20 Mins of the Finest Stand Up Comedy | Live at the Apollo

0:00 Uh, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

0:02 If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

0:09 The fat one has asthma.

0:13 Is that even good?

0:15 No, we have a beautiful girl who we named after my mom.

0:18 In fact, passive-aggressive psycho turns 5 tomorrow.

0:25 [applause]

0:28 I think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos.

0:30 They made their choice.

0:34 I am happily married.

0:35 That's why I'm wearing the ring.

0:37 Oh.

0:38 Oh, it must have fallen off in that hooker's ass.

0:43 What am I like?

0:46 Anybody who's married knows what I'm talking about when I say

0:48 this, that you really find out about someone after you marry them.

0:51 Like, for example, my wife doesn't have a peanut allergy.

0:54 No, it turns out she has a penis.

0:59 [laughter] That's it.

0:58 She has a penis.

1:06 [laughter] My father was a man of few words.

1:07 I remember he used to say to me, "Son,

1:12 [laughter] get your trunks.

1:13 We're going to the library." I was addicted to rolling around

1:22 in pig[ __] I I've been clean for 2 years now.

1:27 No, I seldom do drugs.

1:29 I've only done ketamine.

1:34 [laughter] [laughter] Uh, my doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs.

1:46 How do I know?

1:47 Let's just say a little bird told me.

1:52 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

1:54 We'll see about that.

1:59 Another therapist says I have an overactive

2:01 imagination or something to that effect.

2:03 I was distracted by the tap-dancing chipmunks on his water cooler.

2:07 Yes, doctor.

2:10 [laughter] I understand, doctor.

2:11 Me and you and me and you Me and you OMG, that is so cute.

2:24 Do another song, would you?

2:25 Okay.

2:28 Me and my shadow, strolling down the avenue.

2:43 I was called immature today.

2:46 By my smelly wife.

2:50 So, I spit on her.

2:53 And now I'm lonely.

2:57 I'm Mr.

2:58 Lonely.

3:01 I have no body.

3:04 Oh, where am I now?

3:11 Three of you recognized it.

3:15 [applause] That was a tough note.

3:19 Some of you are looking at me thinking,

3:20 "Is this[ __] funny in Canada?" No, no, it's not.

3:25 That's why I'm here.

3:28 Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing.

3:31 You should never look down.

3:45 [laughter]

3:48 Sir?

3:49 You guys have been amazing.

3:51 Thank you very much, everyone.

3:56 [applause] [cheering] Don't you think it's crazy that Do you

3:59 understand the technology for us to hear the pilot?

4:04 I am actually utilizing it right now.

4:08 This is the technology for us to hear the pilot.

4:10 I don't know why we cannot hear There's no other

4:12 context where it's acceptable for us not to hear a person.

4:14 Why are you muffling?

4:16 If you were looking for an au pair for your kids

4:19 and a person came over to your house and said,

4:20 "Hey, man, what's your experience with the kids?"

4:23 And then they looked at you and went, [applause] [applause]

4:44 I think you need to get out of my house, sir.

4:51 [laughter]

4:51 Weird things happen in airplanes.

4:53 Weird things, like crazy things, bizarre things.

4:57 Like how bizarre would it be right now if someone

5:01 walked in here and started selling us watches and perfume?

5:06 Would that be the most bizarre thing?

5:08 But it happens all the time in airplanes.

5:10 No one's ever gone, "Huh, this is crazy." This is that English polite thing.

5:14 Oh, I've already got one, yeah.

5:17 I'm not looking at them.

5:18 I'm like, yeah.

5:22 [laughter] Not every airline should be selling watches, though.

5:27 Like Ryanair, no business selling watches.

5:31 You need the watch, Ryanair.

5:32 Your flight's 7 hours late.

5:37 And also, why am I buying a 400-lb watch on a 11-lb flight?

5:46 This makes no sense.

5:50 Yeah, being in London is cool.

5:52 I like being in London.

5:53 One of my favorite things about being in London is so much to do.

5:56 I I tried to buy a ticket online to watch Wimbledon.

5:59 Yeah, man.

6:01 The Wimbledon final.

6:02 I was like I was excited.

6:03 Went online.

6:04 IT WAS £3,000.

6:07 I was like, "What?" £3,000?

6:11 Okay.

6:12 I'm not saying I wouldn't pay £3,000.

6:17 Right?

6:18 I'm not saying I won't pay £3,000 for a for a Champions League finals ticket.

