Most Hilarious Moments in Season 2: Part 2 | 2 Broke Girls

0:00 Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.

0:01 It just went out of my head.

0:03 I feel bad.

0:04 And I feel sick.

0:05 Can you stop swinging the bed?

0:07 Sorry, I'm nervous.

0:09 Yeah, you're nervous a lot, which is why our other bed isn't moving at all.

0:13 No, no, no, no, don't go.

0:14 COME BACK.

0:14 COME BACK TO THE SEX BED.

0:16 Let's get some sex going.

0:17 Come on.

0:18 We can get this bed moving now.

0:20 See?

0:21 See?

0:22 HI.

0:24 OH, HI.

0:25 OH, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

0:27 IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

0:28 It's tomorrow.

0:30 Okay.

0:31 Okay, I can do better.

0:32 See?

0:33 Here we go.

0:34 NOW, HERE we go.

0:36 Want to SEE ME TWERK?

0:44 IF I HAD ANY FOOD, I WOULD THROW UP.

0:46 OKAY.

0:47 YEAH, have a seat.

0:48 Let's have some bread.

0:51 Has it really been that long since we had sex?

0:54 Sweetie, after that dance, it's hard to believe you've ever had sex.

1:00 Hasn't been that long.

1:01 The shop opened on the 12th, so it's What?

1:06 Yeah, it's just interesting you had no problem remembering that date.

1:10 Let me ask you a question.

1:12 Where do you think you're going?

1:13 What do you mean?

1:14 I'm here.

1:16 No.

1:16 Where do you think you're going?

1:17 Like, where do you see your life in a year?

1:20 Well, pretty soon Max and I will be out

1:21 of this rough patch and full force with the business,

1:23 doing weddings and big events,

1:25 and then Max and I will probably open another store, get a bigger apartment.

1:29 Okay, and am I in there somewhere?

1:32 Oh, come on.

1:32 I was getting to you.

1:34 Were you?

1:35 When?

1:36 When were you getting to me?

1:37 After your business is a success?

1:40 No, now.

1:41 Come on.

1:42 Sex time in THE SEX BED.

1:48 WANT TO DO IT ON THE FLOOR?

1:52 MAX, WHY ARE YOU ONLY WEARING ONE EARRING?

1:54 WHAT ARE YOU talking about?

1:54 I'm wearing two.

1:56 That's weird.

1:58 Where is it?

1:59 Is it in my hair?

2:00 No, no.

2:01 Did it fall down?

2:02 Yeah, check your boobs.

2:03 That's where you found the remote.

2:06 IT'S NOT IT'S NOT ANYWHERE ON ME.

2:08 WELL, when's the last time you saw it?

2:10 I don't know, but it couldn't have gone far.

2:11 I was in this area pretty much the whole night.

2:14 You mean over the batter?

2:24 It's not here.

2:25 Which means it's in one of those already baked cupcakes.

2:28 Let's go.

2:29 We have to start pulling these apart.

2:31 REALLY?

2:31 COME ON.

2:32 Don't be ridiculous.

2:33 Look, worst case scenario, one of the thousand cupcakes has an earring in it.

2:37 Well, tell them it's a surprise.

2:40 No, the worst case scenario is someone bites into it,

2:42 rips their lip open, and sues us.

2:45 Let them sue us.

2:46 We don't have any money.

2:47 And that's why we'll go to jail.

2:49 Yep, I'll be locked up raw and forced to be someone's girlfriend.

2:52 I mean, I'm a bad girlfriend out of prison.

2:53 It's not going to be any easier with

2:55 Big Joan, calm down.

2:57 If we go to prison, I'll be your girlfriend.

2:59 Until someone hotter comes along, cuz that's where it goes in prison.

3:03 Start looking.

3:04 I am not going to smash 900 cupcakes.

3:07 Then we'll just have to start over.

3:09 Oh, no.

3:10 I would rather hitch a ride west and become a sister wife.

3:16 This is crazy.

3:17 Can't I just text them and tell them we can't do the job?

3:20 No, you can't text them.

3:21 We need the money.

3:23 And stop with all the texting.

3:24 Maybe if you were thinking less about texting with my ex-boyfriend,

3:27 you wouldn't have lost your earring in the first place.

3:30 You should have just said it.

3:31 You have a problem with me texting ANDY?

3:34 I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

3:36 OH, GOOD.

3:36 Cuz he's my friend, too.

3:39 But you think your loyalty to your best friend and business

3:41 partner would be more important than some STUPID ANIMAL FRIENDSHIP.

3:45 I MEAN, I'M surprised I even have to tell you that, Max.

3:48 It's kind of girl code.

3:50 Oh, I am a way too tired to girl code.

3:53 Shut it down.

3:57 Girl code, Max.

3:59 Girl code.

4:01 Shut up, CAROLINE.

4:03 SHUT UP.

4:07 I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO DIGNIFY that with a response.

