holt vs. wuntch: enemies to the bitter end | Brooklyn Nine-Nine | Comedy Bites

0:00 Hello, Raymond.

0:07 Captain W.

0:08 Good to see you.

0:09 But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

0:13 It's Deputy Chief W now.

0:15 Unsurprisingly, I've been promoted above you.

0:17 And now I'm here to evaluate you.

0:19 What happened to Brandt?

0:20 He retired and moved to Charleston to be closer to his grandchildren.

0:24 So much for dying at your desk with little dignity.

0:27 Interesting.

0:27 I will attempt to cooperate with you under these new circumstances.

0:32 Don't sweet talk me, Halt.

0:34 I gave it my best shot.

0:36 Let's begin.

0:39 And since my arrival, violent crime has gone down by 17.3%, as you can see here.

0:47 Two-toned grass.

0:48 You think you can distract me

0:49 from this precinct's problems with a flashy presentation?

0:52 Same old Ray Halt.

0:54 All sizzle, no steak.

0:56 We were doomed the minute she slithered into the precinct.

0:59 It's funny.

1:00 When we first met, we had some good times.

1:06 Looks like we both want that stapler.

1:08 Seems that way based on what happened.

1:14 So, when did it all go south?

1:17 1989.

1:17 I was up for a big promotion, which would have fasttracked my career.

1:20 once offered to write a letter on my behalf,

1:22 but instead she torpedoed me because of something that happened

1:25 the night before she was to turn it in.

1:29 Madlin, would you care for a drink?

1:34 I'd love one.

1:35 I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk.

1:37 I've had a couple to build up the nerve.

1:40 I think we both know what I'm about to say.

1:46 Raymond, I don't think we need to say anything.

1:51 I'm gay.

1:52 That's what I was going to tell you.

1:54 Well, then

1:56 she sabotaged my career because I refused to bed her.

2:01 Spot checks are done.

2:02 Needless to say, I'm thoroughly underwhelmed.

2:05 Huh?

2:05 From your expression, I would have guessed constipated or chilly.

2:10 Excuse us, Captain.

2:11 I don't want to say that I've saved the day, but I will cuz I did.

2:16 So, the letter of recommendation she wrote for you 25 years ago.

2:22 Where'd you get this?

2:23 I just went down to one police plaza and applied some of my signature Amy charm.

2:28 And then when you wouldn't stop, they just gave it to you.

2:30 More or less.

2:31 The point is, the letter is very positive.

2:34 You thought she wrote mean stuff about you

2:36 because of the night before, but she didn't.

2:40 It was all a misunderstanding.

2:42 Wait a minute.

2:43 You thought I cost you that promotion because you're gay.

2:47 That's what you've been mad about all these years.

2:50 It's one reason.

2:51 I don't care that you rejected my advances.

2:54 Your sexual identity is the one thing I actually respect about you.

2:58 Then what are you mad about?

3:00 I'm mad because you tried to get me thrown off the force.

3:03 Yeah, because you shot me.

3:04 I shot you because you were in the wrong position.

3:07 You weren't following orders.

3:08 What about the time you destroyed my personnel file while I was undercover?

3:11 What if there'd been a mole?

3:12 You were trying to make me disappear.

3:14 You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter.

3:16 You embarrassed yourself in front of Derek Jeter.

3:24 Well, goodbye, Raymond.

3:26 Anything you'd like to say to me before I complete my evaluation?

3:29 Something in the form of graveling?

3:32 Never.

3:32 Fail me if you must.

3:38 We received our grade.

3:40 Oh my god.

3:42 Is this goodbye?

3:44 There's still so much I have to say to you.

3:48 2.7 mediocre, but enough for you to stick around.

3:52 How did you get her to change her mind?

3:54 I had to compromise.

3:55 Everything I stand for.

3:56 You are now and always have been the superior police officer.

4:03 And the Derek Jeter thing was my fault.

4:07 Hello, Deputy Chief W.

4:08 You've aged.

4:10 Stay seated.

4:11 We can do this out here since you've already made yourselves comfortable.

4:15 Sergeant Jeffs, why don't you just lie down?

4:18 I can't sit any straighter than this.

4:20 We're here about a new and very potent

4:22 form of ecstasy which has surfaced in our precinct.

4:24 Street name giggle pig.

4:27 H.

4:28 An embarrassing blight growing right under your nose.

4:30 Not unlike that mustache you had when we first met.

4:33 That mustache was era appropriate.

4:36 The precinct just needs updated field kits to help us combat the problem.

4:40 This paperwork is a mess.

4:41 A semicolon that should clearly be a full colon.

4:44 Was this prepared by a recent immigrant?

4:46 It's just one typo.

4:48 It's gibberish.

4:50 Request denied.

4:51 So, they're calling the drug giggle pig.

