Trump Does Iran War Damage Control, Kash Patel’s in Panic Mode & Rubio's Awkward Pope Meeting

0:00 I'm Jimmy, and I'm the host.

0:01 Thanks for watching.

0:02 Thanks for joining US AT OUR STUDIO HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

0:07 And I welcome to those of you visiting the Hollywood.

0:10 We're glad to have you here, right?

0:11 We're glad everybody here, right?

0:13 Yeah, Jimmy.

0:13 Yes.

0:13 Yes.

0:14 We have a show planned for you.

0:15 In case you're wondering what we did all day today,

0:16 we are particularly focused on the Vatican tonight,

0:19 where Secretary of State Marco Rubio was dispatched to patch up the off-again,

0:25 off-again relationship between the President and the Pope.

0:28 The President would have gone there to meet the Pope himself,

0:31 but they decided it was too dangerous uh when he enters a church,

0:34 uh all the holy water starts to boil.

0:37 So, he sent little Marco to a summit that got off to an awkward start.

0:45 Honorable Secretary, it's good to see you.

0:47 Good morning.

0:47 It was almost a year that I was here with you.

0:49 Yeah, one day.

0:50 Well, no, 10 days off.

0:56 All right, good talk.

0:57 Good talk.

0:57 That's what Marco calls vibing with someone.

1:01 They have the chemistry of parents

1:03 at their daughter's wedding 2 months after the divorce.

1:05 But, it was a productive meeting.

1:08 Though, in an embarrassing mix-up,

1:09 the Pope mistook little Marco for a child and baptized him.

1:14 Here's the photo that they were posing for.

1:16 If that's not a penance face, I've never seen a penance face.

1:20 And by the way, how short is the Pope?

1:23 You know, I looked Marco Rubio,

1:24 it's he's listed on the internet as 5'8", which seems generous to me.

1:28 Pope Leo must be about the size of those saints you put on your dashboard.

1:33 Of course, the main subject they discussed was

1:35 the ongoing war in uh on Iran this morning.

1:39 The story is that we were about to make a deal with Iran.

1:41 According to Reuters,

1:42 we had a one-page agreement with Iran that would stop the fighting,

1:45 but leave the most contentious issues unresolved.

1:47 In other words, put us right back where we were before we

1:50 spent who knows how many hundreds of billions of dollars on this.

1:54 Iran has been doing most of their fighting on Twitter lately.

1:57 Yesterday, the speaker of the Iranian parliament disputed

2:01 the White House claim that peace was imminent.

2:03 He wrote, "Operation trust me, bro failed.

2:06 Now, back to routine with operation FOIA." I

2:10 guess FOIA's a short for Fox and Axios, and that doesn't work at all.

2:13 I don't know if the translator screwed that up, but that does not work.

2:17 But, you do have to admit, operation trust me,

2:19 bro pretty funny for a death cult.

2:22 This is not your father's Ayatollah.

2:25 And then, it turned out that we're maybe not as close

2:28 to an end to this as the Trump reversed might have you think,

2:30 because tonight the Iranians fired on three American warships.

2:34 We fired back, and the fighting has started all over again.

2:37 Trump called it a love tap.

2:39 He's trying to play down what happened.

2:41 He's quite clearly anxious to manage expectations on this thing.

2:45 After After he declared the war was won in the first hour,

2:49 he's now posting a list showing how much longer our previous wars went on.

2:55 I bet that's not the only chart that shows his is the shortest, but Thank you.

3:02 You know things aren't going great when when the narrative is, "Hey,

3:08 it's not as bad as the Civil War." Not only is

3:10 Trump having a hard time explaining why we're in this war,

3:13 he doesn't even seem to be sure of what he wants to call it.

3:17 We are at, as they would say, a war.

3:19 They call it a war, I call it a military operation.

3:22 Of course, they call it a war, I call it a military conflict.

3:25 We're in a I call it a mini war, cuz that's all they are.

3:29 I call it a skirmish, because that's what it is.

3:32 We have to make a journey down to Iran.

3:34 This is a minor excursion.

3:36 This is a short excursion.

3:37 It'll be a short-term excursion.

3:39 This is an excursion, a little excursion.

