House Dosing People Again and Again... | House M.D.

0:02 Are you mocking me?

0:03 My back.

0:04 My back is killing me.

0:05 Don't care.

0:06 Busy.

0:06 Amber's damn mattress.

0:08 Well, that sucks.

0:09 Don't buy a new one.

0:12 Are you being sarcastic?

0:13 Because we are buying one.

0:14 She's incapable of doing anything that matters

0:16 without turning it into a zero-sum game.

0:19 We're buying a mattress for us.

0:21 Wow, I'm faster than you right now.

0:28 It's all about her and whatever hapless salesman wanders into our sights.

0:33 She's going to lie, steal, and trade your testes to get whatever she wants.

0:39 Hold on.

0:39 Just going to do something before he dials a second one.

0:47 You're going to end up humiliated holding her purse and going

0:51 home to sleep on a new mattress you [music] hate.

0:54 What the hell are you doing?

0:56 He needs an MRI.

1:00 All right.

1:02 Mom.

1:03 Thank you, sweetie.

1:05 Here you go.

1:06 Thanks.

1:08 So, say you two got married.

1:11 Would you convert to Judaism?

1:14 We haven't gotten that far, Mom.

1:16 That's actually a really interesting question.

1:21 I'm an atheist.

1:22 Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists.

1:25 It's about community.

1:27 The House is not big on community.

1:30 And why do you call him House?

1:32 The man's name is Greg.

1:34 It makes it seem like you're not serious.

1:36 I'm just trying to help you think about the future.

1:38 You're you're a certain age now.

1:41 The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was.

1:44 You need to settle down.

1:46 Like your sister.

1:47 Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be.

1:49 Next week is Sam's birthday.

1:51 I was going to take her to the Poconos.

1:55 That's very sad.

1:58 Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion.

2:02 I just don't want Rachel growing up thinking you're a Okay.

2:06 I got this.

2:08 First of all, Mom.

2:15 Oh my god.

2:24 Did you sedate my mother?

2:29 Kicked him just in time.

2:31 She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new.

2:34 Think of it as my birthday gift to you.

2:38 Told me to keep my mouth shut.

2:40 It's the only way I had a chance.

2:42 Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath,

2:45 I have to admit that I'm I'm honestly relieved.

2:49 Your mom is quite a quite a handful.

2:52 What?

2:54 I feel Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

2:59 You drugged you drugged him?

3:00 Sorry.

3:02 I honestly thought you'd be worse.

3:06 That was my gift to myself.

3:19 I got to go.

3:20 No, no, he'll be here.

3:21 I'm sure he's just running a little late.

3:22 He's canceled two exams.

3:24 He's not going to He's scared of you.

3:26 Sure.

3:27 The ex-boy toy.

3:28 Yeah, that makes sense.

3:29 He wasn't scared before.

3:30 Right.

3:31 You you think being afraid of me is a symptom of a serious ailment?

3:34 Sudden mood swings, infantile regression, abdominal pain, he's passed out twice.

3:37 Yeah, I think it might be a medical problem.

3:40 minutes late.

3:40 I'm out of here.

3:41 Please.

3:43 He'll be here.

3:44 Why?

3:45 Because he loves you and does everything he's told?

3:48 Because I didn't tell him you'd be here.

3:59 He likes to see.

4:01 Yes, he does.

4:03 Stacy.

4:06 What's going on?

4:07 Hey.

4:08 Hi.

4:09 I'm Greg House.

4:10 You must be Matt.

4:11 Mark.

4:12 Mark what?

4:13 Don't get up.

4:15 Sorry.

4:15 I have coffee stains.

4:17 Hi.

4:18 Wow.

4:20 Greg House.

4:21 Yeah.

4:22 Wow.

4:22 No, I haven't been avoiding you.

4:23 I just didn't want to waste your time.

4:25 I had the other doctors check me out and they said it was just stress.

4:28 College season, kids, parents, they're all over me.

4:30 Makes sense to me.

4:31 Greg.

4:32 What do you want me to do?

4:33 You said you'd check him out.

4:34 He says he's healthy.

4:35 What's to check out?

4:36 Sorry for the mix-up, but I'm glad you two got a chance to catch up.

4:40 Looks like you're having fun.

4:42 Oh, he's good.

4:44 If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.

4:47 I can't tell you how much I like your fella.

4:49 Yeah, me, too.

4:52 You know, I thought you'd be all sarcastic,

4:54 bitter, you know, because Stacy married me.

4:58 You know, we should do things together.

5:00 We could throw a ball around or something.

5:02 Guy stuff.

5:02 [music] We could go for a run together.

5:04 It's Oscar Wilde.

5:05 Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on.

5:08 He needs to go to the hospital.

5:09 Here's to women.

5:10 Can't live with them, you can't kill them.

5:12 Tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.

5:14 Damn straight.

5:15 [music] I'm definitely taller.

5:23 I have more hair.

5:24 And I think that Oh.

5:27 Mark.

5:28 Oh.

5:31 Someone call 911 for a wagon to Princeton Plainsboro.

