31 Gumble cupcakes.

3:33 Here's the milk.

3:34 So, I'll just pour this milk into this mixer.

3:38 It looks like I'm baking, RIGHT, MAX?

3:40 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

3:41 IT'S FLOODING.

3:42 IT'S FLOODING.

3:43 OH, GREAT.

3:44 YOU SAID FLOODING.

3:45 WHAT'S NEXT?

3:45 FEMA Super Dome.

3:47 This is a disaster.

3:48 We are the WORST TEAM EVER.

3:50 WE are not.

3:51 What are you doing?

3:52 Putting shrimp in my pocket to take home.

3:54 We got to get something out of this.

3:56 Just start tasting this stuff so we can figure out what we're making.

4:00 IT TASTES LIKE A FOOT.

4:03 And now I'm using some flour.

4:05 We use flour when we bake.

4:07 Right, Max?

4:09 Oh, that hot.

4:11 Oh, that's too hot.

4:12 That is hot AS THE DEVIL'S ASS.

4:15 OH, MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE.

4:16 Where's that foot thing?

4:20 Move over.

4:20 I'll help you.

4:21 What is this?

4:23 It's vanilla.

4:24 It's sweet, Max.

4:25 It's sweet.

4:25 Now we just have to pick something else.

4:27 There.

4:28 Ham.

4:29 We're making a VANILLA HAM CUPCAKE.

4:30 THAT'S IT.

4:31 VANILLA HAM.

4:32 You're a vanilla ham.

4:34 GOOD.

4:35 INSULT ME.

4:36 YES.

4:36 YOU'RE COMING OUT OF IT, MAX.

4:37 Here we go.

4:38 We're not going anywhere.

4:39 I'm on my show and I'm losing.

4:41 Forget we're on the show.

4:42 Pretend we're in the diner and Oleg is stoned and we have all

4:46 these ingredients and we just got slammed with people who all want cupcakes.

4:49 What do you tell me to do?

4:50 Well, first I tell you to leave so I could get stoned with Oleg.

4:55 Okay, if I was stoned, what would I know about soul food?

5:00 Ludacris is always talking about how much he loves waffles with chicken.

5:04 CHICKEN AND WAFFLE CUPCAKE.

5:05 YES, CHICKEN WAFFLES.

5:07 YOU BETTER WATCH IT, GIRLS.

5:08 HERE COMES CHICKEN and waffles from Big Boobs and tryh hard.

5:11 And as Ludicrous would say, move,[ __] Get out the way.

5:15 Let's go, girl.

5:16 We got to bring it.

5:16 WE GOT TO SHUT THIS DOWN.

5:17 We are bringing our agame.

5:19 It's time to put our cupcake business ON THE MAP.

5:21 WE GOT THIS.

5:22 OH MY GOD.

5:22 I SAID them all.

5:25 Empty the mixer.

5:26 We still have time.

5:35 Look at the blonde dum dum.

5:38 OH, what's that funky ass smell?

5:40 They finally sell pepperoni for breeze.

5:44 Max, this already isn't working.

5:46 The stinky salami, the goddy chandelier.

5:49 It's like a haunted quiznosse in here.

5:52 Hey, I'm sending Orlic to Queens to pick up a flat of fresca.

5:58 There's nothing better with a hogy than an ice cold Frasa.

6:03 That's what I wanted.

6:04 Look,

6:06 that go GREAT WITH THE PICKLED EGGS.

6:12 This just went from my dream to a nightmare.

6:15 Oh my god, Caroline.

6:16 IT IS YOU, STACY.

6:18 NO WAY.

6:19 I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE GRADUATION.

6:20 We went to Wharton together.

6:22 This girl is a genius.

6:24 Always top of the class.

6:26 So, what are you doing here?

6:27 Buying a cupcake anyway to run in the world?

6:30 No, I own this shop.

6:33 Oh, you own this little cupcake shop and many other bigger shops.

6:39 This is our new Williamsburg location.

6:42 And yes, I know the chandelier is all wrong.

