Superstore moments that make me laugh like a customer asking for expired coupons

0:01 So, word on the street is you are horny.

0:05 Uhoh.

0:05 Hope I'm not interrupting

0:07 anything.

0:09 What is that?

0:13 Sex.

0:12 Goonies.

0:13 Never say die.

0:15 I'm getting coffee with my ex-wife.

0:17 A little worried I might run out of

0:19 oxygen in here.

0:20 On it.

0:23 You know, I love this store.

0:26 Cloud9 is more than just My mailman uses the

0:30 bathroom in my apartment every day.

0:32 He used to knock, but then he made me make

0:34 him a key.

0:36 Got a crush on Jonah or something?

0:39 Yeah, I think I do.

0:43 Sometimes when I'm playing the Sims, I

0:45 give myself a family.

0:50 Jesus Christ.

0:51 In my day, we called a girl who took her

0:53 top off a[ __]

0:55 Was Jesus on sale now?

0:57 on sale now.

0:59 Better get it fast cuz it will sell out.

1:03 Maybe we should allow bullying in

1:05 schools.

1:05 Like,

1:05 hey, if Hitler was a woman, would you be

1:07 defending Hitler?

1:08 No, obviously not.

1:09 What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?

1:11 I'm not sure one hosts a Holocaust.

1:14 Don't mansplain her.

1:15 Amy, where are you?

1:16 I need you in

1:17 electronics.

1:17 One of the gamers is trying

1:18 to teach Alexa racial slurs.

1:20 Okay, so if women can show their boobs

1:22 in the store, can I walk around with my

1:23 penis hanging out?

1:24 Why would they recall this?

1:26 Oh, I remember this.

1:28 Here.

1:31 Oh,

1:31 you burning Amy.

1:32 I got a good one.

1:33 You're here.

1:35 Boom.

1:35 Two Tupac sightings.

1:37 Two remote Mexican villages.

1:39 Same exact description.

1:41 And you know those people

1:42 don't have the internet.

1:44 Okay, I'm sold.

1:44 I'm putting it in real.

1:45 In real.

1:46 You know what should be in mythical?

1:47 A man who knows where the G-spot is.

1:50 Justine contributor leave.

1:54 Human cheese.

1:56 Don't you hate Tuesdays?

1:58 The only Spanish words I know are mas

2:00 tequila.

2:01 Know what I mean?

2:02 I I

2:03 Oh god.

2:04 Spray me one more time.

2:11 You remember Robin with that whole

2:13 sexing thing?

2:14 Nobody even mentions it

2:15 anymore.

2:16 Robin killed himself.

2:18 Hey everyone,

2:19 my lady.

2:21 The nerd smell is overwhelming.

2:23 It's like a potent blend of BO pizza rolls

2:26 and misogyny.

2:27 Thank you.

2:27 But no, I am taking this time

2:28 to focus on me.

2:29 I bought a bunch of

2:30 succulents.

2:31 And also, I'm trying Sudoku.

2:33 I feel like I missed that craze the

2:35 first time around.

2:36 You are a very, very boring woman.

2:38 You guys looking for the condom?

2:39 Cory already said that.

2:41 Hey, Cy, you stole my condom joke.

2:44 Uh-oh.

2:44 Looks like we got ourselves a cat

2:46 fight.

2:47 Amy frenched her man and now

2:49 they're going to throw down.

2:50 How did you get there from that?

2:52 Meow meow meow meow meow meow.

2:57 Hey Myrtle, you borrow some scissors and

2:59 I need a bag.

3:00 YOU LEAVE HER ALONE.

3:01 ONE OF YOU HAS committed a serious

3:02 malfence.

3:04 And I'm not talking about

3:05 Amy's adultery.

3:06 All right.

3:07 What's your name?

3:07 Miss

3:10 Justine.

3:10 Well, Justine, I love you.

3:14 I love you, too.

3:14 I love all of you.

3:16 All right.

3:16 Okay.

3:17 So, I'm the one who's been

3:18 stealing the shopping carts.

3:19 Uh, but they're not for me.

3:20 I give them to the

3:21 homeless.

3:22 That That's not too bad.

3:23 I just give them the cards.

3:24 They do the battling on their own.

3:27 [Applause] [Music]

3:30 Not me, but some people might find your

3:32 voice octave-wise to be the teeniest,

3:35 tiniest bit

3:39 high.

3:44 Stop it.

3:44 I want to buy a dog with a

3:46 birth marker around its eye, but in the

3:47 shape of a blue cloud.

3:49 Well, your website says you have all

3:51 breeds.

3:52 Harmonica gets to go to this really

3:53 cushy daycare place.