5:34 You dosed him?

5:38 It's okay, ladies and gentlemen, nothing to worry about.

5:41 Unless you had the veal.

5:41 You dosed him.

5:43 I told you I'd check him out.

5:44 I was a little worried they were going to get here before he passed out.

5:47 Could have been tempted to get into the drink.

5:49 He'll be all right.

5:51 We can talk.

6:29 You rang?

6:30 You called me.

6:32 Bought you an espresso.

6:33 You buy me coffee for a couple of weeks, so I thought I'd pay you back with one.

6:39 How did you walk with the cane and the two coffees?

6:45 Why are you suspicious?

6:46 Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice,

6:49 and then I have to deal with the horsemen

6:50 and the rain of fire and the end of days.

6:52 You think I spat in yours?

6:54 Or worse.

6:57 I stacked them.

7:20 Sorry it took me so long to get down here.

7:21 I'm Dr.

7:22 Wilson.

7:22 I guess Dr.

7:23 Stein's gone.

7:23 Don't worry about it.

7:24 I'll talk to him when we're done.

7:26 Dr.

7:26 Stein said they're probably calcium deposits.

7:28 Well, with your medical history, you don't want to take any chances.

7:33 I can't seem to put on my gloves today.

7:34 It's weird.

7:38 Okay.

7:39 Well, that's fine.

7:40 One's enough.

7:40 Well, let's have a look.

7:44 You sure talk fast.

7:46 This is nothing.

7:46 You should see me when we're busy.

7:50 I just winked at you.

7:51 I just I've never winked at a patient in my life.

7:52 I have no I I'm so sorry.

7:54 I I have no idea what I was thinking.

7:55 It's okay.

7:55 No, it's not.

7:56 I was hitting on you.

7:57 I mean, I wasn't I wasn't consciously hitting on you,

7:58 but I but you What else could you think?

8:00 That you were being reassuring?

8:02 Yeah, that would make sense.

8:02 On the other hand, I I feel like my heart's going to explode.

8:07 Are you okay?

8:08 I feel a little sweaty.

8:09 Am I Am I sweating?

8:11 Yeah.

8:13 [sighs]

8:11 Is something wrong?

8:12 I can't I can't put on gloves to do a breast exam.

8:15 Perfect.

8:16 Sorry.

8:19 [sighs] [sighs] It's 185.

8:26 185.

8:29 [sighs] 185.

8:31 Excuse me, I have to go kill someone.

8:37 You dosed me.

8:39 Yes, I did.

8:41 But only because you didn't trust me.

8:43 Your best friend.

8:44 You could have killed me.

8:45 Methamphetamines aren't going to kill you.

8:47 You don't know my medical history.

8:48 I could I I could have You could have given ME A HEART ATTACK.

8:53 ATTACK IS NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.

8:54 You're in a hospital.

8:55 Aha, you yawned.

8:59 Aha.

8:59 You tried to kill me.

9:00 I put you on uppers and you still yawned.

9:03 Means it's a symptom of being a big fat liar.

9:06 Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.

9:10 I'm not on antidepressants.

9:11 I'm on speed.

9:13 And that means it's a symptom of a cerebral tumor.

9:15 You got 6 weeks to live.

9:21 Who is it?

9:37 Oh god, House.

9:38 Maybe we should wait for Guys with even bigger guns.

9:41 Who know how to talk to armed or I shoot her.

10:03 Roll up your sleeve.

10:05 Give it to someone else first.

10:07 You're the only one who needs it.

10:09 Give it to someone else.

10:11 If it goes in okay, you can give a second dose to me.

10:17 I don't care who, just pick someone.

10:19 Again, had your brilliant plan included a room

10:21 full of hostages that don't have fetuses,

10:24 bacterial and fungal infections leaving their immune systems

10:27 too weak to deal with a metabolic strain,

10:29 or already on painkillers that have fatal interactions.

10:33 He's not on painkillers.

10:34 I heard him tell her in the clinic.

10:36 Oh, come on, man.

10:38 [clears throat] Don't take it out on us.

10:39 You got a problem with doctors?

10:41 Take it out on the doctors.

10:43 Give it to her.

10:47 She's sick.

10:49 You are a very large creep.

10:53 Take off your shirt.

11:04 Satisfied?

11:06 Fine.

11:10 Roll up your sleeve.

11:25 You think I'm an idiot?

11:27 Huh?

11:28 That's what you think?

11:29 Thought I had a little more time with a guy that size.

11:35 [panting] You're not going to do anything.

11:40 You still need me.

11:45 Oh, come on.

11:47 What are you doing?

11:47 He didn't do anything.

11:49 You're right.

11:50 I need you.

11:52 I also need you to know you can't screw with me.

11:58 [screaming] House.

12:10 Shh.

12:12 I'm with a patient.

12:18 Sleep study.

12:27 You drugged him?

12:30 I wouldn't say the study was voluntary.

12:39 I think you're sick.

12:41 Because I'm sleeping in the clinic like I always do?

