Auctioneers - SNL
Saturday Night Live
0:01 -And now a scene from...
0:07 -I'm home, honey bunny, honey bunny, honey bunny.
0:10 Can I get a smile?
0:10 Can I get a hi?
0:11 Can I get a hello, honey bunny?
0:12 Can I get a hug?
0:13 Honey bunny, honey bunny.
0:15 -Well, look who comes crawling home late as sin.
0:18 Where have you been, been, been, been, been,
0:21 been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been?
0:23 I've been waiting here for two, two, two, three, three, three.
0:26 Do I hear a four, four, four, five, five, five, five, for five, five hours.
0:30 You said you'd be home by 8:00, 8:15, 8:30, 8:35 with traffic.
0:34 Now it's 11:45, 11:50.
0:35 Do I hear 11:55, 55, 55, 55, 55, midnight?
0:39 Bold, coming from the man past his prime in a cowboy hat.
0:42 -I can explain, darling.
0:43 It was bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper
0:45 to bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper.
0:46 I took I-10, I-10, I-10.
0:47 Can I get an I-10?
0:48 I took I-10 to I-20, I-20, I-20, I-20, I-30, I-30, I-30.
0:52 I got off at exit 40 and went straight through the Whataburger
0:56 drive-through and got a honey-butter chicken biscuit and took my time.
0:59 -Meanwhile you got a woman waiting for you at home!
1:03 Now, folks, this is a fine woman.
1:06 This woman is lean and mean and weaned.
1:09 She weighs not 80 pounds, not 90, not 91, not 92.
1:12 Not 92 1/2...
1:13 -Higher!
1:13 -...not 92 3/4, not 92 7/8...
1:15 -Higher!
1:15 -...not 92 8/9...
1:16 -Higher!
1:17 -...not 92— -Much higher.
1:18 Higher, higher, higher every single day since the day we were wed.
1:22 -How dare you?!
1:23 -Meanwhile, folks, I can smell it.
1:25 I can smell it.
1:26 I can smell it from here.
1:26 You've been drinking.
1:27 You've been drinking.
1:28 You've been drinking.
1:28 Was it one glass?
1:29 Two glass, three glasses, four glasses?
1:30 Can I hear a bottle?
1:31 One bottle, two bottle, three bottle, four bottle.
1:32 How many bottles?
1:34 -Oh, that's rich coming from you when you reek of perfume!
1:36 And you got lip gloss on your collar.
1:38 I know you're with them sinful girls.
1:40 I know you're with Bella, Bailey, Bobbi,
1:42 Bambi, Bertie, Bulla, Buggy, Betsy, Betty, Bonnie, Brenda...
1:45 -No, no, no, no, no, no.
1:46 -...and Jewish Samantha!
1:47 -Maybe.
1:48 You were with Betty Botter, and I bet you bought her butter.
1:50 -I would never buy her butter, 'cause I know your butter's better.
1:52 -I know you like her butter better 'cause I bet her butter's hot.
1:55 -Now, how can you blame me, folks,
1:56 when how many times have we had sex in the last year?
1:58 Was it 20 times?
1:59 20 times?
1:59 Can I get at 20?
2:00 20.
2:00 Was it ten?
2:00 Was it ten?
2:01 Was it ten?
2:01 Was it five?
2:02 Was it four?
2:03 No, the winner is zero sex in the last calendar year.
2:06 -Well, folks, there's a reason for that, reasons I will illuminate presently.
2:12 Ahem!
2:12 I had a headache.
2:13 I had a backache.
2:14 I had a toothache.
2:15 I was cold.
2:15 I had a bad day.
2:16 I had a long night.
2:17 I had a big lunch.
2:17 I was tired.
2:19 I had a phone call with my sister.
2:20 I had a phone call with my mother.
2:21 I had a fight on a phone call with my sister and mother.
2:23 And I had a headache.
2:24 I had a migraine.
2:24 And most importantly, I'm old!
2:27 And, honey bunny, the thought
2:28 of your naked Whataburger body literally disgusts me.
2:33 -I want a divorce!
2:34 -I want a divorce!
2:36 -You do?
2:39 Well, maybe that'd be for the best.
2:42 Exhales] Well, folks, it has come to this.
2:45 It looks as if this marriage is...
2:46 going once, going twice.
2:49 Last chance, folks, and this marriage is— -Wait,
2:51 wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
2:53 Mama!
2:53 Mama!
2:53 Mama!
2:54 Mama!
2:54 Mama!
2:54 Mama!
2:54 Dad!
2:55 Dad!
2:55 Dad!
2:55 Dad!
2:56 Dad!
2:56 Dad!
2:56 -Do I hear you're getting a divorce,
2:57 splitting up, conscious uncoupling, amicably parting?
2:59 Is it my fault?
3:00 -Is it my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault?
3:02 -I blame all four of you.
3:03 I just said the quiet part out loud.
3:04 But don't worry, boys.
3:05 We have a special offer today.
3:06 Who wants Daddy on weekends, Daddy on weekends, Daddy on weekends?
3:08 Can I get Daddy on weekends?
3:10 Nobody?
3:10 Nobody?
3:10 Okay.
3:10 Who wants Daddy on Christmas?
3:11 Daddy on Christmas?
3:13 Anybody want?
3:13 -Yup!
3:14 -We got one taker.
3:15 Now, remember, folks.
3:15 This is Dad on Christmas.
3:17 We're talking dirt bikes, PS5s, and pizza, pizza, pizza.
3:19 -Yup!
3:20 -Yup!
3:21 -So, the vibes would be worse at Daddy's house,
3:23 but there will be more TV and a lot more rules.
3:25 Less rules.
3:27 -All right.
3:27 Yup.
3:28 I heard y'all yelling next door.
3:29 And I'd like to make an offer on that little lady who is no longer spoken for.
3:34 -Neighbor Frank bidding on little, old me?
3:37 -Yes, ma'am.
3:38 I am a freak in the bedroom.
3:40 We can do it upside down, on all fours, from the front,
3:42 from the back, from the side, doggy-style, piggy-style, and country-fried.
3:45 -Oh, hearing you all fancy my wife has caused me to re-enter the bidding.
3:49 Can I get a second chance?
3:50 Can I get a second chance?
3:51 Second chance, second chance, second chance?
3:53 How about a third chance?
3:54 How about a fourth chance?
3:54 Can I get any kind of chance at all, because, to me, you are priceless?
3:58 That's right, baby doll.
3:59 You are priceless.
4:01 -Sold to me, the happiest, little lady on earth.
4:05 -Yup!
4:06 -Yup!