a day in my life in quarantine *alone in nyc*

0:00 oh hello camera I haven't see you there

0:16 I didn't wake up 10 minutes ago and get

0:19 this camera ready and put it on my

0:21 nightstand and then crawl back into bed

0:22 and then pretend to wake up again no no

0:24 no that's not how it happened

0:27 [Music] [Applause] I'm pretty good overall about taking a

0:39 shower every night keep him a hygiene

0:41 good even when I'm completely by myself

0:42 but last night I was like four hours

0:45 deep into watching master classes and I

0:48 just felt like really really gross so I

0:50 just fell asleep and today we're gonna

0:53 get we're gonna get myself back together

0:55 get myself back together do I like that

0:59 my self-esteem is that based on my

1:01 appearance no but does it still somehow

1:03 make me feel a lot better don't I

1:05 actually knit ready in style my hair yes

1:08 also a couple nights ago I was late at

1:11 night and linked the centipede with

1:13 Adrienne a centipede crawled across my desk after hyping

1:16 myself up for like admittedly too long I

1:19 think it took like 20 minutes I went

1:21 back and tried to take it out with a

1:22 vacuum but by then the bug was gone I

1:25 literally could just sleep that night

1:26 because I was just so worried where the

1:28 second he was and whether it would crawl

1:30 into my mouth while I was sleeping

1:32 finally at the end of the next day I was

1:33 starting to forget about the centipede

1:35 when I was taking a shower

1:37 and it crawled up on the curtains like

1:41 one foot away from my naked[ __] body

1:43 so they had to hop out of the shower all

1:45 in wet and Megan and that will be

1:47 spending into the[ __] death

1:48 gladiator style anyways that centipede is all the shower

1:52 reminds me of so that may or may not be

1:54 why I've been kind of avoiding taking

1:55 room for a while I gotta collect the

2:00 hair monster but appears every single

2:02 time that I wash my hair

2:06 oh man where do I even start

2:22 so my mental health has been a little

2:24 bit all over the place the past couple

2:26 weeks ever since the big rona started I

2:29 feel like I'd been through the seven

2:31 stages of grief except it's the seven

2:33 stages of a worldwide pandemic first I

2:36 was really trying to stay calm and not

2:37 panic too much I was like you know what

2:39 whatever happens happens I can't control

2:41 it it's like that saying if you worry

2:43 you suffer twice then when they started

2:45 putting lockdown restrictions here in

2:47 New York I kind of started freaking out

2:49 and I would like read a lot of the news

2:51 and I felt like simultaneously anxious

2:53 and paralyzed you know like I had all

2:55 this anguish of energy but I felt like I

2:57 couldn't do anything because I just

2:58 didn't know what the[ __] to do like

3:00 even with my job I just felt like the

3:02 whole thing was so pointless and then I

3:04 went through that phase where everybody

3:05 was like time to use this time

3:07 productively and write a[ __] book and finish your

3:11 screenplay and make like 500 videos

3:13 because people want to watch YouTube

3:15 actually use all your time to continue

3:17 to turn the wheel of capitalism's

3:19 that freaked me out even more because

3:20 then I was really harsh on myself for

3:22 feeling paralyzed to begin with I was

3:24 like why can't I just get back to work

3:26 and do something productive like

3:27 everybody else apparently then everybody

3:29 on social media is like no that's[ __] like you have to take time for

3:33 yourself and you know process this

3:35 however you want which I still think is

3:36 a good perspective so I took time to

3:38 process I stopped working for an entire

3:41 week which was good because I had wanted

3:42 a break for a really long time I haven't

3:44 taken a week off in literally like three

3:47 years I hadn't taken time to just like

3:50 enjoy my own time in such a long time

3:53 I said time too many times in that

3:54 sentence ever since I went to high

3:57 school to be honest I feel like all of