6:25 But I'm not paying £3,000 for a sport where someone is going to tell me,

6:30 "Quiet, please." Are you out of your mind?

6:34 For £3,000, there will be no quiet, please.

6:39 For £3,000, I'm rubbing my nipples center court.

6:45 ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

6:47 Three My brother, three thousand three thousand.

6:50 Oh, it's a lot of money.

6:53 Three thousand.

6:55 My brother, £3,000.

6:57 For £3,000, I should be able to whisper some advice in Roger Federer's ear.

7:04 Three thousand three thousand.

7:07 I should be able to walk into the court and say, "Sorry, Roger.

7:09 Come on.

7:10 Forearm.

7:10 Let's work on that.

7:11 Come Three My My brother, I don't three thousand.

7:18 For three For three thousand, I should be able to punch a ball boy in the face.

7:25 For three three thousand three three thousand.

7:31 I'd be walking across picking up a ball up.

7:35 I forgot to hit him in the nose.

7:37 He'd be so confused.

7:38 What was that for?

7:39 I'm like, "No, it's part of the package." If look carefully,

7:44 I can kick you in the balls.

7:49 [laughter] One of the major good things that's come

7:54 out of it is how we've embraced new technology.

7:57 Isn't it?

7:58 Cuz it's just unbelievable.

8:00 Who knew what Zoom was 2 years ago?

8:02 None of us.

8:03 Like last week, I had to do a speed awareness course online.

8:06 Now, you shouldn't be doing that on something called Zoom,

8:07 but that's the world WE'RE IN NOW.

8:10 IT'S THE WORLD we're in.

8:11 I've got a phone that can recognize my face.

8:15 That already makes it better than MY NAN.

8:18 COME ON.

8:21 I EMBRACE NEW TECHNOLOGY.

8:22 I DO.

8:22 CUZ COULD YOU imagine if this pandemic had happened like 30 years ago?

8:26 No internet, no Zoom, no Pornhub.

8:29 I don't know why I looked at you, sir, but I did.

8:33 Cuz I think we've forgotten, here in 2021,

8:35 we've forgotten what really being bored feels like.

8:40 Like proper proper bored.

8:42 Like my friend's little boy said the other day

8:43 he gets bored waiting for an app to load.

8:46 __] off, mate.

8:48 THAT IS NOT BOREDOM, IS IT?

8:50 I'M TALKING SUNDAY afternoon in the '80s.

8:52 That was boredom.

8:53 When it was raining, you'd read every book in the house.

8:56 I grew up in Maidstone, that's a Mills& Boon and an Argos catalog.

9:00 Your mum's watching something black and white on the only telly in the house.

9:04 So, you listen to your Walkman for a bit, but the batteries are dying.

9:06 So, Madonna's Like a Virgin sounds like Barry White singing it.

9:11 You can't go and buy more batteries, CAN YOU?

9:13 CAN'T, CUZ ALL the shops are shut.

9:14 And I mean all the shops are shut.

9:17 Even the petrol stations are shut.

9:18 And then when you think your day can't get any more tedious,

9:21 your dad would go, "Get in the car, everyone.

9:23 We're going to go and visit someone." That's what we do, isn't it?

9:27 ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN THE '80S,

9:28 we would visit people for no reason other than to ruin their day.

9:34 Do you know what?

9:35 Young people don't believe this when you tell

9:37 them we never told them we were coming.

9:41 Could you imagine doing that to someone today?

9:43 They'd be livid, wouldn't they?

9:45 We used to spend every Sunday with people wishing

9:47 that they'd told her to weed[ __] OFF, DIDN'T WE?

9:50 I'M RIGHT, AREN'T I?

9:51 THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO PHONED ahead in the 1980s were THE IRA.

9:55 FACT.

9:59 [applause] I WOULDN'T I WOULDN'T BE A teenager now, would you?

10:06 I wouldn't be a teenager now.

10:07 When I think of the things I did when I was a teenager,

10:09 the thought of that being on the internet forever makes me feel physically sick.

10:14 It does.

10:15 The way they have to communicate with each

10:17 other is something I just can't understand.

10:19 You know, sexting.

10:21 I couldn't write a sex.

10:22 I don't know what to put in a birthday card.

10:25 When I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for a boy,

10:28 I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mum.

10:32 You want to what, dear?

10:35 I'll leave you what?

10:38 Different times, isn't it?

10:39 Different times.

10:39 There was a boy I fancied at school.

10:40 I couldn't text him.

10:41 I'd write him a note, stick it in his school bag.

10:43 I'd make him a mixtape.

