The Best Parenting Advice from ‘Mom’

0:00 Isn't this a surprise?

0:02 Hi, Mom.

0:03 You know Marjorie from the meeting?

0:05 Oh, I do.

0:09 Marjorie?

0:10 Bonnie.

0:13 Would you like to join us?

0:14 I'd like to join you, but I'll make the best of it.

0:19 Marjorie has been giving me some really good relationship advice.

0:23 Is that so?

0:24 Why wouldn't you come to your own mother for that?

0:28 The same reason I don't come to you for advice about beekeeping.

0:32 You know nothing about it.

0:35 For the record, I've had hundreds of successful relationships with men.

0:41 The fact that you don't know what you just said is horrifying.

0:46 What did I say?

0:48 You know, these things aren't always judged on quantity.

0:51 I was with one wonderful man for 30 years.

0:56 he left you.

0:57 He died.

0:57 Spin it however you want.

1:01 Marjorie's just trying to help me.

1:02 Oh, I get it.

1:03 You think she's wise cuz she's old.

1:08 So, what's your big advice?

1:10 Well, I told your daughter who came to me instead

1:13 of you that if she really wants something meaningful with this guy,

1:18 she shouldn't have sex with him for at least 3 MONTHS.

1:27 I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT A JOKE?

1:31 NO.

1:32 OH, COME ON.

1:32 WHAT IF she waits 3 months and then finds out he can't deliver the goods?

1:37 Truly, intimacy doesn't depend on DELIVERING THE GOODS.

1:41 OH, MARJORIE, you make me sad.

1:46 Well, what does this guy say?

1:47 Is he okay with taking it slow?

1:49 He thinks that's a great idea.

1:50 Flag on the play.

1:53 What?

1:53 Real men don't go slow.

1:55 He's either lying, gay, or he's packing a gerkin.

1:59 It's a little pickle.

2:00 I know what it is.

2:02 Just do yourself a favor.

2:05 If you're going to wait, at least make sure there's something worth waiting for.

2:10 What's she supposed to do?

2:12 Ask him to whip it out?

2:14 No.

2:15 Show a little class, Marjorie.

2:20 Do a drive-by.

2:22 A drive-by?

2:23 A drive-by.

2:25 No.

2:27 Cruise by the general vicinity.

2:31 Send your knee on a fact-finding mission.

2:35 Do you believe her?

2:37 It's actually not bad advice.

2:40 My late husband loved me, but wow, there was not a lot to work with.

2:47 Work in the gerkin.

2:51 Hey, how the job search go?

2:53 Waste of time.

2:55 Baskin-Robbins can suck it.

2:58 Apparently, 31 flavors doesn't want 28 tattoos.

3:02 I've spent the last 3 weeks filling out job

3:04 applications for every stupid loser business in this town.

3:08 I hope you're bringing that sunny disposition to the job interviews.

3:12 Sure, help yourself.

3:13 I mean, let's face it, I'm never going to get a job.

3:16 I've got no skills, no education.

3:18 All I'm good for is selling my blood.

3:20 Well, there's no money in that.

3:21 What you want to do is sell your eggs.

3:24 How do I do that?

3:24 You don't.

3:26 What is wrong with you?

3:27 You may have some half-brothers and sisters out there.

3:29 We'll talk later.

3:32 Look, we had no skills or education, either.

3:35 Yeah, we weren't always the put-together people you now see before you.

3:39 Those are for everyone.

3:41 But we stayed sober, we didn't give up,

3:44 and eventually we found employers who believed our lies.

3:49 Wait, I can lie on these job applications?

3:51 You haven't been?

3:53 You've been talking about how staying sober means being totally honest.

3:56 Now when it comes to getting some crappy minimum wage job Listen, Jody,

4:01 the owner of this building thinks I was

4:02 a jet engine mechanic for the Royal Canadian Air Force.

4:07 I was not.

4:09 Yeah, she can't even fix a blind man's heater.

4:11 Not can't, won't.

4:14 The point is you learn how to do a job by doing the job.

4:17 Exactly, fake it till you make it.

4:19 Okay, so when they ask me what I've been up

4:21 to, I should say um After I quit high school After you graduated high school.

4:26 After I graduated high school I joined a rock band.

4:30 The Peace Corps.

4:31 The Peace Corps and what did they do?

4:35 You helped bring clean water to poor people in Africa.

4:38 Which is where you got your love for serving coffee.

4:44 Or putting hot dogs on a stick.

4:47 Or getting famous on YouTube.

4:50 Okay, let's start over.

