New to Brooklyn 99? Meet the Squad!

0:01 Another cold brew?

0:03 Don't mind if I cold do.

0:05 Nailed it.

0:05 I am loving this machine that Charles brought in.

0:08 It is nice.

0:08 The trick is to let the coffee warm up to room temperature.

0:11 I'm already on my second cup.

0:12 my third.

0:14 Stop!

0:16 You're drinking too much.

0:18 Woah, what's going on?

0:19 Charles, why are you talking so slow?

0:21 I'm not.

0:22 I'm normal.

0:31 Oh my god, if you're not going to say that means we're going faster.

0:32 Are we going fast?

0:33 Can anyone tell if we're going fast?

0:34 You don't think we're going fast at all in any way whatsoever?

0:35 I feel like we're going slow in every way whatsoever.

0:37 Captain, how do you feel?

0:37 Great, excellent, amazing.

0:38 I feel better than I've ever felt at any moment in my entire life.

0:40 So, we're all fine?

0:40 Yep.

0:44 Is this going to be one of those scavenger hunts, Boyle?

0:46 Cuz that pasta pot isn't filling itself.

0:48 Come on, Terry.

0:49 Let's just see what the plan is.

0:50 Charles, what do we do?

0:51 I don't know anything about it.

0:52 But, why don't we take this map

0:54 and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?

0:58 Title of your sextant tape.

1:00 Uh, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it.

1:02 Title of your sextant tape.

1:04 All right, let's go.

1:04 Charles loves this truck.

1:06 It's his baby.

1:06 There's no way he'd burn it down.

1:08 The world isn't a messed up place, Jake.

1:09 People kill their babies.

1:10 Babies kill their parents.

1:12 It's the circle of life.

1:14 clearly a triangle.

1:15 Okay, fine.

1:15 Busted.

1:18 Hello, Lynn.

1:19 Hi, Regina.

1:20 Don't play games with me, boy.

1:23 Hey there, bud.

1:25 We've been going for a while.

1:26 You feeling hungry?

1:27 STARVING.

1:28 THANKS.

1:29 OH, COME ON!

1:31 A YOGURT WHEN I get the truth.

1:33 Oh god, it's in the grout.

1:34 It's going to smell in here forever.

1:36 God, I almost feel weird saying this, but I wanted to ask you wow,

1:41 those pictures are not helping.

1:42 Oh my god.

1:44 They're really going to have to re-grout.

1:45 Oh, finding a contractor.

1:47 You are so consistent.

1:49 Anyways, the question I wanted to ask you is the results on that feces.

1:52 It's human, but it's not all human.

1:55 You're not Dr.

1:56 Gassner?

1:57 We are not.

1:57 Can you give us a sec?

1:59 Sure.

1:59 Real quick, what was the other It's dog and bear.

2:01 Wow.

2:03 I'd really be into that feces puzzle.

2:05 Normally, yes, but I want to talk to you about something else right now.

2:08 More specifically Guys, Dispatch just called.

2:10 Great, Dave's here now.

2:12 babies just struck on Flatbush.

2:13 We got to go.

2:14 Lead the way.

2:16 What did you want to tell me?

2:17 Oh, um Captain Holt sent a very important text.

2:21 Oh.

2:29 Gina, did you shut off your space heater yet?

2:31 Space heater?

2:33 Doesn't ring any bells.

2:34 Jacinta.

2:35 Oh, no, she's still going strong.

2:37 I will take that thing away from you by force, if necessary.

2:41 Well, come and get it.

2:43 Seriously?

2:44 The heater's under your skirt?

2:46 Maybe.

2:46 You can't prove that.

2:48 Yeah, I can.

2:48 There's a cord running under it, and I think you may be on fire.

2:52 Hm.

2:53 So?

2:54 What do you mean, so?

2:55 I'm not giving up Jacinta.

2:57 You are on fire, Gina.

2:59 You do not have the upper hand in this situation.

3:02 I always have the upper hand.

3:04 NOT WHEN THERE'S FLAMES SHOOTING OUT OF YOUR BUTT.

3:07 ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S FLAMES SHOOTING out of my butt.

3:18 Damn it!

3:23 How the hell did I lose that one?

3:25 Oh, Hitchcock.

3:26 Thank god.

3:27 Thank god for yourself to a car.

3:29 Been there.

3:29 What?

3:30 No, Charles did this.

3:31 Here, quick, hand me those keys.

3:34 There we go.

3:35 What will you give me for them?

3:37 Seriously, what do you want?

3:39 A dollar for a soda.

3:40 Mine are all wet.

3:41 Yes, obviously I'll give you that.

3:42 Bam!

3:43 A soda only costs 75 cents, you fool.

3:46 See you later, sucker.

3:48 Didn't even give him the dollar.

3:50 I'm so confused.