6:44 I told the designer none of our Pacific

6:46 Northwest locations will have the chandeliers.

6:48 Of course, you'd own a Cupcake Empire 25.

6:52 Oh, and uh this is Max.

6:54 Hi.

6:55 I just transferred from our Boise location.

7:00 What's that horrible smell?

7:03 It's something called a hogi.

7:05 The workers like them, right, Max?

7:08 See?

7:08 Gracias.

7:09 Poor La Hogies.

7:13 Well, I have to go.

7:14 I'm consulting upstairs at BBDNL.

7:16 Oh, upstairs.

7:18 Yeah.

7:18 Always knew you'd land on your feet.

7:20 Let's go for drinks.

7:21 And your pan mogul.

7:26 I hope she likes water.

7:28 So, if this is Candy Andy Sweets and Treats, are you Candy Andy?

7:33 Oh, please.

7:33 We hardly know each other.

7:34 Call me Candrew Andrew.

7:38 I'm Caroline and this is Max.

7:40 Max, say something.

7:42 Can't.

7:42 It's all too wonderful.

7:46 Look at all the candy crammed in this little space.

7:49 It's like we're inside Willy Wonka's colon.

7:54 Thanks.

7:54 You know, it's kind of the look I was going for, too.

7:57 And I know it's accurate because I had the Oompa Loompas help me.

8:00 They were expensive, but what are you going to do?

8:04 Normally, I'd ring the bell after something that golden,

8:06 but I don't want to scare you.

8:08 Well, now I have to hear the bell.

8:12 Now, that's all I want to hear.

8:15 Do you do free samples?

8:16 You do, by the way.

8:19 Let me hook you guys up on the house.

8:22 Marry this guy right now.

8:24 Small store.

8:25 Can hear you.

8:28 Good.

8:28 Move things along faster.

8:30 Hey, come by the Williamsburg Diner sometime.

8:32 We work there.

8:32 We'll give you free samples of food you shouldn't have to pay for anyway.

8:37 So, what brings you into this neighborhood?

8:39 Oh, we were having lunch at the This is a really adorable feast.

8:44 Thank you.

8:45 You know, candy is my passion.

8:47 Yeah, I said it.

8:48 Always has been.

8:49 Even as a kid, I would have my G.I.

8:51 Joe sell sweet tarts to my Transformers.

8:55 Gumdrops, gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy hot dogs, gummy pizza.

8:59 Oh, I just had a gummy gasm.

9:03 So, what was your favorite candy as a kid?

9:05 Actually, I didn't eat a lot of candy as a child.

9:08 Okay, I'm going to overlook that because you're pretty,

9:10 but maybe we could talk about your terrible childhood over coffee sometime.

9:17 Yeah,

9:19 I'd leave you two alone if this place wasn't filled with candy.

9:22 Okay.

9:22 So, what's your favorite flavor?

9:25 Coconut.

9:25 And I'm walking to the seas.

9:27 The candies alphabetical.

9:29 Now I'm marrying you, too.

9:32 See, coconut watermelon slice.

9:34 How's that sound?

9:35 Um, not so good.

9:36 Actually, please don't say anything more about candy.

9:39 Is it hot in here?

9:41 No, it's awesome in here.

9:44 Boston baked beans.

9:45 Didn't know there weren't real beans level 20.

9:49 Please stop.

9:51 Is it cold in here?

9:52 Is it hot and cold in here?

9:55 Max, I feel weird.

9:56 Relax.

9:57 It's just your lady parts waking up from hibernation.

10:02 Again, small store can hear everything.

10:07 I am so sorry.

10:08 Pardon me.

10:09 Oh.

10:09 Uh, you okay?

10:10 I'm fine, Max.

10:14 I am not fine.

10:15 I'm going to BE SLOPPY JOANNE IN about two seconds.

10:19 tiny tiny store.

10:20 Um, do you need to USE THE NO, WE'RE FINE.

10:23 WE'LL JUST BE GOING.

10:24 Nice to meet you.

