Nathan Lane Helps Ellen in Her Hospital Bed

0:00 I, [applause] I, I just came to clean the bedpan and then I got to go.

0:06 [laughter]

0:06 Remember two things,

0:06 Vicodin is your friend and champagne and Vicodin are your BEST FRIEND.

0:13 THAT'S THAT'S TOMORROW.

0:14 I'll build up to that.

0:15 Aw, not since Katie Couric's colonoscopy has anyone

0:19 shared their medical pain the way you are.

0:21 SHE'S TO BE CONGRATULATED.

0:25 [cheering]

0:25 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, [applause] SEND YOUR DOLLARS NOW.

0:30 We want Ellen TO WALK AGAIN.

0:34 CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN, 1-800 God THAT HURTS, 1-800 GOD THAT HURTS.

0:41 [laughter] Here you are.

0:41 You know they're there.

0:42 Okay.

0:44 It's the thought that counts.

0:46 And put them in a Am I getting in this bed?

0:48 Let me get in that bed.

0:49 That'll surprise America.

0:53 [laughter]

0:52 All right.

0:53 [applause and cheering] Oh, oh, and it's such a good angle for my chin.

1:00 [laughter] It's like the Kathy Bates shot in Misery.

1:03 Yeah.

1:05 Well, this is lovely.

1:07 [laughter] I'm so pleased to be here.

1:11 Oh, I'm so I'm sorry that you're not feeling well,

1:14 but this is this is what comes of erotic dancing.

1:17 Yeah.

1:18 You cannot shimmy a stride a coffee table, you know, every day and and you know

1:23 And not pay the consequence.

1:24 I'm I'm sure that was the start of it.

1:27 Well, well, anyway, thank you for having me.

1:29 It's great to be back in LA.

1:30 Yeah, thank you.

1:31 And now, what do you mean you're you're back?

1:33 So, you're you're you like it that much that you're going to live here now?

1:36 it here.

1:36 I love it.

1:37 I, you know, I don't tan well, I don't drive, I'm not a vegan.

1:42 I don't know from Kabbalah, but I love LA.

1:44 And if if I'd only had a television series that worked,

1:47 I would I would buy a condo at the Grove and live there.

1:51 You would visit me, wouldn't you?

1:53 We could buy sweaters and eat at the farm and Look, it's time for Disturbia.

1:57 It's That would be my [laughter] life.

1:59 To live at the Grove.

2:00 You know, when you see Jay Leno walking through

2:02 and asking people who the president is and they don't know,

2:04 it's because they're at the Grove.

2:08 [laughter] Nobody cares because it's like a utopia.

2:09 It's like a It's a It's an oasis in a very divided country.

2:13 I love the Grove.

2:16 [laughter] Have you been to the Grove?

2:21 You're going to go now, aren't you?

2:24 Yes.

2:24 Well, Living at the Grove.

2:26 Well, yes.

2:27 I love the Grove.

2:28 It's perfect.

2:29 It it it has everything you need.

2:30 Everything you need.

2:31 The Apple Store, [laughter] Give me some of your pills.

2:40 Give me a couple of pills.

2:41 And we'll take this show to new heights.

2:45 This Give me what you got, baby.

2:47 I would I wish I could.

2:48 I need every single one of them.

2:50 And I'm glad it does not hurt to laugh right now,

2:52 thank God, because that would be horrible.

2:54 This is, you know, I'm at that point where I can still laugh.

2:57 Well, I'm not that funny, but Have you uh I'm hoping to get there.

2:59 are that funny.

3:01 Have you had back problems before?

3:02 Have you ever had I have.

3:03 I I I I've had disc many disc problems.

3:06 And now we're like two Florida retirees.

3:10 I had a goiter removed from my neck the size of a grapefruit.

3:16 I keep it in a jar on top of the television AND OCCASIONALLY IT TALKS TO ME.

3:29 BUT YES, I DID.

3:31 I HAD A I HAD A I HAD A torn meniscus in the left knee.

3:35 Sounds like the sequel TO 300.

3:37 TORN MENISCUS.

3:39 And I had to have surgery,

3:40 but I couldn't have it done in in London cuz they're butchers.

3:44 And so They don't have real doctors.

3:47 They I had to wait till New York.

3:48 So, so I I I it might to compensate for this knee,

3:53 my back went out and I had and I had and one night I was singing Prisoners

3:56 of Love and I heard a huge crack and I froze and then sort of finished the show.

4:02 I didn't move.

4:02 I just stood there and said the lines and sang

4:05 and then they carried me away and Oh, God.