4:09 Yeah, that was the goal,[ __] I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

4:13 I HAVE TO FIND AN EARRING THAT YOU LOST IN ONE OF THESE THOUSAND

4:16 CUPCAKES,[ __] THE THOUSAND CUPCAKES THAT YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT.

4:23 AND THE GIRL CODE MEANS THAT WHEN A GIRL BREAKS UP WITH SOMEONE,

4:27 YOU DON'T INTERFERE WITH HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE SHE NEEDS SOME DISTANCE.

4:31 WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT WHEN I ASKED YOU 12 HOURS AGO?

4:37 TRASH.

4:38 HEY, MAX.

4:39 I GOT YOUR TEXT.

4:40 I'm here to help.

4:45 Um that was a pre-girl code text.

4:47 I thought we maybe needed a backup after Earl passed out and I made Han cry.

4:53 And Andy just know that even though it didn't work out I do glove you.

5:01 I glove you, too.

5:04 Now, get the cupcakes out before they burn.

5:05 I don't have the energy to do this all again.

5:07 Ah, there's the girl I broke up with.

5:11 Everything's ready to go out there.

5:12 I've had my hands in more boxes tonight than a gynecologist at A FREE CLINIC.

5:22 IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.

5:23 STAY UP ANOTHER 27 hours, it'll be the funniest damn thing you ever heard.

5:30 Well, that's the end of it.

5:32 Yeah, I think it is.

5:34 Max, I'm talking about more than the cupcakes.

5:36 Yeah, I could tell by your Bradley Cooper tone.

5:39 So, what?

5:39 It's not going to work out between you two?

5:42 No, and I think we have to break up.

5:44 Thought you already broke up.

5:45 No, I'm talking about you and me.

5:47 You're dumping me?

5:49 Wow, last guy who dumped me I burned down his house and moved.

5:53 Still want to continue this conversation?

5:55 Max, it wouldn't work.

5:56 I would always be asking you about Caroline.

5:58 Look, I get it.

5:59 It's weird.

6:00 People don't usually stay friends with their friends' ex,

6:02 but then cats don't usually become friends with dolphins.

6:06 But sometimes, for no apparent reason, it happens.

6:10 Yeah, I just wish I was as grown-up as a cat or a dolphin.

6:14 I hear you.

6:15 So, what's next?

6:16 Breakup text?

6:17 Nah, that's just going to lead to makeup

6:19 text and then we're back in a vicious cycle.

6:22 All right, I'll just stop by your place, pick up my CDs,

6:24 my T-shirts, and the three grand I left there.

6:27 Max, you've never been to my place.

6:28 See, this is why I'm breaking up with you.

6:30 You're a liar.

6:32 I'll see you in small claims court, bub.

6:34 Do you want to know your future or not?

6:37 Um, you already told me my future.

6:38 That's why we're here.

6:39 You said I'd never find love.

6:41 When did I say that?

6:43 And you, tough guy, don't say you're the psychic.

6:47 Maybe she is a psychic because I am a tough guy and I was going to say that.

6:52 You know, it's hard to remember.

6:53 I see a lot of sad single girls.

6:56 But looking at you right now, it makes sense.

6:59 And here, take your phony crystal back.

7:02 And I'm not so sure this is a real crystal.

7:04 It looks like one of those vegan deodorant things.

7:08 And we want our money.

7:12 Oh, okay.

7:14 What just happened?

7:16 I put a curse on you.

7:19 Max, you said nothing bad was going to happen.

7:21 Well, I'm not a psychic and neither is she.

7:26 Laugh, buster.

7:27 Nothing in life will go your way and you will live under a dark cloud.

7:32 Will this dark cloud merge with the current

7:35 dark cloud above me or fly alongside of it?

7:39 Look, we don't want to trouble you,

7:41 but if you could remove the curse and possibly that noodle on your blouse.

7:50 Oh, no.

7:50 Did you just

7:51 Cursed you, too.

7:53 Tell you what, I'll lift both curses for 50,

7:57 or else your whole life will come crashing down all around you.

8:01 The only way I'm giving a strange woman 50 bucks

8:05 is if I'm walking out of here with a genital piercing.

8:10 I do THAT AS WELL.

8:16 DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES, NEVER HAVE.

8:18 Not since Jennifer Martin told me I was going

8:20 to hell for sleeping with her boyfriend, but I didn't.

8:22 I just ended up going to homecoming with him.

8:25 Max, we have to go back and pay her.

8:26 Our lives are hard enough.

8:27 We don't need things to come crashing down around us.

8:30 Relax, nothing's coming crashing down around us.

8:33 Don't jump, Paul!

8:35 Paul, don't jump!

8:37 Huh?

8:37 Who's Paul?

8:41 Oh.

8:39 And what is he doing ON THE ROOF?

8:46 OKAY.

8:45 THAT WAS Paul's life that came crashing down, not ours.

