Mayhem, Insults and Stig Laps – The TG Essentials | Top Gear Classic

0:00 Amy and I were now in the middle of Tokyo and despite

0:04 James' [music] claims that we'd be stuck in traffic for a week,

0:07 the simple fact is this.

0:10 There wasn't any.

0:12 Jeremy said it would be all traffic,

0:14 it's the worst traffic in the world, you won't be moving.

0:16 Look at it.

0:18 We had less than 10 minutes to catch our next connection.

0:22 Uh, that's the subway to Subway.

0:25 Tokyo's not a city, it's a racetrack.

0:30 Oh, that's no good.

0:31 Do we have to have another ticket?

0:33 know.

0:36 Uh.

0:37 Uh, can we ask how do we what?

0:39 How do we what?

0:39 What's the name of the place where we get off?

0:41 Honestly, I didn't think I was going to do this one.

0:43 I didn't think I was going [music] to win it.

0:45 Yeah, but that's that's obviously the fair look.

0:46 It gets bigger as you go further away from the do we need?

0:49 Bullet train.

0:53 Right, I think it was this way.

0:55 Go.

0:55 Go.

0:56 Go.

0:56 Go.

0:56 Go.

0:56 Go.

0:57 We were in such a rush,

0:58 we boarded the tube train not knowing if it was going in the right direction.

1:04 This is the Yokohama City Subway, but does it I don't know where.

1:08 Yokohama.

1:08 Yokohama.

1:10 Number 20.

1:12 This is four stops.

1:14 So, if this flashes 23 now,

1:16 that's the next stop, we're going in the right direction.

1:18 If it says [music] 25

1:20 Exactly.

1:20 We're going to jump off.

1:21 23.

1:26 Yes.

1:28 Yes.

1:31 [laughter] I didn't panic.

1:33 This is what comes with not having a congestion charge.

1:48 We were now at yet another station looking for the train to Kurihama.

1:53 Kurihama?

1:54 Kurihama?

1:55 Kurihama?

1:59 I was so confident that when I did occasionally get stuck at the lights,

2:02 I broke out some of the Japanese toys the office had provided.

2:15 [bell] It's an air guitar.

2:21 It's May.

2:22 Oh, Hammond.

2:24 Hello.

2:25 Jeremy.

2:26 Hammond, how are you?

2:27 I'm very well.

2:28 How are you doing?

2:29 I am in Tokyo and I'm going brilliantly well.

2:32 I shall look on my satnav.

2:34 How fast are you going?

2:37 Oh my god.

2:39 What?

2:40 I've just turned the sat I've turned the satnav off.

2:43 What Why did you do that?

2:45 I just wanted to look where I was cuz

2:47 it comes up on the phone thing when you're on.

2:49 Well, I can tell you exactly where you are now you've turned your satnav off.

2:52 Lost.

2:54 Bye.

2:57 With all the satnav's controls in Japanese,

2:59 I had no clue how to get it back on again.

3:02 Oh, this is a just I'm going to have to This was a good moment.

3:10 We had successfully caught the last of our four trains

3:13 and would be at the finish line in 2 hours.

3:16 Meanwhile, Jeremy, for the first time, was in trouble.

3:23 No.

3:28 Right, there's a plane coming in to land there.

3:30 That must mean Narita Airport's over [music] there.

3:38 So, I just asked for the wine list, that's not right.

3:41 Amazingly, I found a policeman who spoke English.

3:45 Sort of.

3:46 This Yes, this tunnel.

3:47 Uh, this this road or this town 1 2 3 four signal uh and Stop light.

3:56 So, four signals Four.

3:58 Maybe.

3:59 Uh Maybe.

4:02 As our train waited in the station,

4:04 I went to try my luck with one of the onboard drinks machines.

4:08 Then James rang.

4:10 Hello.

4:11 Yeah, we're there.

4:12 I haven't found a vending machine yet, but as soon as I find one, I will.

4:15 Yeah, but we're not moving.

4:19 Well, not now we're not.

4:22 What do you mean we are?

4:23 No, we're not.

4:26 What?

4:27 Me?

4:28 I'm not on the How can I not Gear position, braking, acceleration.

4:40 Hello.

4:40 James.

4:41 No, it's not James, it's me.

4:43 What You mean why would James be ringing you up?

4:47 Because there's something peculiar has happened.

4:52 We're not on the same train.

4:55 What?

4:56 Hello.

4:56 We're not on the same train.

4:59 The train stopped in a station.

