office moments actually harder to watch than scott's tots | Comedy Bites

0:01 Jim,

0:02 host the dumpies.

0:06 Hey, Karen.

0:08 Uh, what are you doing here?

0:09 First of all, hi.

0:11 What are you doing here?

0:13 You good?

0:15 Like, hey, everyone, let's get your boss laid Saturday.

0:18 [laughter] I have an announcement uh to make.

0:33 I am moving to Costa Rica.

0:37 Thought about it for a long time now and I'm finally going to do it.

0:44 So, just going to hop the fence and jog home now.

1:02 You son of a[ __]

1:05 Jen, this isn't the time of my interview.

1:07 Where the hell do you get off?

1:11 Frankly, it's overdue.

1:12 Your behavior in the last 2 years has been completely erratic.

1:17 Erratic?

1:17 Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work.

1:19 You smoke constantly in your office.

1:21 You spend most of the day online shopping.

1:23 You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days,

1:26 always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale.

1:28 You go to Scranton far more often than you.

1:30 Is it because of these?

1:31 Whoa.

1:32 Hey.

1:32 Whoa.

1:33 I want to know.

1:33 I want to know because if it is, then then I will see you in court.

1:37 It's not.

1:38 No,

1:38 it's not.

1:40 Oh, wow.

1:40 That is really interesting.

1:43 What?

1:43 Your love.

1:43 I'm just kidding.

1:44 I can't see anything.

1:45 [laughter] Look closer.

1:48 Okay, one point for me.

1:49 Tied up.

1:50 Oh, you're dead.

1:50 What?

1:50 What are you gonna do?

1:51 Bring it, Beasley.

1:52 Bring it.

1:53 Oh, yeah.

1:54 The move.

1:55 Oh, not [laughter] such an ultimate fighter now, huh?

1:57 HEY, PUT ME DOWN.

1:58 PUT ME DOWN.

2:00 Oh my god.

2:00 Hey, put me down.

2:02 Hey, Angela's having sex with Dwight.

2:13 I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.

2:22 Well, don't look so surprised.

2:27 Oh, Andy, you know what?

2:29 We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably Jamie.

2:33 Andy.

2:33 Oh, what are you doing here?

2:36 Andy,

2:36 are you a student here?

2:38 Oh, yeah.

2:39 You never told me you were in high school.

2:43 This is weird.

2:44 I got to go to Spanish.

2:51 Oh my god.

2:53 Oh my god.

2:58 I had no idea.

3:01 Well, that's not going to hold up in court.

3:04 We didn't do anything illegal except knock over her mailbox with our friends.

3:10 Who was that guy she was talking to at her locker?

3:13 Not important because you're not dating her because it's a felony.

3:18 But who was that guy?

3:20 Probably another high school student.

3:26 The issue with the watermark is very serious.

3:30 Absolutely.

3:29 We teach our students that character counts.

3:31 You should.

3:34 You don't teach it well enough.

3:36 One of your students is a[ __] Andy is having a real rough day today.

3:42 I want to take out an ad in your yearbook.

3:45 Full page, two words.

3:46 Good luck.

3:48 That's not what I had in mind.

3:50 I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV.

3:58 Check it out.

3:59 I actually hung this on the wall myself.

4:01 It's good.

4:02 I want to show you something.

4:03 A lot of people in the room.

4:04 You need more space.

4:06 Voila.

4:07 right into the wall.

4:10 Wow.

4:10 Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours.

4:14 I love it.

4:16 I love this TV.

4:17 Oh, and I also built this table.

4:20 What is that?

4:21 Chestnut?

4:22 No, I think that is either pine or Nordic cherry.

4:24 It's pine.

4:24 Yeah, Michael.

4:25 I'm just terrible at all this stuff.

4:26 So, it's really cool.

4:28 Really?

4:28 Yeah.

4:28 Yeah.

4:29 Yeah.

4:29 He tried to set up my to me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.

4:33 If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.

4:37 I bet you are.

4:40 Oh, that duck is so cute.

4:43 [music]

4:46 Hey, Pam.

4:47 Hey, guys.

4:49 Oscar Angela.

4:55 Here.

4:55 Hey.

4:56 Where have you been all night?

4:57 I was looking forward to hanging out with you.

5:02 Was

5:01 Hey, don't you have a daughter?

5:06 Yes.