3:55 They never have fires there.

3:57 Oh, come on.

3:58 They must have some fires.

3:59 Nope.

4:00 Not one.

4:00 I checked.

4:05 Wa.

4:05 Comes apart.

4:08 Let's move in together.

4:09 People think of me as this powerful guy who's got it all

4:12 going on.

4:12 I just don't want to let

4:13 everybody down.

4:14 So, you don't work at Target?

4:16 Man, I hope she's a wolf.

4:19 It's a woman I'd like to

4:21 That's what that means.

4:22 Five.

4:23 Even I got a 30.

4:24 Well, you have better hand eye

4:25 coordination.

4:26 I can't be wasting my time

4:27 playing Star Trek video games all day.

4:29 Uh, it's Star Wars.

4:30 Same if they're just ugly people

4:32 floating in space.

4:32 Why don't you just tell Laura you're

4:34 fat?

4:34 Because fat people are fat everywhere.

4:36 This is clearly a baby bump.

4:37 We could pad you all over like how they

4:39 do Hollywood actors.

4:40 Sandra, if I didn't need your Hulu

4:41 password, I would kill you right now.

4:43 Yeah, only women can use the word[ __]

4:45 cuz we took that word back, right,

4:46 ladies?

4:47 No,[ __] The gays took that from you.

4:49 Who is Sandra?

4:49 Where is I?

4:51 All right.

4:52 Now, Sandra, it it says here that you

4:55 want to kill a coworker named Carol.

5:05 It's the best day ever.

5:09 I'm so glad.

5:10 Myrtle, you're fired.

5:12 I sent a nude fax once.

5:13 Full face.

5:14 Bullface.

5:15 I mean, an artist signs her

5:17 work.

5:17 You know, if you buy just one more

5:19 scarf, you get a free other scarf.

5:24 I'm excited to have a woman in charge.

5:27 The world's moving too fast.

5:29 Enough already.

5:41 Hope you're ready for some competition.

5:42 Oh, okay, man.

5:43 You bring it on.

5:44 Oh, yeah.

5:45 Yeah.

5:45 All right.

5:45 I'll clean your clock with arm and

5:47 hammer, you know.

5:48 All right.

5:52 [Applause]

5:59 This is nice.

6:00 So, I can do hats with squirrels on

6:02 them.

6:03 I can do scarves with birds on

6:05 them.

6:06 What about a scarf with a squirrel on

6:07 it?

6:11 No.

6:10 Human vibrator reporting for duty.

6:12 Turn me on.

6:13 Use me up AND CHUCK ME BACK in

6:15 the drawer.

6:15 People always ask, "How do I get enough

6:17 protein?" Well, I got two words for you.

6:19 Beans and nuts.

6:20 Before the new district manager gets

6:22 here, I just wanted to warn you.

6:24 Her name is Lorie New Step and she's a

6:28 woman.

6:28 Okay.

6:28 How do you put Marcus White?

6:30 What's his IQ?

6:31 Because if it's low

6:32 enough, we get a tax break.

6:38 Bye-bye.

6:37 He doesn't know who he's dealing with.

6:42 Oh.

6:42 Oh my goodness.

6:45 The sign says do not sit.

6:46 This is supposed to be a family store.

6:49 My child shouldn't have to see a bunch

6:50 of women flaunting their bare breasts.

6:53 It's disgusting.

6:55 Let's get your game

6:55 sign and get out of here.

6:57 Cheyenne, look up the Spanish term for would you like

6:59 to have sex in the butt.

7:01 Hey, you guys taking the coffee?

7:03 If we don't find enough budget cuts to

7:05 cover her salary, Lorie is going to fire

7:07 Myrtle.

7:09 What?

7:08 Wait, why would she fire Myrtle?

7:10 Nobody knows.

7:11 It's just random.

7:12 Because she's a[ __]

7:13 Lorie seems like kind of a[ __] right?

7:15 She's like this strict school teacher in

7:17 a porn, but nothing good ends up

7:18 happening.

7:19 She just like teaches.

7:20 Yeah.

7:21 And her shoes made a lot of noise.

7:22 I mean, what?

7:24 I'm really glad to see all this

7:25 excitement from our employees.

7:27 I'm not an employee.

7:29 It's me.

7:33 Jeff Sutton.

7:35 [Music] [Applause] long.

7:58 Well, I put on a hoodie that covers my

8:01 face.

8:02 Then I take the 47 bus line to a

8:05 library in a far away town.

8:07 Then I open a private browser on one of their

8:10 computers and Google how I'm thinking of

8:12 killing her to see what mistakes people

8:13 usually make.

8:18 Jesus.