4:53 Chief Fisker, Sergeant Jeffs, Raymond,

4:57 Deputy Chief Lunch, I didn't realize you'd be attending.

4:59 I can tell you have more of a fly catching gape than usual.

5:04 I've examined his proposal.

5:05 There's no proof that Giggle Pig is a serious problem.

5:07 So, we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic.

5:10 You're like the League of Nations in 36,

5:12 just hoping the Abbiscinian crisis resolves itself.

5:15 That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Adisaba.

5:19 Raymond, you sound so naive.

5:21 And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

5:25 I have no idea who's winning.

5:28 I am.

5:29 Captain Holt, how serious a threat do you really think Giggle Pig poses?

5:32 Very serious.

5:33 Or it could be nothing.

5:34 Or it could be the new crack.

5:36 The new crack.

5:37 And you only need $1,200 to fight it.

5:39 Well, in an ideal situation, uh,

5:41 we would attack the problem with a lot more firepower.

5:43 Perhaps even a task force.

5:46 That makes sense.

5:46 Let's make it happen.

5:49 That was amazing.

5:50 WE GOT A task force.

5:51 More importantly, lunch got served.

5:55 Oh my god.

5:56 Wunch sounds like lunch.

5:58 Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.

6:01 You got your task force.

6:02 I'm surprised.

6:03 That's funny.

6:04 After 20 years, I think you'd be used to me slam dunking in your face.

6:07 I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there.

6:10 I got you riled up.

6:11 You oversold giggle pig.

6:12 And now you're running an expensive task force at a time of budget cuts.

6:16 You better make some big arrests and quick

6:18 or you'll be the poster boy for departmental waste.

6:22 Slam dunk returned.

6:25 Not if we make those arrests.

6:27 Three-point dunk.

6:29 You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.

6:33 Baralto, how'd it go with Miller?

6:35 Fantastic.

6:36 He loved me.

6:36 I would give you more details,

6:37 but someone just came in to try and find her Dalmatian coat.

6:43 Hello, Raymond.

6:45 Madlin, I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.

6:48 What brings you here?

6:49 I heard you were under investigation by internal affairs.

6:52 Didn't want to miss that.

6:53 So much time with your ear to the pavement,

6:55 it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

6:58 Very visual.

6:59 When oh when will you quit police work and pursue your dream of poetry?

7:03 I'm looking for Detective Scully.

7:05 You must be from IAB.

7:06 I'm Deputy Chief WH.

7:07 Nice to meet you.

7:10 If you have a minute, I'd love a detailed report of this investigation.

7:13 IAB exists outside of department hierarchy.

7:15 I don't answer to you.

7:17 Detective Skully, you're up.

7:19 Oh.

7:19 Uh, okay.

7:20 Um, no.

7:22 You know, we'll do this over the phone.

7:24 Oh, Raymond.

7:25 An internal affairs investigation.

7:27 A drug task force that hasn't found any drugs.

7:30 This precinct's a disaster.

7:31 Maybe that's why the bird stopped singing.

7:34 Out of respect for the death of your career.

7:36 Goodbye, Raymond.

7:38 Ra.

7:39 Shouldn't you be suspended by now?

7:40 Yes.

7:41 And I know that you're mad that I'm here,

7:42 but you're about to get over it because I know who the mole is.

7:46 Lieutenant Miller.

7:47 I don't think he's with IAB at all.

7:49 I think he's spying for WC.

7:52 W.

7:52 You said it yourself.

7:53 Your battles extend beyond the confines of NYPD rules.

7:56 She wants information about your task force, but she can't get access.

7:59 So, she sent in a spy.

8:00 That's why Miller was skulking around the file room

8:03 when I was supposed to be the only skullker.

8:05 That's interesting.

8:05 I did notice something odd when he and W first met.

8:08 She just nodded at him.

8:09 She didn't even try to shake his hand.

8:15 She already knew he was a germaphobe because they'd met before.

8:21 Yes.

8:21 Okay.

8:21 I could get in a lot of trouble

8:22 for this, but the big secret about Captain Halt is

8:27 that I have a flare for the dramatic.

8:30 Look behind you, Madlin.

8:35 We're actually in front of you.

8:36 That's my fault.

8:37 I thought the layout was going to be different.

8:39 Didn't know how you guys were going to be sitting.

8:40 I took a chance.

8:41 Miller may be in internal affairs, but he wasn't here on official business.

8:44 You sent him to spy on us.

8:46 That's a flagrant ethics violation, Meline, and it could sink you.

8:50 Fine.

8:50 You're right.

8:51 But you can't prove that.

8:53 It's just your word against mine.

8:55 Ooh, actually, it's your word against you.

8:58 Pardon me.

9:00 I put a recording device in this dope drive, so I got your whole conversation.

9:04 You're going to leave my precinct and my task

9:06 force alone or else you're lunch meat.

9:12 You sure you want to go with that one?

