Dignitaries, Drinks & Ducking: Correspondents Dinner Chaos

0:00 Hey everybody, I'm going to be hosting Daily Show this week,

0:02 but until then enjoy this show from Hilarities.

0:08 It's Josh Johnson in 3D.

0:13 [cheering]

0:15 Oh, I'm in 3D.

0:18 [applause and music] Good popcorn.

0:24 I've traveled around a little bit of Cleveland.

0:28 This weekend and it is funny how

0:33 [clears throat] you you get picked up in an Uber, right?

0:35 Cuz I didn't rent a car.

0:36 I don't drive or anything.

0:37 And so I got an Uber.

0:39 And when they get there, you know, you hop in the car and I guess Uber doesn't

0:43 tell the driver where they're going till they pick you up.

0:46 So I guess that stops people from canceling.

0:50 And so I get in the car and then Uber shows where we're going.

0:54 And my Uber driver's like, "Ooh."

0:59 [laughter] "Are you Do you Do you know where you going?" I was like, "No,

1:04 I've I've actually never been there before." They were like,

1:06 "Oh, uh Are you sure you want to go?" [laughter]

1:13 And then as we drive over, I can tell like, "Okay,

1:15 there isn't as much going on in this area."

1:18 A lot of boarded up former businesses.

1:22 But then they were like, "Do you know who you meeting here?" Or

1:28 [laughter]

1:27 I was like, "No, I'm actually meeting them

1:29 for the first time." And they were like,

1:32 "Are you sure you want to do the whatever this is?

1:35 I'm not trying to get in your business, but like I don't know.

1:38 I just don't want to be the last person to have

1:40 seen you." And I was like, "I think it's fine.

1:47 It's like it's a studio that's in a you know,

1:50 a warehouse area." And they were like, "Okay,

1:52 so you've seen pictures of what the inside look like

1:55 and what the outside look like?" Cuz I was like, "Yeah, they sent pictures.

2:04 It looks good and everything." "Okay, all right." All right.

2:10 When I let you out of this car [laughter]

2:14 I just want to make sure you're safe, you know.

2:16 I don't need people coming home asking me questions later.

2:20 I just go where the app says to go.

2:24 Plenty of beautiful places around Cleveland I could have taken you,

2:27 but you wanted to come here.

2:28 So [laughter]

2:32 And I don't know.

2:32 I Maybe maybe it's just because of some of the things I've seen.

2:39 I don't necessarily always know when I'm in danger.

2:46 You know?

2:47 Like I I've been to a party or two in a place where you know,

2:52 the area itself was a little dangerous.

2:55 And there was one time everybody thought I was being tough.

2:59 I wasn't being tough at all.

3:00 I just genuinely didn't know what was happening.

3:03 I was at a party and there were some gunshots

3:07 and a couple people ran and I just kept eating.

3:14 [laughter] I just kept eating my chips and [laughter]

3:19 And it wasn't cuz I'm like some cold you know,

3:22 like like like ice in my veins type gangster.

3:25 I just didn't really hear it like that.

3:27 Like I

3:29 [laughter] You know, there was like a pop and a pop

3:32 and a pop and then I was over here like, "Yummy." [laughter]

3:42 I looked around and some of the people were gone.

3:48 I didn't know until later that it was gunshots.

3:51 And then I was ready to pass out.

3:54 They were like, "Yeah, no,

3:55 there was a shooting down the block." And I was like, "A shooting?"

4:00 [laughter] So I saw the White House Correspondents Dinner last night.

4:10 I

4:17 [laughter]

4:20 I saw a guy I saw a guy that you know,

4:22 they have heard the bangs and people started running and getting on the tables.

4:26 And there was that one man.

4:27 I don't know who it was.

4:28 That old man was over there.

4:31 [laughter] [laughter] And I was like, "Oh, okay." [laughter] I know that look.

4:48 Some people think, "No, he just he probably he just probably that cold.

4:52 He doesn't care." And it's like, "No, he may have taken out his hearing aid,

4:55 you know?" That man hearing aid might be fully out.

5:01 We don't know.

5:03 Yeah, so in case you didn't see it.

5:08 [laughter] I say it We don't even know what it was yet.

5:13 Like [clears throat] There's a There's a lot still needs to be figured out.

5:19 It's very confusing.

5:21 You know, cuz you watching from afar and

5:26 [snorts]

5:25 a lot of peculiar things happened.

5:29 The first The first thing that happened was Caroline Leavitt

5:32 tried to get everybody to tune in and she's like,

5:34 "There will be shots fired, you know.

5:37 We're going to have a great time." And I know that that's a euphemism.

5:40 Like I know that [laughter] I wasn't taking her literally.

5:46 Yeah, but then it happens, you know.

5:49 It was like Like there's there's all

5:53 types of phrase like that, especially in comedy.

5:55 You know, if you had a really good show,

5:57 people be like, "You killed." Hopefully not.

6:04 Actually.

6:06 You know, but if you doing a show and somebody's laughing real hard,

6:10 they can barely catch their breath and then

6:12 they have a heart attack, you did kill.

6:14 Like you Not in the way you wanted.

6:20 I'm sure today Caroline Leavitt's like, "That was a poor choice of words."

6:26 [laughter] Oh.

6:30 Somebody Somebody apparently ran up in there

6:34 trying to get to the administration,

6:37 firing off shots and everything.

6:39 And crazy thing about when you're when you are um watching

6:44 the Correspondents Dinner and you see people not reacting to the bangs.

6:52 It was It was interesting to me because I was like,

6:54 "Okay, one of one of two things is happening.