5:00 I was walking along it to try and find some

5:02 drinks from a machine and then James had moved off.

5:06 He was in the front of the train, it split.

5:08 So, he's going somewhere, I don't know where yet.

5:10 I stopped in the station then I got off my train

5:13 to see what had happened and then my train left.

5:16 So, if that was the right train, I'm not on it.

5:18 If it wasn't the right train Well,

5:20 I One of us is on the right train, one of us isn't.

5:22 All right, well, I If it's any consolation,

5:24 mate, I've just arrived at a dead end.

5:26 I've got to ring I've got to ring James, I'm sorry.

5:29 I might just go for a cup of coffee on this basis.

5:33 [laughter]

5:35 I was now all alone with just a Blair Witch handycam.

5:41 Hello, viewers.

5:42 Jezza is obviously speaking to Hammond because

5:45 Jezza has just rung me up to gloat.

5:50 Um, Kurihama?

5:52 Kurihama?

5:52 Yeah.

5:53 Oh, okay.

5:53 Moment, please.

5:54 Coming down.

5:55 Kurihama.

5:56 Stomach, your master got me on the right train and I called James.

6:08 But my train was 15 minutes behind James's,

6:11 so I'd have less than 2 minutes to catch the bus.

6:14 You're going to have to hold it.

6:17 Just run like run like hell to the bus cuz if we miss the bus, we're stuffed.

6:28 [snorts] Amy's back.

6:28 Amy's back.

6:29 AMY'S BACK ON MY SCREEN.

6:31 I PUSHED EVERYTHING, she's back.

6:34 And not before time.

6:36 Being lost had cost me 45 minutes.

6:38 The lead I'd built up had been wiped out.

6:42 Show me some of your muscles, car.

6:44 Show me your muscles.

6:51 That says, "Do you know my friend?

6:52 I mean, can you wait,

6:54 please?" I was now off the train and hoping to God James had held the bus.

7:01 Buses.

7:02 Should be buses.

7:03 There's no buses.

7:04 This way.

7:04 This way.

7:08 I was now heading for the tunnel under the bay

7:10 in a big hurry and for the first time, the GT-R was starting to come alive.

7:17 It's when you put your foot down like that, you just get the biggest

7:21 whiff that this car can go around the Nurburgring in 7 minutes 29 seconds.

7:26 That's faster than a McLaren Mercedes.

7:28 It's faster than a 911 Turbo.

7:33 Hello.

7:34 Mate.

7:35 I'm with my old mate Richard Hammond.

7:38 Oh, great.

7:39 Mate, they're getting cross cuz you're using your mobile.

7:42 Hello.

7:43 We're in trouble now for talking on the phone on the bus.

7:45 He wants to talk to you.

7:46 Ah.

7:48 Hi.

7:48 Do you know what time you're actually getting on that ferry?

7:52 25 past.

7:53 It leaves.

7:53 We're getting on it at about 22 minutes past.

7:57 All of us were now minutes from the bay.

8:05 Is that bell bad?

8:14 This is really close now.

8:18 Still in the bosom of Japanese public transport,

8:21 we knew for sure we'd arrive at the finish line in 55 minutes.

8:25 All we could do was hope Jeremy's life would be less predictable.

8:30 It depends.

8:31 How busy the terrain, whether it's small roads, whether it's busy,

8:35 whether there's a speed limit, whether it gets lost.

8:40 Small roads?

8:41 No.

8:42 Not really.

8:53 [music] As the immense bridge ended,

9:00 I knew it would all be down to the final charge up the mountain.

9:04 Frankly, what I'm going to need to win this now

9:06 is a divine wind and I've got just the thing.

9:11 I'm ready.

9:12 Here we go.

9:19 I knew they'd be at the finish line at 4:25 precisely.

9:25 Arrival time, 4:31.

9:28 That's 6 minutes [music] after them.

9:33 Gearbox in race, that speeds up the change time.

9:36 I'm going to put the suspension in race, that firms [music] it right up.

9:39 Then I'm going to put the traction control in race, that lets me have some slip.

9:44 Bang on time, the ferry docked, a full mile from the cable car.

9:47 But, we had no [music] intention of walking.

9:57 I've no time to slow down for these barriers.

10:01 Bloody hell, win Wimbledon with barriers [music]

10:04 like that on the end of your arm.

10:07 Ahead of me lay the mountain road.

10:10 GTR country.

10:13 Oh my god, just now it's all coming together.

10:17 It's all just becoming a GTR.

10:24 Hello.

10:25 Jeremy.

10:26 Yeah, where are you?

