I Sent These Brooklyn 99 Moments to My Dad and He Said 👍

0:00 Wait, please don't leave.

0:01 This cost me so much money.

0:05 I am so sorry.

0:06 He's walking out just like your father did.

0:10 Wait a minute.

0:11 I didn't tell you about that.

0:12 Didn't have to.

0:14 You are good.

0:16 My dad's coming into town and we're going out to dinner tonight.

0:19 Why are you going to dinner with him?

0:20 He hasn't visited you in 6 years.

0:22 Yeah, he's busy.

0:22 He's an airline pilot.

0:24 Regional airline.

0:24 He flies internationally.

0:26 Go back to Albany.

0:27 What is going on here?

0:28 What's your problem with my dad?

0:29 I'm just being wary.

0:30 He left you when you were seven.

0:32 He's been letting us down ever since.

0:34 Us?

0:34 I think of you as a brother, Jake.

0:35 So, he didn't just abandon you.

0:37 He abandoned us.

0:38 Look, I know he hasn't been the best dad in the past, but he's changed.

0:41 Check it out.

0:41 We've been texting.

0:43 New phone.

0:43 Who this?

0:44 No.

0:44 Below that.

0:45 See, he's coming into town just to see me.

0:47 All right.

0:48 We're going to go out to dinner tonight.

0:49 Then maybe take a walk through the park.

0:50 Possibly a carriage ride.

0:52 If I get chilly, he could loan me his coat.

0:54 I'm describing a date.

0:55 I don't know what fathers and sons do, but I'm going to find out.

0:58 I apologize, Marshall Boon, for Detective Peralta's actions.

1:01 Something I find myself doing quite frequently.

1:03 In my defense, I was the only one saying we SHOULD STOP HITTING.

1:07 STOP HITTING THEM.

1:08 KICKING THEM WILL HURT MORE.

1:11 I

1:11 Okay, I'm a reasonable man, so I'm just going to say this.

1:15 Fire Peralta immediately.

1:17 He started a fight.

1:18 He overstepped his jurisdiction and he's obsessed with this pizza place.

1:22 What I'm obsessed with is how you're bungling this investigation.

1:24 They should write a song about it called Welcome to the Bungle.

1:27 Seriously, why are you dragging S's pizza through the mud?

1:30 That place is special.

1:31 Why is it special?

1:32 Because it's the best pizza in the neighborhood.

1:35 Well,

1:34 according to Charles's email blast, it's actually number eight.

1:37 Captain Reads my blast.

1:38 Of course, it's the only one that measures mouthfield.

1:40 What are you kidding right now?

1:41 This isn't about pizza.

1:42 What's it actually about?

1:46 When I was a kid, I was shortstop on my little league team.

1:49 Oh my god.

1:49 It's the truth.

1:50 It's not a brag.

1:52 My dad was the coach, and after every game, he would take the team to Sal.

1:55 Halfway through our last season, he left me and my mom.

1:58 And the worst part about it was that I couldn't go with him to SL's anymore.

2:03 Well, that's certainly not what I expected this to be about.

2:07 I'm sorry.

2:09 I'm sorry that happened to you.

2:11 I mean, WHAT KIND OF DAD just just leaves his son like that?

2:16 Look, you're you're a cop and and I'm a firefighter,

2:20 but underneath all of it, we're just two boys whose dads abandoned them.

2:26 And you and I, we're going to solve this thing together.

2:30 Okay.

2:33 Okay.

2:32 Okay.

2:32 But first, let's hug like this is happening.

2:39 Captain, get in here.

2:42 They're there.

2:44 There, there, there.

2:47 I'm coming in.

2:48 Oh, boy.

2:50 Oh, must be your birthday surprise.

2:53 You got me the 86 Mets.

2:54 Be warned, a lot of them turned out to be drug addicts,

2:57 so this could be a bummer.

2:59 You ready?

3:02 Hey, buddy.

3:03 Happy birthday,

3:06 Dad.

3:07 What are you doing here?

3:08 I wanted to surprise you.

3:10 Yeah.

3:11 Well, I am surprised that you know it's my birthday.

3:15 Actually, Jake, your father and I are uh seeing each other again.

3:22 Oh, wow.

3:23 That's that's so interesting.

3:28 Oh, all right, sir.

3:31 I'm sorry that I got in the middle of your family business,

3:34 but I'm afraid I have to get in the middle of it again.

3:36 Look, I don't talk about this a lot,

3:38 but I actually have had a difficult relationship with one of my parents.

3:41 Yeah, it's your father.

3:42 You talk about it obsessively.

3:43 Well, I wouldn't say obsessively.

3:44 I mean, sure, there are times where I wish he was there for me more.

3:47 But, right.

3:48 Sorry.

3:48 You look in my experience,

3:49 the best thing to do in these types of situations is just talk about it.

3:52 That's not the relationship my mother and I have.

3:55 We're not open like that.

3:57 Really?

3:57 Because you're open with me?

3:58 Only because you ask me annoying, intrusive, personal questions all the time.