10:26 Nope, I'm not going to make it.

10:27 WHERE IS I'm sure she'll be all right.

10:38 What happened there?

10:39 Right.

10:42 Feeling better.

10:50 Martha Stewart, please.

10:52 It's Michelle Obama.

10:55 What's this about?

10:56 My sheep shrunk and I am pissed.

11:01 Hello, Max.

11:03 It didn't work when you were MC Jagger with a busted

11:05 muffin tin or Alicia Keys with a wonky shower curtain.

11:10 And it really didn't work when you were Steve Jobs

11:13 back from the dead with thoughts on her panini press.

11:16 Stop sober dialing Martha Stewart who says I'm sober.

11:20 Max, give me your phone.

11:29 Now give me my phone.

11:30 Okay, take it.

11:31 Done.

11:31 I'm over her.

11:33 When is she going to call me?

11:34 My milkshake would totally bring her to the yard.

11:38 Max, this isn't you.

11:40 I mean, you're strong.

11:41 You're a badass.

11:42 You beat HPV with Tylenol.

11:45 And it wasn't even the name brand.

11:48 What's wrong with you?

11:49 I was a virgin before Martha.

11:50 Okay.

11:51 No one ever told me I was good at anything before her.

11:53 And you never forget your first rich white woman.

11:56 With or without Martha Stewart,

11:58 we're going to build our cupcake business and be a success.

12:00 I just know it.

12:01 How?

12:02 How do you know that?

12:03 I know because you have the talent.

12:05 I have the vision.

12:06 And because I feel it.

12:07 I feel IT HERE.

12:09 OH, your heart.

12:11 No, my pearls.

12:13 My lucky pearls.

12:14 By lucky, do you mean ugly?

12:17 I've worn these every day since I was evicted from my townhouse.

12:20 This pearl necklace brings me luck.

12:23 You think your life is lucky?

12:26 This morning, you used toilet paper as a coffee

12:29 filter and then used it as toilet paper.

12:34 I know this sounds silly to you,

12:35 but there is something about putting on these pearls

12:37 every day that makes me feel strong,

12:40 confident, and like anything is possible.

12:42 And as long as I have these lucky Oh no.

12:50 Oh no.

12:51 No.

12:51 Don't freak out.

12:52 Don't freak out.

12:52 We'll get them.

12:55 Oh no.

12:57 My pearls.

12:58 MY LUCKY PEARLS.

12:59 YES.

12:59 YES.

13:00 WE HAVE IDENTIFIED THE PROBLEM.

13:01 JUST PICK THEM UP.

13:12 Looks like somebody found breakfast.

13:14 No, chestnut.

13:17 I'm still using that.

13:19 Well, nothing's going to work out now.

13:21 Here comes the bad luck.

13:22 Don't be ridiculous.

13:23 Your luck couldn't get any worse.

13:34 Or could it?

13:39 Oh, look at this cage.

13:40 I think my mom used to dance in it.

13:45 Here they are.

13:46 These are the ones I had the guy hold for us.

13:47 Only $600 for all of them.

13:50 What do you think, Daddy?

13:51 I like them, doll.

13:52 Wrap them up.

13:54 And can daddy get something he wants?

13:57 So cute over the counter.

13:59 And that way when I'm hung over and taking a nap,

14:01 people can still find the cupcakes.

14:04 We can have Ruth clean it and then paint and reupholster these.

14:07 By the way, where is she?

14:08 She was supposed to be here an hour ago.

14:10 Text her and find out where she is.

14:12 Why are you so interested in where she is?

14:14 What she's doing?

14:15 Are you obsessed with her?

14:17 Max, I don't want to make a purse out of her skin.

14:19 I just want her to do her job.

14:21 Never mind.

14:22 I'll just text her.

14:23 Well, be careful.

14:24 Don't delete any of my penis with a hat pictures.

14:27 Even if I did, it's not a big deal.

14:28 Oleg will always pose again.

14:31 Yeah, but I'll never get that little pilgrim hat back.

14:34 Where are you?