4:56 Does anyone know a good mechanic who fixes cars just for the love of it?

5:00 What's wrong with your car this time?

5:02 I think it just hates me.

5:05 It doesn't even tell me to put my seatbelt on anymore.

5:08 Oh, that reminds me.

5:09 Do any of you have a good piano tuner?

5:13 Christy, you who tells all Steinway.

5:16 You could have just said no.

5:17 You could have looked around at who you're talking to.

5:20 Rich people's problems are just as valid as poor people's problems.

5:23 What do you say we kill her, eat her, and steal her car?

5:27 Hey, sorry I'm late.

5:29 Hey.

5:29 Hey.

5:30 Okay.

5:31 Now guess why I'm late.

5:33 You wanted to keep your streak alive?

5:35 No, I got a job.

5:37 I'm a barista.

5:39 Oh, yeah.

5:42 Oh, and I got to tell you the advice you

5:43 gave me about lying on the application was dead on.

5:46 What's this now?

5:48 Don't worry, we got it.

5:49 She sleeps on our couch, she plays by our rules.

5:53 When do you start?

5:54 Tomorrow.

5:54 I get a uniform and a name tag and I get to drink

5:57 all the coffee I want as long as I use the same cup.

6:00 Oh, Judy, I'm so proud of you.

6:02 Yeah.

6:02 A toast to becoming a productive, tax-paying citizen.

6:06 Oh, Bonnie said I didn't have to pay taxes.

6:09 Shh.

6:14 Mom, angry blind man, 9:00.

6:18 Oh dear god.

6:20 What are you doing?

6:20 He can't see you.

6:22 Then what's he looking at?

6:25 All right, that's it.

6:26 We got to find a new place to live.

6:28 Or you could fix his heater.

6:36 Hey.

6:37 Uh How's work?

6:39 Uh People paid me to stay away from them.

6:47 How's Marjorie?

6:48 She's doing okay.

6:49 I just put her to bed.

6:52 You stayed with her the whole day?

6:54 Yep.

6:56 I made her dinner, did the laundry, panned for cat nuggets in the kitty litter.

7:02 Wow.

7:03 Look at you being all caring and compassionate without rolling on ecstasy.

7:10 I know.

7:10 I'm as surprised as you are.

7:13 I just I can't help feeling the woman's getting a raw deal.

7:16 I mean, she's been sober for 32 years,

7:20 she's always there for anybody who needs her, and what's her reward?

7:24 Cancer.

7:26 I know.

7:27 You start thinking, what's the point?

7:29 Beats me.

7:31 The unconditional love of family?

7:33 Ugh.

7:34 Maybe.

7:37 It's a compelling argument for staying loaded till you die.

7:43 Marjorie gave me that same look.

8:00 Oh god.

8:05 Can I help you?

8:07 Hi, I I'm looking for a Jerry Armstrong.

8:10 That's me.

8:11 Oh, okay, great.

8:12 I'm Christie.

8:14 I'm a friend of your mother's.

8:17 Not interested.

8:18 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

8:19 Um I just want you to know that she's going through a tough time.

8:26 She's got cancer.

8:28 Okay.

8:29 Now I know.

8:30 Have a nice day.

8:32 Oh, come on, she's your mother.

8:35 Let me guess.

8:37 You're one of her little anonymous friends.

8:41 Yeah.

8:43 12 simple steps that let you off the hook for ruining everyone's life.

8:50 Well, there's more to it than that.

8:55 There's also coffee and cookies.

9:01 Look, uh Let me tell you something, Christie.

9:06 My mother was a drunk and a drug addict

9:09 who abandoned me more times than I can count.

9:11 So, you'll have to excuse me if I'm rooting for the cancer.

9:17 Wow.

9:19 That's a Mother's Day card you don't see.

9:24 Listen, Jerry, I understand how you feel.

9:27 I had the same kind of mom, but she's changed and I've changed.

9:33 I've changed more.

9:35 I'm actually a much better person than she is.

9:39 Well, uh thanks for sharing.

9:42 Are we done?

9:45 You just need to know that your mom is not like you remember.

9:49 She's a warm and loving woman who has helped a lot of people,

9:52 including me, and a bunch of cats, which you two seem to have in common.

10:01 Great.

10:03 Bye.

10:10 I thought that ending in a hug.

10:17 Good after.

10:21 THAT WAS MY ONLY BEER.

10:23 SORRY.

10:25 I got weed.

10:27 Forgiven.

10:30 Need any help?

10:32 You know how to patch a leaky roof?

10:33 No.

10:34 That makes two of us.