10:46 Write him a poem.

10:47 That's all we had, didn't we?

10:49 I genuinely think a 14-year-old girl today,

10:51 she would be more freaked out if you sent her a poem

10:53 than if you sent her a picture of your knob.

10:56 A POEM WOULD FREAK HER OUT MORE.

10:57 SHE'D BE WITH HER FRIENDS GOING, I mean,

10:59 it was like a song, but it wasn't a song.

11:03 And there was no[ __] in it.

11:07 Not even a bollock.

11:08 No.

11:09 Different times, you know.

11:11 Apparently, young people today,

11:12 they are most likely now to have their very first sexual experience online.

11:17 By FaceTime or Skype.

11:18 They're not even in the same room.

11:19 You've got one teenager in this house on their phone and the other teenager

11:22 in this house on their phone and that's

11:24 how they're having their first sexual experience.

11:27 And I just think, do you know what?

11:30 Getting fingered behind a caravan a fairground is not ideal.

11:37 But at least I was getting some fresh air.

11:43 I don't know how my mom coped with four children.

11:45 I can't cope with two.

11:47 And uh it was hard in lockdown, wasn't it?

11:49 It was hard.

11:50 And I think and and to know what to do with your children half the time.

11:55 People got really upset when the playgrounds got closed, not me.

12:00 [laughter] Delighted.

12:02 I hate playgrounds.

12:04 Have you been to a playground?

12:06 And if you don't have kids, what are you doing at a playground, mate?

12:08 What What what You might not know this if you don't have children,

12:15 but there is nothing for you to do there.

12:21 And they know they know that grown-ups are there.

12:23 They know that adults are there, but there's nothing for you to do there.

12:27 And you're not just there for a couple of hours,

12:29 you're there for days, weeks, months.

12:31 You're there for years of your life and you're

12:32 bored out of your bloody brain just thinking, "Jesus Christ,

12:36 has time stood still?" You'd think they'd create some

12:40 sort of makeshift shed is where they're selling neat gin,

12:43 but there's nothing nothing to distract you

12:45 from the tedium of being in a playground.

12:48 And for the first 2 years of your children's lives,

12:51 you have to follow them around these places because you don't want them to die.

12:55 So you're like, "Don't Please be careful

12:56 on the on the apparatus on the climbing Mama's here.

12:59 Mama Mama what happened?" Shoot, but you know what?

13:01 My children are six now, nearly seven.

13:02 You think, "Great.

13:04 YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF." PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE TO MY THOUGHTS.

13:11 BUT THEY DON'T, DO THEY?

13:12 THEY DON'T BECAUSE SOMEHOW WE'VE CREATED TWO LITTLE NARCISSISTS.

13:16 SO IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT THEY'RE UP AT SLIDES IF I'M NOT[ __] WATCHING THEM.

13:27 [applause] ALL YOU CAN HEAR IN THE PLAYGROUND IS THIS, "LOOK AT ME.

13:33 LOOK AT ME.

13:34 LOOK at me.

13:34 Look at me.

13:35 Look at me.

13:35 Look at me.

13:35 Look at me.

13:36 Look at me.

13:36 Look at me.

13:36 Look at me.

13:37 Look at me.

13:37 MAMA, LOOK AT ME.

13:38 LOOK AT ME.

13:38 LOOK at me.

13:38 Look at me.

13:39 Look at me.

13:39 Look at me.

13:39 Look at me.

13:40 Mama, I'm going to get on the slide.

13:41 I'm going to get on the slide.

13:41 Will you watch me get on the slide?" Mama's

13:43 going to watch you get on that slide, darling.

13:44 Oh, well done.

13:48 Really well done, darling.

13:49 That was absolutely wonderful.

13:50 "Mama, mama, mama, I'm going to get on the slide.

13:51 I'm going to get on the slide.

13:52 Will you watch me get on the slide?"

13:53 I'm watching you go down that slide, darling.

13:54 "I'm going to get on the slide.

13:54 Will you watch me get on the slide?" I am I am totally watching you.

13:56 "I'm going to get on the slide.

13:57 Will you watch me get on the slide?" I'm going to watch you go down the slide.

13:59 Oh, twice in a row.

13:59 How did you do that?

14:03 What an achievement.

14:05 Absolutely incredible, darling.

14:06 "Mama, mama, I'm going to get on the slide again.

14:07 I'm going to get on the slide again.

14:08 Will you watch me get on the slide?

14:09 Mama, you're going to watch me get on the slide.

14:10 I'm going to get on the slide again.