5:06 I thought you said that you were going to tidy things up.

5:09 Well, I

5:10 Shame on you.

5:14 What a cute bench.

5:15 Thanks.

5:15 That's my bed.

5:17 Jen has uh some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.

5:21 Really?

5:21 Cuz

5:22 seems pretty narrow and short.

5:25 It's actually a lot bigger than it seems.

5:27 Look at this.

5:29 See, he fits perfectly.

5:30 What was that display?

5:34 I don't know.

5:34 I just thought if I could throw this great garden party

5:38 and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me.

5:44 Andrew, I know I know that you're proud of me.

5:47 I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're

5:51 a manager of some rinky dink branch

5:54 of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

5:57 How long are you going to go on needing my approval?

6:00 You're a grown man.

6:02 Don't act like a little boy who needs you.

6:04 You look at her and she's kind of matronly today,

6:08 but back in high school, I swear her nickname was Easy Rider.

6:15 Now, as for Bob, Bob Vance is a guy.

6:19 Thanks, Bob.

6:20 Give me

6:20 He works.

6:21 Okay, hold hold on, hold on, hold on.

6:22 Look, look.

6:23 Um, I didn't say anything when Phyllis's dad upstaged me at the ceremony,

6:29 and I think you owe me this.

6:30 Okay.

6:31 Give me the microphone.

6:32 No, I'm not going.

6:33 Give me the microphone.

6:35 Okay.

6:35 Okay.

6:35 Good.

6:35 You're out of here.

6:36 Yeah.

6:36 I'm You're out of here.

6:37 You're I hate you.

6:41 So, you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?

6:44 Yeah.

6:45 Trying to quit, though.

6:47 If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.

6:51 Oh, no.

6:51 I didn't want to see you.

6:53 Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you right now.

6:56 I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier.

6:59 Equal.

7:00 I'd say it was equal.

7:01 So, good to see.

7:06 I mean, it's just that, [clears throat] you know, Pam and I are still dating.

7:10 So, and I just mean that things are going really well.

7:14 So, I didn't want to see you.

7:18 Oh, things are going really well.

7:19 Are they?

7:20 They are.

7:21 That's great.

7:21 That's so great.

7:23 I want to hear more about how happy you are with Pam.

7:26 Can you tell me more about that?

7:27 Thank you so much for coming to Udica and breaking my copier

7:31 and telling me how well things are going in your relationship.

7:34 Really?

7:35 Thank you.

7:35 All right.

7:37 You are welcome.

7:37 I'm going to go because of um traffic.

7:42 Traffic.

7:42 Yeah.

7:43 Oh, def go cuz of definitely beat the traffic.

7:48 Mhm.

7:49 I I Well, apparently Michael Scott is on a date

7:58 and that that my friend changes everything.

8:05 Oh, yeah.

8:05 You told me about him.

8:06 Yeah.

8:06 Oh, boy.

8:08 He's all right.

8:08 Hey, Michael.

8:09 Where have you been?

8:12 Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy.

8:15 Nice one.

8:15 Can I talk to you for a second?

8:18 Mhm.

8:19 Everything okay?

8:20 Why are you wearing a hat now?

8:21 Guys, come on.

8:22 I'm on a date.

8:23 Let me do my thing.

8:24 Hi, I'm Date Mike.

8:26 Nice to meet.

8:27 How do you like your eggs in the morning?

8:30 I will walk and stand on these calls

8:33 until you award me the position of regional manager.

8:41 Wow.

8:44 Dwight.

8:43 Dwight.

8:44 Dwight.

8:44 Keep moving.

8:45 Don't walk there.

8:47 Keep coming.

8:48 Give me the jump.

8:49 GIVE ME THE JUMP.

8:50 I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

8:57 Do something.

8:58 God, that's

9:02 Helen.

9:03 I think you're a wonderful person and I God,

9:06 I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much,

9:10 but I have to consider Pam's feelings.

9:12 As a friend and a coworker, I cannot in good conscience continue to date you

9:20 when I know what this is doing to her.

9:21 [laughter]

9:23 Michael, Michael, it's okay.

9:25 No, it's not.

9:26 I know that it took me a little while to come around and it's still a little

9:30 weird to get used to, but you obviously make

9:34 my mom very happy and that makes me happy.

9:40 Wow.

9:40 That just you've really grown.