10:36 Here, let's just rip up shingles and if

10:38 we see the living room, we've gone too far.

10:44 I once patched a leak in a swimming pool.

10:46 Yeah, how'd that go?

10:48 Not good.

10:49 Apparently you got to take the water out first.

10:52 Hey, can I ask you a question?

10:54 The capital of Ethiopia is Addis Ababa.

10:58 What?

11:00 That's just something I like that I know.

11:02 No one ever asks.

11:05 Actually, I was going to ask about having a baby.

11:07 Oh.

11:08 Yeah, you don't want to have one of those until you're like 45,

11:11 50, and you can't have any more fun or your heart will explode.

11:16 No, dude, Violet's having my baby in a few months.

11:20 Oh.

11:22 Well, game over.

11:25 Starting to kick.

11:27 Oh, that's big.

11:28 Yeah, it's really happening.

11:31 I just don't know if I'm ready to be a dad.

11:34 Huh.

11:35 Been there.

11:36 Really?

11:37 Yeah, absolutely.

11:38 Believe it or not, I had grave doubts about my own parenting abilities.

11:43 I just don't want to turn into my father.

11:45 I mean, I love him, but you only

11:47 give him a world's greatest dad t-shirt ironically.

11:51 Yeah, I had a father like that.

11:54 Vice cop in Oakland.

11:56 I sure showed him.

12:00 Let me tell you something.

12:01 When the baby gets here, you'll know what to do.

12:04 I hope so.

12:06 I'll never forget driving home from the hospital after Roscoe was born.

12:09 I looked in the rearview mirror at him in his car seat,

12:11 and I just knew I could do it.

12:14 Cool.

12:16 Yeah.

12:18 Christie hadn't caught me banging her best friend, I'd still be doing it.

12:23 Don't worry, you'll be a great dad.

12:26 Thanks.

12:27 Sounds like you're a great dad, too.

12:30 I do my best.

12:32 Now, let's smoke that weed before I go crazy.

12:36 We need to talk.

12:38 Oh, damn.

12:41 I thought we had a plan.

12:43 You were going to apply to a local college,

12:45 get a part-time job, you know, get on with your life.

12:49 I'm going to.

12:50 When?

12:51 Back off.

12:52 Did you forget what I just went through?

12:54 And do you remember why?

12:56 You gave up the baby so you could make something of yourself.

12:59 I'm going to Maryland.

13:00 Violet, you're a smart girl.

13:02 You could do anything.

13:03 Yeah, except make you stop talking.

13:07 I swear to god, I am getting real tired of your attitude.

13:09 Seriously?

13:10 You're going to lecture me after you got us kicked out of our house?

13:13 Okay, I may have messed up, but I'm still trying.

13:16 I'm working my ass off so we can get back on our feet.

13:19 You just gave up.

13:20 Get out of my way.

13:22 Don't you Hey!

13:24 You You MESSING WITH THE WRONG BROAD.

13:28 HEY!

13:29 SHE'S ALL GROWN UP, OSCAR.

13:30 STAY THERE.

13:33 STOP, YOU'RE UPSETTING THE CATS.

13:39 WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

13:42 She wants me to have a great life.

13:44 How can I have any kind of a life when I deserted my baby?

13:47 I don't even know if she's okay.

13:51 Oh, honey.

13:56 I never would have tackled her if I knew.

14:01 I think about her all the time.

14:05 I know.

14:07 I know.

14:10 Hey.

14:12 Why don't we go see her?

14:14 Really?

14:15 The Taylors have offered an open adoption.

14:18 That means you can visit anytime you want.

14:22 You want me to call them?

14:26 Okay.

14:29 Come on.

14:29 You get washed and dressed.

14:32 Then we'll head right over there.

14:34 Okay.

14:35 Wait, Violet.

14:36 I'll get you some clean towels.

14:42 I'm still out here.

14:45 And this is little Gweneth's room.

14:48 Excuse the mess.

14:49 It's still a work in progress.

14:52 Wow.

14:53 When I was a baby, I slept in a shopping cart.

14:58 And here she is.

15:01 Aw.

15:06 She's beautiful.

15:09 She looks really happy.

15:12 Yeah.

15:13 I don't want to brag, but uh the doctor says she has perfect poos.

15:22 I didn't know.

15:24 Do you to hold her?

15:30 No, that's okay.

15:33 Can I?

15:34 Sure.

15:35 Hi, Gwyneth.

15:38 Oh, hey.

15:41 Aren't you a happy baby?

15:47 Thank you so much for letting us come visit on such short notice.

15:52 Anytime.