14:35 We needed you here yesterday.

14:38 All in caps, cuz bosses talk in caps.

14:40 Total tool.

14:44 Look at that.

14:44 Texted right back cuz I'm the boss.

14:47 She says yesterday was super hard,

14:50 so she's not feeling great and she can't come in today.

14:53 That's it.

14:54 She's fired.

14:55 Here, you have to fire her.

14:57 She said she was sick.

14:59 Nasty.

15:00 She's not sick.

15:02 She's just taking advantage cuz you're too friendly with her.

15:04 She works for us.

15:06 Yeah, for free.

15:08 Why don't you just hollow her out and live inside of her, you monster?

15:14 Um, I don't think we were supposed to get this.

15:18 The dumb one wants me to pick up all this crappy furniture, right?

15:22 As if I'll be at the bar in 10.

15:25 Order me a bellini.

15:27 Who's the monster now?

15:28 She just called you the dumb one.

15:30 Uh, she called you the dumb one.

15:33 It's your phone.

15:34 You're the dumb one.

15:35 She knows I don't talk in caps.

15:37 So that's to you.

15:38 You're the dumb one.

15:39 Fire her.

15:39 No, you fire her.

15:40 No, you fire her.

15:41 No, you hired her.

15:42 You fire her.

15:43 I wanted to go with Molly big boobs.

15:45 She'd be here right now with four chairs on each boob.

15:49 Why can't you just fire her?

15:50 It's clear she called you the dumb one.

15:52 All right, fine.

15:53 I know she called me THE DUMB ONE, BUT I CAN'T FIRE HER.

15:56 I want to, but there's a block right here.

15:58 It comes up and then goes, "NOPE." IT GOES RIGHT BACK DOWN.

16:02 I AM NOT supposed to fire someone.

16:05 I am the someone who's supposed to be fired.

16:08 So, I guess I'm the boss then.

16:10 Sounds like a plan.

16:11 I'll be in my mom's cage.

16:15 All right.

16:15 Come on, you lowly worker.

16:17 Help the boss pull these chairs out.

16:19 Don't yell at me, boss.

16:20 I'm blocked.

16:22 Wish you had your enemas now, don't you?

16:29 THEY FOLLOWED US.

16:30 WE WALKED INTO A TRAP.

16:31 IT'S A VENDETTA.

16:33 OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

16:34 OUR INTERN'S OUT HAVING COCKTAILS AND I'M TRAPPED ON TOP OF RAT MOUNTAIN.

16:38 HE'S COMING AFTER ME.

16:42 OH MY GOD.

16:44 THAT'S HELP.

16:45 NO, YOU BASTARDS.

16:47 GET OFF HER.

16:51 GET UP.

16:52 MY FOOT'S GOT OUT OF THE THING.

17:02 MAX, that was amazing.

17:04 YOU JUST LIFTED THAT GIANT THING UP WITH ONE HAND.

17:07 I know.

17:08 And now I'M GOING TO FIRE THAT[ __] OH, ACTUALLY, I need two.

17:14 One for me and one for my friend Zoe Des Chanel.

17:19 What?

17:19 You look like her.

17:21 Everybody does.

17:22 It's the least expensive look you can do and still get laid.

17:26 A lot of this is from storage.

17:27 I haven't seen it in years.

17:29 Wow.

17:30 You had all these closets and no one in your family is gay.

17:34 Look, it's the Louis the 16th I used to have in my playroom.

17:38 My cousin Peter and I used to climb in here and play French Revolution.

17:42 I'd be Marian Tuned and he'd help me put my hair up in a high shyong.

17:46 Oh, now I'm feeling bad for his wife.

17:51 So, where do you think the cup is?

17:52 Let's look over there.

17:55 Oh, this is from the summer house.

17:58 Max, you know the expression born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

18:03 This is mine.

18:05 Miss, do not handle that.

18:06 I'm asking you to put it down right now.

18:08 Hey, you might want to relax the attitude.