3:51 I don't know what's happening right now.

3:52 I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now.

3:54 Title of your sex tape.

3:55 Oh my god, I'm shaking.

3:57 I'm definitely going to cry.

3:58 Title of your sex tape.

4:00 Wait, is this really happening?

4:01 Is this part of the heist?

4:02 If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard.

4:05 No, please, Amy, it's like it's really happening, okay?

4:08 Bagels for everyone.

4:10 So, I guess you believe it now.

4:11 Yep.

4:11 Want to see the selfies I took?

4:12 Actually, yes.

4:13 I'll share the album with you.

4:14 Oh my god, I just heard about lunch.

4:16 She was so young.

4:18 For a redwood tree.

4:19 Uh, I don't want to say what's going on.

4:21 Why are you crying?

4:22 A person is dead.

4:23 I feel sad.

4:24 That's insane.

4:25 You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie.

4:28 In E.T., do you feel sad when E.T.

4:30 dies?

4:31 Yes!

4:32 He wasn't a monster.

4:33 He caused a real commotion.

4:34 It isn't just lunch.

4:35 I started seeing a fertility doctor,

4:37 and she has me taking hormones to help with ovulation,

4:39 and my emotions are on overdrive.

4:42 Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up.

4:44 Lunch is dead.

4:46 BAGEL!

4:47 BAGEL!

4:47 [screaming] BAGEL!

4:49 SIR, I am loving this color on you, but don't you think you should tone it down?

4:53 Why, in case I run into her family?

4:54 I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo.

4:56 Wait, does this mean you're going to be captain again?

4:58 It does.

4:59 The chief of personnel called to say the promotion is in the works.

5:02 Her death means I've won.

5:04 It's finally over.

5:06 I'm so sorry.

5:07 What the hell, Boyle?

5:08 What the hell happened?

5:09 I I I was stressed about hitting you, and my mind disassociated from my body.

5:13 I don't even know what I did.

5:14 Oh, well, let me remind you.

5:15 You punched me, kicked me, spat on me,

5:18 and then you said There's more where that came from.

5:21 I got a real wet mouth.

5:24 You got to admit, it's a pretty tough line.

5:26 No, it's not.

5:27 It's weird and sexual, and not in the good way.

5:30 What's up, jerks?

5:32 Peralta, you broke into my house?

5:34 Yeah, I'm an insurance investigator.

5:36 I can do whatever I want.

5:37 What are you doing here?

5:38 I'm working the case.

5:39 I'm looking for clues.

5:40 Come on, you already said Charles couldn't do this.

5:42 Couldn't do it.

5:43 That's what I thought.

5:43 But then I realized, if you can hide your engagement from me,

5:47 what else are you capable of hiding?

5:49 All right, arson.

5:51 Come on, don't you think that's a bit of a stretch?

5:53 Is it?

5:53 Lab test came back and said the accelerant used in the fire was turpentine.

5:57 And look what I found in Boyle's wife's closet.

6:01 Looks to me a lot like turpentine.

6:03 Oh, I wouldn't do that.

6:05 [laughter] [clears throat] Turpentine, just like I thought.

6:08 That's Genevieve's.

6:08 She uses it for her paintings.

6:10 [laughter] Oh, likely story.

6:15 Be careful.

6:15 Don't let her see us.

6:16 Then you should have got a disguise [music] like me, idiots.

6:18 Why do you even own that?

6:20 banned from Wing for using too much sauce.

6:22 So, I got to sneak past the hostess.

6:24 So far, it has not worked.

6:26 You gave him full immunity?

6:27 Are you insane?

6:29 You told me to cut a deal.

6:30 I thought you'd maybe drop charges on one or two felonies.

6:34 But, do you know how many crimes we're forgiving?

6:36 Six.

6:37 That's not so bad.

6:38 Hundred.

6:38 Oh, that's way more.

6:40 Grand theft auto.

6:40 Grand theft auto.

6:41 Grand theft auto.

6:42 Dog fraud.

6:43 I sold a guy a fake Pekingese.

6:45 'Twas a cat.

6:46 You will not win, Meal or with your use of 'twas.

6:49 'Twasn't trying to.

6:51 Do [clears throat] you think he killed her and dumped her body in the park?

6:53 Yeah, sounds like couples counseling's going really great for them.

6:55 Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.

6:57 Oh, that's fine.

6:58 It's hard for some people.

6:59 And title of your sex tape.

7:01 Quick.

7:01 Are you normally so cavalier around murder investigations?

7:04 Uh, yes, we see a lot of darkness in our line of work,

7:07 and humor is one of our coping mechanisms.

7:09 It's self-preservation through disassociation.

7:11 What the Has he done anything suspicious yet?

7:13 No, JUST REGULAR PERALTA STUFF.

