Pawnee Citizens have an unexpectedly high Level of FREAK! 😈 | Parks and Recreation

0:00 And to my wife, I apologize.

0:03 All I can say is I wasn't just having sex.

0:07 I was making love to a beautiful woman and her boyfriend

0:12 and a third person whose name I never learned.

0:15 Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses

0:19 for the underprivileged when I was actually

0:21 having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.

0:25 I bet cave sex is insane.

0:27 Why?

0:28 Because of the echoes and the humidity.

0:31 In my defense, [snorts] it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

0:37 There's one more thing I want to try.

0:39 I got you something in London.

0:41 A traditional barrister's wig.

0:42 Oh.

0:44 Wear it for me.

0:45 Yeah?

0:46 Mhm.

0:47 All right.

0:52 What's up?

0:53 Ann, we dated.

0:55 What happened to us?

0:56 Really?

0:57 Do you want to get real?

0:59 Sure.

1:00 Sounds like fun.

1:01 Sometimes your relentless cheeriness is confusing.

1:04 Like that time we went to Eagle Tan and we got that hotel room with the jacuzzi.

1:08 Oh, this just got real good.

1:09 And the jacuzzi broke.

1:11 But I did eat food off of your body.

1:14 All right, Chris and Ann.

1:16 I can't believe Jam tried to pull that crap.

1:18 I can.

1:18 He's a horrible monster, but let's focus on the more important issue.

1:21 You want to squeeze in one more practice sesh?

1:24 Oh, do I?

1:26 Tonight, I am throwing Ben his dream birthday party.

1:28 A roller skating bash with an early '90s theme.

1:32 Ben lives for the early '90s.

1:34 The music, the fashion, it's his favorite era.

1:36 As for the roller skating I have a thing for women in skates, okay?

1:40 Everyone has a thing and that's mine.

1:42 As far as things go, it's pretty innocuous.

1:45 Could be one of those dudes that kisses mannequins or whatever,

1:48 but I like a woman in skates a lot.

1:53 I am not willing to let you deprive me She is filibustering on roller skates.

1:58 She's going to be strapped into those things for hours.

2:00 I know this is a dire situation,

2:01 but I swear to god this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me.

2:07 I'm going to have very big roller skates to fill.

2:09 Could I take you out for a celebratory plate of I think you call them poaffles?

2:14 Wow, that is the best offer you could ever make,

2:17 but I had to miss my husband's birthday party for this.

2:20 So, I think I'll be spending the evening with him.

2:22 A rain check maybe.

2:23 Please.

2:26 I'm sorry your birthday party got all screwed up.

2:29 Maybe I should put those roller skates back on.

2:31 Well, you must be exhausted.

2:32 We don't have to go to the party.

2:33 Oh, we're not going to the party.

2:35 We're going home.

2:37 Then why would you need to put on roller skates?

2:40 Oh, yeah.

2:40 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2:41 Yeah.

2:42 We're just we're just skate.

2:47 The name is Special Agent Bert Macklin.

2:50 Tell me who you are,

2:50 who you work for and don't bother trying to lie to me because I'm amazing.

2:54 My name is Judy Hitler and I am the spoiled only daughter of Adolf.

2:58 And I'm going to tell my daddy you were mean to me, Bert Macklin.

3:02 He's not going to like it very much.

3:04 So, untie me.

3:05 Nice try, Miss Hitler, but you have something that I want.

3:08 Where's the necklace with all of Germany's war secrets?

3:11 I don't know what you're talking about.

3:12 I think you do.

3:13 I don't.

3:16 Now, you give me that war-ending necklace or I will resort to torture.

3:20 Fine.

3:22 I will show you where it is, damn it.

3:25 You're too good, Macklin.

3:26 Don't you do it, Hitler.

3:27 Don't you dare fall in love with me.

3:32 Oh, Hitler, you sexy bastard.

3:34 NO.

3:34 YES.

