How to Eliminate Self-Doubt Forever & Build Unshakeable Confidence

0:00 Today, you and I are going to learn all about this four-part [music] framework

0:04 that helps you build unshakable self-confidence.

0:07 There are four attributes.

0:09 We have acceptance, [music] we have agency,

0:11 we have autonomy, we have adaptability.

0:13 Self-acceptance is fundamentally accepting [music]

0:15 that you are a work in progress.

0:17 You don't need other people to validate your worth.

0:20 You are worthy just by existing.

0:22 Agency is that attribute [music] that allows you

0:24 to trust that you can do the thing.

0:27 And if you don't know how to do it, you will learn how to do it.

0:29 Autonomy is the belief that you have a degree [music] of control over your life.

0:33 Adaptability is actually so much more than what we think [music] it is.

0:39 Dr.

0:39 Shade is a behavioral researcher and best-selling

0:42 author with [music] a PhD in organizational behavior.

0:45 Some studies have found up to 82% of people

0:47 have felt like an impostor at some point.

0:49 And the beautiful thing about feeling like an impostor

0:51 [music] is it is a sign that you are growing.

0:54 You don't realize how you're keeping yourself stuck when you

0:57 complain [music] about the things you have no control over.

1:00 Show up for the life that you want now.

1:03 Don't wait for it.

1:04 Don't wait for permission.

1:05 Don't wait till you feel ready.

1:06 Don't wait till you feel worthy.

1:08 If you show up for the person that you want to be now,

1:11 your life will fundamentally change because everything will feel lighter.

1:16 Dr.

1:18 Shade Zahrai, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

1:21 Thank you so much for having me.

1:23 I am so excited you're here.

1:24 Thank you for traveling halfway around the world to be here today.

1:29 And here's where I want to start.

1:30 Your research around self-doubt, building confidence, feeling worthy.

1:36 It is so important.

1:37 We're going to dig into it.

1:38 And here's where I'd like to start.

1:41 Could you speak directly to the person who's with us right now?

1:45 And tell them what might change about their life if I take everything to heart

1:51 that you're about to teach us today and I apply it to how I feel about myself?

1:55 If you actually apply what we're going to be exploring today,

1:58 your life will fundamentally change because everything will feel lighter.

2:03 People don't realize how insidious self-doubt is.

2:07 And when you're living every day and you've got the insecurity

2:10 and those negative thoughts and the self-criticism

2:12 and the feelings of I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, it is a weight.

2:16 It makes everything more difficult.

2:18 It leads to so much hesitation and second-guessing and missed opportunities.

2:22 If you can learn to recognize and you see the beauty

2:24 of this work is that you don't actually have to eliminate the doubt.

2:28 You just have to strengthen parts of yourself that allow you to move through it.

2:32 And then success becomes easier.

2:35 Fulfillment in your relationships becomes easier.

2:37 Happiness becomes easier.

2:39 And this is based on decades worth of research.

2:41 So it's so incredibly important and that's why

2:43 I'm so excited to have this conversation with you.

2:46 Well, I'm excited for you to teach us some

2:48 of the frameworks in your bestselling book, Big Trust.

2:51 And you know, in your work, you work with CEOs of Fortune 500,

2:56 150 CEOs in terms of who you are coaching, who you are advising.

3:03 But the journey to doing all this research began with you having

3:08 a crisis in your own confidence and feeling like you weren't enough.

3:12 So let's just start there.

3:14 How did you begin this?

3:16 So my journey with self-doubt is really the driver of why I do what

3:20 I do because I have felt the pain over the entire course of my life.

3:24 I mean, I'm still shedding the doubts that I developed early on.

3:27 And I think if I really reflect on where it started,

3:30 it started really early for me.

3:32 Okay.

3:32 So I would have been about three, four, or five years old.

3:35 And I am part of this beautifully supportive family.

3:38 And every Friday night we would have dinner at my grandparents' place.

3:42 And then after dinner,

3:43 there was this family tradition where the little kids would dance for everybody.

3:47 So I would hear Shadi Bayad Bedakse, which is Shadi is going to dance for us.

3:51 And you know, as a young kid,

3:53 I loved the attention and they'd put on the music and it made everyone so happy.

3:57 What then happened though is over the years as this became

4:00 just this regular thing that we did every Friday,

4:03 I started to feel less comfortable doing

4:05 that, being the center of attention as I

4:07 became a little bit more self-conscious about who I was in my body and you know,

4:11 I was maybe eight, nine, maybe 10.

4:13 But I saw how happy everyone was when

4:16 I was in this position of performing for them.

4:18 And I didn't want to let them down.

4:20 So I didn't know how to say no.

4:22 And it was around that age that I

4:23 internalized this belief that I am only of value,

4:26 I am only worthy when I'm making other people happy even if I'm not happy.

4:32 Mhm.

4:32 So for me, that was that early life

4:34 experience that instilled this sense of lack of enough.

4:38 And then that just kept becoming

4:39 a self-fulfilling prophecy when I was at university,

4:42 when I started working in the legal industry,

4:45 when I moved into banking and finance,

4:46 it followed me into every meeting, every conversation, every interaction.

4:50 I never felt like I was good enough to be there.

4:53 But I've also discovered over the last five

4:55 or so years as I've really deep dived into this, as I was doing PhD research

4:59 into this, almost every single person experiences self-doubt.

5:04 It is not uncommon at all.

5:06 And yet those who are able to truly succeed,

5:09 it's not that they eliminate the doubt,

5:11 it's that they found a way to strengthen who they are to move through it.

5:14 It brings me to a question, Dr.

5:16 Shade.

5:17 What drives self-doubt?

5:19 Okay, so I have been fascinated by this question for over a decade.

5:22 Even before I did my PhD research,

5:24 I was seeing self-doubt in action in the workplace at every single level.

5:29 Because I genuinely believed once you become a leader,

5:31 once you achieve a certain thing, you don't have self-doubt.

5:34 But I actually found that sometimes those at the more senior levels,

5:38 sometimes those who have achieved a lot,

5:40 they have even more self-doubt because they feel

5:42 like there's even more opportunity for them to fall,

5:45 more reputational damage if something doesn't go well.

5:48 So, I thought, what is actually driving this?

5:50 And that's when I started looking into the research.

5:52 What do the most esteemed minds have to say about this?

5:55 And I want to share with you one particular study which

5:58 I have never forgotten from the moment that I came across it.

6:01 It's from the late '70s, early '80s.

6:04 So, a psychology professor by the name of Robert Kleck at Dartmouth,

6:08 he conducted this fascinating experiment which really reveals

6:11 how self-doubt works and where it comes from.

6:14 He brought people together and with one group he drew a scar on their face,

6:18 on the right side of their face between their ear and their mouth.

6:21 This really noticeable, visible disfigurement.

6:24 Yeah.

6:24 He let them see themselves in a mirror.

6:26 Okay.

6:26 So, they can go, "Okay, I have this scar on my face." And then

6:28 he sent everyone out into conversations with strangers.

6:32 Now, after the conversations, he then asked everybody,

6:34 "How did you feel the conversation went?" The group

6:37 without the scar felt like it was a fine conversation.

6:40 Yeah.

6:40 The group with the scar reported feeling judged.

6:44 They felt like it was tense.

6:45 Their conversation partner was cold.

6:47 And they felt like they were treated differently because of that scar.

6:50 Now, that in itself would have been

6:52 a really interesting experiment on prejudice and discrimination.

6:56 Or perception of.

6:58 Or perception of.

6:58 Exactly.

6:59 And that's where we get to the interesting piece.

7:01 Because if I pause right now and I take you

7:03 back right before these people were sent into these conversations.

7:07 So, they've just seen themselves in the mirror.

7:08 Right.

7:10 Right before they're sent into it, the researcher said, "Okay,

7:12 I'm going to apply some moisturizing cream to the scar

7:14 to set it so it doesn't crack." Okay.

7:17 What was done though was the scar was removed entirely.

7:20 Whoa.

7:21 There was no scar.

7:22 These people went into these conversations believing they had a scar.

7:26 And they didn't.

7:27 They didn't.

7:27 And that led them to have an expectation about how people would treat them.

7:32 Which then led them to pay attention to things that objectively did not exist.

7:37 It changed how they showed up.

7:39 They created the reality they expected.

7:41 And this is called expectation bias.

7:44 We don't see the world as it is.

7:45 We see the world as we expect it to be.

7:48 Wow.

7:49 Now, when we think about what that means for us,

7:52 when you're thinking about this from your own perspective,

7:54 anyone who is watching or listening,

7:57 what kind of scars are you carrying into every single conversation,

8:02 every interaction, every meeting, every interview,

8:05 every conversation with your loved one?

8:08 How is that affecting how you not only show up,

8:10 but what you're interpreting and noticing that may not even be there?

8:14 Because until we're aware of these scars,

8:17 we don't realize just how much they're creating the world that we're living in.

8:20 Dr.

8:21 Shade, how do you rewire these moments of self-doubt?

8:27 So, I have an analogy that I love to share to help

8:29 us understand what we're actually rewiring when we're talking about self-doubt.

8:33 So, what I have here is two glasses filled with yellow water.

8:37 Okay.

8:37 Now, I want to narrate this because the majority of you listen,

8:41 and I don't want you to miss a thing.

8:43 So, Dr.

8:43 Shade is sitting here at the table for the podcast.

8:47 She has two two the brim bright neon yellow

8:51 glasses full of yellow water sitting on a tray.

8:55 And in one hand, you have a ping pong ball?

8:57 I have a ping pong ball.

8:58 And on the other hand, she has a bright yellow golf ball.

9:02 Okay.

9:02 Now, if I were to take the ping pong ball,

9:05 And what does the ping pong ball represent?

9:06 The ping pong ball represents self-doubt.

9:08 In fact, both balls represent self-doubt.

9:11 do?

9:11 And what's going to happen in the cups is

9:12 it's going to help us understand different approaches to self-doubt.

9:16 Okay.

9:16 All right, great.

9:17 So, so self-doubt might be Let's just take one we can all relate to.

9:21 We've all had those mornings where you look in the mirror

9:24 and you just go uh And because you've shared the scar example,

9:29 let's just go with this perception that how we look

9:34 has something to do with our value to the world.

9:39 And so the form of self-doubt that the ping

9:41 pong ball or the golf ball might represent is just

9:44 this belief that because you look ugly today

9:46 or your acne's on fire or maybe what's happening for me,

9:50 I constantly notice the jowls that seem to be forming and I don't like them.