4:02 Exactly.

4:02 You need to do that.

4:03 Be the Jake in the conversation.

4:05 You want me to just say cowabanga mom?

4:07 Yes, that would be awesome.

4:08 Well, it's not going to happen.

4:09 Alas, we are not cowabanga people.

4:16 Dismissed.

4:15 The Santiago are here.

4:17 Felise Thanksgiving.

4:19 How was the trip in?

4:20 The flight must have been awful.

4:21 This holiday is the worst.

4:22 We just press pause on that and maybe get some pants.

4:25 Fine.

4:25 Put on some pants.

4:28 Thanks.

4:28 Maybe we could play a game.

4:29 No, no games.

4:30 My dad gets super competitive.

4:31 He used to flip out on me when I beat him at Adult Clue.

4:34 It was the only board game he had at his condo.

4:36 All the murder weapons were sex toys.

4:38 Oh, okay.

4:39 You know what?

4:39 Actually, my dad is super competitive, too.

4:41 It's bad.

4:42 He got kicked off a bird watching tour once.

4:44 Look, a king fisher.

4:45 No, no, no, no, no.

4:46 That's the same bird I saw earlier.

4:48 That doesn't count.

4:50 Yikes.

4:51 All right, so it's agreed.

4:52 We steer clear of all competition.

4:53 Why can't there be some magic potion that makes

4:55 everyone happy and have fun all the time?

4:59 Who wants some alcohol?

5:02 We didn't have fathers.

5:04 because divorce.

5:05 Peroto, I will not give you a cool

5:07 half mill because you had a slightly sad childhood.

5:10 Go solve your housing crisis.

5:12 So again, your alibi is a mysterious stranger handed you the gun,

5:17 made you put your prince on it, robbed the store,

5:20 and then hid the gun in your underpants.

5:22 Well, yeah.

5:22 If you say it like that, it don't sound believable.

5:25 Oh, hey, Captain.

5:26 Did you get my report on the Finley murder?

5:27 Uh, yeah.

5:28 I looked it over.

5:28 Nice work.

5:29 Good.

5:29 Thanks, Dad.

5:33 Why is everyone staring at me?

5:35 You just called Captain Hold Dad.

5:37 You said thanks, Dad.

5:38 What?

5:38 No, I didn't.

5:39 I said, "Thanks, man."

5:40 Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?

5:42 No.

5:42 If anything, I see you as a father figure cuz you're always bothering me.

5:46 Hey, show your father some respect.

5:48 I didn't call him dad.

5:50 No, no, no, no.

5:50 Jacob, I take it as a compliment.

5:53 It's not a big deal.

5:54 I called Vivian mom once and she's my fianceé.

5:57 Guys, jump on that.

5:58 Boil has psychosexual issues.

6:00 Old news.

6:01 But you calling Holt daddy.

6:03 Hey, daddy is not on the table here.

6:05 But you did call him dad.

6:06 Dude,

6:07 you shut up.

6:07 You've done nothing but lie since you got here.

6:09 All right.

6:09 All right.

6:09 I was lying about the hold up, but the dad thing that happened.

6:13 He admitted that his alibi was a lie.

6:15 It was a trap.

6:16 All part of my crazy, devious plan.

6:20 I believed you.

6:21 Thank you,

6:22 son.

6:23 You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?

6:27 I'd like that.

6:30 Did they bring out more sausage while I was in the bathroom?

6:33 No, that's still the first mountain.

6:34 Good lord.

6:36 Anyways, do you remember what you always did

6:38 when you take me to dinner as a kid?

6:39 Tell the waitress it was your birthday so we get a free dessert.

6:42 I already did it.

6:43 I just told him it was your birthday.

6:45 Come on.

6:46 Looks like we're going to get two free probably disgusting sausage fil desserts.

6:50 This is pretty fun, right?

6:51 I mean, we're actually bonding.

6:53 Jake, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.

6:55 Last week I was flying into Albany from Quebec.

6:58 You know how I always keep my snowboard with me in case I get a chance to carve?

7:02 He's so cool.

7:03 Well, Canadian customs found some prescription meds in my board bag.

7:06 They're accusing me of smuggling.

7:09 What?

7:08 Yeah, I have no idea how they got in there.

7:10 No, not mine.

7:10 But it's it's bad.

7:12 I could lose my pilot's license.

7:14 But you're the best pilot in the world,

7:16 I'm guessing, without knowing anything about the field.

7:18 I'm really in a bind here, Jake.

7:19 I need your help.

7:22 That's actually the reason I'm here.

7:27 Oh.

7:27 That's the reason.

7:29 Happy sausage birthday to both of you.

7:36 I'm going to go down there and I'm going

7:37 to express my concerns to her in a calm, rational manner.

7:41 What are you doing, Mom?

7:43 He's evil.

7:46 Okay, I got your favorite cake.

7:49 Blue.

7:49 I'm not hungry.

7:51 It's a figure of speech.

7:52 Obviously, I'll have some.