3:58 my time hasn't felt like my own it's

4:00 felt like I owe other people something

4:03 with my time I need to study or work or

4:06 SAT prep or bake YouTube videos I do

4:09 think I took a little bit too much time

4:11 off though because title by the end of

4:13 the week I was feeling really lumpy

4:16 honestly I kind of had these phases

4:18 where I like really really really hard and then I

4:20 have other days where I just completely

4:22 like fall off the rails I get out a

4:24 YouTube hole I start watching a bunch of

4:25 movies I just like crawl into bed and

4:27 like burn time and those can be

4:29 correlated with like depressive episodes

4:31 for me so like seven days into not doing

4:33 anything with myself not talking to

4:35 anybody not going outside I really just

4:37 felt[ __] awful about myself so this

4:40 past week I got myself like back to

4:41 editing back to working and it's felt a

4:44 lot better you know I've been trying to

4:46 take off the pressure to feel like I

4:48 have to do everything with this time and

4:50 to be like ultra hyper productive but I

4:53 think there also is a balance and for me

4:55 personally it wasn't a good idea to

4:57 completely like fall off the rails and

4:59 not do anything with myself and get

5:00 myself in a bigger pity hole then I

5:02 usually am and it was actually a weird

5:04 realisation I feel like for so long I

5:06 just like wanted time off so badly

5:08 because I don't ever get it that I

5:10 blamed any unhappiness I had on having

5:12 to work too hard

5:13 at 21 years old I was already

5:14 fantasizing about like oh it would be so

5:16 nice to retire would be so nice to be

5:18 like a housewife but even for a week of

5:20 not working it like jolted me back to

5:22 reality and made me realize like I don't

5:25 I don't want to not work I thrive on

5:28 having real purpose in my life and being

5:30 able to like explore things and do

5:32 something and create something[ __]

5:34 meaningful in the world because

5:35 otherwise like alright that's the whole

5:37 point of existing still feeling a little

5:38 bit confused but I am slowly kind of

5:42 finding my stride in this whole

5:44 quarantine thing I have hesitated to

5:46 make any videos about quarantine and

5:49 stuff because I wasn't sure if they were

5:51 helpful and I also feel like so

5:53 privileged in this situation I didn't

5:54 know if it was annoying to be like

5:55 here's me in my regular work life but I

5:58 have been watching Elena and Jenny's

6:00 quarantine vlogs and they actually just

6:02 really calmed me down knowing that

6:03 somebody's going through the same thing

6:05 and just seeing what they're up to it

6:07 felt really nice so I hope this vlog

6:09 does the same thing for you guys I also

6:10 am quarantine alone here in New York in

6:13 my little 230 foot studio I didn't want

6:16 to go back home to my parents because

6:17 hey I like living alone

6:18 be my workers here and see I want the

6:20 peace of mind of knowing that I'm not

6:22 gonna come home in fact my parents one day I've seen a

6:25 lot of quarantine vlogs or like tic TOCs

6:27 that I've seen or all people with their

6:29 families or their boyfriends or their

6:30 friends their roommates and I'm just

6:32 here by myself so I thought it might be

6:34 nice for you guys who are also

6:35 quarantined alone to see if your own

6:37 experience reflected because honestly it

6:39 makes me feel really[ __] lonely to

6:41 see everybody hanging out with their

6:42 family and like other people in their

6:44 life and making it kind of like a

6:46 bonding experience cuz I don't have that

6:48 I'm just bonded with my[ __] self

6:50 anyways some days I feel I feel almost

6:53 normal now and some days I just have

6:55 this insane level of like background

6:57 anxiety which has been happening to me

6:59 the past couple days where my jaw is

7:01 just clenched and it will not unclench I

7:04 just grind my teeth together all[ __]

7:06 day even when I try to make myself stop

7:07 it just like my jaw says no no[ __]