9:56 And I feel a little bit of judgement and weight and I doubt myself.

9:59 Am I looking older?

10:01 Are people going to judge me for that?

10:03 And so is that what these represent?

10:05 Yes.

10:05 Okay, so we got a ping pong ball and a golf ball.

10:07 So if I were to take the ping pong ball

10:09 and place it on one of the glasses of water, what would happen to it?

10:14 I I think it would float cuz a ping pong ball is like, you know, kind of

10:18 Yeah, light.

10:19 airy airy So if we try that, what's going she it's just floating there.

10:22 So this is this thing that maybe you feel a little

10:25 doubt about and it's just kind of floating on top.

10:29 What happened to the water?

10:30 The water stayed the same.

10:32 What does the water represent?

10:33 The water represents how we see ourselves, our self-image.

10:37 Oh.

10:38 And so when we're talking about how doubt should be,

10:41 cuz the goal again is not to eliminate the self-critical thoughts.

10:44 That's too high a standard we're setting for ourselves.

10:46 we can't, can we?

10:47 do that.

10:47 That's the function of the brain doing what it does.

10:50 The goal is actually to allow the doubts to exist

10:53 but essentially to float on top of who we are.

10:55 And what Dr.

10:55 Shade is doing right now, she's basically you know,

10:59 kind of gently pushing the ping pong ball across

11:02 the top of the glass and it's floating there

11:04 like you might see a little sail toy sailboat

11:06 floating at a at a, you know, public park.

11:10 Just lightly drifting around.

11:11 And so is an example of that, you look at yourself,

11:14 you're like, not my best day, but no big deal.

11:16 Oh well.

11:17 Okay.

11:18 Exactly.

11:18 I'll just, you know, if I don't like the acne,

11:19 I'll I'll just put some foundation on.

11:21 No big deal.

11:21 Yeah.

11:22 Focus on what you can control.

11:23 Focus on what I can control.

11:25 Now what most of us experience though That's not what I experience.

11:28 No, and that's not what most people experience.

11:30 It's a lot more insidious than that.

11:32 And this is

11:32 you're holding a golf ball.

11:33 Now I'm holding the golf ball.

11:34 Now a golf ball is, in comparison to the ping pong ball, it's what?

11:37 Dense, it's heavy, it's got weight to it.

11:41 Yes.

11:40 And if I were to drop this into this other cup of water, what would happen?

11:44 It's going to sink.

11:46 Oh, not only is it sink,

11:47 like it's water just splashed everywhere and it sunk to the bottom.

11:53 This is what happens when we internalize self-doubt.

11:57 We allow it to mean something about who we are.

11:59 So rather than just floating on the surface, we acknowledge it's there,

12:02 we make it mean something about who we are.

12:05 So instead of the, oh, I feel a little ugly today.

12:08 Yes.

12:09 You would say, oh, I feel ugly today.

12:11 I am so ugly.

12:13 I am so unworthy of other people's time and energy.

12:17 I'm not valuable.

12:18 Everybody's staring at me.

12:19 I don't want to speak at work.

12:21 Everybody's looking at this thing that I don't like about myself.

12:24 And what's so stunning about the visual,

12:26 and I want to really describe this for you as you're listening,

12:29 is on the right, you have this like dopey little ping pong ball floating around.

12:34 Do do do do do do do do do do do.

12:36 It's there.

12:38 You haven't said you can't have the thought,

12:41 but it's not sinking into your soul and dragging you down like

12:48 an emotional weighted vest that then impacts every aspect of your day.

12:53 The other thing that I want to point out is that on the left, you know,

12:56 the heaviness of the self-judgment, I got some acne,

13:00 I'm short, my hair sucks today, whatever it may be.

13:03 I got fired from that job, therefore I am not worthy of a job.

13:08 You can see how it's just sitting there at the bottom of the glass.

13:13 And then, even more sad, Dr.

13:16 Shade, is the spilled yellow water all over the place because

13:20 what you get the sense of is as self-doubt weighs you down,

13:24 you lose a bit of yourself to make room

13:29 for carrying that doubt with you day in and day out.

13:34 And then what's even more worrying is even if you go

13:37 through the process of working on yourself Okay, now hold on.

13:40 She's taking her phone and she is now digging in and spilling more

13:44 water out and she is getting the golf ball out of there, right?

13:49 She's getting it out of there, okay?

13:50 So maybe our skin has cleared up.

13:53 Maybe we have a better hairstyle.

13:55 Maybe we have moved on from the job

13:57 or the breakup and now we are out there interviewing again.

14:00 So we took care of the thing or so we thought.

14:05 but has that water miraculously refilled itself to the brim?

14:08 No.

14:09 No, there's a piece missing.

14:11 And so what self-doubt does is it strips you of who you truly are Mhm.

14:15 because you're internalizing it.

14:16 You lose a part of yourself.

14:18 And even if you do the work, you enter what's called the void.

14:21 So now, okay, the golf ball is out and maybe

14:24 you are seeing that ping pong ball floating above.

14:26 Yep.

14:27 You're detaching from it.

14:28 But then you enter that weird middle stage where you actually

14:31 don't know who you are without the doubt because for so

14:34 long it has driven your behaviors and your think thinking

14:38 and your actions and the way that you show up in the world.

14:41 You've been acting to prove yourself to others or to seek

14:44 their validation and suddenly you don't know what your true instincts are Mhm.

14:48 and who you are in the world.

14:50 And so there's that really interesting little space

14:52 where you need to discover who that is again.

14:55 But it starts with changing how we see ourselves.

14:58 So when we talk about rewire self-doubt it's

15:01 actually not necessarily about the doubt at all.

15:03 It's about strengthening how we see ourselves by strengthening these four

15:07 attributes so that the doubt is no longer a golf ball,

15:11 no longer becomes internalized,

15:14 no longer infiltrates how we see ourselves and instead it's there.

15:18 Hey, okay, I can see you.

15:20 I know that you're that voice up there, but I don't have to listen to you.

15:23 I don't have to believe everything I think.

15:25 And that's so incredibly powerful when people both acknowledge

15:27 it and then take the steps to actually get there.

15:31 And I take it that what you're about to teach us

15:34 not only helps us become more buoyant with the day-to-day self-doubts,

15:40 but it also is going to help us fill that void

15:44 with new capacities with ourselves that self-doubt stole from us.

15:49 That's exactly what we're going to be doing.

15:51 Let's get this water out of here.

15:53 Dr.

15:53 ShaDay, you have this incredible framework based on research

15:56 that helps us break apart self-doubt and build self-trust and self-confidence.

16:01 Can you explain what this framework is?

16:03 There are four attributes.

16:05 We have acceptance, we have agency, we have autonomy, we have adaptability.

16:09 Why is having this four-part framework helpful to breaking apart

16:14 these moments of self-doubt and helping us build more confidence and self-trust?

16:19 Why do we need a framework?

16:20 It's because we misunderstand self-doubt as being one blob of worry,

16:24 insecurity, fear, and anxiety.

16:26 And that means then if it we think it's one thing,

16:28 we think there's one solution,

16:29 and that's why so many people are disappointed when they tried the self-help

16:32 route and they've tried this book or that approach and it's not working,

16:35 and it's because self-doubt doesn't operate that way.

16:37 There are actually four distinct elements,

16:40 and once you figure out which one is lacking in you, which one is weak,

16:44 then you know exactly what you need to focus

16:46 on, and then you can access the tools and the frameworks

16:48 to help you move through and strengthen that so

16:51 that everything in life just becomes so much more freeing.

16:54 Let's start with acceptance.

16:56 And so self-acceptance is fundamentally accepting

16:58 that you are a work in progress.

17:00 You don't need other people to validate your worth.

17:03 You are worthy just by existing.

17:05 Now, that doesn't mean that you accept that you will never change.

17:08 It's actually acknowledging that I can change, I can grow,

17:11 and be that work in progress knowing that self-improvement is possible.

17:15 So, it's a beautifully liberating state.

17:16 When you don't accept yourself, that is when you self-reject.

17:20 Mhm.

17:20 You self-reject before anyone else can.

17:22 But, how do you accept yourself if you don't like yourself?

17:25 You know what I mean?

17:26 Like, you look in like and I'm just going to stay

17:28 with the physical because every one of us has the example.

17:33 And when we start to get into psychological, I don't like myself because of X,

17:37 Y, Z that has happened or these things that I did,

17:40 it can get more complicated and I want all of us to just stay right here and be

17:45 listening for ourselves and listening for the people

17:48 in your life who struggle with a lot of self-doubt.

17:52 So, if you do look in the mirror and you're like, "Yeah,

17:54 and I don't want to accept that." So,

17:57 there are two things that I'd recommend you do, okay?

18:00 The first Well, actually there's three.

18:01 The first one is that you need to acknowledge that until you accept yourself,

18:05 nothing will change.

18:06 If you are someone who is saying, "I don't believe it." Yes.

18:09 In that case, what you want to do is use other strategies and tools Okay.

18:13 that allow you to strengthen the self-acceptance

18:15 in other ways that naturally will help you recognize that you are valuable

18:21 in spite of not believing that initially.

18:23 Okay, so the very, very first tool is very simple.

18:25 We call it the careless list.

18:27 What you're going to do is grab a sheet of paper, Yeah.

18:30 divide it into two columns.

18:31 On the left, I want you to write down

18:33 all the things you want to care less about.

18:36 Mhm.

18:36 I want to care less about my physical appearance.

18:38 I want to care less about what people in the street think of me when I walk by.

18:41 I want to care less about what my family keeps

18:43 saying about my acne or my weight or how I look.

18:46 Actually, acknowledge it.

18:48 Give it a physical outlet.

18:49 A lot of people don't actually want to acknowledge

18:51 their fears because they're afraid that they'll make them real.

18:54 But, I am a proponent and a lot of evidence

18:56 suggests that if you can just make them real,

18:58 it gives you something to work with.

19:00 You're not hiding from it.

19:01 So, you write down everything you actually want

19:03 to care less about, put it in the left,

19:05 and then just reflect on how you feel when you look at that.

19:08 I love that.

19:10 It's simple.

19:10 So, that's our careless list.

19:12 We've identified all the things that we want to care less about.

19:15 The next step is, okay, what do I want to care more about?

19:18 What do I actually want to shift

19:19 my attention to because attention is such a superpower.

19:22 If we're not aware of it,

19:24 we're going to be stuck in patterns that keep us stuck.

19:27 But if we can become more aware of it,

19:28 be a bit more curious about how we're thinking, this is called metacognition.