7:53 You know, I don't think our guest Amy really wants to talk about this.

7:57 Jake, can we just move on?

8:00 Yes.

8:00 Maybe we could talk about someone we all admire.

8:03 President Jimmy Carter.

8:05 When I think of the great

8:07 So, how serious is it?

8:08 H Have you guys kissed?

8:10 Has he stayed the night?

8:11 Has he brought you a chocolate orange from the airport?

8:13 Cuz that's his big move.

8:15 Jake, your mother and I have been seeing each other for 3 months.

8:18 Yo, you know what?

8:18 I throw up in your face.

8:20 I know that you're angry, but when I was here last year,

8:25 you really showed me what a selfish jerk I was.

8:28 You're the reason that all of this is happening.

8:31 Yeah, but I didn't want this.

8:32 I just wanted you to text me a dumb dad joke every 6 months.

8:35 I can do that.

8:36 Just give me your number.

8:37 You didn't save my number.

8:39 Now, Jake, look, I know every mistake your father has made,

8:42 and he says they are all in the past.

8:45 Now, just blow out your candles.

8:49 Okay, great.

8:49 Great idea, Mom.

8:50 I'll blow out my birthday candles.

8:58 I wish that you would leave.

9:01 Damn it.

9:01 I shouldn't have said it out loud.

9:02 Now it won't come true.

9:04 Hey, Jakey.

9:05 Roger.

9:05 Peralta, prepare to hug and cry.

9:08 This is your father, Dad.

9:12 You son of a Oh, no.

9:16 I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?

9:23 Okay, I'll be nice.

9:24 Wish you were dead.

9:25 You lousy son of a

9:27 You said you were going to be nice.

9:28 I lied so I could say the son of a thing.

9:33 Dad.

9:31 Okay.

9:32 Your grandson would like us to make peace.

9:36 So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history of the world,

9:39 even worse than fathers who chain their children in basement?

9:42 I do not.

9:43 That's on him.

9:43 I tried.

9:44 I really don't think you did.

9:45 Jake, you don't get it.

9:46 He's a heartless jerk.

9:47 When I was in high school, I almost died.

9:49 He didn't even visit me in the hospital.

9:51 Okay, so maybe start by asking him to apologize for that.

9:53 No, he should apologize to me for being in the hospital.

9:57 I'm starting to see the heartless thing now.

9:59 Growing up, he had a boat.

10:00 Meant everything to him.

10:02 He named it Walter after himself.

10:04 He was the child I never had.

10:06 I WAS THE CHILD you did have.

10:08 Anyway, one day I took Walter Jr.

10:09 out for a spin.

10:10 I was trying to impress one of the late girls before I met your mom.

10:14 I was a bit of a ladies man.

10:15 Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.

10:17 He's always been a flooy.

10:19 It was dark.

10:19 I crashed into the dock.

10:21 I woke up in the hospital.

10:22 How was the girl?

10:23 Flexible, man.

10:24 She could put her leg totally

10:25 No, I was after the accident.

10:27 Oh, right.

10:27 No, she's totally unheard.

10:28 Thank goodness.

10:29 But I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and Admiral ass never visited me once.

10:34 I warned you not to take the boat out.

10:36 You make mistakes, you got to accept the consequences.

10:39 I'm your son and Walter WAS MY DAUGHTER.

10:42 OKAY, BOTH OF YOU STOP.

10:43 You're acting like children.

10:44 You know what?

10:45 That's it.

10:45 If you're going to act like kids, then I'm going to act like a parent.

10:49 Cry hard with a vengeance.

10:51 Yeah, it's Bruce Willis's book about parenting and we're going to read it

10:54 like with my dad.

10:55 He doesn't need me to prove to him

10:57 that Jake Peralta is the best cop in the precinct.

10:59 He knows it.

11:01 Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

11:02 This is your captain speaking.

11:03 That's my dad.

11:04 The captain talking right now.

11:05 I came out of his body.

11:07 No big deal.

11:08 We're headed for an ontime arrival in Drummondville, Quebec.

11:11 Folks, this is a special flight for me because sitting in seat 3B is my son,

11:15 Jake Peralta, one of New York's finest.

11:20 Thanks, Dad.

11:20 Love you, too.

11:22 Look, we've been busting our asses the whole weekend

11:24 to try and get you back to New York in time.

11:26 And for what?

11:26 Is it all just a lie?

11:28 Is there even a commissioner's meeting?

11:29 Are you even Captain Hull?

11:30 Do you even have a dog named Cheddar?

11:32 There's a commissioner's meeting, and I do have a dog named Cheddar.

11:34 Then why'd you do it?

11:37 I'm compromised.

11:39 I made a decision a while ago and now some people are holding it over my head.

11:44 I'm afraid of what they'll ask me to do if I become commissioner.

11:47 You're compromised?

11:49 How did this happen, Mr.

11:50 Prevailing Traffic and Road Conditions?

11:52 It doesn't matter.

11:53 Sheamus Murphy.

11:56 What?

11:56 Sheamus Murphy, the gangster.

