Superstore moments my mom wishes I'd stop quoting

0:00 I don't care what they said.

0:01 You are beautiful.

0:02 You are sexy.

0:03 And any guy would kill for a night alone with you.

0:06 All right, Mom.

0:06 I got to bounce.

0:07 Say bye to Jonah.

0:08 Oh, hey.

0:09 I just need the keys to the storm shelter.

0:11 I like to call Jerry from somewhere private.

0:13 Our conversations can get a little NSFW.

0:16 Uh, no.

0:17 Hard to get in my car in this thing.

0:18 But guess who's winning our costume contest?

0:21 Oh, by the way, there will be no costume contest this year.

0:27 What?

0:26 Being newlywed sounds so fun.

0:28 You must be doing it all the time.

0:32 Uh-huh.

0:31 All that sex and no baby.

0:33 When's Jerry going to put the bun in the uterus?

0:36 Fair question.

0:38 Your hand is like velvet.

0:40 I sleep with gloves on.

0:42 I think everyone would understand if you just went home.

0:45 Trust me, when Sandra and Jerry come out in their western garb,

0:48 you're all going to look like fools.

0:50 I look at these chumps.

0:51 I see breakfast, lunch, dinner.

0:54 Is your chair a little bit low?

0:57 Is it?

0:59 [Applause] Jerry, you didn't have to come.

1:03 I told you to forget about it.

1:04 I did, but then I remembered again.

1:06 Hey, Jerry.

1:08 Sandra told me you tried to make her do stuff with men for money.

1:13 What?

1:12 Okay.

1:12 I uh I may have told Amy some family stuff that she

1:17 You're talking about me, Marilyn.

1:20 I I started sleeping with Shelly again.

1:27 What?

1:33 Watching your brother work, huh?

1:34 I heard you had a thing for him.

1:36 Then we fold this.

1:40 Wow.

1:40 Get this guy into my bedroom.

1:43 The storm shelter is just a great place to get things off your chest.

1:46 Whenever I have troubles, I come down here and I shout him out.

1:50 Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

1:51 Why did I have a baby so late in life?

1:56 You know, stuff like that.

1:57 It's mating season.

1:58 Her gander must be worried sick.

2:00 How do you know it's a she?

2:02 The undercarriage, the neck,

2:04 the feather loss on the back of her head

2:05 where her mate pinned her down during penetration.

2:08 Okay.

2:08 Oo, I didn't know we carried aged balsamic.

2:10 Nice.

2:11 Oh, yeah.

2:11 That's great.

2:12 I make a reduction and I drizzle it over vanilla ice cream.

2:15 Ah,

2:15 that sounds amazing.

2:16 Are you like a culinary student or

2:19 Oh, I've been a student of anything for a couple decades.

2:22 You could have fooled me.

2:26 Dad, this is Garrett.

2:28 Dad?

2:29 Oh, wow.

2:29 Okay.

2:29 Hey, nice to meet you.

2:31 Yeah.

2:31 Garrett killed all my birds.

2:32 Oh, wow.

2:33 Then he had sex with me.

2:34 Okay.

2:34 Wow.

2:35 Busy guy.

2:36 Okay.

2:36 Let's start by hearing everybody's work experience.

2:40 You first, Justine.

2:41 Oh, okay.

2:41 Well, um, I have worked here for over 3 years,

2:44 and before that, I was a dog groomer,

2:46 so I guess you could say I am good with hottempered I'm sorry.

2:50 I'm very nervous.

2:52 Good afternoon, ma'am.

2:54 Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

2:56 You have a uniquely high voice.

2:59 I didn't know that could happen after a stroke.

3:04 Whoa, I can't go after that.

3:06 That was so good.

3:08 Diabetes stinks.

3:10 I think I voted wrong.

3:12 So, your crisis of conscious at the Bachelorette totally fake.

3:15 I wanted you all to let your guard down.

3:17 I knew it.

3:18 Yes.

3:18 But what are you doing now?

3:19 Are you going to kill Sandra's cat?