15:56 Um Sorry.

15:59 Here.

16:05 Hey.

16:07 What's going on?

16:08 Nothing.

16:08 She's great.

16:09 Everything's great.

16:12 And that's a good thing, right?

16:14 Yeah.

16:16 I just don't have any excuses now.

16:19 What are you talking about?

16:21 I gave her up so that she could have this great life.

16:24 And she does.

16:26 And so that I could have a great life, too.

16:28 And you can.

16:29 But what if I can't?

16:33 What if I fail?

16:35 I mean, at least if I kept her, I could have been

16:37 this miserable single mom like you and everyone would feel sorry for me.

16:45 But now I'm actually going to have to do something.

16:52 It's going to be okay.

16:54 You'll see.

16:58 Buckle up, Suzanne.

17:00 This is what you've got to look forward to.

17:05 Delivery.

17:08 Put it anywhere.

17:11 How was the movie?

17:12 We didn't go to a movie.

17:13 We went to a museum instead.

17:15 Really?

17:16 So you did something educational?

17:19 No, it was fun.

17:22 Yeah, did you guys eat dinner?

17:23 Yeah, my girlfriend packed us some veggie wraps,

17:26 so we stopped at Jack in the Box.

17:28 All right, fine.

17:30 Go do your homework and then get ready for bed.

17:33 See you next weekend, buddy?

17:34 Love you, Dad.

17:34 Love you, too.

17:37 Well, I am very impressed.

17:40 You're doing a great job with him.

17:42 Thank you.

17:43 And you really turned your life around.

17:46 Good job.

17:47 Solid relationship with Candace.

17:49 Yeah, I'm not cheating on her at all.

17:53 Boyfriend of the year.

17:56 I'm glad you feel that way because

17:58 I've been wanting to ask you something important.

18:01 Anything.

18:04 How would you feel about Roscoe coming to live with me and Candace for a while?

18:09 What?

18:09 You know, we got the big house, and it's right by his school.

18:13 He's got his own room.

18:14 We're even thinking about getting him a dog.

18:15 Are you out of your mind?

18:17 Come on, Christie.

18:18 He sleeps in the closet here.

18:19 IT'S A BONUS ROOM.

18:22 OKAY, CALM DOWN.

18:23 I DON'T want to fight.

18:24 No one's fighting.

18:26 I am calmly telling you that you are a loser, you'll always be a loser,

18:30 and you're not going to take my kid away from me.

18:32 Your kid?

18:34 WE MADE HIM TOGETHER.

18:35 I WAS IN THAT BATHROOM STALL, TOO.

18:38 FORGET IT.

18:39 IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

18:40 NOW, GET OUT.

18:41 ALL RIGHT, but I think you should know that Candace's brother is a lawyer,

18:46 and he says I have rights.

18:48 Really?

18:48 You want to bring a lawyer into this?

18:50 THEN YOU BETTER BRING A GUN, TOO.

18:53 I'M TELLING MY LAWYER YOU SAID THAT.

19:00 HEY.

19:02 HOW DID IT GO WITH DAD?

19:03 OH, we hate him now.

19:05 Do you?

19:05 Yep.

19:06 I'm going to need you to step up.

19:09 Well, you can join me in hating Baxter.

19:11 Dumb ass wants Roscoe to live with him.

19:14 You're kidding.

19:15 Completely forgetting that 3 months ago he was living

19:17 in his van smoking pot out of an apple.

19:20 Then giving Roscoe the apple.

19:23 Will you check my homework, Mom?

19:25 What?

19:25 Oh.

19:26 Yeah, sure.

19:28 Mhm, okay.

19:29 Train A leaves the station traveling at 30 mph and train B leaves You know what?

19:35 I have a better math problem for you.

19:37 This is the one the teacher's looking for, but okay.

19:42 Train A is leaving with your mommy.

19:44 Train B is leaving with your daddy.

19:47 Which train would you rather be on?

19:51 Where is Dad's train going?

19:52 Loserville.

19:54 Where is your train going?

19:55 Disneyland.

19:59 Seriously?

20:00 Stay out of it, Violet.

20:01 And my train stops for ice cream on the way.

20:05 Let me think.

20:06 What is there to think about?

20:07 I could be the king of Loserville.

20:11 Come on, make a decision.

20:13 Roscoe, leave your homework with me.

20:14 Mom's not getting it back.

20:21 You are scary.

20:23 No.

20:23 What's scary is the idea of Baxter trying to parent him.

20:26 That's not fair.

20:27 When you guys were together, Baxter was a pretty good dad.

