Superstore Moments I Think About Way Too Often

0:00 Racism.

0:01 You hear a lot about it, but what is it really?

0:04 Over the next 60 minutes, we are going to take a journey through time and race.

0:09 Thanks a lot, [music] guys.

0:10 When I woke up this morning,

0:11 I was hoping to learn about racism from a white lady.

0:13 How good of a dancer Jerome is?

0:16 Here's a riddle for you.

0:17 What do Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Nelson Mandela all have in common?

0:22 Answer: They were all prominent Africanamean leaders.

0:26 It's okay to goof around, but you should never mention someone.

0:31 How long you've been a racist?

0:33 Just today you me too.

0:35 So far, it's not really working out for me.

0:38 Because when we look past stereotypes,

0:41 we learn to appreciate all the colors of the cloud.

0:46 That sounds heavenly.

0:48 Oh, MC cool cloud, you are too much.

0:55 too much.

0:56 I think if there is any takeaway from today, it's this.

1:01 Anyone can be a racist.

1:04 Anyone.

1:05 Okay.

1:06 Yes.

1:06 I should not have done that impression,

1:08 but I want to be clear that I was not being racist.

1:12 I was making a comment about racism.

1:16 Well, yeah.

1:16 It's personally I'm not a fan of racist comments.

1:19 No, it's not what I was exaggerating on purpose to make a point.

1:24 Parody.

1:24 She was making a joke about racism.

1:26 Yes.

1:27 Well, are racist jokes okay again?

1:30 What?

1:29 Okay.

1:29 Uh, did you hear the one about the Jewish bird?

1:32 You know what?

1:32 Never mind.

1:33 Ooh, fun fact.

1:34 The dude that voiced MC Cool Cloud committed suicide in 1994.

1:38 No.

1:40 Terrible.

1:39 That makes sense.

1:40 We also need to remember that helping people just because they're white

1:44 is almost as bad as discriminating against them if they're not white.

1:50 It's exactly as bad.

1:52 Well, he was still helping.

1:54 I was helping that lady because she was old, not because she was white.

1:58 Agism is just as racist as racism.

2:01 That seems untrue.

2:03 It is very true, Jonah.

2:04 Okay.

2:04 Well, I think we can all go back to work.

2:07 Um, unless anyone wants to file an official complaint of racial bias.

2:15 Sandra, I often feel uncomfortable in the stock room.

2:18 There's a man there, S, who makes comments about my breasts.

2:21 Yeah.

2:22 Okay.

2:22 What you're talking about is sexual harassment, and that's a whole other video.

2:26 Okay.

2:26 It's just that sometimes he calls me at home.

2:29 Yeah, we're not going to watch another video, Sandra.

2:33 Okay.

2:34 Sorry.

2:35 [applause]

2:35 Okay.

2:35 Let's get back out there and uh let's remember color blind is

2:41 color blind.

2:42 I mean, it must be hard to believe in angels if you've never seen one firsthand.

2:46 Wait, you've seen an angel?

2:49 Sure have.

2:51 When?

2:53 Well, um when I was five,

2:55 I fell into the indoor pool at the Silver Dollar City Ramada Inn.

2:59 [sighs]

2:59 And I mean, I sank like a brick.

3:02 And I remember thinking I'd never see

3:04 my parents again when suddenly this figure appeared.

3:09 Did he have wings?

3:10 He did have wings.

3:12 Really?

3:12 He did.

3:13 And he sort of was like floating above me as if to say you're safe now.

3:19 Next thing I know, I'm back in our hotel room, dry as a bone.

3:23 So, you're saying reindeers actually exist?

3:25 Like in the real world?

3:27 We had a reindeer in the store at Christmas.

3:30 Yeah.

3:30 I didn't think it was a real reindeer.

3:31 I thought it was a normal deer with antlers nailed into its head.

3:35 Trouble in paradise.

3:37 Have you been in the break room all day?

3:39 Yeah, I'm just not feeling it today.