11:57 He offered me info that would get you

11:59 and Rosa out of prison in exchange for a favor.

12:01 And Hol told me to turn it down because he said it was too risky.

12:05 You didn't turn it down, did you, Captain?

12:07 No, I did not.

12:09 Wait, so you risked everything to get me and Rose out of prison?

12:14 Oh my god.

12:14 You did all of this for us?

12:18 I love you, Din.

12:20 Dapton, it's a cool new way of saying Captain.

12:22 It's from the world of hip hop.

12:23 Love you.

12:24 There's only one way I'm going to get my dad alone.

12:26 You have to tell my mom that you need to speak with her in private.

12:29 About what?

12:29 I barely know her.

12:31 Tell her you're plugged up and you need a laxative.

12:33 What?

12:34 No.

12:34 What?

12:34 I'm not going to say that.

12:36 Okay, here's the plan.

12:37 I'll drop the bomb during charades.

12:38 I'll just tell him I know about Sheila with my body.

12:45 Um, Fast uh Fast Fast and Furious.

12:47 Magic Mike.

12:50 I don't know.

12:50 Uh, crying game.

12:52 I don't know.

12:56 Time.

12:56 Oh, Canada, you home of crappy cops.

13:02 Guess who just freed his dad from Canadian prison

13:05 and slammed six free mimosas on the first class flight home?

13:08 Son's the juice.

13:09 Spoiler alert, it was Jake.

13:11 It was me.

13:11 So, turns out my dad's side piece framed him.

13:14 She was hella pissed cuz she found out

13:15 about his real girlfriend and his other side piece.

13:18 So, yeah.

13:19 Turns out my dad is a great guy after all.

13:22 And in celebration of my freedom, I'm taking everybody out tonight.

13:25 Drinks are on me.

13:29 Where's Skully?

13:30 Skully?

13:31 Oh no.

13:31 Who?

13:37 Babe, our parents are vibing hard.

13:39 I know.

13:40 Drinking just makes people get along better.

13:42 Do you think if I got my parents drunk every day when I was a kid,

13:44 they would stay together and we would had a happy family?

13:46 Probably, right?

13:48 Yeah.

13:47 I'd like to say a few words.

13:49 Camila and I are thrilled to welcome you into our family.

13:53 So allow me to be the first to bless this union with a toast.

13:57 To Jake and Amy.

13:59 To Jake and Jake and Amy.

14:00 Oh, thanks, Dad.

14:01 That was really sweet.

14:02 I have a toast, too.

14:03 Oh, Karen and I would like to welcome you into our family

14:08 and allow me to be the first to say that we love you.

14:12 To Jake and Amy, congratulations to Jake and Amy.

14:15 Good, Amy.

14:15 Thanks, Dad.

14:16 I like to go again.

14:17 Oh, they're getting competitive.

14:18 Yeah, it goes without saying I love you both.

14:21 You didn't say it.

14:21 And I just like to add,

14:22 if there's anything you ever need, the Santiago are here for you.

14:26 DJ and Amy.

14:28 Round two.

14:28 Oh, that seems like plenty.

14:29 Dad, you know, if Victor gets too toast, then I do, too.

14:33 I would like to go one step further and say

14:35 that if there is anything that you need or want,

14:39 the Peraltas are there for you.

14:41 That doesn't sound like a better offer than mine.

14:43 Yeah, it is.

14:43 It's it's it's it's a lot better than yours.

14:48 Jake, I'll give you my grandfather's watch.

14:50 You are now a Santiago.

14:52 I would like to pay for the wedding.

14:53 Amy, you are now my daughter.

14:55 What?

14:55 I win to Jake and Amy.

14:58 Oh no.

14:59 There are downsides to alcohol.

15:01 Hey Hank, when you see my dad walk in, can

15:04 you dim the lights and play We Are the Champions?

15:06 No.

15:06 I don't know what your dad looks like.

15:07 I don't have the song.

15:08 The lights aren't on dimmer.

15:10 Oh no.

15:11 It's okay Jake.

15:12 You give me the signal.

15:13 I'll start unscrewing bulbs.

15:14 No.

15:14 My dad just texted.

15:16 HE'S NOT COMING.

15:17 TO JAKE.

15:18 DAD.

15:24 YEP.

15:23 How about this?

15:24 Dad, just name one happy memory that you have with Grandpa.

15:27 And don't say the memory you're going to have at his funeral.

15:30 All right.

15:30 When I was eight, uh,

15:31 he was on shore leave and we played catch in the yard and that was fun.

15:37 Hey, there you go.

15:38 That was great.

15:39 And grandpa, is there a happy memory you want to share?

15:42 Well, can I pick the catch thing, too?

15:44 Yeah, sure.

15:45 Because that was really a nice time.

15:46 While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.

15:49 Yeah, he broke his arm.

15:50 You could see the bone.

15:52 Do you remember when we would ski?

15:54 The guy fell off the lift and busted his leg.

15:55 And you could see the bone.