19:32 It's the ability to think about your thoughts,

19:35 and it is a fundamental superpower cuz

19:37 the moment you start thinking about your thoughts,

19:39 you're no longer in your thoughts.

19:41 So, consciously write down, what do I want to care more about?

19:44 Well, I want to care more about being a value in my life.

19:48 I want to care more about having the kind of courage that allows me

19:51 to take the step even if I've got the acne or I look a certain way.

19:56 You map them down, and then it's a super simple practice.

19:59 You just bring yourself back to this regularly to remind yourself, okay,

20:02 my attention is going on to these things,

20:04 but I really want to care less about them.

20:06 How do I actively shift my attention to what I want to care more about?

20:09 When you consciously take control of your thoughts,

20:12 you're re-engaging the prefrontal regions in your brain.

20:15 We get more activation, more blood flow going here,

20:18 and then it fundamentally shapes how you're showing up.

20:21 So, that's a really,

20:22 really simple practice if you're struggling with any kind of physical element.

20:26 Well, it's also really helpful if you're moving through something emotional.

20:33 Completely.

20:33 If you have just gotten laid off,

20:35 your job already was something you cared about for years.

20:39 If you no longer have it, even if it was devastating to lose the job,

20:45 don't you want to care less about that job that's no longer here?

20:49 And don't you want to care more about the future you

20:52 and your future value and the next chapter of your career?

20:56 Same thing with a breakup.

20:58 You already gave years or months or however

21:00 much time and energy to the relationship that's over.

21:04 Don't you want to care less about it?

21:06 Have it impact you a little bit less?

21:08 Don't you want to care more about all

21:11 of the things that could bring you happiness,

21:13 about reinventing yourself, about stepping into this next It's such

21:17 a beautiful and simple illustration because it's true, Dr.

21:21 Shade.

21:21 We live in our heads.

21:22 Mhm.

21:23 And I love that when you get out of your head and you put

21:25 it on paper like this, it allows you to not be in your thoughts,

21:30 but to examine them and direct them differently.

21:32 It's brilliant.

21:34 Dr.

21:34 Shade, could you walk us through just what does

21:37 life feel like for somebody who has low self-acceptance?

21:43 So, we see four really painfully familiar

21:46 patterns with people who have low self-acceptance.

21:49 The first one is what we call the pressure to prove.

21:52 Mhm.

21:52 So, this is where you feel like you're not enough,

21:55 so you have to prove your worth through achievement,

21:59 and setting and achieving the goal, and getting the recognition and the title.

22:04 But, what happens is you tell yourself, "When I get there,

22:07 then I will feel like I'm enough." Mhm.

22:09 And you get there, and it doesn't feel like you thought it would,

22:12 and then you just set the next goal.

22:13 So, you're perpetually chasing this feeling of enoughness,

22:16 and you're proving yourself,

22:18 but it's not having the effect that you want.

22:20 That's the first, pressure to prove.

22:21 The second one is what we call the likeability trap.

22:24 So, if you don't accept who you are,

22:27 you outsource your worth to how other people see you.

22:30 Mhm.

22:31 And if they can like you, if they can see you as acceptable,

22:34 then maybe you can see yourself as acceptable.

22:37 But, then this leads you to sacrifice yourself.

22:40 You say yes when you really mean no.

22:42 You over-apologize for things you shouldn't be apologizing for.

22:45 You don't speak up in the meeting.

22:47 You don't ask for what you deserve.

22:50 And you end up sacrificing what you want

22:51 and need because you're prioritizing everyone else all the time.

22:55 And you don't know who you are.

22:56 So, that's the likeability trap.

22:57 We prioritize being liked over being true to who we are.

23:00 And I say we because I struggle with acceptance.

23:03 I speak from experience here.

23:04 Now, the third one is what we refer to as the shrinking syndrome.

23:10 So, this is where you see someone,

23:11 and you might resonate with this if you're watching or listening,

23:13 where an opportunity comes your way, an incredible opportunity,

23:19 but suddenly your brain starts magnifying all the ways it could go wrong.

23:22 The ways you might fall short,

23:23 the ways you might fail, the what will other people think.

23:27 And so, you know what?

23:27 It's safer just to shrink back and make an excuse

23:31 as to why you're not ready or why the timing is not right.

23:33 Yeah.

23:34 You shrink from those incredible opportunities.

23:36 And then the fourth is the Schadenfreude cycle.

23:39 This is a German term, and it refers to that feeling that some people get,

23:43 that feeling of pleasure when they see other people struggle,

23:47 or other people stumble, or other people fail.

23:51 And it's ego-driven, and it's because when they don't accept themselves,

23:54 they like to see other people suffer, too.

23:57 Oh.

23:57 It's terrible.

23:58 It's absolutely terrible.

23:59 It's more common than you'd think.

24:01 It's why people love gossip.

24:03 It's why people love reading headlines that are tearing other people down.

24:07 It's very much a human experience,

24:09 but it reflects that someone doesn't fundamentally accept who they are.

24:13 Oh, I hate that.

24:14 I hate that, too.

24:15 Wow.

24:15 It happens.

24:16 You know, in your book, Big Trust,

24:18 you cover 10 different ways that you can start to build self-acceptance.

24:24 Can you just give us a handful of them?

24:26 Absolutely.

24:26 I'll share some of the simplest ones that are really,

24:28 really tangible for people.

24:29 So, what we see with anyone who

24:30 struggles with acceptance is they will over-apologize.

24:34 Sorry I'm talking too much.

24:35 Sorry I'm so emotional.

24:36 The simplest thing you can do here,

24:38 rather than apologizing which is to highlight

24:40 some inadequacy and makes you feel less, yeah, is to shift into appreciation.

24:45 So, instead of sorry I'm talking too much, you would say,

24:48 "Thank you so much for listening." Instead

24:50 of sorry I'm being really emotional right now, thank you for bearing with me.

24:55 I'm passionate about this.

24:56 [clears throat] And this is the power of the words that we use

24:59 when we're engaging with people because it not only shapes how we feel,

25:02 suddenly we're not apologizing for existing,

25:05 we're actually acknowledging the other person.

25:07 So, we feel better, but it makes the other person feel better, too.

25:09 I needed you yesterday as I was crying over something and then

25:12 apologizing to everybody for being emotional about something that was stupid.

25:17 But it's cuz you care.

25:18 And then saying to everybody,

25:19 "And you're probably judging me that I shouldn't be stu- So,

25:21 now I'm making them wrong.

25:24 When I And it made me feel worse and it made everybody feel uncomfortable.

25:30 And it would have been way better to just say, "Thank you for bearing with me.

25:34 This is just a lot.

25:35 And I really appreciate your patience and your kindness on this I

25:40 need a I As soon as this interview is over,

25:42 I am making a phone call and saying that to somebody

25:45 because it it I didn't use that and it's very powerful shift.

25:49 Because I can see how stomping on myself and not accepting my emotions.

25:54 And then inadvertently stomping on everybody sitting there trying to comfort me.

26:01 Wow.

26:01 Okay, what's another one?

26:02 Simple, powerful.

26:03 Okay, the next one is if you struggle with acceptance,

26:05 you also tend to say yes before you've even

26:09 processed what you Is this resonating with you, Mel?

26:12 Yes.

26:12 It's I didn't think I struggled with self-acceptance so, but I guess I do.

26:15 Well, interestingly, a lot of really high achievers who have

26:18 done incredible things in their life struggle with self-acceptance.

26:21 Huh.

26:22 And it's one of the things that keeps them pushing,

26:24 but it's also one of the things that really tethers them and is weighty.

26:27 Yeah.

26:28 So, if you, like me, like Mel,

26:30 tend to over commit because you're saying yes to everybody

26:34 else because you don't want to let them down,

26:37 what's really valuable is learning how to say no.

26:40 But what you want to do first is not just an automatic no.

26:43 You create a little bit of a delay.

26:44 So, you can actually process what they've said.

26:46 We know from research that even a few seconds, a few milliseconds,

26:50 allows us to make a better decision when the pressure is on.

26:52 So, what does that actually look like in practice?

26:54 You start with thank you for thinking of me, so positive first response.

26:58 You move into let me check with my schedule.

27:01 Let me check with my husband or my wife.

27:03 Let me confirm I have capacity,

27:06 and then step three is I will get back to you by X time, right?

27:09 Thanks for thinking of me, let me check, I'll get back to you.

27:13 And then you reflect on whether you actually want to do this thing.

27:16 Now, then the next part comes,

27:17 how do you actually say no if you want to decline?

27:20 When we just think about the saying no,

27:21 it can feel very selfish if you are a people pleaser,

27:24 if you struggle with approval and acceptance.

27:28 So, what you want to be thinking about is, okay,

27:29 how do I make this not a no, but a yes to myself?

27:32 Oh.

27:33 If I can make this a yes to myself,

27:35 I don't have to say to the other person I'm saying yes to myself,

27:37 but it makes the process so much easier.

27:39 me an example.

27:40 So, an example would be, okay,

27:40 I don't want to spend the whole weekend helping someone move in because

27:45 I'm going to say yes to the fact that I need recovery this weekend.

27:49 Yes.

27:49 So, then when you go and give the decline,

27:50 it's not just a no because I'm selfish, it's actually again,

27:53 thank you for thinking of me, this weekend I'm focusing on rest and recovery,

27:57 but let me know how you go.

27:58 I'd love to see you when you're all set up.

28:00 Right, or this weekend I'm I had plans to go to the museum,

28:03 or this weekend I already had something else going on and can't help you out.

28:07 So simple.

28:07 So, that's the second tool.

28:08 I want to share it just two more really quick ones.

28:10 The third one is a really counter-intuitive one.

28:12 If you want to accept yourself more, go and get a hobby.

28:15 Why?

28:16 Because people who struggle with self-acceptance

28:18 tend to identify with their jobs.

28:21 So, if you're watching or listening right now and you're you're

28:23 resonating with this, you probably identify with the work that you do.

28:27 Which means if things are going really well at work, you feel fantastic.

28:30 If things are not going well,

28:32 you're going to feel terrible because you're internalizing it.

28:35 Does that resonate?

28:36 I feel called out.

28:37 I'm just going to say it right there.

28:38 Yes, given that I was crying yesterday morning [laughter]

28:42 and objectively things are going amazing.

28:45 When you do something outside of your day job,

28:48 outside of your business, outside of whatever title you've attached to yourself,

28:51 it reminds you that you are so much more

28:54 than what you're doing in that business, at work.

28:57 Now, we also need to acknowledge sometimes this is

28:59 to do with your role as a parent.