18:10 You really think my friend Jennifer Love Huitt,

18:14 international movie and Lifetime Channel superstar, is going to steal you spoon?

18:19 Sorry, I didn't recognize you.

18:22 Now I see it.

18:24 I thought I was so de Chanel.

18:26 601.

18:27 All you Hollywood brunettes look alike.

18:30 The auction is starting, ladies and gentlemen.

18:33 Hi, Max.

18:34 I'm so excited to be here.

18:37 Oh, hello, Caroline.

18:39 Sophie, I apologize for the other day.

18:42 I was really tense and I didn't mean it.

18:44 I think you have a unique sense of style.

18:46 You do so much with so little fabric.

18:50 Hi, Darl.

18:53 And I see you took my advice and got Polish Vogue.

18:58 How nice is this?

19:00 We are finally on a romantic date.

19:02 We just came from lunch at Rainbow Room and I'm wearing my best feel track suit.

19:07 Yeah.

19:08 Now he's going to buy me something golden.

19:11 Yeah.

19:11 I want to be covered in gold.

19:13 I want a golden shower.

19:20 Let's see.

19:20 If I was a loving cup, where would I be?

19:23 Some place with a lot of cash shoved up inside you.

19:26 How much do you think is in there?

19:27 Well, let's see.

19:28 The wooden base of the cup is about this big.

19:30 And I know you can get 20,000 in an Altoids tin.

19:33 And this is about three times that size.

19:35 So 60,000.

19:38 $60,000.

19:41 That's like a million dollar.

19:45 So I could have $60,000 in an hour.

19:47 Well, we we could have it.

19:51 Did I say I?

19:51 How weird.

19:56 Hey, come on in.

19:59 Hey girls, how you doing?

20:02 Darius the hilarious is pumped.

20:04 I'm totally in my zone right now and I can't miss in this suit.

20:11 Well, Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.

20:13 You know, we're big fans.

20:15 Big big fan.

20:15 You're amazing.

20:16 Your act's incredible.

20:17 You're Darius the hilarious.

20:18 Max and I love the smart car stuff.

20:20 It's hilarious per your name.

20:22 But while it is New York, not a lot of people are smart or have cars.

20:26 Yeah, you know New York not exactly the cutting edge.

20:28 So, after Max and I left you, we had a thought.

20:30 We got you a puppet.

20:33 And yes, I was stoned, but Caroline was laughing just as hard as me.

20:39 Got me a what?

20:40 A puppet.

20:41 We got you a puppet.

20:42 But I don't use a puppet until you do.

20:46 Just imagine at the end of your act or in the beginning or all the way through.

20:50 Ladies and gentlemen, Darius the Hilarious and his partner Justin Bieber.

20:59 Damn, girl.

21:00 And I mean, damn, as in I built one.

21:06 And you don't even have to be funny cuz Justin Bieber does the work for you.

21:10 Show him, Max.

21:13 I'm straight.

21:17 You got to laugh.

21:20 Do I?

21:22 I mean, honestly, making fun of Justin Bieber sexuality,

21:26 I find that a tad offensive.

21:34 THIS NEXT ACT COMES TO US FROM THE MOTOR CITY.

21:37 PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR MR.

21:38 DARIUS THE HILARIOUS.

21:45 All right.

21:46 How's everybody doing tonight?

21:49 Who out there has a smart car?

21:51 Cuz I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car.

21:54 You got to laugh.

21:59 Oh no, I ran out of fake laughter.

22:04 Yeah, I mean, smart car.

22:05 Have you seen this thing?

22:07 It's like you're driving around in a backpack.

22:12 You got to laugh.

22:14 Do we?

22:15 Why don't you have a smart car write some jokes for you?

22:20 Yeah.

22:21 Well, I could see why you would defending the smart car.

22:23 It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in.

22:30 Yeah, that's so true.

22:32 He's very short.

22:36 As is the car.

22:37 IT ALL LINES UP.

22:40 Look at this grayhaired scrub.

22:42 Apparently, black d crack.

22:46 Hey, Don King called said he want his WHOLE HEAD BACK.