10:27 We are disembarking now.

10:30 This is so damn close.

10:32 I can't work it out, but he's he is very close.

10:39 I've now got it down to 4:27.

10:42 Ready?

10:43 Yes.

10:43 Let's do it.

10:44 Right.

10:48 [music] 4:24.

11:03 This is the clash of the titans now and it's going down to the wire again.

11:12 Come on.

11:12 No, no, no, no, no.

11:25 I wish you could feel my heart right now.

11:27 I really wish you could feel what's going on here.

11:31 Go.

11:32 That's the Buddha.

11:35 How's it?

11:36 I don't know.

11:39 Thank you.

11:41 Come on.

11:42 Come on.

11:42 Come on, baby.

11:44 I was now giving it everything.

11:50 So, at the top here, there is a Buddha to road safety, apparently.

11:54 What if you really you got there in Jeremy's GTR was buried in the middle of it?

12:00 Watch this.

12:00 I'm here.

12:01 Oh dear.

12:02 Bye.

12:06 Thank you.

12:07 Thank you.

12:07 Thank you.

12:12 This way.

12:13 Finally, I made it to the Buddha's car park.

12:16 Victory is mine.

12:18 But that wasn't the finishing line.

12:21 Go where?

12:22 Where?

12:23 Run.

12:25 Come on.

12:25 Go.

12:25 Go.

12:25 Go.

12:25 Go.

12:26 Just leave it.

12:26 Leave it.

12:26 Leave it.

12:27 That's not a temple.

12:28 We were now converging on the Buddha up two different paths.

12:32 You sure we haven't even shot yet?

12:36 Come on.

12:40 NO.

12:49 PLEASE GOD.

12:51 DON'T LET THEM BE.

12:53 [panting] [panting]

13:00 THEY AREN'T HERE.

13:04 [sighs]

13:08 CAR just beat the bullet train.

13:13 [laughter] [panting] That's Buddha.

13:17 This is a Buddha to road safety.

13:18 We've done the 9th and the 10th century.

13:20 This wall was 12th century.

13:22 Um so, you remember from the lecture I was giving it Hi guys.

13:27 Just interesting.

13:29 How this is a different century to that we've just been learning.

13:31 We've had a lecture.

13:32 Yeah.

13:34 You run up there as well?

13:35 Oh, yeah.

13:36 Yeah.

13:37 Yeah.

13:38 Congratulations.

13:38 been here?

13:41 [panting and sighs] Really not long.

13:41 Genuinely.

13:42 Honestly.

13:44 3 minutes, 12 seconds.

13:49 That is so close.

13:50 Thanks, Buddha.

13:51 You looked after him.

13:55 [snorts] Disappointed.

13:54 for it.

13:56 Yours.

13:58 Which is It's Japanese for no clock.

14:06 [music] [snorts] So, the Ferrari won the race to Verbier.

14:18 This year, Ferrari won the Formula 1 World Championship again.

14:22 And when we look at our lap board, we find that it's headed by a Ferrari.

14:27 So, we thought it would be a good idea to teach them a lesson.

14:30 So, look what we've got down here.

14:32 Yes, it is a Renault Formula 1 car.

14:34 You see, the thing is,

14:35 Renault called us up and they said they reckon that this could

14:39 get round our track not in a pedestrian 1 minute 19 seconds.

14:43 They said they reckon it could get round in under a minute.

14:51 [music]

14:53 This is the actual car that Fernando Alonso used

14:57 in the last three races [music] of the 2004 F1 season.

15:02 But while it's ready to race, unfortunately, it's not ready [music] to go.

15:10 You don't just turn the key in a car

15:12 that turns out 1,500 brake horsepower per ton.

15:16 A car that can go from naught to 125 and then back to naught again in 7 seconds.

15:23 In fact, you need a team of 16 highly qualified engineers just to get it going.

15:29 And then [music] you need someone with nerves of steel to drive it.

15:35 Sadly, Alonso was busy.

15:38 But that's okay because we have just the man for the job.

15:45 Yes, this is Stig's birthday and Christmas present all rolled into one.

15:51 So, [music] let's see what he can do.

15:59 And he's off.

16:00 No Grand Prix car can accelerate as fast as the Renault.

16:04 So much torque in that thing and here's the proof.

16:06 In just 6 seconds he's up to 150 miles an hour.

16:10 Right through the first corner he's keeping it at a steady 125.

16:14 Oh, look at THAT GRIP.

16:17 RIGHT NOW, up to Chicago.