3:21 Dina, she's not going to kill the cat.

3:22 I'm going to kill the cat.

3:24 Yes.

3:28 Hi, it's me.

3:30 Glenn wants us to adopt a 17-year-old and his shark.

3:35 It feels kind of weird just going back to work, huh?

3:38 Yeah.

3:38 Should we just call it?

3:39 No, we can just think about Myrtle while we work.

3:42 Great.

3:42 Now, I got to do two things.

3:43 Meeting adjourned.

3:44 Actually, I have an announcement.

3:45 I haven't been able to find the right moment, but

3:47 Damn it, Sandra.

3:48 meeting ajourned.

3:49 Diane, why why don't you come with me?

3:52 Yeah, I guess.

3:53 But I call dibs on any loose shrimp.

3:55 Deal.

3:56 I'll come too.

3:57 Girls trip.

3:59 No.

3:58 Like, I get the concept of babies.

4:00 I'm not even saying you don't have babies.

4:02 Like, have babies, but do we have to see the babies?

4:04 Matteo, could you give me a hand?

4:05 It's a dating thing,

4:06 and you're the only person here in a functional relationship.

4:09 Justine, I'm going to stop you right there.

4:10 Just because you send money to a man in Ghana does not make him your boyfriend.

4:14 Relationship status.

4:15 It's complicated.

4:16 Ah, but this one has a timer.

4:17 That's useful.

4:18 Do you think that's more important than the self-cleing feature?

4:20 I don't know, but I'm engaged to Jerry

4:22 and we're getting married and I'm going to wear

4:24 a gorgeous white gown because I'm Jerry's bride and I'm

4:27 so happy and I just need to tell someone.

4:31 Oh, this one makes it right in a travel mug.

4:33 Uh, yes, please.

4:35 Oh, you don't have to be under oath for this.

4:38 That's why I said or whatever.

4:42 Tauma.

4:41 Ah, kamas.

4:45 Oh, that's right.

4:45 You two are roommates.

4:46 Mhm.

4:47 So, I forgot to mention that Matteo is donating

4:49 his liver to me because mine is completely destroyed.

4:55 Give that veno to Mino.

4:57 Justine, get out.

4:58 Okay.

4:59 I think I'm a degenerous dance is too much.

5:02 It's unprofessional.

5:04 Oh, hey.

5:05 Uh, Colleen, right?

5:07 Yeah, Colleen.

5:08 The one whose locker you were just in.

5:10 Oh, that's Oh, that's your locker.

5:12 I thought it was mine.

5:13 Oh, you going to head in there right now?

5:14 Mhm.

5:15 Yeah, of course I Yeah, your locker.

5:16 Go for it.

5:19 Oh, look.

5:19 Everything is so hectic with this acquisition,

5:22 and I need a floor supervisor, and you are the obvious choice.

5:26 This is such an honor.

5:28 Oh, god.

5:29 I don't know where your nice flip-flops are, Bo.

5:31 Just wear anything.

5:33 Excuse me.

5:33 Just one second, Cheyenne.

5:36 You know, we're not supposed to be on personal phone calls on the floor.

5:39 Just one second.

5:41 You can't just blow it off.

5:42 You have to get here.

5:43 Take a bath with the dogs later.

5:45 My husband's being such a be munch right now.

5:47 What do you think they're going to do with that information anyway?

5:50 A lot.

5:50 They can track what you do, what you like.

5:53 They can scan your internet searches for keywords and then

5:55 just send you ads for things you were talking about.

5:58 That just seems thoughtful.

6:00 Started, stopped.

6:01 So, what if we leave our phones outside the breaker?

6:04 That way, they won't know when we're in here.

6:06 A break without your phone.

6:08 Do you hear yourself?

6:09 Jesus, Justine, either help or keep quiet.

6:11 Look, for what it's worth, when I left you that day,

6:15 I was a different man than I am now.

6:18 I was young and stupid, and I had this dream of selling beltbuckle knives,

6:26 and I made that dream come true.

6:28 That was in there this whole time.