6:58 It's genuinely just too loud in there and y'all think some plates fell.

7:04 Or y'all aren't around guns the way you act like you are.

7:07 Cuz how do you [laughter]

7:10 How does no one in this room recognize a gunshot?

7:12 That That was crazy.

7:16 And then you see people like not reacting right away.

7:19 Like some people were like, "Huh, what was that?" Which is a very I don't know.

7:25 It's It's a very What's the word for it?

7:29 It It's a weird It It's extra weird because of how they grabbed everybody.

7:35 You know, you quickly find out how important you are from who they grab when.

7:44 I would If I was at the White House Correspondents Dinner,

7:46 I would have been so offended just watching

7:48 everybody run up past me, not warn me.

7:51 They didn't yell for everybody to get down right away.

7:54 They just quietly [laughter]

8:02 People were getting ushered out and you had people next to them like,

8:05 "I wonder what that's about."

8:08 [laughter]

8:11 Probably some official business.

8:14 [laughter] No, that was that was wild.

8:20 They They ran up and grabbed J.D.

8:23 Vance and got him up.

8:24 And like actually you know,

8:25 cuz the Secret Service is supposed to move you where you need to be to be safe.

8:29 So when they grabbed J.D.,

8:30 they really grabbed that man and picked him up and moved him around.

8:33 And you hear J.D.

8:34 go, "Oh, okay.

8:35 All right." [laughter]

8:38 All right.

8:41 And here's here's what was wild to me.

8:43 They grabbed J.D.

8:46 first.

8:48 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

9:03 They grabbed J.D.

9:04 FIRST.

9:04 I KNOW TRUMP WAS SITTING there like, "I know THEY DIDN'T JUST

9:11 [laughter] [laughter] THAT IS WILD.

9:20 [laughter] That they grabbed J.D.

9:32 [laughter]

9:33 That They grabbed J.D.

9:39 first and then they came for Trump.

9:42 Like in my opinion, way too late.

9:45 If it's your job to protect the president,

9:48 you really let him air out for a second.

9:50 Like

9:55 [laughter] You're supposed to be in there quick.

9:58 They would have grabbed J.D.

10:00 and I was over here 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi.

10:04 [laughter] What are you doing?

10:11 [laughter] And then they finally come and get Trump.

10:15 And man, this this one of the most

10:18 overworked Secret Services in the history of the presidency.

10:22 This is why like not not since Reagan has the Secret Service had

10:26 to make sure they Every day Secret Service got to have on comfortable shoes.

10:33 They have no idea

10:36 [laughter] when they got to jump, who they got to have to pull, or anything.

10:38 Which I know is part of the job.

10:40 Technically, that's part of the job at all times, right?

10:43 Like every president since the beginning of the presidency,

10:46 especially after Civil War,

10:48 has received threats and you know,

10:50 like we have to make sure the president is protected and everything.

10:55 And this is the first time though, I'm not going to lie,

10:59 where we have a president who actually talk like he got Secret Service.

11:03 Like everywhere he goes, he's like, "Say something.

11:06 Do it.

11:06 I don't care." [laughter] Trump talk like I would talk if I had Secret Service.

11:13 Like, "I bet you won't do nothing though.

11:15 How about it?" [laughter] No, show me.

11:19 I want to see you do something.

11:21 Go ahead.

11:22 Get him, Derek.

11:23 Go ahead.

11:25 Go ahead.

11:28 [laughter]

11:32 No, no, cuz look, Secret Service job is tough.

11:35 It's always been tough.

11:37 But at least with Biden, [laughter]

11:41 the most you had to really worry about was the ground.

11:51 [laughter] No, you know I'M TALKING ABOUT Y'ALL KNOW SECRET Service

11:53 all around that White House like he taking steps again.

11:55 He taking steps.

11:57 SOMEBODY GET OVER THERE.

12:02 [laughter] EQUALS TAKING THE FIRST step down.

12:08 Watch him.

12:08 Watch him.

12:08 Get under him.

12:09 Underneath him.

12:11 [laughter] Cuz you know Secret Service was embarrassed.

12:17 They had to have been embarrassed [laughter]

12:20 when Biden fell off that bike right in front of him.

12:22 Right next to him.

12:24 They didn't even throw a hand out to catch him.

12:25 Did You know you could have caught him.

12:27 You were standing right there and Biden's over that bike.

12:32 [laughter] [laughter]

12:40 And you saw how he fell.

12:41 He fell like he fell out of the sky and down.

12:45 You supposed to be Secret Service over here

12:47 not even catching him, throwing a leg out.

12:48 You should have been on the ground already to catch him.

12:52 That's the president.

12:58 But this this president hitting different.

13:00 This president stresses Secret Service out every day.

13:04 He talking He's talking to whole countries like it's a bar fight.

13:08 Like this.

13:11 [laughter]

13:11 Like, "Look, what what what what was that, Iran?

13:13 What was that?

13:14 I bet you won't do anything about it though.

13:16 No, we taking everybody out tonight.

13:18 Come and get me." Now Secret Service over here, "Sir.

13:22 Sir.

13:22 Sir.

13:23 Please."

13:26 [laughter]

13:28 Trump, when it comes to talking,

13:30 it got the most my boyfriend knows karate vibe I've ever No, y'all seen that.

13:38 No, you you You've seen a woman get into an argument

13:44 with a man at a bar and be like, "And my And my boyfriend a cop.

13:47 He going to beat you up." And now you the boyfriend.

13:52 You come out of the bathroom.

13:53 Don't even know you walking into a dangerous situation.

13:55 You just just washed your hands too.

13:57 Hands slippery and everything.