16:19 Here we go.

16:20 Oh, traction control keeping the back end in check

16:22 there as he powers down now towards Hammerhead.

16:29 I've never seen those bumps in a road car before.

16:31 Now, they've they've fitted the Monaco steering rack for this twisty bit.

16:36 And well, it's worked.

16:37 No understeer, no oversteer, just a bucket load of power.

16:40 Now, he's kicking [music] up spray there as he buries the throttle.

16:43 Already he's up to 171.

16:48 Slowed down a bit for THE FOLLOW THROUGH.

16:53 [laughter] LOOK AT THAT.

16:54 FINAL STRAIGHT HE'S FASTER STILL.

16:56 183 miles an hour as he brakes for the second to last corner.

17:01 Over half the lap's been done at full throttle,

17:03 but can he really have got round in under THE MAGICAL MINUTE?

17:09 [screaming] [applause] WELL, IT WAS greasy out there and there were big puddles.

17:17 Did slow him down a bit.

17:19 The Stig did it.

17:21 59 seconds.

17:25 [applause] THE THING IS THOUGH, THIS is only for cars with ashtrays and noses

17:35 that you can get over the over speed bumps.

17:38 He's only for road cars, so I'm afraid Richard, if you'd like to take that down.

17:42 I think it should stay.

17:45 I'll do it then.

17:46 I'm afraid we can't have it,

17:47 but there is some consolation because you know earlier on we were showing you

17:51 that today's road cars are as fast as racing cars from 20 years ago.

17:56 Well, it stands to reason that in 20 years time you'll

17:59 be able to go as fast as that on the A34.

18:04 Have you heard about this Jewish volunteer ambulance service called Hatzalah?

18:10 No.

18:11 No, honestly, I'm not joking.

18:12 It's unbelievable.

18:13 The NHS response time in Britain for a life threatening situation is 8 minutes.

18:19 They get there in New York in New York, which is busy, in 4 minutes.

18:24 That's from the call?

18:25 That's from the call.

18:26 4 minutes later they're there.

18:28 There's a thousand of them in New York, okay?

18:30 And they're normal people.

18:31 They're builders, they're teachers, they're whatever.

18:33 They're trained.

18:34 And they keep with them in their cars at all time defibrillators,

18:37 medicine, all the things you need.

18:40 It's it's a brilliant idea and we

18:41 should be aiming for these these response times.

18:44 It takes me 2 minutes to shut the shut the back door.

18:47 He has a point.

18:47 [laughter] He has a point.

18:49 Ooh.

18:50 Gentlemen, incoming message.

18:53 What a remarkable printer.

18:56 A meteorite has landed on the town of Feel.

18:59 There are many casualties.

19:01 Points will be awarded for whichever one of you gets

19:03 one of those casualties to the hospital in the quickest time.

19:07 This is it.

19:08 International Rescue has been summoned.

19:10 Thunderbirds are go.

19:32 I'm power sliding in an ambulance.

19:37 [music] Coming for you.

19:52 Yeah.

19:55 Think down cos with power.

19:59 Naturally, we soon encountered heavy traffic,

20:01 but we [music] were ready for that.

20:04 Engaging siren.

20:10 Come on.

20:11 Go.

20:13 Can you not see I'm an ambulance?

20:19 [music] Yes, it's reassuring for the patient,

20:21 but it doesn't really say siren to other road users.

20:26 Get out of the way, normal ambulance.

20:29 Come on.

20:32 My siren, like my ambulance, was designed to scare people out of the way.

20:41 Annoyingly though, it didn't really work.

20:50 [screaming] He's not scared at all.

20:57 When we arrived in Thielle, we split up to look for the meteorite crash site.

21:03 Oh god, the place is a mess.

21:06 Look at the damage.

21:07 Oh no, this isn't the site, is it?

21:08 This is just Thielle.

21:12 Has anybody seen a meteorite?

21:14 I mean, it's can't be This IS GETTING IRRITATING.

21:29 40 MINUTES LATER, two of us arrived.

21:33 Relax, people.

21:34 I'm here.

21:36 Oh my god, look at this.

21:43 Yeah, we've got a lot of casualties here.

21:46 Oh, here comes Hammond.

21:47 About time.

21:51 Do you just have the fire brigade following you around?

21:55 As a matter of fact did.

21:55 It does do that.

21:56 Yes.

21:57 I didn't think it was going to be a real meteorite strike.

21:59 I mean, No, it is.

22:00 actually happened.

22:03 Go on then.