12:46 Slow reaction time.

12:48 Because I just woke up from sleeping in the clinic like I always do.

12:52 You're forgetful.

12:54 Sorry, what did you say?

12:55 You forgot that we're supposed to have lunch.

12:56 I didn't forget.

12:57 I was sleeping in the clinic.

13:00 I'd like to run some tests.

13:02 For what?

13:03 Where's this coming from?

13:05 Hepatic encephalopathy.

13:07 I've watched you destroy your body with Vicodin for years.

13:09 I'm surprised your liver's lasted this long.

13:12 I'll do the examination myself.

13:15 Well, having you juggle my jewels sounds interesting.

13:19 There's no such thing as friends with benefits.

13:22 It always gets weird.

13:32 Pretzel?

13:33 Those are going to show up on my credit card.

13:34 It's seven bucks a bag.

13:36 There's an all you can eat buffet downstairs.

13:38 Studies show that $10 wine tastes better if you're told that it costs $90.

13:43 Sure the same thing has to be true with grape soda.

13:47 Have one.

13:49 You can toast your pending unemployment.

14:00 Yes, you can sit here running up my hotel bill,

14:03 or you can go get the woman of your dreams.

14:06 I didn't know Angela Merkel was attending the conference.

14:09 I just spoke with Cuddy.

14:11 She doesn't think you're reliable,

14:12 and you will remain friend-zoned until that changes.

14:17 I can't convince her that I change my entire personality in a weekend.

14:21 Yeah, but you could make the first step.

14:24 What does she need?

14:25 Today, a babysitter.

14:31 What are you thinking about?

14:33 Fjords.

14:34 You see, seriously.

14:36 I know this is out of your comfort zone, but don't scheme.

14:40 Don't Just do the deed.

14:43 You tell me that I got to show her I've changed,

14:45 and yet you act like you don't believe I can.

14:48 If I can't convince my best friend I'm sorry,

14:51 and I I I didn't mean I didn't mean I didn't mean [sighs] You drugged me.

15:08 She's better off without you.

15:16 Words can hurt, you know.

15:19 Hi again.

15:22 I'm sure I could say this without being condescending,

15:24 but then you get the false impression that I respect you.

15:26 So, you're a kid.

15:28 You're scared.

15:28 You're stalling.

15:29 Grow up.

15:31 I'm not scared.

15:32 I'm never scared.

15:33 See?

15:34 How juvenile was that?

15:36 You can't feel pain.

15:38 Nothing left but pleasure.

15:39 Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is.

15:41 It sucks.

15:42 Better than being in pain all the time.

15:44 Get in the chair.

15:46 Every morning, I have to check my eyes to make

15:48 sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.

15:50 Oh god, stop.

15:51 I'm in a pool of tears here.

15:53 I can't cry.

15:54 Neither can I.

15:56 Every morning, I check my eyes for jaundice

16:00 in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.

16:03 I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.

16:06 I can't run.

16:07 Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.

16:10 Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.

16:13 I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom.

16:17 Now, how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?

16:20 Bathroom's 50 ft from my office.

16:21 Every drink of water, I weigh the pros and cons.

16:24 After everything I do, I self-check.

16:26 Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts.

16:28 Count teeth, check [music] temperature, finger, toes,

16:30 and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.

16:33 I got shot.

16:39 I sat on a stove when I was three.

16:42 Want to see the coil marks?

16:43 Yeah.

16:43 You think I'm lying?

16:44 You think I would just want to check out your tookus, as your people would say?

16:56 Put her in the chair.

16:57 Run the damn tests.

16:59 She moves again, give her nitrous.

17:02 You weren't shot because of leg pain.

17:03 You were shot because you were a jerk.

17:05 Something tells me the two are connected.

17:12 Hi, honey.

17:16 How was your day?

17:23 Morning.

17:25 First of all, [snorts] my bad.

17:29 I've gone through this whole thing recently.

17:32 I don't want to bore you.

17:33 Short version.

17:35 I'm really trying to do work on some stuff.

17:37 This is a definite setback.

17:41 Although, in fairness, you really did make it tough.

17:46 Phantom pain, your missing arm,

17:50 five different kinds of painkiller in your medicine cabinet.

17:54 It's a mess.

17:56 Magic box of neurological trickery is full.

18:01 It would be a lot easier if you do what

18:03 the crazy [clears throat] guy who tied you up says.

18:11 Put your [snorts] hand in there.

18:11 Put your hand in there.

18:14 [panting] Now, look.

18:19 Mirror magic.

18:21 Your arm is back.

18:24 Now, clench both your fists at the same time.

18:27 Clench.

18:29 Real hard.

18:37 [snorts] If you believe in God, pray that this is going to work.

18:43 You might also want to ask him why he blew off your arm.

18:47 Ready?

18:50 Now, let go.

19:02 [laughter] Oh my god.

19:07 Relaxed.

19:08 36 [laughter] years I've been in pain, and it's finally gone.

19:13 Oh my [panting] [sighs] Thank you.