9:45 Well, oh, thank you, Pam.

9:46 And I hope you are as gracious during this next part.

9:52 Helen, once again, you are a wonderful person and you have lived

9:56 a great life and I envy it and I want it someday,

9:59 but just in the future,

10:01 you need somebody who who understands your references who is Kafka-esque.

10:05 I've never I don't know him.

10:09 There's another woman and her name is Italy and skydiving and bungee jumping.

10:15 Okay.

10:16 So, and I want kids and you unfortunately have

10:20 already completed that part of your journey down there.

10:23 Michael,

10:23 it's not my decision.

10:23 It's mother nature and mother has very strict rules about fertility.

10:37 Oh, yeah.

10:38 Yeah, I got it.

10:40 Jim, wanted to apologize for how I treated you last year.

10:46 I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race,

10:51 I realize there's so much more to life

10:52 than being the youngest VP in the company's history.

10:55 I've even started um volunteering, giving back to the community.

11:00 That's great.

11:02 You're talking about your court order community service.

11:05 I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.

11:08 But he did, right?

11:09 All right.

11:10 All right.

11:17 Michael, are you Michael Scott?

11:21 Who?

11:21 Michael what?

11:23 Oh, I'm sorry.

11:24 I'm I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.

11:26 Oh, that's not Yeah, I'm

11:30 Michael.

11:30 Michael.

11:32 Large hot chocolate with [snorts] caramel and a shot of peppermint.

11:48 Okay.

11:50 Who put my calculator in jello?

11:55 Good one.

11:58 But uh seriously guys, who did this?

12:05 Seriously, guys.

12:08 Who did this?

12:10 I need to know who put my calculator

12:13 in jello or I'm going TO LOSE MY FREAKING MIND.

12:23 Aaron Hannon, come on up here to receive

12:26 your cutest red head in the office award.

12:32 [applause] Thank you.

12:35 [cheering] Thank you.

12:36 Thank you.

12:37 [applause] This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life.

12:40 [laughter] People were right about the Dundy's.

12:44 They are magical.

12:47 But I don't feel it.

12:49 And I think that's because I'm not with the right person.

12:52 Gabe, what?

12:55 We should break up.

13:00 What?

12:59 I'm not attracted to you.

13:02 I just I cringe when you talk.

13:05 I have to be honest.

13:08 Right.

13:09 Right, Pam.

13:13 Thank you for hearing me.

13:17 Okay.

13:17 Well, this is embarrassing.

13:19 Um, obviously really angry at Erin.

13:22 Here comes that quarter life crisis everyone's talking about.

13:28 All right, I'm I'm going to go.

13:31 I'm so so sorry for the temperature in here.

13:36 The um sliding glass door shattered.

13:40 So, okay.

13:44 It's actually a really cute story.

13:45 Do you want to tell it, babe, or should I tell it?

13:48 I don't like that story, babe.

13:49 Come on.

13:49 It's a cute story.

13:50 Michael ran through the sliding glass door cuz

13:54 he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

13:57 [laughter]

13:58 Stop it.

13:59 I mean, I like ice cream.

14:00 Okay, sue me.

14:02 Oh, no.

14:03 Don't.

14:04 I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me.

14:07 She loves to sue.

14:09 She loves lawsuits.

14:11 You know, honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.

14:16 You are so right.

14:17 You are so right.

14:18 Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges

14:21 and I moved in and I cleaned it.

14:23 So, I guess that makes me the devil.

14:25 [laughter] YOU ARE.

14:27 She is.

14:28 SHE IS THE DEVIL.

14:29 I'M IN HELL.

14:31 I'm burning.

14:32 Help me.

14:34 Hey, I changed my mind again.

14:36 I'm going to leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.

14:39 Okay then, Andy.

14:40 Yeah, but here's the thing.

14:42 I can't have good old Under Mifflin to fall back on, or else I'll never succeed.

14:45 I got to burn those boats.

14:46 So, I need you to go into my file and put

14:48 down that I was fired for theft andor groping wieners.

14:54 Andy, you know I can't do that.

14:55 I'd be lying.

14:57 Seriously.

14:58 Yeah.

14:58 Um,

14:59 come on.

14:59 Just do it.

15:01 I can't.

15:02 All right, fine.

15:03 Just know that you made me do this.

15:08 Oh, come on, Andy.

15:09 No.