7:17 [screaming]

7:21 UGH, IT'S LIKE HE'S GOING ALL NORMCORE TO THROW me off the scent.

7:26 Morning.

7:28 You look well-rested.

7:30 Yes, because I slept in my own bed.

7:33 I was tossing and turning.

7:34 Jake told me about your fight, and I'm so worried about you two.

7:37 Thank you, Charles.

7:38 What do I have to do?

7:39 Buy the mattress myself?

7:40 Done.

7:41 No.

7:41 Problem solved.

7:42 It would make him so happy.

7:43 I'd like to report a crime.

7:45 So, we're just doing one of these every day?

7:48 Oh, you got it.

7:49 I KNOW YOU GOT IT.

7:51 I WANT MY MONEY.

7:53 TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.

8:01 WELL, if I'm sweating, as you claim,

8:03 it's because I was watching an exciting video on the net.

8:06 Really?

8:07 What?

8:08 It was a video of an American gymnast.

8:10 [music] His leotard ripped, exposing his butt.

8:14 Highly erotic.

8:14 You're lying.

8:15 IT just installed blocker software.

8:18 Thanks to moi.

8:19 Ah, yes, but they didn't install it

8:21 on my computer because I'm [music] a captain.

8:23 You don't look hot and bothered at all, I'd say.

8:25 Show us the erotic Gentlemen, I assure you there's nothing to see.

8:29 Now, if you look Excuse me, I have to grab some fresh air.

8:40 Good boy, Cheddar.

8:41 Bring me that cummerbund.

8:46 Wait a minute.

8:48 This isn't [music] the championship cummerbund.

8:50 This is some common cummerbund.

8:53 And you're not Cheddar.

8:54 You're just some common And there's glitter on them.

8:58 Red glitter.

9:00 Feels like that deserved an audible gasp.

9:03 [gasps] Thank you, Charles.

9:03 You got messy setting up the prank.

9:05 You didn't want anyone to see you put the suspenders in your desk drawer.

9:08 Case closed.

9:09 Did you put that folder there just so you could close it?

9:11 Yes, Rosa, obviously.

9:12 I didn't do anything.

9:13 Well, if you didn't do anything, how come the case is closed?

9:16 It's not.

9:17 The glitter on Jefford's suspenders is type 9A round red glitter,

9:20 while the bomb spewed type 9C round red glitter.

9:23 But then I suppose all round red glitter looks the same to you.

9:28 No.

9:27 I know the difference.

9:30 One is bigger, shinier.

9:31 The number refers to the size, the letter refers to its reflective qualities.

9:35 Seems like you know a weird amount about glitter, man.

9:36 So, good detective work is weird to you?

9:39 Interesting squad you have here, Raymond.

9:41 I didn't choose them.

9:42 They were here when I arrived.

9:43 Understood.

9:43 We will once again pick up where we left off.

9:45 [music]

9:45 The infinitude gems.

9:47 are still doing this?

9:48 You know it's April now.

9:49 Yeah, Terry, we're still doing it, and we're still having a great time.

9:52 Why are the gems so pale?

9:53 I guess Skully's insides sapped all the color out of them.

9:55 I don't know.

9:55 Babe, you're undercutting my whole thing with Terry here.

9:58 Anyways, the infinitude gems will go back to Bill,

10:01 whose life seems to have unraveled even further.

10:03 Tough March for you there, bud?

10:04 Yeah, just a heads-up, I sold my pants with the pockets,

10:07 so I'll be putting the gems in my undies this time.

10:10 No!

10:10 I'll give him a fanny pack.

10:11 Can I keep it?

10:12 This could be just what I need to turn my life around.

10:14 Yeah, Bill, you can keep the fanny pack.

10:15 have to do anything for it, do I?

10:17 Cuz I Well, if you ask, I'll do anything.

10:19 Even What's that supposed to represent?

10:24 Don't answer that.

10:25 Terry, tear it up.

10:26 I love when calamity brings people together.

10:28 Sir, it got another retweet from the mayor.

10:30 It got a retweet from the governor.

10:32 Well, I have already set up my accounts,

10:34 and not to toot my own bugle, but I think I did an admirable job.

10:38 Oh, okay.

10:38 What's your handle?

10:39 I'll be your first follower.

10:40 It's @5261796D6E6420486F6C74.

10:48 It spells Raymond Holt in hexadecimal code.

10:50 Clever, right?

10:51 Captain, are you sure you wouldn't like some help with this?

10:53 Oh, no need.

10:54 Now, my first tweet.

10:56 I should give an update on the water main break that's actually informative.

10:59 NYC H2O-Main Sitrep {colon}@ 2040 EDT current PSI 456 max cap 204000 LPM.

11:11 Suck on that, tasty lemon drop Olivia Crawford.

11:15 Oh, look at that, an alert.

11:16 I'm probably trending already.

11:18 What?