3:39 [screaming] WE'RE LIVE AT CITY HALL WHERE CITY

3:42 Councilman Dexhart is addressing his latest sex scandal.

3:46 Recently, certain allegations have come to light about my inappropriate conduct.

3:51 I'm here to set the record straight.

3:55 I totally did all of it.

3:57 Another sex scandal?

3:59 This guy's unbelievable.

4:00 How does he find the time?

4:01 I also engaged in inappropriate texting sexing and text-mexting,

4:07 which is where you send photos of your junk

4:10 from the restroom of a Chili's to go.

4:13 Mhm.

4:13 Ew.

4:13 Does this make me a bad boy?

4:16 You tell me.

4:18 No, really.

4:19 Tell me.

4:20 It gets me off when women tell me that.

4:22 He's reading this.

4:23 He wrote this down.

4:24 I sent these texts to roughly 100 women under the following pseudonyms.

4:30 [clears throat]

4:30 Enrique Shockwave Willy Dynamite Lee Harvey Teabag I want to take you

4:38 both home and bend you over and just but the same time.

4:47 Woo!

4:47 Donna, there is trouble a-brewing.

4:50 We think that you may have accidentally tweeted from the Parks

4:53 and Rec account rather than your own personal account.

4:55 Uh-oh.

4:56 What it say?

4:57 See you tonight.

4:58 Hope you like tongue baths, you big nasty fireman.

5:01 Then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant.

5:05 I'm both confused and if we're being totally honest, a little aroused.

5:09 Ew.

5:10 Okay, so I'm meeting him in your office in a few minutes.

5:12 How do I look?

5:13 What are you going for?

5:14 Sophisticated with a hint of Bullseye.

5:22 Hello, Leslie.

5:24 How long have you been sleeping with Ben?

5:26 What?

5:27 How long have you been sleeping with Ben?

5:30 That's disgusting and wrong.

5:31 I don't even get Why would I I've never had sex with anyone anywhere.

5:35 It's none of your You have the nerve, the audacity.

5:40 Ben is my boss, technically, and he is terrible face-wise.

5:44 And how how do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him?

5:49 Maybe you are.

5:49 Maybe you're trying to throw me off.

5:51 Mhm, check and mate.

5:55 This is an outrage.

5:57 Who do I call?

5:58 Hey.

5:58 Hey.

5:59 Hey.

5:59 Hey.

5:59 Hey.

6:00 Hey, Ron.

6:00 Hey.

6:00 Listen, you're just who I was looking for.

6:02 Are you Did you forget the um Did you Can I Can I get that thing?

6:07 Can we just uh Did you bring it?

6:10 Mhm.

6:10 This isn't convincing.

6:14 How did you find out?

6:15 We've worked together for a while now.

6:17 I'd like to think I know you pretty well.

6:19 Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.

6:22 Okay, okay.

6:23 And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.

6:27 Haha.

6:28 Wow.

6:29 Eleanor likes the tongue.

6:31 Show me Pelosi again.

6:33 Okay, lay down.

6:35 Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

6:38 Unfortunately not.

6:40 Ah.

6:40 This is a scandal waiting to happen.

6:42 If you get caught, which you clearly will Chris will

6:47 fire you and I won't be able to stop him.

6:50 Ron, we're being very careful.

6:53 Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open.

6:56 Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that.

6:59 It's going to be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting.

7:02 Our countries have had a very special relationship.

7:05 Yes.

7:05 Oh, no.

7:06 You've proven your point.

7:08 Hello.

7:09 Can everyone hear me okay?

7:10 No.

7:11 Okay, great.

7:12 I'm Councilwoman Leslie Knope and today we are here to talk about safe sex.

7:16 I know this is a personal question,

7:17 but how many of you out there are sexually active?

7:21 Oh, my.

7:21 I have two partners, often at the same time.

7:25 Wow, thank you.

7:26 Does anyone know what we risk when we have unprotected sex?