13:58 You not even ready to grab back and forth with somebody start tussling.

14:05 [laughter] It's a horrible situation.

14:10 Secret Service stressed out and they they out look this is outside looking in.

14:16 I don't even know how to fight.

14:18 I don't know how to protect.

14:19 I don't know how to be Secret Service.

14:20 These are just my notes as someone who's been watching their work from afar.

14:25 As a citizen.

14:28 We really got to decide, you know,

14:30 Secret Service has to decide and amongst themselves when you going

14:37 to tackle him and when you going to let him up.

14:38 Because in Pennsylvania, they they all rushed him.

14:44 But then they let him pop his head up.

14:48 I was like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

14:52 AND THEN AT the White House Correspondents Dinner, they finally run over there.

14:57 Not fast enough.

15:00 They finally get over there and then they grab him, you know, pick him.

15:04 "Come on, sir."

15:07 [clears throat]

15:06 And then they And I was like, "I don't know if this one is a maneuver.

15:14 I think they I feel like they tripped him by accident by not working together."

15:21 [laughter] And Trump big.

15:22 It's going to take him a second to get up.

15:25 You can't just pull that man up the way you pulled J.D.

15:28 up from that chair.

15:29 You going to hurt your back trying to pull the president up.

15:33 Now you got a torn meniscus.

15:35 You got all sorts of issues trying to pull the president up to safety.

15:40 Me Meanwhile, they just let him stand there too.

15:43 So then they finally pulled him off stage and everything.

15:46 And then you could see [laughter] the Secret Service.

15:51 I don't know where they went.

15:53 I don't know if they went to go get some other people.

15:55 "Sir, stay right here." I don't know what they did.

15:57 All I know is that there are pictures of Trump.

16:03 [laughter] [laughter]

16:22 You know like when you in the school play and you GOT ONE LINE?

16:27 [laughter] YOU GOT ONE LINE at all and and because the stage manager

16:33 is has to be somebody's mama because we don't fund schools or anything.

16:36 So the stage manager got to be somebody's mama and they

16:38 on the other side of the stage and they tell you,

16:40 "Look, when they say this line, you got to walk out.

16:43 All right?

16:43 You got to walk out and say your line.

16:45 This is all you have to do.

16:46 It's all you have to focus on." And now you 6 years old standing there

16:52 [laughter] [laughter] They had Trump standing off stage like like he

17:04 was about to perform in a in a Christmas play.

17:07 Just Like he's about to walk out there and be like, "HARK, AN ANGEL." [laughter]

17:24 THIS WHOLE THING WAS SO EXCITING.

17:28 GO.

17:29 Had that music playing.

17:32 The music was playing for way too long after the shooting started.

17:35 All 1920s flapper music on the [laughter]

17:40 I don't Look, there's no appropriate music for a shooting.

17:44 There isn't.

17:46 [laughter] But I will say because most of the shootings

17:48 that I have heard of have had hip hop playing,

17:52 it just like feels like the shooting could be on beat or something.

17:56 This was just like, "Hello, my baby." Pow.

18:04 [laughter] "Hello, my darling." BOOM.

18:11 [laughter]

18:10 There is no good music for it.

18:12 I'm just saying like I don't At first I thought it was a live band.

18:15 I don't think it was a live band.

18:16 I don't think a band would be like,

18:18 "We're almost done." I would love that though if like

18:25 you It's right before the sax about to get his solo.

18:28 He's like, "Uh-uh.

18:29 Uh-uh."

18:31 [laughter]

18:36 And they had security camera footage.

18:39 They they released some security camera footage of of the shooter

18:43 trying to get in to the room and everything.

18:46 And this has to be some of the grainiest footage I've ever

18:50 seen in my entire They don't even look like it's from now.

18:53 This looks like some Back to the Future footage or something.

18:56 This I didn't even know they still made cameras like this.

19:03 He looked like Bigfoot and a UFO at the same time.

19:06 This is some of the worst footage I've ever seen.

19:10 For the year that we're in.

19:11 Like this this isn't even as good as like 90s footage.

19:16 Like I grew up with better CCTV than this.

19:20 It's just extra grainy.

19:23 Not even 1080p.

19:24 Not even 80p.

19:27 They had two pixels they put together to make this image.

19:30 This one of the saddest videos I've seen in a long time.

19:34 Cuz you you can make out You can basically make out what's happening

19:37 the way that you could make out what was happening in like Madden 93.

19:41 You know what I mean?

19:42 Like I'm pretty sure that little block is my quarterback and

19:47 [laughter]

19:49 This was I I have been embarrassed to release this.

19:51 To be like, "Yeah, we we security we got it locked down here.

19:55 We go ahead we went ahead and got

19:57 cameras from uh 1894 and we have metal detectors.

20:03 We have some of the first metal detectors ever invented.

20:06 That's vintage." This was crazy cuz basically you see you see

20:13 the the shooter in the distance at the very edge of the hall.

20:19 And then Secret Service all over here where the view of the camera really sits,

20:26 like center view, and then you have Secret

20:28 Service sort of peppered all around that, right?

20:30 And then the shooter runs past them.

20:40 [laughter]

20:43 And I got to be honest, I never thought of that.

20:44 I never thought of

20:48 [laughter]

20:49 Jared like I I NEVER THOUGHT MAYBE ALL you had to do

20:55 was show a little effort and you could get right past Secret Service.

21:03 Okay, a good example.

21:03 So, I wrote at the Tonight Show when Obama

21:07 made one of his last appearances as uh president.

21:11 It was very cool.

21:13 It was it was really really cool.