4:07 Yeah, no, it's the There's nothing worse than back pain.

4:10 But somehow nobody believes you.

4:11 There's something about back pain they think, yeah, yeah, you could go to work.

4:15 Yeah.

4:15 Obviously it worked on you.

4:17 Yeah, I can go to work.

4:19 But they don't believe it's a real thing.

4:20 There is nothing more excruciating than that pain.

4:23 realize that everything is connected to it.

4:25 Like literally if I move a toe, anything I move, I go into spasm.

4:29 Like it's just a It It feels so old.

4:32 It's It's horrible.

4:33 It's depressing.

4:33 And me, I I I don't know how to sit still.

4:36 So, I'm going nuts.

4:37 I mean, I really Yeah, I'm I'm not good with sitting

4:40 not kidding, Nathan.

4:40 I am going nuts.

4:46 [laughter]

4:45 In a kind of low-key way.

4:48 In that two-pill-a-day way.

4:50 Yeah.

4:52 I know.

4:52 And this is all because of the dog.

4:54 Well, no, that was the final thing.

4:55 One uh I jumped uh down from uh I jumped about 3 ft

5:01 and landed and I don't know why I thought I could jump 3 ft.

5:04 But just down from?

5:06 From one level of a parking lot to another.

5:07 Instead of kind of climbing down, I Showing off?

5:10 Yeah.

5:12 [laughter] Look at me, I can jump 3 ft.

5:13 I just thought that was easy.

5:14 Why wouldn't I be able to jump 3 ft?

5:17 Right.

5:16 So, I jumped and I think but I had been having back problems for a month.

5:19 So, it was like a combination of lots of things and finally the dog.

5:22 Yeah.

5:23 But but you're accident-prone.

5:24 You have lots of We have to take a break.

5:26 We'll talk about all you And oh, you know what I want to What?

5:28 Are you fixing your face?

5:29 Try to look thinner.

5:30 Well, yeah.

5:32 I'm sitting up.

5:33 Now it's better.

5:35 [laughter] I I can't move, but I look better.

5:37 Oh, okay.

5:39 Oh, it's so sad, isn't it?

5:42 I knew I'd wind up in a hospital bed on on television eventually.

5:47 This is like a bad episode of General Hospital, huh?

5:50 [laughter]

5:53 All right.

5:54 We have to take a break and we're going to adjust is moving.

5:57 I feel I didn't even put a quarter in and the bed is moving.

6:03 [applause] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

6:05 We're back with the hilarious Nathan Lane and the the last thing I saw you

6:08 were on the show and you were talking about uh you have a French bulldog.

6:12 Mabel, yes.

6:13 Mabel and allergic to everything.

6:14 26 different things, is that right?

6:16 Yes.

6:17 Yes, she's uh has 26 separate allergies and uh

6:20 but at least with when the all the dog food was recalled,

6:23 I wasn't worried cuz she'd been eating dried kangaroo for the last 6 months.

6:29 got down to?

6:30 Dried kangaroo.

6:31 Yeah, not kangaroo parmesan, kangaroo with bacon bits.

6:34 Dried kangaroo.

6:36 Now, you are just You know, that could drive a dog crazy.

6:39 FRENCH BULLDOG, MY BABY.

6:41 UM SORRY.

6:43 YEAH, she just turned a year old.

6:45 We had a little birthday party.

6:46 We took her to this um shopping mall for dogs, the Bow Wowzeria.

6:50 Uh-huh.

6:50 And um They have a little They have a little doggy day spa.

6:53 She get her nails done and get spayed, neutered or just highlights.

6:58 Uh-huh.

6:59 [laughter]

6:59 And then we go to little five-star restaurant they have, La Yu Can Nu Ba.

7:02 Uh-huh.

7:02 It's beautiful.

7:03 La Yu Can Nu Ba?

7:04 it La Yu Can Nu Ba.

7:05 Yes, they made her a little liver birthday [laughter]

7:09 Made of liver with Ritalin frosting for the highly

7:12 strong for the highly strong canine cuz you know,

7:15 she hasn't stopped the licking.

7:17 The lick that incessant licking.

7:19 Licking of herself or you?

7:20 No, everything.

7:21 Everything.

7:21 Me, you know, anyone.

7:23 She will lick just lick.

7:24 It's like her means of communication.

7:25 It's It's like, you know, I lick you, you feed and take care of me.

7:28 Basis of most Hollywood marriages.