15:57 It's just like sticking right out of the skin and he's like screaming.

16:00 We were laughing.

16:02 Oh, it was beautiful.

16:03 God, I hope somebody found him.

16:04 Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

16:07 My dad and my grandpa are actually getting along.

16:09 They've been catching up non-stop.

16:10 Aunt Millie, dead.

16:12 Uncle Thomas, dead.

16:13 Aunt Janet, dead.

16:14 Uncle Dean, gay.

16:15 Ooh, good for him.

16:16 What about Aunt Lent?

16:18 Dead.

16:18 Apparently, there was a fire at the family reunion.

16:20 Lucky for my uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event.

16:22 Wow.

16:23 Dark.

16:25 Yeah.

16:24 Well, I'm glad everything's working out.

16:26 Oh, I got to go.

16:27 Love you.

16:27 Bye.

16:28 Actually, I got to go, too.

16:29 So, and I think we have to help Kyle.

16:34 Good.

16:34 I'm proud of you.

16:37 Oh, yeah.

16:39 Sorry.

16:39 I just said you're proud of me.

16:41 That's my tear trigger.

16:43 All right.

16:43 Let's go save Kyle before the damn breaks.

16:46 Okay, fine.

16:47 You want to know why I really don't want to have children?

16:50 I had a crappy dad.

16:52 I know what happens when you mess up as a parent.

16:54 It's not great.

16:56 And this may come as a shock to you,

16:58 but I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.

17:01 Me, it

17:02 Yeah, but not just him.

17:03 It's every male authority figure for my entire life.

17:06 Hey, Jake, can you move Legends of the Fall from new releases into drama?

17:09 You got it, Dad.

17:10 Craig was only 6 weeks older than me.

17:12 Since this has become about me,

17:13 I'm going to have to abstain from this round as well.

17:15 But Kevin is still standing by.

17:16 Actually, I feel as though your personal

17:18 relationship with Peralta affects me, too.

17:20 Luckily, I had Gail standing by as well.

17:22 Oh my god, you guys know Gail.

17:24 Who's Gail?

17:24 Vice President of the Debaters Club.

17:26 This is a very big deal.

17:27 Do you need to hear my credentials?

17:28 License number U, as in uniform 7.

17:31 No, no more credentials.

17:32 Please, I don't want to have a structured debate.

17:34 It's an idiotic way to decide something.

17:36 What?

17:36 How dare you?

17:37 Is he insane?

17:38 Raymond, Kevin, I'll be reporting this.

17:40 Okay, look, Amy, I'm scared.

17:43 Okay.

17:44 I'm scared that we're gonna have a child and I won't be able to handle it.

17:47 I'm scared that I'm not going to be a good father.

17:48 And I'm scared that I'll make a mistake I can't take back.

17:52 Jake, I get it.

17:53 I'm scared, too.

17:54 Every other big decision I've made in my life, I was sure about becoming a cop,

17:58 asking you to marry me, buying those Jordan ones for $500.

18:01 Wait, you spent $500 on sneakers?

18:03 Yeah, they were so cool.

18:04 And if I had never worn them, they would have kept their value.

18:06 So, they lost their value?

18:07 Yes, all of it.

18:08 I stepped in the puddle as soon as I left the store.

18:09 But this isn't about the Jordans.

18:11 This is about the fact that I don't want to bring a human being

18:14 into this world unless I'm 100% sure that I'm ready to take care of it.

18:18 Okay.

18:20 Too emotional.

18:21 Point to Amy.

18:22 Okay.

18:22 Gail is clearly biased.

18:23 I think we need a new moderator.

18:25 Bob Templeman here.

18:26 What?

18:26 How many people are on this phone call?

18:28 I didn't even think it was possible to put a cast on that part of my body.

18:33 That was Amy.

18:34 I hung up first.

18:35 Looks like things are still going great in here.

18:37 Yeah, they sure are.

18:38 Hey, Dad.

18:39 Me a beer.

18:39 Bring the heat.

18:42 No, no, no.

18:42 THIS EXTRA REAL CAKE.

18:43 NOBODY LOOK AT THE FLOOR.

18:44 NO ONE CAN SEE THE COLOR OF THE CAKE.

18:49 How long are we doing this?

18:50 What's the plan?

18:50 I don't know yet.

18:53 What happened?

18:54 We were so careful.

18:55 Here comes the map.

18:57 B.

18:58 This is hard.

18:59 I could use a beer.

19:02 Oh, you okay?

19:03 The cake was blue.

19:04 You're having a boy.

19:06 It's the curse.

19:07 No, no, no, no.

19:08 There's no curse.

19:09 Look, we can still fix this.

19:10 All we have to do is clean every inch of this room and then bake a gourmet cake.

19:14 No one can do all that in 2 hours.

19:16 Wrong, Dad.

19:18 There is one who can.

19:22 Hello, fellas.

19:23 Let's get to work.

19:30 Jake, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the party.

19:33 I'm subbing for a buddy who's got an early flight.

19:36 I'm sure you're upset.