29:01 Mhm.

29:01 You might identify so closely with being a parent if you are a full-time carer.

29:06 And so getting a hobby gives you that separation.

29:08 It activates different parts of the brain.

29:10 There was a study with over 93,000 people in 16 different

29:13 countries and they found that people who have hobbies accept themselves more.

29:18 They have higher self-esteem.

29:20 So there's that evidence.

29:21 There's also another super interesting study of Nobel Prize winning scientists.

29:26 They found that those Nobel Prize winning

29:28 scientists were three times more likely than regular

29:31 scientists to have a hobby and 22 times more likely to have a creative hobby.

29:37 Now, what does that tell you and why is that important?

29:39 It tells us that well, what these actual scientists told the researchers,

29:42 which then leads into what that tells us,

29:44 they said that having those hobbies gave

29:46 them something outside of work to make connections.

29:49 Mhm.

29:49 It gave them an outlet when they were having a bad day at work and it

29:52 allowed them to realize that their identity is

29:54 not just what they're doing in the lab.

29:57 They actually can go and have fun and give

29:59 themselves permission to play and be a beginner.

30:01 Could you talk specifically to a person who's listening right

30:04 now who may be in a moment in life where

30:09 they are a caregiver for somebody aging or they've got

30:12 super young kids at home and they're stretched so thin?

30:16 Could you speak directly to why a hobby right now

30:23 when it feels like you have no time is the exact

30:27 thing you need to make time for when it comes

30:30 to your self-doubt and everything that you're doing for everybody else?

30:36 Because hobbies are a form of recovery Mhm.

30:38 and they remind you that you're important, too.

30:41 And when you give yourself the permission

30:43 to recover and go and have fun and play,

30:46 it allows you to be a better carer, to be a better parent,

30:51 to be a better whatever it is in your life.

30:53 You give yourself that permission, you're honoring the fact that you accept who

30:57 you are and that you need these things.

30:58 We know, the research tells us that play is important, hobbies are important,

31:02 and honoring that can be one of the most powerful things that you do.

31:05 Dr.

31:05 Shade, you also say that to build more self-acceptance,

31:11 stop using positive affirmations.

31:15 This is a big one.

31:16 So, we see all the time online that we should use positive affirmations.

31:20 If you don't feel like you're enough,

31:21 tell yourself, "I'm enough." every morning.

31:23 Yep.

31:23 Now, that doesn't work if you struggle with self-acceptance.

31:28 Research shows us that if you struggle with self-acceptance and self-esteem,

31:32 using positive affirmations backfires and makes you feel worse.

31:36 Why?

31:37 Because it contradicts how you see yourself.

31:39 Mhm.

31:40 And there's a part of your brain, your mind that goes,

31:42 "Nah, you're faking it." and you can become even more self-critical.

31:46 Wow.

31:47 Wow.

31:47 So, what do we do instead?

31:48 That's not to say that positive affirmations cuz if you hate the way you look

31:52 in the mirror and you're like, "I look beautiful.

31:54 I'm enough.

31:54 I'm this.

31:55 I'm that." and you don't believe any of it, then there is this disconnect.

32:01 You know you're lying to yourself.

32:02 So, if you can't say positive things, what does the research tell us that we

32:07 should say if we're struggling with self-doubt and self-acceptance?

32:11 To use a self-affirming, growth-oriented statement instead.

32:15 That's a mouthful.

32:16 So, what is the sentence?

32:18 simple, simple terms, it's simply don't lie to yourself.

32:21 Just flip it into something that's growth-minded.

32:23 For example, Yes.

32:25 one of the areas that lack of self-acceptance

32:28 shows up in is this belief of I'm boring.

32:31 I'm actually boring because people don't want to be too much for others.

32:35 And so, that looks like them believing that they have nothing of value to share,

32:39 nothing of meaning to share,

32:40 and so they tell themselves, "No, I'm boring." So a simple way is not,

32:44 "Oh, I'm the life of the party.

32:45 Everyone loves me." That's a positive affirmation that will backfire.

32:48 You would say, "Okay,

32:50 I bring a calming and grounded presence to my conversations."

32:54 You see how you're not trying to one-up with something positive.

32:58 You're actually just sidestepping it and flipping it.

33:00 Yep.

33:01 And that suddenly makes you feel very, very different.

33:03 If you feel like you're unlovable,

33:05 instead of "No, I am lovable," which may backfire,

33:09 you would say, "I have certain qualities that the right people value." Mhm.

33:14 So again, it's so simple.

33:15 It's not flipping it with something that's almost toxically positive.

33:18 Yeah.

33:19 It's just shifting into something that is growth-oriented and anchored in truth,

33:22 and it doesn't require you to become someone else, which is the beautiful thing.

33:26 Well, it sounds like the test is do your shoulders drop?

33:28 Yes.

33:29 Versus, "I'm lovable." You know, your shoulders up, "I don't know.

33:32 Am I?" Yeah.

33:33 But if you say, "I have qualities

33:35 that the right people really love and appreciate." Aw,

33:39 like your shoulders just dropped because there's truth in it.

33:43 I love that.

33:43 I love that.

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34:35 So, let's move on to the second A in the four-part

34:39 framework of rewiring self-doubt and building

34:43 more confidence, and that is agency.

34:45 What is agency?

34:47 So, in the context of self-doubt,

34:48 agency is that attribute that allows you to trust that you can do the thing.

34:53 And if you don't know how to do it, you will learn how to do it.

34:56 And so, if you trust that you can do that, you're going to take the step.

35:00 You're going to say yes.

35:01 You're going to persist when things don't go

35:03 well because deep down you believe that you can.

35:07 Now, when this is weak Yes.

35:10 let's explore what this looks like.

35:11 So, if this is weak, if you struggle with your agency,

35:13 we see a number of patterns here.

35:15 The first one is the dreaded imposter syndrome

35:19 where you have achieved things in your life,

35:21 amazing things, maybe recognition, maybe awards, maybe an amazing job title.

35:26 And yet, you feel like you don't deserve it.

35:28 You feel like someone is going to highlight that you shouldn't be where you are.

35:32 And so, essentially, what it comes down to is that you believe other

35:36 people think you're smarter or more competent than you really are.

35:41 Now, a few things about imposter syndrome.

35:44 The term imposter syndrome was not the term

35:46 that was used initially when it was discovered.

35:49 Back in the '70s, '80s, when it was first observed,

35:52 they called it the imposter phenomenon.

35:55 Now, what's the difference between a phenomenon?

35:56 So, a phenomenon is basically where you

35:58 observe something in a population of people.

36:01 Right?

36:01 A syndrome is something that seems medical and seems

36:05 pathological and seems like something is wrong with us.

36:07 A phenomenon seems like something that can appear occasionally.

36:11 Yeah.

36:12 Syndrome feels like a life sentence.

36:15 Well said.

36:16 Okay.

36:16 And so, we need to think when we feel like an imposter,

36:20 it's actually far more common than you'd expect.

36:23 In fact, some studies have found up to 82%

36:25 of people have felt like an imposter at some point.

36:28 Wow.

36:28 And the beautiful thing about feeling like an impostor

36:31 is it is a sign that you are growing.

36:34 You are stepping out of your comfort zone.

36:36 Cuz anyone who has ever done anything new will be

36:38 in a position where they haven't had all the skills,

36:41 or they don't know all the answers,

36:43 and it's very easy for them to then feel like I don't deserve to be here.

36:47 But you have to honor the fact that you bring a track record with you,

36:50 and maybe we'll talk about a few tools to help with this a bit later.

36:53 Yes.

36:54 So, that's the first one.

36:54 The second one we see a lot of here

36:56 with anyone who struggles with agency is social comparison.

36:59 Oh.

36:59 They're comparing themselves to other people, not in a positive way,

37:03 but in a you are so far ahead of me and I'm inadequate, I could never do that.

37:07 And we see this a lot when people again are leveling up in their lives,

37:11 moving up in their careers, achieving more things in their business.

37:15 Suddenly, as soon as you take that step to the next level,

37:18 you're now comparing yourself with people at that level,

37:21 which naturally means that there's more for you to develop

37:24 and do and and grow because they've been there longer than you.

37:28 Maybe they are better at certain things,

37:30 but if you start fixating on that and feeling like I can never do what they do,

37:33 you undermine your agency.

37:35 So, that's the second one.

37:36 I mean, comparison is natural,

37:38 but we need to get better at making sure it's not filling us with self-doubt.

37:42 Yep.

37:42 And then the third area here is where

37:43 people are just constantly waiting to feel ready,

37:46 to feel prepared, so they procrastinate by busying

37:50 themselves with planning and reading and preparing.

37:54 And they say, "I just want to learn a little bit

37:55 more." But we know that the more you learn about something,

37:58 the more you realize how little you know about that thing,

38:01 and the more doubt you have, and the less likely you are to take the step.

38:05 I think this is so fascinating,

38:07 and I just want to reflect back two things to you.

38:10 So, if you're somebody that struggles with agency when it comes to self-doubt,

38:16 you may feel impostor syndrome,

38:18 you may struggle a lot with comparison, and you may also be a big planner.

38:23 And one of the things that struck me that I've never thought about before

38:27 is that when you identify and get very clear about a goal that you have,

38:32 whether it's getting in better shape or it's dressing

38:34 in a more style-able way or it is earning more

38:38 money or it is changing your career and getting

38:40 into real estate or learning how to make money online,

38:43 simply identifying a new goal or a change means that you

38:49 have a gap of having to become more capable in that area.

38:55 You've never done this before.

38:57 And so, what are the tools other than saying,

39:00 "I can figure this out." or saying, "Hey, comparing myself is part of this.

39:05 Like it means that I want this." Like

39:06 how do you deal with imposter syndrome in particular?

39:11 So, the very first step, let's look at the feeling that you are fraudulent,

39:15 that you don't deserve to be where you are, okay?

39:17 What you want to think about is, "Okay, this is actually super common.

39:21 This just means I'm stretching and growing.

39:22 So, how do I give myself time?" And a very simple reframe,

39:25 because we know how powerful it is when we're

39:27 changing the language that is going on in our heads,

39:30 is instead of, "I don't feel like I deserve this." or "I don't feel like

39:33 I belong." immediately shift to "What an incredible

39:37 opportunity I have to learn and grow." Mhm.

39:41 So simple and yet so effective,

39:43 because you're shifting your attention to everything

39:45 you think you lack into, "Cool, I can fill some gaps.

39:49 Amazing." Again, you don't have to lie to yourself,

39:51 you're being really pragmatic about that.