15:11 Don't stop blocking my hand.

15:14 No, this is your You brought this on.

15:15 No.

15:15 No, Andy.

15:18 Okay.

15:18 All right.

15:18 Broke you good.

15:20 Off to Hollywood.

15:30 Adorable, right?

15:36 I walked in on someone in the bathroom.

15:39 What?

15:39 I just walked in on someone in the bathroom.

15:41 Who?

15:41 I don't know.

15:42 The

15:42 I don't know.

15:42 The guy we're meeting with.

15:43 I don't know.

15:44 I don't know.

15:45 There was one thing we were curious about.

15:46 Uh your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day because

15:50 we might want to change our days around a little bit.

15:53 That seems a bit premature, don't you think?

15:54 I don't even know if I have a space for you yet.

15:56 And you're already lining up your holiday plans.

15:59 Oh, no.

15:59 Sorry.

15:59 I'm just um we're kind of planners.

16:03 Well, we're also flexible, too.

16:04 So, I you know what?

16:05 Maybe we could just discuss it when the time comes.

16:07 Yeah, if the time comes, we can discuss it.

16:12 Is this because Jim hooked in on you going to the bathroom?

16:16 What?

16:18 Seriously, you told her?

16:22 Did it?

16:22 I It might have come up while we were waiting for you.

16:25 And you you thought that might have something

16:27 to do with how the meeting is going.

16:30 No.

16:29 Maybe because it doesn't seem to be going super well.

16:32 You didn't consider the fact that it might not be going

16:34 super well just because it it might not be going super well.

16:39 Nope.

16:40 Cuz we're really nice people, but you don't seem to like us.

16:43 I'm being perfectly pleasant.

16:46 Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are?

16:49 Oh, this coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet.

16:57 Why didn't you just lock the door, man?

16:59 It doesn't lock for the children's safety.

17:02 Anybody could have walked in.

17:06 Story time.

17:10 What is this?

17:12 That is my Christmas card.

17:14 It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip having a blast.

17:18 Skisan's greetings.

17:20 No.

17:20 See, we never went on a ski trip.

17:23 I know.

17:23 I know.

17:24 I went on a ski trip, right,

17:25 two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.

17:28 Yes.

17:28 But what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense.

17:33 I was in your heart

17:34 and next to your kids.

17:36 What?

17:36 This is so weird.

17:39 I don't understand.

17:40 It's a bold move to photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend

17:44 and her kids on a ski trip with the real father.

17:48 But then again, Michael's a bold guy.

17:50 When I wanted to see Stomp and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?

17:54 We saw when I said that I wanted to have kids and you

17:59 said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do?

18:02 And then when you said that you might want to have

18:04 kids and I wasn't so sure who had the vasectomy reversed.

18:07 And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids,

18:09 who want it reverse back?

18:11 STEP.

18:13 I DID.

18:14 OKAY.

18:14 You've no idea the physical toll THE THREE VASECTOMIES HAVE

18:19 ON A person and I bought this condo to fill with children.

18:25 I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed up world.

18:29 Okay.

18:30 But look, if you want to have kids, then fine, you win.

18:34 Let's have a kid.

18:38 Do you mean you want to have a kid?

18:40 [sighs] Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school.

18:45 RIGHT.

18:45 [laughter]

18:50 And I take that as a compliment.

18:52 Well, with your ties and your matching socks.

18:54 I just like to look good.

18:55 Okay.

18:56 So, you sound pretty defensive, Michael.

18:58 No.

18:58 I am just coming out myself.

19:00 I am coming out hetero.

19:02 I think the problem with this office is

19:04 that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.

19:07 No, no, no.

19:07 The only signal that I am sending is gay.

19:10 Good.

19:12 Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen.

19:20 I would be leading the parade covered in feathers

19:22 and just I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

19:28 I don't think I can work here any longer.

19:30 This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.

19:36 You misunderstand.

19:36 Okay.

19:37 All right.

19:38 You know what?

19:38 Okay.

19:40 Okay.

19:40 I uh I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is.

19:44 You ready?

19:45 What do you do?

19:45 I am going to embrace Oscar.

19:47 You might want to watch this, Angela, because you can't catch anything.

19:50 Here we go.

19:51 No.

19:51 We are going to make a statement.

19:52 You and I are going to make a statement together.

19:55 Oscar is my friend.