9:14 Absolutely.

9:14 It's hilarious.

9:17 Right.

9:16 Good morning, Diaz Peralta.

9:18 Captain, you're smiling.

9:21 It's very weird, like seeing a turtle out of its shell.

9:24 I'm happy.

9:25 Our drug task force was a success, and today I get to watch my nemesis,

9:28 Meline WC, drape a metal around my neck.

9:31 Also, we clean up the streets.

9:32 Yeah, sure.

9:33 That's good, too.

9:33 So, I've been planning how to zing Meline when she puts the metal on.

9:37 I have the perfect line.

9:38 Lunchtime is over.

9:42 It's a It's a play on lunchtime.

9:44 Yes.

9:44 Devastating burn, sir.

9:46 But you know what would really show her is if you said nothing at all.

9:49 Oh, interesting.

9:49 Interesting.

9:50 Let Let Meline know she's not even

9:51 worth my staying up all night crafting zingers.

9:53 Lunchtime took you all night.

9:55 Trust me.

9:56 Turn the other cheek.

9:57 Which I recently learned is about faces and not butts, but works either way.

10:02 Yes, I should be the bigger person.

10:04 It shouldn't be hard given that Matlin's not technically a person.

10:08 For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on detectives Rosa Diaz,

10:15 Jake Peralta, and Captain Raymond Holt.

10:26 Raymond.

10:29 Madlin,

10:27 you won.

10:29 Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

10:32 Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.

10:36 Oh, okay.

10:40 You're welcome.

10:42 LUNCH TIME IS OVER.

10:43 BOOM.

10:43 DID IT.

10:44 HAD IT both ways.

10:46 No regrets.

10:48 Deputy Chief One is here to see you.

10:50 Oh, please stay Diaz.

10:51 I need a witness in case her head

10:53 starts spinning around or she turns into a shewolf.

10:55 Hello, Raymond.

10:57 No flaccid rejoinder.

10:58 H.

10:59 What's going on?

11:00 I'm here on important business.

11:02 I'm a frontr runner for a job in the Boston PD.

11:04 Boston, but it's so close to Salem.

11:07 You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

11:09 This is amazing.

11:10 The job is chief of police.

11:12 I see.

11:13 So, you've come to brag.

11:17 No.

11:17 The only blemish on my record is our long history of interpersonal turbulence.

11:22 The Boston Commissioner would like to speak with you about it.

11:26 I've come to ask for your help.

11:28 The commissioner will be called.

11:33 Oh, moment savored.

11:35 So, where were we?

11:36 Ah, yes.

11:37 You were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.

11:41 I'm grappling with a highly vexing conundrum.

11:45 What to do about Deputy Chief Winch?

11:47 Precisely.

11:47 I could torpedo her promotion.

11:49 Just saying it rims my soul with joy.

11:52 But to do so would mean that she stays here

11:54 in New York City hanging over me like an albino bat.

11:59 On the other hand, if I praise W, she will leave the city.

12:02 The clouds will part and the children will sing once she's gone.

12:06 What children?

12:07 All the children.

12:08 Right.

12:08 That was a stupid question.

12:10 What was Sergeant's advice?

12:11 Oh, you and I both know what Mother Jeff would say.

12:13 Take the high road.

12:14 But I asked you, Detective Diaz, because you understand vengeance.

12:21 Yes, I do.

12:23 I had an nemesis once, Carla Bianke.

12:27 She wronged me and I crushed her like a gnat between my fingers.

12:32 I got her suspended from the second grade.

12:35 Second grade.

12:35 That little turd hoarded all the good markers.

12:38 But eventually she came back to school and she

12:41 made the next 10 years of my life miserable.

12:46 It's not worth it.

12:47 Be nice to W.

12:49 be nice to watch.

12:51 You may go now.

12:54 Mother Diaz.

12:55 Well, Diaz, the deed is done.

12:57 You torpedoed her promotion.

12:59 Sadly, no.

12:59 I gave that goblin a good recommendation.

13:02 Your story about the marketer really hit me.

13:05 I began to realize that if even you thought I should take the high road,

13:08 that was probably the right choice.

13:10 I'm sorry you didn't get your vengeance, Mother Holt.

13:13 Good one.

13:14 But I am still planning to get some retribution.

13:16 I got her a parting gift.

13:20 Tickets to Wicked

13:22 in Boston.

13:23 She's moving to a secondass city and I wanted to rub her nose in it.

13:27 Enjoy the understudies, Madeline.

13:29 Have fun watching some chubby Chennaw

13:30 with knockoff warble her way through popular.

13:35 Hello, Meline.

13:36 Raymond, I was just about to call you.

13:38 I wanted to thank you for your kind recommendation.

13:40 And I wanted to give you this Wicked starring Beth Denoo.

13:47 Well played, Raymond.

13:49 Sadly, I won't be able to use them since I'm not going to Boston.