8:50 Caroline, I feel bad about not signing your letter of recommendation,

8:54 so I wrote one myself and signed it.

8:57 Here.

8:58 That's so nice of you.

9:00 The extremely hardworking Caroline Channing,

9:03 who has devoted her life to business and nothing and no one else.

9:08 Han, this is supposed to be about getting a loan, not being alone.

9:12 I totally get it, girls.

9:13 I'm alone as well.

9:14 We have our eyes on the prize,

9:16 so our beds are empty, but occasionally, I pay for it.

9:26 Did Han just intimate that he occasionally gets a hooker?

9:32 Lucky bastard.

9:35 He probably gets A CHILD'S DISCOUNT.

9:41 MAX, LOOK.

9:42 THE FUTURE'S already happening.

9:43 Even in Han's letter, I'm alone.

9:45 The only chance for a love life I have

9:47 now is going halvesies on a hooker with Han.

9:49 We have to reverse the curse now.

9:52 Newsflash, everybody's cursed.

9:55 You lost your money last year.

9:57 Literally nothing good has ever happened to me.

10:01 Han hasn't grown since the fourth grade.

10:05 Oleg's toenails look like Fritos.

10:08 And Earl was born black at the eighth or ninth

10:11 worst time to be a black man in America.

10:15 Look around.

10:15 It's the valley of the damned.

10:18 Name one person who isn't cursed.

10:21 Hey guys.

10:22 I JUST FOUND A $100 BILL ON THE SIDEWALK.

10:25 DRINKS FOR EVERYONE.

10:27 MAX, pop open the fancy brandy.

10:30 Fancy brandy's going to be my stripper name if you ever let me put in that pole.

10:35 Sophie, guess what?

10:36 We went back to that psychic to complain and she put a curse on us.

10:43 Oh.

10:42 You're cursed?

10:54 But it's stupid, like you said, right?

10:58 Yeah, yeah.

10:59 That's stupid.

11:01 Yeah.

11:03 Did she MENTION ME?

11:08 NO.

11:08 SHE JUST cursed us and said our whole lives would come crashing DOWN AROUND US.

11:20 GOOD MORNING, MADAM, AND WELCOME ABOARD.

11:22 It's a lovely day for a flight, yes?

11:25 I'm on yes, and if there is anything that you need at all,

11:27 you can just let me know, hm?

11:30 Cool, cool.

11:34 Please don't lag behind.

11:36 I just got French-bombed and I have no idea what she said,

11:39 but I think we should sit here.

11:41 Oh my god, I can't believe I'm back on a private plane.

11:45 Max, thank you so much for having sex with that stranger.

11:49 Oh, my pleasure.

11:51 Literally.

11:54 Welcome aboard.

11:55 I am Anne Yes, I can take those for you.

11:57 Do you have luggage?

11:59 Oh, yes.

12:01 Merci beaucoup.

12:01 And yes, je m'appelle Caroline and elle s'appelle Max.

12:04 Oh, vous êtes très jolie.

12:06 Thank you.

12:07 I'm not Angelina Jolie.

12:09 I get that a lot.

12:11 You speak French very well.

12:13 Bravo.

12:20 Oh, je ne sais pas si je parle aussi bien que votre sœur,

12:24 mais je parle mieux que la majorité des

12:27 Américains qui pensent que le français est très facile.

12:36 That's all I heard.

12:37 And every time you ice me out with her, that's what's coming your way.

12:42 Okay, so how does this work?

12:43 Do we need tickets?

12:44 Where do I sit because I don't want

12:45 to embarrass myself in front of French Stewart.

12:47 Max, there are no seat assignments.

12:49 You can sit anywhere.

12:50 Oh, cool.

12:50 Like AA.

12:53 I love a G5.

12:55 This reminds me so much of the plane we used to have.

12:58 Wait.

12:59 Max, this plane looks very familiar.

13:02 Max, this was my plane.

13:04 Well, it's my plane now.

13:06 Wait, if this was my plane Which it isn't.

13:08 there'd be something I hid down here for an emergency.

13:11 Money, gold, kettle corn?

13:13 Yep, my Chanel lip gloss.

13:15 Abracadabra.

13:17 You're a billionaire and for an emergency you hid lip gloss?

13:20 Just in case something went wrong, I wanted to look good if I was going down.

13:24 You know they don't care what you look like as long as you go down.

13:27 What the hell is wrong with me?

13:29 I'm glossing like a rich gal.

13:30 This has got to last me 2 years.

13:33 Would you like a towel, eh?

13:35 How much?

13:36 Max, they're free.

13:38 Oh, like the donuts at AA.

13:40 Jeez, that's hot.

13:41 You should warn a[ __] So sorry, it's her first time on a plane.

13:58 Every time.

14:00 We only are waiting for one more passenger and then we'd be departing.

14:03 Champagne?

14:05 Merci beaucoup.