19:56 I'd rather not.

19:57 And I just don't care who sees it.

20:00 Doesn't bother me.

20:01 Really?

20:01 I really rather not.

20:02 I really rather not.

20:03 You're my friend.

20:04 No.

20:04 No.

20:06 I don't want to touch you.

20:07 Ever considered that?

20:09 You're ignorant and insulting and small.

20:14 Okay.

20:21 All right.

20:24 Um, sorry, Michael.

20:28 I'm sorry.

20:32 That was a good idea.

20:33 Come on.

20:35 Come on.

20:37 All right.

20:39 I'm sorry I called you[ __]

20:41 I know [snorts]

20:42 you're not[ __] I know you are.

20:44 You're a good guy.

20:45 Me, too.

20:47 Michael appears to be gay, too.

20:49 And yet, he is my friend.

20:52 I guess I do have a gay friend.

20:54 You know what?

20:55 I'm going to raise the stakes.

20:57 You don't We don't

20:59 I want you to watch this and I want you to burn this into your brains.

21:06 I don't think we need to

21:07 because this is an image that I want you

21:10 people to remember for a long time to come.

21:14 Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this.

21:17 We don't need to.

21:19 Yes, we do.

21:21 What?

21:32 Ah ah I did it.

21:39 David, I lost the Scranton White pages account.

21:41 Do you have any idea how much paper that is?

21:44 And I'd just like to point out I was mad at Dwight.

21:47 I did it out of spite.

21:49 We put the past behind us though, Andy.

21:51 What if I told you I hate you and this company?

21:53 Enough, Andy.

21:54 Enough.

21:54 Just stop forgiving me, David.

21:56 Please.

21:58 This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself.

22:03 What if I took a dump on your new car?

22:05 Oh my god.

22:06 Elellanena Roosevelt once said, "The future belongs to those who believe

22:11 in the beauty of their dreams." I think she's right.

22:15 I feel calm now.

22:18 Get out.

22:19 I feel like for the first time in a long time, I'm doing the right thing.

22:25 Tell me, AJ, are you dating?

22:27 Is there somebody you date?

22:31 Yeah.

22:32 Why are you interested?

22:35 I have a question about discounts from distributors.

22:37 Yep.

22:37 We will get to you.

22:39 Okay.

22:39 So, you're dating somebody.

22:41 Um, is it serious?

22:45 It's pretty serious.

22:46 Yes.

22:53 Does she ever talk about me?

22:54 Oh, god.

22:57 Excuse me.

22:58 What does this have to do with sales?

23:00 It's all connected.

23:01 Shut up.

23:01 Does she ever mention Michael Scott?

23:04 No.

23:05 What are you talking about?

23:06 [sighs] Does it feel good?

23:11 Does what feel good?

23:12 Your life.

23:15 Oh, wow.

23:18 Ah, legs are sort of giving up.

23:21 Long drive in the car.

23:22 So, let's just we'll just continue.

23:26 [sighs] Oh, wow.

23:31 Oh, okay.

23:32 Michael, get off the floor.

23:34 Yeah.

23:35 Yeah.

23:36 I can't do this.

23:39 Just read.

23:40 Please read the cards.

23:41 No.

23:41 No.

23:41 No.

23:41 Michael, you have to do it.

23:43 Oh, no.

23:44 I'm all right.

23:50 Okay.

23:51 Okay.

23:53 [music] [singing] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented.

23:58 You know what?

23:59 I don't think he's that good.

24:01 At least he's an artist.

24:03 BFD.

24:03 I'm a screenwriter

24:05 and I'm a candle maker, BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT.

24:08 NO.

24:08 ALL YOU DO IS YOU get me to try to work on my rich friends

24:13 for an investment opportunity.

24:15 Man, I would love to burn your candles.

24:18 You burn it, you buy it.

24:20 OH, GOOD.

24:20 I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER.

24:22 But you're hardly my first.

24:37 THAT IS A $200 PLASMA SCREEN TV THAT YOU just killed.

24:41 Good luck paying me BACK ON YOUR $0 A YEAR SALARY PLUS BENEFITS.

24:47 BABE, your clothes may be bo.

24:55 Look, you got to go.

24:57 [laughter] You can't just sit here and cry.

25:03 OH, I CAN'T SO JUST SIT HERE AND CRY.

25:07 [laughter]