22:05 Each of the casualties is fitted with a timer

22:07 showing how long they have before they die.

22:11 This lets you know how long you have before they must reach the hospital.

22:14 However, however, each time they are jolted or bashed,

22:20 the timer will jump forwards 10 seconds.

22:23 How long's on the timers?

22:24 Well, I don't know.

22:26 I presume, depending on how wounded they are.

22:28 Oh, so we different.

22:30 So, we've got to choose the one with the longest amount of time.

22:33 Okay.

22:33 The race starts in 3 2 1 now.

22:38 Right, I'm just going to get in.

22:44 30 seconds, waste of time.

22:45 2 minutes.

22:46 Mate, I'm sorry.

22:53 He's got 10 minutes.

22:54 I'm having him.

22:55 8 minutes 55.

22:58 That's it, you.

22:58 It's [music] you.

22:59 You're in good shape, my man.

23:02 I can look after you.

23:07 There you go, sir.

23:08 With the patient carefully loaded, Get [music] in.

23:13 Richard and I were on our way.

23:26 I've collected a cone or two there, but sorry.

23:35 We've never lost a patient from Thielle on my watch.

23:38 Sure as hell I'm not going to lose one now.

23:43 The roads to the state-of-the-art hospital on the other

23:46 side of town were littered with abandoned cars.

23:50 But Hammond and I had decided to get there as fast as possible,

23:54 even if it meant incurring a few 10-second penalties.

23:59 Don't you worry, sir.

24:00 You just HANG ON TIGHT.

24:05 [screaming] HERE WE GO.

24:06 RAMS DEPLOYED.

24:11 WELL, the thing is, mate,

24:13 you get a 10-second penalty for every single LITTLE KNOCK.

24:18 YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE BIG KNOCKS.

24:23 UNSURPRISINGLY, James had decided to adopt a policy of no knocks at all.

24:29 Hello and welcome aboard the [music] Ecto Ladma.

24:32 Your recovery is our first priority.

24:34 We realize that you have a choice of ambulances,

24:36 and this is indeed the BEST ONE.

24:40 THIS PATIENT IS REALLY ANNOYING ME NOW.

24:44 Oh no, he's broken free.

24:50 AS FUTURE HAS IT, THERE IT IS.

24:52 OH, I'm sorry, that's probably 10 seconds off your life.

24:58 Meanwhile, in the next street, James had encountered a Peugeot driver.

25:08 Sorry to disturb you, gentlemen in the silver Peugeot,

25:11 but this is an ambulance, and this is an emergency.

25:15 It really is a matter of great importance that you make way for the ambulance.

25:20 Thank you.

25:29 MOVE, MAN.

25:37 WHAT SORT OF DAISY?

25:44 LATER.

25:50 I've been reasonably polite about this so far.

25:52 I would like you to get out of the way.

25:57 Thanks to our exuberant driving,

25:59 my patient and Hammond's had lost a lot of life.

26:03 So, we decided to go even faster.

26:07 We're on the way to hospital.

26:14 Ramming.

26:24 I think my man is suffering.

26:26 Reassuring tunes coming up.

26:36 [music] Following my encounter with the infernal Peugeot,

26:43 I'd also [music] thrown caution to the wind.

26:46 Hang on, fellow.

26:47 We're making up the lost time.

26:54 Shortcut.

26:56 What's this?

27:00 __][ __] ignore it.

27:10 But I've lost a few seconds in that.

27:14 Oh no, I've got a Porsche ambulance behind me.

27:17 HAMMOND, GET OUT OF MY WAY.

27:19 I'M COMING through in A PORSCHE TURBO.

27:25 BRAKES ARE DEFINITELY FADING.

27:32 This is the trouble with the privatized

27:34 ambulance service that we have created here.

27:38 It's a race, really.

27:42 Beautifully controlled.

27:45 Patient rested.

27:49 Hammond, move.

27:50 Move.

27:51 Move.

27:52 Fire nitrous.

27:59 He's gone.

28:00 He's gone, AND HE'S GONE BADLY WRONG.

28:03 Hammond has stuffed it.

28:07 Nearly there.

28:09 Sorry about the noise.

28:10 You'll be fine.

28:14 Sorry.

28:15 You couldn't get a lot done in 10 seconds.

28:20 We're getting near the hospital now.

28:22 Stay with me.

28:23 Stay with me.

28:28 Oh, yes.

28:29 First at the hospital.

28:33 That is a victory.

28:34 [music] Oh, damn it.

28:45 May is already there.

28:48 But my patient is still alive.