14:07 Ooh, the last time I had champagne was

14:09 at a Filipino wedding I crashed at a DoubleTree.

14:12 I'm putting this flyer up in the window.

14:15 Oh.

14:16 Look, there's a street performer trying to get

14:18 people to dance with his marionette outside our shop.

14:21 Uh-oh, not cool.

14:23 No hipster wants to krump with a puppet.

14:27 See, he just chased them away.

14:28 We'll just ask him to move, but we have to be nice.

14:31 Nice?

14:32 Nice.

14:33 Oh yeah, that's the thing you lied to the welfare

14:34 lady while your mom's in the bedroom hiding THE NEW TV.

14:44 HI, HOW ARE YOU?

14:45 WE own this cupcake shop Not while he's dancing.

14:56 Well, I'm sorry.

14:56 Would you like me to wait?

15:01 Oh, this dude is a serial killer.

15:36 Oh, uh do do you want me to Yep.

15:46 Total serial killer.

15:49 Just a matter of time till we're hung on strings in his basement.

15:57 And I probably just got puppet herpes.

16:01 Well, I hope you enjoyed your kiss with charming Pierre.

16:06 Now, if you wouldn't mind

16:09 Oh, PIERRE'S A PROSTITUTE?

16:16 IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD FOR HIM TO DO IT OUT IN THE OPEN,

16:17 but if you can't afford a car, you can't afford a car.

16:21 Oh, you're one of those, a woman without wonder.

16:26 Not true.

16:27 In fact, I'm wondering how you managed to pay rent.

16:31 Okay, could you two just move along?

16:32 I have another show in 5 minutes.

16:35 That was a show?

16:36 Look, you can't do your little skits here.

16:39 She doesn't mean to be negative.

16:41 She's right.

16:41 I was planning to be all positive till your doll raped her leg.

16:46 Pierre is not a doll, okay?

16:48 He is a marionette, hand carved by me, and I don't do skits.

16:54 I received a national endowment for my work.

16:58 What?

16:58 The government pays for stuff like this, and I can't get my back tooth fixed?

17:04 Well, I for one really appreciate the art of puppetry.

17:07 I can tell you do.

17:10 So can Pierre.

17:12 You know, he doesn't just approach anybody.

17:15 I'm Caroline.

17:16 This is Max, and you are?

17:18 My stage name is Jay Petto.

17:22 Oh, so cute.

17:23 Japetto, like Pinocchio's father.

17:25 No, it's Jay, period, Petto.

17:29 Disney owns the rights to the name Japetto.

17:31 So, once again, the poor starving ARTIST GETS SCREWED.

17:38 SO SAD.

17:39 Can you move?

17:41 This is our cupcake shop and you're blocking the entrance.

17:44 Uh this is a public space and I know my rights.

17:50 Showtime.

17:55 I was trying to be nice,

17:56 but you ARE THE RUDEST PUPPETEER I'VE ever met and I'm including

17:59 Sherry Lewis who told MY FATHER TO SHOVE IT ON MY FIFTH BIRTHDAY.

18:02 LET'S GO, MAX.

18:06 HEY.

18:07 Doll man.

18:09 You don't want to mess with us.

18:11 I make one call to the cops,

18:13 they do a background check and I'm pretty

18:14 sure you'd go from Jay Petto to Jay Pedophile.

18:22 Miss, I dropped my David Hasselhoff.

18:24 Well, it's not the first time he's been on the floor.

18:27 Hey, you can't talk to me like that.

18:29 I studied puppetry in Paris at THE PALAIS ROYALE.

18:35 OH MY GOD, HE SLIPPED ON DAVID HASSELHOFF.

18:38 Are you okay?

18:39 Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

18:40 I'm fine.

18:41 I'm just a a little embarrassed.

18:44 No.

18:45 No.

18:46 I LANDED ON PIERRE.

18:48 PIERRE?

18:50 HERE, HAVE A SEAT.

18:51 WOULD EITHER of you like a coffee or a free cupcake?

18:55 No, I'm I'm I'm I'm just going to pack up and and and go.

18:57 Thank you.

18:58 Come back anytime for a free cupcake, but no need to bring your dolls.

19:03 They're not dolls.

19:05 I'M A MAN.

19:12 I APPRECIATE HOW HARD YOU'VE tried to stay in business,

19:15 but do the smart thing, take the money, start fresh.

19:18 All you have to do is sign this.

19:21 Well, we will have to discuss it.

19:23 My partner has a belief Just sign it.

19:24 Good discussion.

19:29 Caroline Channing Max, a little help?

19:34 Ing.

19:37 So, as of this moment, this space is no longer Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

19:41 Congratulations and good luck.

19:48 Well, there goes Joanne and that deaf lady.

19:53 We are keeping the arrow.

19:56 I can't believe my aunt would stop payment on that check.

20:00 And I can't believe she'd show up here after she did.

20:06 Aunt Charity, do you know what I'm thinking about you right now?