21:15 And they told us they warned us ahead time

21:17 in emails the week before and the day of, "Hey,

21:20 Secret Service going to be in the building.

21:22 I know there's ways that you have of getting in your offices or getting to um

21:27 different spaces that you work in, but if

21:29 Secret Service directs you to a different spot, just follow their instructions.

21:33 It doesn't matter if you always use this stairwell.

21:34 If they say not to use this stairwell, don't use this stairwell,

21:37 right?" And I'm not going to lie, someone who was new to all this.

21:42 This is my first TV writing job and everything.

21:45 It was my first time being around people like this as well.

21:48 Some of these guests and you know, people like the president and everything.

21:52 And so, I would have loved and you know,

21:55 like an autograph or something or just just to have

21:59 a moment to say hi and something like that.

22:01 But I saw Secret Service all day.

22:03 Whole day.

22:04 I'm seeing Secret Service in different spots.

22:07 A couple people I don't even know if they were Secret Service,

22:10 but they were just tall in suits and I was like,

22:13 "He's probably Secret Service, too.

22:14 Probably." Little bit of I went to the concourse, I got a salad.

22:18 I was like, "They're probably Secret Service.

22:20 I I can tell from the haircut." But [clears throat] I it never occurred to me.

22:26 Even when Obama came and did rehearsal

22:30 and everything and then was doing the show,

22:32 it just never occurred to me that I could have you know,

22:35 had a conversation with Obama if I had just believed enough.

22:38 If I had just Secret Service don't care about Trump at all because the fact

22:44 that they just let a dude get past them because he was putting knees to chest.

22:51 [laughter]

22:55 Just put a little bit of effort into his dash and they were like,

22:58 "Well, he must be need to be somewhere." Like

23:03 [laughter] Secret Service let him run right You saw

23:05 Secret Even AS GRAINY AS THIS FOOTAGE IS,

23:07 YOU SAW SECRET SERVICE GO, "WHO WAS THAT?"

23:11 [laughter] [laughter]

23:19 SECRET SERVICE OVER here just looking as he passed by like,

23:23 "Maybe he's late for something.

23:25 I don't know.

23:28 [laughter] That guy was sure in a hurry." [laughter]

23:34 And then after letting him slip by, Secret Service then like opens fire on him.

23:39 He fires back and everything, but he's still advancing towards the door.

23:46 That's wild to me.

23:48 That's wild that all you do Even look, I can't fully make it out,

23:52 so I don't know if I'm right about this, but he was running so fast

24:00 [clears throat] [laughter]

24:01 He was running so fast that after the the the you know,

24:05 the shooting, the dinner,

24:06 everything, in Trump's public statement, Trump was like,

24:09 "He was fast." [laughter] "OH, HE WAS QUICK." [laughter]

24:22 THE FOOTAGE IS NOT GOOD.

24:23 IT'S VERY GRAINY.

24:24 But the way he was running it just looked

24:31 it just looked so much like anime to me.

24:34 Like [laughter] the way this dude was over here [laughter]

24:45 but LIKE FAST, but like forward.

24:48 Like How do you mix Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and Dragon Ball Z all in one run?

24:54 Cuz he over here is quick as zooming.

25:02 [laughter] Oh, I hate it for Secret Service, too,

25:07 because I've I've been in situations where I was like,

25:10 "Ooh, I'm about to get fired.

25:11 I [laughter] Ooh, I know I'm about to get fired after this one." [laughter]

25:21 Oh, this dude this dude ran past Secret Service.

25:27 I I'll never get over how funny that is.

25:30 You're Secret Service, you're armed.

25:33 You could you could push anybody Like if you needed to create

25:37 you could high five anybody for the sake of the president.

25:41 Get out of the out of the way.

25:43 Move.

25:43 Make some room.

25:44 Clear a path, right?

25:46 And then someone [laughter]

25:50 dare to do harm to the president and the administration

25:54 and you can't even throw a foot out.

25:55 You can't even

25:59 [laughter]

26:01 And no one even TRIED TO LIKE [laughter] I DIDN'T SEE ANY MOTION.

26:07 No clothesline.

26:08 Like

26:10 [laughter] Footage bad.

26:17 Security loose.

26:20 It's devastating.

26:22 Do you know how embarrassing this is?

26:26 [laughter]

26:25 As a like as a nation, other countries are watching our news being like, "Oh,

26:30 IT'S THAT EASY?" AND THEN THEN, you know,

26:39 the the shooting started and people actually realized what was happening.

26:44 This is this is serious.

26:45 This is real, you know?

26:47 And a couple people got grabbed by Secret

26:50 Service and and cleared out and everything.

26:53 And then there were some people that were just

26:58 sitting there and there were a few people that Okay.

27:05 One thing that happened in in Butler was that when Secret Service like all

27:12 gathered over the president and then he popped up and was throwing up his fist,

27:16 you know, he was like, "Fight!

27:17 Fight!" And then people started chanting, "USA!

27:20 USA!

27:20 USA!" Right?

27:22 And in this situation that night at the Correspondents Dinner,

27:26 there were also people that during the shooting were like, "USA!

27:30 USA!

27:31 USA!" But it wasn't a a lot of them.

27:34 It was like four people that were like,

27:36 "USA!" You need everyone with you if you're going to chant.

27:41 [laughter] This is a very sad chant.

27:42 Like People over here, "USA!

27:45 USA!

27:45 You Come on, y'all.

27:46 USA!" Do y'all not know it?

27:49 USA!

27:51 It's over 2020.

27:52 USA!

27:53 With me now.

27:54 USA!