20:29 Are you seriously defending him?

20:32 Do you believe this?

20:33 I'm just here as your mother.

20:34 I don't want to get involved.

20:37 Baxter did nothing but smoke pot, sit on the couch,

20:41 and yell the wrong answers at Jeopardy.

20:43 Never once in the form of a question.

20:46 While you got drunk and disappeared for days.

20:49 That's not true.

20:50 Remember Roscoe's first grade graduation?

20:53 Of course you don't.

20:54 You were too hungover to get out of bed.

20:56 But Baxter was there.

20:57 Really?

20:58 Well, he went to the third grade graduation first,

21:00 but eventually he found the right room.

21:03 Fine.

21:04 He showed up to one event.

21:05 Hooray for Baxter.

21:07 LET'S PUT HIM ON A STAMP.

21:08 YOU MAY not want to remember what went on around here, but I do.

21:18 Don't worry.

21:19 She's smoking pot now, so her memories will fade.

21:25 Are you sure you know what you're doing?

21:27 Yeah.

21:30 Okay.

21:32 Here he is.

21:36 James Sutcliffe.

21:39 I thought his name was Butch.

21:41 Butch was his nickname.

21:43 Oh.

21:45 Do you know how he died?

21:46 Car accident.

21:49 Anyway, I know this isn't how you wanted to meet him, but here's your dad.

21:56 Why couldn't you have been a cool guy?

21:59 He was cool.

22:01 He was so cool I couldn't even believe he wanted to go out with me.

22:05 What happened?

22:07 First few months were fun.

22:09 Then one night we were doing tequila shots with his friends.

22:14 He came in and said, "Kirk Cobain just died." And I said, "No, genius.

22:18 It's Kurt with a T." And everyone laughed.

22:22 It's no big deal.

22:24 Then everyone cried because, you know, Kirk Cobain died.

22:30 Then we get in the car to go home,

22:32 and he starts yelling at me for embarrassing him.

22:34 His reaction was so crazy I thought he was kidding.

22:37 So, I laughed.

22:42 He slapped me so hard I heard a ringing in my ears.

22:47 That was the beginning.

22:52 I packed my bags so many times.

22:55 But he always said that he loved me and it would never happen again.

23:01 Until it did.

23:04 After a while, I just started feeling like I deserved it.

23:10 Anyway.

23:14 That's my side.

23:23 I'll be in the car.

23:29 So, who the hell is James Sutcliffe?

23:39 No idea.

23:42 But I'd rather Violet think Butch is dead than ever go looking for that monster.

23:47 I get it.

23:49 Sorry I called you a bad liar.

23:51 You're a great liar.

23:53 Thanks, coach.

23:55 Means a lot coming from you.

23:58 I'm also sorry I wasn't there for you.

24:03 You're here now.

24:08 Ugh.

24:08 Sorry for dragging you into this, James Sutcliffe.

24:13 You were a very nice man.

24:14 She's looking.

24:15 She's looking.

24:16 I hope you rot in hell, YOU MISERABLE BASTARD.

24:25 WHY'D YOU SPIT ON MY HUSBAND'S GRAVE?

24:29 OH.

24:31 I think you know.

24:37 He certainly has a lovely condo.

24:40 Yeah.

24:41 Shame we'll never see it again.

24:44 Is there any chance you and I can clean the slate and start over?

24:51 I'd like that.

24:52 Yeah.

24:53 Good.

24:54 Me, too.

24:55 How's this going to work?

24:58 Well, uh first I'd say we stop beating each other up for what's in the past.

25:03 Mhm.

25:05 That's a tough one.

25:06 I really enjoy that.

25:10 I know.

25:11 What are we going to talk about?

25:12 It's me.

25:14 No, that Shabbat dinner was kind of weird.

25:18 Not Shabbat, Shabbat.

25:21 I'm pretty sure it's Shabbat.

25:25 Well, whatever you call it,

25:27 the carrots were the only thing on my plate that I recognized.

25:33 See, we don't have to pick on each other.

25:35 We can pick on other people.

25:37 We sure can.

25:40 I think we should circle back to Violet and Gregory's and apologize.

25:45 I don't know.

25:46 I think we should give them both a little time to stop crying.

25:51 What do you say we stop by Marjorie's

25:53 and apologize for ruining the celebration last night?

25:55 Yeah, definitely.

25:57 Love you, Mom.

25:59 Love you, daughter.

26:03 What?

26:04 I can't think of anything to say to you that's not mean.

26:11 I'm really proud of us for making this apology to Marjorie.

26:14 Smart, too.