13:53 What?

13:53 I was only interested in the Boston offer as leverage.

13:56 I used it to get a promotion from the NYPD.

13:58 I have never had more power over you than I do at this very moment.

14:02 I wanted to give you these as a thank you.

14:05 You're joking.

14:08 I'm going to call the commissioner.

14:11 I know you never would have recommended me for that Boston

14:13 Post if deep down you didn't think I deserve the job.

14:26 What the?

14:28 My lady left me.

14:30 My lady stayed.

14:32 Come on, sir.

14:33 Focus on the good.

14:34 You can hold your head up.

14:36 You took the high road with Wunch.

14:37 Not entirely.

14:39 When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto correct.

14:41 Now when she types, it gets replaced with Bud.

14:45 Over the past 6 months,

14:46 all four of these guys have been released and now one of them shows up dead.

14:49 Someone's after that money, and they're willing to kill for it.

14:54 You're getting ahead of yourself.

14:55 You don't know that Mata's death is connected to the money yet.

14:58 Don't turn this into something bigger than it is.

15:00 Not with Madlin WC watching us at all times.

15:05 Ew.

15:06 When'd they put that in?

15:07 Right after W got promoted.

15:09 She had it installed at that height so

15:10 she'd quote always be looking down at me, unquote.

15:13 Treat this like a regular case.

15:17 Hello, Raymond.

15:18 How do you like my new office?

15:20 20th floor.

15:21 Yes.

15:21 I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

15:23 Enough nicities.

15:24 Have a seat.

15:25 Thanks, but I'm actually fine standing.

15:27 I could stay in these bad boys all day.

15:31 So, two members of the Fton Street 4 have been murdered.

15:34 Sounds like a big case.

15:36 No, it's actually the opposite.

15:37 Pretty much an NBT sitch.

15:39 No big thing.

15:41 The word is thing.

15:42 And the thing is big.

15:44 We believe someone is after the missing 21 million.

15:46 And solving this murder could lead us to the money.

15:49 Sure, but that money is like 25 years old.

15:51 It's probably not even good anymore.

15:54 Sorry, cramped up.

15:56 This is a very important case, Raymond.

15:58 To me and to the city of New York.

16:00 I'm not sure the 99 has the resources to deal with something of this magnitude.

16:04 I understand the politics.

16:06 This is a high-profile case.

16:07 Do what you must.

16:09 What I was going to say is since you don't have the resources.

16:13 I'll give you anything you need.

16:14 The case is yours.

16:15 You have my full support.

16:16 What?

16:17 He meant that more excited.

16:18 Like what?

16:20 Okay.

16:21 Two of the Fulton Street 4 are dead.

16:24 My hunch one of them is killing off his cog

16:26 scum so he can keep the money for his scum self.

16:28 We'll start with Reggie Bledsoe.

16:29 He listed a Brooklyn address with his pearl officer.

16:31 We're going to nail this son of a Unless he's innocent,

16:34 then we're going to save this son of a

16:35 Either way, this case is going to be awesome.

16:37 Brought, I'm putting myself on this investigation with you.

16:40 What?

16:40 Why?

16:41 W is up to something.

16:42 There's only one reason why she would let us keep this case.

16:44 She took one look at me and said, "That's the guy I want flying my chopper."

16:47 You know how to fly a chopper?

16:48 How are you going to be?

16:49 It's just a big fan that goes in the sky.

16:50 She let us keep this case because she wants us to fail.

16:53 I'm coming along so that you don't waste time

16:55 and resources turning this investigation into another Ron Mlan movie.

16:59 Oh, you know it's John Mlan.

17:01 I've made my decision.

17:02 End of discussion.

17:04 This rules.

17:05 Did you know that my dream has always been

17:07 to have my picture taken with a mountain of recovered cash?

17:09 It's always been my dream to take that picture of you, Jake.

17:13 Oh, yeah.

17:15 $21 million.

17:16 Raymond, I have to admit, I'm impressed.

17:19 Sorry to disappoint you, Meline.

17:21 I know you'd hoped we failed.

17:22 Oh, no.

17:22 I couldn't be happier.

17:24 Wait, why would you say that?

17:27 And why aren't you clenching your little rat hands in anger?

17:33 You didn't want me to fail.

17:35 You wanted me to succeed.

17:36 That's right.

17:37 I was looking for an excuse to promote you to a death job.

17:41 And you handed it to me on a silver platter with your little rat hands.

17:44 Oh no.

17:45 Say goodbye to the 99.

17:46 Raymond, I'm making you head of NYPD public relations.

17:52 Captain, get in here with me.

17:54 Go ahead.

17:54 Smile for the cameras.

17:55 Raymond, that's your new job now.

18:00 Hey.

18:00 Okay, quick.

18:01 Let's pose back to back with our arms crossed and a cocky smirk.