11:18 My account has been deactivated.

11:20 Twitter thinks you're a bot.

11:21 Why?

11:22 I'm a human.

11:23 I'm a human male.

11:25 Check it out.

11:26 Hitchcock got a tattoo.

11:27 Mr.

11:28 99.

11:30 Why are you putting a gun in your mouth?

11:33 smoke off the barrel.

11:34 It's cool.

11:34 The barrel is fully inside your mouth.

11:37 You're clearly about to kill yourself.

11:38 You're just jealous cuz he's got the arrest record and you don't.

11:41 Yeah, suck on this.

11:42 Click.

11:43 Pow.

11:44 You pulled the trigger, man.

11:46 That was a suicide.

11:47 Hey, Captain.

11:48 What delicious water I'm drinking.

11:50 Sorry that we didn't check in before we left.

11:52 We're just out at the DMV following up on the Saturn owners.

11:55 Nice.

11:55 Captain, how did you know we were here?

11:57 I followed you.

11:57 John Kelly gave you a hot clue, didn't he?

11:59 How dare you disobey me?

12:01 Come on, sir, it was a good tip, and we're trying to catch a serial killer.

12:03 Well, then let's see this tip,

12:05 this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open.

12:09 Okay, I know this tone.

12:09 Here comes petty Holt.

12:11 Nah, I'm not being petty.

12:12 said, "Nah, bitch." Show me the tip.

12:15 Title of our sex tape.

12:16 PIMENTO, PIMENTO, PIMENTO.

12:18 DON'T WORRY, everything's okay.

12:20 You've had some brain trauma and that caused you to lose your memory.

12:23 You're scared that you're in danger,

12:24 but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you.

12:26 You're safe.

12:27 Wait, really?

12:28 Woo, okay.

12:30 Thank you.

12:31 I was really worried, you know, cuz of this gunshot.

12:33 OH MY GOD, SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU.

12:35 WHAT?

12:35 YOU JUST TOLD ME THAT WASN'T THE CASE.

12:38 IN THAT CASE, my interest is renewed.

12:40 Here is my resume.

12:41 Oh, I'm feeling this.

12:42 Are you guys feeling this?

12:43 Gordon, why don't you tell Captain Holt a little bit about yourself?

12:46 Where to begin?

12:46 I'm 174 cm tall.

12:48 I can type 103 words per minute with an error

12:50 rate of 1.6% and I recently moved here from Philadelphia,

12:54 which is the sixth most populous US city.

12:56 the city of Philadelphia is coterminous with Philadelphia County,

12:59 making it the eighth largest metropolitan statistical area.

13:03 Yeah, Philly's cool.

13:04 Isn't it fun just telling each other facts?

13:06 Yes.

13:06 Well, I think I have all the information I need.

13:08 Thank you for coming in, Mr.

13:09 Larson.

13:09 My pleasure.

13:11 So, looks like operation Nasty is a full-on success, huh?

13:15 You mean operation Nasty's sex How is it a wife by now?

13:18 Didn't you see him flirting with me?

13:19 No, I most definitely did not.

13:21 a blind man and a prude to boot.

13:22 Did you see his tie?

13:23 A single Windsor, the easiest not to undo.

13:26 Why bother wearing any clothes at all?

13:27 I think you badly misread that interaction.

13:30 Please, he did everything but lick his lips and purr.

13:32 Get rid of him and bring me someone who can keep it in their slacks.

13:35 Did someone say to take off our slacks?

13:36 As long as no one commits any major crimes in front of me, it's not a problem.

13:40 We don't have to break the law to have fun.

13:41 We'll have some drinks, smoke some Cubans, eat a steak,

13:44 either crazy big or crazy small, whichever's more expensive.

13:47 I'd rather see butts.

13:48 Fine.

13:49 If I let you see butts, will you convince the guys that Jake's not a cop?

13:53 How many butts are we talking?

13:54 Six.

13:54 And seven.

13:55 Nine.

13:55 Fine, eight.

13:56 I'll meet you in the middle.

13:57 Nah, you waited too long.

13:57 Now it's up to 14.

13:58 14 butts?

13:59 She's a grown woman.

14:00 Just let her see butts, man.

14:01 Thank you, Jake.

14:01 Thank you for coming to my aid on the butt thing.

14:03 One step closer to trust.

14:05 Now I'm going to go out there and help your fedora-wearing,

14:06 Jason Mraz-looking ass, okay?

14:08 I think I look like Andy Garcia in this hat.

14:09 You look like Seth Green.

14:10 Seth Green?

14:11 No, Tom Green.

14:12 You're thinking of Tom Green?

14:13 Tom Green?

14:14 No, go back to Jason Mraz.

14:16 Time of death, 8:26 [clears throat] p.m.

14:19 Now all I have to do is sign as the coroner.