20:09 What, I look 38 or 39?

20:11 It's hard to tell.

20:14 Oh, don't look so wounded.

20:15 You know I had to stop that check.

20:17 You took advantage of someone in a morphine haze.

20:19 If you think that was being taken advantage

20:21 of, you've never blacked out at a pep rally.

20:24 Yes, I stopped that check, but here.

20:27 This seems important to you.

20:31 Seemed.

20:30 Seemed when I was rich.

20:32 Now I have real problems.

20:34 Yeah, and where THEM LOLLIPOPS AT?

20:38 YOU TOOK AWAY MY future and my lollipops.

20:42 No, Caroline, I took away my money.

20:44 By forcing you to find your own way, I may have given you a better future.

20:49 Huge shop.

20:50 Too big, too soon.

20:51 You'll figure it out.

20:55 Aunt Charity, you look 42.

21:01 We all KNOW I DON'T.

21:08 SHOP'S OVER.

21:10 WOW, I THOUGHT FOR sure we'd be a success.

21:13 Well, it says we're not.

21:15 I mean, we had some fun, right?

21:17 And we have a cool ass red arrow, and we have this big check,

21:21 which is just enough to pay back Sophie and everybody else we owe money to.

21:26 That's true.

21:26 So, in a way, we're kind of a success.

21:28 I mean, we did go from broke to broke even.

21:31 We nailed it.

21:34 I just wish we had a clear-cut sign that letting

21:36 go of this place was the right thing to do.

21:45 OH MY GOD!

21:48 MY NIGHT-NIGHT COO-COO CUP!

21:51 YOU WANTED A SIGN?

21:52 That's your sign.

21:54 No matter what hits you, YOU'LL BE OKAY.

22:00 WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR WHOEVER owns this dump.

22:04 I'm bringing you more champagne because I have

22:06 something really exciting I want to tell you.

22:09 I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time.

22:12 You are now a junior executive's executive assistant.

22:16 I will knock YOU TO THE GROUND!

22:21 MAX, THINK ABOUT IT.

22:22 IT COMES with health care.

22:23 You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning after pills.

22:28 ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE AWAY A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE?

22:33 COME ON, IT COULD BE so fun coming to work together,

22:36 getting free coffee, the good kind, the blended kind.

22:40 Not to mention xeroxing our asses and feeling more alive than ever.

22:44 Watch, I'll show you what a fun boss I can be.

22:46 Let's go Xerox our asses.

22:49 Well, how could I say no to copying my butt?

22:51 The only thing better than one of my butts is two of my butts.

22:55 I'll go first.

22:56 TOO LATE!

22:58 DO YOU WANT LEGAL SIZE PAPER OR THREE-HOLE PUNCH?

23:01 Three-hole punch.

23:02 that's how my longest relationship ended.

23:06 Ready, you corporate sellout?

23:07 Fry me.

23:12 Hey, why is it so flashy?

23:15 Whoops, I put in 100 copies instead of one.

23:18 Don't worry about it, I'll use these as Christmas cards.

23:21 See, that's why I need an assistant.

23:24 Thanks, but I'm not going to take this stupid corporate job.

23:27 I'm going to stick with cupcakes, even though you just quit.

23:31 I didn't quit the cupcake business.

23:33 If you remember, it quit us.

23:35 At least this job makes sense.

23:36 You get a regular paycheck, benefits.

23:38 You don't spend two whole years of your life giving

23:40 it everything and then walk away feeling like a failure.

23:44 Get off that now.

23:44 I'm worried you're giving yourself butt cancer.

23:47 Wait.

23:49 You think you're a failure?

23:50 Cuz I think we did amazing.

23:52 The shop closed, Max.

23:54 Our dream blew up in our face.

23:56 Lots of things blow up in your face.

23:58 It's part of BEING A WOMAN.

24:03 YOU JUST FALL OFF AND KEEP GOING.

24:08 YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS?

24:09 THIS WAS JUST supposed to be a temporary

24:11 distraction until we got back to the cupcake thing.

24:13 No, Max, cupcakes were the temp job.

24:16 No, cupcakes were our dream.

24:18 Well, I was wrong.

24:19 Maybe it's better not to have a dream.

24:24 Good morning, everyone.

24:26 Eli, they said you wanted to see me in here.

24:28 Ms.

24:28 Channing, my name is Michelle Yee.

24:29 I'm with HR.

24:31 Aw, is this my official welcome?

24:33 Oh, hello.

24:35 Well, here.

24:36 I brought some first day bagels and plain cream cheese.

24:38 Sometimes tribes can be a little breathy, am I right?

24:42 Is this the woman who sexually harassed you?

24:46 Yep, that's her.

24:49 Aw, good one.

24:51 Really funny.

24:52 Me harassing you?

24:54 Come on, you're not even my type.

24:56 Caroline, this isn't a joke.

24:58 Trust me, I've been through four of these.