28:50 Okay.

28:52 Ready.

28:53 Boot opening.

28:54 Patient delivery system [music] engaged.

28:57 Here we go.

29:09 I give you one alive patient delivered to a hospital.

29:14 Where is yours?

29:16 Oh, he's um he got better.

29:18 Did he?

29:19 Yeah.

29:19 Did he?

29:20 I did say, did I not at the beginning of this item,

29:23 the process of recovery begins in the club class ambulance,

29:26 and in fact, it worked.

29:28 James, where is he?

29:29 In the pub, I imagine.

29:30 He can't be in the pub.

29:31 He was wound He was dying.

29:33 He's got 10 minutes to live.

29:41 Right, down here.

29:42 This looks good.

29:43 Oh, wait a minute.

29:44 Here he comes.

29:47 And now, coup de grace.

29:50 Pains and hospital.

29:56 Hammond, you blithering idiot.

30:03 With everything going well,

30:05 we settled down for what we hoped would be an uneventful maiden voyage.

30:14 [music]

30:20 But, as we arrived in the tranquil suburbs of historical Stratford-upon-Avon,

30:25 we became conscious that there was an issue [music] with noise.

30:34 And then, there was the spray.

30:38 Bend to the left.

30:41 Sorry, everybody.

30:42 I do apologize.

30:44 I'm so sorry.

30:46 Sorry.

30:48 Now, the bridge.

30:49 Yeah.

30:49 Yeah, you need to know that the bridge is from 1480.

30:52 Yeah.

30:53 Grade one listed, so don't break it.

30:56 Here we go.

30:57 WIPERS.

30:58 HERE.

30:58 LOOK HOW GOOD I AM.

30:59 THIS IS ACTUALLY WORKING.

31:01 NO, IT'S NOT.

31:01 YOU'RE GOING TO HIT IT.

31:02 IT'S JUST A BIT of the The priceless bridge.

31:04 You're almost there.

31:05 I'm bloody drenched, you idiot.

31:09 Having made a bit of a mess of that bridge,

31:11 I came up with a cunning plan [music] for the next one.

31:15 I'm aiming for the no entry on the basis that the hovercraft

31:18 last place you'll go.

31:20 It's If you aim for something, you don't go there.

31:24 Unfortunately, my plan didn't work.

31:27 It's gone where I aimed it.

31:29 Yeah, well, but is he going to clear it?

31:31 Oh my god.

31:32 Oh, he's going to be scraping.

31:34 Oh my god, he's going to push us down.

31:36 You give it a give it the beans.

31:39 Yes.

31:41 That's amazing.

31:42 We did a thing.

31:44 We did a thing.

31:45 Look at Oh god, rowers.

31:49 Go straight.

31:51 Left.

31:52 Left.

31:52 Left.

31:53 No, James, THERE'S A MAN IN A BOAT.

31:54 NO, YOU'VE GOT TO MISS HIM.

31:55 THERE'S A MAN IN A BOAT.

31:56 I DON'T WANT TO CRASH THE BOAT.

31:58 THERE'S A MAN IN A BOAT.

31:59 Miss him.

32:00 Left.

32:01 Left.

32:02 Oh my god.

32:05 Oh my god.

32:06 Where is he?

32:07 He's here.

32:07 He's He's here.

32:09 Oh, so I'm really sorry.

32:11 Sorry.

32:12 Sorry, mate.

32:15 We're probably not that welcome here.

32:18 I see a rather nice little restaurant here.

32:21 Yes.

32:22 Check this out.

32:24 Private mooring for use by restaurant customers.

32:26 We are restaurant customers, so we can.

32:29 We're coming for lunch.

32:31 At this point, we discovered that Jeremy [music] hadn't learned how to park.

32:36 There we go.

32:39 Oh god, hang on.

32:45 I've missed again.

32:50 Jeremy, you've overdone it.

32:51 Which way are you going to park?

32:53 Why can't you just park it, for god's sake?

32:56 Sorry.

32:56 Sorry.

32:57 Sorry.

32:59 I'm not hungry.

33:00 Why don't we just make a sign that says sorry?

33:06 [music] We decided to abandon lunch at this point and instead [music]

33:11 see how fast our hover van could run away.

33:15 Okay, Hammond, give me read out on the thrust.

33:17 500.

33:20 [music] 8,000.

33:22 We are seriously moving now, gentlemen.

33:27 [music] James, how fast are we going?

33:29 work it out with this piece of knotted rope.

33:31 I did it on HMS Victory.