14:22 You are disturbingly good at this.

14:24 I grew up forging report cards.

14:26 [music] If people knew how smart I was,

14:28 it would have been harder to control them.

14:32 Now, all we need is the death certificate officially notarized.

14:36 You want me to break the sacred oath I took to become a notary?

14:40 It's not a problem cuz I'm a badass, just like Rosa.

14:44 So, I am going to stamp this and violate my oath.

14:51 You keep talking, but we're done here.

14:54 Look, check it.

14:55 I'm going to go grab some coffee.

14:57 Great.

14:58 [clears throat]

15:01 Hey, uh now that it's just us, there's a thing I wanted to say at as a you.

15:07 Why doesn't your mouth work?

15:08 Why doesn't your mouth work, title of our sex tape?

15:10 What?

15:10 Your sex tape.

15:11 What?

15:12 No.

15:13 That was insane.

15:14 Wait, who else is hooking up that we don't know about?

15:16 Rosa and Terry, Holt and Scully, you and Hitchcock.

15:19 You need to forget about Charles, okay?

15:21 You need to get inside and put those files back.

15:24 Whoa, whoa, wait.

15:25 Why did I get Hitchcock?

15:26 Because you're the girl version of him.

15:29 Does anyone here know any Slavic languages?

15:31 Oh, I'm great at languages.

15:32 WATCH THIS.

15:35 HELLO, I AM HITCHCOCK.

15:38 THANK YOU FOR THAT COOKIE PIZZA IDEA.

15:41 ALL YOU GOT TO DO, JUST CLOSE the old nostril only in the [snorts]

15:44 Oh, boy, I got MORE THAT TIME.

15:49 [laughter] WHERE DID YOU get this?

15:50 Adrian, that's enough.

15:51 We can make fake cocaine for ourselves out of vitamin B powder.

15:54 Ooh, vitamin B, the second best vitamin.

15:56 Guys, I'm telling you, the fake snorting can work.

16:00 What?

16:01 [laughter] Oh, I got so much that time.

16:04 Oh, woo.

16:06 Anybody want to listen to Jamiroquai right now?

16:07 Okay, I'm just going to move this away from your nose holes.

16:10 Well, you two should get going.

16:11 If Hawkins tells you anything, text me right away.

16:13 I'll stay here and watch Adrian.

16:14 WHO'S ADRIAN?

16:15 YEAH.

16:16 All right.

16:16 Hey, do any guys play an instrument?

16:18 You know, I play a little bit of bouzouki.

16:19 Anybody else play an ancient stringed instrument?

16:21 No?

16:21 You guys want to go to the beach?

16:22 It's a beautiful day.

16:23 You should maybe like get out there, throw the disc around.

16:25 Right?

16:25 Hey, have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty, Captain?

16:27 Have you Have you been inside?

16:28 Like under the skirt?

16:29 Like what's up there?

16:30 Did they build a You know what I'm saying?

16:32 Guys, watch this.

16:33 I'm going to juggle.

16:34 No, no, no, no, no, no.

16:36 What is this?

16:37 It's a jack-o'-lantern.

16:38 Don't touch it.

16:38 Why not?

16:39 Because you're hiding something in there?

16:40 Because my daughters made it and your palms are all black.

16:43 What have you been touching?

16:44 Huh.

16:45 Well, this has got me stumped.

16:47 How do you explain this?

16:48 I have no idea.

16:50 I put the plaque in my office, Cheddar.

16:53 Come here, come here, come here, baby.

16:55 The hell?

16:56 Yeah, thank you.

16:57 Return it to my office, please.

16:58 What's up, you little turds?

17:00 Wait, what is going on?

17:01 We have the plaque.

17:02 Yeah, I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.

17:04 I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces, name of your sex tape.

17:07 What?

17:07 There's an article about the Nine-Nine's monthly crime rate.

17:10 Those numbers aren't supposed to be public until next week.

17:13 Terry, you're going to have to be more

17:14 interesting if you want to get an oh, dang.

17:17 There's a leak in the Nine-Nine.

17:19 Oh, dang.

17:20 I presented those numbers in a morning briefing,

17:22 but I can't imagine anyone would be stupid enough to leak Really, Terrence?

17:26 Look how dumb they are.

17:31 Printer's fixed.

17:33 Hmm.

17:35 Oh, dang.

17:36 What's wrong with your face?

17:38 Do I need to call a doctor?

17:39 No, I'm clearly trying to communicate.

17:41 Captain.

17:41 Here you are.

17:43 We have an emergency.

17:45 I'm taking care of it.

17:46 Okay, I don't know what this is, but I'm going to leave.

17:51 Why did you stop me?

17:52 I was making progress.

17:53 I know, sir, but I have to say something.

17:55 I love the Nine-Nine, and the main reason why is you.

17:59 Not Jake.