7:30 Heart attack.

7:31 Broken heart.

7:32 Partner dies on top of you.

7:33 Yes, but the truth is the greatest

7:36 risk you face is sexually transmitted diseases.

7:39 Are these old people really having sex with each other?

7:42 Yeah, what did you think they were doing?

7:43 I don't know.

7:44 We're just talking about it.

7:48 [laughter] Best way to prevent them is to use protection.

7:53 Well, that's all fine and good,

7:54 but what if the banana is soft and mushy and doglegs sharply to the left?

7:59 Oh.

8:00 Oh.

8:01 If you encounter this scenario, simply execute the following maneuver.

8:05 Donna, quick question.

8:07 Ann is trying to decide between Mark and myself.

8:10 Uh, she's not.

8:10 If you had to who would you choose?

8:12 Right now, on the spot.

8:13 I'm not sure.

8:14 Would you spin around for me?

8:16 You know what?

8:16 Can we talk privately?

8:18 Sure.

8:18 Just out here.

8:23 Mhm.

8:24 Andy This was literally the most beautiful

8:29 and moving thing that I have ever heard.

8:34 There, there, baby boy.

8:35 Take all the time you need.

8:39 We are responsible adults.

8:41 You know what that means?

8:42 I know.

8:43 We have money and we are going to buy the out of this house.

8:47 Seriously?

8:49 Yes.

8:49 Who needs rental insurance?

8:51 We're going to live here.

8:58 See about the third time today.

9:04 Mhm.

9:05 That's a good shoe shine.

9:09 Mhm.

9:11 Oh.

9:26 Whale tail.

9:27 Whale tail.

9:27 She's flashing a whale tail.

9:28 Abort.

9:29 Abort.

9:29 Hello, Tammy.

9:31 Oh.

9:32 Hello, Ron.

9:34 I didn't see you come in.

9:35 I was just checking myself for scoliosis.

9:37 And?

9:38 Straight as an arrow.

9:40 Just like somebody else I know.

9:42 Jerky?

9:43 Call off the dogs.

9:45 You and I both know that in my entire adult life,

9:48 I have never checked a book out of the library.

9:52 Oh my god, she's amazing.

9:55 Ooh.

9:57 Don't freak out, but Joe from Sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

10:02 What?

10:04 Oh, boy.

10:05 Hi, Joe.

10:06 What's up, Nope?

10:07 Looking good these days.

10:09 What do you say?

10:10 Van's out back.

10:12 Let's roll.

10:13 Where is this coming from?

10:14 I don't know.

10:14 You're putting out some vibe today.

10:16 It's just driving me crazy.

10:18 Listen, if you're looking for a good time,

10:20 why don't you come on down to the toilet party?

10:23 It's what we call the Sewage Department.

10:25 Great.

10:25 Okay.

10:27 Liking the view.

10:30 Still got it, Joe.

10:31 don't.

10:32 Nice.

10:34 Hi, Joe.

10:35 I know you're going to take this the wrong way,

10:36 but can I talk to you for a second?

10:38 You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.

10:42 Would you like to talk outside my van?

10:43 No, here's fine.

10:44 I was flattered by what you said earlier.

10:49 And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?

10:52 She can't be in a wheelchair.

10:55 No canes, no gray hair.

10:56 So, basically, you're just attracted to me because I'm not an elderly person.

11:01 Yeah.

11:00 And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.

11:06 Now, I know you gentlemen had a long flight,

11:08 but I have prepared a welcome party in your honor.

11:11 Excellent.

11:12 I like to party.

11:14 Well, my job is to see to your every need.

11:16 Do we just uh select the woman we desire?

11:21 I will take the large black one.

11:23 Interesting choice.

11:24 What?

11:24 Do you have some kind of a book with photos of the women available to us?

11:28 If not, I will also take the sexy black one.

11:32 I am not surprised at all.

