Stop doubting yourself and go after what you really, really want | Mario Lanzarotti | TEDxWilmington

0:00 Transcriber: Martina Giambattista Reviewer:

0:04 Emma Gon Would you believe me if I told you that self-doubt

0:19 is one of the best things that ever happened to you?

0:23 Seriously.

0:25 Right now, some of you may be confused.

0:28 Me too.

0:30 But as I learned the truth about self-doubt, my life transformed forever.

0:36 So today, let's go on a little journey that might transform your life, too.

0:43 Let’s explore: what is self-doubt?

0:46 How does it show up in your life?

0:48 And how can you make it your friend?

0:52 Self-doubt is a mental conversation in which your mind questions

0:57 your ability to find a desirable solution to a perceived problem.

1:02 Such as: What if I’m not strong enough

1:05 to handle the pressure of running my business?

1:08 What if I don’t know enough to pass this important test?

1:13 What if I never find my true purpose in life?

1:18 Do questions like these keep you up at night?

1:22 Self-doubt can silence your intuition and steer you away

1:26 from even finding out what you really, really want.

1:29 You end up following the should voice,

1:32 which is a confusing combination of the advice you receive from the “experts”.

1:38 And while there may be a lot of wisdom,

1:40 there are also a lot of outdated views that no

1:43 longer support you in your evolution as a human being.

1:48 My first major encounter with self-doubt began as I

1:52 graduated high school and asked myself the question,

1:54 what should I do with my life?

1:58 I felt stuck and full of self-doubt because so

2:00 many of my classmates seem to have it figured out.

2:04 I had no clue.

2:06 I got my inspiration like most

2:08 high schoolers get their inspiration: from Hollywood.

2:12 I watched the movie “Catch Me If You Can”.

2:15 Do you know the movie?

2:17 This guy had zero self-doubts.

2:21 I watched Frank Abagnale go from living an average life to traveling

2:26 the world while making so much money and receiving so much respect.

2:30 That’s what I wanted.

2:32 No, no, no.

2:33 I didn’t want to be a con man.

2:34 I wanted to be a pilot.

2:37 I could see myself wearing that uniform,

2:41 the sunglasses, surrounded by beautiful women,

2:45 and finally feel like I had my life figured out.

2:50 Only, there was one tiny, major problem: passing the pilot tests.

2:56 See, if you failed the test,

2:58 you never got another chance as long as you're alive.

3:02 And 95% of the thousands of applicants fail.

3:08 Can you imagine the self-doubt?

3:11 Who am I to even try this?

3:13 No one in my family had ever done such a thing.

3:16 What if I fail?

3:20 I learned something profound.

3:22 In the pursuit of bigger dreams and goals there is a dark side.

3:27 We tend to build an identity around being

3:30 the successful person who always comes up with great solutions.

3:36 But how do you feel when you don't?

3:39 How do you feel when things are not moving forward the way you imagined?

3:45 How do you deal with the part of you that feels anxious,

3:49 inadequate and insecure?

3:53 Most of us push it aside.

3:55 We focus on being busy.

3:58 We rationalize our feelings as unimportant.

4:02 We don’t like to talk about how much we

4:05 doubt ourselves because we think it makes us look weak.

4:08 So, when you remove all of the glory

4:12 that comes with pursuing bigger dreams and goals,

4:16 you uncover a daily reality for so many of us.

4:21 We feel lonely.

4:24 Lonely because we think that people wouldn’t really understand us,

4:28 if they truly knew how we felt.

4:31 So we end up alone with our self-doubt,

4:33 trying to figure this all out for ourselves.

4:36 Lonely, because if you remove the constant doing from our life,

4:42 well, who are we really being?

4:46 Loneliness is one of self-doubt’s greatest allies.

4:51 I felt lonely and I shared my feelings with my father.

4:55 He made a few calls and several weeks later,

4:59 I was invited to ride on the carpet with an airline captain.

5:03 I was embarrassed.

5:05 I thought, talking with him about my self-doubt it will make me

5:09 look like I don’t have what it takes to become a pilot.

5:13 Yet somehow I found the courage to reveal my fears and doubts.

5:18 And what he told me transformed my life.

5:21 He said, “Mario, everyone faces self-doubt.”