14:10 Will you watch me get on the slide?" I'll tell you what

14:12 MAMA'S GOING TO I WAS FILMING THE TRAFFIC AND BEFORE I KNEW IT,

14:31 I WAS surrounded by area boys.

14:33 These are the local gangsters in Lagos.

14:36 "Give me your camera.

14:37 We will kill you.

14:37 You cannot FILM US.

14:38 GIVE US THE CAMERA.

14:39 GIVE US THE CAMERA." AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, [screaming] HEY, I'M FROM HACKNEY.

14:45 GET OUT OF HERE." [applause] [applause]

14:54 I SAID, "RIGHT, DON'T MESS WITH ME." I KEPT MY CAMERA.

14:59 WELL, they got the camera.

15:00 I got the tape, but I got the tape.

15:06 I tell you, it's a hustle.

15:07 It's [laughter] a hustle to live there.

15:08 It's a hard place to live.

15:09 Like, you commit a murder in Nigeria, YOU WILL GET AWAY WITH IT.

15:16 YOU WILL.

15:18 AND I'll tell you why.

15:19 Cuz we ain't got no CSI in Nigeria.

15:25 The police turn up at a crime scene and they're like that, "OKAY,

15:28 THERE'S A DEAD BODY.

15:29 THERE'S A DEAD BODY.

15:32 SOMEBODY HAS BEEN KILLED." [laughter] "DID YOU DO IT?" [applause] "NO?

15:59 OH,[ __] WE WILL NEVER CATCH the killer." Based on Nigeria,

16:09 it's not just Nigeria.

16:10 I've been all over the world, I've experienced different things, you know.

16:13 I went to I went to the Caribbean, I went to Jamaica.

16:15 And Jamaicans say, "Woo!" I went to Jamaica,

16:19 I was over there with a AND MY FRIEND I WAS OVER

16:21 there with my friend and my friend's great-grandfather died while we were there.

16:25 And we went to the funeral home um to pick up the body.

16:29 And as I said, it's a hustle to live out there.

16:31 There was a guy outside the funeral home trying to sell us stuff as we went in.

16:36 He came up to us like that, "Psst, psst, come here, come here,

16:38 COME HERE." "YOU WANT TO BUY A cheaper coffin?" "Go inside,

16:48 go inside, get the body, bring it out the alley out the back.

16:54 I'll meet you on the OTHER SIDE." THAT WASN'T the worst of it, people.

16:57 That wasn't the worst of it.

16:58 We went in to pick up the body and none of the bodies were labeled.

17:04 I will repeat that.

17:06 None of the bodies were labeled.

17:09 We're like that, "Um we're here to pick up Mr.

17:11 Spencer." And the guy was like that, "Right, right, right.

17:13 Mr.

17:14 Spencer." Mr.

17:17 Spencer, Mr.

17:18 Spencer.

17:20 Which one looks like Mrs.

17:21 Spencer?

17:24 Uh, you're going to have to look yourself.

17:26 Come, come on, have a look yourself.

17:27 Come, come, come.

17:28 Open the coffin.

17:29 Open the coffin.

17:30 IS THAT MRS.

17:31 SPENCER?

17:33 [laughter] Is that Mrs.

17:32 That's not Mrs.

17:33 Spencer?

17:34 No?

17:34 All right, then, come, come, come, come.

17:38 What about this one?

17:39 Is this one Mrs.

17:39 Spencer?

17:40 Is this Look Look inside, man.

17:44 I know it doesn't have any face, but do you recognize the FACE LIKE NO?

17:49 THAT'S NOT MRS.

17:49 SPENCER?

17:50 All right, come, come, come, come.

17:52 What about this one?

17:53 What about this What LOOK INS- LOOK INSIDE, MAN.

17:55 LOOK INSIDE.

17:57 IS THAT MRS.

17:58 THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU CRYING FOR?

17:59 WHAT YOU CRYING FOR?

18:01 THAT'S NOT MRS.

18:02 SPENCER.

18:02 WHAT YOU CRYING?

18:03 WHAT YOU CRYING FOR?

18:05 Is that Mrs.

18:05 Spencer?

18:06 No?

18:06 Is that Mrs.

18:07 Spencer?

18:08 No?

18:08 Is that Mrs.

18:09 Spencer?

18:09 No?

18:10 What about this one?

18:11 No?

18:11 What about this one?

18:12 No?

18:12 Well, after about 20 bodies like that, forget it.

18:14 Give me that one.

18:15 Give me that one.