33:33 Go for it.

33:35 [music] This is looking good now.

33:36 We are in the groove.

33:40 [music] Right, that'll be Hang on.

33:41 Hang on.

33:41 20 in the We're doing 120 knots in an hour, which is 138 mph.

33:50 Oh, no, we're stopping.

33:51 Whoa, what's happened?

33:51 You've dropped the We've dropped the We're sinking.

33:54 We've gone down.

33:59 [music] That was something went wrong.

34:00 That was I think that was the skirt collapse at the front.

34:03 This meant we had to initiate our emergency crash procedure.

34:08 Do you know what I think this calls for, gentlemen?

34:10 A hit of oxygen.

34:11 Ooh, yes, a good idea.

34:13 Let's cheer ourselves up.

34:18 Yay!

34:20 Ah.

34:21 Hang on a minute.

34:22 Why is YOURS SO SMALL?

34:26 WHY HAVE THEY GIVEN YOU THAT ONE?

34:29 THEY'VE GIVEN you a Sparklet canister from a Watney's Party Seven.

34:32 One more push and it'll be out.

34:35 Chaps, you do realize what we've just done.

34:37 We've exhausted the air supply of the

34:39 We've used all We've We've used all our oxygen

34:41 for fun while sitting in a sinking van.

34:45 This is Hover Van One calling Avon Rescue.

34:50 Avon calling.

34:51 Avon calling.

34:52 Help.

34:56 Happily, because we'd only covered four of our 50 miles,

34:59 the crane didn't have far to come.

35:03 And after we'd fixed the skirt and refueled again, we were back on the road.

35:08 Happy?

35:09 Yeah.

35:10 All is going well in the engine room.

35:12 And relax.

35:15 [music] Sadly though, the relaxing didn't last long.

35:20 Oh god, there's a lock.

35:21 You've got to go through the lock.

35:22 A lock.

35:23 Can you go through locks in a Do they let hovercrafts in?

35:27 To make matters worse, there was no lock keeper.

35:30 Do you two have to do a lock?

35:33 I've never done one.

35:33 Never done one in my life.

35:35 You've got to get the water level, but don't dilly-dally,

35:38 because I'm going to be all by myself out here.

35:42 With Richard and James ashore, Go.

35:44 Go.

35:44 Go.

35:44 Get off.

35:46 I was a multitasking machine.

35:49 Oh, this is particularly annoying to drive and do all the engine stuff.

35:53 I am Mr.

35:54 Sulu.

35:55 Scotty and Spock all rolled into one here.

35:59 Hang on, the water in the lock Yeah.

36:02 has got to be the same level as the boat.

36:03 So, we're going to let If we want to go down there that end.

36:06 No.

36:06 No.

36:06 No.

36:06 No.

36:06 No.

36:07 Yes.

36:08 No, really.

36:09 I've got a two-gallon fuel tank.

36:10 Take your time.

36:12 It's quite loud when you're not on it, isn't it?

36:17 People probably will have to get used to the idea when people have

36:19 hover vans that canals are a little

36:22 less tranquil than they have been historically.

36:26 It's a natural progression, really.

36:27 You had the pony when canals first began.

36:31 It's a HUMAN EFFORT.

36:31 YES.

36:34 THEN, INTERNAL combustion came and boats got diesel engines.

36:37 Now, this is the future.

36:41 Here we go.

36:43 Going in.

36:45 [music] Yes, with the power.

36:48 Power solves all things, as we know.

36:50 [music] Yes.

36:57 Right, you wind and I'll pass.

37:02 Look at this now.

37:06 Right, locking down.

37:07 Are we locking down or we're locking?

37:08 I don't know.

37:08 We're locking down.

37:09 Keep boat forward of the What the hell is that?

37:11 It'll go wherever it goes.

37:12 Look, there's Close all the paddles.

37:13 Leave it alone.

37:15 paddle.

37:15 What are they doing?

37:17 Honestly, my dog would know how to work a lock.

37:21 Look at them.

37:22 Sorry.

37:24 You're going to have to do the winding.

37:26 It's dead.

37:27 What?

37:28 It's dead.

37:29 Hammond!

37:30 What are you doing?

37:32 What are you doing?

37:34 WHO'S DRIVING?

37:35 OH, S- I THOUGHT IT WOULD STAY THERE.

37:39 WELL, OF COURSE IT WON'T.

37:40 The hovercraft is running amok in the lock.

37:43 Get back ON BOARD.

37:44 YOU GET OFF.