27:56 And now it wasn't just those four people,

27:58 but other people that were like trying to listen to what

28:02 Secret Service was saying everything just turned THEY WERE LIKE,

28:06 [laughter]

28:13 WELL, IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHEN TO START A CHANT.

28:17 [laughter] It is [clears throat]

28:23 a chant A chant is like a a collective group mind.

28:27 It's like like it it's a it's a a thing that springs

28:31 up out of you through the spirit of a social situation.

28:35 You know, it's a the chant is almost exactly like a slow clap.

28:41 I don't know if you've ever been around somebody tried to start a clap.

28:47 [laughter] I was Okay, I I had this job one time where our district manager

28:55 came and told us that we had um a record number like our district had

29:05 [laughter] uh in our stores had an unprecedented record number.

29:09 And then Okay, Keith was behind me.

29:12 And Keith was like a little overeager.

29:14 He was one of those people that anytime the boss's boss showed up,

29:18 he even tried to like get some face time over the boss.

29:21 Like his boss would literally be right there,

29:22 but he'd try to brownnose in front of his boss to the bigger boss, right?

29:27 And so, he was one of those people always

29:29 so happy to see the district manager and everything.

29:31 And so, district manager says,

29:33 "We as an entire set of stores in this district

29:37 have experienced an unprecedented record number." And then Keith went [laughter]

29:45 And the manager hadn't finished her sentence yet.

29:49 The district manager was like,

29:50 "We have experienced an unprecedented record number of theft in our stores."

29:57 [laughter] And now Keith over here [laughter] [laughter]

30:15 It's hard to know when to start slow clap.

30:19 Just like it's hard when to know to start a chant.

30:24 You know?

30:30 [snorts]

30:30 When I was in high school,

30:31 I went to a basketball game and this was there's one player he's pretty good.

30:37 He's very tall.

30:38 And so he was one of the only players on team who'd actually try to dunk.

30:43 And the game was tight.

30:47 There was like, you know, 2 seconds left.

30:51 Just enough time from the timeout to pass and shoot.

30:56 Now this dude had a chantable name.

31:02 His name or at least the name he went by when he was playing was Maze.

31:07 You know, cuz he was over here like,

31:08 you know, always like darting around everybody.

31:12 And so Maze stuck and so they start [snorts] the clock,

31:17 pass the ball to Maze, one of those fast push passes almost across the court,

31:22 and Maze instead of shooting dribbles once and then jumps

31:28 Jordan style in the air to dunk this ball, right?

31:34 Jumps jumps and jumps for long too.

31:36 This was actually genuinely very impressive.

31:38 Jump from very far, clock is still going, but he ready to dunk this ball.

31:49 And you could you could drop a pin.

31:53 Everybody was holding their breath.

31:56 You know?

31:57 This was to get into the playoffs.

31:59 Maze had the ball and he's about to dunk and he's getting closer every second.

32:04 He jumped off about to dunk this ball.

32:07 And so you could forgive me for believing [laughter]

32:17 midair.

32:17 He was midair and I was like, "Maze!

32:20 Maze!

32:21 Maze!

32:22 Maze!" And then he dunked and he slapped the rim and missed.

32:29 I was like, "MAZE!

32:31 MAZE!"

32:36 [laughter]

32:40 I I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

32:41 I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

32:45 [laughter]

32:45 IT'S hard to know when to start a chant.

32:47 Usually a USA chant is like a good bet.

32:51 Cuz we'll chant USA over anything.

32:54 I've watched people chant USA One time this dude in New

33:04 York got pulled up off the tracks by a bunch of other,

33:07 you know, random people that were

33:09 on their commute and people just started chanting USA.

33:14 [laughter]

33:16 And I guess in one sense the sentiment is beautiful,

33:19 but also like we're in Brooklyn.

33:22 Like

33:24 [laughter] wouldn't you just chant the borough you're in?

33:27 Maybe the neighborhood.

33:28 People be chanting USA during like a fireworks show.

33:33 And that makes sense.

33:34 4th of July.

33:35 USA!

33:36 USA!

33:39 But one time I was watching a football

33:43 game where somebody I started a USA chant.

33:47 And I was like, "But aren't both teams [laughter]

33:59 That just feels like somebody who's having such

34:00 a good time in America that they're like, "Yeah, USA just cuz!

34:05 USA just cuz!" That should actually be the chant.

34:09 Unless you really have a reason to chant unless you're

34:11 at the Olympics and we win gold and you want to chant USA.

34:16 That makes sense.

34:18 But if you're in the USA

34:22 [laughter]

34:21 and everyone involved is from the USA MAYBE JUST CHANT USA JUST CUZ!

34:27 USA just cuz!

34:30 Mixes it up a little bit.

34:34 My buddy um okay, so his his girlfriend actually broke up with him over this.

34:40 This is they they have a kid together, right?

34:42 And there was a a night that they're all having dinner.

34:46 So, you know, got the baby in the high

34:49 chair and got them sitting across from each other.

34:52 And then he notices that on the stove something has caught fire.

34:59 Right?

34:59 And it's going up fast.

35:01 You know?

35:02 And so out of instinct, this is just it it clicked, right?

35:06 Don't know where it comes from.

35:07 This is just your most honest reaction, you know.

35:10 He sees the fire and he immediately pops up

35:14 like like knocks the chair back popping up so fast,

35:17 grabs the baby, runs out of the door, and slams the door behind him.

35:25 [laughter] The issue is that he didn't even say fire.

35:35 He just

35:38 [laughter] He did just run out with the baby

35:42 and slammed door and she had to be like, "What?

35:45 What's going Oh huh." And then she put out the fire.

