Superstore Morning Meetings That Make Me Question Reality

0:00 Listen up.

0:00 I've got an important announcement.

0:02 This is your garden variety generic decongestant.

0:05 And this is crystal meth.

0:07 Okay.

0:07 The tweakers use this to make this.

0:11 So stop selling them this.

0:13 So they can't make this.

0:14 That guy told me he had a really bad cold.

0:16 He was buying 35 boxes.

0:18 Cheyenne, that should have been a red flag.

0:20 Okay.

0:20 Use your noggin.

0:22 Let's thank Dena for that helpful tip of the day.

0:25 Thank you, Dina.

0:26 Am I the only one that thinks it's weird

0:27 that she walking around with a bag of crystal meth?

0:29 So, I need everybody on their agame as this store is going to be

0:32 packed with video game nerds and we don't want to risk a trampling.

0:35 Well, we're never going to totally prevent tramplings.

0:37 Oh, no.

0:38 Obviously, we're never going to have zero tramplings,

0:40 but we can have fewer tramplings.

0:43 Um, can I set one of the video games aside before we sell out?

0:46 Amy, employees can't reserve merchandise.

0:49 You know this.

0:49 You're into video games?

0:51 After a long day of work,

0:52 it's nice to have a glass of wine and reach

0:54 into a stable boy's chest and pull out his still beating heart.

0:56 Feed the birds.

0:57 I just don't get how murdering people is considered fun.

1:01 I mean, what happened to all those innocent games,

1:03 you know, like Frogger and Cubert and Donkey Kong?

1:07 Innocent?

1:08 Cubert's about a big-nose creepy little freak

1:10 that commits suicide when things get hard.

1:12 Frogger's basically a frog holocaust.

1:15 I remember a glitch in the original Donkey Kong

1:18 where it looks like the ape has a penis.

1:21 Sometimes when I'm playing the Sims, I give myself a family.

1:27 Jesus Christ.

1:30 Okay, I need two volunteers right here at first.

1:33 Pick me.

1:34 Okay, thank you.

1:35 Matteo, who else?

1:38 Anyone?

1:42 Garrett.

1:42 Yeah, I just wanted to say no.

1:44 You're all ingrates.

1:45 I hope someone sets you all on fire and you need a volunteer to put it out.

1:48 It's too much for 6 a.m.

1:49 D.

1:50 I don't think it's enough.

1:51 Okay, fine.

1:51 I'll I'll do it.

1:53 Okay.

1:53 Thank you, Jonah.

1:55 Uh, you and Matteo will be in charge of our instore dog adoption today.

2:00 Yes, that's right.

2:01 The volunteer JOB WAS DESIRABLE.

2:04 THAT WAS A LESSON.

2:05 HELLO.

2:06 The Samaritan as he traveled came to where 6 a.m.

2:10 Gwen.

2:12 Morning everyone.

2:16 Let's focus up.

2:23 Quiet.

2:22 Morning everyone.

2:24 Okay.

2:24 Uh before the new district manager gets here, I just wanted to warn you.

2:29 Her name is Lorie Newep, and she's a woman, so let's not act like that's weird.

2:36 Um, is it weird?

2:38 No.

2:38 I mean, just don't act like anything's weird ever in general.

2:43 Nice recovery.

2:45 First order of business, another foot was found in the parking lot.

2:48 Wow, it's so weird seeing you as the manager.

2:51 It's like that one time my math teacher became my stepdad for a little bit.

2:55 Like what?

2:56 It's a big change.

2:57 Must be weird.

2:58 Anyway, this foot had the number eight written on it,

3:01 which is concerning because we've only found two other feet.

3:04 So, keep your eyes.

3:05 Sorry.

3:05 Sorry I'm late.

3:07 The baby was throwing up all night, but the doctor said it's probably cuz I just

3:10 gave her part of my buffalo chicken wrap, you know.

3:13 Okay.

3:14 Uh, let's get down to business.

3:18 Glen,

3:18 yeah, you're not manager anymore.

3:20 Oh.

3:20 Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

3:23 After 30 years, it's just it's muscle memory.

3:26 Of

3:26 course.

3:26 Yeah.

3:27 Okay, I'm gonna go take my seat and Oh, you can read my announcements.

3:31 Oh, no.

3:31 I wrote up my own announcements.

3:32 I'm good.

3:33 There's some real goodies in here.

3:35 They're going to eat it up.

3:36 Trust me.

3:36 Go ahead.

3:38 Effective immediately,

3:39 Cloud9 will no longer keep black hair care products in locked cases.