11:34 I've been to South America.

11:35 I did very well there.

11:38 The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex until marriage.

11:44 I am not going to be told not to have sex by someone who's 10 years my junior.

11:49 Amen, Gladys.

11:50 You're right.

11:51 Not about the age thing, about the other thing.

11:53 Perhaps you might understand it better if I read to you from this pamphlet,

11:57 So You Think You Know More Than God.

11:59 Our bodies are God's gift, but they're also the devil's playground.

12:03 The devil likes to hide in all your private nooks and crannies.

12:07 And if you open too wide, he might get out or in.

12:10 What?

12:11 Can we see the condom demonstration again?

12:14 Cuz I don't know where Lou has been.

12:17 Well, I I I wish I I I could, but I Oh, screw it.

12:26 Okay, here.

12:27 This is a penis, right?

12:28 You put a condom on it and you pull the tip

12:30 like this and you roll it all the way down the penis.

12:33 Tell you what, condoms for everybody.

12:34 Who wants some?

12:36 Safe sex for everybody.

12:37 Hey!

12:38 HEY, WHO WANTS TO PARTY?

12:40 HEY, DONNA.

12:41 SO, you're pregnant.

12:43 Oh, man.

12:45 Tom told you?

12:47 Nope.

12:46 You're drinking decaf coffee, which you usually only do in the afternoon.

12:50 You're wearing an empire waist dress and loose

12:52 shoes cuz your feet are already swelling.

12:54 I'd put you nine, maybe 10 weeks.

12:56 My goodness, you're observant.

12:58 Yes, I am.

12:58 Yes, I am.

12:59 Huh.

13:00 When did you make the switch to boxer briefs?

13:03 Yesterday.

13:06 Okay, please stop looking at him.

13:09 Ron!

13:10 Ron!

13:11 There you are.

13:15 Huh?

13:16 Ron, stop it.

13:17 God, please.

13:18 Ron, don't do that.

13:19 Oh, we're done, Leslie.

13:22 Tammy and I are in love, and we're going to start a family together.

13:26 In fact, she's ovulating.

13:28 So, if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

13:31 Wow!

13:32 Where are you going?

13:33 Jerry.

13:34 We're going to spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.

13:38 We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-lb bag of peanuts for energy.

13:42 Oh, god.

13:43 Give me a Huh?

13:46 Huh?

13:46 Okay, excuse me.

13:49 Huh?

13:49 Yeah.

13:50 Oh, god.

13:51 Huh?

13:51 Who keeps emailing me?

13:54 A penis?

13:55 What?

13:57 Oh my god.

13:58 Oh.

14:00 It's emailing me, too.

14:01 Whoever this is, send it to every woman in the entire government.

14:06 Oh my god.

14:09 [laughter] He's going to be so embarrassed.

14:11 I mean, that's a crazy accident.

14:12 No, Andy, he did it on purpose.

14:16 You know what?

14:16 Respect.

14:17 That's a baller move.

14:18 Pun intended.

14:20 I promise not to cheat on you if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast.

14:27 I have no problem with that.

14:29 You can take me to dinner Friday.

14:31 I have only one request.

14:33 That you wear that red thing.

14:36 I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing.

14:42 All right.

14:42 [clears throat] I'm going to make some muffins.

14:46 Yeah, okay.

14:47 I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.

14:49 You aren't sick.

14:51 Maybe you should check out my abs.

14:52 Are you experiencing abdominal pain?

14:54 Every day at the gym.

14:56 How do you feel?

15:00 Oh.

15:02 What are you doing tonight?

15:03 I think I'm going to have to pass.

15:06 Your loss.

15:09 Are you going to hit that?

15:11 Him?

15:12 He isn't exactly boyfriend material.

15:15 Who said anything about a boyfriend?

15:17 Use him, abuse him, lose him.

15:21 It's been really awesome looking at you.

15:24 Most quotable nurse is a total grenade.