18:07 You doing it?

18:07 Are your arms crossed?

18:08 Nope.

18:08 Arms down.

18:09 That's good.

18:10 Before our current police commissioner was hired,

18:12 a mutual friend told me Madlin wrote a letter

18:14 to the mayor telling him it was a mistake.

18:17 She apparently called her now boss a quote sering buffoon unquote.

18:22 Madlin, thank you for coming.

18:23 Raymond, always a pleasure to call on a vanquished foe.

18:25 I feel like Jackie Joiner Kirsty congratulating one of the other slower runners.

18:29 Buckle up.

18:30 It's going to be a hell of a ride.

18:32 Curtis sit.

18:33 I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.

18:35 Calling me the devil.

18:36 How original, Raymond.

18:38 Actually, I was calling you a goat.

18:39 You goat.

18:43 I'd like to talk about my promotion.

18:45 Very well.

18:45 But first, how do I know you're not wearing a wire?

18:48 I need to pat you down.

18:51 If you must.

19:00 What is going on?

19:03 I'm watching something.

19:04 So, here's how I see this going down.

19:06 You plead for your job back, I refuse.

19:08 You start weeping like a war widow.

19:09 Does that sound about right?

19:11 Don't count your gross fish babies before they've hatched, Madlin.

19:22 How did you get this?

19:23 Gina and Terry got it, you grle.

19:25 It doesn't matter how I got it.

19:27 Sorry, sir.

19:28 Didn't realize that was how you wanted to play it.

19:31 So, you've got an audience for this little stunt.

19:33 Yes.

19:33 Well, who wouldn't want to see a man fight a crocodile?

19:36 Now, Madlin, before one of us starts weeping like a war widow,

19:40 would you like to give me my precinct bag?

19:42 It's not that simple.

19:43 I can't just reverse your promotion.

19:45 You have until tomorrow.

19:48 You crackle.

19:52 Welcome, Meline.

19:53 Have you thought things over?

19:54 I have, but first, how do I know you're not wearing a wire?

20:09 So, I thought it over.

20:11 And perhaps you should go ahead and show that letter to the commissioner

20:15 and let him fire you.

20:16 I'll deny I wrote it.

20:17 It will take months to authenticate,

20:19 which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here.

20:23 There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach.

20:26 I think I'll transfer Diaz there.

20:28 Detective Bole I'll send to Long Island City.

20:31 Santiago will be a great fit for Palm Bay.

20:34 And Peralta, your little pet project.

20:38 I'm going to ship him off to Staten Island.

20:41 Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fist fights.

20:47 Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond.

20:50 What are you going to do?

20:52 I know you've been working on picking a name

20:54 for the pigeon mascot for uh several months now.

20:58 I feel like you might need a breather.

21:00 Uh so I've prepared an eight-point presentation on community engagement.

21:04 We'll get you a presentation, Raymond.

21:06 It's on the agenda.

21:07 It says here it's scheduled quote after everyone leaves unquote.

21:11 And not a minute later.

21:12 Trent Bryce, where are we with the name?

21:14 We've narrowed it down to two choices.

21:16 Pey or Paulie.

21:18 With all due respect, that pigeon is clearly a Ray J.

21:22 Hi, Gina Lanetti.

21:24 The human form of the 100 emoji.

21:27 I'd like to hear Captain Holt's thoughts on a name.

21:29 Very well.

21:29 My thoughts are, who cares?

21:32 Give us a name, Raymond.

21:34 Weigh in on this.

21:35 It's your job now.

21:37 No.

21:38 A name.

21:39 Pedia Paulie.

21:40 Wishes it.

21:41 What does it matter?

21:42 Why'd you even choose a pigeon anyway?

21:43 It's a terrible mascot.

21:45 Because they're a staple of New York.

21:46 They're non-threatening and they're everywhere.

21:48 They're carriers of DISEASE AND THEY EAT GARBAGE.

21:51 NAME THE PIGEON.

21:52 RAYMOND,

21:52 YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

21:53 I CAN MAKE YOU AND I WILL.

21:55 NAME THE PIGEON.

21:56 DEATH AND ORDER.

22:06 POLLY.

22:05 Thank you.

22:05 Was that so hard?

22:09 I like what you've done with your office, Raymond.

22:12 It's cozy, like the shoe box one buries a dead hamster in.

22:16 So, what did you want to see me about?

22:18 I'd like to propose a truce.

22:20 Our feud is getting in the way of the NYPD's business.

22:22 Madlin, the PR department is a joke.

22:24 The work here is meaningless.

22:26 Nine weeks to choose the name Paulie.

22:29 I knew instantly it should be Pepper.

22:31 Officer Pepper Pigeon.

22:33 Maybe we should start the whole naming process all over again.

22:36 I could turn this department around if you'd let me.

22:38 You're wasting my talents.