35:51 She put out the fire and then came

35:53 came outside where he was standing, you know, like

35:59 [laughter]

35:59 consoling the baby.

36:01 And she came out and she was like,

36:03 "What was that just now?" And he was like, "I'm sorry.

36:06 Just I you know, I just immediately I

36:09 just sprung into action." And she was like,

36:11 "You couldn't have said fire on the way out?" And he's like, "I'm sorry.

36:17 I'm so I'm I'm so so like I, you know,

36:19 obviously if it was just us I would have grabbed you." And And she was like,

36:24 "You didn't need to grab anything.

36:26 I put the fire out.

36:27 It wasn't the whole house wasn't on fire.

36:32 There was just a fire in the pan.

36:35 [laughter] It was as simple as taking the pan and putting

36:39 it in the sink and then there was no more fire.

36:46 Also also why was the door closed?

36:58 I know I know when he sprung up and ran out with the baby and then

37:04 she realized there was a fire that had to been a moment where she was like

37:10 [laughter] I imagine honestly even as a mother you'd be

37:14 glad that it was his instinct to grab the baby,

37:16 take the baby to safety, but to not even warn you or nothing.

37:24 And that's exactly how Trump looked when they grabbed JD.

37:28 When they grabbed I'm not going to get over it.

37:32 This is crazy.

37:33 They grabbed the vice president before the president.

37:38 That's wishful thinking on Secret Service's part.

37:40 I'll tell you that right now.

37:43 That's crazy.

37:45 That they were over here I'm surprised they didn't just grab

37:51 the president pro tem and just let everybody else stand there.

37:56 [laughter]

37:56 You know what's even crazier too is that while

37:58 this was happening there was a mentalist performing [laughter]

38:05 for Trump and Melania.

38:10 You a mentalist.

38:12 [laughter]

38:15 You you a mentalist.

38:22 [laughter] You're not a psychic.

38:23 You don't know the future.

38:24 You don't know what's going to happen next.

38:25 But you apparently read minds.

38:29 [laughter] Maybe there's a distance issue.

38:34 Maybe he needs to be within enough feet of the person to read their mind to

38:42 [laughter] guess why they're there.

38:44 You know?

38:45 The whole time I was like there's a mentalist.

38:52 [laughter]

38:57 I'm just saying.

38:58 Like I know they're just tricks,

38:59 but also I don't know wouldn't it be impressive if [laughter]

39:03 he wrote on a piece of paper I'm getting something.

39:13 I'm getting something.

39:17 [laughter] Huh, it says get out now.

39:26 [laughter] Now that would be impressive.

39:28 You know?

39:32 [laughter] That'd be that'd be a real show.

39:34 You you guessing my social security number is like,

39:36 all right, it was going to be numbers.

39:39 [laughter] [laughter] Yeah.

39:50 I know he must have been mad though.

39:53 I know he must have been furious.

39:55 You know, the mentalist is over here probably been preparing for like 6 months.

40:01 He knows he's going to do the event.

40:03 He needs a trick that's going to dazzle everybody,

40:05 really blow their minds and No, he's been doing whatever he does,

40:10 planting stuff in the newspaper, what you know,

40:12 whatever the thing is so that he can have like an amazing show,

40:17 like an amazing trick.

40:20 And in the middle of his trick there's a shooting.

40:28 [laughter] And you know at least a couple people are looking at him like, "So?"

40:35 [laughter] It's okay.

40:39 It's okay.

40:41 You're young.

40:42 You'll get better at your craft as you go.

40:46 [laughter]

40:52 Cuz I was asking myself, I'm like, "All right,

40:54 look, this is just I'm just throwing it out there.

40:57 Just pondering.

41:01 Is it bad as a man to get fully under the table?"

41:08 [laughter]

41:10 Is it bad to get fully under the table with the table

41:12 cloth and then use the table cloth to be like,

41:14 "Is it over?" You know,

41:15 like it's Cuz some people were at different table heights.

41:25 You know, there were some people that were

41:26 like fully under the table and they were like,

41:30 "Y'all tell me when it's over." And then

41:33 there were people that were just head above table.

41:38 [laughter] [laughter]

41:48 And which is a crazy thing to me because it's like get just

41:50 get fully under the table because now you need the top of your head.

41:54 You doing all this peeking is not keeping you safe.

41:59 You over here just

42:05 [laughter]

42:09 There's no real rules for this sort of thing, but I came up with one in my head.

42:15 I think if you're over 6 ft,

42:17 you can't get fully under the table without looking like a coward.

42:24 [laughter]

42:23 Cuz you're just too big for that.

42:26 Do you know what I mean?

42:26 Now you're under a table that you kind

42:28 of got to lift off the ground to get under.

42:34 [laughter] That's going to make you look bad.

42:38 [laughter]

42:39 It's a horrible look if you get under the table and then the table

42:43 over here lopsided cuz you holding up the table with your big old back.

42:51 [laughter]

42:56 I don't It is wild to me as well that they had the White

43:02 House Correspondents Dinner and gathered all

43:04 of these important people together during a war.

43:09 That is That's That's brazen to be like, "We all here at one time." You know.

43:19 Because they found what apparently, I don't know this for certain,

43:24 I'm just reading a bunch of what is you know, being sent out online.

43:30 Some of it from news sources,

43:32 some of it from like independent journalists and stuff

43:34 like that, but apparently they have the shooter's manifesto.

43:39 All right.

43:40 And in the shooter's manifesto he specifically

43:44 says who he's targeting in in order.

43:51 And for some reason he specifically made a point to leave out Kash Patel.