15:26 Okay, you're all set.

15:27 You are free to go.

15:30 Or you could stay here and make out with me until the lights come back on.

15:36 Oh, hell yeah.

15:38 Beat it, Donna.

15:40 Aye, Captain.

15:45 Oh, hi.

15:46 Hi.

15:47 I was at a meeting around the corner,

15:48 and some people wanted to destroy this painting, so I brought it here.

15:53 Where's Andy and April?

15:55 They're out shopping.

15:57 What are you doing here?

15:59 I moved into the spare room.

16:03 Really?

16:04 Yeah.

16:04 Huh.

16:05 Can I come in?

16:06 Yeah, yeah, sure.

16:07 Of course.

16:09 Why do they want to destroy it?

16:11 Well, it's a a painting of me as a centaur.

16:15 Okay.

16:15 And it's a nude.

16:17 Oh.

16:18 Just basically like the chestal region.

16:21 Uh-huh.

16:21 Mostly.

16:22 You don't have to look at it if you don't want to.

16:24 no.

16:24 I It's very classy, though.

16:25 Yeah, no, I'm sure it is.

16:26 Oh, man.

16:28 That's Chris.

16:29 I got to take this.

16:30 Okay.

16:30 Hi, Chris.

16:31 Leslie Nope, you need to bring that painting back.

16:33 What painting?

16:34 Leslie, you have the painting, and you need to bring it back in.

16:37 I think I've been pretty fair with you, and I'm starting to feel angry.

16:40 Okay.

16:40 And I don't like feeling angry.

16:41 My heart is racing.

16:42 It's going literally 45 beats a minute.

16:44 I'm sorry.

16:45 If I could just explain to you my point of view.

16:47 You will bring that painting in tomorrow morning

16:49 and surrender it to Marshall Langman, and that's that.

16:51 Do you understand me, madam?

16:55 Yes.

16:56 You know, if I give you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous.

17:03 I don't know.

17:04 I think that would That's pretty gross.

17:06 Seems kind of weird.

17:08 What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?

17:14 You know, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound that weird at all.

17:17 Yeah, it's not.

17:18 I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey,

17:20 and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

17:23 Really?

17:26 All right.

17:28 Awesome.

17:29 I'm in.

17:29 I'm going to go sterilize my neck.

17:31 Okay.

17:37 What?

17:38 We are getting a lot of media requests about this.

17:41 So, Leslie, can you do Perd Hapley?

17:43 Oh, she can do Perd Hapley.

17:48 [laughter] Seriously, can you do his TV show?

17:49 Oh, yeah.

17:50 Everything is great, Ben.

17:52 Leslie and I just had something magical happen today at lunch.

17:56 There are some weird juju in this room right now.

17:59 Office yoga.

18:00 We do stretches at our desk or next to our desk or in a chair.

18:03 Always good for you.

18:05 Um we give everyone pedometers, and we have a contest.

18:09 Whoever takes the most steps wins a prize.

18:12 Okay.

18:13 Yeah, anything to get their heart rate up.

18:15 You know what else gets people's heart rate up?

18:18 Doing it.

18:19 Talking about sex with my boss.

18:24 MOTIVATION BRIGADE, GO.

18:28 SO, YOU BOYS ARE GOING TO GO WORK OUT TOGETHER, HUH?

18:31 NICE.

18:32 WHEREABOUTS?

18:32 Community College.

18:34 Yeah, that's too far.

18:39 Hello, strange person who I have never met before.

18:42 Who are you?

18:43 I'm Janet Snakehole.

18:45 I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret.

18:48 Who are you?

18:48 Burt Macklin, FBI.

18:50 I was the best damn agent they had until

18:52 I was framed for a crime I didn't commit.

18:54 Stealing the president's rubies.

18:58 Now I work alone.

18:59 Lovely to meet you.