19:37 Actually, I'm not upset at all.

19:39 Not great.

19:41 No, more relieved.

19:43 You know, you were always my hero,

19:44 but I think I'm finally starting to see you for who you really are.

19:47 A regional airline pilot whose landings are bumpy as hell

19:50 and a pretty selfish guy who genuinely doesn't care about being a dad.

19:54 Jake, you don't understand.

19:57 There was a downdraft on the Drummondville runway.

20:00 Oh, wow.

20:01 It's not my fault.

20:02 Yeah, clearly.

20:04 Look, I've been making excuses for you my whole life.

20:07 But you're a pretty crappy father.

20:10 And until you're ready to be a good one, don't call me.

20:13 Also, I'm taking your captain hat because it's cool and I want it.

20:24 You know, in a weird way, I'm going to miss our little house.

20:26 Yes.

20:26 And in an even weirder way, I think I might actually miss you.

20:29 Oh, and in an even weirder way, I want you guys to be my dad's.

20:33 That is weirder.

20:34 Yeah, I got stuff.

20:36 Nice job in Quebec.

20:37 I bet the local cops weren't happy you showed them up.

20:40 Yeah, well, maybe not at first, but by the end,

20:41 they kept calling me a real batard, which I can only assume means hero.

20:46 It means bastard, but that's only because they were jealous.

20:48 You did good work.

20:50 Here.

20:51 Is this an allowance?

20:52 Are you giving me an allowance?

20:54 No, I'm paying the bartender for more drinks.

20:56 Oh, right.

20:58 I'm proud of you.

21:02 This is a nightmare.

21:03 This is worse than my sixth birthday party when I caught

21:05 my dad making out with a female clown in the bounce house.

21:08 Go.

21:08 My dad is the worst.

21:09 I know.

21:09 He's ruining the whole day.

21:12 Yeah, but you know, don't just blame my dad.

21:15 You literally just said he's the worst.

21:17 I know.

21:17 It's okay when I say it.

21:18 You have to pretend like he's cool.

21:19 Those are the rules.

21:19 Plus, you got to admit your parents were being a little condescending.

21:23 Why?

21:23 Because they asked what was in the dip that seemed to be just mayo.

21:26 All dip is just mayo.

21:27 Yes.

21:27 But no, what I was referring to is

21:29 the fact that your mom brought her own hand towels.

21:31 As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing they had guests coming over.

21:34 Did she?

21:35 No, you don't have to.

21:36 They're only touched by freshly clean hands.

21:37 They never get dirty.

21:38 Wow.

21:39 The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far from the unhygienic tree.

21:42 Did you just call my mom a tree?

21:43 I called her an unhygienic tree.

21:45 Wow.

21:45 Wow.

21:47 Wow.

21:47 If he wants to pursue his dream and it doesn't work out, that's not on you.

21:50 He made his choice.

21:52 Yeah.

21:52 Yeah, you're right.

21:52 You know, no blood on my hands.

21:54 I just need to let him do his thing.

21:56 Terry.

21:57 Hey, what?

21:58 So, what did you think of my song?

22:03 I loved how loud it was.

22:05 Thank you.

22:05 I wouldn't have had the courage to do it without you.

22:07 Sure, I daydream about it all the time,

22:09 but being a single dad, I always check it out.

22:11 You I have a kid.

22:13 I have kids.

22:14 Three under three.

22:15 Oh, fun.

22:16 Hey, unrelated.

22:18 Uh, what's your financial situation like?

22:20 Do you have savings to fall back on?

22:21 Uh, do you come from wealth or

22:23 No, no, no.

22:24 But that's not going to stop my dream.

22:30 Sick pipes, bride.

22:30 Good luck, out there.

22:33 Hey, Karen, can I talk to you for a second in private?

22:35 I'm a little plugged up.

22:37 Oh, well, say no more.

22:40 I have an entire cabinet devoted just to that.

22:43 Wow.

22:43 TMI, you guys.

22:48 Oh, man.

22:48 This is so much fun.

22:50 Thanks for giving me a second chance, buddy.

22:53 Second chance.

22:54 Are you seriously not getting what I'm charading down at you?

22:57 That was you and Sheila Bodton humping it up in the back of our car.

23:01 What?

23:01 I Yeah, that's right.

23:03 I saw you.

23:03 I saw your weird dad butt and I saw her aquamarine

23:06 leotard bunched up around your ankles and scar me for life.

23:09 I'm sorry.

23:09 I I didn't know you saw that.

23:11 Yeah, well I did.

23:12 And I never told Mom about it, but I swear to you I will.

23:14 Unless you leave right now.

23:16 Should be easy for you since it's your favorite

23:17 thing to do aside from humping it up with ladies.

23:20 You think I'm way more sexually active than I am?

23:23 I've only had sex with like 400 women.

23:26 What?

23:26 400?

23:27 Oh my god.

23:28 Is that a lot?

23:29 I mean, all my friends are pilots.

23:31 I'm on the low end of average.