22:51 MAX, LOOK.

22:52 LOOK HOW PROUD EARL IS.

22:54 HEY.

22:54 HEY.

22:55 HEY, BLONDIE.

22:56 You mind not talking till I finish?

22:57 Wait a minute.

22:58 You're probably just thinking, "Oh my god, shoes.

23:01 Shoes.

23:02 Hairbrush.

23:03 Shoes." Oh my god.

23:06 I actually was thinking about shoes.

23:10 I'm sorry.

23:11 There's a problem with your card.

23:12 It's been declined.

23:15 I mean, you look around.

23:18 Look at the couple behind us.

23:19 I mean, save some for the men's room stall.

23:21 Am I right?

23:23 I'm having a really good time.

23:27 What?

23:26 I'm having a really good time.

23:30 I think we need more drinks.

23:31 Would you like a Jack and Coke?

23:32 Or maybe just a Jack?

23:43 Oh, no.

23:44 If you're calling me, then the date's not going well.

23:46 I'm not crazy, right?

23:47 He did hunt me down and beg me to go out with him.

23:50 Nothing again.

23:51 Well, maybe he's not feeling that place.

23:53 Well, then he's the only one cuz it's so corny here.

23:56 I'm about to have sex with a couple at the next

23:57 table and they're both redheads, which is so gross.

24:01 Hold on a second.

24:03 Um, hey guys.

24:06 Yeah, perfect.

24:07 Thanks.

24:08 I mean, why did he even ask me out again?

24:11 Well, I kind of might have said,

24:13 Max, now I'm even more humiliated.

24:15 You forced a gay guy to go out with me?

24:17 Who am I?

24:18 The girl with lupus at the prom.

24:21 Andy is not gay.

24:23 He hasn't said one mean thing about strangers while I've been around him.

24:27 Well, then he's paralyzed from the waist down and hides it by walking.

24:32 Okay, that's it.

24:32 I'm leaving.

24:33 No, don't.

24:34 I'll come there.

24:35 Maybe it'll help.

24:36 You two were really hot when I was standing between you.

24:39 True.

24:40 Okay, and hurry.

24:41 I don't want to go home with the redheads.

24:42 Why do they even let them in here?

24:45 Leaving here is probably a good idea anyway.

24:47 If I stay any longer, I'm going to do something I'll have to pretend to regret.

24:52 Max's homemade cupcakes.

24:53 You're up.

24:58 Caroline, why didn't you pick up?

24:59 They just called us early and I don't know what to write on the paper.

25:02 And I feel like an idiot.

25:03 My boobs are suffocating and the only

25:05 business thing I could find was Hans's blazer.

25:08 It's itchy and there's a piece of paper in the pocket with his name on it.

25:11 Why would he have that?

25:13 Max's homemade cupcakes.

25:15 Time is money.

25:18 Um, here, but our appointment's not for another 20 minutes.

25:22 Have a seat.

25:25 Cool place.

25:26 Women's small businesses.

25:28 Sisters doing it for themselves.

25:31 Well, I'm doing it for the medical benefits.

25:34 Go.

25:36 Oh, now before she gets here.

25:38 Um, well, I'm not really much of a business person.

25:42 Great way to start a business loan application.

25:46 Go.

25:47 You have a minute.

25:52 Okay.

25:53 Well, um, how much time do I have now?

25:57 Slightly less than a minute.

26:00 Okay.

26:00 Uh, my business partner could explain this better than me, but I'll try.

26:06 We have a cupcake business.

26:08 I bake cupcakes in my roommates.

26:13 I can't hear you.

26:15 You want to write it down, draw it, shape it in clay?

26:20 I would have filled this out more,

26:21 but that chick over there wouldn't let me cheat off her.

26:23 Not a girl's girl.

26:24 Know what I mean?

26:27 Very professional.

26:28 Under past loan repayment, you put paid Todd back all the beer money I owed.

26:35 To be fair, he was drunk all the time.

26:37 time.

26:37 I could have just said I did.