25:01 Wait, what's going on?

25:02 Ms.

25:02 Channing, please don't address Carmen directly.

25:07 Max?

25:06 Max?

25:07 Is that a pet name she has for you, Carmen?

25:11 Yes.

25:11 She also calls me caramel drizzle.

25:15 Can you tell me what exactly happened with Ms.

25:17 Channing last night?

25:19 She fondled my breasts.

25:22 Mrs.

25:22 Ye, it's not how it sounds.

25:23 We were drinking and I was pretending to be a man.

25:26 Drinking, pretending to be a man.

25:28 write that down.

25:29 Don't write that down.

25:30 And Carmen, when Ms.

25:31 Channing touched you, how did that make you feel?

25:36 Dirty.

25:35 Dirty and underpaid.

25:38 She felt dirty?

25:40 Come on, Mrs.

25:40 Ye, you don't know her.

25:41 She's the dirty girl.

25:42 She is a dirty, dirty girl.

25:46 And does that turn you on?

25:48 No!

25:48 It's almost impossible to turn me on.

25:51 Oh, good.

25:51 Now I don't feel so bad.

25:54 Trust me, she's making this stuff up.

25:57 I'm sorry, Ms.

25:57 Channing.

25:58 We're going to have to terminate your employment.

26:01 This is outrageous.

26:02 Nothing she said ever happened.

26:05 Then how do you explain this?

26:08 That is a copy from a Xerox machine badly in need of toner,

26:11 which is just one of the many oversights that would

26:13 not have continued had I been made an executive here.

26:16 GOOD DAY.

26:21 I don't know what she's talking about.

26:23 That butt couldn't be any toner.

26:25 Write that down.

26:25 Write that down.

26:27 Can I get a peek at that?

26:32 You've made a lot of strong choices here,

26:34 but I'm not sure they're all working together.

26:37 For example, that sex swing is fighting the goat.

26:40 Now, why don't we start by you going and getting us some rubber gloves,

26:43 lots of them, and the strongest bleach and soap products you can find.

26:46 Oh, and a hazmat suit.

26:48 Don't worry about the size, I can belt it.

26:50 But you're going to keep my good stuff, right?

26:53 If I see any, I'll consider it.

26:55 Go.

26:56 What are you going to do with Alexis?

26:58 Rehab and then a women's shelter in Montana.

27:00 Go.

27:02 I've got a lot of work to do.

27:04 But first Can I do it?

27:10 Can I do it?

27:13 Can you please turn that off, Max?

27:15 I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.

27:18 And I can't fall on the floor cuz I might stick to it.

27:22 You don't have to do this.

27:23 Just call Hana and apologize.

27:25 We can get out of here before the syphilis sets in.

27:28 No, he said some really hurtful things to me.

27:30 I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg and Alexis.

27:33 At least I'll have my dignity.

27:35 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb the sperm ship Enterprise.

27:39 Let me just get these curtains open so I can see better.

27:42 See better?

27:43 Is that the word I want to go with?

27:46 OH.

27:47 I'M WALKING ON A WATERBED.

27:51 THIS IS harder than it looks.

27:52 How many times has that been said ON THIS BED?

27:57 OH, MY HEELS.

28:04 I SWALLOWED.

28:05 I ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED.

28:08 YOU KNOW THAT'S BEEN SAID.

28:12 WHOA, THIS THING SAYS ONE OUT OF six people have herpes.

28:18 Uh-oh.

28:20 Max, anyone in here could be the one in six.

28:23 Are you sure you don't want to get tested while we're here?

28:25 Nah, I'm bad at tests.

28:27 Besides, you can't afford a doctor.

28:29 It's better to just spend whatever money you got

28:31 on weed to help you FORGET WHATEVER YOU GOT.

28:34 CAROLINE CHANNING.

28:36 SO EMBARRASSING.

28:36 Could she say my name ANY LOUDER?

28:38 CAROLINE CHANNING.

28:41 I GUESS SHE COULD.

28:43 MISS CHANNING, now you wrote here the reason

28:44 for your visit is an uncomfortable sensation in your nether regions?

28:50 Could you be more specific?

28:51 Is there a more private area we could discuss my private area?

28:56 Oh, I'm sorry.

28:57 Let me BRING OUT MY HOT AIR balloon and we'll take

29:00 a tour OF THE CITY WHILE WE DISCUSS YOUR UNCOMFORTABLE LADY SENSATION.

29:08 SURELY the only lady sensation I'm seeing in this office is you.

29:13 Oh, well, I appreciate that, girl.

29:15 I try to lighten the load with a little humor.

29:17 Well, I don't need the jokes.

29:18 Thank you.

29:19 Oh, they're not for you?

29:20 THEY'RE FOR US.

29:23 I NEED TO BE TESTED for herpes.

29:27 Girl, you sound like you're doing a perfume AD FOR HER.

29:30 JUST GIVE HER THE PHONE.