7:11 there's a pandemic going on and we are

7:13 gonna worry about it I'm gonna make

7:17 myself some chicken and stars for

7:18 breakfast which I know is not the most

7:21 conventional breakfast food but you know

7:23 what breakfast foods are a social

7:25 construct and also I'm kind of running

7:27 out of other food and I don't want to

7:29 wait in the line for like an hour to go

7:31 grocery shopping on the weekend

7:33 [Music] graceful as always I moved to New York

7:45 pretty much with the world's worst

7:47 timing right before coronavirus started

7:49 and this fire escape has been really the

7:52 most New York thing that I can

7:53 experience right now so I've been going

7:56 out here pretty much every sunny day

7:57 that I can for a while I was really

7:59 caught up in like essentially beating

8:01 myself up for my own timing and being

8:04 like I should have stayed in LA for just

8:06 a couple more months and then I could be

8:07 paying less rent I wouldn't be literally

8:10 in like the epicenter of disease I would

8:11 have parks to walking I also was kind of

8:13 angry at myself for not actually

8:16 exploring in New York while I had the

8:17 chance I have lived here for around 2

8:20 months now and I spent most of those two

8:22 months just editing moving content and

8:24 trying to organize my apartment and get

8:26 my life together and I hung out with

8:29 people a couple of times but I didn't

8:31 even really go out and explore because I

8:33 was like I can do that in the summer

8:35 I'll do that in just next month next

8:37 month next month and you know I hesitate

8:39 to take away life lessons from a global

8:42 pandemic that's literally just like

8:43 killing people but in my very small

8:46 level of the world at least it has

8:48 definitely taught me that like I take a

8:51 lot for granted I take a lot of time for

8:53 granted I've always told myself like I

8:55 work hard now and then later I can relax

8:58 I'm like the queen of delayed

8:59 gratification and especially you know

9:01 now my career is very dense I have a lot

9:03 of opportunity which is amazing

9:05 but I have always put off actually like

9:08 having fun actually experiencing things

9:10 even just like hanging out with friends

9:11 on the weekend because I always say that

9:13 I can do it later but yeah there's not

9:16 there's not always a waiter did I

9:17 effectively just say the moral of

9:19 coronaviruses Yolo yes that's disgusting I'm so sorry

9:25 I'm gonna eat my soup now and place an

9:27 animal crossing Oh [Applause]

9:39 [Music] [Music] so Rachel Wynn is a youtuber who I'm

10:01 absolutely obsessed with her editing and

10:03 her style was just like[ __]

10:05 immaculate so she has these little

10:07 window crystals and when the light hits

10:09 them they cast little rainbows across

10:11 your room I finally bought them they're

10:13 like ten dollars and I thought I would

10:15 hang them up in my window because since

10:17 I've been home so much I have been

10:18 trying to do a little bit of decorating

10:19 get settled into the new place also

10:23 weirdly Animal Crossing has really

10:25 encouraged me to decorate my room

10:26 because I've been decorating my animal

10:28 cross house so I've wanted to also

10:29 decorate my real-life house all those

10:48 little rainbows what the[ __] this is so

10:53 cool this might be the best ten dollars I

10:58 feel like a cat just like chasing the

11:00 laser points I just want to look at all

11:01 of them [Music] and I just want by the way I painted

11:09 this wall green is like a little accent

11:11 wall and I also painted my bedroom

11:13 corner over here I'll do a whole video

11:15 on my whole apartment and all the

11:17 improvements I did but in the meantime I

11:19 thought it looked pretty[ __] nice

11:20 [Music] the voicemail bot 5:07 u0 my friend just

11:31 send me a really good animal crossing'