3:41 I know there are a lot of rumors flying around about the health fund,

3:44 but we are not kicking people out.

3:47 So, we have group A and also

3:51 for those with slightly more health requirements, we have group B.

3:55 Each group is exactly the same and also different.

3:59 Those in group A will continue to pay $20 a month.

4:03 And those in group B, based on projected expenses, will pay $200 a month.

4:12 Two Tupac sightings, two remote Mexican villages.

4:17 Same exact description.

4:19 And you know those people don't have the internet.

4:21 Okay, I'm sold.

4:22 I'm putting it in real.

4:23 In real.

4:23 You know what should be in mythical?

4:24 A man who knows where the G-spot is.

4:26 Justine contributor leave.

4:29 It's the third time you've made that joke.

4:31 Hey, you guys taking the coffee?

4:33 If we don't find enough budget cuts to cover her salary,

4:36 Lori is going to fire Myrtle.

4:39 What?

4:38 Wait, why would she fire Myrtle?

4:40 Nobody knows.

4:41 It's just random.

4:42 Because she's a Lori, not Myrtle.

4:45 Please.

4:45 Jeff did all kinds of crappy things and no one ever called him a

4:48 When Jeff changed the vendors for the vending machine, you called him a

4:54 Yeah.

4:54 Well, that's because the vending machine didn't have any Takis.

4:56 Sorry.

4:57 If Lorie is being a wouldn't the truly success thing be for me to not call her a

5:02 No, that's not the point.

5:03 Actually, I think I kind of agree with Marcus.

5:07 What?

5:07 Yes, Red Pill Brothers.

5:08 No, I just mean if we had true equality,

5:10 you could call out women for doing

5:12 something terrible when they're doing something terrible.

5:14 Like being a

5:15 See, there's that word again.

5:17 Maybe let's not use that.

5:18 Yeah, only women can use the word cuz we took that word back, right, ladies?

5:22 No, The gays took that from you.

5:24 Okay, I think we're off track.

5:25 To be honest, I'm not sure what on track would look like.

5:27 Hey, if Hitler was a woman, would you be defending Hitler?

5:30 No, obviously not.

5:31 What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?

5:33 I'm not sure one hosts a Holocaust.

5:36 Don't mansplain her.

5:37 Okay, I'm not in favor of any Holocaust, but if there was a Holocaust,

5:41 then yeah, Oprah is who I would want to host it.

5:43 And I actually agree with that.

5:45 Me, too.

5:46 Yeah, that's a really good I think we solved sexism, guys.

5:49 So apparently what's happening is called a nurse in.

5:52 It's meant to promote breastfeeding rights.

5:54 Wait, so they're going to be doing this in public?

5:56 That's gross.

5:59 Jesus.

5:59 All I'm saying is that from a heterero male perspective,

6:02 the female breast is a beautiful thing.

6:04 When we see milk squirting out of it, it's a real boner killer.

6:07 I just want everyone to know that I do not agree with this guy.

6:10 We allow breastfeeding.

6:11 So why are they protesting?

6:12 No one knows.

6:13 Women are crazy.

6:15 Well, it might be because

6:16 Shut up, Sandra.

6:17 No one knows.

6:18 So, why don't we just move on?

6:19 Okay.

6:19 So, if women can show their boobs in the store,

6:21 can I walk around with my penis hanging out?

6:23 You can't feed a baby with your penis.

6:25 But if I did, then it'd be okay.

6:26 Well, you're fighting for the right to walk

6:28 around the store with your penis hanging out.

6:30 No, I'm just trying to figure out where the line is here.

6:32 Yeah, I think the line is somewhere between breast and penis.

6:35 Okay, these are all good points,

6:36 but I think that maybe we need a woman's perspective.

6:40 Well, I think

6:41 I think a woman would say she's just happy to be a part of the conversation.

6:44 Why do they have to do it in public?

6:45 Why can't they just do it in their cars or by the dumpsters right up top?