3:41 We're winning the war by a lot.

3:45 By a lot.

3:46 We're up We were up 35 points, and they have no timeouts remaining.

3:52 Our future former FBI director Kash Patel is having a rough year so far.

3:56 Patel, as you probably know, is suing The Atlantic for $250 million over

4:01 a story they published a few weeks ago that claimed he drinks a lot and then

4:05 that drinking has many at the FBI concerned.

4:08 Yesterday, The Atlantic published another Patel all claiming

4:11 he hands out personalized whiskey bottles as gifts.

4:14 Which and this is the bottle it for real

4:17 you can see it is short and filled with alcohol.

4:22 Just like Kash himself and I have to say as bad as he is as FBI director,

4:28 he might be even worse when it comes

4:30 to graphic design because this engraving is it's sub AI.

4:33 If you want to make an impression, you need something that pops.

4:37 Like for instance, THIS.

4:40 BETTER, RIGHT?

4:43 HE'S HANDING OUT WHISKEY BOTTLES.

4:46 BY THE WAY, HOW PISSED MUST PETE Hegseth be right now?

4:50 They made me give up drinking.

4:53 The FBI has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the unauthorized

4:56 use of alcohol on the job and misuse while off duty.

4:59 And so they're taking these allegations seriously.

5:02 In fact, so seriously,

5:03 they've opened an investigation to find out who ratted him out.

5:07 Patel has reportedly ordered more than two

5:09 dozen members of his security detail and staff

5:12 to take a polygraph and is said to be in panic mode to save his job.

5:17 Ah, sounds to me like somebody could use a drink.

5:21 And while the FBI is busy looking into who blew the whistle on the boss man,

5:29 very little has been done to bring light

5:31 to those implicated in the Trump Epstein files.

5:34 Remember those?

5:37 A lot of people believe this war or skirmish or or excursion

5:40 in Iran was cooked up to knock that out of the headlines.

5:44 And even some of our most accomplished and unbiased TV journalists

5:49 now are suggesting that it might be time to move on.

5:51 We've got Iran building a nuclear weapon.

5:54 You think the president of the United States is seriously going to spend time

5:57 dissecting and breaking down and presenting

6:00 to the American people stuff in the Epstein files?

6:03 You really believe that?

6:04 Get over yourself.

6:04 It's crazy.

6:05 So, enough of that.

6:06 Those files are out.

6:09 I mean, we talked about it on here before.

6:12 I think I think we all want to know about the UFOs, right?

6:18 Well, yeah, but can't we know about both?

6:20 I mean kiss his ass all you want, Laura.

6:23 He's still going to call you Laura at Thanksgiving dinner.

6:27 You know, Monday is on Sunday.

6:28 Uh Mon- Monday's not on Sunday.

6:30 Monday on Sunday?

6:32 Monday on Sunday now?

6:34 Yeah, that's one of the crazy things Trump has done.

6:37 Monday is on Sunday now.

6:40 So.

6:44 I've had a I've had a long week.

6:47 So, um you know, you have a plan for Mother's Day, Guillermo?

6:51 Uh actually, Jimmy, I'm flying to New York for work.

6:53 Oh, right.

6:54 We're going to New York.

6:55 to New York, yes.

6:56 Right.

6:56 Okay, so you're not going to be home.

6:58 No, she's home alone, yeah.

7:00 Okay.

7:00 All right.

7:00 Will you make up for it?

7:02 Yeah, when I come back, yeah.

7:03 Of course, I order her flowers and everything, you know.

7:06 Flowers and everything or just flowers?

7:07 No, flowers and a gift and everything, yeah.

7:10 Yeah.

7:10 Here's an anomaly about Mother's Day.

7:12 Maybe you have this, too.

7:13 I I have to go and find gifts and pay

7:16 for the gifts that my kids then pretend are from them.

7:21 And then even though my wife knows full well who got this stuff,

7:24 I have to sit there and watch as we go through this thank you,

7:26 I love you charade, and we're teaching kids to take credit

7:31 for something they had nothing to do with, like little Donald Trumps.

7:34 You understand?