22:40 This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a fetone.

22:44 Yes.

22:45 Yes.

22:45 Perhaps you're right.

22:47 Perhaps I am wasting your talents.

22:49 I want you to spread your wings, as it were.

22:52 I think we found the perfect person to wear the pigeon costume.

22:56 It's you, Raymond.

22:58 Do we need to get the costume molded or do you have your own pigeon pants?

23:01 No, Madlin.

23:03 I don't have my own pigeon pants.

23:06 Ah,

23:06 there it is.

23:07 The shriveled husk of Raymond Hol.

23:10 Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?

23:12 Enough for play.

23:14 I'm here to discuss the department's new smuggling task force.

23:17 A task force?

23:19 Oh, I thought you'd be handing me another vapid PR assignment.

23:22 I am.

23:22 We need to choose a phrase to replace the phrase task force.

23:26 Our research suggests it's too aggressive.

23:29 What?

23:29 I like it.

23:30 The task force sounds like some sort of body spray for hot dudes.

23:34 Oh, and um one more thing.

23:36 Since your little stunt with the subway poster,

23:39 I think you could use some supervision.

23:41 Bob will be keeping an eye on you.

23:43 It's going to be fun, Ray.

23:44 But I'm his boss.

23:46 Oh, ouch.

23:47 How demeaning.

23:51 NYPD, NOBODY MOVE.

23:52 WHERE'S Braxton O'Reilly?

23:54 Where's that psycho monster?

23:56 He's dead.

23:57 Our condolences.

24:01 You're working in a case.

24:02 I freaking knew it.

24:03 You're a liar.

24:04 And you?

24:05 You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up.

24:08 I'm disappointed, too.

24:10 No one cares, Bob.

24:11 And after all your socalled detective work, you didn't even get the right guy.

24:16 Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.

24:18 It was an error, but

24:19 do not interrupt me.

24:20 Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.

24:21 Seven times.

24:22 Once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.

24:26 Same goes for you, Peralta,

24:27 except for the uh juicy ass part cuz your ass is stupid.

24:30 Now get the hell out of my office.

24:32 That you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured.

24:34 You know what else shows how much you've matured?

24:36 Your withered face.

24:37 Now I know why you refer to this as a suicide squad.

24:40 Because I already want to kill myself.

24:42 Why don't you wait a week?

24:43 You'll probably die of old age.

24:44 The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one

24:46 of your bony fingers and drag me across the river sticks, you reaper.

24:50 Ah, wonderful.

24:51 Very creative.

24:52 I want the same as you, Raymond.

24:53 I think what John Kelly is doing is terrible.

24:55 Yes.

24:55 Well said, one.

24:56 So, we're all on board.

24:58 Suicide squad on three.

24:59 Ready?

25:00 One, two.

25:01 I don't touch other dudes hands.

25:02 Whose hand is sticky?

25:03 Oh, that might be me.

25:03 I ate a popsicle earlier.

25:05 It's probably Meline.

25:05 Cockroaches release a mucouslike secretion.

25:08 You would know about roaches, you roach.

25:10 And three, Suicide Squad.

25:12 Something's going on with lunch.

25:13 I heard your app caught a serial killer.

25:15 Hot clues strikes again.

25:17 Yes, indeedy.

25:21 What the hell, Raymond?

25:22 You were following me?

25:24 I don't know what you're talking about.

25:25 I've been here the whole time.

25:26 My mistake.

25:26 These two goons were carrying a dirty old mop that looked exactly like you.

25:30 What did you do?

25:31 She's up to something.

25:32 I'm sure of it.

25:32 I smooth things over with Meline and she's agreed to rejoin the suicide squad.

25:36 Oh, goody gumdrops.

25:37 But do we even need her?

25:39 What did she bring to the table?

25:40 30 years of police experience.

25:41 I have 33.

25:42 I earned a police combat cross.

25:43 I have a Medal of Honor.

25:45 I own the record for most arrests as a uniformed officer in NYPD history.

25:48 You got me there.

25:49 Of course, I never spent much time in uniform

25:51 because I was promoted to detective after 1 month.

25:54 They're not allowed to do that.

25:55 It's against the rules.

25:56 It's also against the rules to let a pile of worms wear a uniform.

25:58 And yet, here you stand.

26:00 Okay, just stop.

26:00 Look, sir, I've explained this.

26:01 Once she's the only one that can get close to Kelly, we need her.

26:05 Okay, the worm pile stays.

26:07 Great.

26:07 That was our last obstacle, except for one other thing.

26:09 I promised her that you would apologize for everything you've ever done to her,

26:12 including the Michelle Obama incident.

26:14 Yes, she mentioned that specifically.

26:15 I'm very curious what happened there.

26:16 Oh, nothing, but fine.

26:19 I'm sorry, Madeline, for everything.

26:23 Especially for pushing you into Michelle

26:26 Obama from behind and then running away.