11:32 mean my friend doesn't actually play

11:34 Animal Crossing but he sees them

11:35 everywhere on Instagram and Twitter so

11:37 he's been sending them to me because

11:38 they make sense to me this is a good one

11:40 I read a tweet that people love Animal

11:42 Crossing because we get to indulge in

11:44 the santa see of actually owning

11:45 property and honestly I feel that I've

11:47 been playing Animal Crossing for like a

11:49 week and I already have a three-bedroom

11:50 house I've been living for[ __] 21

11:53 years I live in one room I feel like I'm

11:56 about to rob a bank this is what

12:03 Manhattan looks like on a Saturday

12:04 afternoon now by the way it's pretty

12:07 empty pretty weird an apocalyptic to be honest

12:12 [Applause] we do have a big gay ice cream shops

12:16 dildo that's keeping me going just walk in the

12:21 middle straight because there aren't

12:22 that many cars anymore

12:25 [Music] to buy some things we don't need paint

12:36 brush it some candy

12:49 [Music] how you satellite movie and we got look

13:05 so bad we have to laugh I guess we lucky

13:10 outside of us I always feel like I'm[ __] like masturbating my hands when

13:16 I do this kind of romantic it's like I'm

13:17 holding hands myself you know this is

13:19 probably the most human contact that

13:20 I've had in weeks

13:22 [Music] I'm literally so horny I was just like

13:26 making eyes at people at the laundromat

13:29 trying to search out whether there was

13:30 like a cute boy under any of the masks

13:32 not like I could even talk because of

13:34 social distancing please give me eye

13:36 contact eye contact will do it for me at

13:39 this point [Music] whoo hey folks we have a rare specimen

13:48 of random New York bird oh he's a thick

13:55 one folks he's Charlie that was literally the

13:59 worst[ __] accent I've ever heard I'm

14:01 sorry so like I mentioned before I

14:04 watched that interior design master

14:06 class last night and a lot of singing

14:08 was feeling really inspired this is not

14:10 sponsored by master class by the way but

14:12 sometimes I forget that the people that

14:15 I watch online mostly are like people

14:17 who are younger than me or people who

14:19 are in the same profession as me and I

14:21 feel like I often don't give myself the

14:23 chance to really get inspired by people

14:26 in other sectors who are like boss

14:28 people I was gonna say[ __] but I do

14:30 want to call anybody a[ __] I'm just

14:32 like really inspired by like 30 40

14:35 year-old woman who owned their own

14:36 company who are their own bosses and

14:38 it's actually kind of hard to find them

14:39 on the internet because obviously most

14:41 youtubers and like podcasters or either

14:43 you know 30-year old camera Bros or

14:46 20-something fashion girls like me so it

14:49 can be hard to find people online who

14:51 feel like mentors that I can really look

14:52 up to rather than just like teenagers

14:55 who are like prettier than me that I

14:57 wish I could look like them but that's

14:58 not particularly productive for anybody

15:00 so anyways I've been thinking about what

15:01 I want to do is my place I honestly

15:03 think it looks quite nice already but

15:05 last night I was having one of those

15:06 like frenzied to am anxious sessions

15:10 where I just like pace

15:11 my apartment and clean things and like

15:13 think of all the things I'm gonna do the

15:14 next day and one thing that I thought of

15:16 was what if I painted green stripes on

15:21 this wall and I know that sounds janky

15:24 but like I was envisioning it in my head

15:26 and I feel like it would look really

15:27 good so I decided I'm gonna take a photo

15:28 of this wall with my iPad and then

15:31 sketch in procreate what the stripey

15:33 wall would look like that they also have

15:35 been literally the only time anybody

15:37 under 40 has said the phrase I'm gonna

15:40 take a photo with my iPad on ironically

15:42 so yeah that ended up looking kind of[ __] stupid I decided against

15:46 painting my wall but I did end up taping

15:48 some little paint chips to my

15:50 refrigerator randomly Rubeus blue this

15:54 is the no homo of color names— I just

15:56 didn't like having a plain white

15:58 refrigerator and I don't have enough

15:59 friends or places to go to fill my

16:02 fridge with photobooth photos which was

16:04 what I originally wanted to do so I

16:06 decided to just put on some colors and

16:08 call it a day I feel like I'm opening

16:31 those little white Chi jell-o cups I

16:34 don't know if that's Tunisia pan

16:35 experience but like they were telling

16:37 this giant tub they need peel off the

16:39 top and just like slurp it in like a

16:40 jello shot oh I took a lot of our

16:46 classes in high school and I thought I

16:48 wanted to go to art school for a while

16:49 actually when I was a freshman

16:51 I wanted to be either an artist or a

16:54 graphic designer and I think a big theme

16:55 of quarantine at least for those of us

16:57 who are lucky enough to be able to stay

16:59 home and work from home or go to classes

17:00 online is that it feels like[ __]

17:03 high school all over again especially

17:05 for most of my friends who are my age

17:07 are actually seniors in college right

17:08 now and they're living with their

17:09 parents again they're taking online

17:11 classes and they're like twenty-two

17:13 years old but they still feel like

17:15 they're in high school and even for me I

17:16 didn't go back home to my parents but I

17:18 feel like I'm a kid again

17:21 because I grew up like primarily in my

17:23 room I would just like go to my room and

17:25 entertain myself and in combination with

17:27 the fact that I'm back on the East Coast

17:29 now and even like the seasons the way

17:31 that it turned from winter to spring and

17:33 like the birds that you hear outside

17:35 yearly remind me of my hometown even

17:38 though New York could not be any

17:40 different from[ __] suburban Maryland

17:41 but you know seasons or a thing I

17:43 haven't experienced in a while anyways

17:45 I've been trying to kind of I would say

17:47 embrace the inner child because that

17:49 sounds really pretentious but I have

17:51 been trying to you know dive back into a

17:54 lot of my childhood interests that I did

17:55 when I didn't have like a whole lot of

17:57 things to go out and do I didn't have

17:59 bars I didn't have that many friends I

18:01 just entertain myself alone in my room

18:03 and I had a lot of fun doing it when I

18:05 was younger obviously I've been playing

18:07 some video games in I've been growing

18:10 again I watched a little bit of

18:11 Victorious again now that it's on

18:12 Netflix oh I even have been doing a little bit

18:18 of gardening this is my very miniature

18:19 version of gardening I planted some

18:21 basil seeds and they're just starting to

18:23 sprout I used to do a lot of gardening

18:24 with my mom because

18:26 she was very into gardening she tried to

18:28 get me into it and then when I was a

18:29 teenager because it was something my mom

18:31 liked I was like[ __] that I hate nature

18:33 and then now of course look me I'm a[ __] plant girl

18:36 [Music] [Music] with my complete lack of

19:05 [Music] delicious and the chase the deer name we need a

19:29 second tribe you look a little flaccid

19:33 [Music] [Music] [Music] always the best

20:22 [Music]