44:00 [laughter] [laughter] Dog, we should sit with it for a second because what?

44:16 Literally the director of the FBI.

44:18 This dude want to get everybody.

44:20 And then you have to be doing such a bad job

44:26 [laughter]

44:25 as FBI director for the shooter to be like, "You know what?

44:28 You good where you are actually.

44:30 I don't I think honestly you doing more damage here than I ever could,

44:39 so let's just leave you in." [applause] It's wild.

44:48 Specifically left off Kash Kash Patel's over there running

44:51 with Secret Service like he was a target or something.

44:53 Meanwhile the shooter's like, "Uh like [laughter] [laughter]

45:06 And I don't know how much of this is is is rumor

45:10 or actually reported because it's coming in from people who were there,

45:15 but then it's murky.

45:18 But there's a there's a world where it looks like what happened

45:23 is that Kash Patel running with Secret Service did leave his girlfriend.

45:29 [laughter] Did leave his girl which blows my mind.

45:33 This is your girlfriend, Kash.

45:35 Your girlfriend.

45:37 It's more surprising that you have a girlfriend

45:41 than it is that you are the FBI director [applause]

45:46 in Trump's administration.

45:48 You left your your girlfriend.

45:50 This is your shot, man, to have a girlfriend.

45:52 You

45:55 [laughter]

45:54 You left your girlfriend.

45:59 You weren't even a target and you left your girlfriend.

46:04 [laughter]

46:05 His girlfriend was in was in another room being consoled

46:13 [laughter]

46:13 by another man that was brave enough to stay with her, I guess.

46:22 [laughter]

46:25 Imagine that story.

46:27 Imagine that story.

46:28 "Mom, DAD, HOW'D YOU MEET?" [laughter]

46:36 WELL WELL, SON, UM YOUR your mother used to be dating a coward and

46:43 [laughter] [laughter] Um even in this manifesto the shooter said,

47:04 "I don't know what Secret Service is doing.

47:08 They are out of their minds.

47:09 They are insane.

47:11 There's no security here at all.

47:16 They They They weren't secure the hotel.

47:19 Up staying at the hotel.

47:20 They weren't secure at the event.

47:21 They weren't even secure transportation.

47:24 The shooter in this manifesto that's been passed around online,

47:29 if this is real, the shooter pretty much said,

47:32 "They're lucky I'm not like an Iranian agent or something."

47:35 Like this Imagine being the shooter and being like,

47:43 "Y'all y'all lucky it's me, okay?"

47:49 [laughter] Feels even crazier you see how people are in those moments.

47:59 Some people go for flight.

48:02 Some people fight.

48:03 Some people freeze.

48:06 And I apparently, according to the camera

48:10 footage on people's phones, the clear stuff.

48:16 [laughter] Cuz remember, remember, this is a White House Correspondents Dinner.

48:22 So most people there are journalists.

48:25 Some people are politicians.

48:26 Some people like everybody's got their phone.

48:30 And so people start recording everything, everything that is happening.

48:35 And there's a couple people that are recording just the general area,

48:39 just like panning their cameras around.

48:43 And while they are, you see in this moment

48:47 where there seems to be an attempt on the president

48:50 and the vice president's life where there's this active shooting going

48:53 on, that a lot of people chose this moment to steal.

49:02 There were a bunch of people over here just taking whole bottles like,

49:05 "Is that Prosecco?" Bottles were going at the purse People were just over here

49:13 [laughter] [laughter] Imagine.

49:39 [laughter] We are not a real country.

49:40 This is [laughter]

49:46 If you steal while you think your life is a danger, you really a thief.

49:52 This is the last thing you got to do.

49:57 [laughter] But like, huh, it's an expensive bottle.

50:00 There was one dude just looked like [laughter]

50:03 just looked like he was taking the rolls.

50:08 I was like, bro, those are for you.

50:10 Like that's You can have the rolls.

50:15 They're not going to reuse them.

50:19 What was wildest to me is that this thing happened.

50:23 And I'm seeing the notifications rolling in.

50:27 And then I heard that they were going to go back and finish the dinner.

50:36 [laughter]

50:39 You going to finish the dinner in the shooting room is You didn't relocate If

50:46 I If I ever went to a party or to a dinner that got shot up [laughter]

50:55 I'm I'm getting Uber Eats after that.

50:57 Like I'm not There's no way the appetizer was that good.

51:05 I'm like, I got to sit back at the table.

51:07 We got to finish.

51:10 And they did the White House Correspondents Dinner.

51:13 And everybody who Everybody I know at least was like, that was weird, right?

51:17 That was super weird.

51:20 And now today they're, you know,

51:22 going over details of the shooter and everything.

51:27 And uh yeah.

51:31 I don't know.

51:33 I don't know, y'all.

51:34 Just feels weird.

51:37 You know, where they're like, and the shooter was from California.

51:40 He was a school teacher.

51:42 I was like, all right.

51:44 All right.

51:45 School teacher from California.

51:48 And you're surprised.

51:51 You're surprised that he was armed.

51:53 Y'all were the ones that were like, we should give teachers the guns.

51:56 And maybe that'll cut down on the school shootings.

52:02 [applause] Like I'm Here's the thing.

52:06 I'm not actually conspiracy theorist.

52:08 I'm not I'm not sitting here telling you that I know something you don't know.

52:13 And I'm not even one of those people who's like,

52:14 I'm just asking questions cuz then sometimes those people are annoying,

52:17 too, cuz it's like they know what

52:18 they're doing when they're like just asking questions.

52:20 I'm just telling you what I've thought throughout this process, right?