17:59 Yes, clearly it's mostly Jake, but it's also you.

18:02 And the standard that you set for us with your unwavering morals.

18:06 I'd rather we split up than stay together and compromise who we are.

18:11 Well, thank you, [music] Boyle.

18:12 You're right.

18:13 No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail.

18:18 I agree.

18:20 [music] From now on, the only blackmail I want anything to do with is you.

18:25 That was incredibly inappropriate.

18:27 I know, but I thought of it and I was so proud, I just had to say it out loud.

18:30 Let's just go.

18:30 Great.

18:31 I've wanted to build a rapport with him since he got here,

18:33 but until now, all we've had in common was our bank.

18:37 Guess who?

18:38 IN MY PD, HANDS UP.

18:41 [screaming] CHARLES.

18:43 SERIOUSLY, NO COSTUME?

18:44 What the hell, Charles?

18:45 Where's your Halloween spirit?

18:47 But you guys always make fun of me.

18:49 I have never once insulted you in my life, especially vis-a-vis your appearance.

18:55 Yeah, man, we always love your costumes.

18:57 Remember last year, when you came as that person and/or thing?

19:02 YES, I DO REMEMBER.

19:04 SIR, permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.

19:07 Does it matter if I SAY NO?

19:08 NO.

19:13 [music] A BAM, BAM, BOOM.

19:20 WHAT THE WHAT?

19:21 Why are you dressed up?

19:21 You look like an idiot.

19:22 But But Yeah, what are you supposed to be?

19:24 A sexy car mechanic?

19:25 No, come on.

19:26 He's clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart.

19:30 I am not.

19:31 You know who I am.

19:33 Squad, that's enough.

19:34 You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose.

19:35 He's Elvis.

19:36 Yes.

19:36 Elvis Stojko, THE CANADIAN FIGURE SKATER.

19:38 NO.

19:40 THAT'S WEIRD.

19:41 There's a smudge on this sign right over the H.

19:43 There's a smudge on this H, too.

19:45 Oh my god, why would you touch a hospital thing and then put it in your mouth?

19:49 It's chocolate.

19:50 Great instincts, never doubt yourself.

19:51 I'm bleeding cuz my piece of crap son-in-law bit me.

19:54 Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case.

19:57 There has to be some way to exonerate him.

19:59 I've been looking, but I can't find anything and I don't know what to do.

20:02 I can't find anything and I don't know what to do.

20:04 Title of your sex tape.

20:06 What is happening right now?

20:08 They got Hawkins trying to flee the country.

20:10 She confessed to everything [music] and they let me out.

20:12 Oh my god, Jake, is it really you?

20:14 Are you really here?

20:15 You know it, baby.

20:16 But first, I got to hug my best friend.

20:19 Welcome back, Peralta.

20:21 I just heard from the mayor to apologize for what happened to you.

20:23 They're sending you to Disney World, you and one male [music] guest.

20:28 As long as I don't have to go on any of the scary rides.

20:30 I just go for the shows.

20:33 Boyle, Boyle, Boyle, BOYLE, BOYLE, BOYLE, BOYLE.

20:38 WERE YOU DREAMING ABOUT JAKE AGAIN?

20:40 WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?

20:41 I TOLD YOU NEVER TO WAKE ME UP.

20:43 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, widows and widowers,

20:46 welcome to the all ages piano lounge adults only show.

20:50 I'm Horatio Velveteen.

20:52 Dope name.

20:53 It's a song I wrote myself, call it Rosa, Rosa, Rosa.

20:57 Goes like [music] this.

20:59 Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, [singing] Rosa.

21:05 It's so crowded in here.

21:07 And the [music] lighting is way too sexy to see anything.

21:10 Come on.

21:11 Right there on the floor is the man you're looking [singing] for.

21:16 He's right in front of [music] you, a little bit to the left.

21:22 My left, my left, my left, my left.

21:26 Come on this way.

21:28 He's in a red shirt.

21:31 [music] No, not the Asian dude.

21:31 Brand says I can't rejoin the force.

21:33 Some crap about you can't just disappear from your job for 7 months.

21:37 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

21:38 Oh, well, that's unfortunate.

21:39 I know how much being a cop meant to you.

21:41 I don't know what I'm going to do.

21:42 I guess I could be a teacher.

21:44 Sorry, Travis.

21:44 The answer is obviously Istanbul.

21:46 What did you say to me?

21:47 No.

21:48 MAYBE YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE.

21:51 SORRY, Principal Reynolds, I didn't see you there.

21:52 Wait, Travis is your son?

21:54 Well, I guess you're just going to have to fire me.

21:57 Fired?

21:58 Me?

21:59 How dare you, sir?

22:00 We will settle See, it just wouldn't work.

22:04 Hm.

22:03 You know, I had a friend that had to retire from the force.