39:53 So, that's the first step.

39:54 The second one is to actually talk about it when it comes to imposter syndrome.

40:00 So many people have experienced it.

40:02 Just feeling undeserving.

40:04 It's so common and when you speak about it openly,

40:08 you realize that everyone is on this same journey

40:11 and that sense of collective can be really helpful.

40:14 So, in the 1980s Citicorp was merging with Travelers Insurance,

40:20 and they needed a graphic designer to come up with their new logo.

40:23 So, they hired the firm, and Paula Scher was a partner at this firm.

40:26 She's an incredible graphic designer.

40:27 She comes in, and she's sitting

40:28 at the boardroom table with the the decision-makers,

40:32 and they're all talking about what they wanted for the logo.

40:34 She grabs a napkin from the side of the table,

40:37 and she starts scribbling on that napkin.

40:39 A few seconds later, she slides that napkin across the table,

40:42 and she says, "Here is your logo." Now, the room was stunned.

40:47 People were thinking, "How is it possible that you designed a logo

40:49 in just a matter of seconds?" And she says,

40:53 "I designed this in a second and 34 years.

40:57 I designed this with everything that I have learned.

41:00 So, yeah, you got it in a few seconds,

41:01 but it took me 34 years to be able to do that." Mhm.

41:04 And they ended up paying her $1.5 million for that logo.

41:08 Now, what is the message behind this that we can take away?

41:11 So often when we feel like imposters, we are just looking at the here and now.

41:15 The spotlight is on this current space that we're in.

41:18 And we forget that we have this incredible track record behind us.

41:23 In Paula Scher's case, it was 34 years of work that got her to that point.

41:28 But a lot of us will sit there in that meeting and think,

41:30 "Oh gosh, I need to design something.

41:31 I don't know if I've done this before." We fixate on all the gaps.

41:34 "I don't deserve to be here." So, that's a really powerful lesson from that.

41:39 Shift the spotlight back to everything that you have

41:42 developed over the course of your life and your career.

41:45 That reminds you, "Hey,

41:46 maybe I do have certain capabilities and skills that I've

41:50 earned that allow me this seat at the table." The third A in this framework

41:54 around self-doubt and building confidence is autonomy.

41:58 What does autonomy mean, Dr.

41:59 Shade?

42:00 So, in the context of self-doubt,

42:02 autonomy is the belief that you have a degree of control over your life.

42:05 Mhm.

42:06 You feel personally powerful.

42:08 Now, that doesn't mean you can control absolutely everything,

42:10 because not everything can be controlled,

42:12 but you focus on what you can and because

42:14 of that you feel like you have more control.

42:17 Now, if you don't have a strong degree of autonomy,

42:20 we see a number of common patterns here.

42:23 And if you're paying attention,

42:24 if you're listening to this, you will probably be able

42:27 to identify at least someone in your life who is struggling here.

42:30 We are less able to identify in ourselves

42:33 because part of low autonomy is not taking ownership.

42:36 Mhm.

42:37 So, okay, let's look at these patterns.

42:38 The first one is if you struggle with autonomy, you complain a lot.

42:43 You complain about everything wrong in your life because

42:45 it's easier to complain than to do something about it.

42:48 Because to do something about it requires you to take ownership.

42:51 And that is what low autonomy doesn't allow you to do.

42:54 So, you complain.

42:55 Now, people don't realize when they complain about things,

42:58 they are reliving the situation in vivid detail in their brain,

43:02 which is creating deeper, more efficient neural pathways,

43:06 which makes complaining your default.

43:08 You basically become a negativity magnet.

43:11 Cuz you notice more of the things to complain about.

43:13 So, we get complaining is the first pattern.

43:15 The second one is blame.

43:18 People are blaming others, the situation, the traffic,

43:22 the weather, my husband, my wife, my boyfriend, my team.

43:26 There's no personal accountability.

43:28 And they will share that with everybody else.

43:30 The third one is resentment,

43:33 where again they are resentful to other people because they

43:37 feel like everyone else has an easier life than they do.

43:40 And that also leads them to play into this victim mindset, why me?

43:43 Life is so difficult for me.

43:45 And the fourth is Okay, so you know those people that come to you

43:49 when they share with you their objectively difficult life stories?

43:52 And the first time they share it with you,

43:53 you are so filled with empathy and compassion for what they've been through.

43:58 And then by the time they've shared it with you the 20th or 30th time,

44:02 you realize they are keeping themselves stuck by ruminating on it.

44:06 Yes.

44:07 because it's safer for they feel safer when they can hold

44:09 on to a wound because it reinforces this view of I am a victim.

44:13 I am powerless.

44:14 Look at how terrible my life has been.

44:16 And they get sympathy from that, so it's socially rewarding.

44:19 So, this is what we see.

44:20 So, the next question is, well, what do we do?

44:22 Yes.

44:23 If Yes, what do we do?

44:24 And I want to take them one at a time

44:25 because so many people struggle with each one of these.

44:27 So, Dr.

44:28 Shade, what do you do if you are constantly overthinking everything?

44:32 So, if you're constantly overthinking everything,

44:34 overthinking is a sign that you do not feel like you have control.

44:39 And it's your brain's attempt to try

44:41 and manufacture certainty when there is none.

44:44 Your brain says to itself, cuz the brain likes to be really efficient.

44:47 It wants to save energy.

44:49 And so, it's fundamentally lazy.

44:50 And so, there's this part of it that goes,

44:52 if I can anticipate everything that could go wrong,

44:55 then I have to expend less energy when the consequence eventually happens.

44:59 And this is why we get stuck in those loops

45:01 of everything that could be out of our control.

45:03 It's also what reinforces low acceptance because

45:06 we start overthinking, do they like me?

45:08 What did that mean?

45:09 How come they haven't replied to me?

45:11 Or agency.

45:11 What if people find out I can't do this?

45:13 What if I mess up there?

45:14 So, it's all a reflection of low autonomy.

45:17 So, when we're overthinking,

45:18 something that is terrible advice is to tell yourself, just stop worrying.

45:22 Stop overthinking.

45:24 And yet you might have someone in your life

45:25 that says this to you, just stop worrying.

45:28 Bad advice.

45:29 What we know is much more effective is to give your overthinking an outlet.

45:34 What does that mean?

45:35 Every time you have a distracting thought that pops up during the day, a worry,

45:38 you're ruminating on something,

45:40 grab a notebook and a pen and actually write it down.

45:43 And then you say to yourself, I'm not going to worry about you now.

45:46 I will worry about you during worry zone.

45:49 Okay.

45:49 Okay, so you're parking it somewhere.

45:51 Got it.

45:51 Then, at the end of the day,

45:53 you want to actually schedule in your calendar about 10 minutes of worry time.

45:58 Not too close to bed cuz it might keep you up.

46:00 So, a good time is, you know, around 5:00, 4:00, 5:00, whenever works.

46:03 You schedule it in your calendar.

46:05 When that time comes, you set an alarm for 10 or 15 minutes.

46:08 You bring out your worry list, and you allow yourself to worry.

46:12 Now, this does a few things.

46:13 It's called stimulus control for worry,

46:15 and research has found This is an incredibly effective technique.

46:19 It is.

46:20 To It is.

46:21 be honest, it sounds dumb.

46:22 It sounds completely dumb.

46:23 It sounds like, what?

46:24 It sounds completely counterintuitive.

46:26 But, what happens is when you're not worrying about something in the moment,

46:29 the emotions attached to it when it initially came up Mhm.

46:33 are no longer there.

46:35 And when you're not worrying about it in the moment,

46:36 when it comes up in the moment,

46:38 it's driven largely by default areas in the brain.

46:41 By you know, there's greater activation in the threat detection centers,

46:44 in the fear centers of the brain.

46:47 And so, naturally, we don't have access to the front regions,

46:50 which allows us to process that rationally.

46:53 But, when you review it later, you suddenly Well, it shrinks the fear to size,

46:57 and the research tells us that you can so better manage your emotional state,

47:01 and actually assess, "Okay, well, are any of these actually going to happen?

47:06 And do I have control over any of these things?

47:09 Now, the next step is once your alarm goes off,

47:10 you actually close it, and you That's it.

47:12 Like, you're done with your worries.

47:14 End of the week, you reflect.

47:16 What could I control?

47:18 What couldn't I control?

47:19 And if there's something I can control, what am I going to do about it?

47:22 It's a really effective way to deal with that overthinking.

47:26 Dr.

47:26 Shade, what do you want to say to somebody who's a chronic complainer?

47:29 You don't realize how you're keeping yourself stuck when

47:33 you complain about the things you have no control over.

47:36 It's cathartic.

47:38 It feels good in the moment.

47:39 It's rewarding, but it's actually keeping you stuck.

47:42 The moment you find yourself complaining,

47:45 the first step is to become aware of it, which is sometimes the hard part.

47:48 The next step is to ask yourself, "Okay,

47:50 well, I essentially have a few options here.

47:51 I can accept the situation as it is.

47:55 I can change the situation.

47:59 I can leave the situation, or I can change how I see the situation.

48:04 They're the only four options I have.

48:06 So, you pick one, and then acknowledge that if I

48:09 keep complaining about this, I'm only going to feel worse.

48:12 It is not going to help me.

48:14 So, what is fantastic for anyone who tends to complain a lot,

48:17 you will also hear language of should.

48:19 Oh, I should have done that.

48:21 I should do this.

48:22 Mel, how do you feel if I were to say to you, "Oh,

48:24 you should so-and-so." What would you How

48:27 would you respond to the word of should?

48:29 How you should do that?

48:30 done something wrong.

48:31 And you might feel a bit resistant, or you might feel a bit defensive.

48:34 you said, "Mel, you should." I was like, "Now,

48:36 what did I do?" It's because we experience something called a reactance,

48:39 which is this deep internal feeling of resistance.

48:42 Don't tell me what to do.

48:43 We want to feel like we're in control.

48:46 Uh-huh.

48:46 When we're saying should to ourselves,

48:48 when we struggle with autonomy, it makes us feel terrible.

48:51 Now, research also shows that the language

48:52 of should cuts off divergent thinking.

48:54 We don't think as clearly.

48:55 We don't think of solutions.

48:56 We don't think of options.

48:57 There is one swap.

49:00 Move from should to could.

49:03 Okay, what could I do right now?

49:05 Mhm.

49:05 You're not committing to anything.

49:06 It's really low stakes.

49:07 And again, I encourage people to grab a sheet of paper, divide it into two.