37:47 To try and capture our errant hover van, Hammond and I formed a pincer movement.

37:53 But sadly, as I climbed on board, the pincer movement went a bit wrong.

37:59 Oh, no.

38:03 Oh, no.

38:06 I can't breathe.

38:14 I can't breathe.

38:16 I can't breathe.

38:17 Have you fallen in?

38:19 No.

38:20 I'm the wettest human being I've ever been.

38:23 Set rep.

38:25 We've uh ruined it.

38:27 Well, we've knocked a man out of his boat.

38:29 Now, we've jammed up the whole Avon River Avon.

38:31 Right.

38:31 Now, here's what we must do.

38:33 We must get it out of the lock.

38:35 And then we'll get a tow.

38:37 And then we can edit all of this out.

38:41 Having done all of that, we were back on the move.

38:44 James, this is a Which way is it here?

38:47 Keep right.

38:49 And reflecting on the many positives that had come out of our journey so far.

38:54 We have had some calamities, Couple of but they're not bad ones.

38:58 Oh, really?

38:59 Well, it worked for us.

39:00 I mean, apart from the broken windscreen,

39:04 the hover van is working just as well as it ever has.

39:09 Yes, it's expensive.

39:11 I don't think we'd be able to sell

39:12 this for much less than a quarter of a million pounds.

39:15 Realistically now.

39:16 But, it's money well spent.

39:19 When you're up to here in the sitting room and you could have made your escape.

39:23 You could have done.

39:24 And you chose not to buy one of these vans.

39:27 That is, I think, the essence of it.

39:31 Hang on a minute.

39:32 What?

39:33 Hang on.

39:34 What?

39:37 Which way Which way did you go back there?

39:39 You said right.

39:40 I said left.

39:40 No, you didn't, James.

39:41 You said right.

39:42 Whoa.

39:43 What's that?

39:45 It's that wheel.

39:50 [music] Turn it round.

39:54 Turn it round.

39:54 Turning.

39:54 Turning.

39:55 Go the other way.

39:58 Yamaha, give me every single rev that Yamaha engine has got.

40:04 Give it more.

40:06 There is no more.

40:06 That's it.

40:06 He's on the limit and there is no more.

40:08 That's all there is.

40:10 We're being sucked.

40:13 I've got to turn it round.

40:14 WHAT?

40:15 WHY ARE YOU TURNING ROUND NOW?

40:16 WHAT?

40:16 DO YOU WANT TO GO OVER BACKWARDS?

40:18 I DON'T WANT TO GO OVER AT ALL.

40:19 NO, he's right.

40:20 Go over forward.

40:21 It's better.

40:23 Holy sh Hammond, I want every bit of left you can manage.

40:31 I'm giving it everything it's got.

40:33 We're going over.

40:34 WE ARE GOING DOWN.

40:35 OH MY GOD.

40:36 OH MY GOD.

40:38 OH MY GOD.

40:39 OH MY GOD.

40:44 YES.

40:45 OH GOD, WE'RE THROUGH.

40:46 HEY, WE'RE STILL HERE.

40:48 IT WORKED.

40:49 IT WORKED.

40:50 IT WORKED.

40:51 WE WENT DOWN A WHEEL.

40:53 AND WE'RE ALIVE.

40:54 WHAT A MACHINE.

40:55 THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SURVIVED.

40:57 I KNEW THAT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

40:58 Did you?

40:59 I've got TO GO BACK UP.

41:01 YOU WHAT?

41:02 DON'T BE THAT STUPID.

41:03 OH, COME ON.

41:04 YOU'VE ONLY JUST GOT IT ROUND UP THERE.

41:06 He's not going to go back up.

41:07 YES.

41:08 COME ON, HOVERVAN.

41:09 In the Shakespearean style.

41:11 Horsepower.

41:12 Horsepower.

41:13 My kingdom for some horsepower.

41:15 IT WON'T GO UP.

41:16 IT WILL.

41:17 IT WON'T GO UP.

41:18 YOU CAN'T GIVE IT THAT MANY REVS.

41:20 POWER.

41:28 POWER.

41:28 Come on, great man.

41:29 Jeremy, that's too much.

41:30 OH MY GOD.

41:30 [screaming] WHAT'S THAT SMOKE?

41:32 YOU'VE RUINED THE ENGINE.

41:33 TURN THE ENGINE OFF.

41:34 TURN THE ENGINE POWER.

41:36 YOU'VE KILLED THE ENGINE.

41:39 OH.

41:41 You pillock.

41:48 And with that, back to the studio.