22:06 He became a private investigator.

22:08 Ooh, PI, huh?

22:10 Hm.

22:10 I like that.

22:12 Hello, Mr.

22:12 Brandville.

22:13 I found out where your wife's been going tonight.

22:15 Have a seat.

22:15 You're not going to like this.

22:17 She's cheating on you.

22:18 What do you mean you knew that already?

22:19 You killed her and you're framing me for the murder?

22:23 I JUST LEFT MY PRINTS ALL OVER THE CRIME SCENE.

22:25 OH, YOU ARE AN evil genius.

22:27 This I could get on board for.

22:29 Hm.

22:29 Anyone can get up on stage by the podium?

22:31 You'll blow our cover if you go up there.

22:33 You don't exactly blend in.

22:34 Yeah.

22:37 Erwin, how would you like to have the honor of being

22:39 the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago?

22:42 Okay.

22:44 In this life, it's sometimes the unlikeliest outcomes.

22:46 Feels like you're winding up to propose again here.

22:48 I was.

22:48 Good catch.

22:48 Amy, would you No.

22:50 Still did it.

22:51 You can't run that space heater 24/7 anymore.

22:53 Space heater?

22:54 Excuse me.

22:56 This is a foreign accent comfort system and her name is Jacinta.

23:00 Okay, well, Jacinta's got to go.

23:02 He didn't mean that, darling.

23:04 Seriously, turn off the space heater.

23:06 No.

23:06 Do it now.

23:07 That's an order.

23:08 Yeah, well, you don't want to start a battle of the wills

23:10 with Gina Linetti because you will emerge from that battle a broken man.

23:14 Not to brag, but I was name-checked in my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.

23:19 Oh my god.

23:20 Oh, no.

23:21 Rosa, we don't have any more prongs.

23:22 We're prongless.

23:24 Oh, and one more thing.

23:25 They're guilty.

23:26 No, we are not.

23:26 Please do not address the jury, Mr.

23:28 Peralta.

23:29 But but but One more but and you will be in contempt.

23:33 One more but and you're contempt.

23:34 Name your sex tape.

23:36 There's more than one right way to make paella, Jake.

23:38 There are 10 right ways.

23:40 You got classic Valencian, modern No, No, wait.

23:42 Stop.

23:42 I changed my mind.

23:43 I've made a horrible mistake.

23:45 Hey, Rosa.

23:46 Just who I was looking for.

23:48 Quick question, can I have your friend Katie's phone number?

23:50 I want to ask her out.

23:51 No, I don't mix personal and professional.

23:53 You're never getting her number.

23:54 Never like we're never going to have a black president never cuz that happened.

23:58 A real never.

23:59 Like if you ever ask me about this again,

24:01 you're never going to be able to eat without a straw.

24:04 Yeah, okay.

24:05 Well, you are on the wrong side of history, my friend.

24:09 Katie, huh?

24:10 Wow, I can't believe you're not still pining for Amy.

24:13 I mean, I pined for years.

24:16 I still think about Mia, the nurse that helped my Nana pass.

24:19 Yes, I know.

24:19 You've told me like a hundred times about the time

24:21 your Nana collapsed and accidentally pulled Mia's pants down.

24:24 Best day of my life.

24:25 I don't have feelings for Amy anymore,

24:27 so time for me to get out there and spread my wings.

24:31 Get out there and spread my wings?

24:33 I hate to ask this, but have you considered shutting the truck down?

24:36 You're always bragging about how much Boyle's left to give up.

24:38 I'm in so much debt.

24:39 I took out a loan for the truck.

24:41 I got Amy to invest.

24:43 No, the only way out of this hole is to keep digging.

24:45 That's not how holes work.

24:46 Title of your sex tape.

24:47 And then you release the jack.

24:50 And voila, tire changed.

24:53 Uh, don't you feel empowered?

24:55 Yes.

24:55 There's nothing more empowering than getting a condescending

24:58 colleague to do a menial task for you.

25:00 What are you talking about?

25:01 about how you just changed my tire while I sat here

25:04 watching a 20-minute video of a monkey getting its hair combed.

25:07 But you were paying attention.

25:08 You laughed at my joke.

25:10 Did I?

25:10 I like to call this the jack of all trades.

25:14 Silly monkey.

25:15 Oh, this monkey.

25:17 So, you really didn't learn anything?

25:18 No, but I hope you did.

25:20 Can't school Gina.

25:22 Gina schools you.

25:23 Class dismissed.

25:25 Oh.

25:26 Debbie, that was amazing.

25:27 Thanks.

25:28 By the way, Jake thinks you smell like What?

25:31 That's weird.

25:31 I don't know why she said that.

25:32 Anyways, let's get Debbie into a cop car.

25:34 Hello, sir.

25:35 Sorry again for tying you spread-eagle on the bed.