29:36 MHM.

29:36 WELL, this is either herpes or something I ain't never seen before.

29:40 Now, the HSV-2 is not a standard path.

29:42 It is a specific blood test and it is $250.

29:47 Well, the only way I know how to get money

29:48 for that test in the next hour will probably give me an STD.

29:53 Can we maybe work out a cheaper price?

29:55 We're waitresses nearby at the Williamsburg Diner.

29:57 I can give you free food for as long as I work there.

30:00 And now that I may have this, I mean, where else am I going?

30:03 Blood test or denial?

30:06 Blood test.

30:08 I'll just ask Andy for a loan.

30:10 But it's actually more of a buy since he already ruined the property.

30:13 Classic, you break it, you buy it.

30:16 Hey Max.

30:18 Good to see you.

30:26 I hooked up with that guy once.

30:28 UM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE was here for and how long he's had it?

30:33 You know what, give me one of those sexual history forms.

30:36 Okay, so you guys are here behind the counter doing your waitress thing.

30:39 Shooter aims for the cook but hits her, our featured waitress.

30:43 Hey, didn't I already see you on SVU?

30:46 Oh, yeah, I remember.

30:47 They found your head in a mini fridge in the Hudson.

30:49 I knew I'd recognize you.

30:51 Wait, we've already killed you?

30:52 Sorry, babe, you're out.

30:54 Aw.

30:55 Well, you gave great head.

30:58 Tom, we got to bump someone up to the featured waitress.

31:00 Pays a thousand more bucks.

31:01 Max, that could be the extra money we need for Chestnut.

31:04 Could one of us do it?

31:05 Can either you act like you've been hit with a bullet?

31:08 Uh, well, it just so happens I have been hit by a bullet twice.

31:11 Once in a 7-Eleven and once running away in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven.

31:15 So, yeah, I think I got this.

31:18 I'm thinking maybe a blonde would be better.

31:20 Caroline?

31:21 Uh, well, I did have a pretty convincing death scene as Fantine and I died like,

31:25 well, should I JUST SHOW YOU?

31:39 YOU ARE SUCH A NERD.

31:45 That's great, Caroline.

31:46 Special effects, put the blood device on Caroline.

31:48 She's our special victim.

31:50 Really?

31:50 I got it?

31:51 Yes, but a little less French Revolution and a lot more face down on the floor.

31:57 You can't take a shot.

31:58 You can't even do a shot.

32:00 Don't be mad, Max.

32:01 I'm doing this for Chestnut and it's not my fault he liked my death scene.

32:04 He liked your death scene with his penis.

32:08 Wow, Max, show business really brings out the worst in you.

32:11 You haven't seen me AT A WEDDING.

32:15 HELLO, YOU JUST PUT YOUR HAND ON A WOMAN'S blouse without asking?

32:18 Every day.

32:21 Well, um, here, can I help you?

32:23 No.

32:23 It's a union thing.

32:26 Aren't you in there a little long?

32:29 Yeah.

32:32 Caroline, that special effects rig you're wearing is very sensitive,

32:35 so don't let anything near your chest.

32:37 Except me.

32:42 And don't be nervous.

32:43 Camera's going to love you.

32:44 How could it not?

32:45 Okay, Max, stop flirting with me.

32:47 I'm going to die soon and you'll never get over me.

32:52 Promise you'll die soon?

32:56 Max, I'm about to be shot and I can't die with bad blood between us.

32:59 We're good.

33:00 You're living my dream, girl.

33:01 Do me proud.

33:02 I will.

33:03 NO, DON'T HUG WITH IT.

33:12 CAROLINE, YOU SET THE THING OFF.

33:14 WE weren't rolling.

33:16 Really?

33:17 That's too bad because that was gold.

33:20 That's a wrap, everybody.

33:21 We'll pick it up tomorrow.

33:23 I'm so sorry.

33:24 It just went off.

33:25 Prettiest screw up all day.

33:27 After you get cleaned up, why don't we have dinner at my hotel?

33:31 Dinner?

33:31 Yeah, I'd like that.

33:32 say 8:00?

33:33 My assistant will give you the address and my room number.

33:38 You know, this is exactly how you look in all my dreams where I shoot you.

33:42 The director just invited me to dinner at his hotel, but it's in his room.

33:46 Do you think he Is that why he Will you come with?

33:49 Maybe you're wrong.

33:49 Maybe he thought my audition was really No.

33:54 Uh Caroline, next time maybe A LITTLE LESS.

33:58 YOU ladies can wait in here.

34:00 Brian, before my father comes in, how are his spirits?

34:03 You know, for someone who's looking at 60 to 100 years in prison.

34:06 Pretty good.

34:08 I'll bring him right in.

34:09 Hey, Brian.

34:10 Anyone get killed today?

34:12 You ask me that every time, Max,

34:14 and every time I tell you it's a white-collar prison.

34:17 Got it.