26:29 What?

26:30 Sir, it was very funny.

26:31 Apology accepted.

26:31 There's a policeman's ball tonight.

26:33 I can plant the bug on Kelly there.

26:34 And since you don't trust me, you can be my plus one.

26:37 Oh, please.

26:37 Everyone knows we're enemies.

26:39 It would raise suspicion.

26:40 Don't worry.

26:40 I know just what to tell people.

26:43 Meline and I are now lovers.

26:47 How do we get close enough without attracting attention?

26:49 We could dance.

26:50 You must know some moves.

26:51 You were mentioned by name in the monster mash.

26:53 Fine, but on two conditions.

26:55 We stay at least 4 in apart at all times.

26:57 And you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.

27:02 See,

27:02 you move well.

27:03 Must be all the extra legs, you crab.

27:05 Don't you find this exhausting?

27:07 Thinking of fresh insults?

27:08 Not at all, you coffin cave mold beetle.

27:12 I meant our relationship.

27:14 Aren't you tired of the rivalry?

27:15 We fight and we fight and nothing changes.

27:18 But we're really not so different.

27:19 I suppose we were close once.

27:21 Remember Brighton Beach?

27:23 1,200 kilos of heroin in an abandoned subway tunnel.

27:26 How could I forget?

27:27 The largest drug bust in NYPD history pulled off by the most unlikely duo.

27:32 A woman and a gay black detective.

27:34 No, I meant a human and a rotted jacko'lantern.

27:39 Don't be so hard on yourself.

27:40 You weren't all the way rotted back then.

27:44 There's John Kelly.

27:44 Twirl me into him and I'll place the bunk.

27:48 Hello, John.

27:49 Right on time, Meline.

27:50 Did Raymond buy it?

27:51 Did he think you were bonding?

27:53 He was smiling at me like an idiot.

27:55 You've betrayed us, you coughing cave mold beetle.

27:59 This is rock bottom.

28:00 Oh, Raymond, this is sad.

28:02 He's the one you think of like a son, right?

28:04 Or are you closer to Santiago?

28:05 Not that it matters.

28:06 They're both equally going to prison.

28:07 Oh, come on, Maline.

28:08 There's no need to gloat.

28:10 Though it does feel good.

28:12 Gloaty, gloat, gloat.

28:13 I knew I never should have trusted you.

28:15 Yes.

28:15 Obviously not.

28:17 You dumb dumb.

28:18 John, you're going to want to remember this.

28:19 Why don't you just snap a photo?

28:21 Oh, yeah.

28:24 Yeah.

28:24 Why don't you get in there with him?

28:25 Oh, why the heck not?

28:26 My kids just got me a digital picture frame.

28:28 All right, everybody say 99.

28:32 99.

28:32 Raymond, I love the scowl, but could you slump your shoulders a bit more?

28:36 Remember, you're a man who just lost everything.

28:39 And done.

28:43 We got it, Peralta.

28:45 Boo.

28:45 Are they totally shocked?

28:46 Is Kelly like, "What just happened?"

28:48 What just happened?

28:49 You've been had John.

28:50 You see, when you handed me your unlocked phone just now to snap that photo,

28:54 I cloned it to a secure network server.

28:56 When you handed once your locked phone, I already said that part.

28:59 Nobody's going to start knowing.

29:00 OKAY.

29:00 DAMN, I GET IT.

29:01 I'll come to you.

29:02 No, you're staying here at the 99.

29:04 I just talked to Meline once.

29:05 She's making a personnel change, which frees up some room in the budget.

29:09 Really?

29:09 What kind of personnel change?

29:10 I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective.

29:14 She said that's against regulations and has decided to rectify the situation.

29:19 Rectify it.

29:20 How?

29:32 Maybe Meline wants to inform us all that she's a chuken.

29:35 A what?

29:35 A chuken.

29:36 A Korean toilet ghost.

29:37 lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat,

29:40 and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.

29:42 You know what?

29:42 I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a chukes.

29:46 Okay, everyone.

29:48 I have some news.

29:48 The Maline W is a Korean toilet ghost.

29:51 Boring.

29:52 We already knew that.

29:53 Maline W is dead.

29:55 Say what now?

29:56 The commissioner's office just notified us.

29:58 No way that's true.

29:59 As one says when she sees deodorant, I'm not buying it.

30:03 Sir, she's dead.

30:04 Oh, Terry, zombies can't die.

30:06 This is some sort of scam.

30:08 If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in this.

30:11 I'm sure you consider my unttimely Beth a victory.

30:14 But I'd never let you win.

30:15 I told everyone that in my final days, we reconciled and you insisted on hosting

30:20 and organizing my NYPD memorial service.

30:23 I know you won't be able to resist badmouthing me at the service.

30:26 All the top brass will be there.