7:36 Well, anyway, part of the problem with Mother's Day,

7:40 as I see it, is we don't know what mothers really want.

7:44 It's definitely not brunch.

7:45 So, to help those of you watching from home,

7:48 we are now going to journey inside the heads of our studio audience

7:51 to find out what the mothers in this room really want for Mother's Day.

7:56 And we'll start with um where Okay, yes, right over here.

7:59 Yes.

8:02 For Mother's Day, I want my kids to not say the word mom all day.

8:06 Ask dad to get your goddamn Fruit Roll-Ups.

8:12 For Mother's Day, I want a card, a nice card,

8:16 and the card should have a gift certificate to a spa in it.

8:19 And the spa should be run by a masseur named Jonathan in Studio City.

8:24 And Jonathan should be free for a few hours.

8:29 And ready to start a new life with me.

8:33 For Mother's Day, I want a CPAP machine.

8:36 Not for me, for my husband Glenn.

8:39 It's like sleeping next to a walrus playing a tuba.

8:42 Figure it out, Glenn.

8:45 Call me old-fashioned, but this Mother's Day,

8:47 I'd love to start doing coke again.

8:52 For Mother's Day, I want a bottle of champagne,

8:55 some chocolate-covered strawberries,

8:56 and 10 crazy minutes with a certain mustachioed security guard.

9:06 For Mother's Day, I want you to jam that Yankee Candle straight up your ass.

9:12 Oh, thank you guys for being so honest.

9:14 I really appreciate it.

9:16 And it's helpful because now we know now we know what gifts they want.

9:22 And we also thought it might be fun to ask moms

9:24 walking by on Hollywood Boulevard when

9:27 specifically the miracle of conception began.

9:30 We asked mothers when they conceived their children

9:33 in front of the children they conceived.

9:37 So, we're out here, we're talking to kids with their moms about Mother's Day,

9:40 and we're trying to kind of take it back to where it all started, conception.

9:44 Do you remember conceiving your girls?

9:48 Yes.

9:49 This one, my husband and I had to sneak

9:52 into my son's room because he was sleeping in our bed.

9:57 And and and my son had like Finding Nemo sheets on his bed.

10:02 Mom, don't say this.

10:03 It's true.

10:04 And it was not hot, but you know, my husband was desperate, so

10:08 Do you remember the posish?

10:11 No.

10:11 No, I can't.

10:12 No.

10:13 Where are you guys from?

10:14 We're from Poland.

10:15 From Pol- Does your mom speak any English?

10:17 She doesn't know.

10:18 Can you ask your mom if she can remember the night that you were conceived?

10:23 Yeah.

10:31 She says she doesn't She She doesn't recall, no.

10:34 How often was she exploring your father's body around that time?

10:47 It was very very often.

10:51 That's awkward for me.

10:52 That's like really awkward for me.

10:54 Can she remember if she had an orgasm?

11:06 YES, OF COURSE.

11:11 DO YOU REMEMBER CONCEIVING YOUR SON?

11:13 OH, MY, YES.

11:14 He slept over the night my parents were not at home in my parents' bedroom.

11:20 You were defiling your parents' bed all the time back then?

11:23 Occasionally, every you know Yeah, I'll go again.

11:26 Got to cover up here.

11:27 This is painful.

11:28 Would you like to tell your mom how you lost your virginity?

11:32 No.

11:32 Sure.

11:34 Sure.

11:35 And we took the van to a Target parking lot.

11:39 And cuz we didn't have a house, you know,

11:40 I wouldn't go I wouldn't do it in the back home.

11:42 And it all worked out and you didn't do it in your mom's bed.

11:44 Right.

11:45 It was in my van though.

11:47 Right.

11:47 It was her van.

11:48 Oh, it was her van.

11:49 Oh, it was his van too.

11:50 It was your van?

11:52 Yes, that was my van.

11:53 What you do?

11:55 I had sex in our van.

11:57 Oh.

12:01 Well, that's you know what?

12:02 That's kind of him for owning a van.

12:04 We have a good show tonight.

12:05 Caitriona Balfe is here from Outlander.

12:07 We have music from Social Distortion and we

12:10 will be right back with Sharon Stone.

12:12 So, stick around.