34:17 Anyone get shanked with a Montblanc pen?

34:22 Yo, B, one more thing.

34:23 On lockdown, they always spray the guards with a mixture of urine and feces, so

34:26 Max, please, can we go one day WITHOUT YOU MENTIONING THAT?

34:30 I WONDER WHY MY DAD WANTED us to rush out here and see him today.

34:33 He probably wants a conjugal visit.

34:38 MAX!

34:37 RELAX WITH ME.

34:41 HERE THEY ARE, the light of my life.

34:43 AND OUR BOUNCER.

34:44 HI, DADDY.

34:48 MAX.

34:48 OH, WE STARTING THIS?

34:48 NO FOREPLAY?

34:51 UGH.

34:54 LISTEN, sorry to make you come all the way out here on the, God help me, subway.

34:59 But I actually need a favor.

35:04 Help me break out.

35:07 I'm kidding.

35:09 Daddy, it's so amazing you can joke, but maybe not around Max.

35:12 She's already offered to skin a guard alive

35:14 and walk you out of here wearing him.

35:16 Well, we know it works.

35:19 All right, listen.

35:20 This woman who used to work for me is being

35:22 paid a million dollars to write a tell-all book about me.

35:26 A million dollars?

35:28 How much could I get for a tell-all book about Caroline?

35:30 Chapter 1, sleep farts.

35:34 Max, please, can we go one day WITHOUT YOU MENTIONING THAT?

35:37 THE woman's name is Sandra Rosenfall.

35:40 Caroline, do you remember her?

35:41 Yes, the one who lied on her resume, the one who couldn't even add,

35:44 and worse than that, she wore brown with black together.

35:49 I like brown and black together.

35:50 I know.

35:53 Wait, why would anybody pay that woman so much?

35:56 What is she saying she has on you?

35:58 Well, she's claiming she was fired because

35:59 she had insider information about the Ponzi scheme,

36:01 and that we were sleeping together, which we weren't.

36:05 Of course you weren't.

36:06 You would never sleep with someone who wore brown with black together.

36:10 Man, I haven't seen this much hatred toward brown and black since the '50s.

36:15 Anyway, I wanted you to hear it from me first because she's about

36:17 to go on Piers Morgan Live and she can say whatever she wants.

36:21 No, she can't because I'll be there to refute her lies.

36:23 I'll defend you with dignity and class

36:25 and my new lipstick I just found on the subway.

36:29 Wow, Piers Morgan.

36:30 That dude's legit.

36:32 He's got a show.

36:33 He's got PIERS 1 IMPORTS.

36:37 I DON'T know what I'd do without you, princess.

36:39 You're the only person I can trust.

36:42 Now, get out of here cuz I got to speak to Max privately for a second.

36:47 Oh, sure.

36:47 Okay, I Just go.

36:48 Daddy wants to talk to me privately.

36:52 Love you, sweetie.

36:52 Love you, Daddy.

36:53 Brian, I'll just be right outside.

36:59 So, Max.

37:00 You know I'm all talk, right?

37:04 I need you to tell Caroline something I couldn't bring myself to say.

37:09 This woman is also claiming I have a small penis.

37:18 What?

37:17 So, I stayed behind to see it?

37:25 No.

37:25 I want you to tell Caroline so she'll be prepared cuz

37:28 I'm pretty sure that's the lie that got the book sold.

37:32 How big of a lie?

37:36 Oh, A REALLY BIG ONE.

37:42 SO, WHAT DID YOU AND MY FATHER TALK ABOUT?

37:44 I DON'T want to tell you.

37:45 I'm uncomfortable.

37:47 You're uncomfortable?

37:49 This must be bad.

37:50 You've never been uncomfortable in your life.

37:52 Is it drugs?

37:53 Cancer?

37:54 Oh, did he fall in love in prison?

37:56 I'll be fine with it.

37:57 You can tell me.

37:58 When we had money, I was very active

38:00 in the Park Avenue Straight for Gay Dorm Alliance.

38:09 Is this some kind of weird gang or did a gang just flood out?

38:13 Come on.

38:13 Come on.

38:14 Tell me.

38:15 Fine.

38:15 The woman's going to say your father has a small Sir,

38:20 your vuvuzela is loud and very 2010.

38:24 My father has a what?

38:26 He has a small Seriously, the game's over.

38:31 And how on earth you have a wedding ring is beyond me.

38:34 What is she going to say about him?

38:39 What is she going to say?

38:40 YOUR FATHER HAS A SMALL PENIS.

38:45 HE THOUGHT IT'D BE LESS AWKWARD IF I told you.

38:47 Was it?

38:49 I can't believe that Sandra Rosenthal woman.

38:51 There's another lie.

38:52 What?

38:52 Have you seen it?

38:53 No, I haven't seen it.

38:55 I don't want to see it.

38:56 Have you seen your father's penis?

38:58 If I did, it was waving goodbye.