Superstore moments that make me laugh like I’m clocking out early

0:00 That's the face, nose, and that's the

0:03 mouth.

0:04 It has a mouth.

0:05 Do you want to see it in 4D?

0:08 Really?

0:09 Okay.

0:10 What the

0:18 a You're going to make a great mom.

0:21 Amy.

0:22 Yeah.

0:21 I just wanted to say I totally get what

0:23 you were saying before about liking sex.

0:26 I think that's really cool.

0:28 Thank you.

0:30 I have a condom.

0:31 Oh my.

0:32 [Music]

0:35 One love everything.

0:39 But I'll tell you what isn't I nearly

0:42 700,000 Africans brought to Jamaica as

0:44 slaves.

0:45 But why would Paul Walker's

0:46 ghost single you out?

0:48 I'm just saying sometimes the car speeds up even when

0:50 I'm not pressing on the gas.

0:52 Okay guys, listen.

0:53 Whoever did was pretty awesome though.

0:57 Superstar.

0:56 She's a rebel.

0:58 She's a badass

0:59 Justine, just go home.

1:00 I have every right to be here.

1:02 Hello, Jesus.

1:05 Oh, Jesus.

1:06 Hey, Jesus.

1:08 Jesus of Nazareth.

1:09 Papers, please.

1:11 Instead, are you looking at me?

1:13 Cuz you calm down, Glenn.

1:16 Calm down.

1:17 Here I have my refugee identity

1:19 certificate, my social security card,

1:22 driver's license, electric bills,

1:24 proving my residence.

1:25 I got one guy to

1:26 buy an old bra of mine just by saying it

1:28 touched my boobs.

1:30 Wow.

1:30 It's all in the marketing, huh?

1:32 Greetings, shoppers.

1:34 Check out our great

1:35 deals on low battery.

1:38 I mean, you might have nothing to lose,

1:40 but a lot of us can't just say corporate

1:43 and risk everything because Jonah needs

1:44 a cause to fight for.

1:46 Are you guys fighting?

1:48 No.

1:47 You're fine.

1:48 Guys, don't fight.

1:50 It was just going to

1:51 be a small thing with family.

1:53 So, I didn't want to tell anybody.

1:55 But then I realized that you guys are like my

1:58 second family.

2:00 A like the one that my dad has.

2:02 Here are pictures of me at the block

2:04 party in my mostly white neighborhood.

2:06 As you can see, everybody's smiling.

2:08 The community is embracing me.

2:10 I just want you to know that I actually

2:12 really do like your costume.

2:14 Thanks.

2:14 I like yours, too.

2:15 Do you want to hold hands like you, Miss America?

2:18 Not really.

2:19 I actually don't like her costume.

2:22 All right, next up is Fern Rosado.

2:24 Now, she's married to a woman, so watch how

2:27 casually I bring up Zena Warrior

2:29 Princess.

2:30 They didn't love each other enough to

2:32 love their kids.

2:33 Oh.

2:33 Um I Oh,

2:40 okay.

2:40 Uh what about this one?

2:42 How does it make you feel?

2:47 Scared?

2:46 Well, well, look at you back at it, huh?

2:50 No one can stack things in a pile like

2:53 my gal Amy.

2:54 You said you'd like sex.

2:56 Not with you.

2:59 It's freezing.

2:59 Oh, so you guys are sharing in bed that

3:03 it's so husband and wife.

3:06 Yeah.

3:06 Well, there there weren't many

3:07 mattresses.

3:08 Never mind.

3:09 Cool.

3:10 Cool.

3:11 It just, you know, could you not maybe

3:16 you mean Dena's going to be manager?

3:18 No, thank you.

3:18 Though I will outrank

3:19 Glenn, who will be right below Marcus

3:21 and just above Jonah.

3:23 You rank us

3:24 and I'm below Marcus.

3:25 That's crazy.

3:26 I'm the worst.

3:35 What is up with you lately?

3:36 Yeah, you used to be all raw.

3:38 Unions are awesome and now it seems like you don't

3:40 even want to do this anymore.

3:42 Maybe it's because back then he wasn't

3:43 sleeping with the manager.

3:45 No, that's No.

3:46 No.

3:47 Wait, is that true?

3:48 Yes, cuz back then I was the manager,

3:51 but I would never cheat on my wife and

3:53 certainly not with Jonah.

3:54 I' I'd do it

3:55 with her friend Diane.

3:58 Hey guys, I'm supposed to sign people up

4:00 for some green initiatives.

4:01 Anybody feel like helping start a compost?

4:03 Isn't that where you put old food in a

4:05 barrel and then stir and poop?

4:07 Well, that's an oversimplification.

4:09 Pass.

4:09 My doctor says if I get menitis

4:11 one more time, I'll die.

4:12 The name is Glenn and Jerusia Sturgis.

4:14 I need to know the gender of their baby.

4:18 Okay, sure.

4:18 One second.

4:24 Hello.

4:23 Here at store 1217, we're a family and

4:27 we got through that day like a family.

4:30 Like a family.

4:33 Like

4:32 like a family.

4:34 You knocked over that cone back there,

4:36 dog.

4:36 I want a rematch.

4:37 No, no, no.

4:38 It's It's okay.

4:39 Let's calm down.

4:40 It's just a game.

4:41 What?

4:41 It's just a game, huh?

4:42 It's just a game.

4:43 This.

4:43 All right.

4:44 All I'm saying is that unions aren't

4:45 always right, and corporate isn't always

4:47 wrong.

4:48 That's not what you said when they made

4:49 you come back to work 2 days after

4:50 having a baby.

4:51 Yeah, you were living pissed.