5:26 Only those who are courageous enough

5:28 to admit it will find the support that allows them to move forward.

5:35 That conversation gave me the confidence and courage I needed.

5:40 A year and a half later, I began my pilot training.

5:45 Yeah.

5:46 (Laughter) The first thing that I learned is

5:51 that in order to overcome self-doubt for me,

5:54 I had to share my self-doubt with someone I trusted.

5:58 And it was like riding a wave of joy and happiness.

6:02 I was ready for takeoff.

6:06 But I wasn’t cleared for takeoff, because self-doubt had other plans.

6:11 I felt completely out of place, like an imposter,

6:13 constantly comparing myself to my peers who was so

6:17 passionate about flying while I didn’t seem to fit in.

6:22 My motivation for becoming a pilot was not a genuine passion for aviation.

6:26 I wanted the money and the status so that I

6:29 could feel I did something meaningful and would have respect.

6:35 I wanted out.

6:37 And I was too scared to admit that I

6:42 was suffering to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts.

6:46 And then I remembered the wise words of the pilot,

6:50 who told me, “Mario, everyone faces self-doubt.

6:55 Only those who are courageous enough to admit it

6:57 will find the support that allows them to move forward,

7:01 while still feeling self-doubt.” When you have the courage

7:06 to be vulnerable and reveal your doubts with people you trust,

7:09 you build a greater sense of trust within yourself.

7:13 True human connection sparks confidence within yourself.

7:16 Have the courage to reveal your doubts with someone you

7:20 trust to remove the control that doubt has over you.

7:25 Key number one to overcoming self-doubt and go for what you really,

7:29 really want is to share your self-doubt with people you trust,

7:34 so you can find the courage to continue.

7:39 I decided to open up about my depression,

7:42 and then I decided to quit this career with the people in my life.

7:46 What I feared was their judgment and rejection.

7:50 But what I received was love and acceptance as I spoke my truth.

7:55 Even though the pilot career did not work out,

8:00 I still learnt how to fly because I found my true calling.

8:04 During my lowest moments, I would watch motivational videos,

8:08 and it was like finally coming home, and I knew that one day,

8:12 I too would guide people to free their minds

8:15 from the self-doubt that is holding them back.

8:25 Here's something else I discovered.

8:28 There's a big lie in the personal development industry.

8:32 You must become fearless and remove all self-doubt from your life.

8:37 You may have heard this one and you may even believe it.

8:40 Remember we started with the idea that self-doubt is

8:42 one of the best things that ever happened to you?

8:46 I wasn’t going to keep this to myself.

8:48 So here it goes.

8:49 There’s nothing that has you doubt yourself more than declaring:

8:53 I should not doubt myself.

8:55 It doesn’t matter what your track record of success looks like.

8:59 Heck, you might have even written a book on overcoming self-doubt.

9:03 As long as you're living this human experience,

9:06 fear and doubt will be a part of your life.

9:10 And the more you resist the fact that you doubt yourself,

9:13 the more power doubt has over you.

9:16 That’s because your mind cannot distinguish between

9:19 what you want and what you don’t want.

9:21 It will always give more power to that on which you focus.

9:26 So it’s not the doubt that is holding you back.

9:30 It's your relationship with it.

9:32 When you approach self-doubt as the enemy, you make it stronger.

9:37 Yet if you view it as a friend, it can help you unlock your true potential.

9:44 So consider this, what if every time you

9:48 feel the doubt and the anxiety it brings,

9:51 instead of reaching for that snack or checking

9:54 your phone to distract yourself from that uncomfortable feeling,

9:58 you decided to give yourself love.

10:02 What if self-doubt is really calling on you to fill up your self love tank?

10:10 That means breathing deeply.

10:14 Giving yourself a hug.

10:16 Reassuring yourself that you're on the right track.

10:20 Filling your self love tank means imagining a life

10:24 where you can give yourself everything you need,

10:27 regardless of what the world looks like.

10:30 Wouldn’t that be freaking amazing?

10:34 So, key number two to overcoming self-doubt

10:38 is to develop a loving relationship with self-doubt,

10:41 so you can go for what you really, really want.

10:45 Are you beginning to see how self-doubt may be one of the best things ever?

10:52 You might not end up becoming a pilot.