18:15 Give me that Trying to explain it to the kids at the funeral.

18:24 Uh, yes, Johnny, sometimes when the body decomposes,

18:29 it does turn into white woman.

18:31 Yeah, sometimes.

18:33 I think we've got a problem.

18:34 I think we're using the word Muslim far too quickly to describe

18:38 people doing atrocities when they don't represent Muslims any more than I do.

18:42 And I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people,

18:45 which I'm going to argue is knobhead.

18:49 This is a It's a political rally now, don't worry.

18:55 [applause] There'd be levels of knobhead.

18:56 There'd be levels of There'd be like a moderate

18:57 knobhead all the way up to fundamental knobhead.

19:01 And if we all did it, if we all did it, the news would have to catch up.

19:03 They'd have to go, "Today, two knobheads bombed a car." They'd have to do it.

19:06 We all And it wouldn't necessarily be to do with terrorist activity,

19:11 not just not just that, just any knob

19:12 heady activity would get the knob head word.

19:14 I've thought of some.

19:15 Um people that wear a festival wristband after a festival.

19:23 Ugh, the worst.

19:24 I went to Reading.

19:26 It's November, you're in a Costa, you're a knob head.

19:33 Couples that put a lock on a bridge, you're both knob heads, sorry.

19:37 Hate Sanctimonious mothers, have to be careful here.

19:43 I don't mean all mothers by any means, just a lot of my friends having kids

19:46 at the minute and it's the sort of mothers that go,

19:49 "Don't tell me how to raise my kids." And you're like, "Okay,

19:52 but she is trying to eat a patty fillet with an electric razor,

19:56 so you're a bit of a knob head, aren't you?

20:00 Just slightly.

20:03 Amanda Holden, fundamental knob head.

20:05 I just don't like her.

20:06 I don't like her.

20:09 [applause] Don't encourage me because I'm sure she's lovely.

20:11 I just I think she's despicable.

20:15 No, I don't have a problem with Muslims in Birmingham at all.

20:17 Happy to have them.

20:18 I think they add to our city and to our culture.

20:20 I think the big problem we have in Birmingham,

20:22 it's happening around the country, actually.

20:24 We have a lot of artisan coffee shops.

20:29 You know the sort of places I'm on about, like Shoreditch is full of them.

20:32 Kind of like distressed wood, that kind of thing.

20:36 And they serve flat whites and they'll say things like,

20:39 "We support local artists." And you know that cuz

20:42 the art on the wall is[ __] Dozens,

20:49 dozens in Birmingham, they're all[ __] Um Oh, no, there's one I quite like.

20:52 There's one I quite like.

20:53 I can't say the name for legal reasons.

20:55 They do an avocado and feta smash.

21:01 Very aggressive word, I feel, for what is essentially pressing with a fork.

21:07 Avocado [laughter] and feta smash.

21:08 And for £1, £1.50 extra, you can get a poached egg on top.

21:11 It's a lovely way to start the day.

21:13 I went in recently and I said to the girl,

21:14 I said, "I'd like the avocado and feta smash,

21:16 please, with the poached egg." And she went,

21:18 "Oh, we don't do the egg anymore." I said, "Why is that?" And she went,

21:24 "The kitchen was struggling to cope." When

21:29 I hear the phrase "struggling to cope", I think of I don't know,

21:33 a single mother trying to juggle a career, child care, heartbreak.

21:38 I don't think of someone cooking a[ __] egg.

21:44 So, I'm boycotting them now.

21:45 Boycotting them.

21:47 Oh, we've got a 24-hour Starbucks, as well.

21:50 Nobody asked for one, we've got one.

21:51 The staff at 4:00 a.m.

21:54 Genetically closer to a moth.

21:58 I've only been in once.

21:59 It was about 4:00 a.m., actually.

22:00 I got back late from a show, I thought I'd treat myself, have a hot chocolate.

22:02 The guy behind the counter obviously couldn't cope with daylight or anything,

22:05 cuz he's like, "Can I take a name?" And I was like, "Yeah, it's Joe.

22:09 Can I ask why?" And he's like,

22:10 "Just in case the order gets confused." I looked around AN EMPTY STARBUCKS.

22:16 I WENT OVER TO THE SERVICE COUNTER.

22:17 Took him ages to make it, and then he went,

22:19 "Hot chocolate for John." So, to prove a point, I just waited.

22:27 John will be HERE IN A MINUTE, WON'T HE?

22:29 OH, HE LOVES A HOT CHOCOLATE, OUR JOHN.

22:34 [laughter]