30:28 And when you speak ill of me, it will end your career.

30:30 As God said, when once tried to sneak

30:32 past the gates into heaven, it ain't happening.

30:34 Honey.

30:36 Adam.

30:36 Is it?

30:37 I only asked because Meline never mentioned you.

30:39 Interesting.

30:39 Cuz she mentioned you to me as a friend.

30:42 Friend?

30:43 I think you added an R to the word fiend.

30:45 No, I'm sure it was friend.

30:46 I mean, based on context alone,

30:48 you wouldn't say somebody was one of my closest fiends.

30:50 Oh, you might.

30:50 We had a very contentious relationship.

30:52 She never forgave me for embarrassing her in front of Derek Jeter.

30:56 Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod and JLo together

30:59 for 15 years.

31:00 I replaced her anti-rinkle cream with sour cream.

31:03 I replaced her lactate pills with Tic Tacs.

31:05 Dead was crap in her pants for months.

31:07 She hacked into my Netflix account and watched

31:09 the Lizzie Magcguire movie on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

31:11 She made me guard that doctor who came back to New York with a bola.

31:15 Sir, maybe I want to keep it down.

31:16 That witch ruined my life.

31:18 She demoted me from captain to uniformed officer.

31:20 Eight years ago, she had me kicked off the force entirely.

31:23 You were not her greatest rival, and the proof is right here.

31:27 Hello, Adam.

31:28 I may be dying, but I burned down your cabin in Maine.

31:31 You were my one true rival.

31:34 Sir, over here.

31:35 Where were you?

31:36 Why are you holding the mean yelling speech?

31:38 Because I'm going to yell it meanly.

31:40 I wasted half my life hating that duplicitous hag.

31:43 And she didn't even have the decency to truly hate me back.

31:46 Well, screw her.

31:47 I'm going to ruin her memorial.

31:49 No, you can't do that.

31:50 If you read that speech, you'll be fired.

31:53 You're right.

31:54 And that would ruin my career.

31:56 And it's worth it.

31:58 I'm giving the speech.

31:59 That's what W wanted.

32:02 You're letting her win.

32:03 Wow, that speech would have been amazing.

32:05 I had to look up what a toilet ghost was.

32:08 Uh, yes.

32:08 I took a trip to Korea just to research new W insults.

32:11 In fact, it's been a motivation for most of my international travel.

32:14 So, you guys are friends now?

32:16 Uh, yes.

32:16 It seems we have a great deal in common.

32:18 Well, one thing, hating lunch.

32:21 I read him the obituary I wrote for, but the Times wouldn't publish it.

32:24 It had too many obscenities.

32:25 And I read him my all cap speech, and I loved it.

32:28 It was like poetry.

32:30 Meline smelled like dog crab.

32:32 Raymond convinced me the best way to get back

32:34 at lunch is to make sure he doesn't get fired.

32:36 On this sad day, I'd like to say a few words about Commissioner W.

32:41 Meline smelled like dog crap.

32:43 But crap from any I I don't know what sick dog.

32:48 Adam, what are you doing?

32:49 I'm showing everyone your true colors.

32:52 Raymond Holt, enjoy the show, people.

32:55 Trick-or-treaters will dress like her for generations.

32:58 Hey Diaz, delete all the videos.

33:02 Deleted.

33:02 It's over.

33:03 Yeah, for you.

33:04 Everyone who's anyone in NYPD just saw you for your true self.

33:07 Your career is ruined.

33:09 Ray Ray, who are you?

33:10 Why are you doing this?

33:11 I'm Meline W's nephew.

33:13 She sent me here to carry out the final phase of her master plan.

33:16 And now it's all over.

33:17 Wait, why are you smiling?

33:20 Because, Adam, this isn't the real memorial.

33:23 It's all a ruse.

33:27 What?

33:26 Yeah.

33:26 What?

33:26 I knew W had one final trick up her sleeve.

33:29 I didn't know what it was, so I had to be prepared for anything.

33:32 This whole thing was staged.

33:34 None of these people are real mourners.

33:36 They're not even in the NYPD.

33:38 You hired actors.

33:39 Worse, they're members of local improv troops.

33:42 It's crazy.

33:43 After today, you never have to think about Maline W again.

33:46 Yes, I suppose you're right, sir.

33:48 Does that make you sad?

33:49 I don't know.

33:51 I think maybe yes.

33:56 Well, I think it's natural to feel a little down about her death.

34:00 For the last 20 years, your lives have been entangled because of her ratty hair.

34:05 No, it's not the same.

34:06 Now, it just feels like I'm insulting a helpless dead person.

34:09 As many of you know, Meline and I were bitter rivals.

34:12 But I've come to realize she held a special place in my life.

34:15 No one challenged me like she did or made me feel as alive.

34:22 Our relationship was like an epic chess match.

34:27 And it's hard to believe that she'll never make another move.