3:43 Wait, why are those locked up?

3:45 Can you huff them?

3:46 Or is it more like a butt thing?

3:48 Oh, butt thing.

3:48 No, I think it's because they think black people are going to steal them.

3:51 Yeah, we have to ask for the key.

3:52 It's like a walk of shame every time you need argan oil.

3:55 Wait, seriously?

3:56 That was store policy that you had to humiliate yourself

3:58 just to get the al almond the what was it called?

4:03 The the al almond oil.

4:05 Okay, Ken, do you want to do the honors?

4:06 Oh, six foot bubble.

4:08 Everybody watch your fingers.

4:09 I just had these sharpened.

4:12 Uh Ken, on the count of three,

4:13 you're going to bolt cut us into the 21st century.

4:16 One, TWO, THREE.

4:21 OR, YOU KNOW, SINCE WE put the lock there, maybe we have the key.

4:27 Gabby is in soft lines.

4:28 Elias grocery.

4:30 Jonah, you're at the gun counter.

4:31 Oh.

4:32 Uh.

4:32 Oh.

4:33 Uh.

4:33 Can I switch with somebody?

4:35 I just I don't really believe in guns.

4:37 I mean, I'm just kind of against selling them or buying them or owning them.

4:43 You don't have a gun?

4:44 No.

4:44 What do I need a gun for?

4:46 Home security.

4:47 Hunting.

4:47 I mean, without guns, how are you going to properly start a drag race?

4:51 Via condio, amigos.

4:54 Without a gun, I do not know how I would stop

4:56 that raccoon from trying to impregnate my Winnie the Pooh lawn ornament.

5:00 Okay, look, I'm not I'm not like against weapons as a whole.

5:03 I fenced in college.

5:05 [laughter]

5:07 Okay.

5:07 What What are you doing?

5:08 Oh, I'm keeping a list of all the crazy white person stuff you say.

5:11 Oh, fencing.

5:12 That's definitely going on there.

5:13 What else is on there?

5:14 Oh, it's long.

5:15 I got wearing boat shoes.

5:16 BBC America makes his own trail mix.

5:19 You love my trail mix.

5:21 Today is a high alert day.

5:22 I can't stress enough the importance of being vigilant

5:24 and cautious in light of the serious threats we'll be facing.

5:29 Dina's right.

5:29 So, everybody keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.

5:34 Okay, good.

5:35 Let's watch out for people buying toilet paper,

5:37 eggs, shaving cream, ketchup, your squeezables, your squirtles.

5:41 Everything is a weapon today.

5:42 Okay.

5:43 What about guns?

5:44 Those are fine.

5:45 Incidentally, that costume is ridiculous.

5:47 Professor X doesn't drink martinis.

5:49 Yes, but James Bond does.

5:52 Okay.

5:53 Uh, those of you who were working

5:55 the day that Carol was electrocuted by the robot,

5:57 you're going to be deposed by Carol's lawyer today.

6:00 Now, Cloud9's lawyer will also be present.

6:02 He advises we answer every question honestly,

6:05 but try and downplay their liability.

6:07 So, feel free to get creative walking that perjury line.

6:11 How much is Cloud9 going to have to pay Carol?

6:14 Oh, I heard about a guy who got his butt sliced off when a shelf fell.

6:18 10 million.

6:20 What?

6:20 That's a nice payday.

6:21 I'm sorry.

6:22 A guy got his butt sliced off and we didn't hear about it in the news.

6:25 Wait, so Carol could get $10 million?

6:29 [laughter]

6:29 Okay, that makes sense.

6:31 So, the world makes sense.

6:32 She'll be able to do that thing where you buy a car and you just drive it once.

6:35 Like when you get to where you're going,

6:37 you just toss the keys to whoever and leave.

6:39 No, she's the kind of person who would blow it all in exotic animals.

6:42 Dead broke in the bathroom of a red robin.

6:44 Carol, you could probably just go start your shift now.

6:47 No, I'm good.

6:48 Is this what today's going to be like?

6:49 Everyone talking about me.

6:51 So, unfortunately, the body we found was one of our employees.

6:56 Oh, what?

6:57 Salvator Kasquez.

6:59 Wait, you mean creepy S?

7:01 The man is dead.

7:03 But yeah.

7:04 Oh, well, the police said he's been dead for at least a year.

7:09 Are you crying?

7:10 Yeah, I just Poor guy.

7:13 But you you didn't know him.

7:15 But he was a human being.

7:18 S was a a bit of a how do I put it?