26:15 We might have to borrow money from her someday.

26:36 How could they throw a party without us?

26:38 Maybe it was a last-minute thing.

26:41 What kind of a last-minute thing has a chocolate fountain?

26:52 My heart is literally breaking.

26:53 Mine, too.

26:55 I guess we brought this on ourselves, huh?

26:58 I haven't been much fun to be around.

27:00 It's not you, it's me.

27:02 No, it's me.

27:03 Okay.

27:06 I'm the one who fell off the wagon was too frightened to ask for help.

27:09 I'm the one who lied to everybody.

27:11 I'm the one who got the DUI and blamed everybody but myself.

27:15 Big Pharma didn't do this.

27:17 Big Bonnie did.

27:20 Glad to hear you say that.

27:22 Don't give up on me, Christy.

27:23 I am going to be the kind of mother you deserve.

27:27 I would never give up on you.

27:29 Baby.

27:31 I love you.

27:34 Love you, TOO.

27:38 WHAT DID YOU DO?

27:40 YOU HUGGED ME.

27:41 WELL, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK at the road.

27:43 You could have waited TILL A RED LIGHT.

27:45 OH, SO THIS IS MY FAULT?

27:46 Of course IT'S YOUR FAULT.

27:50 GREAT PARTY, MARJORIE.

27:52 AW, wasn't it?

27:53 Thanks so much for going all this trouble.

27:55 No trouble.

27:56 Yeah, we were happy to do it for you.

27:58 Kind of surprised Christy and Bonnie didn't come.

28:01 Me, too.

28:02 You invited them, right?

28:03 Wendy was supposed to call them.

28:05 No, you told me to call everybody

28:06 at the Tuesday night meeting and don't forget the nuts.

28:09 The nuts were Bonnie and Christy.

28:13 Hope you're happy.

28:14 Don't start with me.

28:15 How am I supposed to get to work?

28:17 Take Roscoe to school.

28:18 Use my car.

28:19 Your car is in an impound lot.

28:21 So, we'll go get it.

28:22 With what money?

28:23 Fine, I'll make some money.

28:25 Anybody here want to have sex with me and my daughter?

28:34 I was joking.

28:38 Real funny.

28:44 Do you have any idea you know we are?

28:46 Nope.

28:46 Well, maybe we should call someone to come get us.

28:49 Who are we going to call, Mom?

28:51 WHO?

28:52 WHO?

28:56 TRUCE?

28:57 NEVER.

28:59 You and I are at war until the end of time.

29:06 Come on.

29:09 Yeah, fine.

29:10 Truce.

29:18 It's what I do.

29:24 5 minutes and then we're out of here.

29:26 I'm really proud of you.

29:27 Hey, if I were dying, I know you'd want to see me.

29:30 Wouldn't miss it for the world.

29:33 Hello, Kristy.

29:36 Hi.

29:39 Well, well, well.

29:43 Finally decided to crawl out from under your rock, huh?

29:46 Mom, Mom.

29:46 No, you brought me here.

29:47 I'm doing this.

29:50 You're a real piece of work wanting my forgiveness.

29:53 Mom, I don't know what you're dying of, but I hope it's slow and painful.

29:59 She's not your mother.

30:02 You have a super day.

30:08 Kristy.

30:10 Oh, good.

30:12 This is your mother.

30:14 Hello, Bonnie.

30:23 Probably be more comfortable if we sat down.

30:29 I'll go first.

30:37 Okay.

30:46 Well, I was wrong about it being more comfortable.

30:52 Thank you so much for being willing to see me.

30:54 I'm only here cuz you're about to die.

30:57 What do you got, anyway?

30:59 It's my heart.

31:01 Something hereditary we need to worry about?

31:03 No, it just years of hard living finally caught up with me.

31:10 Maybe we should worry a little.

31:16 Honey, I I I knew what I was going to say to you when I saw you,

31:20 but now I I don't know where to start.

31:26 Just tell her what you told me.

31:31 Bonnie, giving you up was the hardest thing

31:34 in the worst mistake I ever made in my whole life.

31:38 But, I want you to know that I thought of you every single day.

31:42 Yeah, terrific.

31:43 Why didn't you come back?

31:44 You said you were going to come back.

31:45 I wanted to.

31:46 I tried.

31:47 me bouncing around foster homes.

31:49 I was trying to make money, trying to get on my feet.

31:52 Yeah, so?

31:53 It got complicated.

31:55 What the hell does that mean?

31:56 Look, I got I was a cocktail waitress in Tahoe.

32:02 And I met this guy.

32:05 And I moved in with him.