23:33 Listen, I don't want to hurt your mother.

23:35 Please don't tell her about Sheila.

23:39 Fine, I won't.

23:41 Provided you leave right now.

23:44 Your move, white devil.

23:47 No, I didn't steal your pie either.

23:49 I lied about the gym because I was still

23:51 trying to find a Perry to Parrot for Ava.

23:54 I forgot it was her birthday coming up by the time

23:56 I realized the dump toy was all sold out.

23:59 I just didn't want you guys to know what a horrible dad I really am.

24:04 Well, now we do.

24:05 Boil.

24:06 Nicol is a picky eater.

24:07 I lied about his pallet.

24:09 All he drinks is milk.

24:11 All he eats is buttered noodles.

24:13 And perhaps my walnut pie.

24:15 I wish he hates nuts.

24:16 My son is a basic Well, well, well.

24:21 Look who's trying to skip town.

24:23 You told me to.

24:25 Right.

24:26 Look, I talked to mom and I just want her to be happy.

24:31 So, can we go back to my birthday party now?

24:34 I'd love that, son.

24:38 This is nice.

24:39 If you screw this up and hurt her in any way,

24:41 I will throw you in jail for the rest of your life.

24:43 And I can do that now, Dad.

24:44 So, do not test me.

24:48 Okay.

24:51 I still like the hug even though you used it to threaten me.

24:55 Yeah.

24:55 Well, I kind of liked threatening you, so come on.

25:01 Shall we carve the turkey?

25:02 Get this dinner started?

25:03 I'm an excellent carver.

25:05 Allow me.

25:06 Think I can carve the turkey after all is

25:08 my house sitting right here in front of me.

25:10 We have two turkeys.

25:12 You can both carve one?

25:14 Yes.

25:14 Thank goodness for the second turkey.

25:16 A very normal thing to have brought.

25:17 This is actually very good because now

25:19 everybody could see who cuts the turkey better.

25:21 You're on.

25:23 Wow.

25:24 Really mature.

25:25 You're just saying that because you know my dad's going to win.

25:27 As if.

25:28 Hey, Roger.

25:28 You like jokes?

25:29 Here's one.

25:30 I'd hate to be a passenger on one of your flights

25:32 if you fly as slow as you cut a turkey.

25:34 Riddle me this, Victor.

25:35 Who sucks at carving turkey thinks the rum is good when it's bad?

25:39 You up top, Jake.

25:42 Joyous.

25:41 Uh, Camila, did you put your stuffing in my ceramic?

25:44 I thought it was a bull.

25:46 It's artinko.

25:48 What does that mean?

25:49 What did she say?

25:49 She said it was a bowl.

25:50 But you didn't know I understood Spanish.

25:52 Very impressive.

25:53 You learned that from one of your mistresses.

25:55 Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

25:57 Sounds like someone's jealous.

25:57 I bet you never even had sex.

25:59 Oh, I've had sex.

26:00 And I'm actually pretty good, Camila.

26:02 The best.

26:03 Oh, what is happening right now?

26:05 Roger's really good at sex, too.

26:07 I'm so grossed out.

26:08 You know what?

26:09 I'm sick of you looking down your nose at us.

26:12 I know that Peraltas aren't perfect, but we don't look down on other people.

26:16 I mean, you come into our home and you act like we're idiots.

26:18 Well, we're not idiots.

26:20 In fact, I just cut my thumb off.

26:22 What?

26:22 I just cut my thumb off.

26:28 I think it's it's bad.

26:30 Did you guys bake that cake?

26:32 Well, we just You could say that,

26:37 Jake.

26:37 Okay, fine.

26:38 Yes, we baked it.

26:38 I'm so sorry.

26:39 I'll explain everything later.

26:40 Dad, please stop cutting the cake.

26:42 I'm trying to find a good slice.

26:43 There is no good slice.

26:45 You screwed it up.

26:46 You're a screw-up.

26:46 Yeah.

26:46 Well, if I'm a screw- up, it's cuz you screwed me up, you screw up.

26:50 Screw you.

26:50 I'm leaving.

26:51 Wait, wait.

26:51 No, don't go.

26:52 We reverse the curse.

26:53 Don't reverse the curse.

26:54 Reverse.

26:55 Actually, Jake, I'm going to No.

26:57 Why would you go?

26:58 I need to go to the hospital.

26:59 I cut my thumb off again.

27:01 The other one.

27:04 Oh, god.

27:07 Get the dino bites.

27:09 I've been thinking and I do want to have kids with you.

27:17 You're not scared anymore?

27:18 Oh, no.

27:18 I am so scared.

27:20 Maybe even more so than before.

27:21 But I was scared in there with Pam, too.

27:23 And you know, I didn't panic or mess anything up there.

27:26 If anything, I was sharper and I was a freaking debate genius.

27:29 Debate genius.

27:30 Oh, that's very hot.

27:32 Oh, that's an added bonus.

27:34 Okay, keep that energy up.

27:35 But the point that I was actually trying to make

27:37 is maybe it's a good thing that I'm scared of fatherhood.