25:38 Apology not accepted.

25:40 Look, I know you're upset,

25:41 but this isn't your last chance to become commissioner.

25:44 John Kelly's old.

25:45 He's not going to be in office forever.

25:47 True, but he'll just be replaced by another mediocre old white man.

25:50 Nothing will ever change.

25:51 All right.

25:52 Well, what about all your goals for the 99?

25:54 You still have so much left to accomplish.

25:56 Wrong.

25:56 I have accomplished everything that I set out to do.

25:59 I wanted to reduce crime and I did.

26:01 There's no crime in Brooklyn anymore.

26:02 Seems like a bit of a stretch.

26:03 What about improving community relations?

26:05 Done.

26:06 Everyone loves the police.

26:07 It's embarrassing.

26:08 Way off, all right.

26:08 I'm stepping aside.

26:09 I got this.

26:10 Captain, what about the Halloween Heist?

26:12 I'll just come in and win it and then go back to my house.

26:14 Damn it, I'm out.

26:15 SHE'S A VEGAN.

26:17 What is going on?

26:18 You're right.

26:19 I couldn't help myself.

26:20 I wanted to know about her and I got what I deserved.

26:23 A vegan, a gluten-free vegan.

26:27 Charles, you need to calm down.

26:28 NO.

26:29 YOU CALLED IT, ROSA.

26:30 SO, go ahead.

26:31 Laugh at me.

26:32 LAUGH.

26:33 LAUGH IT UP.

26:34 CAN I wait till after the funeral?

26:36 Shh.

26:39 Of course you can.

26:41 We need two undercovers at the Dekalb Street warehouse party.

26:44 Uh, Boyle, you're already in costume as uh Joy Behar.

26:47 I'm Mario Batali.

26:49 Okay.

26:50 And uh, Santiago, you go with him.

26:52 Yes, sir.

26:53 Damn it.

26:54 Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween,

26:57 but stick with me and I promise you you will love it.

27:00 Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?

27:03 Kind, sober, and fully dressed.

27:04 Good news, everyone.

27:05 We found the name of Santiago's sex tape.

27:08 We can keep it in my office until it's time to leave.

27:10 What do you have in the pastry box, sir?

27:11 Brownies?

27:12 No, you hold brownies from the side.

27:13 He's holding it from the bottom.

27:14 True.

27:15 Maybe it's cheesecake.

27:16 There's no condensation on the box.

27:17 It's room temperature.

27:18 Look at the finger spread.

27:20 Tensing in the shoulders.

27:21 He's supporting something dense.

27:23 It's a pie.

27:25 It is a pie.

27:26 Damn, that was impressive.

27:27 Captain, I need a favor.

27:29 My apartment got broken into last night.

27:32 Gina, that's terrible.

27:33 Are you okay?

27:33 I'm fine, but I suffered the loss of many treasured items,

27:38 such as my grandma's jewelry,

27:39 some cash, and this very fancy gown with like a magic eye print.

27:44 Do you have any connections in the FBI or CIA?

27:47 There's no one else I can turn to to solve this crime.

27:50 Gina, you're working a police precinct.

27:51 You can turn to anyone here.

27:53 You think these buffoons can help?

27:54 They're buffoons.

27:55 They are not buffoons.

27:57 Try the heel.

28:01 Still don't feel any.

28:03 Awesome.

28:04 I wish I had nerve damage.

28:06 Some of them are buffoons, but I'll find some non-buffoons to investigate.

28:10 Could you ask Scully to return my thumbtacks?

28:13 I already put them in a biohazard bag and tossed them in the furnace.

28:16 Kookoo.

28:17 NO, YOU'RE THE FOOL.

28:20 HUH.

28:20 HEY, little man.

28:21 Why you so teeny?

28:22 [music] I'm not teeny.

28:23 I'm average size.

28:24 What a sad brag.

28:25 I I don't even know who you are.

28:26 But I know who you are, Devin.

28:28 You tell everyone you got a degree from Stanford,

28:31 but you really went to Stam Forb, an online college based in Arkansas.

28:37 It's a good school.

28:38 You live with your aunt.

28:38 That's sad.

28:39 [music] And you spend a third of your salary on tropical fish and aquariums.

28:44 You know, I found all this off of [music] 20 minutes of idle snooping around.

28:48 Imagine what I could do with a dedicated couple of hours.

28:51 [music] What do you want?

28:53 I want you to give the internet back to my friends.

28:56 Okay?

28:56 Or I'll keep digging and digging [music] and digging and digging.

29:01 Fine, fine.

29:02 I'll give you back your internet, okay?

29:04 Just we're through.

29:05 Oh, and maybe your coworkers would like to know

29:08 what happened on your seventh grade field trip to DC.

29:10 You monster.

29:11 He pooped in the reflecting pool.