32:08 And?

32:10 And?

32:12 Tell me.

32:15 He said he didn't want any kids around.

32:21 I'm sorry.

32:23 I didn't know this part.

32:25 So, you picked your happiness over mine.

32:28 I was young.

32:28 I was scared.

32:31 What can I say?

32:32 I screwed up.

32:33 No, I screwed up with her.

32:35 What you did to me is unforgivable.

32:39 I know.

32:47 On the bright side, she's dying.

32:51 Also, don't forget we've got Roscoe's parent-teacher conference tomorrow.

32:55 Don't forget?

32:56 You're telling me not to forget?

32:58 You, who used to live in a van?

33:00 You, who was arrested in a Walmart for not wearing pants?

33:03 Not fair.

33:04 I was there to buy pants.

33:05 I am the responsible one.

33:07 So, don't call me and tell me not to forget.

33:13 You forgot.

33:14 Totally forgot.

33:16 Mother of the year.

33:18 Billy, you want to play this game?

33:21 I do not.

33:26 Ugh, where the hell is this spray?

33:28 Christie, over here.

33:32 Hey Christie.

33:33 Candace.

33:34 I can't believe that you brought a date to our son's parent-teacher conference.

33:39 Candace thought she could provide

33:40 some insight into Roscoe's academic development.

33:44 We both thought that.

33:45 We both thought that.

33:48 Hi, you must be Roscoe's parents.

33:51 Two of us are.

33:53 Candace, hi.

33:54 Did you get my email about making costumes for the musical?

33:56 Three frogs and a prince.

33:57 I'm sewing away like a Cambodian sweatshop.

34:02 Candace is the room mom.

34:04 Well, I'm the mom mom.

34:06 No one's arguing that.

34:07 Mom mom beats room mom.

34:09 Ask anybody.

34:11 Okay, so before we get started, I just have to ask,

34:15 um, has there been a change in Roscoe's living situation recently?

34:19 Yeah, he's been staying with us more.

34:21 If Roscoe's schoolwork is suffering,

34:24 we can certainly go back to the original arrangement.

34:26 Oh, no, on the contrary, he is doing terrific.

34:32 I'm sorry, what?

34:33 Yeah, in all of his subjects, math, science, he's reading above grade level.

34:37 Ooh.

34:38 I do vocabulary flash cards with him, so.

34:41 She does them with me, too, and I have made significant proclivity.

34:46 Well, whatever the situation is, the change in Roscoe has been remarkable.

34:50 Really?

34:52 Well, that's great news.

34:54 Isn't it?

34:55 And you were so right about limiting his TV time

34:57 and making sure that he has a balanced and nutritious diet.

35:00 Yeah, you know, well, I say that to all the parents and so few listen.

35:05 Just so we're clear, I am the parent.

35:07 I may not listen, but I am the parent.

35:11 It's okay, Christie.

35:13 We all know you're doing the best that you can.

35:16 Do not do the pity voice with me.

35:20 Oh, dear, now you're upset.

35:24 I am not upset, you big red turd.

35:37 Baxter?

35:38 Say something.

35:39 Yes, Baxter, say something.

35:43 Mrs.

35:43 Liebowitz, may I use the bathroom?

35:49 Baxter?

35:51 Moment?

35:52 Uh, okay.

35:54 Meet you at the car?

35:56 No problem.

35:58 Be a man for once.

36:04 What's up?

36:07 Knock it off.

36:08 Your balls just went to the car.

36:11 Your girlfriend needs to know her place.

36:14 I don't see what the problem is.

36:15 You heard the teacher.

36:16 Because of Candace, our son is doing great.

36:18 Sure, now, but what happens when you dump her for some other bimbo?

36:22 Are you calling Candace a bimbo?

36:24 She went to Stanford.

36:25 I'm like the third GUY SHE'S EVER SLEPT WITH.

36:27 She told you you were the third guy, please.

36:30 Multiply that by nine and double it if she was in a sorority.

36:35 I'm too upset for arithmetic.

36:38 Baxter, don't you see what's happening?

36:41 This woman is inserting herself into Roscoe's life, planning it being his mom,

36:45 and we both know how this is going to end.

36:47 No, you don't see what's happening.

36:50 This isn't going to end.

36:51 I love Candace and I'm going to marry her.

36:55 Seriously?

36:57 I bought the ring.

36:59 I'm going to propose Sunday at the champagne brunch,

37:01 slip the chef a few bucks and have him cook it into her omelet.

37:06 Very romantic.

37:08 Hope she doesn't choke on it.

37:11 I know, right?