4:53 What happened here?

4:54 I think it's slushy vomit.

4:56 And there's a whole sandwich in the middle, but I'm

4:58 pretty sure someone just dropped it in

4:59 after.

5:02 Are you okay?

5:03 Oh, my knees are just acting up.

5:05 I'm trying not to go to the doctor cuz I'm

5:07 saving up for a bike.

5:08 The bus driver keeps trying to drive me to his house.

5:11 I applied for refugee status and waited

5:14 two years for background checks while

5:16 all my friends either died or fled

5:18 persecution.

5:19 Sorry, I meant literally.

5:19 What was the application like?

5:20 Did you do it online

5:21 or was it a snail mail situation?

5:23 The rich get richer.

5:25 No, it goes back to corporate, not to

5:27 me.

5:27 And who pays you corporate?

5:30 Funny how that works.

5:31 Follow the money, people.

5:32 I always say more money, mo problems.

5:35 That's what you say.

5:37 You say that.

5:38 Could you play my music?

5:39 No problem.

5:41 [Music]

5:45 Sorry.

5:45 Is this right?

5:47 Hey, what?

5:49 Uh, I am just uh stunned by how

5:55 nice our parking lot is.

5:57 Well done.

5:59 Very well done.

6:00 It is.

6:01 It is a nice parking lot.

6:07 What is going on over here?

6:09 We're playing scanner duel.

6:11 Two people get a scanner and then Matteo loses.

6:14 That sounds like fun.

6:14 Can I play?

6:16 You want to play?

6:17 Yeah.

6:17 Guys, I'm not the boss anymore.

6:19 If you guys are having a little secret

6:21 naughty fun time, I'm into it.

6:23 Unfortunate wording.

6:25 Hey, Sandra.

6:26 Did you see a large Easter

6:27 bunny walk past just now?

6:29 What did he look like?

6:30 Two large ears, cotton tail, capable of walking on his

6:32 hind feet while using his front feet

6:33 like hands.

6:34 Why do I need to describe

6:35 this to you?

6:36 No, I didn't.

6:37 But I did see a zucchini

6:38 that looked a lot like a cucumber, and I

6:40 thought, "Wo, that could really mess up

6:42 dinner."

6:42 How is that helpful to me?

6:43 Attention Cloud9 customers, please be on the

6:46 lookout for a 6-ft tall Easter bunny.

6:48 White fur, cotton tail, plaid bow tie.

6:50 He's been spotted in the vicinity.

6:52 Oo, did you hear that?

6:53 The Easter Bunny is here.

6:54 Let's meet him.

6:55 No, no, no, no.

6:56 Absolutely not.

6:57 This bunny should be considered dangerous.

6:59 possibly armed, likely a pedophile.

7:01 I thought it was going to be non-stop

7:03 people talking about the incident, but

7:06 no one's even mentioning it.

7:08 Of course not.

7:09 There's no need for

7:10 people to bring up something that you're

7:11 already embarrassed about.

7:13 Yeah, but when we found out Jean was

7:15 having sex on his lunch break, people

7:16 called him sex machine for a year.

7:18 I mean, it barely made sense, but it

7:20 stuck.

7:20 Yeah, I know.

7:21 Come on.

7:22 That's different.

7:22 Sex machine's a guy.

7:24 It's less embarrassing for him.

7:26 Um, that's that's sexist.

7:30 No.

7:30 So, we need to ration our food.

7:31 The less we eat up front, the longer we can go

7:34 before we start eating each other later.

7:36 Um, I have a child here.

7:37 That is an amazing offer, but why don't

7:39 we just try and get out of here alive

7:41 before we start eating the children,

7:43 huh?

7:44 Oh, well, looks like you're ready for

7:45 work.

7:45 You got your shirt, you got your

7:46 giant orthopedic shoes

7:48 and customized insoles from The Walking

7:50 Company.

7:50 And also, Jush and I are

7:52 splitting a pair of clogs cuz we're the

7:54 same size.

7:54 Women's 50.

7:55 Yeah, your wife has beautiful feet.

7:58 Thank you.

7:59 The customer can type in what they're

8:00 looking for.

8:01 This will tell them where

8:02 in the store to find it.

8:03 They can scan it themselves, swipe their credit card,

8:05 and leave the store.

8:06 So, basically, these scanners are going

8:08 to make us obsolete.

8:09 This is it.

8:09 The robots are coming for

8:10 our jobs.

8:11 Are the scanners going to be listening

8:12 to everything we say like our phones do?

8:14 Our phones do that?

8:16 Absolutely.

8:17 Last week, I was talking a

8:18 lot about penis enlargement.

8:19 Now, it's like every ad I see.

8:21 Listen, technology has been taking jobs

8:22 for years.

8:22 Think about what happened

8:23 with bank tellers and ATM machines.

8:25 It's just ATMs.

8:26 Exactly.

8:26 It's only ATM machines now.

8:28 No, you don't need the machines.

8:30 Well, nobody needs the machines, but it

8:31 makes our lives easier.

8:33 Oh, this is just the beginning.

8:34 What kind of job will be left for me 30 years

8:38 from now?

8:42 Powerlifter.

8:42 Zumba instructor.

8:43 Okay, everyone, relax.

8:45 All right.

8:45 It's just a fancy price gun.

8:47 It's not a threat.

8:48 No one's getting replaced.

8:51 Yeah.

8:51 Yeah.

8:52 Uh, also, um, lastly,

8:55 corporate is asking us to cut back on

8:57 some hours, so maybe check the schedule.

8:58 Okay.

8:58 Have a nice day.

9:03 [Music]