7:32 [laughter] Recently, it's taken an on an existential

7:34 quality because mid-lick she'll kind of stop

7:40 [laughter] and then stare off into space like the late Peggy Lee think,

7:44 is that all there is?

7:46 Is this what my life is about?

7:48 And then she kind of turns back and says, all right, and she finishes the lick.

7:52 They They have hilarious faces, don't they?

7:55 Hilarious.

7:55 They're really They're so entertaining, those dogs.

7:58 Oh, they're the best.

7:58 And they're and they're they're they're they you know,

8:00 they're they're great companions and they're great great just have the one.

8:04 You're not going to get another.

8:05 No, I I couldn't do that.

8:07 Oh.

8:07 No, I I I know it's a nice idea,

8:09 but I don't think I could, you know, handle two with a one.

8:12 One is is fine.

8:13 We just recently now are allowing her to, you know,

8:15 out of the crate, you know, when you leave her alone.

8:17 Oh, really?

8:18 Yeah, that's the way I was trained.

8:21 Yeah.

8:20 And they and she's been very good.

8:22 No, there's been no eating of the furniture or pooping out of anger Oh.

8:26 the way you do.

8:27 Yeah.

8:31 [laughter]

8:33 But she has made a lot of long distance phone calls.

8:35 Oh.

8:36 And for some reason she keeps renting Marie Antoinette on pay-per-view.

8:40 I don't [laughter] know why.

8:42 That got you.

8:43 Yeah.

8:43 One for them, one for me.

8:44 That's what it's about.

8:46 So, I want to congratulate you on you're getting actually an amazing award.

8:50 I know this the Trevor Project.

8:51 I've been Yes, I've been involved,

8:53 but if you want to tell people you're getting the Trevor Hero Award.

8:56 Yes.

8:57 Which is uh Um it's uh for for someone who is

9:02 I suppose I um inspiration to young gay gay and questioning teens.

9:08 It's a suicide prevention hotline 24 hours a day

9:11 for for gay and questioning teens and they do tremendous work and

9:15 Yeah, the amount of the suicide rate

9:17 uh among uh gay teens is astronomically high.

9:20 So, this is

9:21 And yes, yeah, it's a wonderful organization.

9:23 I'm very proud to to be congratulated.

9:27 Thank you.

9:28 [applause] Now, did you

9:37 [applause]

9:37 How old were you when you told your parents?

9:39 Did you have a hard time coming out?

9:40 Um I was very young and and I I kind of I was

9:45 I was uh living in New Jersey with my mother and but I

9:48 was seeing someone in New York and and she and I I

9:52 she thought it was a woman and I finally broke it to her.

9:55 I was around 21 and I sat her down,

9:57 and she was this little Irish Catholic lady from Jersey City.

10:00 And And so, I said, "I know you you think I've been seeing a girl,

10:05 but I I've been seeing a guy." And um And she

10:09 said um And the blood sort of drained from her face,

10:12 and she said, "You mean you're a homosexual?" And I said uh I I I I guess so.

10:18 Yeah, I guess so.

10:19 And she said, "Oh, I would rather you were dead." And um Now,

10:26 I always laugh because I knew I knew her better than they did.

10:30 And Because it was like like the worst It was the only the worst,

10:34 you know, uh you know, I said, "I knew you'd understand." And then once I

10:37 got her head out of the oven, she was fine.

10:40 [laughter] And she never I mean,

10:41 it was never actually was always very accepting of relationships I had,

10:44 and it was never a an issue except for that one one time.

10:48 That one time saying Yes, I would rather you were dead.

10:50 Yeah.

10:50 Yeah.

10:51 But she did come around.

10:51 That's that's great cuz that is a hard thing

10:53 for a lot of parents to accept, so it's

10:55 I know, and that's a hard thing for people to do.

10:57 Yeah.

10:57 Still.

10:58 I mean, and not just kids, but Yeah.

11:00 Grown people.

11:01 It's very very hard.

11:02 So, and it's you need someone who's understanding, especially if you're a kid.

11:05 So, well, good for you and good for the Trevor

11:07 Project cuz they do a lot of good.

11:08 They do.

11:09 And um you are so hilarious and so brilliantly talented,

11:13 and I love when you come by.

11:14 Thank you.

11:14 God bless you.

11:14 Thank you.

11:15 And I hope you get well very soon.

11:17 hope so, too.

11:18 Uh all right.

11:19 Uh Nathan Lane, everybody.

11:20 And 9-year-old Alpha Pro Swimmer [applause]

11:22 Emma Schlenker will join us after this.

11:24 Don't go away.