37:16 Are you sure about this?

37:17 Yeah.

37:19 I thought maybe you'd be happy for me.

37:22 I really want to be.

37:25 But Candace is such a sneaky, pushy, manipulative woman.

37:30 What can I tell you?

37:32 I have a type.

37:37 Did you get all my stuff?

37:38 It's on the sofa.

37:39 And in the fridge.

37:42 You didn't have any to eat, Gregory, did you?

37:44 No, but we ran into his mother.

37:47 Really?

37:49 What she say?

37:50 Well, she kind of had a different take on things.

37:53 What does that mean?

37:58 She said the reason you and Gregory broke

38:00 up was because you've been partying a lot.

38:04 And you believed her?

38:06 No, but I think it's worth having a conversation.

38:09 Why don't you ever take my side?

38:10 You always think the worst.

38:12 Well, then tell me otherwise.

38:13 Tell me you're not getting loaded.

38:15 have to.

38:15 I think you should just trust me.

38:17 I do.

38:17 It's just I am in college, Mom.

38:20 I go out with my friends.

38:21 We have drinks.

38:23 Occasionally, we'll smoke a little bit of pot.

38:25 We are not all drunks and drug addicts like you two.

38:29 Hey, I ONLY DID DRUGS TO MANAGE MY ALCOHOLISM.

38:37 SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

38:38 I don't know.

38:39 I want to believe her.

38:39 But, do you?

38:40 Do you?

38:41 you first.

38:43 I'm going to be honest.

38:44 I'm worried.

38:46 Think we should ask her to go to an AA meeting with us?

38:48 Be kind of cool.

38:49 We'd have our own row.

38:51 Yeah, nothing cooler than that.

38:56 Really?

38:56 Curlers?

38:59 Forgive me.

38:59 I didn't know I'd be entertaining.

39:02 Where's Violet?

39:04 Last I looked, she was puking in the toilet I cleaned just this afternoon.

39:08 I got this.

39:11 I'd offer you something to eat, but there's nothing in my refrigerator.

39:18 Oh, yeah.

39:19 Sorry about that.

39:20 Where's Gregory?

39:22 Well, he was pretty upset about the relationship falling apart.

39:25 So, he and a couple of friends went to Mexico to catch fish and maybe chlamydia.

39:31 Did Violet happen to mention why she showed up here in the middle of the night?

39:35 Between the booze and the crying, she wasn't making a lot of sense,

39:38 but I think she's still in love.

39:42 Oh.

39:43 Poor baby.

39:44 Yeah.

39:46 It's very sad.

39:49 You know, some very fashionable women still use curlers.

40:01 Very colorful.

40:02 What is that?

40:02 Jello shots?

40:06 See, your old grandma knows what the kids are drinking.

40:10 Are you going to tell me I'm an alcoholic?

40:12 Nope.

40:13 That's up to you to decide.

40:15 I will tell you you have vomit in your hair,

40:17 so you can draw your own conclusions.

40:20 I just miss Gregory.

40:22 I get it.

40:23 We're having pork ribs for breakfast because I miss Adam.

40:26 Ribs?

40:29 That's okay, more for me.

40:33 I always thought if I got her through her teen years it would get easy.

40:36 You know when it gets easy being a mother?

40:38 When you're dead.

40:42 And even then you might worry a little.

40:50 I owe you an apology.

40:53 I know that Gregory wasn't cheating on Violet.

40:56 You don't have to apologize.

40:59 We all want to believe our own child.

41:03 I just can't help feeling like it's my fault.

41:07 I drank and now Violet drinks.

41:11 Do you blame your mother cuz you drank?

41:15 I used to.

41:18 Not anymore.

41:20 Then why don't you give yourself a break with Violet?

41:26 Yeah, maybe.

41:29 Besides, if it's always the parent's fault then I have

41:32 to be responsible every time my son behaves like a pompous schmuck.

41:38 A pompous schmuck?

41:39 I say it with love.

41:44 Well, I always liked Gregory.

41:46 I mean, I had my doubts about the relationship,

41:49 but I liked it that Violet had someone to take care of her.

41:55 She still has someone to take care of her.

41:59 Oy.

42:01 Oy, indeed.

42:05 I think she's happy.

42:08 Let's get you home.

42:12 Thank you, Phyllis.

42:13 Yeah, I'd say anytime except I think once is enough.

42:19 You know, even though the wedding's off, doesn't mean we can't be friends.

42:25 Wow, you really need a mom, don't you?

42:28 So bad.

42:30 Hey, I'm standing right here.

42:34 Call me.