7:22 When he looked at you, it felt like he was grabbing you.

7:25 Apparently, he was doing some work

7:26 behind the drywall outside the women's washroom

7:29 and then his foot got caught in a beam and he starved to death.

7:33 I'm sorry.

7:34 What work was he doing exactly?

7:36 We're not sure.

7:38 He drilled a hole into the women's washroom.

7:40 So maybe he was hanging a picture.

7:44 Oh,

7:44 dude.

7:44 He was peeping on women going to the potty.

7:47 What?

7:47 All you have to do today is hand out these nifty care packages to the hallway

7:51 house women shelter and ask our customers

7:53 to round up to the nearest dollar for charity.

7:55 Easy.

7:56 Wow.

7:56 Cloud9 never did any of this stuff, but I feel like Zephr cares.

8:00 Well, let's not just blindly believe the t-shirts.

8:03 Although Zephra is a fine company, which I am not criticizing today,

8:07 as was made clear to me in the car.

8:09 But guys, Amy set this whole thing up.

8:11 I mean, she chose the charity.

8:13 She got local businesses to donate goods.

8:16 So, this stuff is donated.

8:17 Zephr didn't even pay for it.

8:19 It's a PR stunt.

8:20 Okay, I'm confused.

8:21 Is Zephra good or bad?

8:24 Glenn, come on.

8:24 It's It's not that easy.

8:26 They did give us that lip discount, though.

8:28 Today I got to ride a Nikki Soul.

8:30 Guys, believe the hype.

8:32 Well, I read Zephr does blood diamonds.

8:35 What do you mean by does?

8:37 Uh, I don't know.

8:38 I didn't click on it.

8:39 I did hear that Zephr gives a lot of money to struggling communities.

8:42 We all heard that, Justine.

8:43 They said it like 12 times in a video.

8:47 So, we're competing with all the other Cloud9s in the district,

8:50 and the branch with the most combined steps by the end of the week wins.

8:54 Oh my god.

8:54 Are these Apple watches?

8:56 Close.

8:56 They're Supercloud step trackers.

8:59 Awesome.

8:59 I was hoping to get something worse than an Apple Watch.

9:01 Yes.

9:02 Maybe this will change your mind.

9:04 The number one store wins.

9:09 What?

9:08 You said you were going to do You know what is that?

9:12 The thing we we the thing we talked about it in the office this morning.

9:15 What?

9:16 What?

9:16 You talking about firing Hannah?

9:17 I thought we were going to pull her aside after the meeting.

9:21 The the store with the most combined steps by the end

9:24 of the week wins Lunch with the regional vice president.

9:29 Come on, STORE 1217.

9:31 LET'S GET TO STEP an Oh.

9:36 Oh, it's bad.

9:37 Oh, it's Yeah, it's bad.

9:39 Does anybody know what today is?

9:44 Your birthday.

9:46 Happy birthday, Amy.

9:47 Happy birthday.

9:50 No.

9:50 Happy birthday, Amy.

9:51 May you live for another 45.

9:52 I'm not 45 and it's not my birthday.

9:56 It's employee appreciation day.

9:59 Everybody gets psyched.

10:01 We're going to have little special surprises all day long.

10:04 We've got ice cream.

10:06 We've got a masseuse and we've got Cloud9 frisbes for the kids.

10:10 And for those of you who want to join the union,

10:12 we've got collective bargaining rights, higher wages, and job security.

10:16 Sorry.

10:16 For the massages, should we be in like a towel or just totally buck naked?

10:20 Neither.

10:20 Fully clothed.

10:21 Clothe for the ice cream, too.

10:23 Yes.

10:24 Everybody keep their clothes on.

10:25 It's ridiculous how often I have to say that.

10:28 Speaking of clothes, who wants a free t-shirt?

10:36 You missed me.

10:37 I mean, I can't believe I'm saying

10:38 this, but Sandra's the only other grown-up here.

10:41 Actually, I am dressed up.

10:43 I'm you.

10:45 Shut up, Sandra.

10:47 Shut up, Sandra.

10:48 [laughter] Oh my god, that's so cool.

10:49 You're going to be twinsies.

10:51 No, we're not.

10:51 Wait, you guys should stand together all day.

10:54 I'm up for it.

10:55 Yeah, I'm going to find a costume to put on.

10:57 The customer can type in what they're looking for.

10:59 This will tell them where in the store to find it.

11:01 They can scan it themselves, swipe their credit card, and leave the store.

11:05 This is it.

11:05 The robots are coming for our jobs.