49:12 On the left, you write down your could list,

49:14 all the things that you could do in the moment.

49:17 Then, you move into your I will list.

49:20 Pick one, two, or three things that you've identified, and actually do them.

49:25 Actually take the step.

49:27 This is how you increase your autonomy.

49:29 You bring your locus of control back inwards, and it's so incredibly simple,

49:33 and it gets you out of the complaining spiral,

49:35 because sometimes all you need in that moment is to feel powerful,

49:38 and to do something.

49:40 I love that.

49:41 You can catch yourself by saying, "Oh,

49:43 there I go saying I should have done this, making myself wrong,

49:46 increasing self-doubt." Reframe it to I could,

49:49 and then identify something that you will do.

49:52 I love that because it's so simple.

49:55 So simple.

49:56 So simple.

49:56 What if you're somebody that blames?

49:58 The world isn't fair, my boss is a jerk, it's my ex that's ruining my life,

50:04 and you may have a lot of things going

50:06 on, but talk to us about blame and self-doubt.

50:09 Blame is attributing responsibility to everybody else.

50:13 And we hear a lot of always and never from people who are blaming.

50:17 You always do that.

50:18 This never works out for me.

50:19 It's always them.

50:20 It's never that.

50:21 This is something I struggle with.

50:22 I have very like black and white language,

50:25 and it's something that I'm working on a lot

50:28 because I tend to be like very precise.

50:30 Like it's always, or it's never, or it's this.

50:33 Not with people, but a lot when things are happening with work or with myself.

50:38 And so this is an area where I will admit uh it's not blaming other people.

50:44 It's in the way that I talk probably has a lot of weight and blame to it.

50:48 Ooh.

50:48 So what's actually really interesting, and I was going to say this about you,

50:51 I think that your doubt profile,

50:52 from what you've shared with me, acceptance is your weak one.

50:55 Mhm.

50:56 Autonomy is your absolute strength.

50:58 Yes.

50:59 Sometimes what happens when autonomy is so high

51:01 and people take so much responsibility for things,

51:03 they actually end up personalizing things that are not theirs to take.

51:07 Well, as the CEO of the company, I think everything's my responsibility.

51:10 Perfect example of that.

51:11 Yes, I do.

51:12 And so you get into always and never

51:14 because it's your way of holding yourself accountable,

51:16 but sometimes it's not actually helpful in terms

51:19 of how you feel and what you do.

51:20 parents do this, too, that we think everything is our fault.

51:23 And take it on the chin like that.

51:25 So let's talk about blame and how you deal

51:28 with that if you're somebody that's recognizing it in yourself,

51:32 or you're thinking of somebody that's a big blamer,

51:35 and you're about to send this conversation to them.

51:37 So the first thing to think is, okay,

51:39 let's change the language, the intensity of the language that we're using.

51:43 Mhm.

51:43 So instead of this always happens to me,

51:46 let's bring that fact-checker back in, right?

51:48 Is that factual?

51:49 Does it always happen to you?

51:51 Usually, the response will be well, no, it's not always.

51:54 It's It's maybe some of the time, maybe often, but it's not always.

51:57 Okay, what's a more realistic way of looking at that?

52:00 Okay, well, instead of you always cut me off when we're speaking.

52:05 You would say to yourself,

52:06 I've noticed that there are times when I do get cut off when I'm speaking.

52:10 Then you shift responsibility to you.

52:13 How can I speak differently to this person to reduce that happening?

52:18 How can I change what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or when

52:20 I'm saying it to reduce the chances that they're going to be interrupting me?

52:24 That's your first thing.

52:25 So, you take full ownership.

52:26 The second stage is, okay,

52:28 have I made this person aware of something that they're doing?

52:32 You could go to the person and say, look, I've noticed when we speak,

52:35 you either get really excited or you're not aware of it,

52:37 but you do cut me off a lot,

52:39 and I would like to be part of a conversation and a relationship

52:42 or a friendship where both of us feel valued in what we say.

52:45 Were you aware of that?

52:47 A lot of the time, people are not even

52:48 aware of it cuz they're so stuck in their worlds.

52:51 So, there are just a few little tools that you can use.

52:52 If you're blaming, try and bring it back to you.

52:55 Instead of oh, he never takes the trash out.

52:58 Okay, is there something I could be doing to remind him to take the trash

53:02 out or put it in a different place so he takes the trash out?

53:04 Just bring it back to you again.

53:05 That boosts your autonomy.

53:06 So, the last of the four A's is adaptability,

53:09 the ability to kind of go up and down with the curveballs of life.

53:13 Why is this important for rewiring self-doubt and building self-confidence?

53:18 Because adaptability is actually so much more than what we think it is,

53:21 which is just adapting to life.

53:24 In the context of doubt, it's adapting to the emotions that come with life.

53:29 Okay.

53:29 Because emotions are generally experienced when we

53:32 do something and it doesn't work out.

53:34 I mean, look, emotions are experienced all the time,

53:36 but when it comes to self-doubt,

53:38 there's something that we will have done or we'll be thinking

53:40 of doing and then it doesn't work out and there's an emotion attached.

53:44 The disappointment, the that feeling of I'm a failure, I'm not enough.

53:48 These have emotional profiles attached to them.

53:52 And so when we're deciding whether to do anything,

53:56 to take the step, to say yes, to ask them out,

53:59 we're going through this checklist of can I deal

54:02 with the emotions of this thing if it doesn't work out?

54:05 Because our brain is going through that process

54:07 of all the ways that it won't work out.

54:09 And if we don't believe that we can handle whatever emotion comes,

54:14 we will not take the step.

54:16 And that's why getting better at handling and harnessing

54:20 the emotions that come makes everything in life so much easier.

54:25 Well, that makes perfect sense cuz if you don't feel like you

54:28 can handle the emotions of going in and asking for a raise

54:32 or having the hard conversation or putting yourself in a situation where

54:36 you're going to try something that makes you feel anxious or nervous,

54:39 then you're not going to do it and your self-doubt is

54:42 going to increase and you're going to be stuck in this gap

54:45 between what you know you want or what you know deeply

54:48 you're capable of, but you keep blocking your own momentum in life.

54:52 And so that makes perfect sense.

54:56 Is there one thing that if somebody recognizes that they

54:59 are stuck in this aspect that they should do today?

55:04 I'm going to share a super simple strategy here.

55:06 It's called the opposite action strategy.

55:08 It's so easy.

55:09 When we are overcome with some kind of a negative

55:11 emotion in relation to a self-doubt that we have,

55:13 what usually happens to our body?

55:15 We freeze.

55:16 We like kind of go into like a nervous reaction.

55:20 And what usually happens to shoulders or neck or posture?

55:24 Oh, we kind of shrink and like feel like we want to hide.

55:27 Honestly, yes.

55:28 Exactly.

55:29 And so what the opposite action strategy

55:30 tells us is from dialectical behavior therapy.

55:33 It simply says when there is no physical threat,

55:36 do the opposite of what your body's telling you to do?

55:38 Do the opposite of what your body's telling you to do.

55:41 So, if So, in a situation where you feel

55:44 that tension cuz you want to have the conversation, you want to do the thing,

55:49 but now you're blocking your own momentum,

55:51 do the opposite of what your body's telling you to do.

55:53 So, what do you do?

55:54 So, instead of withdrawing, you sit at the end of your seat.

55:56 Engage, look at the person, bring your shoulders back.

55:59 I'm going to share again another really interesting

56:01 tool that comes from the world of research.

56:03 It was just published recently.

56:05 Mel, and everyone listening and watching,

56:06 can you put your hand at the back of your neck?

56:09 Okay.

56:08 to feel a joint.

56:10 Yes, it's like a bony thing, yeah.

56:11 It's like a bony thing.

56:12 Give it a little massage.

56:13 Yes.

56:13 want you to just tilt your head down,

56:15 and you're going to feel more of that, okay?

56:17 And then bring your head back Pointy bones is what I feel.

56:20 great.

56:20 Bring it back up.

56:20 Now, I'm putting my head back up.

56:22 Now, this is a great stretch.

56:23 I encourage everyone to do it regularly.

56:24 But this right here, that action of chin to chest and back up,

56:27 that is called neck flexion.

56:29 Neck flexion, okay.

56:31 Now, we know that there's this connection between

56:33 what our bodies are doing and our posture.

56:35 Should I keep my hand here?

56:36 Oh, you can remove your hand.

56:37 So, that's neck flexion.

56:39 Neck flexion.

56:39 There's a connection between what our bodies are doing and how we're feeling.

56:43 We know that if you have a big expansive posture,

56:45 you tend to feel more powerful and confident.

56:47 This study found that it's because of neck flexion that we feel that way.

56:52 What?

56:52 It is the connection between chin and chest.

56:54 The distance between your chin and chest is what determines how you feel.

56:58 Now, what does that mean for all of us?

57:00 It means that when you're going into a high-pressure situation,

57:03 when you feel the self-doubt,

57:04 when you're wanting to withdraw, you don't even have to think about posture.

57:07 All you have to do is elongate your chin.

57:10 Think about how to expand the distance between chin to chest.

57:13 That's it.

57:14 Oh, I just thought of a rhyme.

57:16 Lift the chin, let's begin.

57:18 I love that.

57:19 Perfect.

57:19 That can go on a mug.

57:20 See, I'll remember that.

57:21 Okay, I'm feeling myself collapse,

57:23 I'm getting nervous, I'm blocking my momentum.

57:26 We got to lift the chin, let's jump in.

57:28 Beautiful.

57:28 Oh, man.

57:29 Okay, I I that.

57:31 Dr.

57:31 Sade, what does research say about your voice and clarity

57:35 and how other people perceive you based on how you speak?

57:38 Okay, so research in speech communication looks

57:40 at the various tones that we have.

57:42 And what we've identified is there's generally two overarching ones.

57:46 One of them is very much a throat voice,

57:48 which happens when we're not really breathing very

57:50 deeply and our voice entirely comes from our throat.

57:53 It's very shallow.

57:54 You see how it sounds friendly, it sounds warm,

57:57 but maybe there's not a lot of credibility to it.

57:59 Let me try that.

58:00 I'm now trying to talk through my throat

58:01 and it's like a different voice that you hear.

58:04 Completely different.

58:05 And that changes how you're perceived.

58:06 Now, the other type of voice It feels different, too.

58:09 It feels really different.

58:09 This is what a lot of people do

58:10 when they're nervous because their bodies tense up.

58:13 So, they're not able to get the oxygen in to fill up their lungs

58:16 and when you don't have a lot of breath because you're trying to retain it,

58:20 that's when you get that higher sound.