10:55 You might not marry your first love.

10:57 You might not get that dream job.

11:00 You might not achieve that lofty goal.

11:04 You’ll find something much more profound.

11:07 You’ll realize the true power within.

11:10 Understand this: in striving to achieve desired goals, what you really,

11:16 really want are the positive emotions those goals promise.

11:21 True freedom comes when you no longer rely on your achievements to give

11:27 you permission to fall in love with who you are right now.

11:32 When you can love the person in the mirror,

11:35 regardless of your achievements, you become truly unstoppable.

11:40 That's because loving yourself brings peace and happiness.

11:47 So, the next time the doubt comes, don’t fight it,

11:52 embrace it as a friend who wants to remind you to fill up your self-love tank.

12:01 Often learning takes a little longer than we think it should.

12:06 After I had decided to quit my pilot career and just discovered my true calling,

12:11 I still perceived self-doubt as my enemy.

12:15 I was too scared to fail again.

12:17 It would take me another seven years to realize this dream.

12:22 I kept looking back at my pilot experience,

12:24 thinking, I should have known better from the start.

12:27 I gave up too soon, I’m a quitter.

12:31 A guaranteed formula to staying stuck with your self-doubt,

12:35 blame yourself often for what you have or haven’t done.

12:39 My friends, not knowing how to deal with your doubts delays your dreams.

12:46 That's because when you think about stepping outside of your comfort zone,

12:50 your brain will scan past events to evaluate the risks.

12:54 That may sound something like this, “Hey, bro,

12:59 remember that time when you invested all of your savings

13:02 into a cryptocurrency and it didn’t work out?

13:05 Yup.

13:06 That time dumbass.

13:08 Never gonna happen again.

13:10 From now on, you’re going to play it safe.”

13:14 Your brain really wants to protect you from getting hurt again.

13:20 But what if there was a way to tell your brain,

13:24 the pain of my past does not determine the possibility of my future.

13:29 Have courage to proceed, there is a way.

13:33 Forgive yourself for your past failures.

13:37 Now, that may feel scary because forgiveness is misunderstood.

13:42 You may feel that forgiveness makes you weak

13:44 because you admit you let down your guard.

13:49 As Mahatma Gandhi noticed, the weak can never forgive.

13:54 Forgiveness is a sign of the strong.

13:57 Forgiveness means no longer denying reality,

14:00 because your brain will tell you all kinds of false stories.

14:04 One of the biggest being, I could have done something different.

14:07 The fact that you acted the way you acted is all the proof

14:10 you need to know that you couldn’t have acted in any other way.

14:14 Your mental, physical and emotional state produced the only outcome possible.

14:19 So it’s not your fault.

14:20 And you couldn’t have done anything different.

14:24 Because you’ve had the experience,

14:26 you now possess new insights that allow you to make a new choice.

14:31 Now you’re responsible to decide what you’re going

14:34 to do with the wisdom you’ve harvested from that experience.

14:38 Will you let it be the weight

14:40 of the past you’re still dragging behind you today?

14:43 Or will you use it to be wiser, more loving and more courageous?

14:50 Choose to be wiser.

14:52 I challenge you to decide to forgive yourself for all you think you did wrong.

14:56 Let go of blaming yourself.

15:00 Give yourself permission to express a new level of confidence,

15:04 passion and commitment, which will drive you to your very best life.

15:10 So key number three to overcoming self-doubt and go for what you really,

15:15 really want is to forgive yourself for your past failures

15:18 and mistakes so you can harvest the wisdom from them.

15:24 As I learned to forgive myself, I found the courage to do what I do today,

15:29 which is truly what fills my life with so much meaning.

15:33 With the keys that I shared with you today,

15:36 I opened the door to free my mind from the thoughts that were holding me back.

15:41 And if I can do it, you can do it, too.

15:45 On the other side of self-doubt,

15:47 is the person you’ve been looking for your entire life.

15:53 Remember, loving yourself removes self-doubt’s power,

15:58 because self-doubt only exists as an illusion in your mind,

16:02 and your heart has no illusions like that.

16:06 The most important journey in your life is the one

16:10 you take from your head through self-doubt, into your heart.

16:14 And that’s why self-doubt i one of the best things ever.

16:19 (Applause)