19:01 I got to admit, uh I thought your costume

19:03 would maybe be a little BIT HOW DARE YOU?

19:09 HATES.

19:10 According to the newest polls, Leslie Knope is now in second place.

19:13 She's just 15 POINTS BACK.

19:16 HOW DID SHE CLOSE THE GAP?

19:18 You have to give a lot of credit to her campaign manager, Ben Wyatt.

19:21 So, apparently, Newport just fired his campaign

19:23 manager because Ben was kicking his ass.

19:25 Ben is the best campaign manager anyone could ever have.

19:29 Every move he's made has worked.

19:31 He's like a brilliant, sexy little hummingbird.

19:35 What did you just say?

19:36 Nothing.

19:37 Keep up the good work.

19:38 You're doing great.

19:41 Hmm.

19:41 Hmm.

19:42 Must have shelled out a fortune to hire her.

19:44 So, what do we do next?

19:46 I'm setting up a meeting.

19:47 You know, we can size her up, but more importantly,

19:49 it'll humanize you, make it harder for her to attack you.

19:52 And, we'll do it at JJ's Diner.

19:54 Home field advantage.

19:55 As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind, but as a woman,

19:59 all I care about is your slight but powerful body.

20:03 I hate Jennifer Barkley.

20:04 When I go to that senior center,

20:05 I'm going to go up on stage and I'm going to viciously attack her.

20:07 Okay, don't let Barkley knock us off message.

20:09 We are going there to get Ned Jones's endorsement, and that's huge.

20:13 You're right, and I should listen to you always because

20:16 you are a man genius with a taut narrow frame, like a sexy elf king.

20:22 Do you wish I were taller?

20:23 What's going on?

20:24 Nothing, you're perfect.

20:25 Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?

20:29 HEY, SWANSON.

20:32 SNAP OUT OF IT.

20:33 LESLIE.

20:35 Congratulate us.

20:37 Ron's got one just like it on his penis.

20:40 Why yeah.

20:42 What the hell happened to you?

20:45 WELL, [screaming] [laughter] [screaming] YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

21:14 IT'S BEEN KIND OF A crazy night.

21:16 Come back.

21:17 Come back.

21:18 [clears throat] Joe, I've determined that the lube picture was sent

21:22 by you because you sent it from your personal email address.

21:26 stinkmaster69@alumni.sarahlawrencecollege.edu.

21:32 Really?

21:33 Sarah Lawrence?

21:34 Yeah, I wanted a small college experience.

21:37 You also bragged about it to many of your co-workers.

21:40 There's an old sewage department saying,

21:42 "If you've got a nice drain pipe, there's no reason to hide it."

21:46 I doubt that's a saying.

21:47 We are terminating you effective immediately.

21:50 Is this because you're jealous?

21:51 No.

21:52 It's because you broke the law.

21:53 The law of having an amazing package?

21:56 Before we have you forcibly removed,

21:57 you should know this that one of our female employees,

22:00 a nurse, examined the photo you sent her.

22:02 I bet she did.

22:03 And you have the mumps.

22:05 You might want to get that checked.

22:06 Sweet.

22:07 Someone's got mumps on his lumps.

22:10 Up high, anyone?

22:12 Although we are all sad and deeply grossed out

22:15 that the Pawnee Video Dome is turning into a porno palace,

22:19 I am happy to announce that the Pawnee government will

22:22 be hosting a weekly movie night here at the community center.

22:26 There will be free screenings followed by a discussion

22:29 led by local film buff Dennis Lerpiss.

22:31 Tonight's film is The Sound of Music.

22:35 And [applause] I'm glad you're here, Don Swanson.

22:40 The local video store is about to go under.

22:42 We have to save it.

22:43 Oh, this is the wrong movie.

22:45 We need Shut this down, please.

22:46 Shut it down.

22:47 Sorry, Leslie.

22:48 I'm a strict libertarian and I don't believe in bailouts.

22:51 This is not how it happened.