58:22 The other one is a more breathy

58:25 voice where you're breathing into your diaphragm,

58:28 which is much easier to do when

58:29 you're not stressed and you're not feeling insecure.

58:32 Mhm.

58:32 And so, you've got breathy voice, which is generally higher pitched,

58:35 which a lot of women unfortunately do when they're nervous

58:37 or in loud spaces because they feel like they can be heard better,

58:41 which is very interesting.

58:42 But what we know is that this deeper diaphragmatic voice,

58:47 which comes with breath,

58:48 it comes with gravitas, this leads to perceptions of greater credibility.

58:53 You come across as if you're more credible.

58:55 You come across as if you're more confident.

58:57 You come across as if you're more grounded.

59:00 And so, a really simple tool for everyone or something

59:02 to practice is to actually hear the difference in those voices.

59:06 In one of them, just speak with a little bit of breath.

59:09 Don't allow a lot to come out.

59:10 It's not super breathy.

59:11 Allow a lot of vocal fluctuation.

59:14 And then the other one,

59:15 which is going to be from the diaphragm, hear the difference.

59:19 Now, if you're in an interview, if you're in a high-stakes environment,

59:22 try and really breathe into We call it breathing into the stomach.

59:25 You're not actually breathing into the stomach,

59:27 but when you take a deep breath into your lungs,

59:29 your diaphragm drops down, so you feel your belly coming out.

59:33 And when you breathe through that, breathe through that voice,

59:37 it does wonders for how you're perceived.

59:39 How can I train myself to speak more eloquently?

59:43 Oh.

59:43 Well, I came prepared, Mel.

59:45 Here is a pen.

59:46 Okay.

59:47 What you're going to do is grab this pen

59:48 and put it between your teeth like this.

59:51 Okay.

59:51 So, for everyone watching and listening,

59:53 we're basically holding the pen between our teeth

59:55 a bit like a dog would hold a bone.

59:57 Okay, great.

59:57 That's exactly what it looks like.

59:58 So, Dr.

59:59 Shaday has put it in between her teeth like a bone, and you know, her stuck.

1:00:03 Here we go.

1:00:04 Okay.

1:00:04 Now, with with the pen in your mouth, so everyone,

1:00:07 make sure you clean your pen before you do this.

1:00:09 I highly encourage that.

1:00:10 You're going to grab a book.

1:00:11 Okay.

1:00:12 And you're going to read any sentence or paragraph from that book.

1:00:16 And you want to pay attention to pronouncing every single sound clearly.

1:00:21 Mel, would you like to do us the honors?

1:00:24 I would.

1:00:25 Great.

1:00:26 Okay.

1:00:27 I am reading from page Oh, this is really hard.

1:00:31 It's really hard.

1:00:32 I'm reading from page 219 of your book, Big Trust.

1:00:38 Yes, you can do the hard thing.

1:00:43 Of all factors that have been studied to understand motivation,

1:00:48 the most potent one is simply feeling like you're making progress.

1:00:54 Like that sank in.

1:00:57 Beautifully done.

1:00:59 Now, you can take the pen out, you can wipe it.

1:01:01 Can you try reading just another paragraph right now?

1:01:05 I'm going to read from page 219 of Big Trust.

1:01:10 Yes, you can do the hard thing.

1:01:14 Of all factors that have been studied to understand motivation,

1:01:18 the most potent one is simply feeling like you're making progress.

1:01:24 Now Mel, tell us how it felt once you took the pen out.

1:01:27 Well, how it felt when the pen was in Let's start there.

1:01:29 was like being at the dentist when they're trying to take x-rays

1:01:33 and your tongue is in the way and you're trying to move

1:01:35 everything around and it feels very awkward and saliva is falling

1:01:40 around and your mouth is not making the shapes that you want.

1:01:43 But as soon as I took it out, it was as if I had a mouth that had been

1:01:48 warmed up and stretched out and the words just felt more intentional.

1:01:54 And this is exactly what this exercise does.

1:01:57 So you're warming up your entire facial muscles.

1:02:00 You're warming up your throat and your tongue and stretching what otherwise

1:02:04 doesn't get stretched very often and that's what leads us to mumble.

1:02:07 That's what leads us to be difficult to understand.

1:02:09 Communication really comes down to how well your message is received

1:02:13 by the other person and that can influence how confident you're perceived to be,

1:02:17 how credible you're perceived to be, how people respond to you.

1:02:20 When we're nervous, everything tenses and so we tend to mumble.

1:02:24 So if you're somebody who mumbles or you have somebody in your life who is

1:02:29 you know kind of going like mumble mumble does this pen trick and practicing it,

1:02:34 is this something that you can do for free at home that will help

1:02:37 you speak more clearly and eloquently

1:02:40 and that will change the way people perceive you?

1:02:42 Absolutely yes and I encourage you to do it often.

1:02:45 Do it in the morning, do it at night, do it before every meeting,

1:02:47 before every phone call because that's how you're

1:02:50 training yourself to be able to pronounce far better,

1:02:53 to enunciate better which is going to improve how you're perceived.

1:02:57 I love this simple pen trick.

1:02:59 Holy cow, I hope you share this with everybody.

1:03:01 It's so cool and I've just started working

1:03:04 with a voice trainer and I'm going to tell

1:03:05 you there were so many things about this I

1:03:07 didn't understand but what you just showed and what

1:03:11 I felt in terms of the difference is

1:03:13 like having a professional voice coach and it's so

1:03:17 important to take this seriously so that people

1:03:21 take you seriously when you have something to say.

1:03:24 Um Dr.

1:03:24 Shade, can you explain to me and to the person

1:03:28 that's here listening or watching what's courage versus humanness scale?

1:03:35 What is that?

1:03:36 So, this is a scale that we will share with leaders and teams

1:03:38 that we work with at the Fortune 100 companies that we're so blessed to support.

1:03:43 Basically, when we look at teams, especially high-performing teams,

1:03:46 we find that there are two general qualities that come up.

1:03:49 The first one is the humanness qualities.

1:03:53 What do you think some of these are?

1:03:55 Warmth.

1:03:55 Yes.

1:03:56 Um care.

1:03:57 Yeah.

1:03:58 Positivity.

1:03:59 Um uh confidence, humor.

1:04:04 Exactly.

1:04:04 All of them.

1:04:05 Uh collaboration.

1:04:06 Empathy.

1:04:07 Empathy.

1:04:07 Compassion.

1:04:08 Yes.

1:04:08 All of these qualities that make us human and allow

1:04:10 us to come to work in a place that we enjoy.

1:04:13 Yes.

1:04:13 Then we also have the performance-based qualities.

1:04:16 We call them courage-based skills.

1:04:19 What are some of these?

1:04:20 What would a team need in order to make sure they're actually performing?

1:04:23 Leadership.

1:04:23 Uh decision-making.

1:04:25 Uh uh clarity.

1:04:28 Uh feedback.

1:04:31 Uh very like definition of goals, process.

1:04:36 Uh am I getting it?

1:04:36 Absolutely.

1:04:37 you.

1:04:38 So, expectations, ROI.

1:04:40 Here we go.

1:04:41 KPI.

1:04:43 And when we look at the research,

1:04:45 this is looking at a scale it's called the trust versus assertiveness scale.

1:04:49 Some of them call it the compassion versus performance scale.

1:04:52 We call it humanness and courage cuz it's just it's easy to understand.

1:04:55 Now, if we were to map these out, so I have a little visual and I will

1:04:58 pulling up a whiteboard as you're listening.

1:05:00 Don't worry, I am going to explain this.

1:05:02 So, we've got she's got on this, we can't see it yet,

1:05:05 but for you listening, imagine four square,

1:05:07 the game that we played in elementary school.

1:05:10 You're on the playground, there's four squares.

1:05:12 We're standing in the squares.

1:05:13 She's got four squares.

1:05:14 On one side it says human on the other side it says

1:05:17 courage and we're about to find out what are in these four squares.

1:05:20 So where we have teams or individuals,

1:05:22 let's look at it from an individual level first.

1:05:24 Someone who is very low and now let's start with high.

1:05:27 Someone who's very high on humaneness.

1:05:29 Yes.

1:05:29 So a lot of that warmth and the empathy and the compassion.

1:05:31 But very low on courage.

1:05:34 Okay.

1:05:34 What we get is the classic people pleaser.

1:05:38 It's the person who wants everyone to like

1:05:40 them and validate them and so they don't say

1:05:41 what they mean in the meeting and they

1:05:42 sit on their hands and everyone's happy with them.

1:05:47 What about someone who is really high on courage but very low on humaneness.

1:05:52 I think everyone who has worked especially in corporate will know someone like

1:05:55 this and unfortunately a lot of these people are in positions of leadership.

1:05:58 Yes.

1:05:59 not great.

1:05:59 They're steamroller.

1:06:00 Steamroller, they're cold, they're calculated.

1:06:03 You don't like working with them and they make you feel insecure.

1:06:06 We call this the agitator.

1:06:07 Oh god, some days I'm like that.

1:06:09 I'm just [laughter] going to admit it.

1:06:10 Usually it's cuz I haven't eaten or I'm getting over an illness or something

1:06:13 disappointing happened and I don't mean to do this but some days I am.

1:06:17 I find that if you find yourself in this state, do your checklist.

1:06:19 Have I had a nap?

1:06:21 Have I had a snack?

1:06:23 [laughter] Have I done my exercise?

1:06:24 Am I doing my breathing?

1:06:25 Sometimes that's all you need.

1:06:26 By the way, this works in a marriage and in a family and in every relationship.

1:06:30 and this is what happens when we don't have the balance

1:06:33 of these two qualities that we need to be functioning people,

1:06:36 team leaders, team members, in a relationship, as a as a parent.

1:06:40 What about someone who's really low on humaneness and low on courage?

1:06:44 I I mean, are they even do they even have a pulse?

1:06:46 I mean, what's happening?

1:06:48 This is where we get apathy and toxicity.

1:06:50 So so if you're dealing with somebody who has behaviors that you know,

1:06:56 people are throwing around the label toxic person.

1:06:59 I don't like that cuz I like I prefer to say just label the behavior.

1:07:03 A person may not be aware that they're this way.

1:07:06 But if you're if you're with somebody who is reading on the toxic

1:07:13 side in terms of their behavior at work or in friendship,

1:07:16 what does that tell you about what

1:07:18 they're dealing with based on humanness and courage?

1:07:21 They have a lot of fear?