27:41 You know, maybe it'll turn me into a friaking dad genius.

27:47 But we don't have to start trying right away, right?

27:49 I mean, I don't know that I'm all the way there yet.

27:52 No, of course not.

27:54 Whenever we're both ready.

27:56 You can be a great dad.

27:57 Your son's going to love you.

28:02 Thanks.

28:02 And I think you're going to make a real good grandpa.

28:05 Hey, who's got two surgically reattached thumbs and is super proud of his son.

28:11 Oh, you don't have to.

28:12 THIS GUY.

28:14 AH, SOMEONE told me she's a pill popper.

28:16 Papa.

28:16 Well, she's not lying about her resume.

28:18 Did you know the Rock's character in Fast and Aurious was based on her?

28:22 Hobbs or Shaw?

28:24 She's not a Hobbs or a Shaw.

28:25 If anything, she's a Trevor.

28:27 That's the guy my mom dated after she divorced my dad.

28:29 This is all about your daddy issues.

28:30 stepdaddy issues.

28:31 This is a new thing.

28:32 I'm complicated.

28:33 Anyways, Trevor seemed perfect, too.

28:35 You know, he was nice to my mom.

28:36 He drove a limousine.

28:37 He would take us out to restaurants.

28:38 But then my mom caught him cheating and we never saw him again.

28:41 So, it turns out when people are too good to be true, they are.

28:44 It's Raymond Hol.

28:46 Oh, it's dad.

28:47 I mean, Captain Halt.

28:49 I mean, Captain Dad.

28:50 I mean, Officer Holt.

28:51 I mean, Officer Dad.

28:52 Yep, that was it.

28:53 Officer Dad.

28:54 I found Why'd you stop yelling?

28:59 Look.

29:02 Oh, thank God.

29:03 My wife and my dad are here.

29:05 I mean, Captain Dad.

29:06 I mean, I know who my dad is.

29:08 It's you.

29:08 Hi, Amy.

29:08 I can't see or hear anything.

29:10 I'll just be quiet from now on.

29:11 I might chime in with a yah here and there to stay in the mix.

29:14 Great.

29:14 The only way to get you to trust me is if you thought I was betraying Halt.

29:18 Yeah.

29:17 And now I have access to ALL YOUR PERSONAL CORRESPONDENTS,

29:21 including all Stingray authorizations.

29:23 It's over, Kelly.

29:24 You're done.

29:26 Okay.

29:26 You may have won this round, Matteline, but you're going to live to regret it.

29:30 You are both so gonna live to regret it.

29:32 I agree with what was just said.

29:34 Hey, Jake.

29:35 I'm just going to hold this down.

29:36 Yeah, sounds good.

29:36 Thank you.

29:37 When did you hatch this plan?

29:39 Peralta thought of it when I tried to quit the mission.

29:40 Hey, what's Hold's expression right now.

29:42 Would you describe it as proud daddy?

29:44 It's hard to tell.

29:45 He's still piecing it together.

29:46 This could take a while.

29:47 Why didn't you just tell me what was actually happening?

29:50 I wanted to, sir, but it involved trusting Maline W,

29:53 and I just didn't think you could handle it.

29:55 But I'm sorry that I lied to you, sir.

30:00 Sir.

30:01 Oh no.

30:01 Is he mad?

30:02 I can't see anything.

30:03 Did he storm out?

30:04 No.

30:04 I stormed in to tell you it was a great play.

30:08 Nice work, Peralta.

30:09 And there it is.

30:10 The proud daddy.

30:12 Why do we even have police horses anymore?

30:13 We have motorcycles now.

30:15 They're faster, cooler.

30:16 They also don't get boners in the background

30:18 of every photo of you and the mayor.

30:20 What do you mean?

30:20 Horse is a perfect partner.

30:22 tough, scary, and they don't show you 30

30:24 pictures of their kid dressed as Wario for Halloween.

30:26 I'm not talking about Nicolash.

30:28 I literally just showed you those pictures 5 minutes ago.

30:30 Really?

30:30 I don't remember that.

30:36 So, you're leaving?

30:38 That must have been a hard decision.

30:41 Honestly, it wasn't.

30:46 It's funny.

30:47 On my first day here, I asked Jeff to tell me about everyone.

30:51 Told me you were a great detective,

30:53 but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up.

30:57 Well, I think you finally figured it out.

31:04 Well, thank you, sir.

31:06 I couldn't have done it without you.

31:07 Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.

31:10 Did I?

31:11 I didn't realize that.

31:12 But I want you to know if I had had a son and uh he had turned out like you,

31:21 I would be very proud of him.

31:29 Thank you, sir.

31:33 Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.

31:35 It's not bad for an old robot, huh?

31:38 borep.

31:41 Sir, did you just make a joke?

31:42 I believe I did.

31:43 Yes.

31:44 I guess in the end we rubbed off on each other quite a bit.

31:48 Tyler, your sex movie.

31:51 Did I do that right?

31:53 It was perfect.