6:29 But I can't forgive myself for leaving you for it.

6:32 I watched this belt buckle go from prototype to market ready,

6:36 but I didn't see you go from pre-teen to tall lady.

6:42 There she is.

6:43 There's our girl.

6:45 Have you guys worked things out?

6:47 We have.

6:47 And we want to apologize.

6:49 We were acting like such fools.

6:52 Okay.

6:52 So, who do I listen to about the display?

6:56 Me.

6:58 Dina.

6:57 Hey, did you get the link I texted you?

7:00 Uh, the link.

7:02 Oh, yeah.

7:02 Yeah.

7:03 Yeah.

7:03 That was funny.

7:04 Oh, what was it?

7:05 It Some rando emailed it to me.

7:06 I was nervous it was a virus or something.

7:08 Um, I Trying to remember.

7:11 You know, my brain is foggy.

7:13 Amy need coffee.

7:14 Want caffeine.

7:17 I'm not sure what that was, but it is not banter ready.

7:20 You took over a wedding.

7:22 This is the amiiest thing I've ever seen.

7:24 I don't want to be doing this.

7:25 I'm just trying to make this the best day of their dumb lives.

7:27 Tell me how to help.

7:29 Now you want to help when we're almost done.

7:31 Next time figure out how to help on your own.

7:32 I'm not going to help you help.

7:33 You see, she's like a 12-year-old when I'm around.

7:36 Oh, shut up, Eric.

7:36 I'm like this all the time, idiot.

7:38 She's so mad.

7:40 This is my favorite.

7:41 I mean, Eric, stop.

7:43 Come on.

7:43 She's my boss.

7:45 It was on fire.

7:46 God, it's so good to be out there hustling.

7:48 Oh, and we sell a sunscreen with glitter in it.

7:51 Corona cash is in at music festivals.

7:53 Two words, gay pride.

7:55 Well, pride will be here before you know it, so let's stock you back up.

8:00 It's a lot of boxes.

8:01 Yeah.

8:02 I had to borrow my stepdad's van to fit the rest.

8:05 the rest.

8:08 Yeah.

8:08 So, half of this is yours now and once we

8:10 sell all this, I'll break even and start making bank.

8:14 Wait, so all that cash is not profit?

8:18 Shan, it's going to be 10 years before we make money off this.

8:22 What?

8:22 10 years?

8:24 What am I supposed to do with money in my 30s?

8:27 Check it out.

8:28 I've already got my official ordination license from 5minut.net.

8:33 Oh, cool.

8:34 got your name and everything.

8:35 Now, first I need to get to know you better as a couple.

8:39 So, how would you describe your relationship?

8:44 It's really nice,

8:47 right?

8:47 Yeah, it's nice.

8:48 Nice.

8:48 Nice.

8:49 But I guess this is your thing now and it's

8:51 not really up to me to make better choices.

8:55 Kelly.

8:55 Hey, lady.

8:59 Hello.

8:58 Oh, no.

9:00 You two are wearing a couple's costume.

9:02 Oh, I guess it does.

9:04 Uh, Hi, I'm Matteo Lewanag, American influencer, philanthropist,

9:11 and I'm truly honored to be serving the community by running

9:14 a toy drive for a charity that's near and dear to my heart.

9:20 River City Happy Tots.

9:22 Tots?

9:23 I mean, are we even allowed to call them that?

9:25 I don't think the kids care.

9:27 Oh, kids.

9:29 I thought you meant tots like little people.

9:31 You can just edit that out, right?

9:32 Oh, yeah.

9:33 I didn't even press record this time.

9:35 Terry, what do you like about Sandra?

9:39 She's great.

9:42 A She's not coming back, huh?

9:43 Nope.

9:43 Guess this is dinner.

9:48 Don't eat too much.

9:50 Save that for a minute.

9:51 Um, do you mind if I play a little harmon practice?

9:58 Yeah.

10:00 [Applause] You're very talented.

10:10 Thank you.

10:14 [Music] We're getting out of the pot.