6:49 Never gonna happen

6:51 again.

6:51 Maybe we could have a woman's perspective.

6:54 In my day, we called a gal who took her top off a There you are.

6:59 The woman's perspective.

7:01 If breast milk is so healthy,

7:02 why aren't we all drinking it all the time or making cheese with it?

7:05 Hold on.

7:06 Business idea.

7:08 Human cheese.

7:09 Nobody steal it.

7:10 I call patent.

7:11 Oh, so gross.

7:12 Gross.

7:13 Are you telling me you'll have sex with a woman but not a cow,

7:15 but drink a cow's milk and not a woman's?

7:18 Is that a real question?

7:19 Of course.

7:22 We eat cows.

7:23 I think what Garrett's trying to say is that if we ate human women,

7:26 then we could drink their milk.

7:28 Oh, wow.

7:29 Garrett, that is

7:30 I'm not saying that.

7:32 Disgusting.

7:32 Effective immediately, there will be no more talk about conspiracy theories.

7:35 Well, there goes my afternoon.

7:37 What's this about?

7:38 Some people think that sufferers may be

7:41 trying to control our minds, but they're not.

7:43 You know, even if it seems like they are

7:45 because of what they're making us say and do.

7:48 Okay, it doesn't matter what it seems like because we're

7:50 no longer going to entertain talking about these crackpot theories.

7:53 Okay, now hang on, cuz often these ideas

7:56 become stronger when people feel shamed or marginalized.

7:59 All right, let's talk this out.

8:01 Why do we think Zephra controls minds?

8:04 5G, it's bad stuff.

8:05 I did hear it makes birds kill themselves.

8:08 How does a bird kill itself?

8:09 Just stops flapping.

8:10 That's dumb.

8:11 There's no zephr conspiracy.

8:13 Oh, interesting.

8:14 An opposing viewpoint.

8:16 But the moon landing, now that was a big lie.

8:18 I'll tell you what's a big lie.

8:22 Love.

8:22 Don't you dare give up on love.

8:24 Cody's right.

8:24 They could have easily doctorred the moon landing footage.

8:27 Just like they show us photos where

8:28 the Earth looks round when it's definitely flat.

8:30 And we got there.

8:31 You're right, Jonah.

8:32 This is so much better than just shutting it down.

8:35 No.

8:35 You know what, Dina?

8:36 It can be, Marcus.

8:37 Let's talk this out.

8:38 I think that the Earth is round because of science.

8:42 Like, if you stand on a dock and you watch ships sail away,

8:45 they eventually disappear over the horizon.

8:47 You've done that.

8:48 Put on your little peacacoat and stood

8:49 on a dock for hours until ships disappear.

8:52 Well, I mean, scientists have,

8:55 but you haven't because you're afraid of what you would find out.

8:59 Just like we might be afraid of what we'd find in the Zephr only room,

9:04 which is probably nothing.

9:06 So, we should just blindly trust Zephr and get back to work.

9:09 Okay.

9:10 Okay.

9:10 Leading scientist admits Earth is flat.

9:13 Right there on Truth Warriors 1.biz.

9:15 Refute that.

9:16 I dare you.

9:18 [laughter]

9:18 Is it possible that the figure was floating because he was, you know, in a pool?

9:25 I know what I saw.

9:26 Yeah.

9:26 And I I believe that you believe that you saw that.

9:29 But you were also deprived of oxygen for a little while.

9:34 Why are you doing this?

9:35 Because he's jelly of your peanut butter.

9:37 No, no, no, no, no.

9:38 I'm not I'm not jelly.

9:40 No.

9:40 I I just I just think, you know, maybe what you saw wasn't um an angel.

9:45 Maybe what you saw was just a pasty hotel guest in a robe.

9:50 Yeah, maybe.

9:52 Mhm.

9:52 Maybe I'll consider that when I'm home this weekend alone.

10:04 My hand out of the pot.