26:39 Points for honesty.

26:41 Let's get you a new loan application.

26:44 Just got your message.

26:45 The one time I don't come early.

26:48 Speaking of that, I just had the most amazing orgasm.

26:52 I mean, we've been having really great sex, but this morning I could not get

26:55 enough of his projected growth ratio investment analysis.

27:00 Hello, Caroline Channing, Wharton, class of09.

27:03 That's our business proposal.

27:05 And I would be a little embarrassed about what just

27:08 happened if I didn't know that we're all just girls here.

27:11 Can we move this along?

27:12 I got a busted toilet and a pregnant dog at home.

27:18 Why didn't you tell me she was under there?

27:20 Oh, sorry.

27:21 I wasn't expecting a monologue from Confessions of a Call.

27:25 I'm afraid we're going to have to deny the loan.

27:28 Why?

27:28 Because she had a good orgasm.

27:30 Isn't that what the 70s was about for you girls?

27:33 You have no business history, and that's a requirement for us.

27:38 Well, I think we're done here.

27:40 Yeah, I just said that.

27:43 I thought you guys were about supporting small women's business,

27:46 and this small women's business needs support after the pounding it took today.

27:50 Max, let's go.

27:52 Max, the invited guests were all supposed to be business contacts.

27:56 See, this is why I didn't tell you sooner.

27:58 You're a control freak.

27:59 And for the record, these guys have all had contact with my business.

28:05 You're using our launch party to get back at ex-boyfriends.

28:08 Uh yeah, that's what success is for.

28:12 To say suck it to people who dumped you.

28:14 See my blown out hair?

28:16 Suck it.

28:16 See my cool cupcake shop?

28:18 Suck it.

28:18 See these and this blouse?

28:20 You wish you could suck it.

28:24 And here it is not just boyfriends on my list.

28:27 I also invited the lady from Staples who gives me attitude.

28:31 She can suck it, too.

28:34 Fine, but how is inviting Johnny and his new wife a victory?

28:37 Oh, like this.

28:39 Hi, Mrs.

28:40 Johnny.

28:40 Nice to meet you.

28:41 You got him, but I got these and all this, so suck it.

28:46 I'm not so sure this is healthy.

28:48 Are you kidding me?

28:49 This is the healthiest thing I've done in my life.

28:52 I even thought about inviting my mother to come and suck it,

28:55 but then she'd realize maybe I didn't commit

28:57 suicide two years ago like my note said.

29:01 I'm about ready to open.

29:02 Shouldn't we be putting up some

29:03 testicle banners or scrotum posters or something?

29:08 Also, there's a cute blonde boy out here asking

29:10 for you that I'm about to eat a lot.

29:13 That's Andy with the free bar stuff.

29:15 Go.

29:15 I'm going to stay here and practice my suck it face for a while.

29:18 How's this?

29:20 That look is so much more suck it with the straight hair.

29:24 I know, right?

29:27 There's my cute boyfriend.

29:28 Hey, how did everything go at Spike's liquor?

29:31 Well, I got a little bit confused about what charity we were pretending to help.

29:34 So, I told him my sister's homeless and my balls are up inside me.

29:38 Now, we just got to hope Spike's not the chatty type.

29:42 Oh, they just dropped.

29:45 Hey, Andy.

29:46 Question.

29:47 What does this face say to you?

29:50 I don't know.

29:50 Like I'm cool.

29:52 So close.

29:53 Guess again.

29:54 Okay.

29:55 Like I'm better than you.

29:57 No.

29:57 Like I'm it and you CAN SUCK IT.

29:59 YES.

30:00 YES.

30:00 YOU CAN SUCK IT.

30:04 Is that what you're wearing tonight?

30:05 Yeah.

30:06 No.

30:07 A sweater.

30:08 I always saw you in a suit tonight.

30:10 Run home real quick and put on a suit.

30:11 Hurry.

30:12 People are starting to come.

30:14 Uh Max is still making the face.

30:16 I know.

30:17 I can't stop.