1:07:22 They might have a lot of fear.

1:07:24 They might also lack the agency to believe in their competence.

1:07:28 Or and this is something really important in the context of careers,

1:07:32 there's something called career imprinting.

1:07:35 Where the first few experiences we have in our career end

1:07:38 up shaping our sense of identity when it comes to our career.

1:07:42 That makes sense.

1:07:43 So if you're starting out in the workforce

1:07:46 and you have a really unsupportive environment, you have a micromanaging boss,

1:07:50 you have team members who are not giving you the time of day that you need,

1:07:53 you start to internalize that I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough,

1:07:58 and it's always going to be like this because it becomes what's called a schema,

1:08:01 which is like a template in our mind.

1:08:03 Yeah.

1:08:03 And then we go to a new company, a new team, and everything might be amazing,

1:08:08 yet we expect that we're going to be

1:08:11 overlooked and talked over like we were before,

1:08:13 and then we unintentionally create that in the new environment.

1:08:17 Wow.

1:08:17 That's why it's so important when we start thinking about career imprinting,

1:08:21 when we think about that idea of us

1:08:22 and our self-image and the experiences that we have.

1:08:25 Well, you just taught me something about myself.

1:08:26 I think one of the reasons why, other than just personal values,

1:08:29 I have such a innate sense of justice and fairness and injustice is because

1:08:36 my first real big job out of college and law school was as a public defender,

1:08:41 representing people in the justice system who could not afford

1:08:45 a lawyer and who had experienced systematic discrimination their entire life.

1:08:50 Wow.

1:08:51 And so it is like imprinted in my soul to both respond to moments that feel very

1:08:57 unjust and also to get the dukes up

1:09:00 and fight when I have this sense that, you know,

1:09:04 fairness is very important here.

1:09:06 So, that explains a lot.

1:09:08 Mhm.

1:09:08 So, you've had that career imprinting take place.

1:09:11 And it's continually reinforcing itself.

1:09:13 Absolutely.

1:09:13 And what happens when you have high human-ness and high courage?

1:09:17 So, this is what we call the partner.

1:09:19 Okay.

1:09:20 And we we call it the partner cuz

1:09:21 we're usually sharing this in the context of leadership,

1:09:23 but this is someone who feels like they are

1:09:25 a partner with every single person in that team.

1:09:27 Mhm.

1:09:28 When What do they say?

1:09:29 When the tide rises, all ships rise.

1:09:32 And it's someone who recognizes that by them succeeding,

1:09:34 other people can succeed.

1:09:36 And by them helping other people succeed, they succeed.

1:09:38 It means that they are able to be appreciative of others and collaborative

1:09:43 and cooperative while still giving the feedback that needs to be said.

1:09:47 While still addressing behaviors that need to be addressed.

1:09:50 So, why this model is really valuable for anyone who is working

1:09:52 in a company or working in a team or in relationships is just to recognize

1:09:56 that if you struggle with any of the four elements of big trust

1:10:00 that undermine your confidence and courage

1:10:03 and self-trust and you have that self-doubt,

1:10:06 it means that you're going to live in one of these spaces.

1:10:08 The people pleaser.

1:10:10 Being apathetic.

1:10:11 Where you can see if you're apathetic or toxic, you're a blamer.

1:10:14 If you're a people pleaser, you're overthinking or you are comparing yourself.

1:10:19 Or validation.

1:10:21 If you're the agitator,

1:10:22 you're running people over and you're blaming lots of things

1:10:26 and you're taking control but in the wrong ways and complaining.

1:10:30 And if you're the partner, you're just reaching for the tools.

1:10:32 You're adapting.

1:10:33 You are like telling yourself you're capable of figuring

1:10:37 it out or we're capable of figuring it.

1:10:38 I see how this all tracks directly to what you've been teaching us.

1:10:41 It's brilliant.

1:10:42 Wonderful.

1:10:43 So, that's that.

1:10:43 That's the the matrix that we like to share.

1:10:46 And so, it's great to just see how this matrix maps back into big trust.

1:10:49 You know, it's not just an impact that we get for ourselves.

1:10:51 It's an impact that we are taking

1:10:52 into our lives because we don't live in a microcosm.

1:10:55 We're we're interacting with other people.

1:10:57 Yes.

1:10:58 Dr.

1:10:58 Shetagh.

1:11:00 If the person listening takes just one action out of everything

1:11:05 you've taught us today about the research around breaking self-doubt,

1:11:09 rebuilding trust, what's the most important

1:11:12 thing for the person listening to do?

1:11:14 This is something that you encourage people to do, Mel,

1:11:17 which is pick one thing that you have been hesitating from doing.

1:11:20 One thing that you've been holding back

1:11:22 on because self-doubt is getting in your way.

1:11:24 Break it down into the smallest possible step and just do the thing.

1:11:30 Can I share a very quick story here?

1:11:33 Please.

1:11:34 So, this is a story about Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat,

1:11:36 Pray, Love, which became a movie and a global bestseller.

1:11:39 Now, when she was writing it, it's her memoir.

1:11:41 You'd think a memoir would be kind of easy to write.

1:11:43 It's your story.

1:11:45 But, she said that she couldn't get words on paper because

1:11:47 she had this mantra of this sucks running through her head constantly.

1:11:52 Nothing was ever good enough.

1:11:53 She would write, she would rip it up.

1:11:55 She would write, she would delete.

1:11:57 And then, amidst all of that uncertainty and the self-criticism,

1:12:00 she had this moment of clarity and she thought, "Hold on.

1:12:03 I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly.

1:12:06 I just promised the universe that I would write.

1:12:09 I would write something." And so,

1:12:11 with that, she made write the goal and not write brilliantly the goal.

1:12:17 And so, the message behind this is sometimes we need to lower our standards.

1:12:22 We need to lower our standards.

1:12:23 Don't aim for perfection.

1:12:25 Just aim for good enough for now.

1:12:26 You can always improve later.

1:12:28 So, don't aim for going viral on social media.

1:12:31 Aim for hitting post.

1:12:34 Don't aim for building a billion-dollar business.

1:12:36 Aim for setting up a website or getting one paying customer.

1:12:40 Don't aim to find your soulmate.

1:12:43 Just aim to ask them out for a coffee.

1:12:46 When you lower the standard, you make it so much more achievable.

1:12:48 And when you achieve it,

1:12:49 then you see yourself being the kind of person who achieves these things,

1:12:53 which fundamentally changes your self-image,

1:12:56 changes how you see yourself and what is possible for you,

1:12:59 and then that starts to change the rest of your life.

1:13:01 I love that.

1:13:02 Dr.

1:13:03 Shade, what are your parting words?

1:13:06 Show up for the life that you want now.

1:13:09 Don't wait for it.

1:13:10 Don't wait for permission.

1:13:11 Don't wait till you feel ready.

1:13:12 Don't wait till you feel worthy.

1:13:14 If you show up for the person that you want to be now,

1:13:18 there's this beautiful phenomena called embodied cognition.

1:13:22 And when you show up for it,

1:13:23 the world starts responding to you as if you already have it.

1:13:26 You see yourself speaking in the meeting,

1:13:29 going after what you want, creating your own momentum,

1:13:32 and that is how you fundamentally shape your self-image,

1:13:35 which shapes your identity, which shapes who you're becoming.

1:13:39 So, don't wait.

1:13:40 Just show up today, and it is remarkable what you will be able to achieve.

1:13:46 Dr.

1:13:46 Shade, I just want to say on behalf of the person

1:13:49 listening and everyone that they will share this with, thank you.

1:13:53 Because it's one thing to say that, it's a whole

1:13:55 different ball game when you show up with frameworks and tools

1:14:00 and very specific things that you can do in order

1:14:04 to understand the nature of how self-doubt is blocking you,

1:14:08 and exactly what is within your reach to push through

1:14:13 it and continue moving toward the goals that you have,

1:14:17 building the confidence that you know is within you,

1:14:20 and seeing yourself doing the things that you

1:14:23 had otherwise held your back yourself back from experiencing.

1:14:27 Thank you so much for having me,

1:14:28 and for everyone watching and listening, thank you for being here.

1:14:32 Thank you for investing in yourself, and I'm excited to see where you end up

1:14:36 when you apply some of what you've learned today.

1:14:38 I am so excited, too.

1:14:39 I'm so excited that you decided to spend

1:14:42 time listening to this or watching this.

1:14:44 Today you got tools, you got frameworks,

1:14:46 you got the research broken down in the simplest

1:14:49 ways so you can start applying it today.

1:14:51 I cannot wait to see how this changes your life.

1:14:54 So, make sure you tell me what happens.

1:14:56 And one more thing, in case no one else tells you today, as your friend,

1:14:59 I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you.

1:15:02 And I believe in your ability to create a better life.

1:15:05 There is zero doubt in my mind that when you use the tools to rewire self-doubt,

1:15:10 those moments that are going to keep coming,

1:15:12 and you double down on your capacity and the things that are in your control

1:15:16 and the talents that you have inside you

1:15:20 to push through what's happening and learn and grow,

1:15:22 your life is going to get better.

1:15:23 I mean, how could it not?

1:15:25 Alrighty, I will see you in the very next episode.

1:15:27 I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play.

1:15:30 And thank you.

1:15:31 Thank you for watching all the way to the end.

1:15:33 I'm so excited that you're investing your time

1:15:36 in learning how to create unshakable confidence.

1:15:38 And I also want to thank you for sharing the link

1:15:41 to this episode with people in your life that you care about.

1:15:44 Whether it's [music] your sister or your partner,

1:15:46 somebody in your life that keeps shrinking and blocking their own way.

1:15:50 One way to be a great friend [music] or a sibling

1:15:52 or a great partner is to share these resources with people.

1:15:56 And so, I just really appreciate you doing that.

1:15:59 And one [music] more thing.

1:16:00 My team was just showing me that 57% of you who

1:16:03 watch the Mel Robbins podcast here on YouTube are not subscribers.

1:16:06 My goal is to get that number to 50%.

1:16:08 So, could you do me a favor?

1:16:09 If the subscribe button is lit up, would you just hit it?

1:16:12 It's free and it's the best way for you [music] to say,

1:16:15 "Thanks, Mel." And thanks to the team here at the Mel Robbins podcast.

1:16:18 And thanks to Dr.

1:16:19 ShaDay who flew halfway around the world to be

1:16:22 [music] here in Boston to teach you this.

1:16:25 I really appreciate you doing that and I know

1:16:27 that you would appreciate me recommending the next video.

1:16:30 This, you're going to love, and I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.