11:07 Are the scanners going to be listening to everything we say like our phones do?

11:10 Our phones do that?

11:12 Absolutely.

11:12 Last week, I was talking a lot about penis enlargement.

11:15 Now, it's like every ad I see.

11:16 Listen, technology has been taking jobs for years.

11:18 Think about what happened with bank tellers and ATM machines.

11:21 It's just ATMs.

11:22 Exactly.

11:22 It's only ATM machines now.

11:24 No, you don't need the machines.

11:25 Well, nobody needs the machines, but it makes our lives easier.

11:29 Oh, this is just the beginning.

11:30 What kind of job will be left for me 30 years from now?

11:37 Powerlifter, Zumba instructor.

11:40 Everyone, relax.

11:41 All right.

11:41 It's just a fancy price gun.

11:43 It's not a threat.

11:44 No one's getting replaced.

11:47 Yeah.

11:47 Yeah.

11:48 Uh, also, um, lastly,

11:51 [clears throat] corporate is asking us to cut back on some hours,

11:53 so maybe check the schedule.

11:54 Okay.

11:54 Have a nice day.

11:55 Some of you must be thinking, "Wow,

11:57 our manager sure looks different today." Just a little joke cuz,

12:01 you know, I'm taking over for Amy.

12:03 And oh, Jonah, I'm I'm sorry.

12:07 It's fine.

12:07 You can say her name.

12:08 I'm aware she still exists.

12:11 Okay.

12:11 Well, um, we need someone to replace me as floor supervisor.

12:16 So, if you're interested,

12:17 let me know cuz you know it it can lead to bigger things.

12:21 Just look at Amy.

12:25 Jonah,

12:26 it's fine.

12:27 Seriously.

12:28 No, no.

12:28 It's my first meeting and already I'm upsetting everyone and and now

12:33 I'm stressed and I promised Arushia that if this should happen,

12:36 I would remove myself from the situation twice.

12:43 They made him the manager twice.

12:46 We're launching curbside pickup today.

12:47 So, some of you are going to be working on that with Dina.

12:50 Okay.

12:50 Those on curbside with me are Sims,

12:53 McNeel, Thompson, Sikawitz, Vasquez, Bradley, Kuio, Colani.

12:57 So, you hired a whole outside team for this?

12:59 Those are our last names.

13:00 We have a Sikawitz.

13:01 That's me.

13:02 Wait, do you know Ricky Sickawitz?

13:04 He's my cousin.

13:05 What?

13:06 He's my cousin, too.

13:09 Oh, we should probably stop doing stuff.

13:13 Oh, yeah.

13:14 I was going to say that, too.

13:17 Okay.

13:17 So, everyone wash their hands.

13:19 Not just for kakas, but also for wee wee.

13:23 And if you need help wiping, well, just come see me.

13:27 Okay.

13:27 Obviously, that part is just for the children.

13:30 I was going to say wee we too.

13:32 [laughter] Who washes their hand after a wee wee?

13:35 Can we take Marcus off of produce, please?

13:38 Absolutely.

13:38 Glenn, I don't want to tell you how to parent,

13:40 but one of your kids is drawing on the back of Matteo's head.

13:45 What?

13:45 You You put them down, mister.

13:47 This is why you can't bring your kids to work.

13:50 It's just for a few hours.

13:51 I'm surprising Jerus fostered.

13:56 Obviously, we'll we'll photoshop in the prison ones.

14:00 What What is it?

14:00 What did you draw?

14:02 Uh, I don't think I can say in front of the kids, but you have one, but I don't.

14:10 But we both like them, and sometimes they're curved.

14:14 Turns out that very aggressive redhead who came in yesterday was not carrot top.

14:19 I know.

14:19 We've reviewed the tape several times and can't

14:22 in good conscience call it a match.

14:24 I'm sorry, guys.

14:24 I guess I just saw what I wanted to see.

14:27 But he posed for so many photos with me.

14:29 Next up, we're running short on reusable bags.

14:32 Oh, we can just use the ones under Matteo's eyes.

14:39 Savage.

14:38 Are you guys still beefing?

14:40 I'm honestly impressed with the commitment.

14:43 Now, we've noticed some of your masks are getting dingy.

14:45 Cheyenne will be handing out new protective equipment.

14:48 Based on her history, I wouldn't trust Cheyenne with protection.

14:52 Oh, I may be a teen mom,

14:55 but at least I don't look like someone put a Pixar character into a microwave.

15:01 Well, you'd be DreamWorks, Please stop.

15:08 [music] Out of the breaking out of