30:18 I've waited my whole life to make this face.

30:23 Wait, who ordered us cupcakes at 2 a.m.?

30:25 Um, my friends.

30:27 You don't have any friends.

30:28 I have so many friends.

30:31 Who are your friends?

30:32 Some people I know.

30:33 Then how come I've never met them?

30:34 Well, they don't like you.

30:37 But they don't know me.

30:38 They don't like what they've heard about you.

30:41 But who would they have heard things from but you?

30:43 Maybe from my other group of friends.

30:45 They don't like you either later.

30:52 Max, you can turn around.

30:53 That's right.

30:54 I followed you.

30:59 Sorry for following you.

31:00 It's just you have the hair and jacket of a woman.

31:02 In a good way.

31:05 Did you actually think that was me?

31:06 My beard is much thicker.

31:08 But where are we going?

31:09 Why are we in this seedy building that smells like marijuana?

31:13 Oh my god.

31:13 Is this where your mom lives?

31:16 You think my mom lives indoors?

31:18 Okay, look.

31:19 For the last few nights, my dealer calls me after she sells pot to people

31:22 and then I sell those people the munchies they need.

31:25 Max, this is New York.

31:26 That's illegal.

31:27 No, giant sodas are illegal.

31:30 This is me selling cupcakes to make her rent.

31:32 And besides, it's not a big deal.

31:34 Pot's legal in Washington, Massachusetts, Colorado, and California.

31:37 Well, thank you for the stoner summary of the last election,

31:40 but we don't live in any of those places, and I do not approve of pot at all.

31:44 It makes people lazy and lethargic and drains all one's ambitions.

31:48 God, you're fun.

31:51 Look, on the other side of this door is money

31:53 to help us make the $600 more we need for rent.

31:56 It's totally up to you.

31:58 Should I knock or not knock?

32:00 What's good, Max?

32:01 Hey, Kefir.

32:02 This is my friend Caroline.

32:04 Pleasure, my goddess.

32:04 Come on in.

32:05 I just broke out some dank nugs.

32:08 Oh, thanks.

32:08 But we actually just had some dank nugs.

32:12 First of all, that's your new nickname.

32:14 And keeper, I want to rush you, but me and Dank Nugs have to get home.

32:19 Okay, cool.

32:19 I'll be right back with the cash.

32:22 Secondhand smoke.

32:23 Secondhand smoke.

32:24 Secondhand nerd.

32:25 Secondhand nerd.

32:27 Here you go.

32:28 They're feeling kind of generous.

32:29 Nice to meet you, Nugs.

32:31 Nice meeting you, too.

32:33 Peace.

32:36 There.

32:37 A hundred bucks.

32:38 Oh my god, Max.

32:39 That's a $100 bill.

32:40 How easy was that?

32:42 And we didn't even have to open the shop.

32:44 I mean, what is the problem with doing this?

32:46 You're right.

32:46 I overreacted.

32:47 We're not selling pot.

32:48 We're selling cupcakes.

32:49 We didn't break any laws.

32:51 There's nothing ILLEGAL ABOUT IT.

32:53 MOVE.

32:53 MOVE.

32:54 I DIDN'T KNOW.

32:54 I DIDN'T KNOW.

32:55 GO, GO, GO NOW.

32:57 POLICE.

32:57 GO.

32:58 GO.

32:58 NOW.

32:59 PUT THE ME DOWN.

33:00 PUT THE MAC DOWN.

33:04 What's that?

33:07 GO.

33:07 GO.

33:07 GO.

33:08 BRING THEM OUT.

33:08 LET'S GO.

33:09 BRING THEM OUT.

33:10 GO.

33:10 GO, GO.

33:12 I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH DRUGS.

33:14 I TOLD YOU.

33:15 SHOT IT, CAROL.

33:16 SHOT IT.

33:22 I can't believe that just happened.

33:24 I know.

33:25 It's like, let it go, Carol.

33:29 We're done with drugs.

33:30 I was right.

33:31 And now you know why my friends don't like you.