52:24 What I've thought throughout this process of having the most

52:27 um Secret Service necessary president we've ever had, right?

52:34 When When the uh shooting in Butler, Pennsylvania happened, right?

52:40 I was like, man, they need to get some new

52:43 Secret Service cuz Secret Service got to him, tackled him,

52:46 but then let him pop his head up,

52:48 pump his fist out, and then they were ducking under him.

52:53 I was like, that seems backwards.

52:57 [laughter] But even after that, I was like,

52:58 isn't it kind of weird that Trump doesn't want to talk about it that much?

53:06 He still has smoke for Rosie O'Donnell.

53:13 [applause] And we have not heard him talk about

53:15 the young man who tried to take him out since.

53:18 That's weird.

53:22 [laughter] That's very weird.

53:25 [laughter] If you would think If you There was anybody you were going to hate

53:33 [laughter] you think it'd be somebody that shot at you

53:36 over Rosie O'Donnell continuing to mind her business.

53:41 [clears throat] And even now it's like this is a weird thing.

53:50 Cuz the shots happened at How How did this person get so close to?

53:56 They weren't invited.

53:58 Unless they were.

54:00 [laughter] Do you have me?

54:04 Like some of this has started to feel like organized negligence.

54:13 [laughter] Remember because remember even in Butler even

54:17 in Butler there were people that were like,

54:19 we told the police, hey, there's somebody on the roof.

54:23 [laughter] We No, we were pointing at him.

54:28 [laughter] We were pointing at him.

54:29 He was like, shh.

54:30 We were pointing at him.

54:36 [laughter]

54:36 And then the police were like, oh, yeah, I guess we'll tell somebody about that.

54:41 [laughter] Whole thing is so insane.

54:47 I can't put myself in the mindset of somebody who gets

54:51 the text message after running out of the White House Correspondents Dinner.

54:55 So, you going to come back to your table or [laughter]

55:00 Like, nah, give it to someone else.

55:02 You can give my seat to somebody else.

55:07 Cuz now you you know,

55:08 usually White House Correspondents Dinner has addresses from people and has

55:11 a comedian so I think I know Trump does things differently,

55:14 but they had After something like that, how

55:17 can you even go up there and roast Trump?

55:24 [laughter] You'll look like you were in on it.

55:30 [laughter]

55:30 Can't just go up there and stand next to the president be like, oh, for two.

55:34 You know, like Why would you ever continue this dinner?

55:42 This doesn't make any sense.

55:46 I don't even know if the mentalist got to finish his set.

55:49 Like [laughter] The magic, you're a mentalist,

55:53 and they booked you at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

55:56 And now they're regrouping after, you know, the ceremonial shooting.

56:07 [laughter] What?

56:06 It's America.

56:08 And And now Now they're like, okay, yeah, finish your act.

56:17 Now you got to go up there and be like, um Okay, um [laughter]

56:27 You know, I [clears throat] clearly don't have

56:31 any like powers to protect things or anything.

56:36 [laughter] But I can guess how much money's in your wallet.

56:41 I But then also there was someone that was I can't remember her full name,

56:55 but I think she's a She might be a Fox News reporter.

56:58 And she was sitting at that table.

57:00 And Carolyn Levitt's husband leaned over to her.

57:03 And she's saying all this on air saying, you need to be really safe, okay?

57:07 You need to be really safe because there's there's going to be [snorts]

57:13 There's going to be shots at the the the audio cuts.

57:20 And that's bad.

57:24 That seems very weird, right?

57:26 That Like it's one thing if you think

57:28 that Carolyn Levitt's obviously alluding to the thing.

57:32 That seemed Cuz it would seem weird if she even did that.

57:36 But it is weirder to cut off a reporter in the middle of them reporting

57:40 the news about the thing that's happening

57:42 right now about the thing that they witnessed.

57:45 Cuz then when the when the audio cuts, he's like, hello?

57:48 Hello?

57:48 Uh well, we appear to have lost Aisha.

57:51 Um I mean, that can happen when everyone's using the cell service like that.

57:55 I was like, no, dog.

57:57 CALL HER BACK.

57:59 [laughter] WHAT?

58:04 AND AFTERWARDS Trump came out and gave

58:07 a statement and was talking about how like [clears throat]

58:12 you know, something like this never would have happened if I had the ballroom.

58:22 [laughter] And in my head I was like, that's that's what this is about?

58:29 [laughter] The ballroom is what this is about.

58:32 I don't know if we're real country.

58:36 [laughter] This never would have happened if I had the ballroom.

58:42 [laughter] And then all these right-wing influencers,

58:46 and some I assume have got to be bots because they

58:49 all sent out an identical message all [snorts] across Twitter saying,

58:57 this would have never happened in the ballroom.

59:01 [laughter] I've heard of having a ghost account.

59:06 I've never heard of having like 200.

59:09 It's clearly Trump's words.

59:12 This never would have happened if he had the ballroom.

59:13 We should get a ballroom.

59:15 Ballroom's the most important thing.

59:18 And now you have people thinking that this is

59:20 some sort of like false flag attempt.

59:24 Because you have to remember this is America.

59:32 And we are very used to shootings.

59:35 We've been so desensitized to shootings that someone literally tries

59:39 to shoot up the White House Correspondents Dinner and we're like,

59:42 "That one doesn't even look good.

59:44 Like that doesn't even [applause] There's something fishy about this one.

59:50 No.

59:50 I know my shootings.

59:51 I've been in several.

59:55 This one doesn't It's not hitting like that.

1:00:01 [laughter] No.

1:00:00 No.

1:00:05 [music] [music]